Fentanyl Addict interview--Adrian

so what happened to your head show me the top of your head oh man top of the head what happened i just you got some rough scars yeah i don't know what happened really uh i was fighting with this guy and um next thing i know i was sitting alone i remember i walked out and we started to talk and and the conversation got kind of heated and then i threw a few punches and threw a few more and he started to drop to the ground and i went to back up to let him up so we could keep fighting and the last next thing i know i woke up and i was sitting in the parking lot all by myself covered in blood and uh i guess somewhere when he when i was gonna step away they just jumped on me and kicked my ass left me there by myself life on the streets yeah life on the streets man so adrian where'd you get up where are you from where is that originally i was born in albuquerque new mexico and uh a little tiny hole really actually um i didn't know a toilet until i was nine years old you know i mean because we had outhouses and [ __ ] where i was at you know and uh yeah like i said it was about nine i guess before i actually seen and used a real functioning plumbed toilet you know i mean but i can say that i didn't miss it i don't think i missed anything you know i mean growing up where i did and then whatnot i mean sure now looking back it was uh uh i could just say um made things easy i guess you know i mean having i mean we had to we lived a different way you know i mean you guys walked out back in the middle of the night and [ __ ] you know your family was poor but yeah i mean we just we had a way of life and that was what i knew you know i mean we just lived out in sticks and but was i unhappy about it nah man i was a happy kid i think you know i mean growing up with just even you know the fact that it was just my mom and me you know and and my grandma you know and uh i had a uh a rock star uncle man that used to come flying in and out of our lives like every now and again and he played drums for uh ozzy osbourne for like 16 years his name was randy castillo and uh he died on tour actually with with ozzy and uh from stomach cancer but you know i mean uh he'd come flying in from korea or whatever you know i mean and uh they'd like save all the things that i'd done wrong for my uncle to kick my swap my ass when he came and he'd like come and pull me into the room and show me all kinds of cool [ __ ] from all over the world and you're telling me man don't be getting caught doing that [ __ ] if you're gonna do it don't get caught you know so uh it was awesome though uncle pete where was your dad my dad um he wasn't around around he he just kind of faded off into and then he started coming around later on and wanting to see me and wanting you know [Music] wanting me to spend time with them and so i started to go and but i think for me i think it was more like uh getting to meet the other parts of my family you know the the other half my his his his half because uh they live normal lives you know i mean they had houses with with toilets and you know what i'm saying and that was like my like i said my first experiences with with all that kind of stuff was with them that part of the family and then in the beginning i i kind of was fascinated by it and and and you know made every excuse i think i could to to try to spend more time at and at that side of the family but in the end i was more at home at home you know what i mean i uh as soon as the novelty wore off from the you know the new [ __ ] you know once all that wore off man it was i was just happier at home you know back with my outhouse and and you know what i'm saying our wood burning stove and you know it was cool it's familiar you know yeah i remember like summers grandpa would cut us a piece of soap that my grandma would make on the stove and tell us [ __ ] go out there to the river and wash your asses you know i mean and uh the wintertime was uh the the this tub in the kitchen you know i mean and yeah the the smaller kids got the good [ __ ] because they got the first warm clean water you know when the water was warm and clean and just getting together you know i mean the little kids jumped in and cleaned and by the time the older kids got it it was already dirty and you know i mean cold so me being one of the younger kids throughout that time you know i mean it was it was cool you know then you you moved to l.a at some point yeah we moved i was about nine or ten i guess my mom came out here to los angeles and and um south central l.a man we just i kind of grew up there southgate linwood bell cudahy then uh just my my cousins were all gang members you know what i mean and and just right away i was catapulted into this this life of of gang i mean just seeing it was like every day you know seeing this gang violence and whatnot and there came a point i was probably about 10 years old and my mom i remember it clearly my mom's got a pair of scissors sticking out of her head and she's dragging some lady through my living room and i guess some they're fighting that and she's hitting her bam bam turns around and she reaches into this drawer and she pulls out this gun and goes to stick it to this lady's head and i just hear the gun go off boom but as she pulls out the gun everybody in the room collapses on her so it's like bang boom boom and and yeah i mean i don't get to see the outcome of what happens or whatnot but you know to this day i'm still not sure but um mom didn't go to prison or anything so i'm sure they stopped her before she killed this woman or whatever but i just remember that always about my mom and it made me so scared of my mom when she'd get you know and she was all of like five foot you know i mean she look at me you know i mean i'm i'm 16 17 and you know i mean thinking i'm i'm already a gang member and i'm thinking i mean there's nothing in the world that can scare me but that my mom my mom would see what did you no mommy you know yeah so her dying day you know 50 years old or she was mommy you know i mean but uh yeah she was a something else man but just growing up in that seeing that lifestyle man it just catapulted me right into it and and for some reason when i started a gangbang i just felt like i had to make a statement you know i mean everything i did i did 10 times more you know i mean because i was making a statement you know no matter where i went and what prison i ended up you know there'd be like a tattoo shoe you know when you got out there and you were ordered to do something on the yard you had to take i think it was like two big bertha rounds before you get got