Childhood Sexual Abuse Survivor-William

down you're right I always had uh thanks for traveling I like traveling I like going places seeing things and uh Great Outdoors when I was a kid I used to love to uh go hunting fishing and stuff uh growing up with a lot of real father figure where'd you grow up in Glendale and then here in West L.A but you were born in Miami yeah I was born in Miami what was your family like growing up uh my father was a great father he he was a drug dealer I didn't know this uh he was a drug dealer uh sort of a not a tough guy he was just always an argument with my mom but he was a good good father he gave me everything I wanted he had uh on Miami River he had a business which still runs now but it's not it's not uh his business anymore or the family business it's we still hold the name uh on the river uh Garcia and harada and uh during the 70s nobody he ran a lot of drugs up and down and my mother was scared and she was always left alone people with guns while I was showing up in their house and she just didn't like it and uh she was the one I she was the one that always started the fight uh but my father was he he did hit her but it wasn't bad you just hold her down because he was gonna do she was small she's small but she always did the hating and uh my father was always like trying to hold her down and she didn't have bruised up and he never called the cops but a she would steals his money I remember that and she stole a bunch of money and came over here with me and my sister had a younger sister a couple years younger and then I and uh she just passed away a month ago and I'm drinking and uh she was murdered also okay how would you describe your childhood uh my childhood growing up in in in Glendale was great uh wanted to be a voice a Cub Scout I became a Cub Scout my mom worked hard at IBM she didn't know no English but uh uh her visa at that time uh in in the 70s a recent attempt I guess gave her the job in Florida and IBM was was in Glendale and she worked IBM and she worked hard to give us everything make it happy we didn't have a father figure in our life at first but we we met uh she met somebody in email had a Mexican guy named Alejandro and uh he was cool at first and everything and uh but things turned out I mean it's like [ __ ] my head but my mother didn't know what was going on for a while it's just I was sad I was flunking it all all grades and and everything I I started flunking and not only that I was uh I wouldn't talk I wouldn't talk I lost interest in a lot of things and uh he's just uh he he's ruined it it ruined me completely what age was this uh that was seven years old at seven after preschool uh this was your mom's yeah my mom's boyfriend I don't know uh they had a a child together my younger brother and uh I don't know if you'll probably see yourself he'll hate me later but uh he did he a lot of people don't know what really happened uh but he here uh I'm sorry my mother Mary Alejandro and he was a cool guy long hair uh sort of like a hippie type but but more of the Macho and he used to beat us beat my mom and and he was always like uh wanted to dress real dressed to impress and my mom I just liked the guy I mean he worked hard he did have he put uh food on the table gave us all the presents we wanted give us money but I mean it was for something at first we didn't know I didn't know it was going off to my sister also but uh he would tell me hey I'll give you five dollars but you got to do this I was gonna I didn't know what was going on I mean he had to grab his balls or and stuff like that and uh he he was a lot of other things it was uh I remember a teacher asking me one time if uh something was wrong because I acted different her name was Miss Pena and uh she named the child after me uh she asked me if I was eating the paint off the walls because I was acting real weird he drugged us he drugged me and I think it was roofies I don't know what kind of drug he gave us uh but it it affected both of us real bad uh my speech patterns started changing uh it was just crazy I remember waking up one time and climbing the wall trying to see myself climbing the wall thinking I was a spider and my mom would be yelling at me and uh you know but I would wake up at in in the morning we'd come last you know I mean I didn't know it was that though I mean it was slippery slimy and I thought it was normal I thought it was normal and and my mom she would see that and and would take us to the doctor I think the doctor told her something but she would refuse it like like to to accept it or or something I I I barely asked her uh why I mean and she just didn't know and she honestly she didn't know she became an alcoholic from that she started drinking and uh and we started drinking I guess I I drank at a young age also at first and then my sister started drinking also and that's where she passed away from last month and uh drinking and taking pills and uh I I started messing up trying to turn I hated myself I wanted to be something else I didn't want to be William I wanted to be something or get away from everybody and get away from her