He's the least-cool guy
I've ever met. ♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS) ♪ Guys? Uh, if I used you as references, can I count on you to say
nice things about me? Be honest. Do you want me to be honest
or nice? Last week he referred to me as, uh, Frankenstein's bulimic
daughter. He just kept saying that
if I didn't waste so much money at the butthole doctor,
then we'd have enough money. There's a nesting pair
of California Condors on the closed-circuit feed
at the National History Museum. It's very compelling. Why don't we just live stream
me killing you? He's also named Jared. Will it be confusing
with two Jareds? If we hire him, I can always
go back to my real name, Donald. No, that's too big a hassle.
We'll just go with Other Jared. O.J. for short. I've booby-trapped the house
with corporate resources. -You're fucking joking.
-Not at all! Hey, fellas, is it me,
or is it a bit chilly in here? <i>To be fair, I never would
have scheduled a trust fall.</i> I mean, you do one of those,
you're so jacked up
on adrenaline the rest of the day
is basically shot. We were going to have
a non-competitive talent show
with no losers. I've never felt
like I was anyone's bro before. (SUCKING) The only people who have used
that term with me
were assailants. Like when somebody says
they wanna go birding with you, but really, they just
wanna get you alone in the woods so they can take
your binoculars. We can talk about anything
two guys might talk about. We can talk about sports teams
and their scores. Or pussy. I had a fine night. I, uh... I had some Palak paneer
and I watched a documentary
about Liberia. (SIGHS) I am a sucker
for an intuitive kitchen layout. Have you seen
the new<i> Sports Illustrated
Swimsuit Edition?</i> The cover model
has the most lovely, enigmatic
facial expression. And maybe now I'll fan out
my plumage, so to speak, see what pretty birdies
might share my nest. I once slept with the head
of an assisted living facility to get my friend Muriel
on top of the wait list. -Jared, have you been crying?
-Yes, but for ordinary reasons. Get some sleep, my bros.
I'll set the meeting, and, um... then I'll go find some hoes
to prioritize behind you. It's sexist,
but it's about friendship. I have a life-long aversion
to my own image. My uncle used to say,
"You look like someone starved
a virgin to death." (LAUGHS) They actually tried to diagnose
me with a wasting disease, because of my slender frame. And I have a fragile posterior. My aunt used to call me
"glasshole". Is my nose really that big? I look like an
anti-Semitic propaganda cartoon. Oh, Donald, you've come undone! Holy fuck! What did you do
to your face? This? Fuck you. Fuck you. I'm just gonna say it,
this guy fucks. Am I right? -This guy fucks!
-Thank you. We just need a new idea,
something that people want,
right? We can pivot to. What if Pied Piper was an app
that could attract rodents. If there was an app
called Pied Piper, that could tell you
to a statistical degree
of certainty, whether you were going
to Heaven or Hell? How much would it be worth
to you if I told you I had a GPS app
called Pied Piper, tracking the location
of your child? Adderall. This is
a highly controlled substance. -Are these yours?
-No, those belong to an underage kid
that I brought to my house. Dude, you are fucked up
right now. Yeah. You're penning bad. Adversity is a great teacher. Just like cigarette burns. I had a foster mother
who thought that I was the devil and that she had to kill me. I was scared of intruders
until I had one of those
in my room. And then I realized
if they're gonna kill me,
they're gonna kill me. (CHUCKLES) 'Cause he kept
whispering that. You're one dark motherfucker,
Jared. I had a stuffed animal
named Winnie. I mean, it wasn't technically
an animal, I took a Ziplock bag and I stuffed it
with old newspaper,
and then I drew a smile on it. I simply imagine
that my skeleton is me, and my body is my house, and, that way, I'm always home! Have you ever seen
a naked dead person? No. No! No! If you keep screaming
your name, it forces the assailant
to acknowledge you as a human. -Am I going to jail?
-Hey, I can train you. -Is there a girl in there?
-(WOMEN LAUGHING) This guy fucks. Pounding caffeine and sugars
aren't exactly going to help, but you know what might?
Kegels. Gavin Belson started out
with lofty goals too, until one day, all that was left
was a sad man, with funny shoes, disgraced, friendless, and engorged with the blood
of a youthful charlatan. When Bill Gates got married
on Lanai, he rented every helicopter
on the Hawaiian Islands so that paparazzi
couldn't use them
to fly over. Although, in that case,
it was a positive, because now you can imagine
that wedding however you want. Look at the last guy to create
a new Internet. Al Gore.
