Eliminating stress and tension l Brian Tracy l

let's go to the the second part of this is understanding the mind-body relationship and going to eliminate any stress intention and here's how we do it there are six primary conditions that cause us to feel stress and tension and of course these are all have to do with our interpretations I want you to do these exercises that are here when you get a chance and if we get a chance before the end of this session then we'll come back to the exercises that we're just you just passed over so the six primary causes number one is a lack of meaning and purpose in life now they said this is really interesting it really is a core problem because if you have a real sense of meaning and purpose all of your negative emotions disappear because you have no time to think about things that cause you to be unhappy you are so busy doing what you're doing remember we said yesterday sometimes you get so busy in the day you forget all of your worries you don't even worry all day long at the end of the day said oh my god I forgot to worry now they're the law of emotions says that a strong emotion emotion will overcome a weaker emotion so I want to give you an analogy imagine that you have two fires and this is the fire of all the things that you're mad at and unhappy about in life and this is the fire of desire and goals and meaning and purpose and the things that you really enjoy doing and want and want to accomplish and you come up with a certain amount of emotional energy each day because you don't use all your energy physically so every morning you have a new store of energy almost like in the old days they would deliver milk to their doorstep each day every morning you get brand new bottles of milk so you come and you have these this load of emotional firewood and you can put it on either fire and you decide well from now on I'm not going to put emotional fire I'm not going to spend my time thinking and talking about things that make me unhappy I'm going to put all my emotional fire on my desires and my hopes and my dreams and you load all the wood on that if you do that every day and keep loading this fire so it burns brighter and brighter and brighter and you don't put any on this fire what happens to this fire it goes out and once it goes out and the ashes go cold it's very hard to ever light it up again I've just given you four years of psychology that's all and in the university that's all you really need is the fact is that you keep all of your thinking on the things that you want and desire and get so busy working on things that you care about the other fire just dies away of its own accord because of neglect and lack of attention and so remember whenever you are thinking or talking about something that is negative you're loading firewood on you're keeping it burning you're keeping it burning and so what you do is use like a searchlight switch your searchlight over and keep it focused on your goals when you have a sense of meaning and purpose you can hardly wait to get up in the morning you hate to sleep at night and you're just busy all day long not only that the impression of making progress towards something that's important to you gives you energy beyond belief not only that because you are not burning up any emotional energy by the expression of negative emotions you have more mental and psychic energy you're smarter and you're more creative you have a better personality and you're happier you're more cheerful your body is producing endorphins and you get into what is called a state of flow this state of optimal performance where you're just functioning at a higher level than most people function because you're working and thinking about your goals most of the time so human beings need to feel that their lives have significance and the only way that we feel that our lives have significance is when we feel that we are making a contribution of some kind that is greater than what we're taking out the psychological studies that we've done over the years and of coming out is people who live on welfare or get money for nothing for not making a contribution or always without exception extremely unhappy and negative people which is why there's so much alcoholism and drug addiction within the communities that are high welfare communities because these people feel so angry with themselves that they take these chemicals in order to come sometimes to to blot out the emotional pain and there was a wonderful story of a woman when they brought in welfare reform in 96 and some two million people went off the welfare rolls this woman's been on welfare for three generations she had three or four children and she had to go out and get a job and she did and she learned how to do the job well and she was respected or steamed and she was paid well and I asked her you know after a lifetime of welfare would you go back on welfare she said absolutely not she said I feel so happy going to work every day my family's proud of me my people I work with are proud of me I'm doing a great job my customers are happy I mean she said I never I never understood how wonderful you feel when you're doing a good job and you're making a difference in the world so we need to feel that our lives have significance if our lives don't have significance then we just become angry with ourselves so goals here is that sense of significance lack of meaning and purpose in life leads to a lack of direction yes we just simply drift like a ship without a rudder and a lack of meaning and purpose means a lack of goals I'll tell you a quick story a woman went to a doctor and this woman had been to several doctors and her husband had died about two years before and they'd been married for many years she was in her 50s even married maybe 30 years and her husband died and left a great void in her life and she was unhappy and distracted she had headaches and psychosomatic illness since she had aches and pains and and started to have arthritis and things like that she went from Doctor to doctor to doctor and the doctors gave her pain killers or said that we can't find out anything is wrong with you she finally went to an another doctor and she's sitting there complaining and talking about she had been happily married for 30 years and now she's a law and shuns don't know what's gonna do with her life and she's got all these pains and the doctor said would you do me a favor and he said sure so he took out a box of matches those old boxes of matches took in a box of matches and he said would you put all these matches back in the box he poured the bout in front of her gave her the box said just put all the matches back in the box for me all right so she took the matches and she put them all back in the box and he gives her and he opens it up and he said no no I want all the heads facing in one direction poured them back out again put all the heads in one direction oh all right but behind her back and he said no no that's the back of the box they have to be pointed toward the front of the box please do it one more time did it again this time sheet what this is what you want you want like this is just the way Drac she did and she didn't got it but all Angry handed the