mother get away from the little boring what I thought was pouring and and crazy life I had so I started turning to other guys that that I looked up to and their younger brothers and stuff and hanging out with them and uh I have I turned into a gang member I mean at first it it didn't seem like so but I wasn't paying attention to my mother I remember age 11 i i i i aged 11 and 12 I told my mother that I was gonna buy my own clothes and uh said okay I mean but uh yeah I just wanted to address differently I wanted to be something else I would lie about everything I would uh uh tell people that were rich or got people we had money and just can make a whole different identity and uh I just didn't like me anymore I uh I had no interest in school I remember I was young five to six I wanted to be a school boy I wanted to be things I wanted to be the cop I wanted to be a fireman a a Cub Scout I did come with a Cub Scout I had I was losing interest in a lot of things I love fishing I loved hunting I loved the outdoors I still do and um right and it stuck with me that stuck with me but I I didn't want a father I wanted a brother and the older brother I wanted to learn things yet I there was nobody teaching me anything and you don't see any taught me was sex was this guy that went until I was nine years old and uh I guess my mother figured it out and uh she moved us here to West L.A and uh to get away from him by that time we we had a younger brother named Alex also and uh he I guess wanted to follow my mother more he apologized but it wasn't just only uh him Alejandro it was his brother Gustavo every time he came from Mexico same thing and and to please him I I remember I was I mean I was bringing able and sexual abuse came yeah your mom's boyfriend and his brother and his brother and his brother and so I I I I didn't know what was going on so I touched his balls I mean I and I thought it was everybody did that and uh I remember going to school I would touch the girls to the girls with asses and stuff and and uh I tell the kids hey you want to touch my balls that's from Miss pineal my teacher uh it was a second grade she she uh she said hey what are you doing you don't do that what's going on in your house and uh she goes that's not right she called a cop and the cop didn't like what was going on at all and he talked his Spirit but he couldn't do nothing about it they couldn't do anything about it and my mom got excited she got mad that I I mean that I told the story and um that's when espanol was telling me that's not right and uh but life should be this way that way I started hanging around a kid named Brian and he was good he was a great kid and he was telling me that stuff that I was doing shouldn't be happening and his father started telling me that I mean he beat up Alejandro and I remember I felt real bad about it but I've seen channel was happy and uh no one got into an argument with me and they both beat me and uh I felt like like [ __ ] I mean what's right what's wrong and uh I started being a loner I started hanging out by myself sort of an outcast and uh our stealing I was stealing uh the things because my mom would no longer buy me the things that I needed or wanted I wanted to be Little League uh first at uh what's it called TiVo and uh she didn't buy anything um the things I wanted or I have to refuse I stole the stuff I stole the the balls and love and everything went to a specific Park in Glendale and to the parking and enrolled in yeah I made the team and I had my mom signed me on uh she didn't pay uh she didn't pay for the for my uh my fee but somebody else did and uh other dads would take me out and uh I think they they knew what was going on uh and they would try to like give me advice and uh I just hated myself for that I mean that I couldn't do nothing about it that I couldn't change anything and later I found out that it was happening my sister is one day uh we're living in Colorado and uh I understand it's my sister what's it called to go get something from the market we're little kids markets around the corner though and uh my sister's looking at me like oh no he sends me to go to the market and I didn't want to I didn't want it my sister said no no no don't go don't go I said why everyone go get candy and gave us five dollars you could no no don't go please don't go and so I stayed and he got mad and uh he took the five dollars back and then I said I asked my sister what's going on and he wasn't judges me I'm like what and uh last when I first got the idea it was happening to her too and I asked her questions like where does he touch you down here and I touched her too you know at first I touched it you're like you're you're what he feels because I just don't like it it hurts and uh yeah he touches me too she she started hugging me and I hugged her back and we went and told our mother together and my mother still like At first like you shouldn't be lying you shouldn't be saying [ __ ] like this and and uh we kept quiet about it and uh Gustavo would come and same thing my sister and me who drug us both and uh we wake up with [ __ ] in her ass like that