Building superior Relationships l Brian Tracy l

so building superior relationships which is our next session this has to do with men and women what we've done is we've studied the interactions and the chemistry between men and women for a long time and so we have some ideas that you might be able to use we say there are six keys to successful happy relationships though there may be many more keys but this is about 98 99 percent of it number one is that similarities attract and you've heard this before similarities attract and what does this mean it means because of the law of attraction we're attracted to people who are similar to ourselves in certain specific ways and the similarities attract in almost all areas but especially in the area of values remember I said that an Rand wrote that all love is a response to values we love another person because they represent the values that we most treasure that we consider to be the most important I shouldn't say this I say this out of school but sometimes why my children have asked me you know why did you marry Barbara and I always have one answer and I said I married her because of her character her character not that she wasn't a beautiful attractive intelligent wonderful woman but what I married because those things will go a lot of things will go or will change when I married her because of her character and I still remember the moment I fell in love with her is when I saw that she had such wonderful character and that was the most important thing of all so that's what we're attracted to with another person we're attracted to values that they seem to espouse the great disappointment is when they seem to espouse the value and we find out later that they don't actually share that value that's a real relationship killer so we had similarities especially in areas of values children attitudes toward children having children raising children and so on money is important most marriages or relationships break down because of arguments over money it's the number one killer sex attitudes toward sex and here's another big discovery leisure time as you'll find that people who are ideally compatible really enjoy doing the same things in their leisure time I've had friends who've gotten married and she'd like to go dancing and he liked to do stamp collecting and so she'd go dancing she'd go out partying and he'd be working at home at a stamp collection how long do you think the marriage lasted not very long and I forced the children come into a marriage and it's even worse so you'll find that people who get might like to ski together they like to go out to dinner together they will find that couples are really compatible and eighty percent of times will order the same dishes as they'll say times two you know they look at the menu and they look at everything else I can finally order the same dishes I'll have the same thing and they like the same wines and they like the same activities and they're like the same movies in general so so what I found that I'll talk about this in just a second no I'll come to it in a second I get ahead of myself it's so excited so so ask yourself and you look at this in terms of values what are your values that's the core of your personality how do you feel about children many women make the mistake of marrying a man he says he doesn't want to have any children well most women want to have children it's a it's a biological drive and they think well he'll change and they get married and they get stuck into a relationship the last four years and he wasn't kidding he doesn't want any children and she does and sometimes the woman feels that she's wasted her whole product reproductive life in a situation where she thought he would change and she thought he would change a basic value so one of the first things you do is do an interview take him to him take him to a zoo see how they treat the other kids anyway money sex leisure time when you meet the person who is right for you there will be a chemistry yeah khalil gibran said there will be a moment of the meeting of the minds a chemical moment at the first instant of meeting between a man and a woman or it will never happen and that's in his book the Prophet when they asked him to talk to us of love and he said this first answer is there will be a meeting at the first instance of glance or it will never happen and it's quite amazing people will their eyes will meet across a crowded room and they'd all be married for the rest of their lives they may not get married that evening but they will start to talk to each other and go out with each other and be together forever and if it's not there it's very seldom comes later so there's always an almost an instant chemistry it's very hard to force that's one thing that you cannot force is the chemistry and a relationship it feels right because you will be in accord and on almost all the critical areas of life and here's an interesting thing that Napoleon Hill said he said subconscious minds communicate with other subconscious minds so you'll meet a person and know nothing about them but your subconscious minds your basic values your core things that you consider important will communicate in that instant and only later will you find surprise supplies this person likes this and this person believes in that and this person has the same background and so on you never knew any of that it was just the eyes meeting and it was the subconsciousness connecting at 30,000 times the speed of the conscious mind so this often happens sometimes you meet a person you're had an experience you meet a person and you can see them and you just like the male or female you just like them immediately you have an immediate rapport with that person and sometimes you meet a person or you see a person and you meet and dislike them and later on you'll find out that that instant feeling was well justified the person that you instantly liked is a really likeable person the person that you instantly had an aversion to is not a good person go have it instantly almost in it's so fast that you cannot even process it with the conscious mind rule is always listen to that gut