Crystal Meth Addicted Prostitute-Anastasia

all right anastasia yeah anastasia where did you grow up where are you from originally i'm originally from russia smallwood garzava oh really yes and uh you came to the united states when um i was nine so your parents moved here um i don't have parents who raised you i actually grew up in an orphanage in russia and um got adopted from russia out here of the fall of the communism in the united states so i was the first group of kids to get rescued from russia kind of adopted and i came out with the family that actually gave me back up for adoption because they really only wanted the tax write-off and to look good for the you know their family and people around them that they adopted russian kids literally they admitted it to the courts when they gave me back up so you went to another family i stayed up for foster care for the rest of my childhood so from ages what to what you had no parents uh really i mean i was with the year with the family yeah i don't even really count it so you grew up with our parents basically yeah never had family how do you think the childhood you had with no parents has affected you as an adult it's damaged a lot i'm sure of me if i can't have i can't be in a relationship whatsoever you feel me because i mean the biggest thing about you know life is that when you're newborn you tell me you're supposed to be held loved nurtured and cared you know and that's something i never had so i was straight from the beginning i was just orphanage you know so there's like 300 kids in there you feel me poverty you probably never saw never seen a loving loving relationship yeah never felt it never was held even picked up as a baby so for me it just it blocks it for me a lot so like i can't show love compared to somebody else can usually show it because like i still have that i have a coldness and like yeah they say they call it my cold heart because i i just have a blockage they only i can own love so far you know so it gives me that little block in my life that i can't trust nobody i can't do nothing like you feel like you were ever loved by anyone no how old are you i'm about to be 30. yep you went through school yep graduated high school i did actually i graduated early did you what part of the us were you in um i actually did foster care most of my time in utah out of all places when i came from america though i came to actually north carolina and that's where like it was also the craziest part of my life that people don't understand is that it was racist out there in north carolina where i came from wilson so i didn't know the language english you told me i only knew russian and i'm watching the whole environment around me and i was actually treated worse than the blacks of that neighborhood in the community out there because you're russian because i yeah i came from russia and i'm communism and i was like as alien to them they've shunned me they they like spoke just disrespected me you feel me i was locked in my room kind of stuff i was i was just like a disgrace to the world you know and could any of that have been imagined by you no i mean i was literally like it was just like for me i was i didn't understand the language english at all at this point and i'm just watching the the kids at the at in the town we sat in the black back of the classroom the blacks did at this time still to this day kind of stuff and i remember the teacher even saying that the reason why their test scores were down were because of the um [ __ ] or whatever are um were the population of the group of the school and that's why their test scores were down and stuff like that like one black family moved down on the neighborhood and everybody put the houses up for sale everybody in the neighborhood and it was like what i didn't understand it and but then i was locked in my room kind of stuff i was like made fun of at school and when i ever got to go to school i wasn't about to go to school and test spoke english you know so it was just weird and i could see this stuff i'm like wait you're in my skin same skin color why am i getting treated worse than these people you know i mean and i didn't see like black or whatever i just saw i thought they were burnt i've never seen that stuff in russia at the time you know orphanage so it's just different for me and then they're the ones that like you took care of me brought me in on the you know i mean they felt they knew where i was coming from you know i mean they nurtured me they old lady used to like give me cookies and milk you feel me after school all that kind of stuff so i've been able to just click more with that side wow and you've been living on the streets for how long um since i graduated actually high school um and went to college i was 16 when i graduated high school um honorables and stuff like that i beat the system i figured out that the only way to get out of foster care was to get emancipated and to graduate with a high school diploma and so that's what i did really really fast because i got actually a sports scholarship to utah valley university at the same time my sport um basketball and volleyball i was second street point guard and stuff like that so i'm with matt to that and um i was 18 19. yes 18 19 middle to gear kind of stuff that i actually hurt my knee playing in college hurt my knee and i couldn't play no more and that was like my main thing and then foster care because i still wasn't emancipated until you're 18. so they still had me like in the foster care system per se a little bit so they refused to take me to school because and they refuse for the surgery that i'd need for my knee you know i mean and so they held me back and i couldn't go finish my college my whole semester so made a no call like no show whatever so they i kind of got kicked out of my own school and where'd you go after that and after that i literally ended up in california with my friend and introduced the streets is that where drugs started for you uh drugs registered for me actually in foster care um one of my foster families actually showed me methamphetamine um they too he took me to like a old apartment building filming no lights in it whatever and like a lot of mexicans all in this one apartment and like pipes are getting passed around the smoke everywhere and that's where i learned about meth and stuff of that and i found out