box back how's that and he said thank you he said how do you feel now she said I feel more relaxed than I felt in two years since my husband died I said yes you don't have any physical problems you just have lack of purpose in your life your life is going around in circles and that's why you're unhappy that's why you're feeling these physical ailments what you needed to do is find something that's bigger than you find some someone who has got things far worse than you and go to work to help them and all your problems will go away and she did she went out first of all she started could volunteer for some charities and then she started a small business and then she got busy and all of her problems went away within a few months he was just as happy and as healthy as she could possibly be the starting point was the doctor realized that her problem was not external things she just didn't have a sense of purpose in life so there's there's a little ditty then I'll tell you feeling listeners make a list feeling listless make a list because the very act of sitting down and writing down ten things that you want to accomplish in the next 12 months and thinking about those things thinking about what you could do to achieve them suddenly all your problems are gone all your worry negative emotions depression frustration it all disappears when you make a list of goals and then when you say well I'm going to take this one goal I'm going to do something on this one goal right now and you get up and do something and suddenly you start to feel terrific your brain releases endorphins your energy levels start to rise your superconscious mind starts to work and you'll feel back in control you're back in charge like that good that that wonderful line from Arnold Schwarzenegger I'll be back and then that line from Paul Newman in at the end of the pool pool shooting movie remember that line then he was playing Fast Eddie against what's his name Tom Cruise remember that movie and he breaks he breaks he was the type so there's a top pool player in the country at one time and he breaks and he says I'm back - and that was the end of the movie well when you start to set goals for yourself as I am back you're back in charge of your life and it's impossible to think two thoughts at the same time positive or negative so when you're thinking about your goal and how you can achieve it and you're taking action to achieve it all your thoughts about negativity things all just disappear you just there's just no room for them in your mind and if you do something repeatedly over and over again what do you develop you know of a habit of thinking and working on things that are important to you all the time now people say well doesn't that make your life rigid or I mean what about fun it's not fun to be in the lunch and hang it around what's fun is feeling that you're making progress achieving something that's important spending time with your family going on vacations going for walks act physically exercising you writing it out poet a poem that's what's fun it's fun when you're using your potential at a higher level again Ernest Holmes once said that almost all negativity comes from a feeling of frustrated potential from this inner feeling that I could be doing far more than I am today I could be achieving far more than I am today and the only question is how do you realize your full potential some people think they can realize it by buying a lottery ticket or gambling or something else others realize that in order to achieve my full potential I'm going to have to work very hard for a long time and do really really good work and get paid really well for it and so might as well get on with it so the second major cause of stress and tension in our lives it's called the incomplete action and this is a major problem in psychology in the human psyche there is an urge to completion there is a there's a deep down need to finish things and Drucker called it a compulsion to closure as we need closure for things and so when we are in gut inve in engaged in any activity that is started but not completed it's an enormous source of stress there's a story of a trial lawyer and whenever this trial is in fact many years ago when you could smoke in a courtroom whenever this trial lawyer realized that he had a dicey case and that the evidence was against his client he would appear the day where the prosecution was making the summer each of the jury the final day and what he would do is he would sit there with a big cigar at his desk while the prosecutor destory Ernie got up to give the all the evidence summarize all the evidence against the the perpetrator and he would smoke this cigar and he would say objection your honor you raised the cigar and as he spoke the cigar the ash would grow longer and longer and longer and longer and he'd be using this cigar and he'd say excuse me that's not a correct statement and he'd keep moving this around and pretty soon the jury was watching this cigar when it's the ash going to fall off it got longer and longer and longer and he'd smoke it and he'd make a point now your honor and and and finally everybody they could had completely ignored the evidence that the district attorney was giving they couldn't pay pay attention and they're all watching the whole jury was watching this ash until finally that and they did the the district attorney would become so frustrated could not get their keep their attention finally the end of his summary in which they remembered none of he would put down the cigarette and he would get up and he would give his summary of the defense and he said he almost always got his clients off even if they were guilty and then he would go back and the courtroom cleared out and you go back and he'd take a long thin wire then you put through the whole cigar he said that wire has saved many of my clients from punishment because he just kept them in a state of tension sometimes what I'll what you what are some one of the things you'll do is you'll say ah well she's like my thirsty like this yeah and I you know what I was going to say was this a jack in the back there has red hair yeah you notice the tension builds up when is she gonna drink it either drink it or put it down for heaven says so so if so anything any uninterrupted and any incomplete act is a source of stress and tension because you feel like a non-winner any completed act it gives you a winning feeling that's why one of the best-selling books is by Jung by Alan what is his name John Burton David Oh David Allen I've spoken to him a couple of times nice guy he has one concept in his book getting things done that is worth the book and there's nothing else works in his book white white nobody else has ever been able to make it work and yes he sells millions a book you know what it is closed lips remember that John it's closed in other words take through your life and what are all the things that are still undone and closed them just finish them one after another as you close the loop you've got motivation you feel like a winner you feel happy your self-esteem goes up and it motivates you to close the next loop and so one of the most wonderful things you can do in your life is make a list