Craig Ferguson Dirtiest Moments Ever Part 2

[Applause] really thank you everyone thank you you're completely you're completely genuine Ovation has proved to be a bomb for my difficult childhood my self-loathing has left and now I fully believe that my life will be fine now that you've faked enjoying seeing me [Laughter] ladies what Oh you mean this the here yeah oh no oh go do do you miss the Hooters girl experience um in testic oh testicles yes yes we did in fact I have some Australian testicles by some but see I think I'd be quite excited if you were petting me I have one on my foot oh wow um I don't recommend it it look so small in a bigger Studio [Music] you are a pretty one look at you look great I have to say I really do want to touch the haggus and the Tardis well let's see if you earn the right to wait well you can't just come straight out here and touch my hagus you got to you pull my hair a little stff you can pull your hair yeah okay a little bit see it's real yeah cuz I watched on Monday night and Zoe did this whole little like sexy thing but I was like see I want to yank it you're my new best friend and I love what you're wearing thank you is it going to it's very it's put it's it's going to stay in its place I promise what it you know if it doesn't it doesn't we get you're among friends wow I never noticed that on your foot before yes that tattoo oh extremely painful yeah it was um I was 19 I had a couple of tequila shots oh was that legal in the you were in at 19 uh no it was not look very very nice very elegant indeed your feet all right there here let me get you something hold on uhoh there you go the old Tom Cruz stool there you are excuse the P Tom Cruz's sto yeah exactly it's a category three actually this is very comfortable yeah I know I want to make you comfortable I want you to be happy and comfortable and know you're in a this to Little People well it we call it Tom Cruz still because we think that if Tom Cruz is ever on the show which is unlikely but if he's ever here I don't want his feet to not reach the floor cuz then he jumps on your furniture like he did on Oprah oh to distract you I don't know if it's good with people's self-esteem little well no it's all right these are very high chairs there it's a an optical illusion sometimes we get people with very long legs sometimes but just not today yesing of I was watching the thing of Australia and oh yes there some Australia L and testicles too Tes know you and Jeff were talking about Australia and testicles oh testicles yes yes we did in fact I have some Australian testicles by some yes these are testicles from a kangaroo you probably recognize the well no you maybe not but these are um these are testicles from a genuine Australian kangaroo who's uh obviously a little upset but uh well I you know I went to when I I lived in Sydney for a few months a few years ago and when I went to like a zoo or whatever I had I saw a kangaroo with like the biggest testicles no biggest uh oh uh gentleman's equipment yes he was very excited uh that I petting him yeah well bety I think I'd be quite excited if you were petting me but you're taking a lot of Aderall these days what's Aderall is that a stimulant yeah did you just meow me there you meowed me you went your legs are here they are also they tend to bring me wow I mean they don't just get you around they you're traveling in style they're getaway sticks yeah there you got a that's you're well done uh you got your is that the shorts you've got on there yeah I'm wearing shorts mhm I noticed yep yeah thank you and I was just there now and it's so great I ate so much I feel good though yeah yeah how come are you look I mean I I'm a really I'm good you know to eat and I think I mean it was she learned the words then a you know I know a little bit my brother is nyp oh your brother is a cop that's right yeah yeah so I learned a little bit about did he tell you any like secret cop handshakes or anything uh you know those are secret yeah I guess they are I can show you under the table you look absolutely lovely I love your dress thank you so much you know I heard what you were saying about the Olympics and Tanya Harding yes and people have told me that I look like Tanya Harding she wishes girlfriend well thank you yeah that's the last time I read fan sites yeah yeah do you do you go on the internet and Google yourself um I have I have yeah I really have you'll never find anything good about yourself Googling yourself I haven't yet so I think I'm not going to do that no I I used to Google myself but I don't anymore that's smart you know sometimes you know if I if it's late and you're feeling low yeah that's right that's right you look Sensational look at you with your lovely or is that orange yeah actually they said um they said um you know that the chair