that if i smoke meth actually at the time i could stay up i could protect myself for stuff that was happening in the foster home and take care of the other girls while they were sleeping just because stuff kept on happening so was there abuse going on in the foster system oh yeah for sure anything that you could think of imaginable happen to me in foster care for sure i got raped to just mistreated completely to being a slave to actually got kidnapped for a little bit of time they probably started at a very early age yeah yeah i was like kidnapped at 12 literally from with some mexicans there's nine of us girls in a basement kind of stuff about to be sex trade um whatever but yeah so i went through a lot boarding school all girls boarding school 300 girls all delinquents from everywhere so that opened up my whole life to a lot of things too so you've been supporting yourself how um i used to do drugs um i did that for a couple years for sure and then while i was dealing drugs actually um i got introduced to a lot of pimps and um other people in the game who say you know officer poverty in california you know right up there valley and um they were buying drugs off me for their girls and they keep on with telling me like oh look how good you look you can make money like this look at my girls look you feel me back then they took care of the girls back then you feel not like now but um they uh he they just kept on you know spitting my ear and then um i actually got um a case on me um in 2013 for drugs yeah for drugs transportation like a lot of stuff and they did it to your joint suspension on me so like when i did that i'm done i'm cool i'll leave i left california into arizona but um that is where i really started but then like i said in arizona i kind of squared up you know how to pretend i'm all good and i should end up having my son out there oh you have a son my first kid how many kids do you have i got three all together and you're right two boys and a girl you raise them um my sons my first one is the only one i raised for at least a couple years and the kids are aware now well my first son's with his sister with his aunt or whatever my second son with the family he got adopted and my daughter is also adopted just barely yep so yeah it's changed a lot of me too made me way different person yeah what emotions do you go through after all this uh i try to go through another day you know what i mean because every day i just like i don't think about it i literally don't no more do the drugs help you deal yeah that's the only reason why i use drugs you know just so i don't have to think about all everything you know me because i actually have bad anxiety anyways i have bad anxiety like i in bad depression whatever ptsd or trauma [Music] because of stuff also like being abused and all that kind of [ __ ] so i just get high not for sex and on stupid [ __ ] like i just keep normal keep saying and be able to work with with the community and be with everybody without feeling crazy and just depressed bishop so and your drug is crystal meth yeah yes where are you staying currently um right now i'm back out here downtown skid row right there in a freaking little tent you know but i don't know sex work is still your support system uh i don't really have nobody so every day's a struggle don't know the government took away my [ __ ] citizenship actually and questioned it whatever a couple years ago because i got in trouble with the law whatever and for some reason they checked my paperwork whatever and because of their mishap and mistake unfortunately it's crazy as hell they need to hear this [ __ ] but they made a mistake when i got adopted and re-adopted in america whatever from foster care and the adoption family they had two identities they made on accident they didn't find paperwork correctly because back to back so fast and so i had two identities in the system so they started questioning like all that and then um they try to call my family my adopted family to see if they prove to who i am like that they agree that they brought me from russia all that kind of [ __ ] they denied you that they even like knew me or whatever but i mean it was crazy because i'm like you guys are on my birth certificate of adoption like but you guys denied me and then russia they got hold of russia's embassy and they try to question about like who i am and unfortunately which is even crazier the adopted the orphanage i came from was fraud and i don't exist in the system out there either they can't find no paperwork on me but they know of me and my family which is crazy because my family i guess my family background in russia my real bloodline is actually like russian spy and like mob kgb mob affiliated guests whatever and so like that that's even more like crazy like well now i look even crazier messed up out here in america did you have a an id or social security number uh i did i have two apparently in the system oh i see so like look me up in the system fingerprint me and i'll come up two different two different same name whatever but just a little bit off literally so i had a social and uh uh alien do you have friends do i have friends not really i mean i just choose not to because i already my whole life i already know it's gonna end per se like any friendship you know or any kind of any kind of like thing with another somebody else is just it's going to end at some point we're going to separate you know there's going to be something that we're not going to see each other again so you enter the relationship assuming it's not going to work yeah i just know it's not going to last and so like for me i'm already like i'm always having make a joke of it all the time like my bag's always packed you know i mean i i'm always ready to go and it's i just already know like the only the only word i um i believe or trust is really god's word because anybody else's word to me is like it's nothing you know i mean because you can say you're going to be there you feel me you're always going to be there you care for me or you you know got my back or whatever but when push comes to shove it this shows always differently you know i mean it just shows people's true colors and it's never what it is so i just built myself a wall already just accept that and to just already be okay with it because i just block it all would you describe yourself as self-destructive