of all the projects that you've started and have not completed now some of those projects you can discard which closes the loop on those the others you just finished you just closed the loop on them so procrastination is not only the thief of time and life but it's a major source of stress you can actually become physically ill by procrastinating on the completion of a task that's the reason why my book eat that frog on procrastination is so popular worldwide I mean it's a Mason I go everywhere in the world it became the number one book in Iran for two years in a row it went into 13 printings when I went to Iran to speak you know it's a very interesting experience couple of years ago they have my books and there has a Brian Tracy book section in every major bookstore in Tehran and out the universities and on the book stands and on the streets they steal all that they have Allium Ayatollah say that we in Iran do not pay royalties for the production of foreign books so they just steal every book translated into Farsi and publish it and so you never get any royalties but Jesus was like famous when I went there they brought 1600 people for three days out to hear me speak because everybody read that book it's a soap opera best-selling book in the country and they liked it so much they stole all my other books they brought me about thirty they brought me about thirty of my books to sign they said these are all the books that are in Farsi because there's no respect for copyright you know what they did is one of them when the book started to sell like a house on fire another publisher took the first publication and published it themselves and then another publisher took it another publisher took us for publishers publishing eat that frog all competing against each other and the Iranian book market almost amazing my point is that people love the book because it should gives them tools to overcome procrastination and when you overcome procrastination and complete a task you feel happy it just makes you feel happy you'll feel wonderful about yourself so we say whatever whenever we complete an action our self-esteem goes up and we feel like a winner every completed action gives you a source of energy and self-esteem every completed action gives you energy and higher self-esteem so just completing an action just washing your car taking your car down to the carwash wash it bring it home clean it out and standing back and looking at bringing the groceries home putting them all away and just looking at your clean kitchen washing the dishes after dinner and putting it all the way and looking at the clean kitchen these are small vase cleaning up the living room and putting everything away so everything's put away these are small things but they're complete acts you can't so it completely mowing a lawn cleaning out your cupboards putting all the garbage out completing any task gives you a sense of self-esteem self-confidence makes you happier gives you energy we love completed tasks in fact one of the ways you can get yourself cranked up if you're unhappy or tired or anything else just pick what I call a job of work it's a British expression a job of work just pick a complete job of work a complete task and just complete it and you'll Emily started to feel happy again it stirred and feel up so it's very powerful now the special case of the unfinished action and this is where I'm really going with this is what is called unfinished business an unfinished business is where you have had a situation with another person and you have not yet let go of it it's unfinished business it's still there and it's still bothering you and it's still making you happy and we talked about yesterday to deal with unfinished relationships you write the letter somebody was asking about that this morning and as you recall the letter has three or four parts first part is I accept 100% responsibility for the relationship and everything that happened in it no exceptions - I forgive you 100% for everything that you did to hurt me and you can list everything that the person did that you're still mad about interesting thing cycle neural motor activity when you write it down on the page you you delete it from your own mental hard drive when you say I forgive you for this you delete it from yourself it's gone from your emotions and then wish him or her well I wish you well and the rest of your life and then mail the letter you can do this Abraham Lincoln when he would get very very angry with someone in his cabinet would sit down and write them a scathing letter and telling them every single thing that he was mad at and then you just filed a letter but writing it all out on paper all his anger was gone it was written out on paper so he would never mail the letter they found these letters in his his his things after his death but after that he was calm instead of it churning around in his mind thinking of why he's angry and I'm happy and so I just wrote it down it's all gone so then mail the letter now this takes a tremendous courage to do but it also develops courage and character in yourself the third major source of stress and tension is the fear of failure which as you know goes back to childhood to destructive criticism when you were growing up to feeling that that that that I can't I can't I want to but I can't I want to break out of this comfort zone but I'm so afraid what if it doesn't work I remember when Barbara and I started our own business way back in 1980-81 I said you know we were living in a house which we've been able to buy from our previous job I said you know if we this business doesn't work out we could lose the house we could lose everything we could be forced back to living in a small apartment and she said something to me at that time that I never forgot she said so what it's only money we'll make it back let's go I said okay well if you're not going to be upset if we lose everything no no problem we'll make it back and we'll be okay and so we started the business and it was very very difficult but we made the business success all businesses by the way when they start out are terrible they're terrible you're gonna learn more about business in the first month after starting your business then you learned in five years at an MBA but nonetheless the business went and the business was successful but that was thirty the turning points so what's it's only money if we lose it we'll make it back and that eliminated the fear of failure no fear so now you can focus all your energies forward rather than trying to cover your back and worrying about what might happen so the fear of failure can be dealt with in two ways do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain in all the psychology they say the critical thing is just to confront the fear and do the thing you fear Ralph Waldo Emerson said his life was changed when he was a young man in Concord Connecticut and a piece of paper blue against his leg when he was walking down the street and it was a scrap from a newspaper or a book and it said if you would be successful do the thing you fear and the death of fear a certain Glen Ford had this beautiful line he said if you do not do the thing you fear then the fear controls