Congratulations Podcast w/ Chris D'Elia | EP88 - That Top Note

episode 88 of congratulations is brought to you by the cash app you already know the cash up is number one finance app on the App Store what you might not know is you can also put cash up in your wallet with the cash card it's got boosts it's got boosts it's got boosts it's got great safety features no credit check needed to get one we'll talk about this more later on in the show download the cash up for free on the App Store or Google Play market and blast off my babies blast my babies dude I got an email from my let's go over some before we even get started I want to talk about my tour coming up well coming up it's been going on but the follow-the-leader tour Miami is coming up so all the Miami babies we got a few tickets left you know I'm assuming it's gonna sell out it's a big venue but uh you know you might want to get your tickets now go to Chris D'Elia calm and get tickets for the follow the leader tour we've got Miami coming up so the Miami babies we need those South Florida Cuban babies to come out and wear your CUDA shirts your no CUDA shorts rather we've got a bunch of dates I just got emailed from my manager and my and my agent that a lot of these dates are selling out the New York Washington DC Montclair New Jersey Portland Snoqualmie they're all sold out one of the Vancouver ones is sold out the other show and Vancouver has about has a few tickets left West Palm Beach Florida Jacksonville Florida Atlanta Georgia there's still some tickets left on the second show Los Angeles California we just added a new show we're at The Wiltern twice now you boy you're the babies the LA babies come out man we really we really grassroots did up in here up in this LA market San Francisco Boston that's all gone adding a show tomorrow and went Medford to the bigger theater we did four we'll Wilber shows and they're all sold out that's amazing Boston has love does a cult is strong in Boston Fresno California Bakersfield California Austin Texas San Antonio Texas we've got a bunch of a bunch of these shows coming up get your tickets now because they're most likely I mean all the shows been selling out so get on there Miami babies you're up next so here we are we are in the we're in October babies are you feeling spooky are you feeling spooky I wonder how many people are gonna go as Takashi's as the that chick Jakarta Takashi six nine she's [ __ ] so weirdly sexy you know I mean um I hope she finds a [ __ ] good guy soon but she she's she's Takashi six none and is just so you know a lot of people are gonna put that six nine on their [ __ ] head and then go as to cut and go scratchy snakes nine they're gonna get some far the six nine on their head and they're gonna do the rainbow bright hair and they're gonna put some some guys are gonna put some fake titties in and they're gonna go as [ __ ] too cushy six nine and I'll tell you what dude that's gonna be that's gonna be a [ __ ] popular costume let me ask you a question hey sink ah she's six nine why the [ __ ] are you always so angry you've got you've got it you made it baby you know yeah you've got Rainbow Brite hair you do whatever the [ __ ] you want you got tats all over your body six nine is all over your body but let me ask you pretty little lady why the [ __ ] are you so angry every video I see of you on worldstar or whatever the [ __ ] you've got billions of dollars you've got a Ferrari painted like the [ __ ] like like it like the whoever made the artwork for the Yellow Submarine of the Beatles you're riding across Dubai and you're always like is your [ __ ] is stupid why are you so mad to can see why are you so mad crippled on Qi why are you so upset you made it you've got eighty million dollars you're giving money to your mom you've got a great mother-daughter relationship what the [ __ ] wrong man you got props why you so upset that's what I want to know cap lechi Sam firing I want to know why you're so upset what's the deal what is it every [ __ ] video you [ __ ] is you stupid you thought I couldn't have a number-one song who thought that I didn't even think about you why are you such an upset low girl yo you stupid you thought I couldn't have a number-one song you thought I could these [ __ ] thought I couldn't do it it's just stupid it's just stupid man I thought you thought I could have [ __ ] I got on an American Billboard I made a Spanish song it's just stupid I got number one I hit the Billboard oh speaking in Spanish on the American Billboard is who [ __ ] is stupid and then I'll do a video like it's really important for you to love your daughter don't be stupid as you stupid car plunge in 75 why you so mad that's what I want to know man be okay be happy one day you'll find a good man and you'll be so [ __ ] happy you'll make a great housewife right now thought it up on the Instagram why do you what why don't what is up these rappers and then they're like why do they get robbed dude they walk around with a Gucci bag full of [ __ ] $70,000 and they're like and then then the next thing you hear is got robbed walking around bulletproof vests on they can avoid all this [ __ ] it's hilarious walking around with a bulletproof vest on carrying $70,000 hey don't carry $70,000 you won't need to put on a bulletproof vest God the fact that hip-hop became not about the music anymore is just incredible I'm doing a podcast talking in Spanish and Craig bleh I'm trying to use your stupid I'm top ten I'm top 20 oh I hit number 14 on the comedy podcast it's just stupid I'm saying this incredibly you'll never understand when I'm born is a stupid my pussy's wet dog anyway shout out the [ __ ] completed site sign but also you know if you're gonna get it I love how people are like I knew if I have a buddy who was like I went all out and got all the tattoos all over my body because I knew what [ __ ] make me head on into music but somebody was like I don't remember who was it was like I don't remember who was I think it was that guy Kodak black and he was like no I don't think it was him it was somebody that has tattoos all over the face and they were like they were like yeah I got tattoos on my face cuz I knew that it would make me not get a real job and do music and be successful in music and then somebody replied hey just don't apply for a job imagine being that hardcore and being like well [ __ ] man I certainly don't want to [ __ ] I certainly don't want to work retail guess I gotta [ __ ] go go get across in between my eyes I don't want to I don't want to do retail guess I gotta go [ __ ] get the the saw puppet on my cheek tattooed tattooed on my cheek ah ten kanji six nines has [ __ ] the saw puppet on a tricycle on his cheek is that Takashi six Niner