feeling always listen to that intuitive feel that you have for other people if you ever go against that intuitive feel then it can be very very painful and costly as everybody who's been in business knows okay opposites attract this is the second principle of relationships but only in one area temperament nature demands balance so if there's an outgoing person and they are balanced with an in going person and the way that you can determine this is what it's called the talk test the talk test is everybody likes to talk and everybody likes to listen so each person has a certain need to talk this is person one and this is person two and so they have a certain need to talk and a certain need to listen and there's a about 10 to 15 percent of comfortable silences when you're together now the an incompatibility occurs when somebody only likes to talk 15 percent and the other person only likes to talk 15 percent so there's huge periods of what are called uncomfortable silences and this does this can occur later in a relationship have you ever been in a restaurant and seeing two people eating and they don't talk or you've been driving and there's two people sitting in a car looking straight ahead and they don't talk this is a sign of incompatibility or the worst is when they fight for air time it's both people like to talk 80% of the time if two professional speakers get together and you just can't shut them up so they're always kind of finishing each other's sentence and tripping these other's words they can't they don't listen they cannot talk so good relationship is the talk test is there's an easy and flow it goes back and forth and you can spend hours in an easy ebb and flow of conversation subject after subject with about 10 to 15 percent of comfortable silences are you just comfortable number number 3 is commitment in a good relationship there is a total commitment there's there's a thing in relationships called a trading relationship where people only commit partway I'll do fit I'll go 50 percent of the way you go 50 percent of the way the key to a successful relationship is that you go a hundred percent and both of you go a hundred percent the overlap is a hundred percent because if both of you go 50 percent then all that has to happen is a disagreement and you it opens up it's like a bridge that opens up in the middle and the relationship and start to collapse but if you both go a hundred percent then you can have all kinds of flexibility in the span if you like and the relationship is still solid so total commitment is absolutely important and and and that's why if you're now a hundred percent committed to a relationship then it's not the right thing for you a fourth the similar self concepts attract and are most compatible what does that mean it means that people will generally be compatible with people who are about as happy as they are now it's interesting because you sometimes feel find miserable couples neither what they're both of they're both negative they both complain all the time but they're quite compatible because they sit there and they complain and grouse and whine and moan and and and that's just their lifestyle and they watch television they complain about who's on television and complaining about the neighbors so some people can be happy together even though they're mutually negative but you'll be always be most compatible with a person who's about as happy as you are if you ever try to get involved for the person who's not as happy as you you're in for a lot of conflict and a lot of problems now here's a basic rule and I've said this before and the basic rule is people don't change people don't change their basic self concepts after they become adults now they may change if there is a significant emotional event in other words a miraculous event Moses does come down from Mount Sinai and lightning strikes and the clouds part and the human being changes but not bloody likely so therefore just accept that if a person does is not happy you're not going to make them happy the rule is that if a happy person marries an unhappy person the unhappy person will drag the happy person down the happy person will not bring the unhappy person up it's just ain't going to happen and many people think well I'm happy so I'll take this person who's attractive and has a lot of good qualities so I'll make them happy like me it just doesn't happen that person is miserable it's almost like they're a sea anchor they will drown the swimmer no matter how strong the swimmer is that anchor will eventually pull them under and eventually they'll have to walk away remember that that line from the movie Network I'm mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore about 60 70 % of divorces in America are initiated by women because they're mad as hell and they're not going to take it anymore they're just not going to spend the rest of their life in an unhappy relationship and they just walk and he's sitting there watching television he has no idea what's going on but they make a decision he is not going to change he's quite content being the person that he is and I'm out of here and they in retrospect they turn backs it was the best decision they ever made takes a lot of courage to do it the happy to scale how happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10 how happy are you on a scale of 1 to 10 and then how happy is the other person and just make sure that if you're if you're an 8 in terms of general happiness make sure that that person is a happy person too and make sure they're in age as well if you're a 5 or a 10 make sure that they're the same level because if they're not you'll have continuous conflict number 5 is another the fifth characteristic is liking and liking is actually more important than being in love liking and respect because being in love can come and go you can have arguments you can have fights you can be really furiously angry and so on so love can come and go but as long as the liking and respect there is there the love will come back what is the opposite of love what is the what is the opposite of love yes the opposite of love is not hate its indifference it's