your life the fear controls your life and you know how many people the bottom 80% of the population fears control their lives they don't think in terms of what they want to do they have what Abraham Maslow called efficiency needs they think of the things that they're afraid of and what might happen and I think of losing their time and losing their money and what if people don't approve and and so their fears preoccupy them now here's a wonderful thing is that no child is born with fear you know that already so where do the fears come from they're taught to us by our parents we learn our parents favorite fears and sometimes fears have a beneficial effect I was brought up with my parents traumatic fear of poverty my mother came from a poor background poor family Irish Canadian Catholic family and my father had never had any money and so all the time I was growing up they were petrified of cost and expense I mean they literally were consumed with the fact that they couldn't afford anything our family theme song was we can't afford it we can't afford it we can't afford it we can't afford and it's not the words it's the emotion with which they charge the words that affects the psyche of the young person you grow up emotionally traumatized by not being able to afford things and sometimes you never fully recover by the way decades later you're still thinking geez I can't afford how much does that cost oh it's a lot of money when when it's not a lot of I kind of have an extra piece of cheese on my Big Mac I mean oh that's another 50 cents you know what's the matter with you it's a conditioned response so here's what we learn is that if you if you have a fear in your life it's going to turn this way is this way is this okay good direction okay alright and if you have a fear in your life and you move away from the fear it grows like a balloon balls you know but if you move toward the fear the fear gets smaller and it gets so small it's completely manageable but if you back away it gets bigger if you move toward it gets smaller so the rule is that you move toward what you fear you do the thing you fear and the death of fear is certain in the Serengeti plains the zoologist who are studying the animals can tell who the leader of a herd is by simply watching the behavior of the herd when the herd is preyed upon by a predator a lion or a cheetah is moving through the grass and the wildebeest are grazing or the Zebras are grazing and they're grazing and they pick up the odor of the moving predator who is moving to get close enough to the pack to attack one of the members of the pack and the whole herd starts to drift away so almost like you see the herd starts to drift away from where the predator is moving toward them in the glass and at that time the leader of the pack can be identified because the leader who's been grazing with the others comes up and turns and places himself between the predator and the pack as they move away between the predator of the pack and faces down the predator now willoughby's does not have much of a hope against an attacking lion or an attacking cheetah but they will always turn toward danger and those are the words and it's one of the most important expressions I ever learned is that in life make a habit of turning toward danger is when you have a fear of any kind turn toward danger turn toward the fear and face the fear and the wonderful thing is that if you face the fear you can become calmer and clearer and you deal with the fear effectively if you don't the fear will overwhelm you and keep you awake and preoccupy you turn toward danger so what I suggest that you do is think in your life what are the things that you're afraid of what are the things that cause you fear and stress and make it a game to face them down then look them straight in the face and face them down to do the thing you fear rather than to avoid it and each time you move toward the fear by doing it your fears get smaller and smaller and soon you reach the point where you're almost afraid of nothing you'll never reach the point where you're totally fearless which is probably a healthy thing but you'll reach the point where people say what are you really afraid of what have you always wanted to do but have been afraid to attempt you reached the point we you can't write down anything because there's nothing you're afraid to attempt because you just if you're afraid of it hey this is a challenge you move toward the thing you fear and the fears will go away now here's the second way that you can overcome fears which is simple powerful fast effective and it's simple affirmation just simply say I can do it like béla károlyi you can do it you I can do it the interesting thing is that here's your fears are here and your self-confidence is here whenever you say I can do it I can do it I can do it I can do it your courage and confidence goes up and your fears go down like a teeter totter whenever you say I like myself I like myself I like myself a lot myself I can do it I can do it whenever you speak positively but the most powerful of all is I can do it I can do it I can do it because you can't say I can do it and be fear afraid at the same time because of the law of substitution when you're saying I can do it I can do it I can do it if you just go down down down down down and then you take action and everything is fine I've taught this to sales people who are tense about picking up the telephone or pratense about cold calling or calling on a customer just look at the phone and say way that I can do it I can do it I can do it I can do it and your courage goes up up up and then just dial and as soon as you've dialed the last digit all your fears gone it's just the act of getting started that destroys the fear I had a woman in my course and she said that her boss was really critical and was always criticizing and was never supportive or anything else and she was making her life unpleasant but she didn't want to lose her job I said you don't have to lose your job but don't lose your integrity the next time your boss criticizes you you look them straight in the eye and say please don't criticize me it makes me very unhappy it causes me to do my work poorly I prefer that you not criticize me anymore and so she said okay because it's been going on for a year next time her boss criticized her she said I prefer that you not criticize me anymore because it detracts from my work and I don't like it so please don't say those things to me anymore well well he was flush he walked into his office closed his desk closed his door and he never criticized her again he criticized the others but he didn't criticize her because she wouldn't take it and she said I can't believe it she said to me for two years I've been taking on this with this verbal abuse from him and all I had to do was confront him and stop it and so it's really important because the people that we need the most courage to confront are the ones that are causing us the greatest unpleasantness so what we do is we just confront them and say please don't do that anymore please stop doing that don't do that don't sit don't speak to me like that anymore well all right I'll go down the hall and criticize her all right