-Welcome, everybody! Welcome! Please, have a seat,
enjoy yourself. Welcome to "The Tonight Show." You guys,
I'm excited about this. Dave Grohl
is my co-host tonight! [ Cheering and applause ]
♪♪ ♪♪ Dave, if things go well here, this could be the big break
you've been waiting for. -Oh, you think so?
-Yes. Yes. -Yeah, no. I'm really --
I'm really happy to be here. This is definitely
one of the coolest things that I've done today. [ Laughter ] -Really? -No, of course not.
I was in Nirvana. [ Laughter ] -Well, let's get to some news. Guys, here's some good news
to kick things off. COVID cases in the U.S. have dropped to the lowest level
in almost a year. [ Cheering and applause ] Pretty soon, the only place
you'll see Dr. Fauci is popping out of a costume
on "The Masked Singer." [ Laughter ]
That's right. Things are really coming back.
Audiences are back. [ Cheering and applause ] Restaurants are back! [ Cheering and applause ] -Kevin Spacey is back. -No, Dave, no, no.
Dave, no, no. -That's not --
-No, no, no, no, no. -I thought --
-We'll cut that later. We'll cut that later. Well, as the pandemic is calming down,
I heard that retailers are having a hard time unloading
all of the hand sanitizer that they stocked up on
over the past year. Right now, the CEO of Purell
and the CEO of Zoom are just holding
each other crying. [ Both imitating crying ] -You know, the best hope
that Purell has to unload their product
at this point is turning it into
Purell Hard Seltzer. -Yeah, I'd drink it.
-Yeah. -I'd drink that.
-I'd drink Purell. -[ Laughs ] I want to say congrats
to Phil Mickelson on winning the PGA Championship
at the age of 50... [ Cheering and applause ] ...becoming the oldest golfer
to claim a major title. -Yeah, finally, inspiration
for older men everywhere that golf is a sport
they can pursue. -Yeah. Amazing. Yeah,
after he sunk his putt on 18, he used a grabber claw
to get the ball out of the cup. [ Laughter ] The fans were going
so crazy for Mickelson, he actually needed
a security escort on the green, the final hole.
Watch this. -Kiawah erupts. [ Crowd cheering ] -Actually, they've lost control
of the scene. Yeah. -God. It looked like the annual
running of the khakis. [ Laughter ] -Those people haven't
been that excited since Lexus had
their December to Remember. [ Laughter ] I'm just glad to see
a mob of white people who aren't storming the Capitol.
Aren't you -- [ Oohs and applause ] Do you want -- Yeah --
-No, I don't want -- -You want to read that joke?
-No, it's all you. That's all you, Jimmy. Yeah,
switching gears, I just saw that Pop-Tarts just released
a brand-new mystery flavor. -Oh. It sounds fun until you realize
the mystery flavor is cicada. [ Laughter, groaning ] Hey, guys, I want to say
happy birthday to Bob Dylan, who turns 80 years old today!
-Come on, Bob. -My man!
-Come on, Bob. -Come on, Bob.
-Come on, Bob. -Come on, Bob.
-Come on, Bob. -That's right, Bob Dylan is 80, which means he still
has a decent chance at winning the Super Bowl
or a major golf tournament. That's what it means. I heard that Timothée Chalamet
will play a young Willy Wonka in a new origin story film. [ Laughter ] Yeah, he's officially
made the jump from "Little Women"
to "Little Wonka." -Yeah.
[ Laughter ] It's the magical story
of a young Willy Wonka right before he grew up and tried to murder
all those kids. -Oh, yeah. Odd plot.
[ Laughter ] Some more celebrity news --
On CBS yesterday, Martha Stewart was sharing tips
on organizing your kitchen, but this is good.
Something stood out to me when she got to her
knife drawer. Watch this. -Another organizational tip
for all of you is to make a knife drawer. You want to see
the best knife I have? -Oh!
-Look at that one. -Man.
-And it was signed by me. -Then she just stared
into the camera for 30 seconds. [ Sinister music plays ] I don't care what you say -- [ Applause ] I don't care what you say --
Prison's changed Martha. -Yeah.
-Yeah. -Gnarly. Finally, a drug dealer
in the UK was tracked down after police identified him
through his fingerprints in a photo of cheese
he posted online. Here's the photo. [ Laughter ] -Police found 20 kilos of heroin and 50 kilos
of multigrain Wheat Thins. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] That's my favorite one.
That's my favorite one. After seeing the evidence,
his lawyer said, "This is not gouda."
