My journey to self love | Dr Andrea Pennington | TEDxPeterborough

[Music] could you look yourself in the mirror and say I love you me a few years ago I couldn't saying those four words would have been really difficult I did not love myself and I didn't see what could possibly be lovable about me well I've come a long way since then and now not only will I say those words I will sing them for you as well today I'll share a bit of my healing journey from self-hatred to real self-love it's the true story of how music saved my life and set me free from several diagnoses including depression I was born in Nevada and when I was three years old my parents got divorced my mother then moved our family to Denver Colorado so she could finish medical school when she got into private practice I was shuffled between school and the babysitter and my older sister when it was the weekends I begged my mom is to go to the hospital with her so as she did her patient rounds I would hang out in the gift shop and I was always very quiet and well behaved mainly because at home my mother repeated often children are to be seen not heard just as she was told when she grew up now the conversations on the phone with my father were mainly about how I was doing in school he came from the generation that believed that with an education you could get a good job a pension and a secure future so when he found out that I was performing in a music recital or a school play I often heard the tone of disapproval in his voice he told me I needed to focus on my grades successful musicians and actors are just one in a million my dad grew up in Tennessee it's one of the United States known for country music and many people travel there to look for fame but very few people find it now my dad is actually an excellent guitar and banjo player and he excels in photography so it's really not surprising that music and creative arts are natural passions for me but he always discouraged me from pursuing them as a career because he had seen too many people try and fail at that so I worked really hard at school so that I could keep my dad's approval so that I could keep performing in theater band and choir it was through music and theatre that I could move and release the emotions that were bottled up inside of me and it was on stage that I was finally told it was good to be seen and totally acceptable to speak up and sing out loud so when I got to university I performed in community theater I discovered video production and I became the general manager of our campus TV station as a pre-med student and this is when my father told me that I was a dilettante just like him enter diagnosis number one dilettante a person who cultivates an area of interest such as the arts without serious commitment or knowledge synonyms include dabbler tinkerer trifler amateur non-professional non-specialists pretty negative right isn't it amazing how quickly we slap a label on anything that's outside of the box instead of encouraging the individuality within each of us once again my father urged me to focus on my studies so that I could get accepted to medical school and I felt the need to hide and downplay my true passions and interests I didn't want to be seen as not serious so from childhood to early adulthood I became a chameleon I did everything I could to look sound and behave in serious acceptable ways and over time I noticed this growing sense of unease I never quite felt comfortable in my own skin I didn't feel like I was good enough and I was terrified that someone would find out I wasn't smart enough and sadly I never got to enjoy the fruits of my hard labor getting all A's on a report card or a standing ovation didn't make me feel good about myself or proud in fact my self-worth never increased based on the things I did but I still tried really hard to be perfect and I remember feeling intense shame anytime that urge for creative expression bubbled up inside of me it was not a fun way to live and I was pretty sad and alone when I got to medical school I studied day and night and for the first time I had no time for all of the artistic things on the side and that underlying sadness well that turned into really dark moods so I went to Student Health Services to get some help and that's when I received diagnosis number two depression the doctor gave me three prescriptions one for antidepressants one for sessions with a therapist now the therapy sessions were actually helpful it felt good to finally confess how stressed and sad I was the antidepressants though they just made me feel numb instead of low moods I felt flat but the third prescription she gave me was the most effective and the most surprising when I applied for medical school this same doctor interviewed me and I was surprised that she remembered that I play classical piano she asked how often do you play piano now I looked at her like she was crazy who has time for playing music when you're surrounded by brainiacs who seem to know everything already when I have to study constantly she suggested that I play piano for 30 minutes a day and when I looked at her like she was off her rocker she said 30 minutes a week to this doctor it seemed completely logical and totally acceptable that I should engage in an activity that brought me joy and expressing myself through music always felt good yet I denied myself that pleasure when I at most my mind had been so programmed to deny shutdown and belittle myself for my creativity that I was really suffering well I took her advice and I started playing piano more and I'm convinced that this is what got me through med school alive now I wish I could say I graduated with total self-acceptance but no when I got to my medical residency I basically threw myself into the 100 hour workweek with gusto and I also studied acupuncture and Chinese medicine and once again I heard a judgmental voice telling me I needed to seriously focus on just one thing but it wasn't my dad apparently the people around me were confused by my integrative and holistic approach to wellness and my multiple interests I heard things like are you a doctor actor singer acupuncturist the assumption was that I was unfocused not serious but why do we have to be only one thing and why can't we celebrate all parts of us have you ever felt a little bad because you have a lot of ideas or interests yeah thank you lots of things you want to explore well these people told me they thought I had a DD welcome to diagnosis number three once again I felt the need to suppress my authentic self even more I became an aggressive go-getter intensely driven to build up my credibility through advanced degrees licenses and certifications the joke in the family was aundrea has more degrees than a thermometer and all of the shiny wealth that I earned did not spark any joy instead I had these constant thoughts that it was never enough and nothing really mattered and I woke up every day feeling totally empty I dreaded leaving the house and it was only a sense of obligation that motivated me to put on that happy face and a rally for the daily grind I was a functional depressive just three years into my professional career had published my first book appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show multiple times and I regularly stood on stages flashing a smile from ear to ear but that smile did not reflect true happiness on the inside I was miserable but nobody knew it cuz I hid that to the price for driving myself so intensely and constantly searching