Merry Christmas, dude! Merry Christmas to you, too! You got me a gift? I got you one, too! Oh, thank you! Read the note. Oh, there is a note. Yeah. "To my favorite little drummer, you will always be my favorite, small, acne-covered bean." Smol. Smol acne-covered bean. You've got acne, lots and lots of it. Yeah, I do have that Wow! A drum! You're like a little baby! Yeah. You know, when I see you I just think of a little baby. Yeah. I, I got a gift for you too, Mark. You should open it. Man, thank you so much! Oh, that's so good! I'm sick of the jokes, Mark. In the videos, I laugh. I laugh out loud. But on the inside... On the inside I'm crying! It was just a goof! It was a gaff! It was a guffaw! The jokes hurt, Mark. They hurt real bad. And now you're gonna feel some pain, too. Merry Christmas, Mark! *chuckles maniacally* Change? Hey guys, welcome to the maybe new challenge. We're gonna be doing improv. This is where we play the game called "Change." We're gonna get a suggestion to do a normal improv scene and whoever's sitting here gets to say the word "change!" And when you hear the word "change," you have to change exactly what you just said. Change! You have to jump up and down and scream like a babboon. Your word of inspiration is "hope." [old man voice] I hope the fall harvest is better for us this year! We're gonna DIE! Change! OHHH I GOT HEMORRHOIDS Change. OHH NO! THE BADGERS! THEY'RE BACK! The badgers, they always take our crops! THEY TAKE OUR CROPS! AHH! Change! AHH THEY TOOK OUR WIVES. Change! OHHHH MY ASS! THEY TOOK IT ALL! IT'S ALL GONE! AHHH! Let me take a look! AHHH! Change. I don't wanna see that! Change. Wow! [laughing] That's really there! No, it's gone! OHH! Then what's that?! WHAAH! Change! You're right, I didn't see anything at all! WHOOAAA! What about the badgers?! They're still here! -They're eating-- -Change. OHH, THEY'RE.... shhhinvisible. SHINvisible?! They're shinvisible! How will we know if they come for our shins?! Change! How will we know if they come for our men?! Change! Hemorrhoids must suck! [laughing] I know! I've got so many problems! Badgers! Hemorrhoids! Crops! Wives! At least a bitch ain't one! Change! At least... I'm not one! Change! You're right, life sucks! Change! YIPPEE DOOPIE! Bob, how can you dance at a time like this?! My name's Cheryl! Change! -My name's Poopypants! -Change! My name's McDougal! McDougal? I'm a woman. Oh! Named McDougal! -I didn't notice at first-- -Change! I've known you-- -Oh man, I had suspected for years-- -Change. Well, I-I should've known when I was knee-deep in those boobs. They're right here! I can see them! Can I squeeze? -Why, sure! -Change! -NO, how dare you! -Change! I mean, I guess? Change! There's no boobs at all, they were fake! AHH! BADGERS! FALL HARVEST! -They were badgers the whole time! -AHHH! WAHHH! [makes sound effects of grabbing badger and breaking its neck and throwing it] Change. [makes sound effect of grabbing badger and smooching it multiple times] OK, cool. What are you going to do about the other one?! It likes you. Change! Ahhh, it's already eating you. Change. Oh my GOD, it's HUGE! Thank you! That's not his, er-, his, her, I'm not sure what pronoun you use. I'm going to be very... PG and social justice-y Wh, wha, are you him/her? Ze/zim? Just McDougal! Just McDougal? Okay, well, uh, hmm... -Well, you couldn't stop them from the harvest, you couldn't stop them from a-- -Change! Well, you couldn't stop them from, like, uh, erecting a- a a- mona- a mona-- mona- uh mo- [stumbles over words] I'm having a stroke! I don't know what to do for ya, but perhaps-- Change! Here, eat this.. radish! ChAange. WE HAVE CRO-- oh -I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE! -CHANGE! Would you like my pants?! How is that gonna help me AND you?! One boob, no boob McDougal! I'm so confused, this farm has gone to shit! -Well it's a lot cooler-- -FUCKIN' ALIENS ARE INVADING! Change! AHH IT'S YOUR MOTHER! GOD DAMMIT WE CAN'T TAKE ANOTHER CRISIS IN THIS TOWN! She's as big as the badgers! FUCK YOU, MOTHER! Change! I'm gonna fuck you mother! -Oookay, that one's stayin'! -I guess I'll stay here and just watch with my badger! My God, I feel like we're just flipping in between dimensions as time goes on. -It's gotten very strange. -I don't know what the fuck's happening. But at least I've still got you, McDougal. Change! At least I've still got one half of my ass. [giggling] And you know, with one boob and one ass, we make a whole woman. That we do. Let's drop our pants together. Aaand scene. Aww, right at the GOOD PART. Your word of inspiration... is... "memes." Dat boi... and dat boi... and dat boi, and dat boi, and dat boi! I