- [Announcer] Ladies
and gentlemen,
welcome Matt Braunger. - Amazing. Thank you. Thank you. Wow, thanks. Hey. Hi. Thank you guys. This is great. Before I get started, please do not be intimidated
by my celebrity, please. Just don't, okay. I'm gonna call out the
elephant in the room, yes, yes. Okay, we are all, I'm sure you've talked about it. I was in the Halloween
episode of "iCarly" in 2007. Yes, yeah. It's really me, it's actually me. I walk among you, I know. I'll let you touch me
later, I'm just a man, okay. Let's just get that right
out of the way, okay. I don't think celebrity
exists anymore, after all the crap we've been
through the last two years, I think it's dead. It doesn't matter
if someone's famous anymore, as much. Though, I think we
all have that person that if we saw them, we'd be like, "It's them! "No look, "no, don't look, but look, "but don't look, but look. " And I was very surprised to find out my geek out
celebrity was Taye Diggs. Do you guys know who that is? I was like, "What, I didn't know I was
on this guy's jock so much, "That's wild." Granted, amazing actor, a beautiful chocolate man. But like, I mean... And I will admit it, I love a hot dude. I do love a hot dude. I'm I'm glad they're around. They really bring
a room together. I like to see a good look... To me, it's like looking
at a sunset or a horse. I'm not attracted. I'm like, "Look at him. "I'm glad he's here. "The party's lit." You ever been in a party
and a dude walks in. You're like, "Who the
fuck is that guy?! "All right, there, he is. "Nice! "This is awesome!" I just like to objectify, and I'm done doing
it with women. I think that is dead, enough of that. Women have had enough
objectification. Let's start objectifying
men as straight men, that's what I say,
let's switch it. Why not? I like a beautiful man. And it's fun to do
it to their face. I'm married, I'm beyond off the market. I will make a hot dude feel
uncomfortable at a party. Just walk right
off to them like, "All right, this is great. "I'm digging this, yeah. "Yeah, look at you, all right." Just stare at a weird part
like his stomach or something. "Yeah, that's
great, I love this. "Spin around, let me
see the whole package." He's like, "I'm not gay, man." "Neither am I, fucker, "What's up? "What are we doing later?" He's like, "I don't know,
who's friend is this? "This is really weird. "Not into this." Objectifying dudes. I don't think it's
my fault though, 'cause I grew up in
the homoeroticism of 80s action movies. Anybody else? Ridiculous. Every guy was shirtless,
cut, and shiny, everybody. Every "Rocky" movie. I've seen so many
boxing matches, I've never seen them whip
out a bucket of baby oil, like they did in "Rocky." Why did Ivan Drago look
like he was made of chrome? It made no sense. Just gleaming, so much. Schwarzenegger, "Rambo," everybody was just
veiny, muscular, just steroided out. And this was a time
where I was judged if I said any of my
friends was attractive, if they were a man. I'd be like, "Well,
Zach's good-looking." Like, "Ooh!" Everyone freak out, "What, are you queer? "You wanna marry him?" Like, "I'm not gonna
marry you, Dennis. "You're ugly as fuck! "If I had to marry a
man, I would take Zach. "He has gentle eyes. "Son of a bitch." Ridiculous times. Jean Claude van Damme
doing his crazy splits. It was so... All of us, guys, were like, "Yeah, I like that. "I like his body, "I like the way he moves. "Queer, what?" Who cares? But you know what
number one was? You're thinking and
I'm thinking it, "Road House." Oh, "Road House." Sweet Swayze, who just danced
his way through every role. Just dancing, always dancing. I loved Swayze, I miss him every day, man. "Road House" is the best. Dalton, best cooler
in the business. Plus, side note, be nice until it's
not time to be nice, that should be America's
slogan, you guys. That should be on the flag, one of the stripes
should just say that. But back to hot dudes, he was the hottest. He was the hottest. Doing kung fu in the
morning, shirtless. Right on the lake. But kung fu in the
morning, shirtless. Sure, but wear some sweatpants, not these, tightest jeans ever. Just can't kick above the waist. It's ridiculous. A huge rodeo belt buckle, that doesn't make
for mobility, Swayze. What are you doing? I love it so much. I have a bit of an ulterior
motive telling you this because I am starting
a petition, a movement. I want to get every bouncer
at every comedy club to dress like morning Dalton. Just all of them. Mullet wigs, no shirt, greased, the tightest jeans imaginable, huge belt buckle. And just have them
surround the room, just line the walls. As you are filing in, they're just standing there. I just wanna see a
couple people be like, "Is this Thunder Down Under? "Am I on the wrong night? "This feels very strange. "Is it gay night? "I don't care, but is it? "None of them will talk to me. "Guys?" Do you know why I
like a hot dude? Yeah, we're still going. You know why? It's 'cause I like seeing stuff that I'm not. And whoa, stop, stop yelling, enough, stop. Okay, I'm hot enough. Calm down. Let's 'cause that riot I
was worried about, Jesus. I'm fine. But I'm talking movie star hot, that thick hair that they have. You know what I'm talking about? That werewolf hair where it's like a forehead, then there's a tree line, this thick, just a thick moss you can't put your
fingers through. That's hot dude hair. I worked with Jake
Gyllenhaal in New York once. And I say worked with, we were on the same benefit show that went four hours long. And he's well put together. He is good looking as hell. I'm not blowing your mind here. I wouldn't let him fuck. He's got those creepy
night crawler eyes. I don't wanna look
in the mirror . Not for me. But it was like me, him,
and a bunch of bands. And I had to follow him. He did a monologue from this beautiful,
two-man play he was in, that was running on
Broadway at the time. And I remember sitting
there and going, "Man, this guy's
really talented." And they're like, "You're next." And I'm like, "why, why, "why am I after that?" What a beautiful monologue, and now Dick Jokes
Magoo, coming up. So I was like, let me just call this
out and make fun of it. So I just went out
there after him and was just like, "Give it up for my twin Jake." And they laughed so hard
it hurt my feelings. It killed so hard. People were crying like, "Oh my God! "He said he's his twin. "I think I'm gonna shit. "We should go." It's like, "Fuck you guys. "I'm not a monster." But he has that hair. If you tried to run
your fingers through it, you get caught. Know what it is, the barometer? Pomade, pomade. It's any dude that
can use pomade. You guys know pomade? You can put it on your head
and an engine, same thing. Like a greaser. Elvis, or Morrisey, or
