Crystal Meth Addict interview-Leo

all right leo yes yeah where'd you grow up where are you from originally originally i was born and raised in corpus christi texas and uh lived there to when i was 23 years old and then uh i was in prison for four years and then i got out and then my mom passed away so i moved to california what was your family like as a kid as a kid my dad was a great man as far as i know he he was around till when i was eight years old and he passed away from colon cancer and as a young kid i was went through some hard times my mom became an alcoholic and i also went through some hard times where we were living in the house but and no food no furniture no nothing supporting my sister me myself my mom an alcoholic leaving us there by ourselves in the house my mom would come home sometimes at night with different men who would uh molest my sister and i also was molested when i was little and i started drinking from there at the age of eight started smoking weed at the age of eight tried my cocaine when i was 13 years old lived a hard life working at the age of eight years old on the field after that my mom cleaned up but i still had my issues where she got remarried and she had my stepdad who was i ended up finding out that he was an alcoholic and uh went through some rough times with him and uh where he would just take an advantage and abuse us as a little kid and i would take it out and drinking since i was already drinking you know uh and protect my little sister you know and go to school my mom never believed me when i would tell her so i did stuff on my own and i took care of my sister finally they got separated and it was just me my mom and my sister my mom is diabetic she got one of her toes amputated got her leg amputated and i lived with my mom until she passed away and uh november 11th 2000 2014 and uh moved out here to california but i was doing cocaine when i was still living in texas doing cocaine moved out here found doing crank out here i've been doing drugs acid pills everything and i basically tried everything so but my worst times were when i was the crackhead a real bad crackhead i did a lot of crack i used to buy cookies what they call cookies i used to owe my check to every friday get my check go give it to the dope man give me a cookie be a crackhead smoking crack all day long all night long till when i have to go to work be at work little breaks here and there did that for four years smoke crack finally one day i just got tired of it quit doing crack started doing cocaine went from cocaine to crank cocaine i was doing it in texas moved to california started doing crank crystal night yeah well it was called crank it's like crystal meth and which they had colors in it which they were pink or peanut butter you know and uh and to me was it was good you know that because i like to be up i like to i was i would work but i had my drug addiction but to support it i would work i worked oh man 70 something hours they would have to tell me that's quit working because i was working so much but i never let the drug take too much which at the beginning i did i was so bad that i was stealing you know like which i still do you know i still do it now because i have to support my habit but and crank moved out crystal meth came in and i now i'm doing crystal meth i used to snort it at the beginning and uh okay let me get to this let me i moved to when i was in school okay i used to be a football player i used to play baseball football i was an athletic guy i was going to get a scholarship to texas tech i was getting scouted i went i was in high school i used to have scouts come and look at me i was a fullback tell back wherever you put me i would play that was me scholarship comes around what do i do don't go to it stay with my drug i leave it like that screwed it all up started doing other drugs that's when i just started doing cocaine started doing crack all this other stuff you know what i could never get rid of it i would leave one drug to go to another drug substitute it with another one and it was like what the heck you know and like drinking came along i was always drinking i was always doing something but i left drinking when my son came around my son's 13 years old now it's been 13 years that i haven't drank but i quit drinking but i still stay with my meth she snorted at the beginning never smoked it until one day my heist i asked my wife i said hey man i need some [ __ ] man i don't have anything she was the only thing i have is in a pipe i said she goes but you don't do that i said well show me how to do it and i'll do it so she says this is the way you do it you just gotta melt it down in here but don't heat it up too much and you gotta twist it and i said is that it and she goes yeah i said okay did it the first time she goes but don't hold it in too long okay boom i felt this little rush and from there that pookie was my best friend i never left it alone that i wouldn't not let nobody touch it i'd clean it up had it with me all the time never left it behind to this day i still do it but i function i can talk to people i like talking to people i like being around people i like meeting people i like doing things