want 'em all! No no no, we- we need to get rid of all of these. Change! I think you have a great idea, we should collect 'em. Change. I think that those pants would look great with this meme. Mm! Yeah! [moan? I think?] I like the way you slipped those on right there. Ah! I look like dat boi! Change. -I feel like dat boi! -ChaAnge. I aaam Shia LaBeouf, we gotta just DO IT We gotta take ALL THE MEMES You look more like a hippo in a pair of corduroys. Change. You look more like me. ...than I thought you would. [Mark giggling] I do look like you! I've finally got that facial hair that I've always wanted! O shit waddup! Change. I'm just gonna ride a trike. Change. I got a pogo stick! Change! -I think I'm just gonna stand here and talk to you some more-- -Chaaange. Care for an apple? I- I'd love an apple. Change. I'd love that orange. Change. Wow, I- I reaaally am not hungry. I- My appetite is gone. Anyway, back to the memes. I- I want all of the memes. We've gotta collect them all. It's- It's this new trading card game. We've gotta collect every single meme. How exactly do you collect a meme? You've gotta capture it. With a net. You've gotta capture it... with a car. Change. You've gotta hit it with-- You have to run it over. With a bicycle. I wasn't allowed to use my bicycle earlier but I guess I- good thing I kept it around. I know, right? This is a tandem so I can get on the back! Which one should we go for first? [laughing] Are you ready to pedal with me? Change! -Are you ready to stand here stupidly, pretending we have a-- -ChaAange! Do you like my ass? It looks great! Now get those legs a-cyclin'! [through laughter] Change. [also laughing] It looks great! Now get those- get that blood pumpin'! Oh, I was expecting a change, I guess I'll just keep going then, uhh... Well, there's a... Where are we going? I don't know it's hard- it's hard to tell! I've never ridden a double bicycle before! Have we actually been doing this on camera, live? Change. Is that a squirrel? We've hit so many children! I think it's time to get off this bike! You have to stop swerving all over the road! The bike broke in half! Change! The bike was jello this whole time! [laughing] We have to eat it! We have to get rid of the evidence! Change! We have to get rid of the bodies! Change! We have to kill your wife! She's got-- [laughing] [effort noise] Change! [sounds of... wearing skin?] [raucous laughter] Alright, your word of inspiration is... "care." Here's some money for your medical procedure, Billy. Change. Here's a dildo for your medical procedure, Billy. [giggling] I didn't ask for that. [more giggling] I'm five! -[laughing] -Change! I'm twelve! [laughing] Change! I just wanna be a girl! [loud guffawing] Why didn't you think that's the reason I got you this dildo? No, I'd rather have the money! The dildo doesn't make me a girl, I need surgery! Change! THESE AREN'T BOOBS! [laughing] Change! DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A GIRL'S ASS TO YOU?! I don't know, can I touch it? No! I'm still twelve! -[laughing] -That's illegal! I got you this dildo. Change! I got you this hamburger. Change. I got you this really flamboyant hot dog. I mean I love the hot dog. It really goes with my outfit. But I still wanna be a girl! I need less hot dogs! [chuckling] You take mine! I'll trade you! I'll eat that one, you take this one! Change? Hold on. Change? It won't come off! Just pull harder, pull harder! This doesn't seem right! Wait, keep doing what you're doing, though! -[laughing] -[incomprehensible] -Uhm, change! Hi, Billy. Please stop. [chuckling] I don't think you're a doctor! Change. I don't think you're my uncle! -[laughing] -Change! I think you're my uncle! [laughing] Look, I don't want you to take it, I just want money so I can get it cut off and get some boobs and an ass! I can't afford that! What happened to your monocle?! I took it off. You talk differently without the monocle?! -[raucous laughter] -Yes! Of course! [so much laughter] Well what happened to the money? You had the money! The money turned into the dildo, I had to buy it. Change. The money turned into magical mist that'll turn you into a girl. Change. The money was fake. Wha? I mean I can try it, like, doctors don't know about money. What if I just pay them with the fake money and see what happens? There are other ways to pay them. Sexual favors could work. I wanna be a girl, not a skank! [loud laughing] (said struggling with laughter) change No, that was perfect, scene. Oh my God, that was great. Ohhh no, ohh that was beautiful. Okay, your clue is... "cacti." So be very, very careful. You don't wanna touch the prickers around here, they're