is that the [ __ ] guy who's that other guy skittles what's his [ __ ] name bullets some [ __ ] guy's name who's the guy stitches oh yeah it's Takashi saps nine this kid stitches dude that guy stitches is a guy who has the [ __ ] who had the [ __ ] the beef with the game and then the game [ __ ] knocked him out you know he's got two pock tattooed on his forehead and also a teddy bear oh how ironic is that man how have [ __ ] silly is that man I cool man so you're hardcore and also but you got a soft heart though I love all these rappers are like yo man they make all these songs like [ __ ] this [ __ ] that but then like they're like but yo you gotta make this song it's like yo I'm a real person I love that [ __ ] dude when rappers are like yo I made this music you know it's about getting deeper and it's about me speaking to really who I truly am and then it's like they have a song and it's like [ __ ] leave your back door open [ __ ] leave your back door open [ __ ] leave your back door open I'm about to Skeet Skeet Skeet Uranus and it's like yeah but I got a full heart Dawg you know I'm just trying to grow with my music that's what they say all the time that's what they say all the time I'm just trying to grow as artists you know trying to grow as an artist Skeet Skeet Skeet any anus Skeet Skeet Skeet any anus oh my little sodas in your heinous let's let's play any anus cream just trying to grow with the music you know I mean leave you back [ __ ] let your back door open I [ __ ] you [ __ ] your mama it's so [ __ ] you know hey holy kid um it's just incredible it's just incredible it's incredibly he's you're stupid it's incredibly he's you stupid um I don't know man I just I think that hip-hop is just [ __ ] insane hey love pump hey Kanye Kanye with this [ __ ] maggot hat dude he had his mega hot and then DJ poo put under the Instagram music ain't getting attention that was hilarious I thought that was the [ __ ] ultimate [ __ ] burn like such a hardcore burn to be like Magga and then Kanye's light and then and then DJ Pooh writes music ain't gettin attention Beach that's some [ __ ] [ __ ] your [ __ ] you fat [ __ ] dude remember DJ poo you guys probably don't man he had that one sup baron amber I am Pam brown all right anyway horrible representation of it but really good in my head so um you ever do that with your friend though you're like you're like oh no it's the it's the song that goes like [ __ ] you know and then you do this song whatever it is and they're like I don't know if I heard it and you're like nah here it is and you play it and you're like that's what I was doing here like no wasn't you [ __ ] idiot you're tone deaf but yeah Kanye West on SNL it's so crazy that he's just like talking about it oh man and then I saw a meme wait and then I saw a meme about George Bush where he had George Bush's face and then on top of said Kanye West does not care about black people like how [ __ ] Kanye I said that about George Bush dude it's so crazy that [ __ ] cono is is so it's actually kind of I think he's got a real problem and he's obviously bipolar or something the guy's got to get some help man I mean you know I guess he seems he's doing okay he's making money and he's got a good family I guess I don't know he's got a [ __ ] kid and then a good wife or whatever huh is I'm not sure is it uh it may be ah and maybe a drive-by ahead but I'm not sure I don't know he's trolling but he's been trolling man he's been trolling everything he does he's like I mean he dressed up as [ __ ] Harry a worst outfit of all time I mean dude he had the [ __ ] boxy shoulders and then dressed up as Perrier and they'll pump dressed up as Fiji head I don't know I don't know anymore man and then he gave that speech after Saturday alive and like four people clapped and there were hundreds of people in the audience he was talking about dogs from and one guy was just like but hip-hop is [ __ ] crazy god dude it's so out to lunch it's so out to lunch because of camp Watchi pics 9 and [ __ ] guys like Kodak Blanc dude Kodak black how about did you guys see the [ __ ] the basketball player what's his name who did the laughs the meme cowboy Leonard by the way I didn't know here's how much of personality matters in basketball I didn't know who he was and apparently he's a superstar player but like guys like LeBron you know and and and even other guys Steph Curry they developed a personality what's his name Kelly what car we Leonard Kauai Hawaii the [ __ ] VIP lay this Hawaii Leonard laughs I'm gonna play this laugh for you if you don't know about it but Jesus Christ it sounds like the most insecure jay-z of all time yourself and what would you like people to know about you there we go listen I'm a fun guy oh really obviously I love the game of basketball I'm a fun guy I mean there's just more question you have to ask me in order for me to tell you about myself look let me tell you something first of all before we get into the insecure laugh this guy plays basketball I respect this guy he doesn't give a [ __ ] about the [ __ ] he doesn't have necessarily an outgoing crazy [ __ ] superstar personality but whatever he doesn't need to he's all about the basketball apparently is one of the best in the game props to this [ __ ] guy props this guy also for doing this they were probably like get out there and do the thing they're like what do you want people to know about you and he says I'm a fungi i'm a fungi every note is the same if you're talking and every note is the same dude talking is musical you know what I mean when I'm talking I go up I say oh this kind of [ __ ] and I go lay down they say hey man Nana oh really all I'm doing is hypnotizing you right you learned how to say certain stuff as a comedian you think about that all the time you go to it you talk about this mana and then pahahahah everyone laughs this guy's just like I'm a fun guy of course it's not gonna work you're not going to get people on your side personality-wise now here is the rest of the this can't give you a whole spiel oh my in order for me to tell you about myself I just can't give you a whole spiel oh so robot just in order for me to tell you about myself I just can't give you a full spiel unless you ask specific questions I don't even know where you said Natalie I mean there's just more question you have to ask me in order for me to tell you about myself I just can't give you a whole spiel I don't even know where you said Natalie [Laughter] in order were you sitting there I just don't even know where you sitting at that was the best part that was a part where you realize Oh wash my hands of this do you know what I mean he was just like you know in order to tell you what I'm like you gotta get more specific I