Fabians do a big wave Dave. Never, could never, ever, ever do that. My hair has always
been thin and curly. If I ever use pomade, pubes right away, just a handful of pubic hair. "Ugh, may I have this dance? "I'm a testicle with eyes. "Would you... "Why are you running, please?" Not a good look, ladies. Not the best. Though, you know what? I'm married, but
if I was single, I would do it. I would pube up. I would. Obviously subliminal, as a message, 'cause as we all know, to say the obvious, women love balls. They love them. They love testicles
and scrotums, they love them. That's nice. But it's weird 'cause they lust after them, them just by themselves. It doesn't make me feel great to have a part of my body. I mean every guy here has been
around a bunch of drunk women and they don't know
that he's there, they don't care. And they're just like, "Ugh, just wanna get
some sack tonight. "I wanna get some
sweet ball bag. "I just wanna fuck a
guy and grab his nuts." Take it, bitch. Come on, stop. Your magazines, Ball-Bag Quarterly, Heavy Hangers. And women are like,
"Are they real?" That's how bad it is. I thankfully was born
with big round nuts. But there's guys
who get implants because they feel lesser, because you ladies like
them big and round. And look, I don't
wanna get serious. I didn't think I would
get off on a soapbox here. But every man in this room was in high school at one point. And you developed, your balls got big. And then all of a
sudden women notice you, and start talking to you, and they want to hang out. And then a girl is like,
"Do you wanna go on a date?" And you're like, "Totally." And you think she
likes you for you and, you're making out in the car, and she won't stop trying
to touch your balls. Like, "Stop, "stop. "No, I'm not ready. "Lisa, please, stop. "Not even over the
denim, stop it. "Lisa, stop. "I don't know you that well, "stop, I said no. You just grab her
by the wrist like, "Damn it, are you my girlfriend? "Hmm? "Are you my girlfriend? "No, no. "Then don't touch
my fucking balls! "Drive me home." Chicks are pigs, man. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to call it out. I really took that
one really far. That was fun. I appreciate you guys
for rolling with it. Thank you. So dumb. Obviously, you know what, I'm talking about it, I am certainly not
talking about balls. It's very fun to watch
your faces going. "What the hell does he really? "Oh, he's talking
about, okay, right. "I get it, "switcheroo, okay. "Yeah." And I love to push that
one and I'll tell you why before the pandemic, I'd
done that joke five times. It was one of those dumb ones that I like doing,
'cause it's just stupid. And every comic
has a stupid joke. They love to just trot out. And that one's fun for me to do, But I did it five times, five times before the lockdown. And all five times, all five. I never said this part, explaining the metaphor or why I like the joke. I would just drop it and move on and leave people confused. Five times out of five, I went to the lobby, to take pictures
of people who came or whatnot. Five times outta five, a dude came up to
me and was like, "Dude, good set. "But what's that
shit about balls? "Chicks hate nuts." Like, you're the best
man I've ever known. I love you so much, dude. You're such a dumb piece... Ugh. Never change. I gave this guy an
irrational hope, women hate balls, hate them. I'll get outta the shower. My wife would be like, "Would you wash your balls?" Like, "I just washed-- "just now, I washed... "Did you just say that "'cause you hate them? "What is this?" If there's a part of
us, besides our egos, Women could wish away, it'd be balls. I just love that that guy was just like, "Where is this woman? Damn it! "Where's that woman
that lusts for my nuts." ♪ Somewhere out there ♪ Beneath the pale moonlight "Where are you?" Okay, I've talked
about big penises, testicles, what next? Oh, I have a daughter. She's one. Work on my transitions,
a little bit. Yeah, we had a baby
during the pandemic and that was the best
thing we ever did. I got nothing bad
to say about that, especially 'cause
my job went away. All the penis joke
emporiums closed down. I became a stay at home dad and it was great, and it is great. But like I, oh thank you. I will say it spoils you because I missed the crowds, but God damn, if like a baby isn't
the best audience ever. Nothing you do is wrong. They're impressed by everything. They're just like, "You have keys to jingle
in front of my face "and you know exactly
where the Cheerios are? "You're the tits, dad! "A king." It's the absolute best. And we went to drive to
Oregon, where I grew up, to show the baby off, right on, show the baby off to my parents. They live in Portland. And then, I dunno if you heard, but Oregon caught
fire at that point. Just the whole state. And so like, "Oh,
let's stay put." And then California got
jealous and it caught fire too. And so we lost our minds, I think a lot of us did
that during the lockdown. And we drove 3,338
miles, I think, to Boston, Massachusetts,
from Los Angeles with a six-week-old, just like weird pioneers
in an electric car, going across the country. And it was a great thing to do. I'm proud of us. I can't believe we made it. I can't believe I did that. Two weeks ago I was
sitting on my porch with my one-year-old
and I remembered, I live in a cul-de-sac
that echoes. And I went, "Jesus, fuck!" I just screamed it. My baby got startled. 'Cause it just hit me "I did, "what the, what? "what?" It's was nuts But we met every kind of person. And it was enlightening
and enriching because I met people I would diametrically
disagree with online, but face-to-face,
we got along fine 'cause we were all going
through this big thing together. I think the problem
is maybe the internet. I dunno. I don't know. There could be someone
making money off us. Just throwing that out there. I dunno if that's true. But I definitely had prejudices. I definitely had stuff
that I looked at. I was like, "Oh,
this person is that, "and this person is that." I'll never do that again, man. No matter what, 'cause I had the most like
assumption-shattering experience when we're driving,
going through Nebraska, and Rose had a blowout. And it was a blowout, like someone put five
M-80s in a towel. It just sounded muffled, like in the old War War II movie where the guy's like, "Grenade!" Lands on it. It was like that. It was insane how loud it was. And I look back and she's like, " Oh-ho-ho. "Oh, the evil is loose." Her face looked so
relaxed and happy. And it was my turn. My wife's like, "Your turn." And the stench
filled the car like, "Oh! Oh, God." We pull over. And I take her out and I look, and the closest business is
a place called Thunder Road, which is a biker