down on the ground or maybe it was one i think and then somebody went and did two and then the time that i went out some i mean i got called upon to go out there and make a statement by this time the guy who has the keys to the spot we realize is my my mom's ex-old man so now he's last on me like his son you know what i'm saying and but my name comes up and i have to go out there and do something so in order to impress him you know i mean i went out there and you know i mean it was like one or two was the limit but you know i mean i did three just to you know so what is a big bertha big berth is a 42 millimeter block it's a they're wooden blocks and they shoot them at you they hurt but uh after they shoot a couple of those then they'll they'll drop it and load the nine millimeter or the mini 14 depending on whether you're indoors or outdoors they like that browning indoors now because it doesn't have all that ricochet like the minis but you were ordered to go take care of somebody yeah is that the first time you had to kill somebody um no in prison yeah in prison yeah but outside of prison what's happened before no i i yeah like i said i did everything times 10 you know and and i just i don't know um looking back on it i don't think i feel anything about it there's maybe one in all the [ __ ] times that really bothered me not bothered me but it's it it was just so intimate you know i mean that and what i mean by that is like shooting somebody from across the street or from across a room or or or something like that and killing them is is one thing but when you're in a full-on hand to hand locked in this tiny ass cell and it's just two bodies in there fighting for you know i mean it's really intimate you know i mean you're exchanging body fluids your your your your you know i mean and it's like i said it's pretty intimate and when it all happened it just seemed like fake it just seemed kind of the only thing i can think of at at the time and it sounds stupid when it was all going down and everything was happening and and i can kind of pinpoint now the the points and where he was really dying and everything was all i could think of was riding a horse because growing up out there we rode horses a lot you know and i'd been on a horse plenty of times where they gone lame and you can feel you feel it you know you feel the horse going lame and you just know he's you know and that's what it felt like you know i mean i was on this guy and it felt like it felt like riding a horse a lame horse because i could like feel his steps start to stutter and and he just it was just but the thing i think mostly that bothered me about it the most is that i don't think to this day i still don't even know why he had to die you know what i'm saying and that bothers me you know i'm saying and the other thing that bothered me about it is that cdc won't tell the family the truth about how their son died you know and that of being a father who's lost two children um man i think it's imperative to know exactly how your child dies you know what i'm saying and for these dudes it's just [ __ ] their their version is accidental death and accidental death um no human error is what they said it was human error and when they came to investigate that's what the detective said we're here to investigate the accidental death of and that was just weird for me oh no wait a minute manners there's no accident here man you know i mean um somebody was murdered you know he said well hold on stop you know reads me my rights and he tells me let's start over again so you're saying there's two of you guys into a cell and one of you gets killed so the other's guilty of murder and i said well no i mean no he says well then who murdered him and i said the cops murdered him he said what what do you mean the cops murder i said the cops murdered him they said he pissed somebody off somewhere along the line and they decided to put them in a cell with me you know i mean knowing what was going to happen so thereby using me as a tool to accomplish what they wanted and that was him dead you know and they were kind of ready for that they were like like all the you ever seen a commercial where there i forgot what it is that's going on and they're trying to do something and the guy like like no thanks and all of a sudden everything just drops the background everything they just like pack up everything that's what it was like to me he just like stops and he goes all right check this out this is what's up this is what the charge is going to be this is what's up if you attempt to [Music] contact this dude's family one more time we're gonna prosecute you for this and i'm like what so basically if i just keep my mouth shut i get to go home right okay so i asked my neighbor when my neighbor left i mean when my neighbor left when they were all gone because my neighbor had like the most sensitive ears in the world he could hear a mouse pissing on cotton like three sections over and i tell him hey rob what did what did he just say and he said to me sounded like he said to me consider this a free one and that was it man he just walked away and left me with that man and that's the one thing in all the things that i've ever done in the past like that that that's the one that bothers me that's the one that haunts me i guess you know tell me about drug use um i just you know i started out smoking weed early on my gran my mom i mean my dad and my grandma smoked weed and my uncle jimmy and kathy and um i see them all and one day i i i'm with my cousins we're all playing in the house and uh i get to clown him because i see an ashtray and it's full of roaches so i grab a big old roach out of there and to uh just like clown you know everybody that i'd seen doing it before my grandma i mean my dad and everybody um i grab a roach and i start going like that you know i mean to my cousins like yeah look and they're all laughing and everybody's laughing at me and then all of a sudden all the laughing stops and they're looking and i'm just like something in me just i just know that [ __ ] somebody's standing behind me my grandma my dad somebody you know i mean and i turn around and it's my grandmother and i'm like uh uh uh i throw it in the ashtray and she goes oh no no no made me sit down she [ __ ] lit that [ __ ] up got that [ __ ] smoldering just [ __ ] says here and i'll take it i'm like no grandma no she goes no go on like you were showing your cousin show me and i'm like oh my god no no and i'm not but i do exactly as she says you know and i and i [ __ ] gag and i [ __ ] choke forever and i'm crying but i just remember [ __ ] being high