just can't give you a full spill I don't even know where you're sitting at hey hey man you're a robot listen that whole thing again how robotic it is how crazy is it to have a personality but that's what they said about Steph Curry in the beginning and that dude lit it up yourself and what would you like people to know about you first of all speaking of the mic I'm a fun guy obviously I love the game of basketball I mean there's just more question you have to ask in order for me to tell you about myself you just can't give you a whole spiel I don't even know where you sit in comments laughter I mean dude you got to see the video - you got to see his mouth do it it's weird as [ __ ] it looks like a Simpson all of a sudden he looks like what he looks like when that guy at [ __ ] at the the drunk in the Simpsons burps that when it goes and all the [ __ ] sir and secure hey man easy just say man you know what you know what it is - this guy's probably I mean he's how old is he like 24 maybe that's the thing man when I was 22 I remember being at before I did stand-up and before I became a [ __ ] thick skinned individual because of bombing for so much I got construction in the house sorry if you hear it [ __ ] whatever disrespectful but the he's 27 years old when I was 22 I remember I broke up with a girl a girl broke up with me broken my heart and then I was like you know what I am gonna go out I'm gonna go my but it's like come on come out let's go let's go hang out we'll get you you talk to some chicks you know we'll get you out [ __ ] be good and I'm like all right I don't really like going out but I go out to this part went out to this bar called nicks in Beverly Hills and it was a party that he knew everybody there and I didn't know anybody there and there was a really cute girl there and I thought you look like Britney Spears and this back when Britney Spears was like the [ __ ] hottest you know the number one [ __ ] to me the archetype of like oh my god how does she give her so so I was like she was in our conversation I was like what do I say to this girl in my head I was like what do i do how do I talk and then I would say things and every time I said something I was like how come these [ __ ] words are coming out of my mouth I don't want to sound like this but everything single time she said something she be like oh well what else did this and that and I'd be like basically it's weird I was 22 then I got a stage started bombing a lot and then didn't give a [ __ ] about anything that laughs literally sounds more like busting and not than laughing it actually does unbelievable whole spiel I don't even know where he said Natalie god damn I want to hang out with that guy make him laugh all day long so funny did you see the Cavanaugh thing that Matt Damon did the [ __ ] hardest laugh is when he came out and they were like mr. Cavanaugh and he just goes what that [ __ ] made me laugh so hard anyway back to the [ __ ] calendars laughs speaking of basketball though how about [ __ ] is it jr. Smith is that the guy's name the 75 year old in the NBA right that guy dude got this [ __ ] was the best he got a supreme tattoo dude on his calf all right and they're gonna find they're gonna find him keep that up they're gonna find him every every game it's exposed what a [ __ ] dunce hey junior Smith you can't freely advertise [ __ ] on your body when millions people are gonna watch it when you play for [ __ ] cooperate and dude this is what he said on the thing so I was informed today that I would be four by the way like he's educating us hey man we know so I was informed today that I would be fine to every game if I didn't cover up my supreme tattoo on my leg during games crying face emoji a crying face emoji a crying face emoji a crying laughing these people in the league office are something else middle finger hey man no you're in the wrong how could you be that stupid - it's one thing to be like I'm gonna get to tattoo anyway but how can you possibly get the supreme tattoo not realize you're going to be fine then think then when you're going to get fined get up indignant about it like oh these [ __ ] are something else dude you work for them there's a [ __ ] dress code for Christ's sake I mean what the [ __ ] how can someone you know what that how can someone honestly give you a whole spiel how can someone I don't even know dude how can you think that I don't even know what you see in it well dude you you're a man I'm gonna get a supreme tattoo on my on my leg oh cool hey the NBA is gonna find me what are you [ __ ] kidding me these [ __ ] are something else the whole world well hey hey his laugh sounds like he's in rewind dude jr. Smith is something else man that's hilarious hey man you got a supreme tattoo that's a company you're playing for a company you can't do that loving it dude but up up I uh dude loosey-goosey time that's all I'm down for a sylia I'm down for a [ __ ] silly goose time and that's it is that what I said I think that's what I said how about this man if you're watching the video podcast you get to see our new artwork man we just got the [ __ ] Eagle right there it does it's not really a tired eagle but it shows up it's you know the reference in reference to that we still got the kuda and we got the [ __ ] congratulations log-cabin signed by kathleen somebody I think I still got a look really shitty uns too disrespectful [ __ ] man I start work I hung it up and I [ __ ] gotta check the [ __ ] handle anyway I was in Philly dude these [ __ ] shows have been awesome I'm really happy I was in oh well let me say okay I was in where was I first follow ya buffalo great show Vermont it was okay Philly two shows sold out but a bing bada boom they were great they were awesome dude they were awesome we had a great time in Philly and everybody was [ __ ] they were great dude Philly comes I love still I wish I did more shows in Philly they both sold out early on I could have done probably more but it was a casino [ __ ] clickety clack clickety clickety Clank the money goes into my piggy bank clickety clack clickety Clank more money more money with these casinos yeah remember that song by [ __ ] dude how wide is it by the way to call 50 cent fitty cent that [ __ ] when I heard [ __ ] white people do that I would get so angry when 50 cent first came out no but it's fitty cent no it's not you're being a [ __ ] idiot clickety-click clickety-click the money goes into my piggy bank $0.50 this [ __ ] made me laugh so hard dude this song gotta get I can't eat I gotta get [ __ ] goddamn YouTube bread man all these [ __ ] ads I gotta get it I gotta get it one fire make me get it afterwards it doesn't matter I could get [ __ ] YouTube bread right now and it wouldn't make