and but we thought it was normal well like I said my mother got in practice away when I was nine my sister was and she was six uh at five or six and I was you know she was seven actually she was seven that was nine and uh right here to West L.A we live not so far from the Staple Center and uh mother made another boyfriend here and a Cuban guy and he he was a pretty mother was pregnant at that time and and uh Cuba guy was real cool people and uh I still I would still want her there's still a careful weary of adults and yet when if if the guy was just a little older than me I'd take him on as a big brother follow him around but out here with Mexicans and and uh the gang banging style I mean it was just new to us and uh I just wanted to be like them they had girls that had money that cars they had everything I wanted and uh and forget about school forget about listening to adults and forget father figures forget all this I mean and my sister the same thing uh she followed along she followed me along with me uh we uh I became a gang member first and then uh I've never told anybody the story after that uh I just tried to hide it stash it away and so did my sister and uh but it was freaky things going on it was we are I guess that was my my sexual life was changed completely I knew what sex was I I wanted to practice sex I wanted to to uh what's it called explore but not with boys but women and I wanted to explore it I was watching porn and looking at porn and uh at the same time when I see these guys with women it's like you were doing anything here but yeah my first real sexual experience was when I was 12. and uh it was a lady named Blanca my mom's friend and she's she was like 25 I was 12 years old and she was drunk at the house my mom was an alcoholic full-blong at this time and uh I would see I was normal for me to already see my mother drunk we lived in smaller smaller apartments and I I would see her drunk and we still me and my sister would steal the people's money and uh but blocked out come here and uh and my sister would laugh at me hear me that was me under the covers with Blanca touching her and she taught me where to touch her and stuff and uh she said that she's told me one time it wasn't right what happened to me and I would try to block that out and uh but I I at the same time she said those people should be killed and that it was right she introduced me to a guy named Manuel manual and Billy Manuel and Billy were friends they worked in a place here in downtown called New York hardware store place was open since 1910 and uh it was like my second job my first Christmas MacArthur Park running out the boats and giving out snow cones second job uh was right here right there in New York hardware store and uh manual ability became sort of like my big brothers and they were great these guys would teach me from fishing everything I wanted I had lost interest in they picked up and uh they moved me into her house I'm telling you I I moved away from my mother at a young age uh went to live with them in East L.A manual uh manuals like treating me like a a little brother and since I was already interested in sex at a young age he would show me like hey this is what you do to a girl this is what you do a girl and uh I never told him what went on but he kind of like figured out or or had that like uh I think uh Blanca told him that something was wrong like like with our childhood and uh he took me in had me working John Durant was the owner at that time the old man had been through World War one and World War II and the Korean War so this guy is like everything I wanted to be is all the things he had done uh uh uh he had trophies of fishing all the places I wanted to go he he had gone I loved hearing stories and and uh John would tell me all kinds of stories and and he would he hired me at a young age he said this was only supposed to be a summer job but I worked there for good school and uh and I would hang around with friends at night time but I had money now and oh oh we fixed the guns there they fixed guns and I I started learning how to Tinker with guns at a younger age and uh I would just to to prove these other guys being gangs gangs and stuff they were from 18th Street uh around my house they were from 18th Street and I would uh show off like take a gun and show them that I knew how to fix it and someone would bring guns to me and say hey can you have this I try I would take it manually fix it I'll take it back to them so I started getting a little popularity like that and uh Fidel was a great guy he was a drug addict I didn't know this is before crack came out he was cocaine at it and my mom I guess that was her first time being she she never did any dope she tried it I went to the hospital because of it uh uh Fidel was a cool person and uh where the Staple Center stands out now and it's like a block away uh we lived there and uh Georgia and uh Fidel was a cool person he uh I don't know if my mother told him uh what was going on but one day Alex came came to see his son he was really born and beat up beat him up and he that was a he's been in prison in Cuba and