My Parents Were Pedophiles-Lisa

all right Lisa Lisa where'd you grow up where are you from originally uh born and raised in Riverside California I grew up amongst the Orange Groves and I'm working class neighborhood tell me about your family well if you saw my parents they look like they came straight out of a 1950s magazine they look innocent and safe but they were anything but safe tell me yeah so um I'm the youngest of three my brother and sister are older they were adopted because my mom couldn't have kids which is fine I'm a miracle but that became an issue in our family because my parents are dysfunctional and made it an issue but my earliest memory is of I guess I was about five and I was looking over my mom which I know now she had attempted suicide but um I didn't know was what was going on then but my parents divorced when I was five and they were very contentious with each other and you know put us in the middle and you know try to make each other look bad um but my mom I guess went away for a little bit my grandmother came and stayed with us about the only time I saw my grandmother in my childhood and um my mom came back a party woman she was a singles woman at this point so it became all about the singles world and a woman a single mother with issues is a pedophile magnet and that's exactly what my mother was and so the first clear memory I have of being sexually abused was from John and he was super helpful to my mom came around the house and you know did whatever she wanted and my mom thought it was a good idea to work evenings so we were alone in the evenings and John would come and see me in the evenings and so I you know pedophiles are always looking for opportunities besides the fact that I was there alone without a parent I was starving for affection my own father wouldn't give me affection I asked him for hugs and he was just very cold and distant and uh so John John was there to give me attention and ice cream and one day he's like Lisa let's go get ice cream and uh so I'm like yeah I like ice cream let's go get it but instead of going to Thrifty's Ice Cream he went into a field and it was different in the field than at home and all I remember really is just the the look in his eyes changing to I don't know more primal and just being in his car with him and yeah at the end he looks at me and he says do you love your mom yeah you know I'm five I love my mom um do you want your mom to live yeah yeah and he said if I say anything about what happened then you know she'll die so but I I didn't know what to say I don't have words I don't know what penises vagina sex petting I don't know anything so I don't know what to say um so I didn't say anything and the next day or the next week he came back over brought me crayons and a coloring book and so you know I'm excited for that and I start coloring and he starts to proceed to molest me and he has his hands up my my little dress and my sister comes pounding in the living room and like she's pissed she's like five years older than me so she's a 10 year old girl and she's like what is going on and looking at me you know like it's my fault and I just I don't know what's going on what's going on I don't again I don't have words for it and um so John pulls his hand out and jumps up and leaves the next day or so my sister has my mom and John gathered around the kitchen table and they call me in and she says Lisa what happened and I again I don't have words I'm avoiding looking at John I I have nothing to say so that's it but it was my sister who was angry and she ended up telling my father when my father came over he said Lisa I understand that you know John molested you and just you know just don't make a big deal about it don't make a big deal and you know at five like okay I I don't even know you know a five-year-old brain what's going on making a big deal about it so um so that's that's my first experience with a pedophile that my mom um connected with a guy named Larry and Larry felt that it was his you know moral obligation to raise us girls to not be frigid when we grew up I remember him telling me that like you know I don't want you to be frigid when you get older and I I don't know what frigid meant yeah I was like refrigerator I don't know and um so it's my brother's sister and myself and my mom and he thought that he would start by showing us uh how to not be frigid I guess by going to nudist camps so Glenn Eden Sun Club um was a place that he took us which is super awkward and we didn't want to get naked and we protested and it was gross and weird but you even though it's a family nudist camp nobody can have their clothes on so um so here we are there you know a bunch of kids naked just awkwardly looking at each other and I was kind of freaked out because I didn't know I'm trying not to look but why does that man look different from that man I have no idea um but we we try to have fun and you know it turns out that nudist camps are pedophile magnets go figure and there's a pool for little kids and then the bigger pool you had to earn your dolphin tag for that so in the little pool was manned by I don't know the hairy guy and he you know us kids would line up and he would take turns you know throwing us into the deep end and but you know accidentally not accidentally grab you know my crotch area or something I'm sure other kids he did that too as well and then in the big pool was a guy named We nicknamed the doctor he wore goggles and we would be swimming and he would swim underneath and we just knew you know so we like part the water and try to get out so that was a regular experience going to Glen Eden with Larry and my mom and then when we would get home he felt that it was important apparently to actually show us what sex was again I I don't remember that word being used but he and called me in the room once and I know now what was happening they were having sexual intercourse and just told me to sit down and watch and then another time um on our kitchen table he calls all of us kids in and is having sex with my mother on the kitchen table and gives my brother a camera to take pictures and you know we're just goofy awkward kids it's I don't know so um he proceeds to you know this goes on and sometimes we went to his place and when we went to his place it seemed like he liked to take my sister alone in the room with him and my mom and my brother and I just bummed around his place and then I know that I was alone with them at least once all I remember is um him showing me a sex toy him and my mom and then afterwards I knew what it was and how to use it at five and so that wasn't all you know Larry asked me one day to make him a bath and he was going to show me how to bathe him so I do to flea went to the bathroom now Larry had a problem with