a [ __ ] dude you think I can't [ __ ] afford here it is Oh dude come on my knife touch your skin my knife cut your skin I love her rappers rap about the [ __ ] and literally it never happens funny I don't know where the [ __ ] it is anyway he does that I can't find it but clickety-click clickety-click the money goes into my piggy bank oh my god anyway I did [ __ ] two shows at this casino at the sugar house and it was awesome dude the guys were so nice she'll come out to see a follow-the-leader tour and if you do if you come out to the follow to the tour I guarantee to make you laugh realer than this well isn't it amazing what could just happen all of a sudden and then it's a huge thing like that [ __ ] Kawhi Leonard [ __ ] that's awesome dude you're just living life hanging out having a good time and all of a sudden he just blesses up with blesses us with some [ __ ] way and we get to [ __ ] laugh at 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card can offer like boosts save up to 10% instantly at Whole Foods Wendy's or Chipotle and more of your favorite spots or even $1 off coffee every time you swipe your cash card at coffee shops across the country the cash card puts you in control of your money with extra in-app safety features that let you pause your card with a touch unlike a credit card there are no fees ever and a credit check isn't required to get one download cash app now and get your cash card for free visit the App Store or Google Play market now and of course when you download the cash app and enter the referral code congrats you'll receive $5 and the cash app will send $5 - times up Legal Defense Fund a true win-win you get to feel good about yourself and it's good for you um had to turn the bladeless fan up a little bit because daddy's getting the [ __ ] a little bit of some you know beads dripping down the [ __ ] black diamond ski course so anyway uh I was the the weekend from Buffalo Vermont in Philly and this guy came up to me I was waiting for my bags first of all Mario Lopez was on my flight I know him I didn't know until we were leaving and I feel bad I hope he didn't think I was trying to [ __ ] not say hi to him I actually tried to get his I can take wave at him buddy yet on these [ __ ] aviator sunglasses I don't know where he was looking so I just looked like a [ __ ] fool waving at somebody that's like more famous than me and somebody and people probably saw like okay we're in the fame Club right no okay never mind people people just uh ya know looked at me like you're not as famous as that guy yeah yeah no I know I know I thought I know I'm it's all good we actually did a movie together but it's anyway that doesn't matter mm-hmm so so he was on flight and I was in the baggage claim waiting for my [ __ ] waiting for my [ __ ] way too many bags and this guy came out to me was like hey man we met through yada yada didn't even remember who the [ __ ] person was that we met through but it didn't matter and I was like how cool we started talking and he was like is there any way we started talking we're talking business now we're talking business the guy's trying to [ __ ] approach me about business which is fine it's not how you do it but it's fine and this fan comes up and he's like hey man cut immediately in the middle of me talking can you it can I get a picture and I say oh yeah well give me one second man I'm talking to uh I'm talking to uh I'm in the middle of something and he goes I guess ah and walks away like dude what I'm in the middle of a conversation you interrupted us and me in the middle of my sentence literally I say yeah give me a second because I didn't want to be rude to the guy I was talking to and this guy see that's the that's the thing about these [ __ ] cell phone cameras it happens all the time people ask for pictures they don't even know who you are they just recognize you you know only real fans should ask for a picture okay and don't come up and be like hey sorry to bother you because you're not just do it quick if you're gonna do it do it quick I get it you want to pick cool I'm happy to oblige right but uh this guy was such an [ __ ] like yeah I want to pick but not not bad enough to wait around like you know like can I interrupt you now like that's the problem with [ __ ] people who want pictures man it was so [ __ ] egregious and such he was such an ass and I was trying to be polite to the [ __ ] I was talking to you got to be so nice and friendly otherwise people think that you're a dick anyway so it's not even worth it man half the people I take pictures with come out they're like ah man I don't know I think that people feel like I should be happy that they're asking me for my picture I guess I don't know I'm happy they know who I am I'm a happy that they're fans but I think most people ask for pictures for me they're not even fans they're just like want to get a picture too should put it on Instagram to show people that they got it and I'm talking about yeah it was [ __ ] unbelievable that that guy did that that was amazing I don't know I don't even know more dude have you guys seen that [ __ ] video the [ __ ] ice cream video dive the ice cream taster were the guy this is the one of the best videos on the internet and I can't believe I've never talked about this before but I [ __ ] was sending it we were talking the group chat and it was just [ __ ] come on man it was just [ __ ] unbelievable ice-cream test taste our test ate ice cream taster dude I'm he keeps doing that it's s gross that's a tip now that's a 10 this this guy right here so in tasting we do is take a small amount right off the top first of all this guy is an ice cream taster that's his [ __ ] job he tastes ice cream and it's so [ __ ] [ __ ] I can't even believe it doesn't take much that's the warmest part right here let's just start this over again so in tasting what we do is take a small amount right off the top first of all so with tasting what we do is saqqaq number one we hey buddy this is you anytime someone refers to themselves as we flagrant [ __ ] foul flagrant [ __ ] foul okay you might be talking to a [ __ ] [ __ ] and I don't mean that in a gay way I just mean you're a [ __ ] flagrant [ __ ] foul number one take much that's the warmest part right here I'm gonna invert the spoon okay he talks about inverting this spoon like it's his goddamn innovation and an idea flagrant [ __ ] foul that's too flagrant [ __ ] fouls in the middle by the way it's been 11 seconds okay so let's go here we go yeah here we go so in tasting what we do is take a small amount like a [ __ ] it doesn't take much that's the warmest part right here I'm gonna invert the spoon like a [ __ ] [ __ ] okay okay okay he starts about mm-hmm now I will