- Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you so much, and please lower your expectations. No, I am so happy that
you guys are here, man. Thank you for coming out! It's so very cool that I'm doing an audio recording for
public distribution. That is what an album is. Most people don't know
what an album is anymore, because an album when I
was a kid was something that you cleaned your weed on and-- And for me it was even
weird because the album was Houses of the Holy by Led Zeppelin. And other black kids were
just like, "What is that?" So, it's very cool. But the cool thing about a comedy album is the fact that it is audio, and audio is theater of the mind, which is so great because the
people listening right now, because there are people
listening to us right now, and they cannot tell that I actually have my dick out. I just want to thank you
people for laughing at my dick, because it's out right
now and you're laughing, but that is how comfortable
I am with myself. Yes, it's gonna be that kind of show. Right now some of you are
looking at me like, "My God. "He started off with a dick-out joke. "That is insane." But it is good, I'm so
happy that you are here and joining me on a
beautiful spring night, or whatever the fuck we
call this season now. Because I don't know
what to call it anymore. But see, this is what
people don't understand about what I call
human-caused climate chaos, they call it climate change, but that's what climate change is about; you don't know what the fuck you gon get. Seriously, it's just like, you know, spring is no longer spring, it's "spruh." You know what I mean? Because it's just like, you know, you get one day might be
warm, the next day cold. Next day it's warm, next day cold rain. And that happens. That is a result of climate change, and that's what people don't understand, that that's what it's really gonna do. It's just gonna fuck up your seasons. You know? And the funny thing is right
now we are in the second, this is the second year in a
row where this has happened. Okay, if you remember
last year in New York, like the spring never really happened, and people lost their mind. I mean people just lost it, just like, "Oh, my God, it's so cold! "What happened to spring? "We should've had a spring! "We're being cheated out of spring!" And the funny thing is at the end of that protracted cold, wet weather period we had five days of 90 degree temperatures, and people lost their shit! They were just like,
"Oh, my God, it's so hot! "What happened to spring? "It just went from winter to summer! "We didn't even have a spring! "We should've had a spring!" - That is too much. - Look at that, people
are already reminiscing. People are reminiscing like, "I was there! "We didn't have a spring! "I actually was there!" But at the end of those five
days, they changed my life. Those five days changed my life. Because of those five days I
absolutely love hot weather, and I mean I like it hot,
and I don't mean just hot, I like it oppressive. I'm talking 98 degrees
with 98% humidity hot. That's the kind of hot I like. I like it so hot that brothers from Africa leave their house in Brooklyn like, "Oh, my God, I've got to go home. "It is far too hot. "What is this bullshit?" So I will never forget at
the end of those five days it was a Friday and I had a
live television appearance, and whenever you go on
TV, no matter who you are, they have to put makeup on you, and for some reason the makeup artist always explained to the men, never to the women but to the men, that they have to put makeup on you. You know, I don't know, maybe men are that fucking
homophobic, you know, that they're just like, "Oh,
don't paint me with gay." But that's not me, I love makeup, okay? It makes me look better. I wish I could wear it every day. I really don't care, you know what I mean? So then she comes over and she goes, "So we're gonna put some makeup on you. "But don't worry, you're
still gonna look like you." I was like, "I already look like me." She's like, "Yes, I know. "But we're just gonna
put some powder on you "and take the shine off, but don't worry. "You're still gonna look like you." I was like, "Maybe I
don't wanna look like me. "Maybe I wanna step this shit up. "Do something different like a smoky eye or a coral lip. "Don't limit me, bitch, make me beautiful. "Beyonce can't be the only one." But she didn't do that. She just put some powder
on me and I looked like me. It was very disappointing. But after the appearance they
had a car waiting for me, and I don't know if you know,
but 30 Rock is, you know, in midtown Manhattan, and
I was like, "Fuck that. "I'm not getting in a
car in midtown Manhattan "at five o'clock on a Friday. "I'll get home on Tuesday." Okay, now I know who lives in New York. Everybody who laughed lives in New York because you know you do not do that. You never get in a car at five o'clock on a Friday in midtown Manhattan. You don't do that, you