eliminating stress in tension the next major stressor number four is the fear of rejection parents use conditional love to get children to do what we want them to do so at a very early age we've become hypersensitive to the opinions of other people around us mostly we're hypersensitive to people above us in the food chain people who are important to us important to our lives important to our incomes but we are hypersensitive sometimes to people around us people will reach the point where they're so concerned about criticism or disapproval that they're easily manipulated by anybody even people even complete strangers so conditional love leads to the fear of rejection which leads to type a behavior type a behavior is interesting the characteristics of type a behavior which are very common they say about as many as 60% of men in our society and about 10% of women have type type a behavior so the characteristics of type a behavior whoops is what first of all it's called the hurry sickness people have type a behavior always in a hurry they're always like like they like the rabbit I'm late I'm late for a very important date and they're always in a hurry to get things done to get place to go where they don't relax they're gonna most like they're a tight bowstring that's pulled up tight second of all they have insecurity of status by the way if you've come from a poor background insecurity of status is something that will plague us most of our lives it means that no matter how much we accomplish we never feel secure no matter how much money we have we don't feel secure we have this feeling as I said yesterday or on Monday Friday is we have the feeling that we're going to lose it all that it's all going to be taken away from us that something will happen we'll lose it all and we'll go right back to where we started and people have type a behavior conditional love are afraid that that not just the love but everything they have earned will be taken away from them and they have this insecurity of status so they can be the number one performer of the year and on January 1st they feel like they're no good at all that they've got to perform all over again they can never rest on their laurels and say hey you've made it you're you're a good person you're successful the third manifestation of type a behavior is a feeling a need to perform to some undetermined high standard in other words the standard has never it's like a finish line that's never been determined so no matter how hard you work no matter how much you accomplish you never feel any sense of accomplishment because there's no standard that you're aiming at is the bar is always being raised it's an infinite bar no matter how much you accomplish you you feel that you haven't accomplished enough you have what is often called the impostor syndrome and the imposter syndrome is you feel no matter what you accomplish you're an impostor and they're going to find you out and find out you're no good so you have to keep accomplishing you have to keep working you have to keep achieving and this becomes a habit and then it becomes almost like a mania and people just can't stop working and they'll work themselves to death by the way they'll work themselves long long hours sometimes people will only stop type a behavior when they have a massive heart attack and the doctor says if you don't back off you'll die often it takes what is called a significant emotional event an S II II a significant emotional event a traumatic event for a person to make a radical change in their behavior so competitiveness which is generalized toward almost everybody people have type a behavior are highly competitive they're always comparing themselves with others especially people who are doing better than them big danger as we said before if you compare yourselves with others you're doing better than you that's fine as long as that's a goal to strive toward but if you compare yourself with them and you criticize them and run them down and are angry and resentful toward them then that will consume you it will cease Troy you almost like that like a cancer number 5 is they have aggression and hostility you'll find that people have type a behavior are a little bit angry all the time and very easy to blow into anger if something happens to frustrate them for anyway they are thing oriented versus people oriented is they think in terms of things we were listening to a speaker the other day there's some friends of mine from saying here and if he's very wealthy but he went he said he went through four stages of life he said stage number stage number one of life was things they wanted to get more thing stage number two because he got no satisfaction from the things was more things stage number three was different things and stage number four was to finally realize that things are not the measure of success but he spent most of his life striving for things more things and different things and still as I said before there is no joy in things and he couldn't understand no matter how successful he was now it's much money he made remember that guy Brett yeah no matter how much money he made he just had no sense of fulfillment or satisfaction because there is no joy in things things are as dead as stones you know you friend of mine sold his company for got twenty million dollars he'd come from the poorest background you could imagine and the first thing you needed went out and bought a Rolls Royce three hundred and fifty thousand dollars top-of-the-line Silver Cloud he dreamed about that all his life and he bought the Rolls Royce and he drove it home and he's driving this car Wow isn't Florida he's driving this car and he goes home and he goes in the house and his wife is mad or upset about something and he gets caught up in an argument with her and he forgot about the car completely as if the car never existed it was just a thing it had no emotion it has to it so he'd be there thing oriented versus people oriented especially in terms of numbers his type a people are always looking at the numbers and always comparing themselves financially in terms of financial and number of financial results and the type a takes no time off they even brag I haven't had a vacation for five years I haven't taken a day off in four years this is the true type-a I've known people like this by now the type B is different the type B focuses on performance and results which are the key to success in business they focus on performance they focus on doing a really really good job they focus on getting better in their field type A focuses on politics and manipulation one of the great tragedies of politics today is that once you get into politics there's no more focus on performance or results there's only a focus on politics and manipulation everybody is your enemy everybody is somebody that you're trying to to get something from or they're trying to get something from you I read this psychological study recently it said that there's two types of people there are people who look at people as human beings and are interested in them and what they do and and interested in them as acquaintances and friends and there's people who look at others as agents as people that they can