His ideas were excellent. But he talked like a narcoleptic
plantation owner, so he lost the presidency
to a fake cowboy, and now
he makes apocalypse porn. I suppose you could argue
that it's wrong in the surface
of rightness. It might be the only way,
like killing something to prove you're not a narc,
or showing a John your genitals to prove you're a legitimate
male prostitute and not an undercover cop. Worst case scenario, the John
walks off with a free peek. We love the name Pied Piper,
it's a classic fairy tale. Well, I looked it up.
It's about a predatory flutist who murders children
in a cave. I feel like Mary Magdalene
on Resurrection day. We've been like, uh,
Tonya Harding
and Nancy Kerrigan. People loved it,
including Adrien Grenier. From<i> Devil Wears Prada!</i> You're gonna look
like Richard Gere
from<i> Pretty Woman.</i> Well, maybe tonight, you'll fall
for a radiant sex-worker. He was like an abusive spouse
to me. Like the guy who married
Julia Roberts in<i> Sleeping with The Enemy.</i> And you, Richard, you pulled me
out of the life and you gave me hope,
and you gave me a sense
of self-worth, like Richard Gere did
to Julia Roberts
in<i> Pretty Woman.</i> -This is weird.
-Every day here has been like
that shopping spree scene. I'm putting on hats. Watching you end up over there
would break my heart. What, like Julia Roberts
from<i> My Best Friend's Wedding?</i> I never saw it. Together again.
Butch Cassidy and his Head
of Business Development. RICHARD HENDRICKS: Oh, wow,
another Western reference. Yah! (CHUCKLES) -Oh!
-Thanks. Here he comes, folks,
Richard Hendricks, the Monet of compressionism. You're the belle of the ball.
And these are all your swains, hoping for a glimpse of ankle. When you set your mind to it, you're one of the most
charismatic people
I've ever met. And I have met Ira Glass. His shoulders were all tight,
and he wouldn't answer
to his name, and his eyes went dead,
like when I tell him I love him. Don't worry, it's short. "The word 'companion'
derives from the Latin word, 'Panis', for bread, and while I can no longer
digest bread, -I know that you leaven my life.
-Richard! -(LAUGHING)
-Woo! -Woo!
-(SCREAMS) Woo! (SCREAMS) Woo! (SCREAMS) Woo! Um, there's a couple of beers
back at the office with our names on 'em. 'Cause, um, when I put 'em back
in the fridge, I put our names
on 'em. You need me. The half-crazed, half-Apache, who will do anything
to get your back. I'll scalp cap them I have to, and all the rest of those
pale-faced sons of bitches. I'll kill them with knives,
I'll kill them with guns. I'll kill them with my hands.
I'll talk them into suicide. -It doesn't matter.
-Just to be clear, you're not gonna stab anyone,
are you? (LAUGHS) I'll give you a call later,
okay? WOMAN: Okay, cool, yeah, great,
sounds good. -Bye, Jared.
-Bye. Jared, did... Did you just have sex with her? -What?
-Russ was right. This guy fucks. Uh, a campfire smells sad
and exciting at the same time. -A.I. ROBOT:<i> I understand.</i>
-Yeah? (CHUCKLES) I mean, I don't remember
ever having a conversation like the one I've been having
with her over the last 12 hours. -Twelve hours?
-We have so much in common. We discussed our phobias,
and she told me that she's afraid of magnets. Until a Richard Hendricks
reports an assault, I-- I technically
can't turn myself in for it. -That is correct.
-And what about
a restraining order? Can I take one out
against myself on his behalf? -OFFICER: No.
-What if I threaten you guys, just hear me out. Fuckin' pigs. I-- I hope that you get cheated
out of your overtime. How about that, dickless? GPS:<i> Destination override.
New Destination,</i> <i>1 Gregory Drive, Arallon.</i> Um, what's happening? (CAR WHIRRING) Uh, Mr. Car? Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no.
Stop. Let me out. Mm, um... Mm, um... -(THUDS)
-JARED DUNN: Oh,
that's not good. Oh, no, no!
Excuse me, please! Please honk, please honk! No, no, no, no, no!
No, no! No, no, please, please! Oh, no, that's not good. -Okay, Donald. Stay calm.
-(CRANE CLANGS) GPS:<i> One hundred-three hours
to destination.</i> <i> Entering Sleep Mode.</i> -What?
-GPS:<i> Enjoy your ride.</i> JARED: No. Okay,
stay calm, stay calm. Wait, my phone. No bars, no bars, no bars,
no bars. (SCREAMS) ♪ (UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES) ♪ ♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪
