Go Delicious (219) | Congratulations Podcast with Chris D'Elia

hey guys and welcome to another episode of congratulations [Music] that's it that's it that's it pack it up strong guys pack it the [ __ ] up strong guys dude i want to start i should start somber man the strong guys had their days they had their day the new merch is out sport it we [ __ ] with body weight we [ __ ] with kettlebells we do all sorts of jumps it's crazy these strong guys are out there breaking look i don't i'm not in the business of breaking hearts but strong guys i had to do what i had to do and i'm so sorry strong guys i'm sorry to break your heart strong guys but your boys fancy with the kettlebells okay new merch it's up there you go sorry strong guys killing it and we killed it we didn't mean to kill it but it just happened it just so happens we killed it trying to not use uh plastic bottles so go to crystallia.com and go ahead and break all the strong guys hearts when you're out in public when you're at the gym you get to your gym you got this [ __ ] nice hoodie look at that mustard look at that mustard orange yellow who could forget those beautiful colors if you see these colors once you've seen them a million times after that in your head they are seared into your head they are absolutely that orange it's a it's basically a new color i mean i thought we saw all the colors right red and blue they make purple and uh blue and green they make green or some [ __ ] whatever all of them together mick brown there's like a bunch of different colors i've never seen this orange it's burnt and we got the black dude i'm so sorry to break your heart strong guys it's not my problem go mend your hearts i work out i go delicious on it dude i go delicious at the gym but it's at home i'm sorry strong guys you know what i mean you're doing it at the [ __ ] place with all the memberships dude strong guys i'm in my garage getting delicious with it i'm sorry to break your heart dude you figured that out two years will be better um yeah dude so it's it man that's it and we're doing it and we're [ __ ] moving up we [ __ ] uh sold out sold out sold out so doubt duck in one time we sold out the [ __ ] uh shits and it's back and we got the life rip [ __ ] back anyway enough of the merch stuff let's get it out the way you know what i mean i had to uh had to do that and it's all good it's all good my baby dude we're chilling man hello it's november and um yes dude yes yes it's november it is november 4th my christmas tree is up and i [ __ ] and it shouldn't be dude it shouldn't be yes my christmas tree's up do i like it no is it okay sure does it make calvin happy yes because of sparkly lights does it make kristin happy yes because it's her favorite time of the year and it gets longer every year pretty soon christmas is just going to be 10 months and there's going to be two months of non-christmas and does it keep moving up yes is it like this podcast and does it keep moving up yes it does dude it does and it's too much christmas going on now for the whole year after uh halloween after you hear oh for the last time in the year kristen goes like this and that's when the christmas lights turn on i say what about thanksgiving and she says what's thanksgiving that's the kind of humor she does i appreciate it it's funny but i'm simmering but i'm simmering because guess what i love christmas and matter of fact christmas is my favorite part of the year it's my favorite day of the year christmas eve and christmas are great but when you prolong it what's that dude that deludes christmas doesn't it but i guess not man them hallmark movies are playing she's got that [ __ ] those deep cuts too man she's got deep cuts i mean her cuts go so deep dude she's playing that [ __ ] uh rudolph the red-nosed one where the people are all choppy and claymation you know what i'm talking about calvin looks at santa now already and he goes and i'm like all right well that's real cute but don't tug on my heartstrings dude when i'm trying to be simmering i'm simmering you're trying to tug my heart strings who's side john calvin and um so yeah so she put it up and she did it too soon and it's all good man what do you got to do what do you what do i what am i gonna do no she drags that tree in no she asked for help she wanted to put [ __ ] uh um what do you call them gnomes or elves flying up on the ceiling and i'm just like that's where i'm gonna draw the line but guess what the gnomes will [ __ ] be up soon i guarantee it do it and i guarantee it the gnomes will be up soon and that's when the [ __ ] men's warehouse guy comes in and says i guarantee it um because that's what's going to happen for sure i say don't put the gnomes up there they're scary calvin thinks they're scary he goes like this whatever he sees the gnomes or elves whatever they are uh i think they're elves what is a gnome what is an elf i don't know is it bad to [ __ ] mix up gnomes with elves anyway um it's all good dude so we're ready for christmas already and we put up a video we're get we're gonna sh we shot a little video for the christmas [ __ ] it's gonna be on more crystallia check out that youtube page more crystalia um and we're gonna put them out we put it out my new show with chris comes out every episode uh every every episode is monday on uh on on youtube anyway um so yeah christmas is nice but let's not talk about it because i don't want to [ __ ] have to put that on you do you understand what what a good of a guy i am so [ __ ] persian said that so persian what a good of a guy i am dude do you understand how good of a guy i am that i am living through this too early christmas and i'm gonna stop this from getting out of hand on the podcast i'm not gonna talk to you about the christmas even though i've been talking about for five minutes i'm gonna stop right now because i don't wanna subject you guys to that and that's how much that's how much i respect the people that listen to this podcast okay now you know your book keeps it