Clarkson, May, Hammond Scoreboard Compilation

right the score so here we go uh first of all costs you've got a point for every pound you were under a thousand so james that's 100 for you jeremy 100 250 because your cost 750 quid yes it was then the speed uh you get a point for every second you were faster than the stig or lose one for everyone you were slower james just minus 12 for you minus 20 jeremy minus 72 for me rightly so flamboyance how flamboyantly the drug i've got the judge's results here uh james uh they said you weren't flamboyant you got nothing sorry no points at all um then uh jeremy neither were you no i'm sorry i did a j-turn you put vaseline on the lens we couldn't see it you thought that's rubbish i got a point for driving through the boxes so your tongue fell off i made it this is ridiculous finally the decider arresting the stick okay uh james you got nothing for that what that gives you you didn't get him 88 i got nothing so that gives me 179. you've been building up tension here haven't you because i'm on what am i not you so if i get a hundred for my bodices of one yeah did i no funnily enough you got um 98 which means you get 100. i'm sorry no hang on hang on [Applause] you've eaten it yes i have well since i am not prepared to go through your stools in the mornings of the evidence we have to conclude that the best car for the british police is a suzuki vitara with a doormat on the front and on that blatant lie it's uh luckily children i got better you might not be so lucky yes it's like my penis that grew back yours might not anyway uh let's have a look how we all did uh no real surprises in the scoring until we get to the repair section where i got two hammond got four james you got minus a hundred is that a minus yes come on what else did you expect look you failed to address any of these things the ruined bonnet the crumpled roof door mirror missing all these dents all you did was concentrate all your time on one scratch and it's still here look i ran out of time what you did there was prove what i've said all along polish doesn't work it can't get rid of anything when you ever see the nhs go oh that's a nasty head wound we'll get some tea cut on it it doesn't get rid of anything all he did was end up with a really clean scratch exactly all right all right let's move it on look we've got the lap of crashes uh jeremy you got 121. i got 103. uh hammond you got minus 174. well so conveniently i just happened to get minus exactly the number of points i had yes yes right yes there's no other words you're on naught yeah okay but now now is the big one the handbrake turn now our teenage judges said they were prepared to award up to five points for a really good one well just five points that means i can't possibly win no sorry what's the car doing can i just say squeak you can't stop that happening you see the thing is is this got clobbered here the washer i had that washer and it's blown the fuse and that just is constant been going on since we filmed it in march jeremy clarkson it is now between you and me yes it do like last week yes in the train race so your handbrake turn yes what did you get the girls awarded me nothing why do you do that why can't you just admit that you are turned on by handbrake turds just give in to it just go with this you know this is a man there's nothing else going for you no come on that is what does it but you think we're immature when we do handbrake turns don't you no they claim you have a crisis i bet you any money when cut i'm sorry could somebody can you just this is this is consumer advice shut up this is also consumer advice happening the door handles come off can you go in there and make that noise please stop can you open the door just can you turn the key yes [Music] come on you're turned on now anyway i got naught yes and that means that means you are now oh three points behind me so if you got four the girls gave you four they did didn't they they did what did they give you nothing yes i am victorious [Music] think about it think what you're applauding because what we're saying then what we're saying is the best car the best car for a 17 year old is a beige volvo estate with a broken back window yeah that's what my children are getting be assured anyway that is the end uh if you are a lorist and you are going to have an accident there's a choice of something to hit avoid anything with bricks in it yeah always swerve and go for the big pile of mineral water yes that's a safer bet anyway look we have done a scoreboard it's all it's it's hopeless to be honest and massively complicated but the upshot of it is this i got 60 points hammond you got minus 25 and jeremy you got a gear lever in his bottom a gear lever in the bottom and minus 3560. why did i get that you just did whatever we have proved we have proved that the scania p94d is the best truck in britain today and next week we have more lorizon in fact because we've been to america to test some muscle cars let's put the score shall we uh how we're doing obviously you get uh one point for every ten or under a thousand so james you've got a half you've got naught i got 55 for that uh calendars that's naught naught naught uh overtaking okay ready james you were minus 203 richard yes it did well minus 178. right and me even though i got that forward okay did spend quite a lot of time in the pit so i was minus 200 and ah well done bit disappointing but don't worry we're going to pick this up later on and all will be well anyway it's now time to get the scores from the judges james what did you get out of a possible 150 74 74 that's nearly a pass now i got 23 