just not caring this is when it's over and when you can hate a person temporarily is a very fact that you can hate a person means that you feel very strong emotions toward that person but indifference is where the flame has gone out the fire is cold it's gone you just don't care and when you reach indifference it's virtually impossible to save a relationship when you reach indifference basically you're just sharing the same roof sharing the same living quarters and it's very hard to get it to get the fire going again it's almost impossible so like it in respect these two feelings are more important than being in love because as long as you like and respect the other person then you can patch it up now we have a little problem with Maria and Arnold in California this week and when Maria found out what Maria found out this like in respect went completely it's gone they you could see this absolutely crystal crystal clear I mean it's over baby there's no way that we can repair this apparently did you read the latest news children that the children were born within a short very few days of each other and the person working for them was pregnant at the same time and working in the house the same time Maria was pregnant and here's an Arnold or back and forth and what it was going through Arnold's mind let's how he's got a lot to answer for but apparently he's worth a lot of money so Maria is going to be set up quite nicely in California you know we have community property law that means that everything is divided 50/50 upon divorce so you say well why is it that people go to court and have these fights in court well you go to court to fight over his 50% see how much the woman can get of that because we're 50 percents locked in now how much of his can we get and that's but that's what virtually all the custody about all the divorce it's our ovaries how much of his you can get not only his now but his in the future so anyway Arnold is going to end up paying big time for his indiscretion isn't that a good word his indiscretion the best friend jest is that you're ideally suited to your mate when you're your mate will be your best friend to be your best friend in the world there's no person that you would rather spend time with there's no person that you'd rather go on vacations with go out for dinner with is that everybody else in your life is really peripheral your mate is your best friend and so that's always you always ask who's your best friend in the world your mate is your best friend if you have other best friends I got best buddies and best girlfriends and we go on vacations I know people who go on vacations with their girlfriends girls who women are going vacations with a girlfriend men who go on vacations with their men friends they don't want to go on vacations with their wife they just don't like them that much they love them you know but they don't like them that much so so best friend is a really really important thing what we find is when you meet the right person for you you know what your determine let's say I just met my best friend I've just met my best friend that's the person for me and that person is there by the way that person is out there now Communications is another critical factor in relationships good communications require time which I keep talking about it required a high quality and quantity of time so a car trip I've mentioned is an opportunity for uninterrupted conversation with your spouse over an extended period of time a car trip Barbara and I will sometimes drive to Palm Springs to take a two or three day weekend and what we'll do is we'll drive all the way there are two and a half to three hours and all the way back and we will never play anything on the radio never play a CD we'll just use that time because as I mentioned before the car becomes a cocoon and it fills with conversation and amazing things come out and you get to talk about all kinds of things and and the longer you're in that car the more things come out I've known cases where people are on the verge of getting married and they took a car trip to visit relatives three or four hours by the time they got out of that car they hated each other's guts they never got married I've had friends who are couples toom husband husband wife and they took a car trip on vacation by the time they got they never wanted to see each other again because the car brings out and was it's quite amazing it's almost like a drug it's like a truth serum it brings out what is really in the other person when you drive in a car for a long time with my kids and they know this with my kids whenever I would drive them anywhere would never have anything on I'll just listen to them and ask them questions never or they would listen to me I remember I was driving with with David and some of his friends and I was talking about when you grow up you've got to have goals and it's really important that you become men of character everything else then there's three of his friends and they're all sitting there quietly and at the end of it they all went like this thank you for the seminar mr. Tracy you remember that day it was really funny from then on I stopped talking when I was driving with my kids and ask them a question so so so number one men are direct number two is women are indirect and this is very important to understand men and women are very very different in their personalities and temperaments one of the problems that women have is women can sense things and communicate with women and know what's going on with women without even really asking them and they assume that men have the same ability and they're just not trying and the fact is that men are not if you take a woman's head and you take a screw off at the top of the woman's head you'll find a computer with lights and diodes and way of building them going all over the place if you take the strap off a man said you see one big block nothing's happening there's no lights another one went to where a man and woman are sitting in front of a television eighty percent of a woman's brain is fully functioning she's thinking about the television she's thinking about him she's thinking