i'm a i'm i'm a jack of all trades i do i know how to work do electrical work i do welding i do mechanic work i do all kinds of stuff i surprise a lot of people because they see me and they think i i don't know [ __ ] i'm not book smart but i'm street smart i'll tell you that much i know that i'm not book smart but i'm street smart and the thing is is this that the way it is in society is if you're not supporting your own habit nobody else is going to do it so i support my own habit i go to stores i go take whatever i need to take to make my money to go buy my stuff so i can have and this is an everyday thing this is an everyday thing this is what i do every day i make money i hustle go buy my drugs do my drugs but i never asked nobody else for help because i don't want to owe nobody this is my this is my problem this is my issue this is the way my life is when i want to straighten it out i think it's i'll i'll tell somebody i'll go look for help but right now i don't think i want it i don't think i just want to be where i want to be yet i know where i want to be in five years from now i know where my goals are but i still not ready for it so this is what i'm doing now and i live out and and like i run into so many people and like these people out here they want to take my [ __ ] you know they want to jack me for my [ __ ] you have to be on your p's and q's all the time and the p's and q's are like the most important thing in your life you know like being on the streets if you're not on them they're going to rob you they're going to take your [ __ ] every [ __ ] time and it's not the coolest thing because you work your ass off to go [ __ ] take that [ __ ] and that's so somebody else can take it from you no it's not going to work that way i don't have friends out here i don't like talking to people i don't like because your own friends you don't have friends out here in the streets these ain't friends because they steal from you they'll they'll lie to you laugh in your face act like they're your friends as soon as you get off your p's and q's they take your [ __ ] and you're they're gone but they'll come back when they're done with your stuff getting rid of your stuff don't come back and be your friend again saying that they never took it but knowing them well that they did there's people out here that you got to know and those are the people that if you're not keeping the tent if you don't pay attention to them they're gonna [ __ ] stab you in the back all these dope things that are out here even me but that's one thing my code is i will not rat anybody out i don't do that [ __ ] there's people out here that rat people out so much that it's so it's like horrible man because they don't want to go get be inside jail [ __ ] dope sick and all that me i won't i'll go do my time come back out do my do my thing but you know what i'll tell you one thing that uh that i see a lot is uh people talk about everybody talks even me that i want to be clean they want to be clean but we don't make an effort and it's because we're not ready and people want us to they want us to do something that we don't want to do when we're ready i think we'll go to somebody and look for help your body will tell you hey there's too much of this you know what you got to go get help and you'll go to somebody you'll find somebody and you will do this on your own you don't need nobody else to tell you you don't need somebody else to come and tell you hey you know what go go get cleaned up man no when you're ready you'll go do it yourself and to me it's like i'm not ready when i'm ready i'll i'll go to somebody i know where to go but i'm not ready i still like i got to spoke my stuff i still do you know like this morning i had to get my stuff i had to smoke my [ __ ] before i came out here people smoke weed to me that's weed me that's what keeps me moving if i don't smoke my stuff like right now i feel like smoking you know i do but i know i can't right now but i know once i leave from here i am because i feel like smoking already you know i need it and it's like i already have my [ __ ] already ready so when i leave from here i already have it ready i just go take my little tokes and i'm ready and i'm i'm again i'm a brand new man but i like being out here man i just there's certain parts of your life that you go through and and you just have to uh people don't understand it unless if you're an addict if you've been an addict or you've gone through some stuff man you know and my whole thing started off with when i was uh molested in i always blamed myself and then i would cover it up with the drugs until this day i still do you know and uh you think do you think if that hadn't happened you may not be here today i don't yeah if that hadn't happened yeah cause uh these guys would get me drunk they would get me drunk and make me get under my knees and do things to them that i didn't want to do it just [ __ ] me up mentally never told nobody never told my mom never told my dad my sisters my brothers nobody two years ago my wife found out that i was molested she never knew we've been together going to 16 years she never knew i never told her until like i said ben you know i gotta tell