and a half yeah which was the lowest score ever recorded in concourse history yeah until i came along what did you get i got nine nine nine nine points so here we go these are the totals james you are minus one two nine and a half agreed yep one two nine and a half richard you are minus one six nine and i'm minus one two seven and a half and so for the first time since what that the cheat card challenge about three years ago i've actually won something and it gets better because as a prize the producers have said you get to keep that 75 and use it as your car for a whole year and do you know something honestly as a car lover i can't think of anything i'd like more there is only one way we can settle this so what i've got here is a list of famous people who in the past have owned ford zephyr with a chrome nose elton john liberace dick emery remember who you are awful better like you and james may but they all have in common um what you're trying to say is that because i've got a core niche i must buy association have a wardrobe full of spangly jumpsuits is that that's it yes okay spangly man fair enough let's have a look at the bigs famous former owners they are is max mosley on that list no it's worse it's worse look armen brezhnev ceausescu tito hoxer hussein castro clerk hirohito pot tongue and elvis presley an impressive list is an impressive list but if your theory is correct that means you're either going to murder millions of people or you're going to die on the bot trying to get 500 cheeseburgers out of your poo shoot so really it comes down to a simple choice camp or camp commandant exactly anyway now anyway now we've got to do some totting up we've got the charts over here i've got a pen uh now these are the this is what we paid for the cars um we were given a hundred pounds if we could get to the top secrets test track yes on the a5 without any mechanical problems yeah i didn't do that no i didn't do that i didn't do that no so that's no pounds to us for that the power test against the datsun nothing no nothing no with no naught there coming back uh the handbrake test i didn't do that either no there's a sad moment that but it wasn't no pounds back for you i did you did that's a hundred pounds thank you and i did it as well uh well i mean we never we never saw you do it if you say you did it then jeremy you did it absolutely so it's a hundred pounds back to me yeah uh the the egg test an important test yeah now i had four grams of egg left but i lost two trim pieces so that's i'm 20 pounds up 20 pounds up for jade well done uh i had four grams left and i lost two trim pieces one of them was quite large i admit but nevertheless 20 pounds up richard i had no egg left at all and six trim pieces fell off so um i'm 60 pounds yeah minus minus 60 now that's not going well for the dolly really you're let down for bmw now the water test yeah now this we got 20 pence for every yard you covered you did 1500 yards yes so uh that's um it's three hundred pounds you're halfway three hundred i was just i'm right on the tip of my tongue three hundred for him uh yes three hundred pounds back well done uh you did i did four thousand five hundred yards which i think you'll find is 900 pounds oh well done 900 pounds that's better than going on the weakest link 900 pounds and you did 10 yards 2 pounds yeah every little helps um okay so let's tot it up let's see how we did uh okay so richard you are 1010 pounds uh out of pocket that's minus i'm 978 pounds out of pockets well done and james you are you're 20 pounds in the black oh brilliant james is the winner you you have proved you've proved to the producers of the show you've proved to the nation and indeed the world that british leyland did make a good car and here it is a beige austin princess with a brown vinyl roof yeah yeah britain made a good car [Applause] and on that bombshell it is time to add up the scores and see who's won yeah now we've already filled in the scores for the drag race the loading and the thief test the tailgating knows where it gets tricky you get a point for every centimeter under every centimeter under 10 centimeters right so i was minus a half uh richard you were nine and james you were minus four million yeah what hang on a minute i lose four million points for not tailgating that's exactly right and you don't get anything for the door challenge because you are still naming all your spanners and you won that one that was me i won the door hang on you put that on with gaffer tape you can't the whole british army is held together with gaffa it didn't open and if something doesn't open it's not a door he's right it did open it didn't it did when it fell off you can't claim that all right who here thinks jeremy won with the door who thinks jeremy won that hands up who thinks i won fitting my door on with bolts everybody one for me you're lost you did you're lost fair enough i'm not sure plenty more groudon where we have three so you get three and you get no you're gloating naught man and i get two uh now the police chase that would be a big three for me james you did well two and you won one your van rolled over i could have been killed so you'd have still lost exactly exactly and now we've got to add these up so it's five six five and a half seven and a half ten and a half okay richard three four wait a minute four stretches isn't it twenty okay and james you're two three four five six seven three million i'm sorry minus three million nine hundred and ninety nine thousand nine hundred and ninety three yeah is what you've scored it didn't go well for you did it you're not going well however there was one more