about life she's thinking about relationship she's thinking about her how big her stomach is and she's thinking about whether she picked up the groceries and she's thinking about the friend she spoke to and the phone call she got in the work she has to do he's just sitting watch TV dumbest is the his is the dumbest question actually it's the second dumbest question a woman can ask a man Jerry Seinfeld said this is when women say what do you men think about it his answer is not much dumbest thing you can say to a man what are you thinking about goes huh oh I was just thinking how beautiful you are he's scrambling he sits like a fish on the dock I've been thinking of something to say cuz he's not thinking about anything he's just sitting there ain't got nothing he's got nothing going he shut down you know and the here's the worst question that's the second worst tell me what you're really feeling men are like fence posts they don't feel anything that's just sitting there and but they want to give you an answer so they scramble around in their mind like a person running around opening drawers looking for something trying to give you an answer it will make you happy well I was just feeling about how much I love you oh that's good I mean that's what now can I go back to the television place so so you have to understand men and women are different men are direct so I say things directly and women are indirect men are not mind reader's and many women are women are often mind reader's movement can pick things up you know a man can call home and he can say and she'll answer the phone and he'll say hi and she'll say what's wrong she could pick up whether it's your boss What did he say and she can pick up that there's a problem in his life from a high or a hello from a single word he can walk in looking cheerful is everything else you say what's the matter what's wrong what happened well what do you mean what have we come on tell me how do you know this stuff women are women are human lie detectors you can't lie to a woman and if you're going to lie to a woman even on the phone she can pick it up if you're going to lie to them and lie on the phone because you can't see your face that's the only chance you got of getting it passed but even then it may not work sometimes that's why men break up by email you know I know well now they're breaking up by Twitter you know because you because women you say whatever you say and women can pick up the truth absolutely instantly and so women are really really sensitive these things men or not men are very easily bamboozles women are brilliant at relationships men are not women think about relationships all the time women men very seldom think about them and this is just simply the way the human brain is constructed so the most common proverbs and relationships are first of all lack of commitment and lack of commitment means that you're going part of the way as we said before and you can always solve a lack of commitment problem by making a decision you're in 100% 100% my friend Charlie Jones says far as my wife concerns divorce never never never never never never murder perhaps but not divorcing and the thing is once you've made a decision to be in a hundred percent it liberates you I I was reading an article by a very intelligent woman who said she was single during her twenties and she finally got married it was only after she got married that she realized how exhausting it is to be single how totally preoccupying it is your whole life is consumed with being single when you're single she said now that she's married she is in her 30s she's got two children she said it's quite amazing it's almost like the first stage of a rocket just fell away all those crazy days when you were single when you get married and you're committed to a single person your life becomes so much simpler and then all your focus becomes on the future and your children and other things you can do but when you're married you are just totally involved in when you're single you're totally involved in being single Napoleon Hill once said that no man ever become successful until he's married to a good woman and maybe today it's no woman never becomes successful until she's married to a good man because that frees them to focus on other things in life they're not preoccupied with being single making a commitment is not tying yourself up it actually liberate cyou our total commitment frees you completely from all the confusion of being single so number two a lack of commitment is often expressed in a trading relationship where you go half way I'll go half way and the key to resolving this is for each person to make a hundred percent commitment to the relationship the second problem is trying to change the other what you sees is what you get remember Flip Wilson what you sees is what you get people don't change and trying to change another person is a very subtle way lack of commitment by the way is a subtle way of saying that I'm really not convinced that the right person for me which it means I really not convinced that you're good enough and whenever a person is reminded or suggests that they're not good enough their self-esteem goes down they become insecure they become frustrated it's the same thing here trying to change the other person is a way of saying that you're simply not satisfactory to me the way you are so therefore I want you to do more of this and less of that I want you to straighten up and fly right and it's amazing people at weddings will talk to the bride and the bride says well I'm not the rough edges off him after we've been married for a while I'll get him to stop doing that or he'll start doing this and and so they go in with this whole idea and and they had this idea that you can change people but here's an interesting model I called the iceberg model and if you when you look at an iceberg or you hear about an iceberg especially in the North Atlantic what you do is you find here's here's the here's the iceberg but only a small part of the icebergs above the surface they say 10% sometimes it's only 5% it's only a small amount all the rest of the iceberg is down in the deep