bar/family restaurant. That's actually a thing. Just motorcycles, hogs, as far as the eye can see. Every third guy
has a leather cut, a vest on, with his
club on the back, and his MC. And we were going
into the restaurant, me and Rose, and we passed the restroom like, "Where's the restroom?" And of course they're like, "It's in the bar." Of course it is. Like, "I'm changing a baby. "I did a stutter? "I said the bar." And so we went through the bar. And there were as
many kids in there as there were in the
family restaurant. And I get into the men's room and I make my assumption, my first assumption, which was, "No way they gotta
changing table in here, nah. "It's gonna be my
wife's turn, no way." Wrong. Thunder Road woke as fuck. Their changing table, you could have a horse give
birth sideways on that thing. Like, "Oh my God, "I could sleep on this
in the fetal position. "This is incredible." Put my diaper bag here, some snacks, couple of beers, a baby in the middle. This is incredible. I'm sure that's why it
was designed that way. And I'm changing her, and she's cleaned up, and I'm about to put
the fresh diaper on and a biker passes me, who looks straight out of
whatever the Norse God hell is. Wherever the evil vikings go. He had this giant
rivulet-covered beard, and this grease heavy... He had that, if Jake Gyllenhaal
grew his hair out long, that shit that
looks like a helmet, he had the tree line, but just grease and evil, just melded in there. His eyes were somehow,
not brown or blue, but red, red pupils somehow. Not high, just eyes of fire, and a leather cut that he
looked like he was born in and grew into. Like it was part
of his musculature. Buck knife. And he's walking
out and he stops, and he looks right
at Rose's vagina. Pause for laughter. Nothing? That usually kills. Yeah. Real awkward. And I'm just sitting
there and I'm like, mentally I'm like, "Go away." Like, "I would ordinarily
never take you on, "but I will pull this hair
dryer out of the wall. "I've done it before." The little . You just put your foot up, yank. They're tiny screws. I've done it when I was
hammered as shit in Chicago. And then hit him in the face, sit on him, put it through his head, grab my baby with bloody hands, run her out to my
California-plated
electric vehicle and get chain whipped to death by the rest of
the motorcyclists. I'm sure. That's my brilliant
plan, everybody. So I'm sitting there, worried, and then he goes, "Yeah, that's a rash." "What?" He's like, "I don't
wanna make things weird." Like, "We're so there, "you made it weird
50 seconds ago "when you were staring." He's like, "I don't
wanna make it weird, "but I got four of those
and that's a rash." I got four of those? You mean kids? Those things? "Yeah, two I won in a card game, "one I got at a garage sale. "One me and my old
lady made natural, "and I've seen my share
of a diaper rash, brother. "That's a rash." And then he blew
my mind completely when he unsnaps his
blood-caked leather vest and is like, "You
got the cream?" And I pull out the same tube
of diaper cream and I'm like, "Got it right here, brother." And he's like, "Right on
brother, stay strapped." And he walks out.. Oh my God. oh. I still wake up in the middle
of the night, to this day, and go, "He had the cream." And I go back to sleep, peacefully. Right next to his
buck knife, amazing. What's your gang? Hell's Dads. Who are you guys? It's magnificent. Oh. I am an old dad, I'm 47. But I don't care. Doesn't make a difference to me. I'm sure in Tennessee
I'm a grandpa for sure. That's fine. That's fine. I'd take my baby out, they're like, "Oh,
how old is your son "that had that kid? "That's your daughter? "That's your... Jesus!" But I don't care. Especially 'cause I
live in Los Angeles where I am not an old dad. I've been in the
park next to a dude, watching what I think is his
great, great, great grandchild. Dude's like 80 on his seventh
marriage to a 24-year-old. And he said, "She demanded
we make one of our own. "I can't chase it, "I'll give you $500. "My back." But I spent a year with her, just me and her, taking care of her. When all the comedy
clubs were closed, I had Rose and just
took care of her. So when it was time to
take her to daycare, we decided after a year
she goes to daycare. I was a wreck. I was driving her over
there with my wife and I was like, "Well
there's the day, "Rose, you get to
meet some friends "and it's gonna be great." My wife was like, "Are you..." Not like, "Are you okay? Oh. Like, "No, are you all right? "Are you gonna have
a breakdown right now "in front of our baby?" Like, "Nope, Nope. "Not 'til we leave." And we go, and I was so dramatic. I handed her off like
one of those movies where there's a
soldier going to war, "She'll have a better
life with you." And this tiny Latina's
like, "Okay, bye-bye." Just goes through the door. Nothing, just took her away And the door just shut. And we're like, Ah. Went away and sobbed, so sad. I will say I'm lucky to be a dad because people see
you alone with a kid and they immediately help you. I went and flew alone with Rose once to New York from LA. And everyone's like,
"Where's your wife?" "Oh, it's just me and Rose." "You guys, you're
alone with her? "Come here. "You need to pee? "I'll hold her. "You okay? "You're not drinking." "Just coffee." "Okay, good. "All right, we're here. "You need any..." They think you're just
gonna stuff the baby underneath the seat in
front of you or something. You're totally useless. And I'm in love with being a dad and I have a wife who's kind of a pirate. I'm trying not to curse
in the car anymore. I'm trying not to
car curse anymore. I'm just, and you're driving
and you're like, "Look at this, God damn it. "Outta the way. "fuck him and kill you, "God damn it." I get virulent and
I need to stop. I got a real anger problem. And she's in the
back, soaking it up. Like, "This is good, "this is good stuff." Just spunging it all in. And my wife is all over me. She's like, "Stop
cursing in the... I don't want her first
word to be motherfucker. I really don't. And she's got a great point, but she says savage
stuff around this baby And doesn't realize it. Once I was shirtless
holding our child when she was still breastfeeding and she went for my nipple. And I was like, "Whoa,
whoa, nope, wrong parent. "No milk comes out of this one." And my wife walks up and goes, "Just jizz." What the fuck! It's a baby. I'm holding a child. It's hilarious. Talk about a terrible thing. "Jizz comes out of my dad." "We're gonna send you home." She says stuff I
would never say, my baby wakes up in the
middle of the night crying, Kara just goes,
"Ah, this bitch." Like, "Come on. "Stop it." Yeah. I'm an old dad