my brother my brother was a little cusser okay my brother's about three and a half years older than me I guess he didn't like Larry and so he's told him something like [ __ ] you Larry you know and Larry was like no this was not okay with him and so he's naked I'm standing by the bathroom my brother comes out and he grabs my brother by the ankles and he picks him up and he starts dipping his head in the toilet like he's waterboarding him and I'm just I'm just heartbroken and terrified for my brother and um helpless and so um then my brother runs off you know in shame and humiliation and Larry says Lisa come in here and proceeded to show me how to bathe him you know in all areas so that relationship didn't last even though my mom blamed us kids you know good I'm glad Larry's gone however the early sexualization and the um the violence the anger you know just rolled downhill and who's at the bottom so my brother I know my siblings are victims as well but um what ended up happening is it started to become not just my brother but a neighborhood game like let's pants Lisa so it would go from yeah we're playing hide and go seek or something and now it's time to pounce Lisa and so I would start running and I would always do my best to get away but I was never successful and we'd end up in in a room in the house and they'd rip off my clothes one boy on each arm and leg and ripped my legs open and start experimenting poking laughing ignoring ignoring me and um you know that went on I don't know how long I'm thinking until my stepdad came into our lives but you know once you are kind of labeled as in my mind I think of it as like you're be you're used so fair game you know so I was like fair game for the boys in the neighborhood I couldn't just ride my bike down the street sometimes I could but sometimes I couldn't and Keith and Craig would grab me off my bike and drag me into their house or come in my backyard and run you know would try to get me to do sexual things with him it was just a um chaotic mess of a neighborhood and things weren't were bad they were bad one day um before school there was a knock at the door and I I answered it and as this guy with this big smile Fuller brush salesman and um he's like is your mom home and I'm like yeah and I anyway I came home that day and he was still there and so this guy became my stepdad and he he was my best parent he could have been a pedophile but that wasn't his thing he liked my mom and um Larry actually not Larry Ray um tried to parent us and so he uh I pretty much put a stop to my brother's assaults and um I guess I cried a lot as a child um as he reminded me as an adult like Lisa you would always be crying and but what but Ray what Ray did is he would come in the room and he would pick me up and Carry Me to my mom's bed and lay me next to her and then he would go lay on the couch and she never gave me a hug or brushed my hair out of my eyes or anything like that but just Rey giving me that nurturing was very special it gave me a sense of what real affection for my parent would look like unfortunately he was a Merchant Marine and so he would be gone like six months out of the year and um so when he was gone things are worse but I was always there dropping him off at the Port of Los Angeles and picking him up we had a good time together um he was Street Smart you know so we got schooled street-wise ways but anyway so that was I was nine when he came into our lives and he left when I was 12 but in the meantime while when when he was on the ship I guess my sister went back East to visit our grandmother and on the way back she met a couple on a train Don and Jody and uh I guess they found out that they're talking to this teenage girl that oh my gosh we go to nudist camps too that we she went to nudist camps they go to nudist camps and somehow it became the plan that they're going to take me to nudist camp I'm 11 years old and my mom's like Lisa your sister met this couple and they're going to take you to Glen Eden and I said no I don't want to go I don't want to go to Glen Eden I don't want to get naked in front of people again but she said you're going so I'm in my bedroom and they come in to the house and I hear them laughing and then yucking it up in the kitchen and my mom calls me out and they're like oh you're Lisa okay well let's go you know and I'm sure Jody saw my hesitation she's like come on let's race Let's Race to the truck and so you know I'm I'm always looking for an opportunity to run or something um play a game and so we race to the truck and I'm sure she beat me and then they're like here sit in the middle and so Don's here Jody's here I'm in the middle and they have a pack of marbles on the dashboard and um she's like you want a cigarette and so I had been a regular smoker of cigarettes and shot since I was eight but I had never smoked in front of adults and of course I drank and smoked weed when I could as well but I'm I'm like you sure it's okay for me to smoke with you guys yeah it's fine no problem so I was like puffing away on the way to Glen Eden and um so then we get there and you have to get naked again so of course it's a race who can get naked the quickest you know same scenario awkward place uncomfortable and then they take me to their apartment and they're like Lisa by the way the rules are the same in our apartment as at Glen Eden it's a no closed zone so it's a game as soon as the door is closed who can get their clothes off the fastest right okay so now we're all naked in the apartment but you know they had Atari they had cigarettes I didn't have to go figuring out a way to get them and they had alcohol sometimes marijuana um but I guess it was okay I was feeling like you know maybe it's okay and uh I don't know the next day or the next week Jody uh was at work and I had to be alone with Don I want to be alone with Don I wanted to be with Jody she was cool she was a basketball player and um but we went shopping and then we went to go pick Jody up and as we're waiting he says to me Lisa your sister said that you want to have sex with me and I'm freaked out I'm petrified um thinking oh and oh my gosh you're like I'm in trouble like I did something wrong I gave the wrong impression I'm 11. he's like 39 maybe 40 and I said no no yeah I'm sorry I don't know why she said that and um so he's like it's it's okay it's all right that you want to have sex with me but I don't want to have sex with you and so then you know my mind starts racing and I think and my 11 year old brain that Jody's gonna be mad um and I don't want her to be upset so I asked him please please don't tell Jody and um so uh he just kind of smirks at me but agrees he agrees and I um feel some relief but as soon as she gets in the car he said hey guess what Lisa wants to have