super disrespectful right but i keep it super disrespectful and that's what makes it respectful right because i'm being me and you get a little slice of me right okay and that's fine and that's great but i would never stoop solo as to subjected to christmas too early now here what we're gonna do because we're gonna have a christmas episode later we'll do that but that's fine but um but yeah so um so instead of that let's talk about this i was out today and um i was getting uh no as a matter of fact i was waiting in line to get a a piece of food i was trying to get it something to eat it was a i don't know probably something like a protein bowl because of how [ __ ] ridiculously [ __ ] stacked i am and uh yeah dude i eat bread sometimes but usually just late at night and then the day i keep it really [ __ ] lean i'm practically a trout and so i [ __ ] so i i was waiting in line for the [ __ ] um for the protein bowl or something like that i don't know maybe they were just handing me a [ __ ] whole salmon i can't even remember but i keep it so lean dude and so uh i can't remember what he was giving me maybe just a [ __ ] head of lettuce i can't remember but dude i was keeping it so lean it was ridiculous and i was waiting in line for it and this guy comes up to me and i [ __ ] park my car on a hill okay now what do you do i don't i don't want to know what's legal or what the rules are in that situation i wanted i want to know how i feel about it right i had the car facing up the hill all right now when the car is facing up the hill i gotta go off of feeling right i have to go off of feeling for which way i turn the wheel all right i have to do that now let me tell you why i have to do that all right because either way either way i turn the car wheel either way it's gonna be fine as long as i turn it okay now if it's straight and there's no car behind me whoopsie daisy there's a roller coaster and a [ __ ] really nice car it's just gonna just cause it's gonna be rolling down the [ __ ] street and people are gonna have to dive out the way like paper boi right and that's just facts where's the cap okay so as long as you turn the wheel a certain way right say this is the sidewalk and this is the car okay now this was my car facing up if i turn the wheel this way all right what's it do let's just say the brakes give out whoopsie-daisy the back hits it right the backs hit the curve the back hits the ground now you don't want the back to hit the curt but whoopsie daisy if it happens right and also whoopsie daisy if there's a car behind it maybe whoopsie daisy hits the car but everyone's fine though right the cars get all dented up and smashed but it's just a fender bender and nobody dies okay now let's say you turn the wheels this way right now whoopsie that's nice whoopsie daisy nobody gets hurt right whoopsie daisy it's just the tires that hit it but you got to be really close you got to be really [ __ ] close and let's let's let's all when you park like this dude and you're just perpendicular you know you're you know you don't know if you're close enough especially if you've got a nice car anybody's got a nice car so if i do it like this and i know maybe i'm not close enough then guess what could possibly happen whoopsie daisy and we've got a whole street massacre okay everyone's got to get hit and i'll lump the [ __ ] up and die and i might hit two cars on the way this one and then that one all right but the law says and i know this you got to do it like this okay the law says you got to do it like this so whoopsie daisy it's just the tire that's touching the side of the curb crisis averted but i'm thinking more of the what if i didn't park close enough because i'm second guessing myself and that's a good thing right you got to be confident in your life but when it comes to other people that you could kill you got to second guess yourself right otherwise if you don't and they die you go oh i was living my life and because of the way i lived a bunch of people got ran over all right now just follow me that's the law but what your boy does is he decides to go at like do it like this all right so when the car goes boom it hits the curb fine might hit the back the car behind me all good i am willing to get a ticket for that that thing right there all right because i will pay if i hit the guy's back the front of that car and my car i'll go through insurance or whatever the [ __ ] you know but i think the law should be this way right but it's not it's this way i always park it this way come get me okay i'm admitting right now in stereo live in that ass i go this way come get me all right so i do that i get out of my car i walk over to get in line i'm probably getting like a full [ __ ] i don't even know i'm probably just getting literally like stripped boars meat and i can't remember but you know i keep it lean right so i'm getting something super lean and this guy comes up to me and he says hey man you parked the wrong way i'm samaran right but i'm cool right i breathe i breathe instead of simmer but i'm still simmering but i'm breathing too right and i look at him and i say what and the what even though that's what i said i said the word what the context of it and he felt it was why would you say that to me right he felt the you can kind of bend the word to what you want it's like when eminem rhymes door hinge with orange you know what i mean doran's to orange you got an orange orange right that's what i do when i'm talking to strangers that are out of pocket stranger wants to come up jumping out of a pocket to me i could bend my word to me and whatever the [ __ ] it wants i could say i love you but in real life you hear get the [ __ ] out of here because i've got acting in me corner you understand all right so i know how to bend my sentences to the feeling of the word dude okay do i swear to god if krista was in this room listening right now she would be nodding her head back and forth so much that it would turn around like the exorcist so i