got married late, got married in my early 40s. But that was perfect time for
my maturity level, honestly. I don't judge. I think people get
married any age, young or old. Look, if you get married young, I think men get married
any age you want, but have your bachelor
party in your 40s. Please, for the love of God, because there's nothing sadder than a group of 22-year-olds that have one credit card that is one of their
dads or something, trying to get in the strip club. And just like, "I
have one to tip, "this is great." You guys need to go home,
play Xbox, seriously, 'Cause you got money
when you're in your 40s, if you lived right. I went to Temecula,
wine country, mom wine country with a bunch of dudes, 10 or 12 dudes. And we had T-shirts that
had my wife's face on them, a glamor shot, with the word Kara, in cursive, like thug life, across our stomachs. We're walking around partying. It was like some
bachelorette parties and they'd adopt us, they loved us. And then one woman
got it totally wrong. She's like, "Oh my God, "that's so cool, "did she die?" "What? "No, "actually, yes. "We dated her. "All of us dated her. "She was our lover "and she died, suddenly, "in a horrible
motorcycle accident. "And we decided to party. "Cheers." I didn't even make fun of her. I was like, "No, I'm
gonna marry her." She's like, "Oh good." And walks away. That was it. I loved her confidence. It was fantastic. But we had a nice Airbnb. We had like all these
great wineries to go to, every folk singer, just out there plucking tunes Little John Denver, Gordon Lightfoot. That's nice. We started getting hammered, balling up 100s,
throwing them at him, being like, "Learn Metallica, "learn Bob Seger, "learn Iron Maiden. "Screw it, learn Drake." Just seeing how far they'd go. ♪ Exit life It was fantastic, man. I love being married. I know that's weird to
hear from a male comedian. We're always just like, "I'm married." Like you failed. Like, "Oh no." You found someone to love you, you gross, fat, sack of trash. That's a failure, really? Where are you gonna be
surfing the seas of pussy, at some point, you creep. I don't think that
was gonna happen. I think she saved you from hell. I think that's what happened. And people talk about the
best things about marriage and the worst things
about marriage. That's it, never the in between. They talk about the worst, which is what, you'll fall outta
love with each other, or you're stuck with the
same lover your whole life. Oh no. Or the best, which is you have someone who loves you for the things
you hate about yourself, that's amazing. And you have a best friend
that you fuck, that's cool. That's a good thing. That's a good thing. But we don't talk about the awesome little
things in between. You have someone to mess with the rest of your life. And to get rid of you, they have to involve the law. You're trapped. And I'm not saying
do it all the time. Don't be abusive or shitty. But every once in a while, do a little raz. Here's a free one. Did you guys know that
if you're in public and you're holding
hands with someone and you say some
complete insanity, they're a part of
that insanity now? They're on Team Insane. People look at them, they're like, "You have sex with this man? "You're with him? "This is you together? "Wow." I was holding
hands with my wife, walking into an
LL Bean in Maine. Literally the nicest story
you've ever even seen or heard of and is lovely,
elderly female clerk comes up and is like, "Can I help you find something?" And I was holding
my wife's hand, I go, "Yes, where are
your lovers' sex kayaks? "So you face each other
and your chakras mix. "And every time
you hit the rapids, "they explode in orgasm "and you can hold
it up to two hours. "We're looking for a third, "come back." My wife's like, "Let
go of my fucking hand. "I hate you so much. "God damn it!" If you got the right person, they'll make you love
stuff you never loved. Like I used to hate Las Vegas as I used to play there a lot. And I play for like crap money. And I'd eat in the cafeteria. Oh, casino cafeterias, where the workers eat. It's like the Irish
level in the Titanic, but not fun. It's real bad. And my wife loves Vegas because she basically
pointed out. She's like, "Look,
we're doing better now, "we can spend money on things. "You're getting better gigs." The thing I love about
Vegas is everyone goes, you see every kind of person
from all over the world, all hanging out, being idiot adults. Like looking across the room, being like "You
being a shit bird?" I am being a bird, are you? High five, here we are. Just for two days, then it's back to the kids. All right, wink. There's something for
everyone in that town. You learn stuff about yourself. I learned, I like watching
young people get wasted. Not like a creep, not like, "That one's almost ready. "Start the van." Not like that. "Get the zip ties. "He's about to pass out." Not like that. No, just like, I feel like a retired
professional athlete. When I was younger, I
used to get blown out. I had a Herculean tolerance and I used it and abused it. I still drink, I still get it on, but not like I used
to 'cause I'm old now. But I like watching someone with a metabolism of
a jungle cat go nuts. It's fun. I saw a dude in Vegas, true story, tell a story to his friends, vomit, suddenly, without his knowledge, on himself, in the middle of said story, and laugh it off. Oh, it was amazing. He just like, "Man,
last night was crazy. "Woke up in this weird
chick's hotel room. "I don't even know
what hotel it was. "I was missing my shoes. " Where were you guys? "'cause I... " Look what happened to me?" Look what happened to me. As if someone else
barfed on this guy. It was amazing. If I threw up on
myself, suddenly, because of alcohol, I would weep, change my shirt, and go to AA. I would walk right
into an AA meeting. It's time for a change. Not not this guy. This guy just went, "Holy shit, should I
get another shirt?" The whole casino
goes, "Yeah man. "Jesus, there's
no other option." The people watching on that
level in Vegas is insane. My wife and I were inside
an air-conditioned bar that had a glass wall overlooking one of those
daytime party pools with Pitbull music
blaring everywhere and foam. Everyone's out there. Just . I think it's called
rehab, or something, or detox, ironically. So everyone's getting faded. And that day it was 115 degrees. It was a record heat
wave that weekend. And I'm watching people
almost just break down. All the women are laying under whatever shaded
surfaces there are 'cause they're the more
evolved of the species, let's be honest. But the guys are just walking
in the heat of God's wrath. Like, "This ain't shit. "I'm fine." And hitting on women. Eventually the