everything and he didn't go for none of that [ __ ] yeah I remember him saying yo you like touching little kids such a man and touch a man grab my nuts yeah he's trying he's trying to grab my notes and I liked the fear that he put in you know I like the fear he put it on I I I just enjoyed it and and allowed to see all Alejandro was begging to see his son my little brother Alex and uh if your dad was just laughing you got a knife in his hand oh slash your face I'll cut your nuts up you mean once you touch me and uh I just like and uh 508 no man's ever supposed to touch you you touch women you don't ever let a man touch you I mean and if he does cut and he cut him where he split his throat shoot him do whatever but don't ever let him not touch and I like that I mean I like that it gave me a sense of you know what and he had a gun he would let me hold his gun and uh he would let him take out you know you would get [ __ ] up and I would just take the gun so I'd show off of it and but then I knew how to handle a gun it's manual Billy a game of time where I started hearing well I I started knowing what sex was and and what are to do's and not to use I mean I I I did not like gay people at first I did not it was like and I hated people to touch kids and uh every time somebody said oh yeah he's a child let's do it I've I'd be the first one to raise my hand as a kid raise my hand to you shoot them beat them up do I was always beating them at first and uh well Fidel said always stuck in my head and uh you kill him you kill him I mean those guys deserve to be dead and uh it's stuck in my head I remember just one day that they were both coming over they told my mother they were coming well that Gustavo was coming from Mexico and uh they would like my little brother to show up at the house and uh if me and my sister didn't go too and my mother said no no I said I'll go I mean I'll go I'll go I'll go because he was offering me money and uh I went they didn't touch me he didn't do anything they just said hi how's your mom doing are you taking care of your little brother and I believe I am and but I was quiet and I just wanted I had seen movies and I had at what my friends told me my new friends told me what to do to a guy to uh look at their behavior but not Behavior parents but look at where they live and stuff like that and I had a gun I had a little 25. and uh in my head I was what they did to me was like a No-No I I really wanted I wanted them dead and uh what it is my sister I just kept quiet and one day I caught the bus went all the way to Glendale I knew where he worked and and I shot him I shot him and he worked in a Brick Lane Factory by the river and uh the Valley River and uh not Brooklyn it was a ceramic uh they made ceramic uh statues and stuff and I went in there I just shot him yeah I shot him in the neck and uh at first I was scared uh but I did it just like I did a little birds and little uh a chipmunks and stuff and I had a little chipmunk rifle but uh with a 25 never shot anything uh it was just targets but I shot him in the neck and uh I didn't say anything I just shot him and uh I hated him he just kept saying no no no no no no he's gonna beat me up he's gonna what we need I just kept you hey unloaded the clip I I I just your whole I was 12 years old 12 and a half and uh I didn't say nothing I didn't tell anybody anything what do I have I felt very happy next was his brother uh his brother came for his funeral and uh to to take him to Mexico and I remember so nobody knew that you did it no no he just had somebody uh went over there tried to take his money and then they came up with all kinds I stole this chain and uh I had his I was wearing his chains quite a while his big old Waterloo Regional Guadalupe it was a 18 karat gold chain and I had it stolen from me yeah right here in downtown oh that was a young kid and I pulled that 25 out but he misfired or didn't fire it all the guy and my buddy Eddie I told me he told me hey ma'am the hell man you wouldn't shoot that guy go again I told him that I shot this guy and I told her I didn't tell him why I just told my instructor and then he goes yeah I'll leave you with me I did shot him in there and uh it was he deserved it I very much deserved it I told him to touch my sister made around online yeah he deserved it I mean and then uh when Gustavo came to to take Miss brother's body back to Mexico and his mother wanted to back over there like that uh I had the opportunity because Gustavo wanted to go visit my little brother and this is my mother was quiet and everything and but Gustavo died behind the house I didn't shoot him I had my friends 42nd little criminals Club and uh we went over we jumped the [ __ ] out of them beat the shots of Granada he had and and just beat him up beat the shadow he was practically knocked out when I grabbed this little piece of wire like a bicycle wire and Joe and uh my buddy hadn't seen that one he goes hey can I kill him so [ __ ] him I mean yeah she said [ __ ] him I wanted to be tough guy but then I wanted to be uh not recognized but just play tough I wanted to be something else than