say to him what and he says you have to make it go to where it's you know pointing the other way so when it comes down the the tire just catches the curb and i don't say anything because i like for guys to sometimes sit in what they just said so i just stare at them and i say after a few beats uh oh like that like that like uh oh like a crunch with my eyes and he goes like this ah you know i you probably don't care ab and walks away dude [ __ ] yeah man that's a ko [Music] that's it [ __ ] you do it dude that's a k the [ __ ] oh man that's a ko dude your boy kills it with them conversational kos dude come at me which way am i supposed to park i'll scrunch up my eyes and say why and you'll leave all dark [ __ ] yeah man oh i love [ __ ] like that man ah you probably don't care you know what the best part was i saw him swallow himself he goes like this ah and when he goes it was the thing where it was like he so he says the thing he says is oh uh you probably don't care and it was right here when he did freeze right there he was like there i was i realized i was that guy and then it unfrozen dude he realized he was that guy swallowed himself and [ __ ] yeah dude technical freaking knockout by your boy johnny keeps it lean dude we have [ __ ] two we have two now dude this [ __ ] keeps firing on all syllables wasn't sure if i was gonna get in the thick of it started the podcast i am extremely in the thick of it dude you guys are here you guys are listening and i want you to know i [ __ ] love you dude i love you with my balls and that's stronger than your heart [ __ ] yeah dude i love conversational technical knockouts but it's all good let's let's cool it down let's relax dude you know i'm sweating my [ __ ] ass off dude one time my friend in uh when i was in kaaba to college for like nine months until i decided that until i realized that nobody needs to go to college unless you want to be a doctor alert dude if you're a if you're not going to be a doctor or a lawyer what do you do in going to college somebody's like i have a marketing degree and i go like this [Laughter] oh yeah dude you don't need one and they're like well yeah you do to get a good job as a marketer okay well fine you can get a good job in marketing or you can build it from the ground up there's social media now so i'm still laughing i'm still laughing marketing guys i'm still laughing professors p diddy didn't go to college i think adam sandler dropped out maybe who knows but it's like you can do whatever the [ __ ] you want yeah if you want to be a lawyer or a doctor or whatever the [ __ ] nurse fine but i was in college for about nine months until i realized i had acting in my corner and i dropped out and started doing stand-up and uh that was when uh and when i was in college dude my friend tom he goes like this you ever get swamp ass and i was like knew what it was immediately dude it's the most [ __ ] queen's [ __ ] you could possibly say as a white man no doubt you ever get swamp ass though eh sir cleans new york dude i ever get swamp ass though hey delir you ever get swamp ass knew what he meant immediately dude that's the best when you can make up words and know what people mean and no and they people know what you mean immediately because you ever made you ever get swamp s and i know it's like it is so human and as a matter of fact when he said that i thought about i thought my mind went to my ass and it was swamp he was just right you know what i mean you ever get swamp ass yup god i used to get so much [ __ ] swamp ass and when it's humid out forget it dude for real i got it's so [ __ ] humid i swear to god it's so humid theo vaughn lives down there it's so [ __ ] ridiculously humid and and and and it's and it's unbelievable the the the like in the it's f you know that's the other thing too just from louisiana like when you're in louisiana and it's [ __ ] hot as [ __ ] and it's august and it's just so at least like you're outside and you feel like you're outside but when you're in new york and it's humid and there's buildings and [ __ ] and you're smelling like the side of the walls because the humidity is just [ __ ] like a gust of stale humid air will just like waft off of some some outside stucco painted [ __ ] pizzeria and just tickle under your nose and you're just like oh what is that smell and you know it's trash from like three blocks away and you're on [ __ ] avenues you're not even on streets so that's a long way away your boy's cultural he gets it i should write a book but i won't you know um yeah man swamp ass [ __ ] arm uh uh you know swamp pit the [ __ ] pits and [ __ ] dude forget it man it gets too hot man but we're not it's the cold days now i hate the i don't like the the the cold days are the worst though the [ __ ] hot days i'll take humid and hot over cold any day dude my girl's always like put on if you i'm i'm [ __ ] hot put on a blanket nah dude nah i want to be so [ __ ] blazing hot above the [ __ ] i've talked about this above the bed above the covers i don't go with the that's bit [ __ ] i don't put the covers over me to do my own temperature i figure out the temperature and i lay the [ __ ] down over the bed because that's how a real [ __ ] g sleeps dude sleep oh yeah oh the middle of the night oh oh oh you can tell me a story [Laughter] bro get the [ __ ] sheets out of here sleeping on the bed like a goddamn mummy that's how i do it anyway um ah whatever dude [Music] hey guys i want to talk to you about a little thing called ship station um it's great okay the holidays are the most wonderful time of the year we can all agree on that but if you're running an online store they can also be the craziest time of year and the most stressful time of year you've got inventory to manage orders to fill and a growing list of stressed out customers checking in twice a day wondering whether those last minute gifts are going to arrive in time well listen with shipstation the hassle of shipping out holiday orders completely melts away leaving you