sex with me and she's immediately says great yeah no problem and I don't want that I'm what can I say I I don't know but we drive on and we get back to their apartment and you know all pedophiles are philosophers you know don't be frigid and like you know they're going to do me favors and my mom's crazy Lisa you know your mom's crazy right and and Jody told me you know if your dad if you had a good relationship with your dad you'd want to have sex with him and I asked Don like do you do you want me to call you Dad uh but he just smirked and so they started engaging me in sexual activities but I was definitely reluctant and um so Jody's like come on takes me by the hand like you all you have to do is watch this time and so I'm just laying in bed and while they're having sex watching and then it proceeds to dawn like comes and holds me and then it proceeds to engaging me in sexual activities touch oral sex but Don wanted me to voluntarily say please please be my first but I was not that was not my interest I was not interested in that so part of the way that he tried to get me to be comfortable with that idea was he had me watch Pretty Baby the movie where Brooke Shields was a child and she was molested in the film um it's child pornography she's naked in it she's auctioned off her virginity at 12 years old it's a [ __ ] house everyone's happy of course everything's great and in the movie the whole time she's totally fine she's great she's happy it doesn't affect her um and that's definitely what I I got the message it's not supposed to affect me it's not a big deal it's only a big deal if you make it a big deal right so I don't I I don't know Don's brain I don't know but it became a regular uh occurrence him sitting down with me watching Pretty Baby and um during this time you know he's touching me sometimes Jody's there he's touching Jody and you know sexually and always like indoctrination and you know part of his thing was you know Lisa it would actually be you know difficult for me I would be doing you a favor and you know once it happens like it's no big deal and he even introduced me to a girl he said that he did the same thing foreign she's fine um so whatever um they took me on a um three-state camping trip just the two of them and I and one day let me ask how did your mom consent to all of this I don't know she just told me to go with them she didn't ask me what happened she knew we were going to nudist camps and that I would go to their house just about every weekend for a couple years and then on this camping trip so I'm assuming my father consented as well at least by omniscient right he wasn't checking up so I don't know anything more than that crazy but um so we go on this camping trip and you know back then this is before the internet and before um cell phones and all that but he had his projector and he had pretty baby and we're watching it at a campground and whatever so one day we were at Flagstaff Arizona and it's the daytime and I wake up and I'm drunk or something and so I I don't understand I'm not orientated and so I kind of get out of the camper and I stumble around I'm looking for Don and Jody and I found find them and they um like Lisa what are you doing you know get back in there you're going to get us in trouble okay um but you know thinking back now I do wonder what was in the alcohol sometimes um but you know consciously you know he wanted me to to make choices so like I'm full on board right but um sometimes it wasn't just me there there was sometimes other girls and one day Don says I'm going to take you to be a model and I was like no no it's okay you know I'm I think of myself I I was like I was thought I was fat and ugly I'm an ogre you know I look back now pictures of me and I'm just a skinny kid not sexy I was just a awkward the 12 13 year old you know but um he's like no no I'm gonna take you girls and we'll get your picture taken so we go and I'm in the back of his truck with a shell on it and just kind of waiting at the time you know like I never knew where I was going uh I knew I was in Santa Ana with them I knew I was in Riverside back home that's about it I could get around town and Riverside walking but uh I'm in the back of the truck and I I hear a voice and the voice has um memorized how to get there I'm just like whatever shake it off and I'm just in the back of the pickup truck and I hear it again it's kind it's firm and it says memorize how to get there so I do I open up the window at the side of the shell and I'm looking and I'm like 7th Street 7th Street 14th Street 14th Street you know I'm memorizing how to get there and then we pull up and like I can still see it in my in my head like a two-story office building stairs outside that ugly tan bricks and the studios on the Second Story and so um I don't know if it was 319 but anyway so we kind of rushed up us girls you know kind of racing each other right everything's a game and we walk in the studio and I see this guy sitting there and kind of a very long almost like a table desk but a very long desk and in the middle of it is a Rubik's Cube and so I'm like a Rubik's Cube can I play with it and we met our eyes met and it was just his look was so cold and mean and I don't know intense that it just kind of shocked me I looked away and I just sat down and I didn't say anything else just one by one we all got our head shots clothes clothes on that's it and um then we're out of there yeah goodbye and the next day it's just me and Don and Jody at their apartment and I hear Dawn on the phone with this photographer somehow I know it's a photographer and he says yeah yeah Lisa will do nude pictures and I was like I don't know I'm always trying to say no right like no I won't and he turns and he looks at me with that similar look like shut up shut up and points to the couch for me to sit down and um you know again like like Looking Back Now there was always a camera out Don always had a camera and apparently you know there was probably a lot of pictures of me naked and they sometimes dressed me up even pose me but I don't know it was a game where I didn't really think of it like voluntarily or something this just seemed like no I'm not going to volunteer for that you could at least ask um but took me home and I I go to school for the week now my grades have at this point completely tanked I'm failing completely out of Junior High School I um I did good in elementary school uh the only class I'm passing is PE because I love sports and so um also you know kind of like I became like the Target in the neighborhood I don't know that carried on you know I would go to parties with friends older High School boys and you know a victim just gets taken advantage a lot and then I I became the Target or the the [ __ ] the school sled