um i don't know if it i don't know if that would be the right word i don't know what it is like kind of it sounds like you sabotage relationships yeah i mean i just because i just yeah given where you came from it's understandable yeah i just more of a yeah i just don't have that trust in in my own life and feelings to accept anything more and let it go farther than anything else have you been in relationships like that lasted longer than a year or anything like that no nobody actually been single now for over a year are you lonely huh are you lonely am i lonely sometimes but it outweighs the the effect of what happens if i am a new relationship the fear of yeah just anxiety all the extra stuff that comes in and being a relationship and the extra like pressure puts on someone you know you'd rather be single i'd rather be single ready alone yep what do you worry about um what are you afraid of um myself because i don't know personally my own limits in life you know i mean like i've always been so quiet though like i just try and go through life as quietly as possible without making a disturbance even though i know because i hate how everyone like always ever since i've known like looks at me like oh you're gorgeous you look you're so you know just all the sexual stuff like they see on me like it just it gets to the point where you're just annoying honestly i guess like i always wondered like if anybody actually would see me for me and not just because of how it looked you know because my whole life has been like that from foster family you know the dads whatever people just in general like i've always just been like sexible to people even as a child even as a child like it makes me always like it it's super so just almost annoying that's why i think nowadays i don't care about sex i don't feel nothing i don't nothing you know i mean it's just a way to make money it's yes it's my work that's all it is you know i mean that's something that also stops me in a lot of relationships too because i just don't i don't feel like pleasures or whatever i never have you know and it again that goes back to my childhood i guess like not being nurtured and cared for whatever i'm liking it's numb to me do you have any good memories of your life um yeah you know i mean i just really blocked out a lot of stuff you know me having your children like i said i've always just accepted that something was gonna happen so i just didn't let it happen even that made like that might be a fun activity you know i mean i didn't do it because i knew we had to stop soon you know i mean we have to end it sometimes and then it wouldn't be fun anymore you know and i'll lose all the happiness i was having so do you feel like life is unfair or you're you're cursed or anything something like that sometimes you see me for sure your life seems pretty like divine i feel like i'm stuck you know just i can't get past like a level life per se and there's always going to be a stump like if i even if i get like this close i have to fall back like there's always something that happens like and it's so simple too it's like [ __ ] that anybody else should be able to do you know would be like own their own like apartment or house or whatever and you know i mean just be more independent because they know me have to leave their own i still can't get and it's always like the stupidest reason why i can't get it like no i can't get my id i can't get my documents i've even tried to order my sister document whatever and um [ __ ] every time it takes a year and a half to order this document just to order like 500 and in that time period russia in united states gets into some [ __ ] you feel me hacking or spying or whatever [ __ ] and they close the borders so you get denied and so after you know i mean that's another year wasted like it's like it's just like been a struggle for like five years now just to even like prove who i am to the government just so i can get help and just be per se like noticed or alive like i can't [ __ ] get hardly i can't get a job i can't do nothing i lost my kids because of that you don't mean i can't make money correctly you know as a law by citizen because of a stupid id or identity in my so it's hard because you have to resort back to obviously doing being a sex prostitute whatever escort dancer all this kind of quiet undergraduate [ __ ] just didn't survive like i'm not doing this for drugs i'm not doing this stuff for anything else for anybody else nothing i'm just doing this so i can eat and try to keep a roof over my head so just to wait until hopefully paperwork is correct you still have hope of getting your life together or improving your situation yeah yeah with it at the same time i don't you know i just don't even try to think about it anymore you know me i don't expect too much but i don't expect too little either you know i still try a little for some reason part of me just constantly it's school i don't give up i mean a lot of people always say like how am i still standing today compared to like a lot of people have already probably gone insane or whatever by the time they're my right now and my age just because of all the [ __ ] that's happened to me but i'm still somehow like able just to keep on standing it could push you forward like another day people just say oh it's the russian in you being you know you're so strong and impressions are known to be that way you know you've had to be strong since you were a child ever since i can remember you know me even an orphanage you know i mean there's like 300 kids and something orphanage i was taking care of the kids too the four babies in the crib you know i mean is there anything that you think you could have done differently in your life to maybe steer it in a better direction it's not really your fault i mean yes and no you know what i mean but do you have any regrets of like i don't have regrets not really someone said you were just dealt some terrible hands i've just been able to i wish it didn't happen to me you know me the the life the change of events you know i mean that played out you know but at the same time it is what it is you know i mean it's got me to be who i am now which i'm not also like not upset about like i i wouldn't you know go back to try to change anything because it wouldn't even it wouldn't make me me it sounds like you you've never been in love