[good] You can do those jokes --
-Nope, that's -- This is your show, dude. Yeah. On the bright side,
in prison -- -He'll age nicely
for the next 10 to 15 years! Today, the White House announced
that President Biden will have his first
one-on-one meeting with Vladimir Putin
on June 16th. [ Audience "Oohs" ]
Yeah. It's a nice reminder that,
after a year in quarantine, you're going to have to see
some people you don't like. [ Laughter ] I can't wait to see
how these two guys try to out-macho each other
during the summit. It's like, "I don't need
a bathroom break. Do you?" [ Laughter ] [ As Putin ]
No, in fact, let's take off
our shirts and have a pec-flexing contest.
[ Laughter ] Yep, this will be
their first in-person meeting since Biden told Putin,
"I don't think you have a soul." [ Laughter ] It's going to be fun
when Putin tells Biden -- [ As Putin ]
Say once more so I can use
for outgoing voicemail. [ Laughter ] And go now.
Say now. The meeting will be part
of Biden's first foreign trip as president. He'll roll up like every other
American in Europe -- fanny pack, selfie stick,
and a love for saying, "Hey, they have a McDonald's."
[ Laughter ] Yeah, it'll be Biden's
first foreign trip as president, and let's hope
it's just as satisfying as his first domestic trip. Whoop.
-Whoa! -Oh.
Hey, oh! [ Cymbals crash ]
-Whoa! -Like four trips in one
on that one, right there, yeah. -Oh. -Well, here's some good news. As of today,
half of all adults in the U.S. are now fully vaccinated. [ Cheering and applause ] ♪♪ [ Applause ] That's right.
Half of America is vaccinated, while the other half
uses Facebook. [ Laughter, applause, and ohhs ] -Yikes. -That's right, 50%.
So basically, one Johnson is vaccinated,
the other Johnson isn't. You know what I'm saying?
[ Laughter ] Well, if people need yet another
incentive for the vaccine, United Airlines is offering
its vaccinated customers the chance to win
a year of free travel. That's right.
United's first prize is a year of free travel, while
the second prize is two years. [ Laughter ] "I'm good. I'm good." Hey, I saw that
Mike and Karen Pence just bought a new house
right outside of Indianapolis. At first, Karen thought
the house was haunted, but it was just Mike
stepping out of the shower. [ Laughter ] "You really are white, wow. [ Laughter ] I can see through you, yeah.
He's translucent. Unbelievable." [ As Pence ] It's more
of a frosted-glass look. [ Laughter ] Get this. In Georgia,
officials are asking residents to stop calling 911
about cicadas. [ Laughter ] Stop it. Stop calling 911
about cicadas. Which backfired immediately
when a bunch of cicadas robbed a 7-Eleven. [ Laughter ] And finally, in Texas,
a woman decided to do something pretty crazy at the El Paso Zoo.
Watch this. -A zoo in Texas is trying
to track down the woman caught on video inside
the spider monkey exhibit. She reportedly hopped a barrier
at the El Paso Zoo so she could feed the monkeys
Hot Cheetos. [ Laughter ] -Don't worry.
After the incident, the woman was quickly returned
to her own enclosure. [ Laughter ] Yep, people were shocked,
while the monkeys were like, "Carl, your Uber Eats is here." [ Applause ]
♪♪ This is big.
Today, President Biden gave U.S. intelligence agencies 90 days to find out exactly
how COVID started. Yep. Biden was like -- [ As Biden ]
If you can find a fiancé
in 90 days, you can find the truth
about COVID. [ Laughter ]
I believe that. It's worth a shot. I mean,
if we've learned anything from Marvel movies, everyone loves
a good origin story, you know? [ Laughter ]
And I'm excited, 'cause they've already cast
Timothée Chalamet to play young COVID.
[ Laughter ] So that's going to be cool. Yep, Biden wants
the COVID origin story now. Then, in 10 years, he wants
a COVID reunion on HBO Max. [ Laughter ] I'm pretty sure this will end
with us tracing COVID back to the same lab
that came up with the McRib. [ Laughter ] I love this. It's in the shape of a rib,
isn't it? -Ribbish.
-Ribbish, right? Like, bone-in?
-Eh, no. It looks like a bone-in rib.
-Like, it looks like the thing that flipped over
Fred Flintstone's car. -Exactly.
That big, like a bronto-rib. -I love it.
Here's some more big news. Last night, it came out that a grand jury
is hearing evidence against former President Trump
and could indict him. -Ooh.