say here's the deal if you take a taste of something and you go mmm that's okay it's okay it's a natural kind of thing mmm that's good mmm mmm that's good right if you go like that you're a [ __ ] [ __ ] okay I wouldn't say it's a [ __ ] coverall 9000 tastebuds Oh so [ __ ] saying that there's nine thousand tastebuds and want you to know that he knows so flagrant [ __ ] call number three covers all 9000 tastebuds I mean how could this guy be such a [ __ ] also couldn't look more like a [ __ ] allergist the guy couldn't look more like the guy I went to go when I thought I was allergic something to something I went to go see what I was allergic to because I [ __ ] broke out and this is the guy living he lives this is what it looks like but when tasting what we do is take a small amount by the way go [ __ ] yourself with your white lab coat dude what's up with ice cream guys treating it like it's surgery every time you see an ice cream guy like on on a [ __ ] some sort of news brief or like some kind of thing where you're looking learning about ice cream the guy's always got a [ __ ] lab coat on like he should like like he's a [ __ ] physician and he's always wearing a dot a [ __ ] patch Adams bowtie go [ __ ] yourself dude hey man not a pharmacist you're tasting you [ __ ] fat slob even if you're not a fat slob you fat slob cuz you taste that's what you do your job is going like this irrigate it you [ __ ] [ __ ] invert this boot what we're gonna want to do is invert this boot and we're gonna want it he ate it dude are you a gopher you're a gopher in a lab coat it doesn't take much that's the warmest part right here I'm gonna invert the spoon mmm cover all 9000 tastebud area it warm it up driving up that top go Oh driving up with his hand on his [ __ ] brain driving up driving up that top note oh that top note like it's a symphony of flavors you know he said that before too well it's a symphony of flavor of flavors dude Oh first of all take off your goddamn laughs lab coat do it shirtless so you can show us show us that belly that the ice cream gave you shirtless if you're an ice cream taster you got to go [ __ ] shirtless dude otherwise you ain't [ __ ] ja rule it up baby you don't be the [ __ ] ja Rule it up go shirtless man be the [ __ ] Bert Kreischer of [ __ ] eating ice cream do not put a shirt on ain't pure vanilla sweeteners and that's a 10 I mean how many times does he let's count with somebody I want somebody to count how many times does that I be tasting what we do any true baby a small amount right off the tonita camera it doesn't take much that's the warmest part right here I'm gonna invert the spoon mmm cover all 9,000 takes but enough Monica area it warm it up driving up that top nope ah that cream pure vanilla sweeteners here's a 10 there's this thing there's this catch price you know Dez that's a 10 that's what he waits the whole time to do that that's a tenth and then listen to how many times he doesn't after that's a ten when he's done tasting by the way here 10 Oh 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 he does it seven times after he says that's a 10 that's a 10 so gross jerking off you know that's a 10 that's what he does after he busses not you have to be Berbers he goes that's a 10 that's what he does when he's making love to his [ __ ] wife for sure dude oh and the top off that whole video he's got a gold spoon if you didn't understand he was a [ __ ] yet a [ __ ] he's got a gold spoon I like to think that he keeps that [ __ ] dumbass spoon in his [ __ ] lab coat and just whenever he needs it do you need me to taste okay here we go open it up let me taste it now invert the spoon we're gonna want to invert the spoon mm-hmm now taste it aerate it that top note symphony of flavor now pure vanilla sweetener that's a 10 that's a 10 do it's so gross the whole [ __ ] thing is so gross dude imagine being a [ __ ] ice cream taster you're gross you know we went to college to like he went to [ __ ] you University of [ __ ] West Virginia or some [ __ ] and they just this [ __ ] dude jobs that aren't jobs are the best you know like [ __ ] jobs that aren't jobs should only be in movies how about movies like that though about that like that like the movie hitch you know movies like that drive me nuts where there's a fake job well it's like yeah I get people get together people that get together you looking to get a girlfriend I'll find one for you like that's not a job dude there's online dating sites hitch okay so he's a guy who it's his job to find a [ __ ] mate for another guy and then there's that one scene where he's like hey man I need you to help me get laid he's like whoa whoa what get laid that's not what this is about so the movie has some [ __ ] heart get out of town dude and then there's that [ __ ] movie that Kevin Hart one though is it the The Wedding ringer where he's like where he's like trying to be where he's the best man worried the best man like that's a job that's not a job the whole [ __ ] movies about I was supposed to be in that movie and I couldn't do it because it's scheduling so I probably shouldn't yeah I'm not talking [ __ ] about it I'm sure it's [ __ ] funny but uh it's also directed by my friend so oops but um it killed it killed it the [ __ ] box office I'm sure it's hilarious so but it's so funny man the movies about like yeah dude make a movie about a guy who's [ __ ] [ __ ] I'm not gonna be able to think of something my comedy mind you know I don't know whatever all I'm trying to say we ate it dude that [ __ ] thing is hilarious we have a you know what we have that you guys are probably going to maybe like hear that we haven't had and while we've got a most [ __ ] up Instagram post to the week you guys it's time for the most [ __ ] up Instagram post of the week alright guys it's been a while since we've had a most [ __ ] up Instagram post of the week but boy do we have a good one today as a matter of fact I saw this for some reason I saw it on even remember how I saw it and when then when I did see it I thought we got a revive most [ __ ] up Instagram post of the week was me I'm doing what done a while so that's how [ __ ] up this one is this is the most [ __ ] up Instagram post of the past however long it's been not gonna tell you the guy's [ __ ] name because don't want to blast him out but this is what the poster is of him kicking back on the roof of a building and he's got one foot up on the wall and one foot one hand up on his face and one hand holding his sunglasses okay to his side and his hair hair is blowing in the wind and he's got perfect amount of [ __ ] and facial hair we are living we are young let's just seize the moment and talk about the rest later let's do everything we want Sulli go let's