literally people called me sled so I'm the [ __ ] and whatever but but anyway I I didn't go very much and so one day I was there and I'm at PE and I get called to the office now I go into the office and Miss Brewer usually was glaring at me he didn't like me because of my shoddy attendance but this time she kind of has like a sad look kind of compassionate she's like Lisa these are um detectives are here to talk to you and again I just I don't know what the think or say but um we go into a room she's my support person you know even though she hated my guts and they just start asking me questions do you know Don Gordon Jody Jones yes and I don't remember all the questions but were you naked with them did you have oral sex did you have sexual intercourse with his finger and you all those questions and um I I'm not sure you know I if I should be answering them or not but confused anyway at the end detective Mendoza said um you're going to go in a shelter home because your home environment I don't know I have to investigate it or something like that which surprised me because I don't know you're just you're in denial about your life nothing abnormal you know and so um I'm still in my PE clothes and he's like well you know we're gonna need to talk to your mom and it turns out that day my mom is actually picking me up usually I ride my bike to school and um but she I said well my mom's picking me up and the school was just letting out you could hear the Bell it rang and he's like really okay so he sent the other detective to go get her and then she meets with me in the office and she's like Lisa and reaches out to me and Embraces me and says why didn't you tell me why didn't you tell me and I just felt like so much shame and humiliation and tell her what I still I don't know I didn't know but I know looking back like why was that so weird you know but my mom never hugs me so that was one reason why that was so weird but detective Mendoza took me to shelter home and um was very kind to me he um made sure that I was able to continue to play sports I was an All-Star catcher for this girls softball team and I I don't I didn't know why at the time but I had to have a sheriff's escort which was very awkward and uncomfortable and like I'm in a shelter home now so I'm always like the weird girl you know and um but I was able to play sports which I was really grateful for and he took me out to dinner with his family a couple times and tried to kind of you know like Lisa it'll be all right you know you can still have a good life that sort of thing one day a social worker showed up and took me to Orange County for those detectives to interview me and I get there and one detective takes me in the room and he says uh so there's this photographer I guess he knew I don't know how he knew would I whatever but um he knew about this photographer and he said you know Don and Jody said they don't know how to get there they don't know where he's at and I was like wait a minute you know before I had a chance to say I memorized how to get there he said and this photographer Lisa is wanted for killing children Annie starts to tell me details like a boy was tied up in a chair and um a a girl was found in a couple dumpsters and I'm not even it's just how do you take in that information and um so when he finished explaining a little bit I said well I memorized how to get there you said you did I said yeah he's like let's go right now and so we went and I'm like 7th Street 14th Street I took him right to the same Studio and walked him right up to it and there's these two big detectives and me I'm 13 at this time and they knock on the door and I'm thinking okay is this guy gonna end up killing me because I don't know he's gonna see that it's me showing um but there was no answer they didn't bust down the door um we just left but I always wondered like was he looking through a people or something I don't know and then um they took me back to Riverside and that was it you know I think it's a example of how I always want to be helpful with the system with you know fighting good against evil doing the right thing but victims aren't considered so it would have been nice for somebody to check on me and let me know if the photographer got busted or if he's on the run or what but nobody ever told me so a few months later I kind of took this as a sign from the universe they used to have editorials back then and it was Hal fisherman I'm pretty sure he was talking about some victim and their courage and showing something the detectives and some child pornography Marine got busted and thanks to the victim and I was like wow I wonder you know was that because of me I have no idea but um you know I never heard anything otherwise um but near the end of the summer detective Mendoza tells me Lisa I I have to take you back home I don't want to I feel that your mom is the worst kind of abuser but um I don't have a choice like they're not going to let me keep you in the system so he I gather my stuff and he drives me home and he's tries to give me a pep talk I know he didn't want to do it but he had to do it and there I go right back into the home and you know no therapy no follow-up nothing so my family being the family that they are I was looked down on not for being a victim of sexual abuse but for like especially according to my dad you know especially if you're a man if you want to have sex with a man a woman a child that's fine like that's like the religion that he lived and that I might be responsible for somebody getting busted for that definitely made him look down on me more so and my mom just called me a [ __ ] and my siblings I don't know they're out of their minds you know doing their own things but I somehow gathered up like the determination like I'm gonna do good in ninth grade I'm I'm like I'm not getting involved with anybody again and I'm I'm gonna do good in ninth grade and I looked up to my sister and I she played volleyball and she was in drama and choir and I um so that's what I was going to do that was my plan and I actually got on on the honor roll in ninth grade and I tried out for volleyball having never played before and fell in love and I got on the uh I lettered as a freshman and I was in heaven sort of I mean home life still sucked right I'm still getting high every day drinking when I can whatever I'm a total smoker and this guy you know we live like these people live right behind us longtime friends and their older son moved back home he was cute way older than me I'm not interested but I did have a crush but I'm never gonna do anything about that but anyway he comes around a lot and you know you get the just long story short he and my sister like hey let's go for a ride and that's when I got introduced to methamphetamines so uh mess