Crushes, rejection, and break ups

um hello my name is alyssa and i am a hopeless romantic hello alyssa it's gotten me into a lot of trouble the running the chasing the mind games and it always ends the same i always get my hopes up just to get my heart broken and i know it's silly to dream of someone waltzing into my life and sweeping me off my feet like i'm some sort of disney princess but man wouldn't that be nice dating has always been really confusing for me i'm never sure if someone likes me or like likes me or if they're just asking me for my number so they can copy my homework the first crush i remember having was in first grade on a kid i'll call coconut head cause his haircut kind of made his head look like a coconut i don't know man it was the early 2000s and that's what i was into he was smart funny always made sure i felt included on the playground and one time he shared his fruit snacks with me he was everything a six-year-old girl could ask for and on that fateful day when my pencil fell off my desk and he grabbed it handed it back to me looked me in the eyes and said here you go bam i was in love i didn't know what to do about it like what am i supposed to ask him to ask his mom if she can ask my mom if he can come over for a playdate and and tell him to tell his mom that if she says no i'm gonna cry so you should probably let him come over no i can't do that coconut head was a man of chivalry and i was merely a damsel in pencil distress i could never air my feelings i was shy so what did i do i bottled them up stuffed them down real deep and became very avoidant keep in mind i didn't even know if he liked me back picking up a pencil is a pretty neutral action when you think about it though he did do it a couple times and we sat together a lot and talked a lot and always picked each other to be partners but what if he was just being friendly i don't know he loves me he loves me not he loves me he loves me not he loves me well that settles that coconut head oh hi alyssa do you like me [Music] well you're always picking up my pencil and picking me to be your partner and sharing your fruit snacks so do you like me uh i i well tip number one talk to them alone though having a crush on someone is a very vulnerable thing it's not easy to find the words to match the feelings let alone say it all out loud and the last thing you want to do to the kind soul who treats you right is embarrass them into never talking to you again so don't do what i did also coconut head i am very sorry the next crush i remember having was in middle school on a guy i'll call finn like finn from adventure time i thought this guy was super cool he dressed cool he acted cool he used curse words he got in trouble all the time he was mean to other kids he was mean to teachers he was in detention a lot he probably wasn't the best person to have a crush on but i guess that's why i had a crush on him because i knew i didn't have to do anything about it i knew he was bad news i knew he'd never talked to someone like me and i knew he didn't like me back in fact he didn't even know i existed nothing bad can happen if things don't happen in the first place who needs actual dates when you can just fall asleep fantasizing about them inviting you to the local roller skating rink why bother confessing feelings when you can vividly picture them catching you when you fall and holding your hand and sharing a big pizza pie yeah that's amore which brings me to tip number two work towards having a healthy attachment style whether you're crushing on someone or actually dating them now attachment styles are just a theory they develop during our first year of life but they aren't set in stone from there on out our attachment styles can change for many reasons as we grow from going through trauma or overwhelming experiences to actively working on improving ourselves my point though is i think attachment styles are worth referencing to check in on how you and others are operating in your close relationships whether that be with partners friends or even family secure attachment styles are relationships where you're confident they care about you you're confident you care about them and if something bad were to happen you're confident you'd both be able to work through it without worrying that the other person would love you any less some less healthy types of attachment styles include anxious and avoidant and although there are many many more to learn about i just want to focus on these two since they often go hand in hand as you could probably guess i currently have avoidant attachment tendencies avoidance can be scared of getting close to people and scared of being vulnerable for whatever personal reason maybe their trust was taken advantage of in the past maybe they did open up only to be told their problems or feelings were stupid or maybe they don't know why their brain defaults to this thinking pattern but they do know they're afraid of getting hurt and they still get into relationships because we're only human that's kind of what we do but sometimes the avoidance ends up dating someone with an anxious attachment style anxious attachment style people are often scared that even though they and or their partner has opened up they still don't feel secure in their relationship for whatever personal reason maybe they were with someone who made a lot of promises but never followed through maybe they knew someone for years deeply and were so securely attached and out of nowhere that person abandoned them or maybe they don't know why their brain defaults to this thinking pattern but they do know they're afraid