do anything they call forbidden Sulli go let's discover everything they don't describe as normal let's breathe and live our lives entirely we are blessed to be alive and we all have the opportunity to do everything we want no we don't so you win heck dude turn round step outside to dunk say yeah eat goat now that's a congratulations combo I didn't realize you just what's that what is that it's a sausage is it pancakes eggs oh dude let me take your order because you're at Denny's and you just got served an all-american Grand Slam that'll be 998 let's do he's to everything we don't describe as normal in the mean that the meantime the [ __ ] post couldn't be more north couldn't be more normal I don't know man un-fuckin'-believable these people the most Instagram most most [ __ ] up Instagram posts of the week yeah you know what we also are going to do a new Elder that's what we're gonna do and here's what we're gonna do we're gonna take this [ __ ] sign off here and we're gonna give since I've been disrespecting the [ __ ] out of this chick because I haven't said her name right we're going to give her eldership for for making decor for the for the for the log cabin studio here her name is Catherine R Hutchinson now she's probably got an Instagram or something I thought it was on the back here it's not but it says for Christa Lea from your true baby Catherine r hutchinson that's what it says back there showing you on the [ __ ] video podcast so I'm not gonna be able to hang this back up again because I'm a piece of [ __ ] but okay cool so you're an elder thank you very much for your dedication and for your artwork in helping us secure and a beautiful visual representation for our podcast because this is this is great this is exactly what what an elder what you get for don't need to do outlandish [ __ ] like take a [ __ ] on your neighbor's patio and in the name of you know the cult you don't need to do some crazy [ __ ] you also don't need to do that much work but this person I remember they told me Catherine Catherine told me that she did it while listening to my podcasts in between I think she said she was at she'd right she's like a driver or something and she'd do it while she was waiting for her clients or some [ __ ] like that that's what she said anyway very cool and thank you for that and you are now an elder we will grow on this cult strong you guys we really are growing this cult strong we're trying to do this and you guys are keep keep coming out keep coming to the shows and that's it that's what's up aurilla we're have 50 minutes good [ __ ] keep going do you guys hear the construction by the way I don't know maybe not mm-hmm um actually that's a great [ __ ] thing to talk about right there we got Twitter questions here that's a great one though drew at what is it drew chains that's what that says drew Train drew chains how [ __ ] are those scooters people ride when they break their foot yeah that's actually really [ __ ] I mean dude you know what I'm talking about where you put your knee up on the pad and your [ __ ] wheel around like an invalid well you're just wheeling around like a [ __ ] [ __ ] like just take it take a seat just relax have someone else go get you some [ __ ] we got the basket in the front of the [ __ ] handle you know who would you know who's gonna be riding around in these things for real soon rappers rappers are gonna be [ __ ] on in their videos with these bitch-ass I don't know what you call them bitch-ass [ __ ] if you break your a break your ankle or break your foot just sit the [ __ ] down get-get crutches I saw somebody in crutches walk into a coffee shop the other day and they went to go grab the door real friend they gave up on their crutches and just started walking that's the other thing too if you're gonna [ __ ] need crutches use crutches don't [ __ ] don't show me you don't need crutches if you have crutch if you have crutches on your armpit you better be using them this [ __ ] idiot just was using crutches and then the door was closing at the coffee bean and then he just just started holding it and ran towards the door and opened it you don't need him sin doesn't need it it doesn't need it I swear to God compl at 6:19 he's gonna have she's gonna have one of those soon um okay Nick at how [ __ ] underscores to [ __ ] I mean you know obviously listen to the podcast what do you think the best acting performance of all time is - Dustin Hoffman in Rain Man yeah I mean it's great he's great in that never saw it uh yeah he's so good in that never [ __ ] saw one ain't one [ __ ] little bit of it but yeah he's great that's great I agree with you never saw it [ __ ] um but yeah good job I actually know if movie's gonna be good or not before I [ __ ] see it I don't need to see it or not you know I mean I saw Braveheart I knew exactly how good it was gonna be it was great never want to see it again it was a [ __ ] great movie I had a buddy in high school that used to watch Braveheart all the time that's weird to watch a movie like that over and over again hey man it's not swingers it's not [ __ ] wedding crashers you know what I mean how many times you got a yellow guy how many times you got us we see a guy scream freedom while he's getting his [ __ ] nut sawed off the ones that come to mind are Christian Bale in the fighter at the end when he's given the interview and talking about Mark Wahlberg and he just all of a sudden starts crying for no [ __ ] reason hey it's a good here's the other thing too man these actors that like lose weight and gain weight and all that [ __ ] stop let the [ __ ] fat guy get the role let the skinny guy get the role it drives me nuts these [ __ ] actors just play the role you're gonna play do it play the role that looks like you when you get you know what is like who's he playing who's the guy that Enron not the Enron guy but the [ __ ] Halliburton guy the Vice was it a vice president or what the [ __ ] was is the bald guy ya know Christian Bale's playing them but it's like Cheney no not Cheney that's the [ __ ] guy that died right Janey Dick Cheney who am I thinking of the guy who couldn't get his arms up John McCain so disrespectful war vet so disrespectful prisoner of war Scissors rock was great too for our country scissors about Oklahoma guy couldn't put his arms up so anyway dick cheney's playing I think Kristen Bell is playing Dick Cheney yeah and like hey don't hey man let Tom Hanks do it hey man you know he just got fat and shaved is it so weird but but I think Kristen Bell's up there with greatest actors for sure for net of now for sure of all time maybe even the guy's [ __ ] amazing and handsome and he's good-looking what's God doing divvying out all this [ __ ] but Dick Cheney I don't