do what New Yorkers do, you take the subway, you know? And so that's what I
did, I went downstairs. I was like, "Hey man, listen, yeah, I'm Chuck, "so I'm not gon get into the car "because I want to get home this century. "So do me a favor. "Just tell them that you took me "wherever you said you gotta
take me so you can get paid, "but I'm gonna take the subway." and he goes, "Are you sure? "It's very hot." And that should've been a sign to me, but instead I go like this, "Yes, I am sure." Because for whatever
reason I speak to people in whatever accent they speak to me. Like, I think it's because
I've been living in New York for too long, you know what I mean? There's just so many accents, like, you just start mirroring the accent without even knowing that
you're mirroring the accent. Like, even if I'm at a restaurant and the waiter comes
over and he's just like, "Hello, I am Henri, I
will be your waiter." And I'm just like, "Hello, I am Charles. "I will be eating the
shit you are bringing me." But he goes, "You're okay?" And I go, "I'm okay." And so if you know 30 Rock, 30 Rock, the subway station is directly
under the station, right? So literally I turn from the car and walk down into the subway, and it's 6,800 fucking degrees. Because that's what happens in New York after five days of 90 degree temperatures. The subway just becomes a
little Easy Bake oven of shame. You go in it and it smells like anger took a piss on frustration. And I'm like, "Oh, my
God, what have I done? "I just left a chauffeur-driven, "air conditioned limousine to crawl into Satan's asshole. "What the hell is wrong with me?" But I'm standing on the
subway platform and my God, it is so hot, and I am sweating profusely, and I'm like, "Oh, my God, it is so hot! "And we didn't even have a spring!" "We should've had a spring!" And so I go into my bag
because I am sweating like I have never sweated
before in my life. It was like I was showering
from the inside out. Like, my clothes are wet, I am dripping sweat,
and I'm standing there, so I go into my bag and I
pull out a wad of napkins, which are white, forgetting
that I'm wearing the makeup, and I mop my brow and the white napkins immediately turned brown and
people are looking at me. So I decide to have some fun with it. I'm just mopping my brow and looking at the napkins like, "Oh!" Now even more people are looking at me. So I'm playing it up, I'm just like, "Ah, ah!" And the white people on the platform were like, "My God, it is hot. "That negro is melting!" And that's why I like it fucking hot. I love this city when
it gets warm, you know? This is a very walkable city. I love walking in New York when it's warm because it's like a little circus. You know what I mean? You get your own little show. You know what I mean? I don't care where you are in New York, if you're walking around this city you get your own little show. I was on Canal Street yesterday and there was a guy in an evening gown... And a cowboy hat. And I was like, "You were
born 20 years too late, "because all you need right
now is some roller skates "and I could get you a date." It's a great city to walk, man. That's all there is to it. I had a true New York moment last week. True New York moment. I am walking up 3rd Avenue and there's a blind guy
standing on the corner and he's just saying out into the air, "Someone help me, someone please
help me, someone help me." And as I walked by him
I thought to myself, "Somebody ought to help that dude. "This man seems very serious
about his need for help." But then the moment got the better of me. I was like, "Aw, let me go over here. "I know I'm gonna regret this. "Let me see what the fuck he needs." So I walk over to him and I'm just like, "What is it, man? "What do you need?" And he's like, "I can't see the traffic. "The lights don't beep. "I'm just trying to get to
the other side of the street." Right, exactly. I was like, "God damn!" New York is a tough city! Like, a blind guy can't
even get across the street? Because you know what
New Yorkers are doing. New Yorkers are so busy they're just like, "I'm late, he can't see me, I'm good." I know, some of y'all groaning, but y'all walk by that motherfucker too. So I said to him, "Yo man, take my arm. "I'ma get you to the
other side of the street." Because I'm a good person. So he takes my arm and we start
walking across the street, and halfway across shit got weird. He leans over to me and he says, "Say, you're not black, are you?" Now some of y'all are groaning,
I can understand that. I almost had that same reaction. I almost had that same reaction, but then a little voice inside of me said, "You're a comedian. "Let's see where this shit goes." So I said, "I didn't know
that would make a difference." And he goes, "It doesn't, I'm blind. "I don't even know what black is." Which to me was fucking hilarious, and I'm thinking to
myself, "Only in New York. "Only in New York can you
do a Boy Scout good deed "like help a blind guy across the street "only to have him break