her but what's bothering me you know so i told her she goes how come you didn't tell me a long time ago because i didn't want to because i didn't think that's not me that's not a man but you know what i am a man because i can tell stories now i can face people i can tell people that i was molested i'm not embarrassed because it wasn't my fault it wasn't me i didn't make the choice you're how old i was seven years old six i started up at five years old until when i was seven years old and it wasn't my fault i was thinking it was my fault but it wasn't until when i realized it and they told me it wasn't your fault it wasn't you you weren't the adult you were a kid and i don't think if that would have happened i don't think i would have been doing this because this covers up everything i have a son that he's no longer with me he's social service he took him away but i was over protected when my son was around me i wouldn't let him get near my friends or like him lead up against my friends i would be like because that brought memories of what happened to me when i was little i said hey man hey please don't get close to my son or son don't get close to him you know like cause that to me right away that's what i would think i want that to happen to my son but when i do drugs i don't think about nothing i don't think about pain i don't think about what's hurting me inside but when it goes away when i'm not high no more it starts coming back that's why i do what i do again so i can forget about it but i just know it's just a cover-up that's just the cover-up it's not taking nothing away it's just the cover-up for that moment and that time and i'm gonna it's gonna keep on happening until when i it gets out of my head i don't think it will i don't know if i ever will be clean i plan to be clean one day but not in this situation it's i i'd rather i rather [Music] i want to get my son back but it's hard this life is so freaking hard you got so much things to think about like stuff that comes around and you'll be thinking you're doing good and suddenly just like [ __ ] what just happened you just went off the tracks you went somewhere else you were doing good not no more back all over again started everything again but the drugs always there drugs always there that's that's that's the best thing you can do like for me it's the best thing i can do so i could take my pain away so i can take everything so i can forget about everything you know and uh uh that's that's what uh i'm gonna have a normal life one day one day i just want to have a normal life i don't know what normal is i don't even i don't even think there's a somebody out there that has a normal knife because i think everybody has problems their own way their own issues i don't care if you have millions of dollars you're not happy still you're still you're probably going through the worst things that i have you know you probably these people at movie stars they can't even step outside of their house they can't even go to the grocery store without somebody taking a picture of them you know it's like to me it's uh it's not about money it's dealing with that uh with that issue where i was molested i think uh when i take care of that issue i think everything else would just go away i think so it's just uh i don't know what it's going to happen i don't know how to take care of it therapy perhaps i tried it and oh man i put her through some hell i blamed her like i i cussed her out so much it's like yeah i used to call her [ __ ] [ __ ] i used to tell her everything every time she would see me every wednesday she would see me she had tears in her eyes because she knew the way i was why because she was trying to get this information out of you the stuff noticed what it was it was that when i went to her she started off didn't ask me what was my life like you know it was like started off way up here on the top like what at the at the end of my life already like coming to this no i told her why did you start from the beginning how come you didn't ask me how was it from the beginning when you were little when you were born how were you raised how was your dad how was your mom or something no you didn't even ask me that you give me a book and then you want me to write however if i want to write a book i'll go write a book i need your help okay ask me what's going on with me from the beginning of my life how did you get to this point how are you going to know if you don't ask me i said you started off over here i said that's why i don't like you i said i don't i don't what are you here just for a paycheck or what finding the right therapist yeah and i was like i go you know what you give me a book i said i'm not going to write anything i said you know what writing to me is not nothing me expressing myself and my feelings to you and telling you the way i feel and what i'm going through it's better because you could see it but you can't see my emotions through the paper and the writing you don't know what i'm going through and like from there on i i didn't like her and one day i just seen her one wednesday i said hello how are you doing she looks at me and she her eyes got water i said look i want to apologize