Never Before Seen...Bernie Mac "LIVE" from San Diego "Kings of Comedy Tour"

that's my wife cousin she don't hire your relatives you can't fight on [ __ ] go home and have an argument domestic bastards that's why i like white people i look around a lot of white people in the house chinese that's where they go chinese [ __ ] oh [Music] [Music] your nails to your feet they always talk with that big dog but when they want their money they talk english like 15 15 don't let me hear you talk about that chunk he just hitting this [ __ ] no more i mean you're talking about my mama or something like that behind my goddamn back oh no tell me man it's [ __ ] 43 man i'm getting older now i lost my buddy why he wasn't a buddy what is it holmes you see me busy god damn i talk to you later country [ __ ] hollering and [ __ ] sit down no no i lost my i lost a friend you know i wasn't afraid i knew the [ __ ] 47. i'm 43 when somebody died be close to you but [ __ ] scared the [ __ ] out you know that you know be like was it sick make you think about your goddamn self knowledge my mother said man john died what how he died with your sleep didn't wake up what was he sick was his chest hurt was it getting high give me some information god damn it did that make me feel like that's [ __ ] me i'm next that's why no i don't give a [ __ ] what's wrong with me i go to doctor splinter no bleed backache i run my wife crazy like a [ __ ] man my chest i had gas the other day so much gas is a [ __ ] man that [ __ ] hurts so goddamn bad man i couldn't even fart that [ __ ] was so goddamn tight you know you sick when you don't say [ __ ] just look that motherfucker's sick man i pass gas so goddamn hard man when you pass gas number change gears [Music] i'm a [ __ ] sick are you my wife you nasty bastard come on take me to the hospital take him to the hospital i bump my knee that [ __ ] swallow up man come come take me to the goddamn hospital [ __ ] that i go to the hospital [ __ ] what it is i will [ __ ] another day a sharp pain came to my left leg all the way up to my right arm she said oh right there right wipe your ass come on take me to the hospital you know you sick when you stop [ __ ] you [ __ ] man and all of a sudden something you get scared because i heard about [ __ ] died on my brother that's my brothers tell me when i first started [ __ ] he said man a good piece of [ __ ] in a cold glass of water killer [ __ ] i said no [ __ ] no [ __ ] first time i got some [ __ ] man we [ __ ] my ass all right man i'm laying in the bed she said you all right or something good she said you want some water i said to myself this [ __ ] trying to kill me yeah man we all laughing see me we can't pass no gas like women women fall like a zombie while they cook it let's just oh you heard that you heard it nasty [ __ ] got that and getting it from the back and the woman fought it you show your selfish [ __ ] you sure don't stop dude you just keep [ __ ] you know i ain't lying you know i ain't lying you're goddamn not you don't say [ __ ] but when you get in your car you talk about the ass like a daughter see you later bernie all right stankin ass [ __ ] gonna fall on my dick and [ __ ] we want to kick you in the crack of your head oh we we got double stack we're going to [ __ ] like tonight look around we'll be looking good y'all got all your [ __ ] all makeup on your girl your bra your hair shoes you goddamn small boy y'all the first hour and a half you [ __ ] walking strong boy that [ __ ] started throbbing two hours those shoes choking the [ __ ] out yo got their feet no bunions bleeding like a [ __ ] that little black toenail little little [ __ ] toenail a little piece of nail on that [ __ ] swollen like a slime [ __ ] boy they get home y'all can't wait take off the goddamn clothes y'all have to snap all between your legs and all that kind of [ __ ] boy just watch your woman tonight when she go home and take off that goddamn clothes man that ass gonna be itching like a [ __ ] when they all snap that goddamn bra start scratching underneath no titty [ __ ] ah damn you know hey man i just be watching you pay a price to look good like a [ __ ] no man i like old funk see we having fun young cats don't have no fun no more see mother asked me man bernie look you look about 37 i'm 43. my mother said man you look about 30 something that's that's good that's a compliment i don't want to be no 30 something i don't want to be no 20s huh i want to be with those stupid summer [ __ ] you knew jack [ __ ] they got the sense god gave a picture they don't know how to handle a [ __ ] phone see old parents i like old pants new pants some punk ass pants you know the kids tell you