challenge because the producers told us to put a man with a van type ad in a newspaper each and then we would each get one point for every response we got from our ad yes we did so james what was your advert my ad was man with van ldv convoy with fully functioning automatic door system driven by steady sensitive classically trained pianist nice that's good remember it's one point for each reply oh yeah chance for you to claw back some points here james how many replies none right so you're pretty much out okay richard you're at wall well my ad ran like this driver with van surprisingly spacious would suit anyone who lives at very narrow street speedy delivery guaranteed thanks to f1 style mid-engined layout which it's got which it has no denying that how many replies one one so you actually now get 21 i think this man with a van malak is not as well paid as we might have said brilliant not really so come on let's see mine oh yeah very quickly very simple man with van classic ford transit well ventilated it had no door on it uh willing driver slightly bad back right okay so let me just work this out a minute so if you hammon's in the lead but if you get more than ten and a half replies yeah you'll have one yeah eleven and a half yeah eleven and a half replies and you got [Applause] yes all future van tests in future will be done by you you don't want to yeah and i'm going to do the supercars from now on although that is a way off because this is the last program in the series hold that minute well i've done a quick chart of how we're performing so far we aren't i'm not performing right economy three points to me most economical obviously followed by hammond 2 u1 top speed it's the other way around you're the fastest three points two for you and one for me the slowest now value you get a point for every pound you save under the two thousand pound budget but you lose a point for every pound you go over it okay so i am winning that my card was 800 pounds i score 1200 u minus 65 000. i think there's something wrong with him 600 645. i can't write on a vertical surface okay let's have a writing competition you lose yeah well but that's not in it on your car you lose uh minus forty eight thousand two thousand fifty thousand miles hang on have you included his optional windscreen don't encourage it is that optional it's an optional windscreen how much is it 1500 quid minus 1500. that's interesting which is minus minus is a plus which is very riveting but it's irrelevant it's not irrelevant it's like saying jeremy you lost to manchester united yesterday i wasn't there and i wasn't taking part you are taking part in this i'm not yes you are just because you can't be bothered and you've done it wrong you're losing catch up here you've got fires extinguished water capacity you can still claw it back for the total but at the moment mate you're losing fire's extinguished so far i've done two hold on hold on hold on let's have a look at the final scores on my water damage scoreboard no no there's no point you get minus a million because that was the cost of the real fiber good that had to come and i get plus a million for winning everything no hang on the only reason your doors to manual addy beat the magnificent nomad is that you fed the finishing line's cat and because it was faster and better in every way it is a superb car that tt but you can't have one because of the air hostess no because i've driven three examples of it now and every single one it's had squeaky breaks you can hear it in the film and drives you mad no that's that's unforgivable you can't have one and the scoring this is where we are okay the first of our test uh was a high speed run amazingly james jack fern square won that one it won the second which was the ride with the wet laps if you remember that then the alpine course at that point things took a bit of a turn for the worse for the jag it very much lost that then we come to fuel economy this was on the run from millbrook where we were to oxford the target was 20 mpg okay points for over points deducted for under that my bmw did it in 20 i did 21 mpg so i believe i gain a point so that's plus one for me jeremy you did the light official you see seven who believes that yeah well that's what it did seventeen so you lose three so that's minus three for jc yeah but then we get to james's jack james what is your jam what eight eight eight miles [Applause] so that's -12 for you then we come to reliability uh this was again points knocked off every time you break down now jeremy amazingly nothing went wrong so that's uh no thank you i like the booing i like that that's good uh now i did have one i have to confess break like failure i like that so that's uh minus minus one and then obviously james had pipe minus minus five five he never even made it to oxford i mean i get right naught for reliability i buy a car with no mechanical force at all and school you don't lose any i lost one james that's the rules it's the same it's minus 35 for buying a car with a manual gearbox how fast i lose 35 points from a wet crotch yeah can that be fair how can that be fair i'm sorry is that fair what i lose i end up with a wet crotch and 35 points off it's the same rules this is pathetic it's like manchester united fa cup playing arsenal last week they were better than arsenal for 90 minutes then their lives on penalties that's the rules that's right medical procedures now uh i performed two of those you get seven points for each one so i've got 14 points richard hammond you actually performed three so you get 21 points uh no i've got a minute i did four because i did the intestines