your fucking balls." Not thank you, he pranks you. So I start laughing
and he's like, "Oh man. "I'm so glad that you laughed at that "because last week I said that to a woman "and she was like, 'No, I'm
not black, so you're okay.'" Absolutely. Now that was the right response. That's the exact right response, because if you would've responded like, "I see what she's saying." Might have a little problem with you. And then he says, "So I said to her, "'You racist bitch!'" And now I'm thinking, "Oh, my God. "This is the coolest blind dude
I have ever met in my life. "I fucking love this! "Move over, Stevie Wonder,
this is the blind guy for me! "This is my blind guy!" And we were like having a little party in the middle of the street. I'm laughing, he's
laughing, I let go of him. I slap him on the back,
he gets hit by a car. And then I had to run because
it looked like a black guy just pushed a blind guy into fucking traffic. I don't know who started that
applause break, but thank you. Because that was the end of the joke, and it's funny because like, you know, sometimes you get half an
applause break on a joke, and like that's the worse
thing that can happen to a comedian is the
half of applause break, you know what I mean? Because an applause break
is like something extra, you know what I mean? It's just like you look at the joke and the comedian and you
go, "That was clever. "That doesn't just deserve my laughter. "I think an ovation is in order." And some people just are like, "No, make him earn it. "Too soon, that wasn't good enough." Like my father. Sorry, that was a little flashback. But that is the worse thing
you could do to a comedian. Like, if you ever start to applaud, just applaud, you know
what I mean? Because the, Like, giving a comedian
half an applause break is like almost giving a woman an orgasm. - No, no, no, no! - Okay, now I know the women
that that has happened to. Because I can't see who did that, but somebody just went, "No! "No!" By the way, fellas, every woman in this room
has been in that position where they have almost had an orgasm. All the men are looking
at me right now like, "What is he talking about?" Because there has never been a man that has almost had an orgasm. No man has ever been in that position where they're just like, "Okay... "What you wanna do? "You wanna go get something to eat or..." Giving a woman an almost orgasm is like offering a woman a ride home and then a block-and-a-half from her house you're like, "All right, bitch. "Nah, fuck it, I can see
your house from here. "You can make it on your own. "You can make it on your own! "I'm done, I'm done!" I'm very happy that it is getting warm, because the only drawback
to warm weather for me is that I have to take
my children to the park, and there they constantly remind me of just how much I do not like them. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids. I would die for any of them. I don't like these fuckers. There's a difference because
children are unlikeable. I don't care what anybody says. Children are unlikeable, okay? I'm not talking about your adult child that you have cultivated because you took them through the process. I'm talking about children, because they come here as assholes. That's the way it works. God gives you an asshole and then it's your job as a parent to turn them into a functioning, contributing member of society. That is why God makes children so cute, so you don't drown them
in the fucking tub. Oh, that must be your mother. That must be your mother
because you just went, she turned to her and she was like, "I can't believe you're
clapping for this!" She's clapping for this
because she's remembering you as a child when you were an asshole, but she's a good parent so
you're now a good person. I can tell because your incredulousness with your mother laughing lets me know that you're now a good person, but what you don't know that she knows is there was a time when
you were a fucking asshole. You caused that woman so much pain you don't know what to do. - That one too! - That's the other one? That's the other one. Oh, my God. Together you guys are
like a freak of nature, somebody with two assholes. It's absolutely the truth,
it is absolutely the truth, and that's why, and people
get mad when I say that. They get so mad at me
and they're just like, "That's not true, that's not true. "That's not true." And I'm like, "It is true
and I'll prove it to you "with one little word, 'childish.'" No one ever uses the word
'childish' as a compliment. Never does it go down just like, "Bob, can we have a word
with you in the office? "Bob, it's come to our
attention that your behavior "in the office is exceedingly childish. "We're promoting you to
senior vice president." No, it's always, "Bob,
you're a childish asshole. "You're fired." We live in an age where
people worship their kids. I don't get it. I don't get it. Your
kids haven't done shit. I see people at the
park and it's just like, "Little Timmy, look at