no do you have any hope of ever being in the no i've just been able to accept this in my life you know i mean it took me forever to because i used to as a kid fight all the time to be accepted to be something to somebody you know and that got me into a lot of other [ __ ] you know i mean you know i mean just to be accepted by somebody and it has it could be anybody you know me i've given up my money i've given up everything even though i knew it was hurting me i still do it just to try to feel accepted but then i finally for some reason um was able to just like realize that you know what i need to quit trying to just be accepted like it is what it is like i need to learn how to accept just myself you know i mean so that's really what i've had to do what personality trait do you have that helps you survive um i just just look for the next day like i'm just leaving one day at a time you know i mean i just try not to worry too much you know it's a very dangerous life you're living i'm sure you've had bad things happen to you oh yeah for sure but i can't i wish i wish i could change it i wish i didn't have to do it but again i was dumping my hand i was down you know and so i have to make the best of it i can and i am strong compared to a lot of people you know i mean i do i do know how to like walk into interest into a room you know and all eyes are on me and i just am able to hold myself you know with more head on my shoulders for saying you know what i mean i'm not scared to like say what needs to be said but it took me a while to get there you know i mean to be able to actually like help somebody know you know i mean or just to be like i am you know i am escort and i am i work for sex you know me for money all that kind of stuff like i'm able to stay in that state and say so what as before i was quiet but if let's let's say some guy met you and just thought you were great and wanted to bring you into his life and just give you a better life do you think you'd sabotage that i wouldn't even accept it you wouldn't even allow it to happen i wouldn't allow it to happen because i've just learned in life that no matter like any human like for them to give something they they expect something back you know i mean it can be good or bad pros or cons you don't mean any action there is done as a human you know so when it comes to that stuff then it's like okay well i'll think about it all quick and fastly in my head like okay well that's what that is how you know take care of me whatever and just wants to put me on his way or whatever what does that do what is the place you want sex you probably what does he want me to pay you for me like there's always like that i'm always gonna like okay what does he want out of it you know what i mean and is this really what he actually cares you feel me or is he just seeing me again as a sex officer or just to look good for somebody else you don't even believe that unconditional love exists um you know i mean because like i said when i was adopted i was a trophy you know i mean the front page of the newspaper i was a i was a money bad buyout from america america bought me literally saved me which is crazy like to think about like that's all i want to do the first front page picture in the newspaper and the tax rate off that's all i was good for you know so it's always been like so what am i good for you're better off staying in russia i mean not even then i honestly because orphanage wasn't any better it was poverty and terrible out there kids were dying of yellow fever in front of me we had our toilets were actually holes in the in the wall in the [ __ ] floor it was like hell freezing cold it was like a warehouse thousand fed once a day maybe is that why there are so many russian wives russian women looking to marry american men those are actually honestly those are they're all married in russia they're men they're pimps you know me literally their husbands out there there is they're a ruler like girls out there have still still to this day don't have a last day in relation so you're telling me all the russian mail-order brides are actually married to somebody back in russia 98 of them their husbands are people they're told yeah they're so they come to america and they get money and they they told to you know come to america he feel me and they they even hook them up a lot of time with the american that's going to take bring them from russia yep any girls send this money back to russia um they will they will they can do it they do it for years and get their social you feeling get all like literally will clear your whole life away they really like that it's crazy that people people a lot of people have actually experienced you know me but it's there's a big percentage of the girls are like that they're they really do have somebody behind them or even a family member we'll set them up that way and that's what's crazy because families out there is like generations and generations in one household you know so if their families like that and it's always been like a tradition in their family to do this kind of stuff the next you know first daughter of each family you know was sent out here you know i mean as a money scheme or ponzi kind of [ __ ] you know i mean and they like literally train their whole life i've seen it like they've trained their whole life just for this whole act that they're about to put on that might cost years what would you say is the most important lesson you've learned in your life um after everything you've been through shoot honestly just that not to give up or not to honestly just expect anything or expect anything out of life you know i mean just to go with the flow more that's really the lesson i've learned because that if you set something like a goal per se it's going to be not met in other words you know you set a goal just for it to fail fail for some reason it's just how it is yeah my my story is my life i mean i i'm able to accept it i don't want no pity from nobody i don't want nothing you know me because it is what it is i wouldn't want them in my shoes and i don't want to be yours you know i mean we all have different backgrounds so i can't compare or complain it won't change it was fine i'm so sorry for you thank you very very much you

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Length: 31min 21sec (1881 seconds)

Published: Sat Jan 01 2022