what I really was I was just scared all along and uh I choked him he was half asleep and we were knocked out when I did when he did and uh he died too and uh uh I cried I I I didn't let nobody see it or anything I just took off running and uh I wanted to tell my mom I wanted to tell a couple people I didn't tell anybody and uh put my buddy Eddie I had to go tell his mom his mom really could tell a cop and I got busted it was about I think three weeks later I ended up confessing to a crime and they took me to juvenile hall to both crimes yeah for both crimes because I wanted to play tough guy I didn't know how to answer the questions it was right here at the station and uh uh the cop was asking me a bunch of questions why I would tell them because I wanted to and I just want to be tough guy and look down if I told Morgan I was from and uh he put me in for the first degree murder and uh I didn't know what was going on he said the cop said he was gonna let me go if I told him the whole story but I didn't tell him that I got my list and uh as I said if I can why did you do it it's because I wanted to I mean it's because I feel like man you spoons your whole life you know that I didn't D those words didn't penetrate my mind it's just I wanted to I wanted well I was confessing someone like like sayings slipping up so much even to my lawyer that the judge the the arraigned me at first were you in juvenile hall the judge the judge you get at first is the judge sticks with you the whole case and he he talked to me like like he was my lawyer he if it benefits you he'll accept a plea or he'll he'll I mean he just wants to know why and uh he he he said you think you're a bad I remember you said you think you're a bad guy you think you're a tough guy you think you're a younger I said I am and uh he got me he broke me down and so many words he he kept asking me questions and taking information out of me until I told him little by little what happened and he cut everything right there he called somebody else I remember he had called somebody else because I want you to write this down or jot this down and uh I knew it he kept saying I knew it I knew it I mean I knew it I knew it why and he made me confess that was the first person I ever confessed to what really happened and uh like the whole thing and uh and he shook my like like hit me in the head Patty me hugged me and he goes I would have did the same thing don't ever say that I would do the same thing and he goes but you don't kill I mean you just don't kill in this country you don't kill and uh you're gonna be over it you said you're gonna be okay this is after eight months going to court and stuff and uh they're gonna send me to ya and stuff he ended up sending me to camp and uh how things went in Camp or determined if I was going to go to y a till I was 25 or not uh things went Green Camp I was happy uh whatever happened being in Camp was like for me wasn't a train gun it was like going back to school uh what happened uh in the past was like forgotten and I was in the outdoors I was in La Verne Laverne uh California San Dimas but Vernon area I've seen it here and everything and and there was uh things conservical Durant I still remember the 80s of these guys were so cool they would show us what the outdoors was how to start a fires like being Cub Scouts all over all over again and uh it it I wanted to be there I wanted to be participate I wanted uh they didn't have no counseling or anything like that but the judge always wrote me and uh he ended up dying but he always brought me uh sent money for I can have things and and uh he he was a great guy I mean uh how much time did you get uh I a year and a half it wasn't for two murders what determined if by I uh uh what's it called I I wasn't even in high school yet but it how I behaved to learn a word pattern I remember oh my God it was like I learned how to weld I learned how to write and handwriting I I uh it was like the best thing that happened to me you can't and uh he when I got back out uh gang bang was in style and it was good and bad manual was still around that time he hadn't passed away yet but Manuel and Billy were still around he still wanted me to work but I had lost interest in that I was more into the gang bang at first I was wanted fishing the hunting but I was more into the women now at 14 15 uh hormones were raging and I went to a women and one woman and since I had that face that everybody could trust I think okay uh I was called upon for everything and I had no problem with it so where's your life gone since then excuse me where's your life gone since then he's gone down the hill it was good at first I was rising up in the gang uh Argan we started Our Gang uh it was a club that threw a football club at first and then it became a gang because somebody got killed and it became a gang and then since I had that reputation already I had gone to jail uh I know how to fix guns uh older gangs would send their guns to us or I would fix it or whatever and I knew a lot of backgrounds and I was that was my only interest is was gone to end women and uh I did not use drugs