with happier customers and more freedom to run your business or even better enjoy your much needed time off my merch store absolutely crushes it using using ship station um it uh you know you can go ahead and ask the fans they get their stuff fast uh even this one right here the the sorry strong guys one we got the orders and put it out immediately the next day um they're great um if you sell anything online uh i don't need to tell you that shipping can be super frustrating you get it there are so many carriers and a ton of factors that go into figuring out the best rate for each order uh more people are shopping online every single year year by year and shipstation makes shipping the easy part of running your online store oh by the way 98 of companies that use shipstation for a year keep using it for as long as they're in business so it's that good you do the math make this holiday season a little bright make this holiday season a little brighter with shipstation use my offer code congrats to get a 60 day free trial that's just enough time to handle this holiday rush go to shipstation.com click on the microphone at the top and enter code congrats ship station make ship happen [Music] meta they changed finally facebook changed with that [ __ ] ass facebook facebook isn't the name for a company meta nah that's a name for a company dude that's such a good name people are always hating on everything facebook's doing fine hate on the [ __ ] misinformation that they did the propaganda the [ __ ] okay fine but you know what you did right facebook renamed your [ __ ] to a good thing meta is cool you know why because you started the metaverse dude you started that as a company and now it's gonna be a thing that's [ __ ] amazing your boy sees the commodity in that and now guess what i'm not on facebook i mean i have a fan page on there but right now your boy's gonna have to start to get [ __ ] facebook again because meta that's the [ __ ] also a meta world peace somewhere punching the air for real just like god damn it this [ __ ] worked for 10 years what's his name steve not [ __ ] what's his name mark zuckerberg just like yeah in the corner unplugging itself meta world peace joke is on you ya ya ya ya about the fact that the facebook or meta headquarters are one hacker way supposing yourself hacker one hacker [Laughter] oh man did they mean to do that they had to dude [ __ ] them but that's all good dude your metadata they got the infinite loop the infinity loop or how the [ __ ] it is that's what's up meta dude taking over the world salute take it over guarantee i would be so [ __ ] evil if i went to go dude if i created some [ __ ] like fake but let me tell you something man mark zuckerberg has no personality we all know that and it's cuz he plugs himself in at night he's a goddamn robot and that's fine but he you know he's either a robot that looks like a human or a human that looks like a robot either way he's taking over the world bro thank your lucky stars it's not me and that's in that situation oh bro forget that man i'd wear capes i'd fire guns everywhere i'd be in an arby's firing guns up and then they'd arrest me but i'd be like what can you do i have all the money um yeah dude amazing that they did they just changed your name and people are just up in arms so mad at all the [ __ ] they're gonna come out and they're gonna survive talk about survivors dude that song by destiny child is literally about [ __ ] meta amma um yeah yeah that's how mark zuckerberg laughs for real meets meets i love meat i love meats joke is on you meta um i don't know i don't even know does mark zuckerberg he's so smart though he has to be so smart right so it's like but i almost want to be like give him the benefit of the doubt and be like does he really know what the [ __ ] he's doing or is he truly an evil genius like because that's the other thing i don't believe in in an evil i don't believe in that when people say like oh he's a monster he's this he's that people like you don't get it dude this person grew up a different way than you okay you don't understand like dude the people the way people lived in the in the 1600s they were lopping each other's heads off for like believing in witches if anyone did that now they'd immediately get incarcerated right there would even be a trial they'd be like lock him up he locked off somebody for believing something right but that you don't know how you would be back in 1620 because you didn't grow up in 1620 and that goes for people who are from you know los angeles and then there's people from st louis and then there's people from vancouver there's people from india dude there's people from uh botswana there's people from iran you don't know what the [ __ ] these people's lives were like so you're like oh yeah they're barbarians they're monsters they're you don't know you don't know how you would fare i i'll tell you what if i grew up anywhere where there's like no running water that's it for me that's it for me immediate warlord war criminal warlord warlord i don't even know if there are warlords anymore i am the warlord dude if dysentery what's the dysentery that's the thing you get when you drink the water and the worms are in it and you got a [ __ ] everywhere diarrhea disenter whatever the [ __ ] dude if that's anywhere near me immediate warlord you understand how good you got it these [ __ ] are living in america but but uh what's it called uh you don't know but america has the [ __ ] projects america's got [ __ ] where there's no running water and i'm not saying that that's what happened to what's his name [ __ ] mark zuckerberg but my point is you don't that's the extreme version you don't know how somebody grew up you don't know if somebody grew up and were whipped every day by their parents you don't know and people don't tell you they don't meet you and say hi hello i was whipped every day by my parents and you say oh well that's why you're a [ __ ] [ __ ] and you stole my parking space you don't do