ocean currents and all that iceberg is affected by the currents the sailors used to be amazed when they would seek we'd be sailing with the wind north and they see an iceberg sailing south against the wind and it was only later they realized the deep currents were going south and then what was going on in the surface was just a little bit of wind well this is a human personality this is the past of a person and this is the present of the person so when you try to change the person what you're doing is you're working on the tip of the iceberg but since you cannot change all that history going back to early childhood every year that person's life all those experiences beliefs convictions fears doubts and so on since you cannot change all that it's very hard to change a person just by like pushing on the top of the iceberg if you cannot change all of that you probably can't change the person at all so what you do is you just accept the person completely through they are with no no judgment and no questions and if there's things that you would wish that person would do you could always say you know I would appreciate it if you would you know pick up your socks or put your dishes in the sink or something like that men are real quick to respond by the way if you ask us to do something we will you know why don't you take the trash out didn't know you wanted the trash take it out well the trash bag is sitting there in the living room I put in the living room between you and the television so you'd see it I said I thought you didn't have any other place to put it what would you take it out of course I'll take it out would you do this of course you ask a man to do anything they'll do anything to ask them to but don't say you know why don't you you know think of it yourself are you kidding they don't think about anything Sol Sol Sol Sol Sol when you direct with a man when you want him to do something or not do something he'll almost always do it immediately but you have to ask him just the the most powerful word in the human lexicon is the word ask ask for what you want ask clearly ask repeatedly if necessary ask confidently ask cheerfully ask politely ask warmly but just ask men are real suckers for that you asked us to do it we'll do it we'll take out the trash will mow the lawn we'll pick up the groceries we'll pick up stuff on the way home but don't expect this to think about it all by ourselves because we just can't do it all right so trying to change the other is a way of saying that you're not good enough the way you are and therefore you need to be whipped into shape and so sometimes we find if you just stop chained trying to change a person and just say you know would you do this for me or do that for me they'll change all by themselves sometimes people are proud of the person they become and they'll become more adamant when you try to change them they opt able to dig in but they'll also be angry because what you're telling them is I'm not good enough I'm not good enough for you somehow you're superior to me that you feel that you can inflict what you think is good for me on me I mean it's not a good road to go down okay number three is jealousy jealousy is called the green-eyed monster and it comes from the feeling of low self-esteem people who feel jealous feel I'm not good enough they feel someone else could never really love me I'm not good enough and the way that you deal with jealousy we say the natural human condition is that of feeling inferior we from infancy have learned to compare ourselves with others so we're always comparing ourselves with other people we're always feeling better or feeling worse and so in many cases because we were born as a child here's what happened according to the psychiatrist when we're born as a child we're really small and our parents are really big and powerful and they make all decisions and they know all things in fact they have found that a child's attitude toward God is determined by the way their parents treat them if their father is angry and demanding then they think God is an angry and demanding and vengeful God so if if they're if they're God if their father is warm and loving and supportive they think that's why the way God is and they develop that feeling before they can even speak that becomes their worldview of these powerful people so there was a book written by a mother a really nice book was called life among the Giants and it was about little kids and what do little kids see and they look up and they see nice I mean and they look up and they see these Giants these huge people who tell them what to do and move them around and pick them up and put them in the car and take them out and lock them in the in in the in the seat and change their diapers and put them to bed and so a child grows up feeling very small and these feelings of being small or inferior being little pervade throughout life it's only when the child grows up and has enough emotional sustenance that they feel big and powerful they feel empowered but now we have a natural tendency to feel little because that's how we were during our formative years we felt real little and whenever something happens like the person that we're interested in seems to express an interest in someone else we again feel little we feel inferior we feel that we're not good enough be very alert to this but most jealousy comes from inside the person experiencing it not from the external experience one last point it is never cute to make a person feel jealous sometimes they say you know you should flirt with somebody else when you're with him or her and it'll make them feel jealous and they'll realize how much they like you it is never cute to make a person feel jealous because jealousy is extremely painful not only that if a person has real problems with jealousy it can make them really unhappy but great to the point of violence and mental illness and all kinds of things so jealousy is something that's a real problem in relationships and try to avoid it too all this work on your own self-concept by saying I like myself or I love myself people who have high self esteem don't worry about jealousy they