for approval had given way to feelings of self-hatred and burnout and like a dark heavy cloak depression became a constant presence in my life it was as burdensome and constricting as a tight coat soaked through from the rain and dripping in black sticky tar and this cloak of depression had an oversized hood that would droop over my eyes blocking my vision it compressed my ears muffling the rich sounds of life and the music of my heart and worst of all it allowed sad thoughts of hopelessness to sink into my mind and then I hit rock bottom in 2005 I asked God to take my life now I was not suicidal I had no plan to harm myself but I did not want the life I was living to go on anymore while I was on vacation in the Mediterranean I was invited to sing at this glorious hot spot in San Tropez and as I'm on the mic singing my jazzy soul tune I watched as a sea of people moved and swayed and I felt free I felt as though I were being received as me and when I got to my hotel in con I woke up the next morning thinking what just happened there I experienced pure bliss and total flow and in two days I'd have to go back back into that dark depressing box of conformity and that's when I lost it I cried out to God saying take it take my body my talents my business I don't know what I'm doing with it and as I cried I was shaking I flung myself onto the bed and I felt my body melt into the bed there was this intensely bright light and I felt myself being drawn into the light and as I left my body I thought God was answering my prayer and that's when I saw several visions that completely changed my entire perspective on life first I saw a total life review where each and every decision I made whether consciously or not logically led to that point of depression I saw that when we come to earth it's up to us to decide who we will be and what we will become not our parents society or even religion and when I understood that I have the power to choose and my choices impact my experience and my feelings that's when I was shown a vision of just a beautiful sparkly future that inspired me to say yes to life I came back into my body and that depression was gone I came out of that experience knowing that no matter the drama and trauma we endure or the Karma we accumulate at our core we are pure truly loveable and we deserve to be celebrated for our uniqueness not crammed into some box of Conformity thanks to the awakening inspired by my musical epiphany I was able to surrender my ego and reconnect with the essence of my true self where all of my past programming was replaced and I left kaan a changed woman the last city I visited before returning was Barcelona where once again I stood on stage to sing and it's where I met this beautiful singer songwriter named Maudie Chell the Latin Queen of Soul and we found out that we live not 30 minutes apart back in DC and we pinky swore that we would get together when we returned well when I got back home I started to dismantle the life I once knew and hated and I began to design my diamond life as I now call it I deepened my spiritual practice with yoga meditation and Qi Gong I started singing and writing music more I performed with Mari Chell and we got together to work on a song which I will sing for you today reconnecting with music saved my life and it allowed me to live as my authentic self I was able to replace that heavy dark cloak of depression with a light cape of creativity it also inspired me to launch a not-for-profit real self-love movement to freely share resources for healing and self-love tools through books documentaries events and of course through music so before I sing for you please know this I don't think that you need to move to a foreign country perform on stage or even have a mystical out-of-body experience to learn or remember that you are truly loveable and accepted as you are my experience was quite a convoluted adventure but I know now there's a gentler path to reviving the authentic self it's about returning to your true home so what about you have you been wearing that fake I'm fine mask but deep down inside you feel that urge that rumbling inviting you to be truly you have you been placed into a box of diagnoses that don't quite fit is there a part of you that you have denied or disowned I invite you to reclaim those lost or hidden parts of yourself reconnect with what makes your heart sing and it doesn't have to become your career but it may be the catalyst for your rebirth giving you the courage to step up and live as your authentic self and remember you don't have to look like anybody else now I'm not sharing my story today to put any shame or blame on my parents they loved me and they did what they knew based on their upbringing but my experience has inspired me to parent my daughter differently now many people ask if I regret becoming a doctor I don't this line of work really satisfies my nerdy left-brain love of science and it's part of what makes me authentically me it hasn't stopped me from launching a branding media and publishing company to satisfy my right brain creative side now we've been told that diagnoses like a DD depression and anxiety are these terrible brain diseases and I don't deny that they are real conditions and I'm in favor of effective treatments but I believe they may be symptoms of disconnection with the authentic self losing the connection to your true essence and having your power to choose stripped away through early childhood experiences may be part of why you feel so bad I wasted so much time and energy trying to give the word dilettante a positive spin but I realize it's an archaic outdated term and it's so much healthier for me to embrace my true nature as a multi potential Renaissance human I believe we all need to embrace all of who we are to be truly healthy happy whole and fulfilled it's my deepest desire and my highest wish that you can also look yourself in the mirror and say I love you me [Applause] [Music] mirror mirror on the wall tell me what you see I see brain dead deep inside staring back at me what I see is not happening no what I see has flaws but when I look deep aha what I say fills me with all [Music] any one of my soul I must apologize it all alone to get to know and now I realize that a million expectations I was trying to achieve now tired of avoiding confrontation [Music] [Music] you [Music]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 846,082

Rating: 4.908206 out of 5

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Health, Buddhism, Consciousness, Creativity, Depression, Emotions, Empathy, God, Happiness, Individualism, Mental health, Music (performance), Psychology, Self improvement, Self-help, Spirituality, Visualization

Id: wSci_YIGOAw

Length: 19min 9sec (1149 seconds)

Published: Mon Jun 03 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/chickendance638]

If it looks like a quack and talks like a quack and walks and quacks like a quack it's probably a quack.

Self care is important, but she's pulling around a cargo train of bullshit.

[u/tengo_sueno]

Just wanted to shine a light on physicians who are able to be vulnerable, authentic, imperfect humans and cut through all the external expectations. As a student, I’m glad that I already know that my career will never define me and that my first priority is to be healthy and whole. But this has always felt like something that medical folks pay lip service to but feel too uncomfortable to engage with for fear of being perceived as weak or distracted.