use to get something from and if they can't get something from them they have no interest in them and in Hollywood we're friends in Hollywood they say in Hollywood this is unbelievable you go to a Hollywood function and people come up to you and many of the people who get into Hollywood are very charming that's how they get into show business and they'll come up and they'll be really very charming how are you and how's it going and where are you from it how long have you been here and Hollywood and everything else and what sort of work do you do and then they'll determine that you were invited by a friend and you work for a different company and you can be of no help to them and they say oh hey walk away hi how are you doing they don't say goodbye or I'll talk to you later or nice to meet you or anything else they're literally in the middle of the conversation say I walk away and then they'll talk to you and if they figure out they can't get something from you just walk away and this is an entire roomful of people does this they're going around almost like predatory animals looking for someone who's an agent someone who's a writer someone who's a producer someone who knows something and if they feel that you cannot be of advantage to them they'll just walk away in an instant and I say they say in Hollywood it's just so shocking and I've seen this before I've been it in functions where I'm talking to somebody and and I have a nice conversation and they say oh your speaker and don't you live around here I said no oh gone walk away I mean so be alert to these people these people by the way or not well the type-a dies about 10 to 12 years before a type B and during that time they have an enormous number of physical problems they'll have anything up two strokes heart problems arthritis cancer all kinds of psychosomatic illnesses because they're so wound up and they're so selfish and they're so angry as they say ulcers are not what's what what you as a result of what you eat but by what's eating you and these people are just being eaten alive inside it's interesting they say that anger is a very bad chemical because anger destroys the dish in which its held it destroys the container in which its health so when people are angry eats them up inside and these people are angry jealous hostile almost invariably going back to unconditional love they they need the unconditional affection of others and no matter how much they get they cannot get enough and they will do anything to get it and some of them extraordinary clever and extraordinarily clever in terms of personality to in getting the esteem and affection of others so eliminating stress intention move from Taipei to type B behavior first of all to stop being a Type A admit that you're a Type A now you may not be a total type-a you may be just a partial type-a you may be preoccupied with your work I remember this woman reading a story about this woman and she I was totally preoccupied with her work she got married she had two children she worked 12 14 hours a day and her work was everything everything everything everything everything and at the age of 34 she's been working for this company for 12 years her marriage or motherhood was a mess nothing but problems at home the boss came in a fired her say we don't we don't need you around here anymore here's your cheque you can leave right now she walked out on the street she'd worked 12 years almost the entire time she'd been married she'd worked 12 years at this job giving her whole heart and soul to the job and it was over in one conversation and she suddenly realized she stood there on the sidewalk in the streets of New York and she said she's have I got my values out of proportion I mean I really got distorted values and she realized what a terrible mistake she'd make to put all of her life hope emotions everything into a job which has no joy and she went back and she became an excellent mother an excellent parent she got a different job doing some things to enjoy she said was a most traumatic moment of her life and I had we got the best because she realized she'd given all of this time to a thing to a career to a to a paycheck and at the end of it the gratitude was we don't need your services anymore you can leave now Wow okay so it's a good to keep your keep your values in proportion so remit that you're a Type A or that you have type-a tendencies and decide to change and then meditate relax completely twice a day it's the most amazing thing if you listen to that affirmation CD and you listen to it twice a day or even once a day you'll find that it'll calm you down completely it'll lower your flashpoint there some people are angry all the time if you meditate on a regular basis that lowers your flash points you get you very seldom ever get angry at all when something comes up there'll be a little bit of a surge of emotion and you just go completely calm again you'll actually reprogram yourself internally to be a much calmer more relaxed person much more effective with yourself and with other people so the difference between a workaholic and type-a are simple they workaholic is inner directed people say what's the difference and what Kahala T is inner directed they have their own goals and they're working really hard because they enjoy what they're doing and they're getting great results a type a is externally driven they're constantly comparing themselves with others they're constantly looking for others terms of what they can get from them they're always thinking up early the workaholic takes time off a workaholic can work 1214 hours a day and then go away on vacation and not take their computer or their cell phone and not call the office or anything else Taipei's by the way when they go on a vacation because they're its family insists upon it they're going on vacation they take the computer the first thing we'll do is set it up they take their cell phone and they're on the phone in the airport and they're on the phone when they get off the plane and they're on their computer and the whole thing is just an extension of their life and they can't they don't want to be away from the office for too long for fear people will find out that they're not really that necessary and the type a cannot take time off even if they take time off they don't take time off so here's a real good test is can you just stop work and take a whole weekend off and not think about work at all now here's a basic rule is that you need to take at least one full day off per week we talked about the Sabbath 36 hours if you cannot take a full day off without working without checking your email without reading stuff from the office without making phone calls and so on if you can't take a full day off then you need to really look at yourself I had an experience two years ago when I needed a new computer and they sent away and they ordered a computer from Dell and it came and it was not set up properly they did not have the right software so they had to send it back as it happens I was early December and I was leaving for a speaking tour of Europe at that time I was going to be gone for about a week and when I came back when a whole family goes to Maui for three weeks at Christmas