don't worry about these things because they have such confidence in themselves that it doesn't affect them the behaviors of other people don't affect them they would prefer not but they are not bothered by it and the more you say I like myself I like myself I like myself the less you experience any negative emotion at all the next is self-pity self-pity is a real killer in our society self-pity is rooted in low self esteem it's where people pity themselves and see themselves as victims see themselves as as as hard done by so the solution for self-pity is to get busy as the those who have a worthwhile purpose in life do not experience self-pity in fact it's interesting many of the people who are passionate about causes about helping others are actually trying to escape from their own feelings of low self esteem and significance they're trying to escape from the destructive criticism of their childhood and they're dedicating their lives to helping other people because when you throw your whole heart into doing something for other people you forget all about yourself so there was a line from Arthur Tennyson when he talked about the death of his friend Arthur Hallam it's a famous line in poetry he said I must lose myself in action lest I wither in despair and what he was saying is I have to just get so busy that I just don't despair of what has happened to me in my life and many people who are passionate about helping others are actually trying to escape their own feelings of inferiority unhappiness destructive criticism by doing something that helps others and helping them get out of it one of the fastest ways they say one of the fastest ways if you're unhappy with your life for any reason is to volunteer to help those who are less fortunate than you go to a soup kitchen go to work at Salvation Army do something to help other people and you forget all about your own problems very very quickly set clear specific goals for yourself and work on them every day the more you're working on your goals and working toward them and feeling like a winner the more positive you are more progress you may incompatibility is the biggie incompatibility is a real problem incompatibility has entered the relationship when three things occur the first thing that goes in a relationship number one is the laughter the thing that binds people together is a sense of humor they laugh together and you'll find that laughter the ability to make a person laugh is a form or foundation of sex appeal do you remember the movie Ocean's eleven where there's that conversation it's a really great conversation at the table and George Clooney says to Julia Roberts she says I he makes me happy talking about casino owner what's his name pardon Andi Garcia yes he says he makes you happy he says he doesn't make me sad and then he says and then he says yes but does he make you laugh and she can't answer and she walks away wasn't that a great great point he doesn't does he make you happy he doesn't make me sad but does he make you laugh so laughter is the first thing that comes when two people are compatible because laughter is a purely spontaneous expression of happiness when you were the right person you laugh you laugh all the time you smile all the time and when you're in a bad relationship the first thing goes is that goes as the laughter you just stop laughing you don't find anything particularly funny second is the conversation stops is you stop talking a lot I cannot tell you how many people I've met over the years you say they go home and they don't talk at night they go home and they chant and feed the children they watch television they go to bed they sleep on up a zit sides of the bed and they don't talk they don't laugh don't talk and the relationship has just become almost like a functional relationship almost roommates rather than than a married couple and the third is friendship stops is you just don't have any in common with this person and my rule is that incompatibility is the biggest single problem and people get really get their knickers in a knot over incompatibility without realizing that before you get married you have to go out with a lot of different people to find one person with whom you're compatible in the first place and if you're not compatible with a person it doesn't mean that person is a bad person it just means you're not competitive no chemistry we don't get mad at a person because we don't have chemistry and it's the same thing in life people evolve and change the biggest time of change in human life is in the 20s we go through a period of turbulence where we change our ideas and our values and we change our goals and our ambitions we change our ideas about ourselves we have experiences and setbacks and failures by the time a person comes to the 30s the greatest age for divorce is between 29 and 31 Gail Sheehy wrote incredible book some years ago called passages and she what she said is that our passages at every decade there are passages through the teens do you go through certain experiences and then you go through a passage and you're in your 20s between 19 and 21 and you go through transitions at that time through your 20s you go through the most rapid transitions and then from 30 29 to 31 you go through another transition really into adult life there are many people today you read about these kids that live at home and the 29 years old frat boys that hang out they have not even become adults they're still children hanging out smoking dope and watching TV and the kids in their parents basements which is alien to most of us but what happens is people grow apart and I was going to talk to you about compatibility and what I use is is the plate model is when you meet together and they're in the relationship is ideal it'll be like two plates that overlap you'll have an enormous amount of overlap and a little bit of difference and as the French they say vive la différence and so you have these differences which is what makes a relationship work what can also happen is that you can meet and two people will have this kind of overlap they'll be compatible in a few areas sometimes they're only compatible