♪♪ -Hey, everybody,
and welcome back. This is "Corrections"
for the week of June 7th, and you will notice we changed
the title card once again. Please let us know
what you think about it. Although, as we've established, you do not need an invitation. I want to start -- I said --
I referred to a peacock as a she. A peacock is the male. A peahen is a female. And now, colloquially,
I was correct. But of course,
the "Corrections" jackals have a different
set of standards. [ Laughter ] So, I'm glad
we cleaned that up. Last week, this happened
actually in "Corrections," and I think one of
the most frustrating things -- not that this is frustrating,
because, again, it brings me great joy. [ Laughter ] A lot of times, I have
to correct something that I said last week
in "Corrections." So, I talked about
how back in the old days, you would,
with your calculator, type 5-8-0-0-8 and then flip it upside down and it spelled "boobs." And then I said it was great because then if the teacher
came over and said, "What are you doing?" you would say, "Oh, we're just
doing the 80,000s." People pointed out to me,
you would want to say to her, you're doing the 58,000s. Because you can't -- If you give it away pre-flip, the gig is up. [ Laughter ] I was also reminded --
and I had remembered this. People said,
"Hey, did you forget that if you do 5,318,008 and flip it upside down,
it's 'boobies'"? And they said,
"Why didn't you do that?" And I'm like,
I'm not going to infantilize the human body that way. [ Laughter ] I was doing my excellent, unimpeachably good Werner Herzog impression, and I had him say,
"Cock a doodle doo" the way I thought
he would say it. An eagle-eyed and helpful
German viewer said, in Germany, it's not cock a doodle doo. In Germany, roosters say
"kikeriki." Which, I just think
that's great to know. If you're ever on vacation
in Frankfurt or Bremen, you know, the sun comes up
and you hear "Kikeriki!" Now you won't lose your mind.
You'll know. And if it's in Bremen
and you hear a rooster, it might be one of
the musicians of Bremen. Of course it won't, though, because they never
make it to Bremen. Nice try. Know ya Grimms'. Some people have asked
why we bleep curse words in "Corrections,"
since it's only online. And that's a very good question.
I don't know the answer to that. I'll be honest, I didn't even
know that was the case. I'm not going back
and watching this. [ Laughter ] You know what I mean?
Like, this is... For it -- For me, the minute
this is over, it's... But, you know, we'll see,
maybe I'll -- I'm gonna try, see if I can sneak some curses
in and we'll see... and see what gets beeped,
you know? See what the standards are. Mentioned --
I got it right tonight, but I got it wrong yesterday -- West Virginia senator
Shelley Moore Capito. I said "Ca-pee-to" yesterday. I want to apologize. And then Baze --
Alex Baze, our head writer. Sometimes he is aware that he is
writing for someone who flubs, gets some pronunciations wrong. And he gave me
a very helpful way to remember
the right way to do it, which is she belongs
to the party that inspired
the riot at the Capito. [ Laughter ] We've talked a lot
about the fact that Donald Trump had a blog
and he called the horse that won the Kentucky Derby
a junkie. And we mentioned that one of the things
that made it extra funny is he spelled junkie wrong --
he did J-U-N-K-Y, when everybody spells it
with an I-E. Well, I got a correction
that pointed out correctly that William S. Burroughs
wrote a book -- and I even went
and got the book. He wrote the book "Junky"
and he spelled it with a "Y." And I don't think Donald Trump reads
a lot of fiction, but I bet when he does, it's William S. Burroughs. [As Trump] William S. Burr--
we love him. Billy Burroughs. One of the great... The "S", for me -- "spectacular." "Naked Lunch." What a book. Not what I thought
it was gonna be. When I picked it,
I thought it was gonna be about one of those
Las Vegas brunch places where the waitresses
don't wear tops. But it was so,
so much better than that. Billy Burroughs! [Norma voice] Oh, I, um... This one really hurts because it's about