i want to start all over from the beginning i'm sorry the way i treated you i'm sorry the way i talk to you but this is that's what i felt at that moment but can we start all over she said yeah it was probably hard for you to get it off your chest yeah and when i started all over from the beginning she understood where i was coming from she goes okay we got to work on this she's the one that told me was it my fault what happened to me when i was little see that's what i needed how was she going to know if i was ever molested if she never asked me you know way over here but this happened when i was younger you know then she started helping me out started making me understand she goes speak about it you talk about it don't hold it in tell people let people know what what you're feeling you know it doesn't matter it's not your fault it doesn't degrade you from being a man if you were molested there's a lot of people that been through this so that's why i'm not scared to tell people i let people know like hey i could express it i said yeah i was blessed when i was little you know and people and then i've had people come up while i'm talking to them telling them that that they say oh i was too i said is this your first time like letting somebody know they said they'll say well no you're about the second person because i don't tell too many people i said it's good it's good to let people know man you're not the only one you it's not your fault like the way they told me so to me it's like once i deal with that issue i think uh everything else will start falling in place but right now i'm gonna i gotta like work on that issue that issue is dealing with with that militation that they did to me what they did to me and uh once i get that figured out i think everything else is gonna fall in place like the way it should be i gotta have a perfect life you know but i still gotta i'm not ashamed of myself to tell people who what i do or what my drug choice is or whatever i'm not i'm not ashamed i'm not scared to tell people this is who i am this is what i am and this is this is what you get of me hey i'm not going to change for nobody you know i'm 51 years old 51 years old and i'm not going to change for nobody uh i got to do it myself but if you don't like the way i am i don't need to talk to you you don't need to talk to me i'm not asking you to stay here but i don't have that many problems because i i talk to a lot of people i respect a lot of people i treat people like the way i want to be treated and i think that's where i get to know a lot of people i've talked to i talk to a lot of people and i like that makes me feel good you know even though that they don't know i'm high but yeah i love it even the cops i talk to cops all the time they won't even know i'm higher than high i'm talking about high i mean like like so high but they won't even know they'll be laughing with me cracking jokes and everything and like and i'm like god this guy doesn't can't even tell that i'm high and i'm talking to him because that's the way i am i like i don't show it but i do have an issue and not a shame to say it i'm no better than nobody else i'm just as equal as everybody else uh no better than that person that's off the go off the street i'm no better than him uh i'm as equal as him we just live different lifestyles that's it and that's the thing that's different but otherwise this is me and this is who i'm i am i'm just a normal person that has an issue you can't change it right now but it will happen but uh yeah that's me what are you afraid of the hardest part of your life what am i afraid of oh man i'm afraid of a lot of things afraid of uh oh my god i don't know what being normal is that's what i'm scared of because i think i get up and i i have to do something because i won't i say to myself i don't focus in society without getting high i can't i can't and to me it's like i'm scared to be like normal like everybody like if i see somebody that does not do drugs to be just like them i try to figure it out how does it feel to be like that you know like i've so many years man and haven't been clean you know it's like how i look at these people and i try to figure them out i'm like how are they not doing no drugs how they're not nothing and they're just like laughing and happy and having a joyful time but i don't get it i don't know i don't understand i'm scared of being normal just a an average ordinary person that's what i'm scared of what is it about crystal meth that seems like some people go off the rails very quickly and other people seem to be more like yourself where you're you're kind of fairly normal well the thing is is this uh have you ever gone like psychotic episode no to me is this uh these people that are doing these drugs doing this me personally myself when i do it i get up in the morning i eat breakfast then i smoke then i do my things and i'll be smoking throughout the day but i'll be eating and drinking something these people that are out here they don't eat they don't drink they gotta sleep and they don't sleep but i can sleep you sleep every night i sleep every night i see the people that i'm talking about will go weeks with us yes and i and