Timmy, little Timmy. "Oh, my God, look at Timmy. "Look at Timmy, oh my God, look! "Timmy kicked the ball, Timmy kicked. "Did you see Timmy kick the ball?" I'm like, "Timmy is
fucking three, that's it." He should be kicking a ball! Like, you want to impress me? Just like, "Timmy did my taxes." Now I'm impressed. Timmy kicked a ball, fuck that! Fuck Timmy! I had a woman say to me
one time, she was like, "I stopped drinking so I could be present for my child." I was like, "Bitch, I started drinking. "because I got three of them. "I'm about to start doing heroin." I've got a five-year-old daughter. She asked me for a Barbie Dream House. I was like, "Okay." And then I went to the store and I saw it. I was like, "Fuck no." You're not gonna bring some bitch into my house living better than me! You ever seen a Barbie Dream House? Three-story townhome, in-home elevator, state-of-the-art kitchen, two-car garage. You start playing with that shit, two weeks later you start
looking around my house like, "This place is a fucking dump. "Dad, you're a failure, be funnier! "Be funnier!" The return on investment
with children is zero. I'm sorry, it is zero. I'm not talking,... It
might be negative, sir. Yes, you might have actually-- You may have changed me, sir. I said zero, he said negative. You just took me to a whole
new level of thinking. Negative, and you're right. You never get out of them what you put. Have you had a return? Fuck no, you have not had a
return on these two right here. Never! That's why people say all the time, "I want my children to do better than me. "I want my children to have more than me." Not me. I want my children to
do just as good as me or maybe a little less. Not gonna make me feel bad about my life. I put all the work in, I did all the hard labor, and then you get all, fuck that! There is no ROI on
children, it is negative. Unless of course you're like a single mom with a son going to the NBA. At least then you get
a house out the deal. Because ain't that what they always say? Just, "You just got signed by the Knicks. "What you gon do?"
"I'ma buy my mama a house!" I look at my son, I'm like,
"I'm not getting shit." Like, "Yeah, that's my
son over there, yeah. "No, no, not the one with the basketball. "The one sucking on an inhaler. "Now that the sports dream
has died a horrible death "we're trying to get him into coding." Figure maybe I can get the first black Bill Gates out the deal. I don't even allow my son to play sports. I don't even allow it. He came in the house the
other day with a football. I stabbed it! I was like, "You get that out of my house. "Get it out of my house! "Now you sit down at that
computer and you write an app! "You write an app! "Daddy wants a house." I stress nothing but education
in my home, nothing but. We don't need anymore black athletes. No more ballers, no more
fucking shot callers. No more rappers, we don't need that. I tell my kids, "You gonna be a scientist "whether you want to or not." I stress education so much in my home my children think that
I am an Indian parent. I'm like, "Did you do your homework?" "Yeah." "You do your assignment for reading?" "Yeah." "Did you do the assignment I gave you?" They're like, "Yeah." I'm like, "Did you do your extra credit?" They're like, "Why are you always
talking to me like this?" The funny thing is that
you are responsible for your children's education, and people don't realize that. You know, it's not the school system. You are responsible for
your children's education, and you know, so I stress education, and you know, the funny thing is that, you know, my son, he
doesn't understand that so he gets very upset with me because I'm always correcting him. Because you can't learn unless
you're corrected, you know? And so he says things that
are grammatically incorrect and I will stop him in
the middle of the sentence and correct him, and then he says, "Dad, why you gotta be a grammar Nazi?" And then I look at him and I go, "Son, first of all, "there are good people
on both sides of grammar. "I know you may be tempted
to get into alt grammar. "But you have to resist the temptation." You know, as an aside while
we're on that subject, let me just say this, why is it that we are
coddling racists and bigots by giving them cute little
names like "alt right?" It's 'racist' and 'bigot,'
that's what it is. It is not-- Yeah. It's not "alt right." "Alt right" sounds like
an indie rock band, and it's just like, "Yo
man, do you like Alt Right?" "Aw shit, man, yeah, you
know their new album? "'Nigga Gotta Go.' "That's my joint! "And that cut, 'Jews Will Not Replace Us,' "that's my jam!" I'm glad you're oh-ing that, though. Yes, it is very difficult to be a parent. People don't know that,
and I am very good at it because I parent mostly hungover. And all I can tell you is
that that is very difficult, but I'm good at it, and here's my secret. I get drunk with my kids. That way they're hungover too. Let me tell you something, there's no more beautiful sight than a five-year-old early