know I don't know it always kind of part of me wants to see like you know how Tom from Tom Hanks is playing mr. Rogers and and the picture of mr. Rogers he looks so much like mr. Rogers it just like part of me wants to be like just stop take just don't just let him do it why do you have to dye his hair why I could do all this yeah I don't know what it is about that that [ __ ] bugs me I guess cuz deep down I think of it it's just [ __ ] you know I know you're making stories that are great and mean a lot to people but it's just like dude you're just making a [ __ ] movie you know it's from a company it's like you just try you're basically just trying to sell Kleenex and you're gonna dress up like mr. Rogers I don't know I'm not trying to take a look at [ __ ] at the drop of a hat I'd be in the movie I'm not saying but it's like these like they're making a movie I'm reading this book shoo dog by filmic night I'm almost done but they're making a movie about it and you know they're gonna get a guy that looks like Phil Knight why why nobody knows what [ __ ] Phil Knight looks like they're gonna get a guy you know what I mean like they're gonna get out side by side all it really looks like I'm who [ __ ] cares get a black guy to do it who gives a [ __ ] get an asian guy get a Vietnamese guy to play [ __ ] film full night who cares who [ __ ] cares don't even call him Phil Knight who gives a [ __ ] don't even call the company Nike who gives a [ __ ] it's about the story it doesn't matter it's not gonna be real anyway it's not based on it is based on a real life I guess there was a pair of there's a paraplegic there's a [ __ ] paraplegic guy in the movie make him walk who cares who [ __ ] cares you know there was one guy that's 300 pounds that worked on the thing who cares what's it [ __ ] matter it's about the story but they're gonna do it they're gonna be like oh look oh wow see that's the thing when I posted the thing about how that guy Oscar Isaacs is that his name the actor eyes Oscar Isaac that's what my mom does it plural eise's every last name you know that your friend Tim Thompson's its Thompson mom yeah whatever anyway he died mom's she his wife got pregnant and then that's what my mom does no matter what she'll tell me about a pregnancy a death or somebody got married one time swear to God she said you know [ __ ] Lauren Stephenson's you mean Stevens yeah do you hear what happened no her dad was walking went for a walk had a heart attack and died on her wedding day really yeah anyway she's pregnant too that's what she said to me she hit the [ __ ] trifecta altogether I was like Jesus Christ I was like for a second I was like irrigated that top note that's a 10 unbelievable dude so yeah so anyway what was I talk about format yeah so I'm reading this book by the way I'm getting sidetracked like a [ __ ] but that's what this podcast is about my babies you won't be in the cult we sidetracking than the [ __ ] so we read we I'm reading this book shoo dog by phil knight and it's a good book everyone flipped out it's almost that good it's almost as good as everyone saying it's very good my agent gave it to me it's [ __ ] but read it right away it's [ __ ] but not to [ __ ] I read it all the way but right away but saqqaq I said I drop that [ __ ] that in fact on my agent gave it to me anyway I read it I'm reading it I'm almost done I'll be done probably by the time this [ __ ] podcast comes out but it was a it's a really good book and it is a really good book and it's about this guy phil knight who started Nike and it's just incredible I love it because this guy I love hearing I love hearing about peep I love hearing people who are passionate talk about what they're passionate about I don't give a [ __ ] what it's about it doesn't matter what it's about now I happen to love shoes but this guy all he wanted to do was [ __ ] make shoes he was a runner he was like not one of the best on his team in college but he was a good runner um and he was like look I'm never gonna be a [ __ ] track icon and then he just got in his head that he wants to [ __ ] go to Japan and be and and work with this company called Tiger shoes that that made track shoes and he wanted to [ __ ] sell him he wanted to be the American he wanted to sell him in the American market and this company kept [ __ ] him over and [ __ ] him over and he kept on you know doing better and better business every year until it was like in 1980 he made like a hundred and forty million dollars for the company but it was like or 79 I think but it's like the amount of [ __ ] the guy here's the two things that stick with me in this book dude first of all you gotta [ __ ] love what you do otherwise you're just not going to make it unless you have supreme luck on your side which nobody does so you gotta love what you do you gotta want to do it like I was just telling a story to a [ __ ] buddy of mine I love stand-up so much you can't get me offstage you can't get me offstage I'll go on stage every [ __ ] night you can't [ __ ] tell me not to I will wait till I get my money if I can't tell me nothing Oh in Senate no no no whatever but I'll go on stage all the time you can't tell me nothing and I mean nothing this guy was gonna make shoes you can't tell him nothing dude he was gonna make shoes no matter what and he thought about it obsessed about it he got the shipment from Tiger in Japan and he [ __ ] had his office in his mom's house in his basement got all the shoes and rolled around in him smelled them looked at him and [ __ ] rolled around in his shoes crazy passionate yeah yeah but [ __ ] successful down the road that's what happens my buddy this was the story I was gonna tell you my buddy who I'm not friends with anymore cuz turned out to be bass [ __ ] we were both you know audition I hate auditioning this guy loved auditioning he was like dude every it's my time it's my time of the week to act sometimes I only have two auditions one audition a week but that's my time so I rehearsed he loved going on what the material was he'd break it down and go in and that was his moment whether he's in there for five minutes or twenty five minutes that was his moment of the week to shine and he loved it and he booked stuff and I didn't and once I got on stage as a comedian I understood I'm the comedian bro I'm gonna be successful as comedian because that's what I do I love it I happen to have some sort of a talent for it and I [ __ ] between those two things with a little bit of luck you [ __ ] get it go in my babies you get a [ __ ] going make your [ __ ] hobby your job then you'll never be upset well you won't never be upset but you'll be happy with what you do for your [ __ ] for a living you know it's like I'm trying to tell