they leave on the 15th I got back on the 16th so instead of going back to San Diego I flew from Venice through Frankfurt to San Francisco and I connected with the plane in San Francisco and flew on to Maui I got in there one day late and I packed before I left so Barbara had sent my suitcase with my Hawaii clothes so I got to got to Hawaii but my computer I didn't have my computer from the 7th of December all the way through and I didn't get it until the something like the 7th or 8th of January when I got back to San Diego and so I was not able to check email I was not able to go online I was not able to do anything and you know the most amazing thing happened the world continued to turn we get to thinking that we are so important that we're out of communication with the world somehow the world will stop turning so we've got to be on our BlackBerry's they've got to be on our email we've got to rush up to the room and get our iPad or come our computer on I can promise you this if you turn it off for a few weeks the world will continue to turn you're just not that important in the great scheme of things now people say what does something important happen somebody will tell you I want something important happens in your family somebody will call you or let you know no worry yeah but you don't have to seek it out because I remember a fortune writer who came went on assignment to Europe it came back after a month he had 800 emails had 800 emails there and he said I can never go through these emails in the next two or three weeks I mean it's all I would do all day long so he just pushed delete all he said if they're important they'll come back and the ones that were important came back and then once it were never came back they just deleted all 800 emails so I challenge you to do that just go out and delete everything give you everything from yesterday through delete all okay no it causes your heart to pound those now oh my god remember one time there was an email and now you can't live without it Judy Morgenstern's there's a really nice woman who writes on time management just wrote a book called don't check your email in the morning don't check your email in the morning and now I know lots of people who check their email twice a day it's right on there if you do not receive a reply from this email it's because I only check at eleven and three and I don't check it on weekends at all and so if so he'll check at eleven check it at three and the rest of then you can turn it off no pinging Bing Bing you've got mail none of that turn it off and you'd be astonished now you can really start to use your mind in a powerful way so eliminating stress intention the fifth major killer is denial of reality this is considered by many psychologists to be the core psychological illness denial mean it's a refusal to face unpleasant it's the refusal to face an unpleasant truth in your life there's something in your life that you do not want to face and as we say denial is not a river in Egypt all right we engage in denial because we're afraid of embarrassment we're afraid of admitting something about ourselves who are afraid of admitting something that we're ashamed of we're afraid of them and many something that indicates that we're weak or that we're not smart or that we made a mistake and it really bothers us so denial is a very very major source of mental disturbance so the three keys to eliminating denial number one remember the great philosophy of Objectivism reality is if an event has occurred it is reality it is now a fact it can't be changed don't deny effect don't deny something that happened in the past it's over you lost your money you lost your relationship you lost your health or business it's a fact don't you don't get upset how about facts things that occurred in the past that you can't change just accept it the opposite of denial is acceptance second of all is remember there's always a price you can pay to be free of any problem in your life there's always a price you can pay and you always know what that price is and often the price is to walk away often the price is to walk away from the money I remember people get into bitter divorce squabbles and they're fighting over the money and the finance one person says I'm not going to ruin my health over this let's turn it over to an adjudicator let the judge decide how it's going to be divided and whatever the judge decides is fine with me win lose or draw they just simply stop fighting about it and it's over remember there's always a price you can pay to be free of any problem that's worrying you and you always know what the price is the only question is do you have the courage to pay the price do you have the courage to pay the price and three resolve to pay the price sooner rather than later because once the situation has happened you're going to have to pay the price sometime you might as well get it over with and just pay the price and walk away sometimes the price is to walk away from money sometimes and walk away from a job walk away from an investment walk away from a relationship there's always a price you can pay and you have the courage to pay the price because once it's over you're going to have to pay the price sooner or later the only question is how long are you going to suffer before you finally pay the price their pump some people who go through a bad relationship and they're angry all their lives and they never meet another person for more than one date and they're never pleasant or unhappy and they think about their problem all the time and it makes them physically and mentally ill and they become unpleasant people as they say like them and weaned on a pickle you know they're just miserable people all the time because they just won't let it go I think so there are two types of personalities the first type is the evader personality the one that avoids reality is everything possible not to face the truth this is the person who denies this is a person who lies in some in psychology they have all those little terms called depression suppression repression sublimation projection all of these are different ways of a person not facing the truth of their life they're always looking for something and whatever is impressed is expressed and so what happens you can actually make yourself physically ill by repressing emotions repression this bad experiences in your life or unhappy things in your life that you don't want to deal with the second is the confront or the confronter is the totally healthy personality this is a person who just says it the way it is that doesn't mean they're undiplomatic or rude is they just speak their truth they speak from the heart and they speak their truth if they don't agree with something they say you know that's a good point but I don't agree with that if they do if they don't like something say I don't like that I prefer not to do that in other words they just say it clearly and they're not concerned about whether the other person is going to be worried or hypersensitive they're not attacking they're just expressing their opinion they confront things directly if you have a problem with a person they go and confront a person directly and say you know there's