the catheter the drip and i did the airway yeah but you weren't asked to do the airway yes but i did it we could have done a breast enlargement it wouldn't have made any difference to your point you were asked to do three things you did then stop moaning what did i get yeah well this is the interesting thing because you i'm afraid got naught oh that's because i was rather transfixed by my patients it went around one corner it nearly went in my mouth yes let's move on to value uh richard hammond yours was the most expensive can you believe it well difficult but uh you get naught jeremy clarkson yours was very slightly cheaper so you get five mine was very much cheaper at just 1800 pounds i get ten ten points okay moving on now sirens yep mine but it was rubbish really i confessed it was yeah it was um so i get naughty it's childish and rubbish um jeremy yours didn't work no he didn't did it was a child this just didn't work um james um you're you get minus 406. one for that one how do you work that out well because not only was your siren inaudible but it doesn't actually say ambulance on the front of your envelope yes it does it doesn't it doesn't because look you've written the word backwards but you've got the letters the right way around still it's yes i know but yeah but the shot where i went didn't have back to front ambulance yes lettering yes and as a result of that you are now on exactly minus a thousand that's incredible incredible maths but there we are it doesn't matter i'm going to claw something back here um we were given another challenge which i have here let me read it out for you okay the reason why middle-aged men such as you that would be us by porsches is because they're having a mid-life crisis each of you must place an ad in a lonely hearts column and you will refer to the car you've bought five points for each reply so james why don't you read out your advertisement that you placed genuinely in wherever it was 41 year old man with sensitive hair drop 41 year old man with sensitive hair drives porsche 944 lux seeks brewery air s or similar must have liberal attitude to motorcycle components in the bath and how many advice did you get well three actually three replies right so that's 15 points okay uh hammond well my advert went like this porsche 924 owner got it in first uh good looking mild-mannered snappy dresser five foot eleven would like to live five point eleven mild-mannered it's a lonely hearts out if i put angry short bloke i won't get in pick it up so how many replies did you get none so that would be a big fat naughty for you but what about you my ad uh porsche 928 driver that's the v8 one did you actually put that's the v8 yeah look there that's the v8 okay tall slim hips um likes books with speed boats on the cover we'd like to meet someone for friendship maybe more can i just point out do you know where he put that he put that in the men seeking men column [Applause] frankly a moment of genius that because i recognize that men would like the v8 thing but did they yep got two replies for me okay right our researchers worked out how much fuel was used on the manchester run 30 mpg was the target for every mile to the gallon over that you get a point for every mpg under it you lose a point right i have the results of the economy run the volvo 20 miles to the gallon giving jeremy a score of minus 10. the rover 23 miles to the gallon giving richard a score of minus seven and the audi a remarkable 35 miles to the gallon giving me five points yes now i have just been told that we're also going to be tested on reliability we're going to lose a point for every time the bonnet had to be lifted which means none there for you james none for me and minus another one for jeremy okay so the result uh richard's rover went around in one minute 42 seconds so that is eight seconds under the one minute 50 target that means eight points james's audi was four seconds under the target a 146 so he gets four points and my volvo 148 so that's two points this is a plus it's a plus right brakes now then james is audi pulled up in 40 yards which is 20 under the highway code stopping distance which means he gets 20 points then my rover stopped just in 48 yards which means i get 12 points and then amazingly jeremy's volvo as an advertisement for the advantages of anti-lock brakes stopped in 34 which means he gets a very handy 26 points right enough the results richards rover three faults giving him minus three points my audi minus four points and jeremy's volvo back on form with minus 12. now it's time for the final test okay so your car worked great but you didn't because i have managed to secure this x-ray now what do you think that is jeremy it's an x-ray of a ham it is more specifically your hand after that crash that crash at 40 miles an hour whatever the important thing is this bit look the thumb it's broken no it isn't it is you broke your thumb james is that broken it's broken it's chipped look if a teacup is chipped my mother would say it's broken absolutely it's broken it is jeremy accept it you broke your thumb that's five points off so minus five which brings your score if i'm right after all that we've just done two naught no points at all but there is one challenge left and it is the big one it is the cost now we earn a point for every pound we've saved from our original 100 pound budget jeremy you have no points you're out of it i've got 25 hammond you've got 10 so 15 quid either way could swing this yep are you ready yep i have the receipt for my car okay here come on tell me tell me and i spent 75 pounds right 75 pounds so if i can be 15 pounds under