Comedy - Red Skelton - Two Highway Patrolmen & Two Texans & Frogs imasportsphile.com

you know i think everybody's so nice here since i've been in town they they can't seem to do enough for me they gave me a big car to drive around a big rolls-royce my wife says let me drive that thing i can stop it on a dime she did but the dime was in the little old man's pocket she's driving the guy steps off the curb and i says give him the right away and she plows right into him what did you do that for you told me to i said give him the right away i thought you said get him right away well we're out driving we're out hey i don't know who laid out these freeways in uh canada but you got to be proud of him over the asylum i'll tell you that well you get on one of them things you want to get off you better be in the right lane at the right time make the right it happened to me because i didn't mind i've never been to kansas city before anyhow anyhow we're driving see and we're going to this gas station you know what i can't understand about a gas station the uh cash box is out in the open the office is out in the open and they lock the give me my restrooms again throw me my hat will you i gotta i got i got a joke for you i got a joke for you you better leave the hat out where's it at he got it again yeah uh-huh you've been in my geritol ain't you i got a joke for you i was going i was driving the other day to avoid an accident i had to pull in front of a lady driver she was very nice about the whole thing said something about the beach i didn't hear what it was why you got a funny beach around here huh this dear little lady she must have been nearsighted she mistook me for a spaniard she called me sebastian i heard that i heard that i had a joke i got a joke for you if you if you've heard this don't stop me because i'm dying to hear it again two highway patrolmen they're driving say one of these officers turned to his buddy and says you realize that we've been on duty all day we haven't given out one ticket he said we nabbed the next car that goes by now it's a big cadillac they tail this guy but he stays in the right lane uses the proper hand signals the directional lights are perfect he stays within the maximum speed so one officer says to his buddy i've never seen anyone from canada drive this carefully before we ought to congratulate that guy so they pull him over says nothing wrong sir nothing wrong just want to congratulate you 35 years i've been on the highway patrol i have never seen anyone from canada drive so carefully this guy says when your croc you got to be careful i'd like to do for you now as you get older in life you uh sort of look back at things i remember a lot of things like i remember when i was a little boy you'd stand on the roadside and something would whiz by it'd be some horse feeling he's oats you know now you stand on the freeway and something whizzes by some jackass with too much grass i heard two texans talking over in the hotel and one of them said he says i like the way they stand see you never know if their thumbs are cold or if they've got gas he says now that we're getting friendly with china tell me do you believe in buddha because i believe in why do you believe in buddha i don't know buddha well buddha's been around a long time i uh i don't know if i believe in buddha or not but uh boot is all right yeah i like buddha i like buddha what the hell i like margarine just as well i play a lot of the colleges and when i was at muncie indiana at ball state university the students got together and they made klim kadiddlehopper a doctor of foolology so at this time we would like to introduce you now to our friend klim kadiddlehopper well sir it's nice to see you folks again it's been a long time since i saw you last i got married i got married i had a military wedding well there were guns there let's put it that way my wife is a lovely lady she's uh she says she's only she's only 21. of course that's 150 for you and me she's very superstitious for instance now she she won't she won't do housework any week that has friday in it yeah since i saw you last i haven't been doing much of anything i never did do much of anything i uh i've been uh helping the boy scouts i tell them how to make them boy scout knots boy i'm a whiz with that everything i see boy i tie a knot in it they made me stop milking you know i i raise rabbits now i raise rabbits these are not ordinary rabbits see through some of these rabbits they've never been outdoors these are ingrown hairs you better start the car boy the way you reacted to that i'm glad i didn't tell you the one i was going to tell you but the little rabbit was going to have an operation but he wouldn't take any anesthetic because he was an ether bunny because you know my my rabbits are smart my rabbits are smart i make them mine i shake a stick at them i say you mind me and i take this stick at him you know the other day i had a couple wouldn't mind me at all so i locked him up in a barn for a few days he'll never do that again either i opened that door i had more rabbits i could shake a stick you can shut the motor off yeah the other day there's a couple of coyotes chased a couple of my rabbits into a uh to a haystack and one rabbit turned to the other and he says we're gonna make a run further stay here and outnumber them he said we're going to make a run for it you idiot we're brothers tonight i would like to recite to you for you rather some poetry that i have writ wrote rotten and uh this poetry here is um the um this poetry is set to the same cadence as rajya kipling's poem boots you've all heard boots you've never heard boots boots boots marching up and down again boots boots in the slush and in the rain cannons and guns firing far beyond the range and there's no silence in the night now you heard it this poem is set to that same cadence but this is instead of boots this is called frogs frogs oh by the way i don't need glasses but i reached the age where curiosity is greater than vanity i just got these i just got these a few days ago my optimus came up to me and he said my eye doctor the optimus there's a guy one brick short of a load too i'll tell you he says to me klim come in get your eyes checked i don't like checked eyes i like them brown like they are i don't know what anybody want with checked eyes it's all right if you're a cab driver i suppose but i wouldn't care for myself this poem is called a frog and it's set to the same cadence here i will uh i've heard it myself i don't care for it i don't mind reading for you but i ain't going to suffer i'll tell you that this is set to that same cadence say a mousetrap i mean maestro uh is he all rehearsed now okay frogs frogs frogs they are everywhere frogs frogs frogs croaking still the air louder louder louder in their blasting blair and earth no silence in the night well you knew i wasn't richard burton when i came out here frog bro croaks heard three miles away five six seven beyond that they say frog frog multiplying more now there's some undertone tittering going on out there so either you hush up or i'll clear the hole about two more verses ought to do it frogs don't get me to laughing you'll never get out of here bro frogs don't try to seek them out frogs frogs frogs hiding all about grab grab grab their throats and ring them out cause there's no silence in the night frogs frogs they're good is only bad flirting flirting flirting on their lily pads mom mom mom says no but you know dad met no silence in the night don't you know the strain frogs frogs please please please refrain and listen there they go again from the earth seems that each day new talent

Channel: Imasportsphile III

Views: 2,888,310

Keywords: comedy, comedians, standup comedy, standup comedians, mime comedy, mime, mime comedians, Red Skelton, Red Skelton Live, Red Skelton standup comedian

Id: NSFucXg-FzQ

Length: 13min 0sec (780 seconds)

Published: Sat Jan 30 2016