that right you literally just sit and you think well that person's a [ __ ] [ __ ] because of the way that they are and the way that it's not about what happened to them that's that's one of the things it's like when you when something happens to you and it's unjust or shitty you think hey [ __ ] that thing that happened to me but if you see someone else act a certain way that you might even act you don't think hey i wonder what happened to that guy you think that person's a [ __ ] [ __ ] and that is incongruous think about that for everyone dude i got some empathy going on man what can i say i'm an empath what can i say man if i grew up a place with dysentery is that what it's called i [ __ ] i'm a warlord immediate by nine years old la plus hud off that's me and a diaper with just a shirt on they probably don't even make shirts wherever i am just a diaper they probably don't have diapers i just got someone else's hat that i locked their head off stole their hat and i piss and [ __ ] in their hat and i tape it around my [ __ ] my baby bum lap his head off i'm angry as [ __ ] by nine you understand cause you don't know me if dysentery's around and i'm brought up are you following me at all does this make any sense producers aren't even saying anything welcome all in my shoes that's where that comes from nobody gives a [ __ ] about that nowadays they just want to [ __ ] they want to castrate chris pratt for what he [ __ ] said about his beautiful wife on instagram right did you see about this [ __ ] chris pratt pratt uh well let me just go chris with pratt here we go let me google it here's the news i'll just go to news chris pratt's a good guy okay chris price slammed online for posts about catherine schwarzenegger lost respect for you this is what he writes shared a photo of himself and his wife wrapping their arms around one another schwarzenegger 31 gays lovingly this is from [ __ ] some website fox i think news well i don't know uh guys this is what he says guys for real look how she's looking at me hey i don't want to buy wine click off this [ __ ] banner guys for real look how she's looking at me i mean find you somebody that looks at you like that you know he captioned the photo we met in church she's given me an amazing life a gorgeous healthy daughter to chew so loudly that sometimes i put my earbuds to drown it out but that's love that's what he said pratt then joked about while his wife helps him with everything he returns the favor periodically by opening a jar of pickles that's the trade he added her heart is pure and it belongs to me my greatest treasure right next to my ken griffey jr upper deck rookie card which if you know is you know it's saying a lot uh he continued it's her birthday in about six weeks so if i don't get anything i'll tell her to look back on this post love you honey cool obviously joking obviously [ __ ] joking somebody says you do know you have a son right said a follower in reference to prat's nine-year-old son jack whom he shares his with ex-wife anna faris should he also be a greatest treasure and someone else says for me if the was the emphasis it was an emphasis oh for me it was the emphasis emphasis emphasis on healthy child like your firstborn is lesser in your eyes suggested a comment commenter you need to go read that sentence through his eyes and apologize to him because your wording was cruel dude someone else says wait you might not get or anything another ass while the third posed if you don't get or anything met in church but you left your first wife for her so i wouldn't call you mr holy you open a jar of pickles her heart belongs to you someone says what the hell happened to you man this is great i really don't think this is as great of a post as you think it is warned another yeah lost respect for you in this post for multiple reasons sad hey guys you're [ __ ] losers look pratt whose reps did not immediately respond to fox's news request yeah no [ __ ] stop wasting [ __ ] time it's so ridiculous how hilarious and [ __ ] god anybody who comments on anything i comment on [ __ ] all the time but you're just like it's like i gotta stop how is this something dude and this is fox news mainstream media dude huh any media really honestly not even just mainstream media anybody who's like i'll figure it out you don't know oh [ __ ] i'm gonna go slip into something a little more comfortable i'm hot i'll be right back [Music] and we're back there that's much better i had to put on the [ __ ] something that's a little bit more comfortable with loving it look at that beautiful the lettering pops um yeah so dude papa john's i don't know if he's trying to stay in the news or what but he said dude this is so unbelievable okay papa john's said that he has eaten 800 pizzas in 18 months 800 pizzas in 18 months okay that's [ __ ] so many pizzas that's way more than i've had over 40 pizzas in the last 30 days living currently in march dude that's so many pizzas no i have that many pieces he said he wanted to make sure that the quality of the pizzas still held up since he was fired for saying the n-word the whole thing is so 2001 it's unbelievable first of all dude you're going against the art your own argument but the fact i want to see if the quality is still up to par hey dude if you ate 800 pizza in 18 months the quality is fine because you're alive okay you're an alive person still the quality's fine dude that's 44 pizzas what is it 44 pizzas a month 44 pizzas a month i think it's far i think i did the math it's 44 pizzas a month it's 6 400 slices of pizza dude 44 pizzas a month that's one and a half pizzas a day dude if i eat three pizzas period in any amount of time in [ __ ] three weeks i feel like i'm going to die and papa johnson was 60 800 pizzas in eight also you didn't i want to know how much he's lying that that's what i want to know i i want to know him he he might have eaten zero pizzas because i'll cry if you're saying you you've eaten 800 pizzas in eight uh in 18 months you you're of