until I was what 22 and uh it was the worst thing I ever did try drugs while I was niod when I was in prison uh but I was trusted for a long time and uh I liked it because everybody treated with me respect uh everybody wanted to be hanging around with me and doing a home and and you're in the hall the second time I went to Camp everybody wanted to hear because I had been the murderer already and uh something popular happened at that time um it was a shootout happened where the convention Center's at and it came out on video and it was me shooting at the people you could pull it out of YouTube it was me and a friend shooting at a car and we shot I shot the guy in the butt and he actually he's actually my friend now I shot the guy in the butt it was a gang called Burlington and uh arrival and uh it became popular he still not had a little reputation and then the the 90s hit it was even worse it was it was I was I went to prison uh for guns and uh my reputation was growing and it's like there was a stories out there that I did this I did that and I didn't but I yeah yeah just stay quiet yeah so since you were a teenager just in and out of prison yeah yeah or selling drugs I did not touch marijuana I did drink I do not touch marijuana I didn't touch anything I well I did try mushrooms I did try acid I did not like I did try these I do not like any what is your drug today uh today's heroin it was heroin now it's fentanyl where do you stay now uh I still while I was with my wife she kicked me out now I'm with my mom and my mom kicked me out also I go back in my year every day she started singing I lost so much weight I had an accident a few months months back and uh it went to fentanyl because it was hard to get heroin after my Suboxone started getting losing it being high I used to I started abusing my Suboxone and being high I would lose it and uh I started on 15 I started oding I've never OD'd so much in my life and uh my life now is like uh I'm a three Striker I've been to prison what three four times already I've even been a federal prison uh for extortion and guns nah I Dibbles and dabbles almost every type of crime decision uh sex crimes I hate sex crimes people with sex crimes and and to this day uh I I just regret how my life has turned out completely I have my partners a total opposite from me we've been together for a long time she came to this country not knowing her word of English and she's a microbiologist now like she's my total opposite yes uh we're not married but we're even Vice partner we've been together forever and uh uh one daughter and and uh honestly he's not my daughter well and she she messed up while I was locked up and had a baby girl I I mean I was there too I'll try to be there and uh but I I she didn't know I use drugs until like 10 years ago and uh I told her she found out what heroin was how bad it was and at first she thought the world was over well now she thinks the same thing about Fentanyl and we're arguing about that now and she's trying to she's trying to stay strong but and she's trying to be supportive yeah but I'm messing it up child abuse is kind of why you your life took this path yeah I told her finally told her what happened in my life and uh not everything uh I I I recently told her again that I I took Alejandro out and uh I haven't told my little brother he doesn't know he keeps asking about his dad and uh I don't know if he's gonna talk to me but I did tell him when I was drunk one time that I took them out yeah but he said you take everybody out you can't remember that my brothers turned into a responsible person uh he went through Foster Homes at first and then to to camps and now he's a success story and uh I admire him now and and uh I look up to him and he he looks down on me I think he does and uh he uh and now my sister passed away last month and from from alcohol it's it's hard man it's hard let's hit up a key like this is so he's taking his instance here when you take everything from him and uh it's hard to live life be trying to be something else you're not and I don't know if uh 50 years old now ah my sister's dead but it's uh I feel like she's still an alcoholic yeah I should we try to talk like adults now uh I nobody hardly knows the story but if you do if there's anybody out there been hurt or anything like this talk about it I think it gets better over time you start learning how to love yourself after a while you come to terms with who you are and uh how to treat yourself I mean I'm messed up but now I'm using pets at all right now I'm stuck on it now uh I'm running for my parole and uh I might turn myself in just to help and hopefully my wife will be happy if I do I just want something normal I'm tired of living a life of trying to be something else and having something else or have having things I just want normal simplicity and that's all all right William thank you so much for sharing your story thank you good luck with everything I felt good

Channel: Soft White Underbelly

Views: 163,761

Keywords: soft white underbelly, swu

Id: PpNhY2h4K6Y

Length: 41min 3sec (2463 seconds)

Published: Sun Nov 20 2022