that i'm i've i spent 80 pounds which means james is ahead oh no which means jeremy unless you've got your car for about 10 quid james is going to be the winner oh no [Applause] [Applause] i should have i should have misspelled m3 in the tagline bit on the internet 3m no if i'd spelled it angelina jolie topless more hits than both of you put together but i didn't anyway anyway we then did an economy run uh from germany to poland sadly there isn't time tonight to show you that the upshot was though james ran out of petrol therefore you get minus to 141. hang on what i've got minus exactly what i already had yes yeah that's that's the rules that happened to him once he did that is the rules your minus 141 so you're currently on naught uh i get 10 for that because i won in the ford thanks to its two liter engine and you get five for coming second yeah which means we have just one final challenge something to do with price i have it here so this is like a two horse race now isn't it it's either you or me he's gonna win this oh absolutely he is completely out he's so here we go you get one point for every pound your car was under the 5 000 pound budget so hang on mine cost 3 990 pounds so i get 1010 points there look at that that's that's i like that go on how much did yours cost 4999. which means clearly i win that thank you very who was much to get the price i would have got 500 out of one those are the rules and i win thank you i'm delighted [Applause] i'm sorry if i may just take that from you and ask you to stand to one side because my car was two thousand nine hundred and ninety pounds meaning i have two thousand and ten points straight away there which i think you will find makes me the winner are we honestly going to say on the world's biggest motoring show to 350 million people that the best track day car is a slow rusty wobbly wheeled small economical piece of junk yes right delivery systems now mine it didn't really didn't really work did it no well it the door didn't work one time and they fired a man through a window the second time that's definitely good yeah that did happen um james you didn't actually have a patient to deliver so i'm afraid you get uh minus 10 for that oh no all gone wrong yeah uh jeremy yours did work it did so you get five points right so hang on a minute hang on hang on hang on this is close not with you obviously james but i am only now i'm only three points behind you and we arrive at this bit okay this is the condition of the patient when you arrived or i say he the she whatever it was arrived at the hospital so here we go james may yes uh your patient condition was missing presumed dead yeah yeah yeah north right naught uh the condition of hammond's patient dead right not um and the condition of my patient your patient jeremy was alive and so i score one one it's not for dead one for alive i was the only one of the three of us who got a patient to a hospital alive and that matters yes and that's why you got that point so you're saying that because i only get one point i that means i now lose to rick you even though your van was slow expensive its brakes caught fire every time he tried to slow down and it killed everybody who got into the back of it and the only reason you won is because you happen to be good at putting the tube in a ladyboys sausage yep which means that you richard hammond have single-handedly ruined the national health service yep the scorch this course here we go so after all of that after the elevenses and his tibetan squiggle was disqualified no points there this is where we stand with the scores james and i are separated by just two points on 27 and 29 then there is a bit of a gap he's struggling minus 122. everything to play for here and really it kind of depends on how much we got when we sold the car so james how much did you sell you 9.44 for 1 400 pounds well done so you lose uh yeah you lost a hundred pounds so that's a hundred points off there so that puts you on minus 73 minus 73 so what about you i haven't really no i haven't sold it haven't or couldn't bit of both i suspect nobody would buy it from you so well the point is i think i'm about to lose 1 500. so i i that's not good so that's this is a great moment 1471. i think that means i'm probably out of it the only consolation is your credit second i sold mine for 1 800 pounds nobody bought that heap of junk i'm sorry i don't believe i'm the winner thanks to my genius because i realized i couldn't actually sell the car as a car because technically it sort of wasn't anymore so i sold it in bits what i sold it as spares i got 1200 pounds for like the wings and the doors and that was a bit short so what i did what i did well you're not gonna believe it okay are you ready for this ready yes and i've sold these already they're pre-sold six hundred quid look at this car turned your car into a living room yes he this is very complicated he had done he was on -35 so in other words if he's done okay yeah if you've done eight laps more than him in the four hours you win so i've got i've done 88 laps you could have done 88 laps you did yes [Applause] go on at this point you normally pull out some preposterous trick to show that you've won and tonight ladies and gentlemen is no different i have in fact it's over it isn't over you're on it no okay look into this camera here james see this one here now how many people watch top go around the world now about quarter of a billion quarter of a billion people you stand there and tell all those people that the best cheap car you can buy is a v12 car made by communists i'll say that no no i didn't say that people of the world no