women start going, " I'm, this is, I'm done. "This is awful. "I'm going inside. "I'm gonna catch fire. "This sucks. "I'm so sweaty, I hate it." And they go in, but the guys who
are still out there with their flame tattoos and they're
affliction tank tops, still hitting on women. Oh they were so fun to watch because they were all
yolked and muscular and Butch and manly. But they kept being,
almost pulled to the ground by science and heat. It was like watching the
movie "Terminator 2," when the T-1,000's
coming at the guy and his machine gun at him and he's just breaking up, but still won't stop. Joints, giving out, still getting up
again and again. I saw this bro, just go up this woman's like, "Hey, couldn't help
but notice you. "Listen, my name's Chad." "And I think you're hot. "I think I'd like to
be a little forward. "Think maybe you
want to get a drink?" "No. "So what do you say?" Everyone in the bar's
like, "Stay down. "You're gonna die. "Get him some water." So my wife and I are like, "Enough, I don't wanna
watch someone pass out. "Let's go get changed. "Let's get into our
evening finery." And that's the best
thing about Vegas, is you have your daytime outfit, get day drunk. Then you can take a shower, and put on your refinery,
still day drunk, and get night drunk. It's fun. So my wife and I, we go up to the room, and we have efficient
marital sex. Not to brag, not to brag, but yeah, it happens. It happens. To me. Anyone who's married
knows how it is. People knock it, but it is good
and it's reliable. You know what each other wants, you know how long
it should last. You get the job done. It's like, "What do we got? "We got some time. "Do you wanna? "Oh, "yeah. okay. "All right. Cool, come here. "Okay, cool. "That was awesome. "Good game, high five. "That was great. "Like that little thing you did "where he punched
me in the back. "I didn't see that coming. "Well, you knocked it out. "Good job. "I'm gonna get in the shower. "Leave the water on or... "Yeah. Okay." I used to work in bars, I work in bars for six years and lived in Chicago. Great town, right on, great town. Full of wild pirates,
like yourself, ma'am. Respect, concrete
respect to you. It was great. I started as a bar back, which it is a
special kind of hell. I will say something, not to get political on you, but I think my strongest
political belief is I just don't trust anyone who's never worked a job where they thought about killing
themselves at least once. At least once. Once. You're just like,
"This could all end "and I can end it right now. "I'm not even clinically
depressed right now. "But what if, "what if I just killed myself?" That thing where you're like, "God damn it, I got five
hours left in this shift. "Or... "Swallow 25 Asprin,
I don't know. "Whatever it take." When you're bar backing, all you're doing
is washing glasses and putting them away. Just stack them, put them away. And there's two or
three bartenders that are slammed, and you're not allowed
to make drinks. And there's beers and ice, in front of you, and taps, and liquor bottles behind you. And people are just like, "Just get me a drink. "Just pour some
whiskey in a cup. "It's right there. "There's a beer, right there. "God damn it." You're like, "I can't, "please stop yelling at me. "I'm not allowed. "I'll be fired. "Please, sir." "What are you, a stupid monkey?" You're just like, "God damn it." I remember looking
down at a stirring fork and being like, "All it would take is just, "just two, right there. "Just right there, "and just bleed out in
front of this dickhead, "looking at him. "Sitting on the
stool and be like, "you did this." You just break all his
drinks in half with my face, and slide down the bar, "Clean this up." And just die right there, staring at him, still dying. Shitting, all behind the bar. You're cleaning this up, sir. You are. I don't know what you said. It crosses the mind. Absolutely. But I think those jobs hone you and make you into the person
you're supposed to be. If you've never
worked a crap job, that's bad 'cause you're
not your truest self. I think it's like
MMA or something. It's makes you tough
in your own way and find the real you. I was always a funny
person growing up I was always class
clown and stuff, but I would get
accidentally hilarious when I was a bartender, when I was slammed. And stuff would
just come outta me, that would kill. And I'd be like, "I was
just being serious." "What, that was funny?" Like I remember being so busy --
"in the weeds" as we call it in the industry, the folks here know. I lost my sight. I don't know if it
was sweat in my eyes. I don't know if
I was dehydrated, but my eyesight went blurry and all I saw were
colors and shapes, that's it. And I'm just pushing drinks out and hoping I'm making
the right change, and feeling credit
cards like braille, to see who it is. It was awful. And then some dick, somewhere
in front of me goes, "Fuck am I invisible?" And I said, sincerely,
"Who said that?" And the whole bar cracked up. And I'm like, "Yeah,
throw him out." And they did. That guy's like, "Hey!" Threw him out the door. "I am Caligula." People would get away with
crazy stuff in Chicago. There was a bar
called Coconut Joe's, a beach bar, nowhere near a beach. And there was a thatched roof, and Tiki drinks
and all that stuff. And they had this amazing fun, and super safe thing they'd do where they'd just
take a bottle of 151 and pour it all over the bar. Splashing, not in
just a nice line, just everywhere. Light a match, just light the
whole bar on fire. And you're like,
"Oh yay, arson." What a good time. And they'd never warn you. That's how piratey it was. And one night, there's a dude laying
back against the bar, like this, in a tank top. And he had the most back,
shoulder, and arm hair I've ever seen in my life. Thick, like a
wookiee or a mammoth. So much hair. Like that thickness where if you took a baseball and set it on it, it wouldn't sink. It would just lay on
the green, right there. And he is just laying there, and sure enough, this dude's pouring the rum. And I'm like, "Huh." Like I see it about to happen, but my throat seized up 'cause I was so afraid. Whole thing went on fire. And so did this dude. Whole back and shoulders just, And we threw a jacket on him. Thank God, Chicago's
always cold. There's always a
pile of jackets. We grabbed two jackets
and just covered him. Put them out. And I learned something
horrible about myself, which is if I see
someone catch fire, the first thing I
do or say is not, "Oh no, let's help him. "We should put him out, "That guy's on fire." The first reaction that comes
out of me instinctively is " Wow. "Oh no. "Oh, is he alright?" I didn't know back
hair caught that fast. What are you pouring, VO5 Sassoon all over
yourself there, sir. Chicago's great, but