is maroon the chair is maroon I think the orange will still still be okay I was going to blend in just have a floating head that's why that's why I can't wear dark suits here because it's so it's so badly lit this show that it just looks like you know but you'll be all right people will notice you I I think you'll be used to that no I'm not no no you no I live in New York so no one notices you you just hang out no one cares no that's you think that that's New Yorkers they fooled you what they're doing is they're looking at you out the corner of their ey they're like who's that don't look don't look don't look I I can see hello you look lovely you look lovely thanks very much indeed I'm wearing this suit until we go to the big studio and then I'm going to put on a bigger suit congratulations that's so exciting it's very exciting we're going to have to get new furniture well we're not going to get new furniture you're just going to shove this desk over literally that's what we'll do it's for the studio next door we just take it it next door and then it look so small in a bigger Studio size is important to you in some way well what's the width of this desk uh I'd say I'd say it was about a foot a foot 2 feet well can you can you size things up with your you're a very frightening woman cuz if you can cuz if you can tell things size just by looking at them that in don't stop looking there it's a whole euphemism thing that's happening I just wanted to make it a little more literal well it's you can't you can't you can't make it literal why because then the sensors will get me it has to be euphemistic you've said fudge twice already yeah yeah yeah and you got renewed for two more seasons you're fine I've just realized though that the bigger studio right next door is just exactly the same as this except bigger that doesn't make it better at all does it kind of does it does yeah all right kind of does wait that cop uniform that you're wearing there yeah yeah you have that yeah that's how I got the job oh man that's uh that's quite a look uh yeah well it's actually it's not that sexy it's I don't know there's no you know it's like from head to toe it's it's like gabardine it's like full on yeah exactly so you have to like fight your way through got it gun you've got your no it's going to struggle and you got to work your way through it yes you've got equipment I mean it's it's heavy you're equ that's what I'm saying you're wearing on fullon uh uh you know bullet yeah did you go on a ride along along did you do a I did a rideal along in South Central really yeah I mean any scary stuff yeah we were in the projects we were rolling in the projects rolling yeah you look Sensational may I say you look really good for being in a celebrity Feud I I'm actually I'm actually not really in a celebrity Feud you're holding it up well holding it together no I'm just pretend it's just a pretend do you want me to sort her out I no you don't have to please alone no really don't make me cut a cuz I oh hey I can go up to her to something you hurt him C you no drop the grenade down the thing it'll be fine okay all right right Jeff there's no time F quickly I honestly backstage I was like is Liam in here this is really crazy it's really it's good isn't it he does a very good Liam n walk down the stairs turn around three times click your heels open the suitcase touch your nose yeah I know and you visting another robust this I know what a lovely dress you look Sensational I wore it for you really I did what in order to sell it to me uh my plan is to seduce you seduce me yes I heard your big flirt and I like flirting I really do I love it really you follow old men around flirting with them no no I like the ones who engage back oh well I I I I absolutely so show me what you got no you can't put me on the spot like that say show me what you got you got to work up to a little bit buy me dinner Don't just run in and mus my hair come on Jeff nothing hi I'm Jeff and I'm no longer gay that's awesome a you short taken to in uh in Istanbul right yes we did I've been there month have you yeah I have had a very nice time did you go and look at did you smoke the uh the giant uh hey yeah not drugs it's not it's not drugs it's tobacco uh which and I'm not in any way condoning that but did you do it yeah yeah and did you have the tea I did I I did it all I did every Turkish you know you tourist tradition did you do opio uh no no did you not in Istanbul no New York in the80s yes totally no you're you're very is a gentleman's drunk what opium yes it used to be I think in the 19th century you know uh Opium Den opium dens you know and guys who Robert Downey Jr would later play in the movies Miami is that where you're from yeah I'm from Miami oh do you roller blade backwards up this with a little thong on um cuz