physically so they have a great time physically and then they get married and they find they really don't have very much else in common and then another thing that can happen is that you can be really compatible but over time you'll grow in different directions you just grow apart and this plates these overlapping plates slide apart and their gap opens up and you really don't have anything in common anymore and this happens just like the tectonic plates move it happens like the like whether it just happens as my my teacher Peter responds key said he said when something like this happens it could just say things just happened and there's nobody to blame there's nobody to get angry at nobody goes into a marriage with the intention of it not working nobody goes into a relationship with the intention of it not working so everybody does the best they can with what they have and so the other thing is it's not personal if the relationship doesn't work out it's not personal that's not a personal attack on either person if people could understand this and some people do then they wouldn't have all these terrible bitter divorces and unhappy breakdowns people just realize we reached the point where we're incompatible and I've spoken to lots of people where the couple just realized you know we don't have a lot in common anymore why don't we just go our separate ways I say yes let's do that let's let's let's sit down with a lawyer who work for both of us that separate our assets and let's just go our separate ways and continue to be friends but we just don't have a lot here we don't have enough to make a marriage and they do and they go their separate ways and they know each other dinner with a couple like that the other day they'd just been good friends for the rest of their lives but they're not angry with each other and there's no bitterness or no rancor and there's no lawyers getting all the money in the divorce if I tell you with some real happy lawyers looking at Maria and an Arnold and hoping they can be first in line because the jurors will end up with millions of dollars if they can get them to fight you got to get them to fight you got to get them spitting that and fighting each other and that really cracks up the legal bills okay so if incompatibility has happened accept it as a reality accept it as a reality don't fight it we'll be aren't all angry about it just it has happened just like it rains life happens things happen so if incompatibility has happened no one is guilty this is the hardest thing for people to believe in our judeo-christian society we are brought up to believe that something is wrong some if something is wrong someone is wrong if something has gone wrong someone is guilty and so it's always a witch hunt if something goes wrong who is to blame and you know what most arguments in divorce court are fights over how much blame each of one is going to take because that's going to determine how much money each one gets so the whole fight is who's to blame big problem with Maria and our by the way is it's too black and white it's Arnall it's in big trouble here there's not a single member of a single jury anywhere that's going to find four Arnold especially with women on it I know she's got a chance so so the most important thing in relationships is to realize that you do everything possible to make a relationship work and if the relationship doesn't work then you have the maturity to say I am responsible for my reactions no one is guilty and then just have the courage to go your separate ways in the meantime if you make a total commitment and spend lots of face-to-face time and communicate well with each other I put your whole heart into the marriage then chances are your marriage will go on and on and on and if it doesn't work out by the way it's probably the best thing for both parties is that there's a line from Christopher Marlowe the English poet he said when the false gods go in other words the bad marriage or relationship when the false gods go the true gods arrive so when the bad relationship goes the real great relationship arrives they say in the paper yes the suik had said 50% of first marriages in America and in divorce but 70 to 80 percent of second marriages they stayed married for the rest of their lives so so don't worry about all right let's take 10-15 minutes and come back and I said 10 minutes and come back and carry on we've got something great for you I've got a great experience for you many years ago there was a seminar called s do you remember asked yeah and Esther was a very interesting confrontational seminar but you have final essence I never attended it by know people who did the final ending I've asked was you are responsible you know you you're who you are and what you are because of yourself you don't like it change that was basically asked and people were going with what an incredible concept and it was a rage ously successful seminar the person who put it together together Werner Erhard actually took most of his work from us Penske and Gorch F which is an underlying series of ideas from here you've heard of Eckhart Tolle if you're told all of his work comes from Ouspensky and good chef and when you take all the work from a particular person that's the one person you never mention in of your materials but you could see and I like I like I've read Eckhart Tolle's books and I liked them very much but you see it just with a thread that runs through it is spent Sookie and gore Jeff and they taught the principles we've been teaching today about clearing your mind about accepting responsibility about different levels of energy of the elimination of negative emotions as being the lily the key that opens your future which requires positive thinking forgiveness positive expectations high self-esteem I have added in all the modern psychology but some of these key principles are from gorgeou anyway the reason I mentioned asked was because what they do at the end of S which has caused it to be successful is they would say to everybody are you in are you people of high integrity and everybody would say yes yes yes he said well if you are truly of high integrity