Comedy Showdown: Kevin Hart vs Katt Williams | Who is Better?

[Music] go with the mcdonald's this is a true story i go to mcdonald's i'm at the drive-thru right i own a big mac mill i've had a big mac in the longest time i'm so excited for this [ __ ] big mac oh my god i can't wait to get this big mac i get the big mac i'm so excited i pull over in a mcdonald's parking lot i start [ __ ] a big mac up smashing it all over my face everything i'm happy as hell i turned to my left it's a woman outside the window taping me she said got your ass how nervous what the [ __ ] are you doing lady she said but i got your ass what the [ __ ] you mean got my ass what am i doing i'm so nervous i dropped the burger i just dropped the [ __ ] burger i grabbed my phone i went to twitter i issued an apology via social media i said i'm sorry i'm sorry the reason why i apologize is because two days earlier i announced that i was going plant-based full-time i just said it the video was detrimental to everything that i stood for at the moment [Applause] i had to issue an apology to the plant-based community became an ally made a donation was a part of protest i had to do what i could stood by the side of cows took pictures it was a lot shit's getting aggressive shit's getting more aggressive fast food is getting more aggressive fast food used to be just a decision you make now they getting aggressive and we gotta know when to draw the line taco bell then started trying to trap [ __ ] [Applause] i gotta go all around the country warning my people to beware taco bell is trying to trap [ __ ] yes they made a taco out of chicken meat yeah trying to trap [ __ ] in there we got to draw the line no taco bell no we don't stop them now they'll have chitlin chimichangas and hog mall nachos no we don't want no cornbread churro make them regular my wife says the same thing all the time once again kevin you're getting older getting angry irritable i'm here to tell you i am getting older 41 now guy no where does time go i was just 22 years old man you do not realize how fast time flies when you look back at all those comedy specials on the wall it's a timeline my [ __ ] life that's damn near 16 years of comedy man 16 [ __ ] years of comedy like it's insane 41 what happened [ __ ] changes at the age 40. you hear about it but you don't believe things do change i'm here to tell you [ __ ] does change biggest change for me after the age 40 my balls dropped i got some less got some [ __ ] limps on my balls i didn't ask for it just happened i didn't even know i was in the kitchen bent over to pick something up my wife was like why you got dice in your back pocket i got no [ __ ] dicks in my back pocket touched my back pocket oh that's my balls got there i got that's my [ __ ] boss have my balls in my back pocket what the [ __ ] just happened to me how long was i sleeping you stretched me out while i was asleep the biggest thing for me is how content i am at this age man i am okay i'm very serious man i am okay i don't need to do much i love being in the [ __ ] house i actually built the house i thought me and my wife built the house because that's what we wanted to say we wanted to stay in this [ __ ] house let's build our dream house to stay in it not to leave it women got a problem with doing this thing called sitting the [ __ ] down it's very difficult for women to sit the [ __ ] down sit the [ __ ] down it's a task for women a woman's favorite line let's go do some stuff what stuff something what the [ __ ] are you saying something a bunch of men that's a bunch of men rejoicing yeah yeah something i don't know something you know my wife's biggest problem is chasing her past trying to redo what she did when she was younger ladies i'm here to give you a personal message it's okay to get old there's nothing wrong with getting old there's nothing wrong with it stop fighting old age the beauty of getting older is that you get to look back and realize all the dope [ __ ] that you overcame and that you did when you were younger that's dope stop trying to run from that stop trying to redo that it's over it's [ __ ] over she told me the other day she was like babe we should go out tonight we should get [ __ ] up i said absolutely not no why would i do that no it hurts it [ __ ] hurts now take a shot and get stuck in my chest for three to five [ __ ] minutes my left side shut down i get to shaking and [ __ ] i gotta fart or [ __ ] i don't know it's one of them something's happening making dumb ass faces i described this to my wife in great detail you know my answer was you don't never want to have fun with me [ __ ] i just described a stroke to you that's a stroke that's a legal stroke i'm shutting down you don't want to have fun with me you don't ever want to do stuff it's [ __ ] up my last young day was last christmas playing basketball in somebody's backyard got fouled ran into a wall damn near kill myself and i thought i had saved myself because i saved my face with my arm i saved my face with my arm but when my arm hit the ground that [ __ ] sound like transformers they said my brain said get the [ __ ] up off the ground my arm said if you get us up off the ground you don't have to put us in your pocket [ __ ] cause we are done i got right up off the ground and went right to the hospital now white people i know that don't sound amazing if you get hurt you're supposed to go to the hospital but that's a [ __ ] if you get up off the ground and go directly to the hospital that means you thought you was finna die that day i was in the hospital looking at the doctor in the eye i was holding my arm like a baby i said i don't know what you finna do but every time i blink it feels like somebody is tearing my arm out the socket he said don't worry i'ma put you on some medication i said wait a minute with all due respect i've been smoking the best weed in the country and medication is not you do your job let me do my job he wrote me out two prescriptions one for tramadol and one for percocet i know know if y'all don't have them separately but if you take them [ __ ] together it'll make you a superhero in this space you walking around looking for small