wow uh he's like Lisa here's some math you know and uh if you're having a hard time sleeping duh uh you can come over my house in the middle of the night and we'll play games okay so um one night I'm like okay I'm just gonna go over there and play games because I'm just like tweaking out of my brain and bored so we did we actually started playing a game and then before I know it he started kissing me and I did I did feel flattered at first I was like oh my God you know I'm 14 and like he seems so cool but then it like progressed really really fast and became very instructional from him to me and then when we were done he's like I'll see you tomorrow and I just crawl back out of his window and I go home and I thought am I naive forever naive brain oh my gosh we're boyfriend and girlfriend but I'm terrified that people are gonna find out because I'm the [ __ ] and there's more confirmation that that's the case so um I told him I said Glenn um nobody can find out about this so he's like oh no problem nobody will find out so that that worked out for him and he's like you know what come back over tonight and bring your volleyball uniform so um okay and I I brought my volleyball uniform and he's like go ahead and put it on but I'm like super awkward to change into it which he thinks is kind of funny you know and I do and he's took some pictures of me in my volleyball uniform and then he had other outfits to wear and then it became just naked pictures and you know over time like it progressed to uh pictures you know involving sex acts and you know I started to really get the impression that you know he's not my boyfriend and because he's a philosopher too you know and he would say things like Lisa you know when you get married when you're older you know I'll take you to the wedding chapel and and that actually hurt my heart because I'm like I want to marry you um and and then when you get divorced I'll take you to the divorce attorneys and so it didn't I I didn't want to participate with him anymore but he couldn't let it go but I told him um you got to get rid of those pictures you know if somebody's going to find them and then I'm going to be confirmed again a [ __ ] I guess and he but I stopped I stopped meeting up with him and he said well Lisa if you want to get rid of some old pictures then you can do some new pictures we'll get rid of 10 pictures you do five new pictures and I just I I didn't want to do that so I just did my best to avoid him but he's in the neighborhood and he's coming around my house and my mom had a boyfriend that was coming around the house and he's trying to get me to go to Vegas to be a prostitute and just like so I I avoided home as much as possible and yes of course you know I'm just like this clueless young girl victim getting assaulted at parties and not not a good situation but just like a hot mess of course High School um one quarter on the honor roll and then you know turns out that perpetrators don't really care about your grades or your sports and so I um went to continuation school couldn't hack that and I'm on independent study but by this time I had a friend I would hang out at his house Andy we were buds and there was a guy up there that he was just 10 years older than me and I was 14 but he told Andy's mom that he wanted you know more of a relationship with me and with her encouragement I guess eventually you know I told her I'm not interested and I told him I'm I'm just like trying to hang out you know we'd go to the beach he'd surf I'd sunbathe and but anyway by the time I was 15 were boyfriend and girlfriend but hey at least he called me his girlfriend but it was the same situation you know as Glenn and um just just not my life was a mess and I'm I I had like I didn't I want it to be sober but I had no idea how I could ever be sober and so I'm just cycling through like weed every day alcohol when I can of course I'm a total smoker or meth if I can get it or is your mom using drugs not that I know of pills pills and she still looked like um you know she had like that up down the hair and her perfect makeup and dressed in business and whatever our house was always perfectly clean and she always made sure sometimes we have to get up in the middle of the night and clean it and so my house that's how it looked it was always in order but um no I'm just out about doing drugs and but this guy Bob my boy my boyfriend um his family was really nice and they were Christian and they knew what we were doing but they were still really nice you know and um they're like hey you can play sports at the church so I'm like okay any opportunity to play sports uh because I really missed out and then they started just talking to me about prayer and I always always believing in God and um but I hadn't heard of the Bible I mean I'd heard of the Bible but I didn't know anything about or ten commandments and stuff so anyway I started praying more specifically and I gained strength like I started going to church and I I was able to just quit using substances I had like a new new people to hang out with and I found like this Inner Strength somehow to break up with Bob and I was like wow um but one day I was praying actually I guess before I was able to quit everything anyway I had a spiritual experience and I knew in this prayer I had this distinct feeling that that God said Lisa you can stay on the path you're on and my love for you is no less but you're not going to get sober it's going to get worse you're gonna die early be a prostitute or some variation thereof overdose something or you can go on this path and this path is a clean and sober path where I I don't have to be dealing with all of these perverts anymore so for me it's a no-brainer and I went on this path and so then um so basically I just started hanging out with church people young people in my age and I was working I was able to get a diploma but they basically gave it to me because I I didn't really earn it I sort of but not really and um I started going to martial arts martial arts really filled that you know movement need I had and then um then I meet my husband and he's a good Christian guy and he we started dating in a very different way than what I was used to and I'm completely sober now and I'm like you know he's showing more interest and in our little world there you know it's marriage it's the next step and I told him well like I have this past and he's like it's okay it doesn't matter and so we ended up getting married and I'm still I'm still clean and sober but after I had my first son um bam man the Depression hit and I I wasn't well I was so well I didn't really know where to go for help but I'm like well I guess I better go to therapy and um that was my beginning of trying to get help and it was sketchy you know back