course lying so why wouldn't you lie all the way he's gangster though as a kid i realized that if you lie and you pick the craziest lie people will believe it because why the [ __ ] would you lie that crazy but this still f this this is beyond that like i remember one time this uh my buddy called to ask if i wanted to hang out i didn't like the guy and i was like in eighth grade and i was like i don't know how to respond so i was like sorry man i gotta go to the opera i was in eighth grade he was like chris you want to hang out i was like okay i can't get out of it man my mom and dad are taking me to the opera never went to the opera that's what came out though and what's he going to do what was he going to know you if i said oh i can't because i'm grounded he'd find out the opera he'll just leave it alone he'll leave it alone david lim would leave it alone that was his name i think it was david chen actually can't remember racist um yeah dude anyway didn't eat 800 why is this and then it's news dude oh and this is the next [ __ ] thing below it disgraced piece of mogul papa john this i i don't like when they call people disgraced i don't like when they call people disgraced because that's up to the person that is completely up to the person to me you can't call me disgraced because i i'm cool i'm chilling dude you know papa john's is like chilling with [ __ ] crazy statues in his house he's not descri that's up to him this [ __ ] guy's still making news disgrace to what he's eating [ __ ] 800 pizzas in 18 months dude you think that sounds like a disgrace guy no way that's king [ __ ] dude that is king [ __ ] just only eating pizzas with toppings by the way dude with toppings that's like doubling it up i mean if you eat a meat lover's pizza half of the time of those eight i just 400 meals even if you eat ten meat lovers pizza that [ __ ] stacks up this guy's gonna blow the [ __ ] up he's gonna look like a dick tracy character soon this great pizza mogul papa john thinks uh thinks the sculpture in his mansion of two eagles humping is badass of course it does there's i have never read a surprising headline about papa john's any guy that would have two gold eagles sculpted humping in your house of course would use the term to describe it badass also every other [ __ ] thing i see this guy god this guy looks like the [ __ ] god this guy looks like the guy that would that would like like that i'd know in high school that dated like the [ __ ] trashy girl 40 pizzas and 800 pizzas 18 months also why are you counting how many pizzas you're eating after 12 don't you lose track also if you're eating 800 pizzas to try and confirm the quality of papa john's why don't you know after three pizzas oh oh what [Laughter] what number did you get to 800 was the one where he's like you know what i got it i figured it out dude it's not it's actually it's not up to par 800 later dude stop after a few bites of one slice dave portnoy's got that one bite test he just goes in comes out yeah i got a pizza yeah [ __ ] it um yeah it's all right that's it that's the whole show papa john's is trying to do a [ __ ] document series about this goddamn [ __ ] 800 pizzas in 18 months papa john schnatter isn't that his last name schnatter wow papa john and [ __ ] aaron rodgers together i'm telling you right now could launch the biggest crypto [ __ ] it's unbelievable they they could literally launch the biggest crypto [ __ ] it would be like a [ __ ] um a gif like a [ __ ] thing that didn't even turn that much like a pizza that was just holographic and [ __ ] and it would be getting injected with a [ __ ] coronavirus [ __ ] that [ __ ] i'm telling you right now if they did that they'd be [ __ ] minted they already are minted but they'd be [ __ ] minted dude this guy's obsessed with the quality of the got fire dude he's an evil villain papa john schneider's an evil villain he was fired at like what 50 years old and is obsessed with papa john's still dude if you fire me i'm gone i'm gone i'll never do i'll never be around the thing again i got kind of cut out of that movie i didn't watch it i'm gone dude see ya i'm not sitting watching it night after night could have been me eating [ __ ] 40 pizzas in 30 days you cut your boy out i'm gone i'm not a part of it dude he's an evil villain i'll show these [ __ ] i'll keep eating their pizzas and i'll eat so many pizzas that i will eventually either be taking them down or ruling their company once again and every time i see papa john's in a [ __ ] news article he's always wearing a [ __ ] red button down hey papa john stop wearing that huh even if it's not the outfit don't reminisce with this guy's lost his mind dude this guy's gonna take he could launch the biggest crypto with aaron rodgers dude what are you doing i need to do it i need to get on that nft game dude i need to get on nft dude just sell my [ __ ] [ __ ] and balls holograph holographic [ __ ] and balls moving back and through the nfts are so stupid and if these are so [ __ ] stupid and every dj in the game is like all right check it out got an nft now you could in you could buy five seconds of me music and own it how much is it 4 million point five that [ __ ] beeble crap guy who's the only guy who did it right you know and then everyone else is trying to [ __ ] duplicate what beeblecrap did beetlecrap [Laughter] dude beeplecrap is the killingest artist dude i love beeplecrap that's his name right dude peoplecrap the name alone i wish i named my son beeplecrap dude beeplecrap dalia wow that would be the dude jim here nancy here jill here beeplecrap just in the back just now grew up so [ __ ] up because his name is beeplecrap wow dude i love that like i'll be playing [ __ ] on twitch and some guy just named like [ __ ] harry jen will like comment on something speaking of twitch i was playing [ __ ] red dead redemption 2 the other day and i was [ __ ] murdering horses and um i was i actually i wasn't murdering horses i learned my lesson i got my honor up dude my honor