you can't the fact of the matter is as you both well know the best car there was the stereo no we'll admit that yours is the best car and that you won if you'll admit that you're a clot and you ruined your car okay that's all right [Applause] okay what we've got here is the scoreboard that'll help us determine which is the best of the small hot hatches we've already filled in the scores for price the pursuit race and the drag race now we've got the paparazzi thing hammond how did you get on well you two put the pap in a bag didn't you well we do but actually we should sell those bags to celebrities you should cause they're rather clever you pull a drawstring and not only can't you take any pictures you can't get out of the car yes it's also technically false imprisonment yes trapping a wasp in a jam jar nobody complains about that do they yes well anyway it didn't work because obviously there must have been another pap that we didn't spot because this picture appeared no no no no no no no no wait a minute the rules said it had to have the car in it and i don't see the car in that picture it also said mail online and i'm guessing there's some evidence to suggest that is the sun yeah so i hoped you wouldn't spot that yeah we did i i didn't do very well i think that gives you a uh a zero hammond yeah so you get a zero now james may how did you get on taking the older woman out for a curry in hammersmith and then parking your car in an underground car park um not that well actually how not that well naught not that well okay that's a single thing my plan was rather successful was it 49 pictures appeared of my car and me and binky in the mail online 29 49 pictures hang on a minute 49 pictures of a fat old bloke and a young girl i've never heard of changing a wheel i know and the extraordinary thing is i'd like to show you the 49 pictures but got in touch with the mail online yesterday okay to say can we have the pictures do you want to know how much they're going to charge a hundred and twenty-two thousand pounds i kid you not they take a picture of me they ruined my life and then for me to buy the picture back is a hundred and twenty two thousand pounds there are forty nine pictures i don't know don't show the cameras otherwise there'll be a bill for 120 grand but the good thing is exactly because of that you score forty nine there's no yes i do which moves us onto instagram okay james may how did you do with your picture on the bus um i scored naught naught yeah nobody get naught well it's quite interesting see i didn't have an instagram account so i set one up no but i set one up and then as i was setting it up i realized there was someone else on instagram pretending to be me so i filled in that reporting thing that pulls down you know i sent it off and all credit to instagram they reacted very quickly by that afternoon in fact and they shut me down yeah they didn't shut down the fake james bay they shut the real one down they killed the wrong james man yeah okay well that's quite interesting what's interesting me though is there's a man somewhere out in the world or woman who's thought i could pretend to be anyone i like i shall pretend to be james may i know it's not very ambitious george clooney i know but anyway the net result of that as they say in the army is that i have naught you're doing very well yeah so hammond how did you get on well my picture was brilliant look at it it's out look at that no that is apart from the slogan with the sexual that is an amazing photograph granted so how many people have viewed it and liked it on instagram nine no they blocked you as well nine no you see i don't really do instagram so i don't have many followers so only nine people have seen it oh dear cause i got fifty four thousand oh no yes but you do do instagram yes i do so you got lots of yeah hang on a minute let's look at this in a more positive light habit he has got 1.6 million instagram followers yes so 1.46 million people actively didn't like his picture that's a good way of looking that's a loser wasn't the best work i admit it was a hurried shot what was it 54 000. that does change the score lineup a lot because i'm now on 54 053 right and you're on one yeah anyway i also it gets worse i'm afraid for you to because youtube i didn't add them all up but my first david souffle video on youtube 266 000 views more than a quarter of a million people you are ahead now oh yes i'm just comfortably in the lead i would say yes so come on 16 800. what for all that effort i know it's i don't get it either because i gave it a really cool tempting caption it said look epic street fight broken up by ryan gosling and channing tatum whilst prince philip tightrope walks between two cars he doesn't want to look at that you actually put that as the capture that's what it said and then the youtube millennials thought now i'd rather watch a cat going that's ridiculous that is i'm sorry that is perfect young people you're pathetic right so there we are those are the scores at the moment you're out yes and james i'm looking and i'm thinking i'm just a quick adding up unless you manage to find 325 000 people who are prepared to spend 16 minutes because that's how long that unboxing video was 16 minutes watching you taking a small toyota hatchback out of a cardboard box only one yes so 330 a thousand how does he always manage to win well i think on this occasion it was partly because you tried to appeal to millennials by creating a fast show type character where nobody under 40 has ever heard of the fast shot no that's exactly right you might as well have done the comedy adventures of neville