then there wasn't now everyone's trauma informed everybody understands trauma and complex post-traumatic stress disorder and all that but back then like nobody nobody knew that and but there were some like I I did go to like a sexual abuse Recovery Group and I was like you know I think I want to be a therapist and I remember one of the girls saying you know Lisa everybody wants to be a therapist in recovery I'm like okay but I think I really do and so um I decided to become a therapist and I started with one class at a time but that was actually I I had honestly I was so anxious I had so much anxiety um that I I couldn't complete the first two classes I had to drop them but the third class stuck you know and eventually I just kept going but uh before I even took my first class um I think I had my second son and I get a call from the Orange County District Attorney's office and they asked me if I will testify on behalf of Don's newest victim I mean out of the blue and I'm just trying to live my life trying to manage my family and I'm my husband's family we both come from traumatic histories and you know it's a huge re-trigger but they don't ask hey do you need anything are you okay it's just like business you're done oh we don't need you to testify it's over but it's a complete re-trigger so about that time too I had decided oh my God you know like what the hell you know my childhood what you know so I I I'm starting to get in touch with my anger because I can't let that anger go inwards and be depression so I have to put the anger where it belongs because it doesn't belong on my children and it doesn't belong on my husband and it doesn't belong on me so I decided I was going to confront my abusers but I I couldn't find most of them I looked in the phone book you know this is before the internet but you know I'm like I think I'm going to confront my father and so he comes over one day and I tell them what happened John Larry Don and Jody and all I mean I know now thinking back like he should no anyway um and he's like wow Lisa you had quite an extensive sex life and I was offended and hurt and then before I had a chance to say anything he said and children under the age of three don't remember anything and I I didn't say anything about that I was only talking about John you know and actually with my dad I remember a couple times like growing up thinking because my brother and sister went and lived with him a couple times but I remember thinking like I I would rather be on the streets of LA than live with my dad but I don't want to go on the streets of LA or Vegas or anywhere um by the grace of God I'm not um but my father he um yeah he liked young boys and he he was a high school teacher and so one day after this experience I was another high school teacher at the school he taught at got busted for molesting a boy and um I guess I was still naive and I was like Dad oh my gosh Mr Gerdes got busted for molesting a boy and he's like Lisa every boy is going to be masturbated at some point and I was like okay okay you know I never left any of my sons alone with him ever not once and I eventually had to cut off that relationship but my dad you know my dad was not proud of me becoming Christian it wasn't my plan I I didn't do it for anything other than that just saved me um and but he knew he knew who I was I was never rude to him like that I mean okay I confronted him but you know he deserved it and uh anyway as an adult he would say the most awful vulgar things to me that I won't repeat because I would feel guilty for putting it in your head but one one time he said to me Lisa I was in West Hollywood and I was going by a pornography uh theater and I saw your name Lisa bear it's my maiden name and like did you do the film like I didn't get a chance to go in and see it you know because I was out of time but I totally would have so I don't know I guess he just liked the shock value or something we decided at some point that you know I needed to get out of Riverside and farther away from my family so we moved up to the high desert to Adelanto the armpit of the high desert and um it was a it was a big change and it was good and then um you know we looked around we were able to buy our our house in Apple Valley and it was little that it had a beautiful view and so I'm still going to school and yeah anyway the day after we moved into the house in Apple Valley I'm at the grocery store and I have my youngest son who's a toddler at the time in the car seat and I see Jody and I'm like what yeah anyway so I freaking out and I'm like oh my God please don't let her be my neighbor you know that's just I just don't want him to be my neighbor so um I followed her I waited for her to come back out I have my poor son in the car and I'm trying to follow her but she loses me I don't know I don't think she knew I was following her right and I don't know where she went so I knew at the time Megan's Law you had to go into the sheriff's office to get information and they didn't publish their addresses but I go in and I um tell them the situation I just want to make sure she's not my neighbor and um they're like we don't we don't see her we don't see her on Megan's Law I'm like but I I know I know the judge said that she had to register as a sex offender and um I said well so she molested me with this guy Don Gordon and you know they look him up and they're like okay what have a seat where did you just move from and they um said that he had been paroled to Adelanto where I was just living which is a little town and um I remembered like a few months earlier on the radio like KFI or something or hearing about like a dawn Gordon and some other sex offender going you know being released into a Santa Ana neighborhood and the the neighbors were like no we don't want him here you know kicking him out and so I called the radio station to try to find out but they didn't return my call so I put it out of my head and um just moved out of Adelanto my son one of my sons was still in soccer there winning soccer team and yeah so they're like okay we'll have his parole officer contact you the parole officer contacts me and um comes over to my house and he's like why didn't you tell us where you live Mike I did not know I was supposed to tell you where I live nobody ever told me anything but basically as a victim of his or of a sex offender they cannot be paroled within 25 miles of you um but I didn't know that and so it became it became this uh really negative interaction with the parole officer because I told him I said you know okay I guess I realize this is a less than one percent chance but just in case just in case Don can you search him because you can do he can do that at any time he told me just make sure that he doesn't have a picture of me or a