on a Sunday morning going: "Oh fuck, I went hard last night. "Y'all gon have to keep it down. "Y'all gon have to keep it down." I got a little game I
play with my five-year-old and it's called Hungover Hide and Seek. Because you know, we play Hide and Seek. She loves it but she has the same exact hiding place every single time, same exact hiding place every single time. It's a little glass cabinet
that we have with a glass front. Yeah, she sucks at it. But it works for me because I'm hungover. So I'm walking around the
cabinet like, "Where's Charlie? "Where's Charlie, I can't find Charlie. "Oh, my God, Charlie is
so good at this game," and then I go lay down
and watch Sports Center and go the fuck to sleep. Two hours later my wife comes home. I'm asleep on the couch, the
baby's in a fucking closet. And then she's like,
"What is going on here? "What is happening?" And I'm just like, "What's happening? "I'm playing Hide and
Seek and fucking winning, that's what's happening." The coolest thing about
having kids, for me, is the fact that they are,
because I have two teenagers, they are a constant
reminder that I am not woke. Look, some of y'all, see? I can tell the people
who are my age right now, because I said "woke"
and they were like, "Oh." And I am not woke. I am old, I am tired,
I need a fucking nap. Plus my mother was an English teacher and "woke" is grammatically incorrect. Every time I hear
somebody say, "I'm woke," I just picture my mother rising up out of her grave and backslapping them. It's like, "I'm woke!" And she's like, "Go the fuck to sleep!" I am not woke, but I am a
compassionate, caring person, and I think that's what people want to say when they say, "I'm woke." You know, it's a colloquialism that says, "I am a compassionate, caring person," but I just want to say if there's anybody in here who is in the woke scene, please stop penalizing people for shit that they don't know, you know? Like, take that opportunity
to help somebody understand some things,
you know what I mean? Everybody wants to be angry now. Everybody wants to be angry, you know? You're like, "You not woke," and I'm like, "Well, set an alarm, nigga." I have a friend who is
transitioning, okay, and I was talking to
them to another friend and I said the statement that
"Well, as a heterosexual man," and they went, "No, no, no. "'As a cisgender male'
is what you mean to say." And I was just like, "What
the fuck is a cisgender male? "No, I meant heterosexual,
you just made that shit up. "You are making things up!" And then they walked
away, just walked away. Now I gotta go do research and
find out what cisgender is. I'm like, "This motherfucker
gave me homework." And so what I did was I
went and looked it up, and here's what I found out. 'Cis' is Latin for 'alongside,' so when you are cisgender
it means that your identity is alongside of your anatomy or your body, and so therefore it lines up, so your gender and your identity
are the same, cisgender. 'Trans' is Latin for 'across from,' which means that your identity and your anatomy are opposite one another. They don't line up, and that's
why you are transsexual. And I was like, "Motherfucker! "You gon tell me you mad at me "because I'm not up on my Latin prefixes?" So after I found that
out I actually, you know, and here's the problem, we're too afraid. Everybody's so angry that you're afraid to find out some things
and ask some people. It's all about just having a
little bit of communication, you know, and so I went
to the person and I said, "Hey man, I know you're
transitioning but here's the deal. "I don't understand. "I don't understand what
you're going through. "Maybe you could help me out, you know?" And thank God that they were kind enough to actually give me an
explanation, and they said, "Well, you know how you feel as a man? "And when you were a little boy "nobody had to tell you
that you were a little boy. "You felt that inside all the time. "You knew that you were a little boy, "and that lined up with your anatomy. "Well, I have always felt like a woman, "like a little girl and now a woman, "but it doesn't line up
with the parts that I have," and I was like, "Oh, my
God, I fucking get it!" Oprah Winfrey, light
bulb moment, I get it! Because I am a rich white man trapped in a poor black man's body. That is how I live my life. Like, I totally understand trans, because I have always
been a rich white man in a poor black man's body. Like, I am rich and white but
I am trapped inside of this. I am trapped in here. And sometimes it's confusing even to me. Like, I'll get stopped by
the cops and I'm just like, "What the hell is the problem, officer?" And then I'll see myself
in the rear view mirror and I'm like, "Oh fuck, oh well. "What I meant to say was 'I'm sorry.'" It was the rich white guy
that was talking to the cop. The poor black guy was
like, "Nigga, we gon die." [Audience Member] Oh, my God! Oh, my God. - I'ma move off of that. I can see some people are a