what the [ __ ] they ain't gonna do i ain't gonna eat that ain't that a [ __ ] i'll break your [ __ ] jaw you tell me ain't gonna eat up you sure ain't gonna you hungry hit you your [ __ ] get your earring so you know [ __ ] oh old parents used to [ __ ] you up in front of company they hit you underneath your teeth make your teeth clatter and [ __ ] you bite the back of your [ __ ] tongue you know [ __ ] don't cry no mostly [ __ ] we used to cry [ __ ] tell you get a whipping man [ __ ] you up my mom used to [ __ ] old pants to [ __ ] you up with that old psychology you know my mother just tell me when your daddy get home i'm gonna whip your ass now go on outside and play how the [ __ ] you gonna play under some pressure like that you can't play no baseball like that man i'll be inspired to feel the ball be coming dead to me [ __ ] that goddamn ball man catch the ball brother [ __ ] that ball i'ma get a woman at five o'clock i can't concentrate man when i come home you know you won't get in trouble so your brother's supposed to be in line like there's about 13 of us in one house so he was like a [ __ ] choir well you you knew you're gonna get a woman all you had to do was look at the faces on your brother and sister what's wrong what's wrong that's when they sing that song look at this [ __ ] here he did that [ __ ] on purpose i don't get that [ __ ] no energy he had no home training that's [ __ ] he ain't got no goddamn whoopees either so you know [ __ ] ain't crying see let me tell you about a about a cry you know when you used to cry when your mama whooped your [ __ ] ass and with the first lick you holler then it'd be a seven second pause after that seven second pause it'd be a scream that's a [ __ ] cry you see these new kids crying like that that's crying [ __ ] when you get [ __ ] hurt you all right to him if i ask you what's wrong that's a whooping when you get a woman you try to be strong don't say nothing to the [ __ ] now when your mama got the whip of your ass you'd be trying to be strong when you ride your brother [Applause] [Music] you scared the [ __ ] at you my mama tell me those stupid [ __ ] she just say stupid [ __ ] to my brother sis that's the first time i started cussing out about four years [ __ ] old no man i ain't never been no dumb son [ __ ] i ain't no [ __ ] genius and i ain't no dummy when i'm closer to being a genius then my [ __ ] dummy mama tell your brother go outside and find me a switch to whip your [ __ ] ass my brother and supposed to be all outside looking for [ __ ] i'm four years old i said look at these dumb trump [ __ ] now i wish my mama i said i can't wait to my mama stupid [ __ ] like that my momma asked me she said you know i'm tired of you go outside and find me something to beat your ass with i just looked there should you hear what i said i said i heard what the [ __ ] you said who you talking to who the [ __ ] i'm in here i'm not going to find a [ __ ] thing you want to wait for me to go outside and find you something to hit me with you crazy this sum [ __ ] you do your own labor my brother said don't say that i said [ __ ] up i'm gonna get a whoopin anywhere so [ __ ] you know i ain't going to find you [ __ ] to hit me with but our stupid ass used to do this [ __ ] man parents back then you scared the [ __ ] at you when they come to class on you see mother don't come to class now they come to class not my son uh um no no we know he did better fix this [ __ ] better fix it no no he did see my mother used to come and sneak up on you remember how your mama just come walking in the muffin class had that wig gonna be cocked to the side everybody be mumbling who mama that who mama you can always tell who [ __ ] mama is they'll be playing like they busy oh that's your [ __ ] mom that's your mama church people don't know the lord people don't even pray you know i don't understand what's blind's on but i know back in the day man like my my my little niece gonna come tell me the other day she gonna tell me oh i'm not eating that i'm going on a hunger strike [ __ ] who give a [ __ ] you ain't hurt me i hope you don't eat till your [ __ ] ass get get light-headed just walking and just fall the [ __ ] out just yeah don't eat no don't eat [ __ ] around here man i'm telling like it here see my you know women like to like to showcase [ __ ] all the time don't say that women [ __ ] me up too you know especially with the kids come here baby [ __ ] 18 years old come come that's my baby this dick get harder than mine he ain't no goddamn baby then women say come here baby then argue with their husband be a man make up your [ __ ] mind which route you want to [ __ ] go see women y'all got to