those are the people that are noodle groovy and those are the people that are hallucinating okay i don't i did that at the beginning of what i used to start when i started man okay i used to hallucinate i used to see thing and then i started figuring this [ __ ] out i said well i started noticing when i'm eating and drinking fluids this [ __ ] never happens so i started doing that and now that i know i don't need big meals i eat portions throughout the day but always drinking something and i'm fine and i sleep at night get up in the morning eat breakfast you know i don't hit the pipe i don't hit the pookie real quick right in the morning that's not my thing i gotta eat something then i'll do my thing throughout the day then i go hustle bake my buddy so i could have some [ __ ] so i could have it for the morty and then i know i have something enough for me in the morning yeah go do my hustle again that's that's the way it is that's the way it is you know but don't get me wrong if they they need me to work somewhere do something i'll do it i'll work for something you know i don't want nothing to give it to me for free nothing in this world is free you'd have to pay for it somehow some way so i don't want nothing given to me for free i just want to work for it i want to say i work my ass for it you know what i don't need to share my [ __ ] with nobody it's mine this is what's what i work for it's where it is and uh there's uh people that that can't they let the drug control them and i i don't let that happen i don't let the drug control me i think the day it does i think that's the day i need to quit doing it but it has me a little bit okay don't get me wrong it has me because i still have to do it but i don't have me to wear i'm doing crazy ass [ __ ] we're hallucinating all this other stuff i know what i'm doing i know where i'm at i know you're living on the street yeah i i know what i need to do to get to certain things but i choose to live like this this is the way i choose to live is to my thing is like i don't have to live like this right i could be living in a place but this is the way i choose to live man you know because i don't need to pay rent i don't pay no bills no responsibilities no responsibility but real life is you got to pay you got to pay rent you got to pay bills that's real life real [ __ ] but i don't want real [ __ ] yet that's the [ __ ] crazy [ __ ] about this drug man this life that's what i'm not ready for i'm not ready for this [ __ ] i mean i think having those responsibilities is what gives your life meaning yep and you're living a life that's almost meaningless yeah yeah because i'm just like i'm supporting something that like it's nothing but i know what i'm doing wrong you live to get your fix and then you go to bed and you do it again tomorrow yep and that's that's what i'm doing wrong i'm doing all this [ __ ] this i'm doing it i i could say it one way it sounds good that i'll just [ __ ] go that other way i do it this was the wrong way all the time you know it's i have my wife my wife is like she does fit the law i don't i don't touch that [ __ ] i don't like it i me and her do different things and i know that if i me and my wife have to get help you know but i just can't leave her like that and leave her out like that dry you know my wife is my wife we have kids together i can't just leave her just and go get help for myself i know it's supposed to be me myself and i i got to work on myself first before i do anything else if i don't fix myself up i'm never gonna do nothing but uh i can't help somebody else i can't fix somebody else up but to me it's like if i can't fix myself up why am i worried about somebody else you know i can't do it for myself i can't do it for nobody else if you're working on somebody else and not yourself what the [ __ ] is the whole [ __ ] about them you know why he doing it then you know to me it's like work on yourself i think that's my issue my number one thing i think i have to do is have to work on myself it's me myself and i that's it and if i get those correct and i do it the right way i think i can beat this and live want to say not a normal life but a family life still with a little bit of issues but not a drug issue you know still have your little problems you know but uh i think i can do that but i don't know what is going to happen that's the thing that screws me up so bad i want to do so many things i can't overwhelm myself i got to do one thing at a time if i overwhelm myself never going to get nothing good never so i have to just i don't know whatever i'll see again maybe if i see you again maybe it'll be different maybe i'll be on a where i could say hey i haven't touched this in so many years you know but uh this is who i am this is what i do and uh not embarrassed i'm not ashamed but it's my life i have a lot of stuff on the plate you know i went through a lot of stuff but uh one thing out of time and it'll happen and it'll just come through i think i i'll be better i think i'll have my kids back i hope so yeah all right leo thank you so much for sharing i wish you the best of luck okay you

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Published: Wed Sep 07 2022