went crazy good and i started dreaming of deer and um the character in the game starts dreaming of deer if you do good deeds and if you don't do good deeds he dreams of wolves i started dreaming of wolves and i was like whoa those are scary dreams and somebody in the chat was like yeah well you dream of deer if you get your honor up and from then on dude i started saying howdy to everybody i walked by and got my honor up real nice i did side missions i returned babies to ladies and i did all sorts of good stuff so i brought my honor up i brought it way up dude and uh i brought it up so much that the game changed you know it was actually weird i was playing this game red dead redemption i've never played this game before and i've read no spoilers but i was playing the game and you're this character named arthur morgan and he sounds like this you know he's a real rough hardcore [ __ ] country gunslinger right um and you can be any kind of guy that you want in this game it's an open world video game you can go and you can literally stab everybody murder horses kill rabbits and not even pick up their pelt for [ __ ] to sell right you can just go on a murdering spree but it brings your honor way down and that's what i did in the beginning of the game because i thought it was fun i lived i lived for arthur morgan i was self-centered the beginning of that red dead redemption game i was doing that and then i realized halfway through i started dreaming of wolves like i mentioned i started dreaming of wolves and somebody in the chat said you know what if you get your honor up you start dreaming of deer and i was like well that's interesting i was like well why would i [ __ ] why would i get my honor up and half the people in the chat were like it's not that fun if you play with your honor up and some people are like it's actually cool because the ending is better so it's like whatever so i started feeling like you know what i want to take this game seriously i mean totally [ __ ] dork [ __ ] like it's actually more fun if you seriously take this game and actually play it for for real uh it's actually much more fun and it actually it makes you feel a lot better at the end you get the better ending so i'm playing this game it just makes me laugh people go out there and just stabbing horses for no reason i just don't see what it benefits what does it examine in the human race so um i'm playing the game and i start to change my honor i'm saying how did everybody on the streets like i mentioned i start [ __ ] doing side missions i start getting my honor up my honor get so some people are now joining on the twitch again and they're like whoa you got your honor way up what the [ __ ] going on so in the middle of the game somebody coughs on you you don't think much of it it's actually more in the beginning of the game somebody coughs on you you're going to bully him for money that he owes you and he coughs on you you don't even think of much much of it at all there comes a time in the moment in the game where you just faint and you fall down and then the doctor says hey guess what you have tuberculosis now back then tuberculosis was a death sentence in the 1800s this game takes place it was a death sentence so you're gonna die in this game now i'm like well dude i gotta win the game before i die as the game goes on arthur morgan keeps coughing more and more he's just coughing more and more he keeps coughing i'm like this [ __ ] sucks my character just keeps [ __ ] coughing it sucks and in a way it was like now i'm playing with this character and i've got the disease and i just want to fight these [ __ ] but he keeps stopping and coughing and [ __ ] and i realize because one of the guys in the chat on twitch says you know how you got tuberculosis and i said how he said cause that guy coughed on you i said is there any way to avoid it and he said nah it's part of the narrative of the game so i realized it was predestined that this character was gonna die and i've already got my honor good i went from a derelict to a good person in this game and i was gonna [ __ ] die anyway so i get upset i get upset at the game you know i'm a bit of a nihilist myself but arthur morgan it's not even me so i'm playing this game and i don't even get to be the supernaturalist i want to be in this virtual game so i look at the save point you know you could save and when you save the game it tells you how much of the game you're completed and i'm at about 60 and arthur is [ __ ] dying all right and i'm like how bad does it get because you can't cure tuberculosis what happens well all of your friends in the game red dead redemption they backstab you and you're on the run and you're running from the cops and the people who are supposed to save you and back you up they [ __ ] backstab you they sell you out and you end up getting shot at stumbling over rocks and it's not looking good for arthur morgan aka me so one of the other homies in my posse comes up and he's always been a good guy in the game and he says you doing all right and arthur morgan me says you know what i'm not gonna make it i'll hold them off while you get away and the guy says i can't do that jim mar mars marsden jim marsden i think whatever the [ __ ] i still don't really know um but he was like uh i'm not gonna let you do that and arthur says it would make me happy if you let me save you and you go right so he gives him the satchel that arthur morgan has to jim and he gives him his guns and he takes his hat off and he puts his hat on jim and arthur says leave me here and you're basically just arthur morgan now no satchel which by the way has all my [ __ ] that i've collected in the game throughout the game it has in his satchel right i gave it away to some [ __ ] [ __ ] side character and now i don't have it anymore and i got to fight off this [ __ ] these bad guys which are actually the you know the [ __ ] the cops and so he's shooting he's shooting these [ __ ] and uh there's no no way out of it you fall on a