it's also just wrong. Bars are open till 5:00 AM. 5:00? That's a crime against God. Even as a 24-year-old. I'm like, "We made it. "I don't wanna be here. "I'm tired." And you sit there and
you drink, 'til 5:00. And if you know the bartender, it's almost worse because he or she'll
be like, "Last call. "Not you, you stay. "You're cool." And then you stick around, and they lock the door when everyone's gone and you drink some more. And there's no better way to feel like an
absolute pile of trash, than by walking out of
a dark, windowless bar, cartoon sailor drunk into a bright, sunshine,
fully-grown day. Like a zombie like, "Oh no. "Is it sun time already? "Is that a term? "Oh, how is everyone? "You're jogging. "Welcome. "Okay, what a
lovely dog and baby. "Is this the line for brunch?" Go to bed, sir. My God. You're sweating booze. I feel like such a pile of shit. But I love the stuff
I've seen in bars. I think women need to
start acting up in bars the way men have for millennia And you might not
know what I mean. A lady, you're like razor
fist, right on, brother. But you might think
I mean being loud or hitting on men, no, there's a power you
might not know you have, which is you can take
men's drinks away from them and drink them yourself because no one will
believe the man that that was his drink first. I know that because I was in DC and a woman took my whole beer, took my whole beer away. I was sitting there, this place called the Big Hunt, which is underneath a bar, it's a comedy club. And I'm up there
with my notepad, putting my little set together for what I'm gonna say
tonight to the people and I got a full beer. I haven't touched it yet. And this 22-year-old woman
in a cotton sundress, just swoops in and picks it up and just stares at me. And I turn around, I'm like, "Who's
with this girl?" And there's three
bikers behind me. And they're like, "Mm-mm,
I want no part of this. "I don't know who that is." She's on her own. And she's just
staring at me like, "Really, what the
are you gonna do?" "If I say this is my beer, "you know, this is my beer. "Come on." Just took it staring. 'Cause I realize
I'm doing the math. If I snatch it, I look insane. Like I just stole
some girl's beer. Like, "Mine," Like a fucking psycho
Viking or something. What, do I grab her? No, I'll go to jail. And she knows this. She's just daring me. And my manhood is just gone. Like if it was a guy, I'd be like, "Hey, fucker, "that's mine!" "The hell." Or whatever Butch thing
I'm supposed to do there. But because it was a woman, all that came outta me was, "Hey, that's mine." That's all that
came outta my face. So pathetic, "Give it. "Mom!" So lame. And she stared me in the
face and just drank it, looking at me like a
bigger guy in prison, just eating my food
in front of me. I've never felt smaller. And then she sat on me. Not in a sexy way, but just like, "You're
a stool, fuck off." Just sat. And I'm like, get off me. I pushed her. I took a little of my power back and she just looks at
me and just goes, "Ah!" Like I'm no fun. And then she went down the bar and drank three more dudes beers and it was worth losing mine to watch them lose theirs. Straight up and down, man. If I would've gone in
that bar and they're like, "All right, here's the deal, "you're gonna buy a beer, "you don't get to drink it, "she does." I'd be like, "I'm gonna leave." "Whoa, whoa, whoa. "Get to watch her steal
three other guys beers "for that fee." I'd be like, "I will
buy this chick a keg. "That sounds fantastic. "Where do I sit? "Why stop at three? "Have her steal 12 beers, "let's go." The guy next to me, first guy she took of the three, way more evolved than me. Like he knew the situation, he did the math
better than I did. She grabbed it, he's like, "Hey, what the fuck!" "shit, another beer." He just knew, that's gone. There's no winning
this situation. It's over. It's amazing. And she just drank
it next to him. And he just looked away. And she put the empty glass down and went to the next guy. The next guy was my favorite because he had been hitting on anything with
a pulse all night. One of those guys who's like, hit on 100 women, 99 say no, but that one. Yeah, but you've
annoyed 99 women, and the whole bar. Just in your car before
you come in, sir, get the poison outta you, be a human being. It's exhausting
to be around you. I can't imagine what
it's like for women And she comes up. There were people in between us, so I didn't even see it. So I'll just do the
audio book version. Here it is. "Oh, hi . "That's mine. "Whoa. "Wow. "Thirsty. Huh? "My kind of gal. "I'm gonna get you another one. "Hey, where are you going? "What the fuck, man?" That what the fuck,
man, he said to himself was so good. His self hatred just
spilled out of him. Like an ooze, like a poison. "The fuck, man. "Why does no one like me?" Because you're obnoxious bro. The last guy was kind of sad. He was an old
rummy, named Dennis, he looked like the
Gordon's fisherman. And I knew he was a rummy because the bartender
put it down and went, "Last one, Dennis." That's a bad sign. If the bartender knows your
name and says, last one, rethink your life
choices, Dennis. So bartender's like,
"Last one, Dennis." And Dennis looks at his beer, looks outside, ready to drink it, distracted by something. She swoops in, drinks his whole beer, puts an empty,
pristine glass down and flies away on the wind. And he just looks
back and goes, "Hey!" To this day, he probably tells everyone
he meets in that bar that a ghost took his beer. "It was a night
just like tonight, "a ghost and a cotton
sundress swept in "and took my beer." Dennis, you're an alcoholic. You drank it and forgot. Shut up, dude. I really love Nashville. Not to quote the Bible, but I'm not just licking
your dicks and clits, I mean it. That's book of Matthew, that guy was a freak. But I like, this town is very gay. I really dig that. Got a lot of cool gay spaces, big gay, populous in town. And I see a few fellow allies. And that's cool. And I feel like I've always
had every kind of friend, different colors, different creeds. I don't know what a creed is, but we had all kinds, people that have different
sexual proclivities. I pride of myself, not judging and having all
kinds of people in my life, gay friends, non-binary friends, and that's cool, but, I just have seen this too often that I feel like I have to
make a PSA to my fellow allies. Please stop asking what a
gay couple does in the sack to their face, please. I know you probably think, "When does that happen?" I've seen it. And it's always a dude
who looks similar to me and he's faded. And he means well, but he just walks