-Yep. Trump knew he was in trouble
when he called his lawyer and the FBI
answered Rudy's phone. [ Laughter ]
"You're being recorded." We know a trial is close
when the courtroom sketch artist goes to Michael's and says, "Give me all the orange crayons
you have. [ Laughter and applause ] It's going down.
It's going down." [ Applause ] Of course,
Trump responded to the news. In his official statement,
he said... Then he added... [ Laughter ] And finally, he said... I have to catch a flight
to Mexico." [ Laughter, cheering, applause ] He's innocent. Some news from the UK.
Apparently, at the start of the pandemic, British
Prime Minister Boris Johnson wanted to be injected
with COVID on live TV so people could see there's
nothing to be scared of. [ Laughter ] Once again, no good idea
has ever started with, "I'm going to inject myself."
[ Laughter ] Boris was like -- [ As Johnson ]
In hindsight, it was stupid. [ Laughter ] And then opened a Starbucks
bathroom door with his mouth. "Aaaah!"
[ Laughter ] Well, guys,
as we head into summer, I read that there's already
a big shortage of fireworks. -Ooh.
-That's not good, 'cause the only thing worse
than mixing booze and fireworks is mixing booze
and bootleg fireworks. That's what I say.
[ Laughter ] "I don't know
what the heck it does. Just light it.
[ Laughter ] Don't go near it!
[ Laughter ] All right.
One selfie -- that's it. Then don't touch it! Oh, look,
the dog's playing with it. Oh, that's fun.
[ Laughter ] Alright.
Take it out of his mouth." Some guys are going to be like,
"Well, I guess we could just deep-fry a turkey
and hope for the worst." [ Laughter ] Listen to this.
In Virginia, a man created a COVID-safe way
for people to -- I love inventions.
-Yeah. -I love inventions.
-You do. -They're my favorite.
I really do. So, this man in Virginia
created a COVID-safe way for people to blow out
birthday candles by inventing a device
that's called the Blowzee. [ Laughter ] I think it's a good idea,
but I'm not sure I want the word Blowzee showing up
on my credit-card statement. [ Laughter ] ♪♪ And get this -- I read that over
$1 million worth of cocaine tied to life jackets
washed up on a beach in England. Police got to work on the case
while the SyFy Channel got to work on "Cocaine Shark." [ Laughter and applause ] I'd watch --
I'd watch "Cocaine Shark." -Yeah.
-Finally, new research estimates that the oldest maximum age
humans can live is 150 years. Right now, there's
a 149-year-old who's like, "I thought I'd have more time." [ Laughter and applause ]
♪♪ Today is the day everybody. The "Friends" reunion
is now available on HBO Max. [ Cheering and applause ] And just like every reunion,
people were mainly excited to see who gained
the most weight. And it's Marcel.
-Is it really? -You wouldn't
even recognize him. The thing is so huge, though,
HBO Max is already planning a "Friends Reunion:
The Reunion." -Yeah.
-Really? Each cast member was paid
$2.5 million for the special. [ Audience ohh's ] Meanwhile, when he heard,
Gunther was like, "You guys got paid? They told me
this was just for fun." $2.5 million is a lot. I mean, for that kind of money, you can almost subscribe
to HBO Max and Netflix. [ Laughter ] That's right. The "Friends"
reunion is a big success, and it looks like HBO Max has even more plans
for the franchise. Check this out. -From the people
who brought you "Friends," coming soon to HBO Max, it's... ...the story of a little
bald boy who dreams of someday making cappuccinos
for hot 30-somethings. -I don't know
if that's going to work. [ Applause ] Some more entertainment news. Amazon just reached a deal to buy MGM Studios
for $8 billion. Yeah, at this point,
the only thing Jeff Bezos doesn't own is hair. [ Laughter ] Yeah. Amazon owns
the "James Bond" franchise. The creators of "James Bond" said there won't be
any obvious changes, except there's one scene
where Bond orders two martinis
and then drunk-shops on Amazon. -[ Laughter ]
-But check this out. I saw that CVS is now
offering prizes for people who get vaccinated
in their pharmacies. Some of the prizes
are pretty great, especially the grand prize -- the key to the locked case where they keep all
the razors and deodorant. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] Meanwhile, last night,
Ohio announced the first two winners
of its Vax-a-Million lottery. Yep, any vaccinated adult
was eligible to win $1 million. That's pretty crazy,
but Ohio isn't the only state offering incentives
to vaccinated residents. Check out what you could win
in other states. First up, if you get vaccinated
in Vermont, they'll let you... Big spoon, little spoon.