picture of my sons please because I'm trying not to think but you know I'm sure he just thought I was crazy but he said yeah yeah I'll do that you know a few weeks pass and I don't hear any information so I called him up and I said so did you search him you know and he didn't even lie and he said no no I didn't search him I'm like why you know like you miss that opportunity like if there was something there you could have found it now you know he knows that somebody saw him and or some I don't know and um he's just kind of like has no communication skills and is treating me um offensively at this point and so I asked to talk to his supervisor and I call his supervisor and I'm crying and I'm like kind of hysterical and I'm I'm sorry you know I don't mean to be crazy but I just want he said he was going to do it and he didn't do it and the parole officer supervisor says um you know what you really should get some therapy and um I'm like really wow wow never occurred to me thank you um so I just have to regulate you know he wasn't in my presence but you know I'm not gonna lie I definitely had some violent thoughts towards him and I was like this just was like this whole mess and I told him to I said look Jody is supposed to be registered and you know California had three strikes and this would have been her third strike but anyway they gave her a pass I guess because she was a female but she then she had to register and the thing is about Megan's laws I could um see where she lived you know after they upgraded it and where Glenn lived and it gave me a sense of power somewhat you know and Don of course but um anyway uh some random police officer in San Bernardino called and left her address on my machine and so I then knew where she lived which of course was right by the college I was going to and also I started to run into her at Walmart at the doctors like all the time I and I'm always dodging and hiding out and grabbing my kids and I really don't even realize at the time how much this is triggering me except for I am trying to live my life and I'm not doing well so I kind of got to the conclusion where you know what she's going to reoffend um and I am obviously not a good mom not a good wife and so I should just go kill her and then I'll be in prison my husband and kids can move on and you know just crazy thinking and more than a few times I'm driving around her neighborhood and just thinking about it and calling my husband Robert you know I just feel like this is what I need to do and he's talking me down and so did Orange County District Attorney's Office care follow up with therapy try to talk to me help me out in any helpful way no the positive that came from it is Don was put under civil commitment which is a whole law that if your parole officer thinks you're going to reoffend they can do that and then they're like forced into treatment something like that but they're housed not in prison but a prison you know hospital and so he's out of the picture and so this whole time though that I'm running into Jody it turns out that she actually did reoffend how did I find out I found out through Megan's Law because again why would I get updates and she I don't know if she got extradited out to Illinois or what but you can read that it was an offense in California and anyway whatever so yes I needed to put the anger where it belongs but also learning to let go you know I want to move on with my life and I do that trying to do the best we can raising our family going to school I I became a therapist and I feel like I was doing okay you know um and we decided that we needed to move out of state because our sons the environment became not the best for them and the economy took a dump and so we went to a state where my husband had gone to school for most of his life grew up most of his life there and um so I couldn't go into private practice right away I had to work at agencies and so until that worked its way out and I was literally a crisis therapist for children who had just been placed in CPS care and at this point I had oh I I used to get like nervous and stressed when I saw an Orange County number but I was over that at this point and I'm in my car ready to go get gas and I now I have cell phones on the internet and I see orange counties calling like you know sometimes it's just you know solicitation and I go in and I pay for the gas and I come back out and it's there's a voicemail so I listen and it's Orange County District Attorney's sex crimes unit contacting me to see if I will testify for Don Gordon's civil commitment trial and so I immediately I'm like yes hell yes yes I will do that and you know I I call back the investigator and I'm all amped up and he's like wow you're a therapist you know we could really use you know someone like you to testify and I'm like okay and we make a plan to talk soon and and then I go through my day and then by the end of the day I'm like don't lay down don't lay down don't lay down but I I did and that was it I know now even then even though I was a therapist it still wasn't quite clear in my head like I triggered back into PTSD big time and I started to not do very well I you feel it physically you know it's like walking through five feet of mud you know I felt like my life is ruined well and I couldn't work soon like I tried to and I and I even I told my boss to [ __ ] off very professional because I I just started decompensating and I couldn't keep up with the caseload and I was like whatever my life is ruined and um yeah I thought about taking my own life and I thought about I don't know I was not in a good place one of the big reasons is I didn't feel like I was being treated respectfully by the investigator and the the lawyer the attorney and you know he had asked me to get pictures of myself as a child and email them and I didn't hear and so I was just like emailed them back I said you know I'm not doing really well can you just let me know you got these I'm trying to be really nice I'm trying to regulate I'm trying I'm but I'm not doing well I'm not doing well and um I still don't get a response I just I said look I'm a therapist I'm trying to just manage this anyway um it became a hostile situation for me I felt but by the time it came to testify they they flew my husband and I out and I wasn't happy but I was you know somebody said to me well you don't have to Lisa but I I had to you know I I didn't know how to say no and so we get to Orange County and the investigator picks us up and bottom line it ended up where it seemed like he was cool you know like the victim Advocate made no attempt to have a relationship look out for me but I felt like you know the investigator was like we're on a team and so the next day it was time for me to testify and I I never wanted Don