up to a gay couple and he is like, "Hey, sorry to bother you, "but this is awesome. "You guys rock. "Fully support you. "It's great. "But listen, "can I ask you guys? "Just curious. "Who's the one that, "which one? "Just curious, who's the." No, just let it be
a magical mystery. You know what I mean? Or watch a movie. There's plenty of them. My point is, why is it never the other way? I've never had a gay guy
just walk up and be like, "How do you your wife? "What do you do? "What do you guys? "How's it work? "Who does what? "Who does what to who? "Who's the thing that's this
and the thing that's this? "what exactly happens? "Play-by-play it for me. "You wanna drink? "Sorry to bother you. "I support you as
a straight man." Never. And people think gay sex
is disgusting, some people. Nope, it's not. All sex is
disgusting, all of it. There's no exception. It's awful looking. Have you ever had a
moment of actual clarity while having sex? And you're like, "The
fuck am I doing right now? "I look terrible. "Why is there a mirror
on that closet door. "No, ugh. "When did I grow a mole there?" It's so gross, that's
why it's great. It feels so good. You just do this awful thing and like straight guys
are gross out by gay sex. and that's why they ask. And gay persons never asked me how I have straight sex. And ironically,
if they ever did, they might be disturbed. My wife has done horrible
things to me, ma'am. Brutal things. Look, she just
did a normal thing that everyone in this
room has probably done and I've done at some point. just did it early. It was like our second
or third time doing it. We were cartoon sailor hammered and going at it. That's fun. Drunk sex, you can barely feel. It's more emotion
than physicality, that's neat. But she did a thing
we've all done, which is you think
this is going great. I feel good, they feel good. Maybe they like a
finger in the bum. Maybe just a touch, just check in. But you gotta finesse it. Gotta go, "Hey, ♪ Just check in. ♪ Is this something
you might like ♪ ♪ Maybe you'd like a
finger in your butt hole ♪ Play that one-holed flute. See if they wanna
dance that tune. They might be like,
"I like this jam." They might. You gotta knock, knock,
knock on heaven's door. That's my point. That's what that song's about. Take it from me. I'm friends with Bob Dylan. My point is you can't just, AHH! Like a maniac savage. You can't, you can't, you can't, unless you're my wife. Holy crap, you guys. She splunked me. She went in. She just hard, put her shoulder into it. Oh, like hot dog size
veins came outta my neck. I never knew I had. Mm. It was bad, man. How can I punch in
exactly how she did this? How can I describe it? I need to go deeper. Look, how do I drive this home? Okay, boxing, that's it. You guys all know
rudimentary boxing technique. I'm assuming, 'cause you're also like
me from the streets. You got your jab, you got your cross, you got your hook. But you're upper cut, that's a fight finisher. 'Cause it's not just your
shoulders and your middle, it's your ham. So you wanna drop, use your legs. Drop under the defenses, hook them like this, explode upward like a thrust. And send your fist
through their jaw, which goes through their brain. Knock out! Now, imagine instead of a fist, it's my wife's finger, held high and defiant like
a railroad spike of rage. And instead of a jaw, it's
my asshole, Nashville. She got in and under, lifted me up Clubber Lang-ed me, lifted me off the bed, blood came outta my mouth, eyeball left the socket. "I don't like it." And now we know. That is not my jam, literally. Look. Okay, it wasn't even that bad. If I'm honest, I'm just a bitch. It's true. It just felt that way
to me at the time, she probably barely put
half a nail in there and I'm like, "No!" Jumped off the bed, wrapped myself in 10 blankets, sat there. "Why would you hurt me?" You guys do drugs? Resounding positive, yeah. All right. Let's
do a quick survey. Just call out the
drug you enjoy. Go ahead. Pot, molly. - [Audience Member I] Ketamine! - Ketamine nice. That's a strong ketamine. You don't take
enough, I think sir. I love doing that. I do it for me because I read a book
once by a defense Attorney That was like, "The truth just sounds
different in court." In my job, I read people. I read crowds and feel out the kind of
material I'm gonna do. I love doing the drug survey 'cause I can tell
all of you enjoy and do those drugs actively. Everyone who called them out. I can tell. Even the guy who's
way too agro, "Weed!" Maybe too much sativa, switch, little indica mixed in. It's just an idea. And I love it. 'Cause I've had people fake it. Like guys like, "Heroin." Not a chance in hell. You wouldn't have
that much energy and you wouldn't be here. No one shoots up and is like, "I love to drool,
and laugh, and piss." Heroin's not a comedy drug ever. But some people, man, do they do the drugs. God, where was I? I was in Arizona, and I was like, "Hey guys, what's
your favorite dr-?" I didn't even ask
what drug do you do? I got partway
through the word drug in what's your favorite drug? "What's your favorite dr-? And this guy goes, "Cocaine." Before I finish the word drug. Just pulled his gun out, shot it outta the air, spun it back in the holster. But I was playing
upstate New York, was playing a club
and the booker, the buyer, or the owner were like, "Hey, would you mind
doing a matinee show?" And I'm like, "Yeah." I don't like doing three
shows in the night. Like that third show, you're like, "Did I
do this joke already? "Where am I? "What's my name?" Three separate hours, you tend to lose track. He's like, "Well,
it's like a favor. "We have a massive
senior citizen community "and they just want
to come to a show "and they don't
wanna be up late." I'm like, "Oh yeah, let's do it. "Let's see who comes." Packed house. Packed house of people, 75 and older. Yeah, it was actually awesome. They were fun, they rolled with everything, it's great. So I was looking out of
this audience of old folks, and I was like, "Should
I do the drug survey?" Everything in me screamed, no. And I'm like, "Nope, screw that. "Do it. "You guys do drugs?" Silence, icy silence, like a tumbleweed rolling in, floating on the wind. Not even on the ground. And I was like, "What's your favorite drug? "Call it out." Nothing. A silence beyond silence. And I go, "Guys, it
doesn't matter what drug, "whatever you're into. "It doesn't have to be a
cool drug or an illegal drug. "Caffeine's a drug, "alcohol's a drug. "Tylenol's a drug, "whatever you like." And this brave man saved my ass by going, "Benadryl?" Fuck yeah, Benadryl. That's a great drug, sir. A pill that makes you not itch. Amazing. If I'm on tour with fish, I want Benadryl. I don't want weed. I want to not itch from all
this rashes I'm getting. I'm sleeping in this tent. Good call. I'm like, "Anyone else." And this lady with a beehive, her hand comes up like this, just shaking. And I'm like, "You don't