I do that every time I'm in my I would love to see that for myself um I don't do that I got a tattoo in Miami once did you where uh in Miami no where oh uh on on my arm here the one that I have here on my arm oh nice yeah no it's nice from ammy James who was working there at the time oh yeah am do you know I me I don't oh okay but maybe I know of him do you have any tattoos I do I have one here I have one on my foot oh wow um I don't recommend it what having one on your foot yeah it's very painful yeah I know and don't is painful too though not that bad I shut up it was I feel like I feel like whatever happened was I I drank some tequila before that and Tequila's a bit of a upper so is it I had no idea yeah yeah it is um so you know um do you have a drinking problem no I don't I just had some to get the tattoo I mean oh yes I was kind of frightened of needles so I just had a shot of I think two and um and when I started I was like oh God make it stop but then it was just going to look really bad so no you have to finish it or wear a sock for the rest of your life yeah yeah it's quite sock of Shame it's going fancy an awkward pause uh sure okay I'm just getting ready for the accent Bell cuz I heard about it oh right okay yeah yeah you want to do uh you to officially do this oh yeah if you want do you want to are you going to do something sure good evening how may I help you welcome to the hotel pornucopia can I get you a room or a suite I believe my reservation is for a suite no that's really good that's really good I I can do well I can do British or oh that's very nice yes we're having a bit of we're having a downt Abby evening here every episode here is the Downtown Abby do you enjoy the Downtown Abby I do enjoy a bit of downtown have you ever been there no not down naby I mean like the UK downtown have you ever been downtown yeah you know what I mean I knew where you going and I headed you off at the P you see what just happened I no I don't see what happened invented your sexual euphemism because I saw it coming no pun intended I cut you off cut you off yes pun intended sort of award sence isn't it I like a woman who moves are you the only ex Hooters girl that's been nominated for an Oscar do you know unless Francis mcdorman had a career as a Hooters girl a Hooters girl I'm thinking not I don't know though I don't know do do you miss the Hooters girl experience um no no I miss the free Wings free Wings yeah I think it must be one of the hardest jobs on Earth being a Hooter's girl actually because you not only are you waiting table you're listening to extra amounts of crap from men you know I was so naive when I worked there and I had been a dancer so I was used to running around in stage in leotard and tights so I'm like What's the difference leotard and tights orang in shorts and tights there's a difference who knew hey you know Hooters has their own Airline now I heard that I've never traveled Hooter how about you I oddly enough I was working on this film um called Taladega kns and we all had to fly on this jet to go to um uh Birmingham to go to one of these races and they had chartered a huge Jet and it was a Hooters air jet did the hoo girls come by and open your p no they weren't working that day apparently we didn't have any I I don't know but I was really like oh yeah Hooters man yeah I don't know I I I like Airlines to be sort of you know well we'll be flying at 5,000 all kind of you know respectable and pompus I don't like woohoo Hooters let's go turbulence yeah let's find some more exactly my dad had this brilliant idea of um getting me an instructor that was an 87y old man and if I was your dad I'd do that too be like yeah you Grandpa you can get in the car with her hey Junior what's up coming to go was a big mistake I don't know he was break happy and then I had to pick up did he put did he say first of all put on the indicating light and just leave it on basically we were with the hazard lights driving through the expressway but the worst part about it is is that I had to pick up old people at the old people home and take them to see their families he made you do that yeah so I was was he of old people dying or something I don't know I we just have to make a stop here I need to see a guy really yes I promise wow he was making you write his buddies around yes and you know he was pretending you were his girlfriend he was saying that up he was saying that to the rest of the old people he was like Hey where where do you live do you estano no no I live in LA but um but I'm originally from Ohio but normally when people ask I sort of say that I'm from that same that that beautiful dreamy island in the middle of the the Atlantic where gwenneth and Madonna come from where the trees grow burry purses and everyone sort of speaks like this do you speak French