crimes saying [ __ ] no [ __ ] has ever said before shoot me right in the chest shoot me right in the chest i ain't gonna feel it i can't feel [ __ ] but you have to be careful your doctors give you all that strong ass [ __ ] medication they'll tell you what the [ __ ] it's gonna do when they all get together you don't believe that ask tiger woods tiger was in the police department looking like a baby giraffe and [ __ ] [Applause] one two three four five strong ass medication you know how this is what makes me laugh hearing other people talk about sex that's enough for me hearing other people talk about sex is the funniest [ __ ] in the world funniest people to listen to talk about sex of my nephews my nephews are 21 22 years old it's the funniest [ __ ] that you will ever hear man it's the funniest [ __ ] you'll ever hear but they don't they don't offer the information you got to bait it out of them you got to set a trap see if they fall for it i set the trap they fall in and every time i just come in the room hot y'all ain't [ __ ] yet they take debate every time who ain't [ __ ] every time who ain't [ __ ] i know you ain't saying me i know you ain't saying i ain't [ __ ] i'm [ __ ] i know you ain't saying me go ahead huh you ain't [ __ ] [ __ ] i know your young ass ain't [ __ ] i'm [ __ ] um what you doing tell me what you doing here no i ain't telling you cause if i tell you i'll try to put it in one of your little comedy shows i can [ __ ] talk about you shut up the hell i'ma put you in my comedy show for i got jokes i don't need you what you doing give me the nastiest thing that you've done no judging no judging [ __ ] i'ma judge you for all right nastiest thing i've done i went to the movies with this girl we go to the movies she told me get a large bucket of popcorn i get the bucket of popcorn i sit down she cut a hole in the bottom told me put my dick through the hole she gave me a butter beat off i said what the [ __ ] i caught myself i had to act like i knew what it was ah a butter bead off i know that's right a butter bead off you know you're older because you asked the wrong questions [ __ ] y'all get a large four why you waste all that popcorn you just got small 12 14 difference ain't it why you get that that butter don't get in your hole that sounds like an infection waiting to have it that's how you catch the vin you don't get the vin get the vid19 doing that [ __ ] putting the butter in your hole i don't want the butter in your hole ran home told my wife ain't gonna believe this [ __ ] i was talking to terence terrence told me these kids out here giving each other butter beat-offs she said they still doing that i said what the [ __ ] is happening here who are you i don't even want to know no more do you just stop right there my kids better not be doing i know that much if i find out my kids don't i have a goddamn fit can't just come out and ask your kids though you gotta once again gotta set the trap see if they step in it we had dinner eating a good dinner at the house nice dinner i threw the question out to my wife babe we should go to the movies maybe you give me a butter beat off i look right in my [ __ ] door right at my door staring at her ass she didn't buy it she was cool as a fan eating the food and [ __ ] i've never been more proud as a father thank you god thank you god she don't even know what the [ __ ] it is thank you god turn this way my son was like oh yeah he said yeah you better get the large dad [Applause] you don't want that butter in the hole you'll catch the vin again you don't want it twice you don't want back-to-back cases of the vid but i didn't bring up viagra to talk to the men i brought up viagra i've been talking about it for two years it's finally happening this year 2018 they're gonna be selling it it's gonna change everything they are finally finished sale female viagra did you hear that that wasn't women that was old vaginas waking up for the first time tonight what did that [ __ ] say [Applause] that's fresh she got cobwebs on it and everything is fresh saran wrap [Applause] that's right ladies female viagra is coming it's gonna change everything [ __ ] game is already vicious wait to this old kitty cat get back on the market they say they say the female viagra is stronger than the men's yeah they say even if you 62 it'll bring you back to when you was at your hottest look at the cougars wow [Applause] that's gonna change the game right now these young girls is running things but you wait till that old classic get out men know it ain't but two types of [ __ ] the old classic [ __ ] and the new classic that old classic is a classic for a reason it's got its own young girl you just get it to the bed and start [ __ ] not that old classic you got to warm up that engine first you got to prime that engine you [Applause] by the nipples let's keep checking the fluids she ain't ready yet she is not ready you gonna know that she ready to cause she gonna crank up like this [ __ ] got a 450 under there this is a real classic right here [Applause] that's that old classic young girl wanna come all night long not that old classic she just want to come one time she want to come hard as hell she wanted to shake the room [Applause] boom she ain't got time to be [ __ ] all night long she got [ __ ] in the crock pot she got to look after [ __ ] i sturdy's at three and at seven like clockwork i never missed it that's that old classic she don't want to come but one time but it ain't gonna be easy hold up you have to be ready to do 49 to 52 minutes of hard work you gonna have to use hard dick and creativity because she can't move this hip and this knee you might have to [ __ ] that [ __ ] in a rocking chair can you feel that me mom that's that old classic just saying do more [ __ ] some of you women right now are lucky you are sitting right now with a man with great dick don't don't make no noise y'all know how these jacksonville hoes is who's y'all made some noise that [ __ ] look like vultures you

Channel: Daily Dose Comedy

Views: 1,415,272

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Id: rWSluNzp4Wg

Length: 16min 58sec (1018 seconds)

Published: Mon Jan 25 2021