then you will bring more people to this seminar more paying guests to this seminar if you don't it means that you're a liar you have no integrity you suck everything you say is untrue you have no future you're a worthless worm you're ugly unless you bring people to this seminar and so people would run out and bring their friends and literally become pests and I think is it was it life stream this is another important life spring that was the same pitch as well I mean that if you really believed in these sort of things then you will bring other people to the seminar to pay well now I want to talk about this seminar and what I would like you to do at the end of the seminar there's an evaluation form where you will just give us your feelings and opinions what you like most what you like least what recommendations you have so you can help us to improve the seminal over time and what I really would appreciate is if you know people who would enjoy the seminar please encourage them to attend the next seminar I'd really appreciate that but there's no none of that other stuff okay I would just thank you the other thing I wanted to mention is that you all have the CD at your desk did you everybody get that we put them on your chairs and those are wonderful things at any given time when you're stressed now it's very important you try to do this with an empty stomach and not after drinking don't come home and have a glass of wine and then try to use this it doesn't work the wine just kind of fragments your your hard drive so will you come home in the evenings just sit down quietly or on the weekend in an afternoon just sit down quietly and it has an enormous calming influence and over time it actually has a cumulative influence so you reach the point where you can just close your eyes and just go into a good deep state of relaxation for a few minutes and there's an enormous amount of research now that is coming up that shows that regular relaxation meditation or you close your eyes and relax taped meditation by playing the CD these have enormously good effects on increasing creativity improving your health lowering your flashpoint so doing this on a regular basis I know some people who've gone literally from rags to riches and they attribute a lot of it to daily meditation so whenever you feel yourself stressed for any reason just sit quietly and just listen to this put it onto your iPod carry it around with you just listen to it you can listen to it in a plane you can listen to it in your car you can do almost anything with it in about 20 minutes they'll take you right down right up and you just feel really happy almost like you've just had a wonderful mental or emotional massage now then the last thing I wanted to tell you about let's see I think I got this oh yes if you would if you if you liked this summer and you'd like to give us a testimonial please do so please stand in front of the camera over and speak to someone who may be thinking of attending this seminar and say if you're thinking of a tan just say whatever you you actually feel and that will be helpful to us because the most one of the most powerful ways of encouraging other people to attend is for them to hear you speaking and you explain how much you enjoyed the Summoner and what we'll do this will make you start will put you on the video will send you out to hundreds of thousands of people no payment of course and the last thing is people have asked us about our total business mastery seminar our total business mastery seminar is a three-day intensive roundtable workshop with other business owners and we've talked about this it's other business owners so if you are a business owner if you've been in business for three to five years if you're earning more than $100,000 a year then please pick up this form it's on September 16 and 17 16 16 17 18 and it will be here in San Diego either in this hotel or nearby hotel and if you're in business this literally blows your mind the seminar is like a crash practical MBA program in through two-and-a-half days starts Friday at noon and goes through all day Saturday and Sunday we had two people in our last seminar in this room and we only learned later one woman was on the verge she had business and the was on the verge of bankruptcy she came to the seminar she scraped up her last few dollars she said this is my last chance I'll go to this seminar and they guarantee it so if I'm not happy I can have my money back which we guarantee everything and she came and about just about 6 weeks later someone from our office was talking to her she said she went back into her business and she had come here to learn some things and go back and close down she drove her sales up 35 percent she got out of debt she turned her business around she said it was transformational those basic business concepts that she did not have another man had a business that had been in his family for 40 years and it was a ship ship repair building business here and I spoke to him a couple of times I said how's business oh yeah business is okay well it turned out his business was on the verge of bankruptcy as well and he was the son of the founder of the company he was about 3540 years old but he was really concerned about having to shut down the business because it had been in the family for so long he drove his he increased his sales 42% the following 30 days after going through that seminar and turned his business don't turn the whole staff around just with the concepts that we teach so if you are a business owner and you've been in visit three to five years and you're earning more than say 50 hundred thousand dollars here please come to that summer it's 1997 and for you and you can bring one person with that one thousand nine hundred ninety seven dollars and includes all materials so I just that's the end of my commercial if you'd like some more information you're probably going to hear from us anyway because we know where you live

Channel: Road To Success

Views: 10,356

Rating: 4.9725084 out of 5

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Id: zb2z6A-07Hc

Length: 46min 20sec (2780 seconds)

Published: Sun Aug 11 2019