little uncomfortable with that. Couple of y'all are just like, "All right. "Why don't we move on to some cis jokes?" One thing I will say that
I like about my children is that they are good-looking people. Seriously, they are. My children are good looking people and it's not because of me. I'm not taking any credit
for it at all, seriously. My children are good
looking because of my wife. My wife is a very attractive woman. My wife is so attractive that
people think I have money. Seriously, I walk down
the street with my wife and they're just like,
"That guy must be rich. "Why are they getting into a Toyota?" My wife is very attractive. My wife is Puerto Rican and Korean. That is the right reaction. Thank you, US military. Puerto Rican and Korean,
I like to call her Goya Kimchi. Fucking right, that was funny, and thank you for laughing
at that racist shit. People laughing right
now, you're my people. Our children are Puerto
Rican, Korean, and black because I'm the father,
we got the test back. Puerto Rican, Korean, and black. I love it because every night for dinner we feed them Kentucky shrimp,
fried rice, and beans. Thank you for laughing
at that racist shit. I'm loving you more and more. I have a special greeting for my children, because all those people
are in the family. All those people are in the family, okay, and so I don't want my children to feel like they have
to pick an identity. I want them to know that
all that is their heritage, you know what I mean? That's all there is to it. - All of that is their
heritage, you know what I mean? Everybody gon call you black. That's fine, I win. But you still need to
know your heritage, okay? That's all there is to it, and I got a special
greeting for my children so I can remind them every time I see them that they are black,
Puerto Rican, and Korean. Every time they walk through
the door I'm just like, "Hey boo, what's happening, how you doing? "Mira, que pasa, mijita? "You get out of my store! "You buy now or leave!" Thank you most of all for
laughing at that racist shit. I love you people. I even got mom with that one. I even got mom with that one! We live in a white neighborhood, and what's funny about that
is that the white moms, when they see me at the park with my kids, cannot put two and two together. They're like, "Well,
there's little brown kids "that look nothing that guy, "and that can't be his children "because they don't
look anything like him. "What is going on?" And the funny thing is
I will be at the park watching my kids play, hungover. I'm sitting on a bench watching them through my hangover haze and all the white moms
are looking at me like, "Who's that guy? "What's up with that guy? "What's he doing? "Why's he here?" And then finally one
of them will just crack and come over to me like, "So... "Which one is yours?" And I just look at them through
my hangover haze just like, "Oh, I don't have any kids. "I just like to watch." The people who laughed at that, you are truly my people, because that was racist and
a pedophile joke all in one, and you were just like, "You know what? "I'm gonna suspend disbelief "and just laugh at the
fact that that was funny." Yeah. All right, we are out of time, so I am going to-- - Encore, encore, encore!
- Wow! That is fantastic, the fact that you have. Let me tell you something, we are at 50-something minutes right now and y'all are like, "That's great!" - 60!
- What's that? Do 60? All right, we gon call
this the Hidden Track. Let me just say this... I don't care how you feel
about interracial marriage. This is what I'm gonna say about it, because everybody has a feeling about it and it's something that
people keep to themselves and inside, but this is the deal. I really love the fact that people go outside of their race and get married, because one, it's an actual stand that you take that we are all human. Everybody likes to say, "There's only one race, the human race." Then you come home with somebody
who doesn't look like you and they're like, "What the fuck?" And all I can say is this, when you are in an
interracial relationship the children come out gorgeous. Okay? That is all there is to it. And so all I'ma tell you is
this, all I'ma say is this, my message to you people tonight is not one of love or understanding or political correctness or world harmony. My message to you people
tonight is if you are ugly, and you know who you are, please marry outside your race. That is God's way of
getting rid of ugly people on the face of this earth. I don't make those rules,
I just follow them. I didn't make those rules, I follow them, because I don't care what you say, you take a ugly white man
and a ugly white woman, you get a ugly white baby. You take a ugly black man
and a ugly black woman, you got a ugly black baby. You take a ugly white man
and a ugly black woman, put them together, Halle Berry. Hey guys, my name is Chuck Nice. Thank you. Thank you.