very, very venomous. And if you get pricked with one, OH, it'll give ya a good sting! It'll give ya a real good sting! Why are we looking at plants? Well, you said you wanted to come to the botanical garden. And this is my favorite plant, right here! It's a poisonous cactus. It's very interesting. Change. It's very pretty. Change. It's growing small children out of the buds, don't you see that? I just can't anymore, ya know? I just can't with you. You don't listen to me. You don't take me seriously. I thought you liked plants. Change. -I thought you enjoyed flowers, all-- -Change. -All women enjoy flowers. I thought you wanted to have children, just like this plant is sprouting You know what you gotta do to have children? You have to FUCK, Lloyd. [Mark chuckling] If you want to have kids, take me home... And FUCK me. You know what, Sharon? -That's not always the option, there's a... thousands of kids out there-- -Change. You know what, Sharon? Adoption is always something that we can do. You know there are so many kids out there that are waiting You know, that sprouted from a plant and that plant just ABANDONS them, gets swept away in the wind! What about those little plants?! Look, I know what happened with your parents traumatized you-- Don't bring my parents into this! If you're so desperate not to fuck me, then go find some plant to fuck! [deep breath] You know what, Sharon? Change. Alright, Sharon... -Ah... maybe another plant will wanna sprout-- -Change. Sharon, I got a confession. That's my fetish. I like fucking plants. Mmhmm. And that's why we haven't had sex yet, because... I'm only into doin' it with plants. I mean... If you were a little bit more LEAFY. Look, Lloyd, I love you. I wanna make a family with you. But, so, what-- Change. I'm into plants, too. Really? That's why I've been so mad. I'm frustrated! I never knew. I thought- I thought I was some WEIRDO, that, you know, like-- Change. I thought I was some CREEP that-- Change. I thought that I was the only one-- Change. Do you wanna have sex with a plant and me? NO, you fuckin' psychopath! [laughing] I was LYING. Why don't you wanna do ME? I can make babies! Right, HERE! [Mark giggling] It's just, your buds, they're not...! You can't even make kids with a plant! Stick it in there and see what happens! I bet you get pricked by the cactus and then die! There are children sprouting everywhere all over this plant, who do you think inseminated it? Change. -Who do you think made this plant sprout-- -Change. I made this plant sprout. You said the same three things. -Yeah. -[laughing] Change. Listen, Lloyd. Listen. I'm listening. Change. I'm hearin' ya. -[laughing] -Change! Okay, I'm open to plants, you know what, I'm willing to look past it. I- y- no, I don't get it. But that's okay, because I bet you never knew That I was into fire. Have you ever noticed how I sorta unbutton my shirt and, you know When we do the campfire? Why do you think I- I demand that we do campfires six times a week? Through the winter? Through the summer? No matter how cold? How hot? It is convenient. We can roast mallows on your chest. No, I don't wanna be on fire, Lloyd. I like being NEAR fire. And look... Maybe we could get like, a fire pit in the bedroom on my side and you can have some plants on your side. Maybe we can make this work. How close to plants do you need to be to, you know, keep it up? I need to be IN plants, Sharon. Change. Gotta be on the other side of the house -[laughing] -So I can't be tempted. -Change! I want YOU to fuck the plant, Sharon. It's not all about me. But it IS all about you. Plants do nothing for me! You said this one's poisonous, most of them are just floppy leaves! Why would I wanna fuck that?! Isn't that a turn-on for you? Don't you like danger? You like fire! You like playing with fire! You don't wanna play with a little bit of poison? -Change. -It's not gonna hurt that much. You like getting hit by cars, you like jumpin' off of bridges. [laughing] Look, okay, I was young then. I've grown up. Fire is a lot safer than bridge jumping. -Change. -I-- I can't believe those videos are still on the internet. And that's NOT... a SEXUAL THING. It's a DOMINANCE thing, okay? Which is different! And I'm just not gonna fuck plants! Okay? I just can't. I can't. That one's poisonous, that one's purple. I can't. If you're into dominance, why don't we just get a fucking dog? Let's just get a dog. I can fuck a dog. -[laughing] -Scene! -That was hilarious by itself! -[laughing] *Hey guys, hope y'all enjoyed the video as much as I did! Have a great day/evening!*
My goodness. Bob is the absolute king of improv. That was amazing. I enjoyed his bits so much.