see that that [ __ ] is a [ __ ] [ __ ] been killing this world for a long time now i'm so sick of [ __ ] i don't know what to do man that pink [ __ ] make me sick that pink bastard number the goddamn drug don't tell me i'm wearing the patch right god damn now [Applause] no man [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] they're all backstage titty out no draws on they could be going just every time somebody offers you support they think me just wanna [ __ ] it i suck your dick like i never had my dick sucked before you suck that [ __ ] and make my nut come on to my goddamn chest you're a hell of a [ __ ] you're a hell of a [ __ ] my wife tell me put some candles on put some [ __ ] slow music on let the shade down [ __ ] all that i'm [ __ ] with the news on i don't need all that [ __ ] we serving one purpose that's a nut that bastard ain't number three and a half full [ __ ] seconds or nothing [ __ ] think about it you bust your ass off for a four and a half second nut you got to be a sick [ __ ] [ __ ] bust your heart wide open it couldn't be no 15 second nut it'd be some drop dead [ __ ] around here man can you imagine a 20-second nut just [Laughter] and the shit's all unbalanced think about it nut is unbalanced women nut all four five six seven goddamn time that's some unfair [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] that that [ __ ] ain't right god i know he put a curse on him i'm gonna ass boy but when we bust that nut the [ __ ] is over i know for me you ain't bad hate [ __ ] with me when i get mine i don't give what you say you done lost you're lost you could be mad like a [ __ ] you ain't [ __ ] that's all right all right go tell him i'm gonna get a young man go get that [ __ ] i'll watch i'll watch like a [ __ ] man a nut is a [ __ ] women get six seven nuts we can't fake it a woman can fake a nut oh [ __ ] daddy oh daddy how we gonna fake this here we can't fake it oh ah when we try to fake it all you gotta do is listen to the man listen to me how we breathe tell all on our ass cause the breathing gonna get strong and strong that's it oh you done kane i ain't just a [ __ ] you know i'm tired i've been working overtime i'm tired give me 30 minutes 30 minutes you'd be asleep all but it's double standards see we can't do you know men can't do like women women got the power you have that argument with your woman man she didn't speak to your ass for like two and a half weeks that [ __ ] man that house is discombobulated a woman get mad at your hair for two and a half weeks not no two three days you got a [ __ ] up problem that [ __ ] gets so goddamn mad she cooked for everybody in the house but your ass she washed everybody closely your dirty ass draws up in that sumbitch the kids eating and [ __ ] you come on kids eating like a sun [ __ ] you said nothing ain't [ __ ] left for you you asked the kids let me get a bite babe uh this is all she cooked daddy you know that's some [ __ ] who the [ __ ] you know just cooked sweet chicken wings man nobody better no [ __ ] three goddamn wings selfish some of them a [ __ ] then they walk past you know what you walking down walking down the hallway she coming this way you coming that way and both of y'all just scooped by each other like that there but when you go to bed you sleep on that end she sleep on his hand when your leg touch her leg she scooped the [ __ ] almost out of the bed you got a problem man a woman got the power but a whole week go by you can't make up brother you can't do it cause you're a punk both of y'all want to make up but you can't be the first son [ __ ] to make up she wants some dick you want some [ __ ] bad mother well who gonna give in but see they got the power they walk around the house they see some dirty [ __ ] there's some dirty [ __ ] man they walk around the house with some red glass patties and brawn painting got a big old hole right here [ __ ] they walking around that [ __ ] you trying to watch the game looking at themselves just looking your dick so hard puss coming out that [ __ ] she's sitting up there man her there gonna walk past you while you're watching the game she's gonna finally say something to you after a week and a half you seen the tv guys oh he it is you dirty [ __ ] you then she going to washington your dick leaking that [ __ ] leaking you go on the washroom you gotta go and follow you got to just be her you go on the bedroom with him like you're looking for something you know oh oh oh [Music] here oh the [ __ ] bernie yeah why you do me like that you did me like that you were playing with me you did it too you did too [ __ ] grown ups they numbers are big-ass kids kids they number some little [ __ ] adults i don't give a [ __ ] how do you slice it up how you [ __ ] with it we all hypocrites we all liars i'm telling you look at you everybody try to plant you a good person you go to church on sunday so if you forget what the [ __ ] you did on monday you suck nick on saturday night oh you suck a dick you know you suck dick get that chicken head on oh suck right there i had a woman man long time ago a long time ago she was good people you know remember when you were young see now you're older i don't do that kind of [ __ ] no more you know but when i was older man you say man i'm gonna suck your dick man didn't make no difference way to win blue long as i gotta breathe they could be ugly one eye and a [ __ ] middle of their [ __ ] head suck it suck it you better not bite it you better not bite it i had a woman man she was too off the page but she was good people good people her front teeth was it was crack at a 45 degree angle but she were good people she was good people nice person nice person first time she the first time i've ever had in my life man nobody had no business [ __ ] around she was ugly but she was good people like i said she was good people her teeth was jagged like she bit a brick you know i mean she was giving me head man i'm telling man see when you young you don't give a [ __ ] it was killing me my stupid ass wouldn't say nothing you know i'm just letting [ __ ] i had to tell us you're cutting it you're cutting it she with good people though she well you know when some [ __ ] make you laugh man you you sick than the [ __ ] oh man i'm just saying like it is that's why you know one thing that i'm like nah man like black churches black churches get on my [ __ ] earth you know because like church is not man much [ __ ] like like liquor store they don't every [ __ ] corn you know that's like funerals i like white people when you die the next day they through with your head they bury your [ __ ] ain't going about their goddamn business they're right [ __ ] you sitting around black funerals before [ __ ] days you die on friday you got the weight visitation funeral then the [ __ ] barrel full [ __ ] day [ __ ] around this time [ __ ] he can't do [ __ ] [ __ ] me what type of [ __ ] is that some of my [ __ ] 48 the weight i ain't never understood no wait what the [ __ ] black folk be going to the wait for just sitting there coughing 10 feet in front of you looking at this [ __ ] just looking at him and every now and then like he breathing every night and let his mother something wrong and black holes love i don't know about my people there's always somebody in our family love to tell you how [ __ ] died over that old voodoo southern mississippi country ass [ __ ] all we got to tell you how [ __ ] died how you die girl it was raining and thundering lightning and i was upstairs in the room i was rolling my hair and i heard a noise and i said what the [ __ ] is that i went downstairs now look i just saw some leg he was laying on the floor he was there i was so nervous i called 11 9. i ain't slept in three days i'm telling you i never it was raining so hard girl scared the [ __ ] out of me i was rolling my hair i heard a noise and i thought somebody would break it in i got my pistol i walked down there and i caught i said damn it but i ain't here nothing i walked down there there he was laying that dead i never will forget i didn't even get through all of my hat and i heard a noise i said somebody breaking in this [ __ ] you know when i walked downstairs and there he was against the stove him was dead i didn't even get through food in the back of my head i did three rollers and i just heard something i said somebody's gonna fail you know i didn't go down right away but when i went down there i saw his eyes going in the back of his head i said this [ __ ] did girl i'm telling you i threw it on my [ __ ] rollers i just got my hat done earlier that day and i just rolled the top cause she had a new style and i heard some noise and i said well i didn't go right away i said somebody must have gone up the stairs and i went down and i looked i didn't see nobody and i saw him leave laying on the side that [ __ ] was dead i didn't even roll this side of my head i didn't get this i just got the front right here and i heard a noise and i said [ __ ] if you tell that guy their story one more goddamn time i'm gonna hit you all up in your opportunities i'm not [ __ ]

Channel: Walter Latham Comedy

Views: 7,005,250

Keywords: black comedy, funny videos, black comedians, funny, hilarious, Kevin Hart, Dave Chappelle, Chris Rock, Amy Schumer, laugh

Id: FlnppdRl3CM

Length: 27min 17sec (1637 seconds)

Published: Wed Aug 18 2021