Marjorie Taylor Greene, and more often than not,
you know, she and I are on the same page. [ Laughter ] We showed a clip of her saying in defense
of Confederate statues, that -- basically, she was saying
at some town meeting that if there was a
Hitler statue or a Satan statue, she wouldn't want them
torn down, because she would want
to use them to teach her kids
about Hitler and Satan, because, um... I guess there are
no books in her town. And I said, you know,
there are no -- there are no statues
of Hitler or Satan. And then people said
there was, in Detroit -- there was a statue of a goat-headed demon named Baphomet. And again, this one
you obviously want to... I hope
I'm getting that one right. Because I would assume that,
you know, a goat-headed demon
might be a stickler about the pronunciation. Or he's laid-back,
in which case, all of you
are worse than Baphomet. [ Laughter ] Baphomet -- goat-headed demon, and you knew he was there, you knew he had arrived
via pentagram. I don't know how things
like this show up. You would know Baphomet
had arrived when you heard, "Maaahhh!" But you would know
he'd arrived in Germany if he said, "Riketiki tock tock tock
tock tock-tock tock!" [ Laughter ] We're talking a lot
about cicadas, and... a press plane that was
following the president, President Biden,
couldn't even take off because a bunch of cicadas
caused mechanical failure. I've been talking about
this musical "Cicada, Cicada" that we're doing,
and a lot of people said, "Oh, my God, you have to put
that in 'Cicada, Cicada.'" "Cicada, Cicada" is done. This isn't just, like, an idea. We've written the musical
"Cicada, Cicada." It is about a cicada
who emerges from the soil after 17 years, played by
Christine Baranski, who loves musicals
and as soon as she emerges, immediately goes to New York,
where she meets a cigarette-smoking cockroach, played by Harvey Fierstein, who loves the Mets, and he has to break it to her
that Broadway is not open yet. And she said, "That's fine,
I'll wait as long as it takes," and he doesn't have
the heart to tell her that she's only going to live
another two weeks. Like, that's how cicadas work. And so then he -- a bug who has never cared
for another insect -- gets Nathan Lane,
played by Nathan Lane, to gather his Broadway friends
and do one show for his friend before she passes away. And then, after she dies,
the last scene, he goes to a Mets game
by himself and for the first time
in his life, he cries. Not because
his friend is dead, but because the Mets blow
a four-run lead in the ninth. [ Laughter ] And the final song
is a torch song called "Where Have You Gone,
John Franco?" [ Laughter ] And when you mention
Christine Baranski and John Franco
in the same bit, that is a calculus that I like
to define as "one for me, one for the crew." [ Laughter ] In that song, "Where Have
You Gone, John Franco" -- 'Cause critics have seen it. We're doing -- We've already
done an out-of-town run. And a lot of the critics
complain that there's this whole play
about the friendship between these two bugs
and then the whole ending is about, like, complaining
about the Mets. And there's a lyric
that I'm very proud of that that I feel like if anybody -- if, like, Lin-Manuel Miranda
rhymed "Jesse Orosco" with
"arm from Costco"... [ Laughter ] Like, where do I send the Tony?
But, like, they were like... And I'll just say to all these
out-of-town critics -- If you know so much
about Broadway, why do you live in New Haven? That is not the best song. "Where Have You Gone, John
Franco" is not the best song. The best... There's the cockroach...
[ Chuckling ] The cockroach has a song where he complains
about the smoking ban, called "My Titanic
Hit a Bloomberg." [ Laughter ] And then the title song, "Cicada, Cicada" --
everybody's very surprised because it's actually
not about bugs at all. It is sung by Cuban-American Jon Secada, and it's about how people
sometimes say his name wrong. [ Laughter ] You might --
I mean, because again, this is the same group of people
every week at our show. Like, there's no new people
come here. You might hear a new laugh.