rock and you start breathing and you breathe your last breath and arthur morgan dies and i realize now there's 60 percent of the game left and there's nothing i could have done but he died and he died and he was dreaming of deer the whole time he turned it around and he redeemed himself into a good person and i got the good ending but there's still 60 percent of the game left and i realized that when arthur morgan says hey you know get out of here you now become this other character for the rest of the 35 of the game all right and it's [ __ ] emotional dude it's like emotional it's not like a video game like tecmo bowl where they're like right it's emotional like the music happens and it's a beautiful song not even just score it's somebody singing like it was a beautiful it's like you they have youtube on it or some [ __ ] and i'm just like this isn't even like the rest of the game at all this is beautiful the sun's peeking out over as arthur morgan's taking his last breath and in this moment calvin walks in and calvin goes to climb up on my chair and as he goes to climb up on my chair he falls and hits his head and just starts wailing because he hurt he hurt himself and he i said oh no buddy and i pick him up and i'm watching [ __ ] arthur morgan or somebody [ __ ] maybe i'm the new guy now and i'm riding into the sunset and the music's blaring and i'm calvin is crying and i say it's okay buddy everyone falls down but the worst part is over and now you can move on from that and with the music and calvin's crying and now i'm crying because i'm telling calvin something that's you know like personal to me and i'm living this [ __ ] to i used to be arthur morgan and now i'm this other [ __ ] dude it was so [ __ ] hilarious dude i'm sitting there crying with calvin calvin bumped his head but we were both getting through it dude and it was beautiful in a way you know it was really nice that it was really beautiful it was hilarious um i don't know it was so [ __ ] funny dude he hit his [ __ ] head and i gotta give him a pep talk while i'm crying in this goddamn video game i don't know what was the thing we were just talking about about how oh yeah thanksgiving coming up my friend never celebrates thanksgiving because he was like [ __ ] that dude i just eat pizza this is what he says he's like i eat pizza because [ __ ] all these people slaughtered the indians and that's not cool and everyone's like well yeah but you know what um it's actually thanksgiving was a time where uh they they came up onto the i know america where they discovered america and they acted like they were uh friendly with them and they broke bread with them and [ __ ] and had a meal and that's what thanksgiving is like they were saying that it's better and i was like that's worse than just [ __ ] slaughtering them and he was like no it's better to be friends with someone at least act like your friends and i was like no that's [ __ ] worse dude if someone's gonna slaughter you you just just slaughter me dude don't act like you're my friend don't [ __ ] just kill me dude don't hide how you're doing me to death that's the worst all right i want to talk about something else here this is just a beautiful thing that um a fan made rob hay from uh congratulations he's a member of the patreon and all that [ __ ] but he sent me this first of all he made me this [ __ ] bag that's like a take of the of the nike sign and it says life rips which is awesome i don't know how he even [ __ ] made it but this [ __ ] is crazy he made these congratulations jordan ones and he made these he like painted them it's got the the logo in the back of the insignia and then it says life rips on the tongue i mean he [ __ ] made these he painted these i mean he's got a pacifier on the thing like for the babies and it's unbelievable he even got the the the off-white tag on it that he put on here and it says uh life rips care of nike congratulations it's just hilarious and i reached out to them i was like how the [ __ ] one of the girls on the on the patreon was like yeah rob took a long time to make him he did it himself i don't know how the [ __ ] you make [ __ ] like this is his first try how do you do this unbelievable but these are going on i'm not wearing these there's no way these are i'm gonna either put them somewhere or have them i got to have them at least on the desk but these are amazing and i wanted to thank rob haye for that this is just awesome um and he sent them to me and i love them dude um i'll try them on once for good measure but i'm not getting those dirty um so that's it uh i enjoy talking to you guys every week um you're my church in a way and uh you know that's that but thanks very much for listening and i hope you had a good time okay bye hey guys that's the episode for this week on youtube if you want to catch the rest of the episode go on patreon.com full episodes we have full episodes with no commercials on audio or youtube on our patreon for just six bucks a month patreon.com uh crystalia and also it's uh we've got a backload of episodes that aren't even accessible to you guys uh unless you're on patreon uh about you know we got about six or seven or eight or nine episodes on there now um that you can listen to right now if you unlock it the patreon for six bucks a month uh thanks [Music] [Laughter] [Music] congratulations [Music] okay [Music] i'm sweaty

Channel: Chris D'Elia

Views: 147,813

Rating: 4.8937716 out of 5

Keywords: Chris D'Elia, podcast, comedy, delia, chris delia, chris delia congratulations, chris delia podcast, congratulations chris delia, congratulations podcast, congratulations podcast chris delia, congratulations chris, man on fire, chris delia rant, chris delia rants, chris delia reacts, the metaverse, red dead redemption 2, papa johns, chris delia metaverse, chris delia the metaverse, chris delia red dead redemption, chris delia red dead redemption 2, chris delia papa johns

Id: l2fmo6IoLfo

Length: 55min 23sec (3323 seconds)

Published: Wed Nov 10 2021