Your choice. Up next, if you're vaccinated
in South Dakota, you're eligible to... -Room for one more! -Ah. Next up,
if you get vaccinated in Florida, you can... [ Applause ] Actually, you can do that,
no matter what. It's a right in Florida. And, finally, if you get
vaccinated in Georgia, they'll let you... [ Laughter and applause ] Well, this is very interesting.
A new feature just became available
on Instagram and Facebook that allows users to hide likes. No more likes? In response,
everyone canceled their brunch and gave away their babies. [ Laughter ] "I'm not in it for that.
I'm not in it for that." Listen to this.
I heard that Walmart is working with Gap to launch a new home-goods brand
called Gap Home. That's right.
Walmart home décor. It's the only place
you can get an Ottoman with a lower-back tattoo. [ Laughter ] I saw that a McDonald's
in Illinois came up with a creative way
to recruit new employees. Look at this,
the sign they put out there. It says,
"Now hiring. Free iPhone after six months' employment
and meet criteria." Owner's gonna be thrilled
with his new employees until the first day
of month seven. [ Laughter ] Some giant culinary news here. I saw that DiGiorno
is coming out with a new limited-edition
doughnut pizza mash-up called the DiGiornut. Here it is. [ Audience groans ] "It's not delivery. It's disgusting." It's perfect if you thought you
hit rock bottom with Bagel Bites but still wanted to dig
a little deeper. And, finally,
a skydiver in California missed his landing zone
and wound up getting caught in some power lines.
Take a look at this. [ Audience ooh's ] The good news is his Apple Watch is charged for
the next seven years. [ Laughter ]
♪♪ Well, guys, the weekend
kicks off the unofficial start of summer. That's right,
happy Memorial Day -Yeah!
-to all of you. [ Cheering and applause ] -Happy Memorial Day
to all of you, except for that guy
in your office who sent a work email
at 4:59 pm. You go, "No, we're not reading
it, Carl." I have a feeling people
are going to really let loose this weekend. Don't you have that feeling? [ Cheering ] By this time tomorrow,
the cornhole boards will just be two guys passed out
with their mouths open. [ Laughter ] Listen to this. According to AAA,
nearly 40 million people are expected to travel 50 miles
or more this weekend. When asked where they're
going, everyone said, "Anywhere. Literally. Anywhere else."
[ Laughter ] Meanwhile, with so
many people traveling this weekend, gas prices
are expected to skyrocket. Yeah, the bad news is gas
is expensive. But good news is you'll have
something to talk about with your father-in-law.
[ Laughter ] "Can you believe
how expensive the gas --" Gas is so expensive,
when I filled up this morning, a guy in a tux was like, "Might I recommend
the Sunoco 92?" [ Laughter ] That sounds good. "Excellent choice,
Mr. Fallon." Speaking of traveling,
a new survey finds that the majority of Americans won't take a road trip
without the perfect playlist. And 35% said they'd turn the car
around if they didn't have one. [ Laughter ] What's more troubling is only 8%
said they'd turn the car around if they forgot
one of their kids. -Wow.
[ Laughter ] -"Ah, he doesn't listen
to my music anyway." Yeah, you spend days
making the perfect playlist, then you spend the whole trip
trying to connect your phone
to the car's Bluetooth. It's really fun.
[ Laughter ] "Alright, everyone turn
their Bluetooth off! Everyone turn --
Now I got to pull over. Here we go.
Then we're going to have fun. Then we'll have fun. Everyone turn it off!" Get this -- according to the National Hot Dog
and Sausage Council... [ Laughter ] ...73% of Americans believe
that a barbecue is not complete
without hot dogs. I think the bigger story here
is that we have a National Hot Dog
and Sausage Council. [ Laughter ]
-Come on. -Send me a T-shirt, man. -Number one. -A lot of Americans are going
to barbecues this weekend. And sometimes you have
good barbecues. Sometimes you have bad ones,
so we actually came up with some clues, some warnings, to help you guys realize
that you're at a bad one. So if you see this --
For example, if you're at -- you're at a bad barbecue if... [ Audience ohs ]
That's disgust-- that's gross. -Really?
-Yeah. Here we go, this warning here. [ Laughter and applause ]
That means you're
at a bad barbecue. -That's a bad one?
-This is a bad one, yeah. [ Laughter ] Here's another warning --
bad one. -Okay. -Don't have him burp
by the grill. Yeah. Also, here's another warning. [ Audience ohs ]
-Oh. -That was a mixed reaction.