as a [ __ ] kite and my [ __ ] grandma telling me don't you ever do that [ __ ] again don't ever let me catch you doing that [ __ ] again you don't play like that and i told her okay grandma she said what's wrong with you and i told her i don't know my eyes just want to cry but uh she tells me go to bed and and before your aunt gets home and sees you like that and [ __ ] so it started out with that you know what i mean and that that just made me curious i just went on i didn't get into any harder drugs until like around 20 or so and uh um i started with a little bit of math and and no coke and uh i got into the meth thing and i just got into it like full fledged end up cooking meth and and you know just meeting the right person at the wrong wrong person wrong time you know what i'm saying and he ended up being a cook and we just became buddies and i started cooking meth and it just got [ __ ] insane man it was just so much money and so much drugs involved and just i i couldn't [ __ ] i couldn't handle it man i was my brain was constantly going a million miles an hour so a friend of mine [ __ ] turns me on to [ __ ] heroin and uh i take a couple hits we smoke it and i'm like [ __ ] i remember the hive being really [ __ ] good but i never [ __ ] with it after that until i got to prison and once i got to prison that's where it became my thing you know i mean heroin became my thing and uh um but it was my it was my prison thing you know i mean and i kept on and on it while i was in prison and then i got out and uh i had a little battle with cancer man and [ __ ] i was on the pills and everything and i just got strung out on on pharmaceuticals man and they just got too expensive and i ended up back into the heroin because it was just so much cheaper and i was getting so much better of a high and then um i get out man and nobody's got heroin and everybody's doing this new fentanyl [ __ ] man and [ __ ] it just i've always had even when heroin i've been able to control myself you know i mean when it's time to quit you know what boom it's done i'll get sick for my day or so and and i'm good you know but just fentanyl man i cannot i cannot there's something about it man it just i cannot stop it i cannot i've tried everything i can to stop it and it just has this hold on me that won't [ __ ] it won't let me go man i've tried everything i've tried it with drugs i've tried it with with uh the fentanyl i mean i mean with the with the suboxone i've tried it with the uh with the other stuff the was it methadone i tried it with methadone and neither one of them can get me to i mean i'll go to the methadone clinic get my dose and 10 minutes later i just want to go [ __ ] score you know what i mean and uh it just it's got a strange deadly hold on me and i'm afraid i'm going to be a [ __ ] statistic man i really am afraid that that's what's going to be what happens to me bro you're living where you're homeless yeah i just live on the streets man i sleep wherever i pass out i guess um how do you support yourself um mostly selling fennel um [Music] boosting and going steal from stores and um but i mean that's that's about it what is what does this lifestyle do to you emotionally it's made me so ashamed of who i am that i haven't talked to my baby in a year because i don't i just i don't want her to have to say that that's my dad you know what i mean i don't think any child should ever have to say you know there's my daddy you know the one sleeping on the street [ __ ] doing drugs and i don't want her to have to i'm so ashamed who i am that i don't want her to have to be my i don't want to have to say that i'm her dad ugh it's beating me i've finally been beaten man i feel like tyson man tyson [ __ ] took that one and [ __ ] hit laid on the floor and he liked it after that man he just lost every fight because it was just easier to lay down than the [ __ ] fight anymore what's your biggest fear no dying alone it's dying alone i got this cancer trip going again man what kind of cancer [ __ ] tumors what kind of cancer they say it's in my lymph nodes or whatever last time i did treatment i was 216 pounds i did treatment and i went down to 98 pounds bro i'm like a buck 35 right now i don't have treatment in me and you know kill me way before yeah i think it'll kill me before anything what's your biggest regret in your life my biggest regret is not listening to my wife more not taking the guiding hand that she had that could have [ __ ] guided me through the whole [ __ ] mess to all the [ __ ] all i had to do was listen take her hand and just listen and i just i'm such a fool man i mean she made it so easy for me and i still adrian what would you say what do you say is the most important thing you've learned in your life learned what what would you say is the most important lesson you've learned in your life i'd say that the most important thing is that it's just it's never too late man you know um as long as you got life you got breathing you got air going into your lungs and and your you wake up um i truly believe that it's not too late to [ __ ] make the change that needs to be made in order to get you to the place that you need to be not so much the place you want to be but there's places that we need to be in life you know and they're not always the places that we want to be but the creator knows where we're supposed to be and and we just need to follow that you know we live amongst signs and you know when you stop reading the signs and stop acknowledging these signs and and and that's when you start [ __ ] up and you know it's just like a simple sign being you're tired you just want to sleep that's your body telling you get rest if you can't take a simple sign like that and get some rest and then you're you know but you just need to uh open up your eyes and and just signs are there you know there's a path the creator's making the path it's showing you the path and and it's up to you to just make the right turns you know the right choices along the way because believe me they're all there is other choices always there's always another choice you know so it's just never too late to make the right choice you know the one thing about bad decisions is that uh you can change them you know i mean you can always change them you know if that's up to you to change them you know all right adrian thank you so much for sharing your story you're welcome thank you best of luck thank you you

Channel: Soft White Underbelly

Views: 120,990

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Id: ZVVXFj1TIoA

Length: 32min 43sec (1963 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 28 2022