these [ __ ] dude this guy loves tasted I screamed he ate it he made his hobby his [ __ ] job mm-hmm that pop nope he made it his job to taste ice cream I'm sure that was a [ __ ] hard road was it or was he just a [ __ ] fat guy that put on a lab coat who knows that could be the little bit of luck but you got to [ __ ] work hard that's a 10 he came up with a catchphrase for [ __ ] sake dude now that's a 10 now that's a 10 killing it babies make your hobby your job you never work a day in your life that's the saying right just you know it's incredible man but anyway it's a good book I can't okay so the two things that stuck with me or how passionate it was about what he did and how [ __ ] many obstacles and hurdles you have to [ __ ] get over it was unbelievable dude every other page is like and then this happened and I'm getting mad reading this [ __ ] book Oh Mike this guy just wants to make a [ __ ] shoe dude he just wants to get [ __ ] he literally wanted runners to run faster and he wanted to get shoes I mean maybe he's if what he called it psychopath I don't know but all he wanted to do was [ __ ] make people run faster in sell shoes that's all he wanted to do he wanted to better the shoes if the shoes were bad he would recall him and make him better and take a hit from the company but that's all he wanted to [ __ ] do and the government literally the American government was trying to stop him threat of free enterprise my babies but they were trying to stop him but do I know what free enterprise means no but I know that the book said it and I know that that's the thing they were trying to stop him dude the [ __ ] government was trying to stop him Japanese dudes were trying to stop him in Japan people in [ __ ] other other people in Oregon were trying to stop him other companies Adidas Puma they were trying to bury him converse they were trying to bury him but [ __ ] this dude rose out of the ashes man that's what happened he did it he did it my babies now Nike is a household name that's the [ __ ] dude that's the American [ __ ] even though it's largely Japan and they're made in China now in sweatshops still ha this person right here baby face fat boy at background Mitch hey change it change one of them change both of them URI ate it can't wait till somebody changes their name to aerate it of course they will that top note now that's a 10 listen to all 87 episodes in two weeks this cult is a full-time job to me and I'm ready for the log cabin that's [ __ ] crazy 87 episodes in two weeks hey man let me ask you a quick question to do what about family what about how about this what about anything background Mitch that's crazy dude hey babyface Fat Boy Chu down dude let me tell you something dude you're what you listen to every [ __ ] episode in two weeks I got a message for you go outside and [ __ ] Yuri ate it that's crazy that's crazy oh my god do it did you did you listen to the [ __ ] episode 10 and you go that's a 10 so dumb so dumb worst joke I've ever made on this podcast a hundred percent worst joke I've ever made on this podcast I don't give a [ __ ] did you listen episode 10 and go like this now that's a 10 worst joke ever made on this podcast and I don't give a [ __ ] dude you with me till the end how about to park would do that like he would be like that's so funny that he'd be so gangster and then all of a sudden ladder like he's on a tricycle hey well it's about that time to wrap up my babies that's what I'm trying to tell you is we got Miami coming up krisily accom get that followed leadership download the cash app for free on the App Store or Google Play market enter rewards code congrats get $5 and give $5 - times up also you can hear my pod couture you can watch my podcast on my app live before anyone else if you download my app go to Crystal Leah in the App Store and you can do that and you know that's what true babies do at least anyway I'm not trying to pressure you but that's what your babies do I not trying to pressure it but that's what your babies do Washington DC does were all sold out sold out so now it's a car Jacksonville Florida West Palm Beach Florida Atlanta Georgia West Palm Beach Florida Jacksonville Florida Miami Florida Atlanta Georgia Los Angeles we just added a new show get your tickets babies San Francisco I think that's sold out Boston Fresno Boston I'm adding another show in Boston in Medford just because your babies keep trying to come out for shows sold out at The Wiltern Wiltern no Wilbur boyacá right blocka blocka right dude for shows at The Wiltern blocka blocka blocka blocka I'm Jamaican Fresno California Bakersfield California Austin Texas San Antonio Texas merch right we got a three stock it's all restocked today you want to go get those [ __ ] dahlias Grand Slam t-shirts or the [ __ ] whatever you want to go get go get its fall double up on the [ __ ] layers okay I'm also doing a show tomorrow which is Wednesday so if it's vo parka circuses tonight in Ventura California go to Brian Collins Instagram and [ __ ] click on his stupid ass shitty a granddad link but uh there's like it's like a really small secret show I'm doing with Callen my grandpa Callen anyway follow the leader buy tickets at Chris D'Elia calm hey look you guys we've been like number 13 on the [ __ ] Apple [ __ ] I want to get higher all right spread the word please I'm so sick and tired of seeing all these [ __ ] getting jump get the jump on us you know subscribe rate and review the show please that helps go onto iTunes and do that rate and review the show really help listen to it and also shout out to sort and scale popular podcast episode 123 if you listen to it you'll notice one of your [ __ ] favorite podcasters and comedians doing one of the voices about a guy who who [ __ ] well about a guy who killed him rape someone which is very shitty but but they asked me to do it and I did it so I played it and video episodes go up Tuesday's or Wednesdays and subscribe rate and review the show and go get tickets a crystal a dark homie crystal they are my babies and remember don't ever forget to hear it [Music] [Music] you [Music]

Channel: Chris D'Elia

Views: 166,605

Rating: 4.8887501 out of 5

Keywords: Congratulations, Chris D'Elia, podcast, comedy, delia, chris delia, chris delia congratulations, chris delia podcast, congratulations chris delia, congratulations podcast, congratulations podcast chris delia, congratulations podcast chris, congratulations chris, man on fire, Kawhi Leonard, Kanye, DJ Pooh, jr smith supreme tattoo, kanye snl, phil knight, twitter questions, tekashi 6ix9ine

Id: bYMc48mYev4

Length: 68min 31sec (4111 seconds)

Published: Wed Oct 03 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/this12344]

Pretty epic episode