a problem here and I would really like to resolve it but I'm really not happy with the way the situation is right now instead of going home and tossing and turning everything else they just confront it directly so your job is to become a confronter personality and to speak speak your truth straightforwardly and honestly the most important rule you can learn in life is to set peace of mind as your highest goal and then organize your whole life around it wherever there's anything in your life that's taken away from your peace of mind resolve to set peace of mind Highschool and do whatever it takes to get your peace of mind back and there's two things that you can do is ones you can get into a situation completely and resolve it or you can walk away from it and often walking away from a bad situation is the most intelligent thing you ever do throughout your life you've had experiences where you walked away from a bad relationship or a bad job or a bad investment and how did you feel afterwards how do you feel afterwards actually just walk away it feel great you feel relieved you feel happy you feel exhilarated and all the things you thought would happen never happened all the negative things you thought what happened never happened and you say I should have walked away a long time ago why did I insist on punishing myself by staying there long after I knew that it was an unsavable situation number six is anger it's the worst negative emotion of all it's where all negative emotions eventually come down to so anger depends upon blaming for its existence you cannot be angry unless you can blame someone else for something so we become angry when we feel that we are aggressed upon when somebody has taken advantage of us or somebody is hurting us in some way and when we are attacked we feel like a victim and as you know we start to use a victim language actor I was talking to a couple of days ago said you can always tell because people use the words to me he did it to me it happened to me this happened to me they did it to me it was always to me to me I am a victim I'm a victim people who live in our entitlement society see themselves as victims they see themselves as entitled to being compensated for their victimhood because other people are doing better than them then they should be paid for being victims and they always use words like I can't and and I have to and and I wish and I want to and I'll try you're gonna always see a person who has feelings of victimhood when a person complains this am a victim when they criticize they're saying I'm a victim and they condemn other people they're saying I'm a victim I'm a victim and what victimhood does is it gets you you for your personality takes away our spontaneity takes away your happiness and your joy so when we feel like a victim we want a counter-attack and psychologists have found that one of the ways that we can dispel anger out of our system what is called gross physical impact activity where you hit kick scream or bite and if you can think of a very vicious fight where people are furious or even animals they're fierce they do all four hit kick scream and bite at the same time now one of the ways that we can hit is by playing sports where you can actually make contact basketball is a good way to dispel stress and anger out of your system kaboom kaboom kaboom running doesn't really help because there's no jolt whereas handball for example collect collect there are many cases where young kids have acne and acne is often anger related and father will go and buy a big chunk of block of wood from the lumber yard big bag of Tenpenny nails big nails and a big hammer they just had the child go out and hammer nails into the block of wood for 15 minutes every day in seven days all the acne is gone all the anger that was generating the acne is dispelled into the block of wood so you can actually get rid there there's a form of therapy called primal Joan knows about primal scream is what they do is they teach you and they take you into a a protected environment they teach you to scream your negative emotions scream about your father your mother something else and in screaming it out in a safe environment the anxiety and tension and frustration that's it connected with it is dispelled as well so biting is another thing sometimes when you're really angry about something you say I want to eat let's go out and eat what would you like quiche or a little seafood you know I want steak I want beef out more duck I want to get my teeth into something bring me prime more than a bowl in you know and so very often we want to go out and eat because eating we get when were angry we eat and we chew things and what is chew stuff the anger dispels itself into the food so just think of those as plenty think playing tennis quack-quack-quack playing a racquetball playing any kind of technique where you had just spell the anger out of your system into something else that's why hitting somebody another thing you can do by the way if you're really angry go home and just sit by the side of your bed and pound the mattress just pounding the mattress dispels all the anger out of your system into the mattress and you stop and you think huh you feel really good it's all good it's almost like you had a tranquilizer or something and this is all scientifically validated and it's better than pounding somebody's face even though that was your first live member - the key to neutralizing stress is the car is the cognitive control method cognitive control requires that you say I am responsible it requires that you take full control over your own mind and in taking full control over your own mind by accepting responsibility you have nothing to be mad about and nobody to be mad at and you're no longer a victim you're a powerful person you're in charge of your life the law of substitution states that you cannot think or feel stressed if you keep your mind on something positive so you keep your mind on something positive you keep your mind on something that you want so the key is to think about your goals all the time whenever you're upset about something think about your goals whenever you're mad at somebody think about your goals whenever you're cut off in traffic think about your goals because you can't think about your goals which are inherently positive and uplifting and exciting and motivating and still be angry at the same time so you can dispel every negative emotion out of your life by first of all refusing to express it and second of all think about your goals and when you think about your goals you become more creative if you become more positive you've saved your energy for higher levels you have more ideas you have more confidence you have higher self-esteem and so on and every time you take a step in the direction of a goal your self-esteem and self-confidence go up that helpful to you so far okay let's take ten minutes see if we can do it in 10 minutes and come back and we will continue

Channel: Road To Success

Views: 30,501

Rating: 4.9398084 out of 5

Keywords: gola settings, eliminate, eliminating, stress, tension, mindfulness, inner peace, peace

Id: veyBoy1m9I0

Length: 54min 29sec (3269 seconds)

Published: Mon Jul 29 2019