This is very exciting for me. One of my oldest friends,
Pete Grosz, is here. He came tonight,
and it's so... Pete is an award-winning writer. He's one of our greatest
living improvisers. But you may know him... If you saw him, you may know
him because for years, he... was the Hamburglar. [ Laughter ] "Robble robble," my friend. This is a correction for
somebody who wrote something. This was now months ago and I almost --
I almost wanted to let it go, but I kind of can't
get it out of my head, so I did want to mention it,
which is... Someone who I don't think
cares for me. And a lot of these corrections,
I can tell that behind it is... affection. This was a person
who was referencing the fact that I am tan. And in their comment,
they had one word misspelled, and it's why I can't
get it out of my head. They put an "A" in a word where there's not supposed
to be an "A." So, I'm gonna tell you
what they wrote, and see if you can pick out
the misspelling where there was "A" where
there shouldn't be an "A." What they wrote was,
"Hey, bro, what's with the tan? You have the" -- It hasn't happened yet. The word hasn't happened yet. "Hey, bro,
what's with the tan? You have the same taint
as Donald Trump." [ Laughter ] I think he meant "tint." [ Laughter ] I mean, don't beat yourself up,
but it massively changes. I don't even feel like I should
explain what a taint is. It's like the part --
It's like here. It's like... It, like... It -- It taint the chin,
but it, like, taint the neck. It's like... It's like there. The last thing I want to do
is fight with you guys about which
my impressions are good. Okay, like, it's not... Because I'm not mad at you about the fact
that you don't have an ear for
what people sound like. But I have come
to the conclusion that I do not have
a good Christoph Waltz. And I only did it
in the first place because some of you said
my Werner Herzog sounded like Christoph Waltz,
and again, you were wrong, 'cause
it's unimpeachably good. And I feel really bad
because I love Christoph Waltz. And I was thinking about like
when he -- and I know for, like, foreign audiences,
they may have seen him before. But when he showed up
in "Inglourious Basterds," first time
most Americans saw him, it was like the most
memorable arrival of a thespian in film
in the last fif-- The only thing that I would say rivals it is when I appear in 2008's "Journey
to the Center of the Earth." [ Laughter ] Which was a film I was in, a 3D film with Brendan Fraser and Josh Hutcherson. And this is a true story. I did not have a big part
in this film, as evidenced by the fact
that both of my scenes took place on the surface
of the Earth. [ Laughter ] I was in the first --
one of the first scenes. And I'm just going
to paraphrase my scene, but I was a scientist who said
something along the lines to Brendan Frazier of, "You're never going to
the center of the Earth!" And then I had a scene at the
very end of the movie, where -- and again, I'm paraphrasing. This wasn't the exact line, but something
along the lines of, "Wha?!" But this is a true story. They made trading cards. for "Journey to the Center
of the Earth 3D," and I was on
one of the trading cards. This was a 3D action film. I was in an office both scenes. My trading card is just me
mid-talking. It's like this. But it's 3D, so it's
a little bit closer. It's like here. And one time I left SNL and someone asked me
to sign this card that I had personally
never seen. So I autographed it.
And that was the end of it. And then I found out
that they had put it on eBay. And the only reason
I found out about it is... Shoemaker bought it. [ Laughter ] And I know that
because one time, you know, I go to his office
and I'm knocking on his door and I can hear him in there. I'm just, like, knocking,
knocking -- nothing. Finally, because I --
we work togeth-- there's some times where I need
to talk to him about something. So, knocking, hear him. Finally, I open the door
and he goes, "Ohhhh! Somebody's gotta learn
to knock!" And I said,
"I've been knocking." He's like, "Ohhh,
maybe I had my headphones in." Here they are! I was like, "What?" [ Laughter ] [ Laughing ] Like, we're... And there are some times
where you're just like, eh, just forget it,
just let it go. It was like, you know,
it just always... And then I look and I see -- and again,
I only signed one of them. I see this autographed
card of mine. And I go, "Where did you
get that?" He goes, "Whoa,
is this an interrogation?!" I'm like, "Why is everything
like this?" I'm genuinely curious
why you would have, like, an autographed
trading card for one of the few movies
I was ever in. And he's just like...
[ Grumbling ] [ Laughter ] And he goes "Maybe, uh..." "Maybe I'm proud of you." [ Laughter ] And again, like... I've known him for like 20 years
and I've never -- I've never expected anything
like that from him. He's just so relentlessly mean. Pete, on the other hand -- you know, we're coming up
on 30 years, Buddy. We have... burgled a lot of hams. You, the kind of friend
that I would expect that from. But not Shoemaker. And he goes,
"Maybe I'm proud of you." And I go,
"What? Really? Why?" He goes,"You know, it might not
have been the best movie, but you were in it. On the big screen. In 3D." "So it was worth every penny
I paid for it to have it on my wall." And I was like, "Wow." And then I said, "What did you
have to pay for it?" He goes, "They paid me money
to take it!" [ Laughter ] He goes, "Now maybe you wanna
put in some headphones!" [ Laughter ] I think, uh... I think
that's about everything. Oh! Uh, [bleep] piss [bleep] fart. [ Laughter ] See what got through. See you next week.
A whole 19 minutes?! I can’t believe this long is spent on just correcting mistakes. And Christoph Waltz impressions. And Mikey the Shoe stories. And those jackals and their jackal paws. Well, now I guess we know why it’s 19 minutes, huh.