of getting hurt and they still get into relationships because again we're only human that's what we do as most of you already know the first person i dated was a regrettable one to say the least and if i didn't manage his emotions he would take it out on me it was stressful at its best and unsafe at its worst if this dynamic sounds familiar to you i have a bunch of videos and educational advice that i highly recommend checking out thankfully those days are far behind me and i'm doing a lot better though i haven't really talked about my love life since then cause there's a lot of y'all listening now a lot more than before and the people i date deserve their privacy as do i but i will tell you this tip number three treat every breakup like a lesson if someone needs to leave let them leave no matter how much it hurts there will be people you date who really change your life but that doesn't mean you have to or will be with them forever and those are the worst kinds of breakups because you love this person they love you and because you love each other so much why would you hold each other back from being happy you don't say no don't move hours away to pursue your dream stay here with me and settle no you love them so you let them go you don't say okay i'm unhappy in this relationship because we've grown into two amazing but completely different people over the years but i guess i'll stay no you say i'm sorry we're no longer compatible and we can't keep pretending we are just so we don't have to sleep alone at night you don't say yeah you're right opposites do attract love makes you crazy so even though this is harmful for both of us mentally and emotionally i guess i'll stay no you say i'm so sorry i didn't have better boundaries and i was too afraid to go slow in this relationship for fear you would leave me and now here we are three months in talking about marriage and we can't even get through one dinner without a stupid argument we have to break up and at times like these we feel less like the knight in shining armor less like the damsel in distress and more like the twist villain that makes the other person say wow i should have known so finally after pining and romanticizing and falling and breaking and crying you surrender to the universe or god or whatever omnipotent force is pulling all the strings you can't see you stop forcing things you stop meeting people and you stop wishing for a relationship because at this point it's as if you know too much you know how these things start you know how they go and you know how they end and you're just so sick of it so you decisively definitively stop looking for love and of course like we've all heard before you'll find love right when you stop looking for it so what happens then what happens when one day you meet someone and no matter how much you try to escape fate it feels like the sky is parting the clouds to make sure you don't miss this and you think to yourself all right i'll take things slow i'll be optimistic but i won't get too invested i won't get hurt again what happens when the first time you hold hands it feels like a movie and before you know it you're always together can't stand to be a part you've got nicknames and mnemonics to remember their friends their pets their favorite places what kind of car they can't wait to buy how they got that scar on their leg and why you both can't stand silence but you love doing nothing especially together what happens when you're no longer afraid to be vulnerable what happens when they confess their feelings for you and you feel the same and you find yourself watching the sunset with them just like you've always dreamed what happens when they finally kiss you and you realize you've never kissed someone as much as you've kissed them what happens when you meet their parents their friends all the people in their life that they love and they're nice and you feel safe and you're sitting on the couch watching a movie together it's just a tuesday night in some random beautiful small town you never knew existed until now and they turned you and say i'm sorry i don't see a future with you what happens then what do you do you stand up you put your shoes on and you leave and you want to cry but you can't because you've been on the other end of those words before you know how hard it is to break up with someone you aren't mad you don't want revenge you don't want to be alone right now but you also don't want to get back together you don't really know what you want other than to somehow be happy and for them to be happy because you love them and they love you you go home you unpack and you make breakfast for the first time without them you do some yoga shower go to work see your friends play a video game check out that new restaurant find a new song to listen to on repeat anything anything to fill the time and distract your mind and just live your life just like you always have just like you always did before any of that happened and you try not to think about the what ifs and this is for the best whether you know it now or not but you still have a lot of emotions left in you a lot of closure you can only find on your own so what do you do well you write a bunch of breakup songs i guess you got me imprinted love's true human form [Music] only found out in sweaters that you've worn there's no going back cloud nine is all i know i wanna throw your sweaters out cause they don't feel like home [Music] you

Channel: illymation

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Id: GGA5hykn90k

Length: 12min 55sec (775 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 09 2022