have to raise your hand. "What is your name, ma'am?" she goes, "Doris." And I go, "Doris,
what's your drug?" And she goes, "NyQui." And I go, "Okay, Doris, "let me ask you something. "You ever fill it
up past the line." And she goes, "Mm-hm." Now we're partying Doris. Now we're partying. Doris likes a full cup, man. You guys are awesome. I'm gonna do one
more bit for you. You guys rock, I was gonna say that. Thank you. Very cool. I think every guy has to have
good examples growing up, to learn what it is
to be a good man. But I think we also need
a few terrible examples. We need to meet guys
we're just like, "I can never be you. "Man, do you suck?" We have to have those
guys floating around and I was on vacation
with my wife in Anguilla, it's a beautiful island
in the Caribbean. And I met the worst
guy I've ever met. And his name was Doug. And that sucked because every
other Doug I've ever met is super chill. Sells you eat at a discount, smokes a little with you, teaches you about
life, unrattled. Doug, is anyone
coming to my party? "Cool, man, I'm here." They'll show up. "It's me, Doug." Dougs are awesome. But this Doug sucked. And the first night, all the new people that
had just come to resort, they're like, "Would you like
to go on a sunset cruise?" And I'm like, "That
sounds delightful." Turns out it's just a
giant speedboat with seats. And they gave us a
jug of rum runners. And it was the kind of
alcoholic level, rum runner, where you have two sips
and you're just like, "Why do we worry about anything? "I feel great. "Why worry, man, "life is awesome. "It's awesome." Reveals how hammered you are. And then they just
hit the throttle and you're just
hitting every wave. Like just splashing your
drink all over yourself. Just like, "This is
the best sunset cruise "I've ever been on in my life." Just drink all over
your face and chest. And we drove out past
the breakers and settled, and then we started
meeting each other. We're all comfortably drunk. And like, "What do
you do for a living? "Oh, that's cool. "And where are you from?" And we're from all other
places around the world. And then Doug starts
walking around and alphaing everybody on
the boat, men and women. Doug was deep into his 50s. He'd already been drinking
before he got on the speed boat, so he is hammered. And he's just going
up to everyone going, "So what do you
do for a living?" And no matter what they say, he'd be like, "Huh,
all right, whatever." Like it's not a real job. But not in a funny way. He condescend it to all of us. And I'm just like, "Oh, Doug don't come to me." I don't even understand
what I do for a living. Like I don't even get it. So he was like,
"What about you bro?" Bro, he's 56. Calm down, let bro go, man. He's like, "What about you bro?" I'm like, "Oh, I'm
actually a comedian, Doug." And he's like, "Good
luck with that." Which is how I feel every
night on this stage. Moment to moment. Here we go. Hope they like this joke. Good luck with that,
out of the plane. No parachute. That's my job, Doug. You nailed it. And then we're all like, Doug walks away with my wife and I look
at each other like, "Fuck this guy." Then the guy at the other end
of the boat recognizes me. He goes, "Hey, wait a minute. "Hey man, are you
Matt Braunger?" And I'm like, "Yeah,
yeah, that's me." And he's like, "Oh dude, my wife and I
loved your last special. "You're awesome, man." I'm like, "Thanks,
dude, sincerely." And Doug's head just snaps. He looks at me 'cause
now I have value. And he's like, "I
knew I knew this guy. "I knew..." He never knew me, never once. He's like, "This guy's
a fucking assassin, "fucking assassin. "I knew it, you're a
fucking assassin, bro." And he goes to high
five me and misses. 'Cause he sees like six of me, Doug and his wife
were terrible, man. We hated them. At one point Doug
got a Caribbean man who worked there, working a job to
loan him his durag. Doug put it on, started doing hip hop poses. Did you hear every white
person's butt hole just pucker? Did you hear that? Like, "We can't afford you, man. "We gotta throw you
off this boat, Doug. "Cement shoe this motherfucker." We're done no more
white people like you. He sucks. And him and his wife, I think the worst thing
is they hate their kids. Doug's wife, one point was like, "We
have three kids, ah." My wife goes, "Are they here?" And Doug's wife
says and I quote, "Fuck that, fuck no, "fuck them." Fuck them? Take it easy, Doug's wife. These are your children. So fast forward to a
couple years later, my wife and I were
in San Francisco. Now we go every year, second weekend of March, and just enjoy each other. I don't do any shows. I don't do any work at all. She doesn't do any work at all. We just hang out and
we celebrate each other and we love that city. And we've had great times there. And every year we go, because my wife is a pirate. She always goes, "Let's
get butt tattoos, "let's get butt tattoos." And I'm like, "Yeah!" 'Cause I'm drunk, halfway there in a cab. I always out bitch out. I'm like, "I don't wanna." And we have to turn
the cab around. It's pathetic. And we've had her ups and downs, she and I, and I felt I had to
show her commitment beyond our engagement. We were engaged to be
married at the time. We didn't have a kid yet. And so we sat down, the second night we were there. When you ordered drinks, she picks hers up. I'm like, "Before you drink
that, and I drink mine, "we're getting butt
tattoos tonight." And she goes, "You won't, "you're gonna puss out." And I'm like, "Mm-mm,
we're doing it." She's like, "Well,
what am I getting?" Okay, you're getting
what you said to me when I proposed to you, when I'm on one need, do you remember? She goes, "No," You said, "Shhh!" she shushed me, I'm on one knee. Like, you're the greatest wo- "Shhh!" What the fuck!
This is my moment. And she can't take a compliment. She's like, "Well,
what are you getting?" I need to volunteer to come
on this stage right now and read my butt
tattoo to the room. You ma'am, come on up. You right there, come on up. Give her a hand, clear a hole, clear a hole. Go right through here. Keep it going. Keep it going guys. Keep it strong. Come right here. Here's the stairs. Take your time. Take your time. All right. What is
your name, ma'am? - Mona. - Give it up for Mona everybody. Thank you Mona. Now I have permission to
show you my bottom, yes? Cool, okay. Take the mic. You see, she's seen
them all, folks. Way to go, Mona. So just read whatever
you see on my butt, okay. - Okay, okay. This is happening! "Fucking assassin." Oh my God, fucking assassin. That's beautiful. - Thank you, Mona. Thank you, guys. Have a good night. Thank you very much.