no you don't have to if you going talk the accent it's fine the main thing to speak French and i' I've shot three movies there um the main thing is to um fance if you have the defance it's a everything is good it's a like this yes it's just a I think I'm still a bit too Italian I'm kind of like no you have to get it less so the hand gestur it's very B pretend like you have a cigarette at the end of your lips at all times no I I look like I had a big meal or something it's the Scottish thing but really like culturally I feel like I've I have no associations with Scotland so you're kind of you know clean slate my idea of Scottish manhood will be formed today no hold on just a second I'm very sorry Scotland that's the thing that you do you did this yeah it's it's The Shakespearean aside that's all it is what she doesn't know is I've been doing this for years well I I want to learn nowadays the internet's become this thing I guess it's a thing now internet I've have never heard of it I mean it's a thing that you don't just use to watch porn you can also watch other things hang on like episodic television do you think porn is about fear of intimacy you know I saw this the uh segment with Joe Gordon love it before and I noticed you went two segments with him I figured it was cuz you were talking about porn and I thought that was a really cheap shot cuz I thought you know what do you on at like 12:30 in the morning it's like being like it's like a spectator sport it's like you're basically people are watching porn and then you're talking about porn over their porn very excited you are here because that I I not that I have to watch I but my son is 10 and he enjoys the show and it's good I actually saw you at a Nintendo like that's right cuz cuz he was with me he was like jany Jan mcy I was like I know I was too scared to go up to you though I was too scared to come over to you cuz I look like creepy old man coming over to the hi I'm going to talk show that'd be a little weird I saw you like by the ramen and I started walking and by the what by the ramen cart you're definitely by the ramen cart I was by the ramen cart you are absolutely abolutely correct did you enjoy the noodles yourself when you were there uh yeah they were delicious you like noodles I like noodles a lot what about what else was there I think they had these little mini burgers do you enjoy them uh yeah but I'm more of like I like Italian stuff so oh you do yeah pasta yeah I call pretend we don't know each other exactly or pretend we're great friends that's what you do do you remember when we saw Larry David at that party that was do you ever meet anyone famous at a Hollywood party and think and think you know them and then realize you don't they're just famous all the time do you do that yeah it's really embarrassing so embarrassing how do you get out of it I just go [Music] you or there or pretend I have to go to the bathroom very quickly oh there nothing worse yeah I'm yeah no it's pretty bad what sorry what's that on your desk it's a snake cup I I've got this weird freyy thing about my penis so I uh I have a snake cup for where and also it's not very I mean it's sort of shaped more like a a ladies well I don't know much about your Australian ladies but in America oh my God in America the ladies don't have nothing like this oh my gosh a ladies what Oh you mean this the here yeah oh no oh gosh let's just put that away let's just I can't believe you get so much sexual information from a piece of it's only a cup it's only a cup are you in therapy don't no are you going to Psycho Al I I'll do it if you want okay try yeah yeah I'll be the therapist here I'm putting my hands together right all right all right okay so this is your first visit to me what's the accent well I'm just you know I'm just a bit of flavor yes this is my first visit to you I see and you're frightened of flying correct and this is what you need help with fear flying I see when you this question may seem weird to you but when you look at a a a piece of uh Crockery or a drinking utens do you immediately think of a male or female sex organs both I see you spent a lot of time in Europe then yeah this is good good fact your name mcer that's Irish though isn't it yeah Irish how you enjoy potatoes and whiskey uh all all the way all the time every day I'm actually 19 you're very you're very welcome oh yeah 19 you can't drink whiskey yeah well that's here in in in Ireland you'd have been legally drinking whiskey for the past 9 years I actually have a friend who's Irish and he always talks about he's like oh yeah I was out drinking yesterday and I go oh I wasn't

Channel: Bite-Sized Betterment

Views: 106,432

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Id: 9zHMubSXAas

Length: 21min 47sec (1307 seconds)

Published: Sat May 11 2024