to ever see me again but that that was going to happen so I get into the courtroom and I get up and I'm sitting down in the witness stand and there's Dawn and I just stare right at him and he's actually like like looking like good to see you or something ridiculous I'm like in my 40s now the last time I saw him I was 13. and um anyway I was I stared him down he looked away and his attorney's like don't don't look at her but I was able to get a lot out and testify and you know in in between they had we had to break for lunch in between my testimony and the investigator took us out and he was really nice and he said Lisa you know you're doing really well and you should write a book and I said why why do you say that he's like I don't know I don't know but you should write a book I said well if I write a book will you read it and he says if you signed it and I said okay so um so we're kind of buds now and after the testimony and all that happens he's driving us back to the airport and I said hey can you do me a favor please just when the jury goes into deliberations can you please let me know when they're going into deliberation so that I can be at home and not out working or something and then I can um you know be in a safe place because I know it's gonna I'm just all over a place emotionally and he says don't worry Lisa I will um I will contact you and let you know so you can go home and you know be prepared even if it's a good verdict I want it to be home so a couple weeks later I get a call from Orange County and so I'm out working I'm like 45 minutes from my home because I'm traveling all over finding these kids and it's the victim Advocate and she's like Lisa it's good news and so now I know wow the verdict came in I didn't know they were in deliberation and she's telling me and it's it was good news he was found true to be a sexually violent Predator but um but I don't know I just felt awful that the investigator didn't tell me and I was just like crying going home whatever so my boss the one that I had told to [ __ ] off like she's really cool you know she's like I'm working for her again and I tell her what's happening and she said Lisa just just tell just tell the investigator how you feel you know like maybe you can end on a good note and so I'm texting him like I'm sorry to bother you and I I know you're really busy and I know your job is really hard and um I but I'm just really kind of bummed out that you didn't tell me whatever something like that and I want to end it on a good note can we end it on a good note and he texts me back do not contact me again so there I go spiraling down again anyway so I I was not well again but I have to work I have to go on with my life I'm going to put the feelings where they belong so I decided that I'm going to contact Orange County every single day until I get the opportunity to talk to the district attorney himself Tony rikakis um I contacted Governor Brown Kamala Harris the Attorney General at the time um Oprah Dr Phil LA Times Orange County Register crickets but somebody at the Orange County Register did forward my information I guess to who is now the new district attorney Todd Spitzer but his office like he didn't talk to me but his office says well we'll try to do something anyway um I had to end up letting it go in my time one one guy at one district attorney did kind of take me under his wing and and kept me contact updated and stuff you know throughout the years because it's been seven years now until he left and that was really appreciated but so you know I I moved on with my life and just get got the updates sometimes and you know trying to be the best therapist I can actually decided to write the book and you know just a couple of months ago I'm in the grocery store and I see People magazine and there's Brook Shields and I'm like please please don't say something positive about pretty baby because throughout the years I've seen her here and there on shows and she's never denounced it and of course in the article she says it's one of the best films she ever made so I get triggered again into PTSD kind of that crazy mind you know I mean I don't mean to put people down that struggle with that but I have to put the feelings where they belong you know now I'm like it's like again I'm walking through five feet of mud now I'm sad now I'm irritable you feel it you know and now I want to use and so I decided okay I started a petition at change.org band pretty baby and anyway so that's that's all all I can do you know whatever however far my voice can reach I have to do my best for my own Survival in any way I can you know be helpful with others and so what's going on now with your siblings your brother and sister well um I I don't know where my sister's at I think she lives in a state in the midwest between her two daughters somewhere last I heard she was still you know a tweaker but um we can't have a relationship and my brother I think he's able to work he's a really good machinist mechanic type but he's a had a sketchy life too many history like your parents history I think the sex pedophilia my brother is a registered sex offender in another state oh he is yeah also I know he's not well a few times when I've met with him he says he's on meds now but my I know my siblings were victimized as well you feel like both your parents were were pedophiles yes I mean I think my dad was actively you know seeking boys to a certain extent I mean he later he came out to us as gay which was fine um but he uh I know he had a boyfriend my husband and I went to his boyfriend died his boyfriend was really nice and I'm like why is it with my dad but um he died unfortunately and he lived in LA and my husband and I went to clean out his apartment for my dad because my dad was pretty upset and there was all these daddy magazines you know like NAMBLA information North American man boy love Association and I'm just like okay and I and I know somebody that um said that my dad molested them I'll just kind of say did your brother have any problems with your dad yeah yeah and um I I when I found that out I well anyway I tried to be a good sister but it's not easy I guess you know for that my sibling it's not easy for me you know but I have been in therapy and and after you know my last contact with Orange County I ended up going into EMDR therapy and I'm an EMDR therapist um appreciate you listening what a childhood you had yeah but by the grace of God there go I for real Lisa thank you so much for sharing your story thanks for listening I'm glad you're doing better now me too life can be good excellent thank you very much

Channel: Soft White Underbelly

Views: 766,293

Keywords: soft white underbelly, swu

Id: 8j1KcTD6JYA

Length: 72min 12sec (4332 seconds)

Published: Thu May 25 2023