Someone out there likes it. [ Laughter ]
Someone likes that. -Is that real?
-I'm not afraid of it. I'll try it.
[ Laughter ] And, finally, warning, Just some warning signs. Just a couple.
If you see those, just know. Well, changing gears,
today Senate Republicans voted to block
the January 6th commission that would investigate
the Capitol riots. [ Audience booing ] After the vote, Republicans
said they'll gladly explain their decision in an upcoming
QAnon -- I mean Q&A. [ Laughter and applause ] Thank you. That's a great crowd. Senate Republicans said they'd
rather investigate something more important, like why wasn't Paul Rudd
in the "Friends" reunion? Come on!
[ Cheering and applause ] That makes more sense. Here's some good news. Right here this weekend
all New York beaches will be open,
and vaccine buses will be stationed
on a few of them. [ Cheering and applause ] And just to make sure
they attract a crowd, all the vaccine buses
will play the Mr. Softee jingle. [ Laughter ] Yeah, the vaccine buses
are a great idea because, when they're done,
they can just toss the needles on the beach
with all the others. [ Audience oohs ] [ New Jersey accent ]
Hey, what are you gonna do? [ Laughter ]
Come on. We're at the beach! -"Hey, I'm with
the Sausage Council!" -That's right. We work
for the Sausage Council. What he said.
[ Laughter ] Another sign that
we're returning to normal -- Costco is bringing back
their free samples. [ Cheering and applause ] Don't worry, though.
They're still being careful. Now a Costco employee
will just slingshot a cheese cube into your mouth.
[ Laughter ] Some more business news --
American Airlines just announced that they're
partnering with Rosetta Stone to offer language courses
to passengers during flights. -Ooh. -You think someone kicking
your seat is tough, imagine sitting next to some guy
sounding out French for six hours.
[ Laughter ] "Bonj-- bonjoi-- Bonjoar? Aurevware? Aurvware. Aurvwar. Aurvwar. Aurvwar. Aurvwar. Bonjar. Bonjar. Aurvoir. Jonbar." John Bar Jarvoir, everyone.
[ Laughter ] Love him. That's right.
The airline's also offering courses like photography. So, if flying
isn't awkward enough, just wait till a stranger's
snapping photos of you sleeping. [ Laughter ] "You looked
beautiful and peaceful." [ Laughter ] Well, this made me laugh.
Yesterday a CNN reporter was preparing for a live shot
when he realized a cicada was on him. Take a look at this. -Am I going to be in the --
in the same block out of this or going to take a break? Okay. [ Audience ohs ] Oh! Oh, my God! [Bleep] [Bleep] cicada. [ Laughter ] -Everyone in the control room
was like -- they just sat back there like,
"Let's just see how this -- [ Laughter ] Let's see how this plays out. Let's not say anything."
[ Laughter ] Speaking of cicadas,
a photographer in Virginia has recently picked up
an interesting new hobby. Check this out.
-We started with my son's fire truck. I decided to do
a cicada rock band. This cicada is doing archery. [ Laughter ]
This cicada was lifting. Look, Ping-Pong. [ Laughter ] -Okay, so clearly not everyone made it
through quarantine, okay? [ Laughter ]
-Ping-Pong. -Guys, finally, as I mentioned,
Monday is Memorial Day, and people are excited
to go to barbecues again. I love a good
old-fashioned potluck, where everyone brings a side,
but there's nothing worse than when no one wants
to eat your side. Here, let me explain
with a "Tonight Show" Tiny Song. [ Cheering and applause ] ♪♪ ♪ It's my first barbecue
in two years ♪ ♪ Can't wait to see my friends
and crack some beers ♪ ♪ Dave brought fruit salad,
Anne brought rum lemonade ♪ ♪ But no one's touched
the thing that I made ♪ ♪ Somebody eat my carrot slaw ♪ ♪ Please, somebody eat
my carrot slaw ♪ ♪ Heard someone ask, "Hey,
what's that supposed to be?" ♪ ♪ Glad my grandma's not
'cause it's her recipe ♪ ♪ Somebody eat my carrot slaw ♪ ♪ Somebody eat
my carrot slaw ♪ ♪ No one put it on their plate,
even though I'm right here ♪ ♪ Saying, "Doesn't
this look great? ♪ ♪ Now, I'm leaving the party ♪ ♪ Can't look people in the eye ♪ ♪ So I'll just throw it
in my freezer ♪ ♪ Till the 4th of ♪ ♪ July ♪ [ Cheering and applause ]