chamberlain in 1939 that would have been better so because there are more people who'd rather watch an old man take a small car out of a box then watch him endangering office junior or me wearing a moustache we have to deduce that the best of these small hot hatchbacks is comfortably the worst yeah that is our conclusion yeah and on that terrible disappointment it's time to end thank you so much for watching see you next time goodbye nevermind though it does at least give us time to knock up a scoreboard and see who bought the best car so jeremy yes now in the uh naught to 100 and then naught again test james set the benchmark so he gets zero uh i got uh minus 281 and how many do you got minus a thousand i didn't even take part that's why you get minus a thousand now forensics you get ten points off for every disgusting thing that was found in your car now mine was crisps leaves and bits of my own skin so that's not really disgusting to talk it's not james you were mucus scabs and saliva so you're -30 ham and you now let's get this straight you were saliva blood yeah but there was no mucous no mucous but there wasn't pubic hair so that's minus 30 and then poo yeah and that's a thousand so that's that's why do i get it minus a thousand for poo because poo is really disgusting you're obviously going to get minus a thousand for that yeah we don't make the rules happen now at the thief test jeremy jeremy your car wasn't stolen so you get naught yeah my car wasn't stolen so i get naught hammond your car was stolen yes um and you get minus a thousand how did you get to that because it just is it's scientific this lap times you get minus now the gas test uh let's just get this straight no gas escape from my car so i got not no gas escape from your client james so that's not all of the gas escape from yours so that's minus let me guess yes you want it's minus a thousand is it is it really yes it is now the restoration test here you lose a point for every pound it would take to get your car back to showroom condition now i as you would expect did best at this so i am minus 5 500 points hammond you are minus 7 000 yeah 500 points clarkson um but you anyway right so what have you got james well i've one obviously yeah it's a given um you are minus minus uh 11 000 to 293.1 minus two thousand eleven thousand two hundred and ninety three point one so hammond this is ten minus eleven thousand [Applause] all identical cars aren't necessarily identical some of them do have pubic hairs in them and two richard hammond who buys more used cars than any man alive is useless at buying used cars and on that bombshell it's their time to work out which of these cars is best and we begin with the getting out of luca challenge now uh jeremy i believe you arrived first yep that's on the wall so you get 10 points good uh hammond you were second yes so you get five points and i of course was last so i only get two points however the producers have said that any man who loses his car in the city is actually disqualified so uh uh hammond you finished first so you get 10 points i was second so i get five james you will last so you get two however because your ice cube had melted i'm afraid you lose a point for that so you actually only get one fair enough interestingly enough though uh hammond the producers said that because your dog wasn't real that is minus two points minus two yes and uh also because your cedar tree turned out to be a large that's another minus two yeah and finally you didn't get a cd so that's minus oh let me guess is it six yes it is is it six and two two it's not yes yes people in the car uh james you got 12. i got 13 in the uh citroen and you get no i got 14 for that what i've got 14 in it no unfortunately the producers have said that because your people weren't actually in your convertible they were sort of on it you were disqualified oh for god's sake naught uh now the big one the lap times hammond well i did it in the field in two minutes 20 seconds oh two minutes 21. close oh this is tricky oh well i've got to look please now haven't i without being smug yeah you're not pulling that off go on so i get 10 points do you uh wait a minute you get well it can't be naught this time can it i'll finish you get five and you get i'm afraid lost again so that's another two okay so let's toss up the totals jeremy you have uh 38 excellent 14 15. i've got 17 and hammond i'm afraid you have five no you see he doesn't really no because the producer said it was a test of hot hatchbacks and you must have a points deduction for turning up in a car that wasn't a hatchback really how many points does he lose for that it's five is it really is it really so so i get naught again yes and on that bombshell now genuinely we have absolutely no idea at this stage which one of the cars has won it so we need someone from the audience you're near us could you just come and help us out here could you please reveal for us now the time done by the bmw zed four good morning it's a good solid time it was not good it was awful time okay and now the porsche box to 137.3 to beat 137 yes you're in the lead at the moment you're already out of it as i predicted probably ran out of fuel okay here we go [Applause] that's it

Channel: Mustang150

Views: 2,399,606

Keywords: top, gear, the, grand, tour, Jeremy, Clarkson, James, may, Richard, Hammond, scoreboard, score, board, chart, scorechart, compilation, funny, moments, montage, budget, cheap, car, cars, challenges, bmw, Porsche, coupe, ambulance, season, series, episode

Id: n_aOsAUxywc

Length: 51min 20sec (3080 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 29 2021