Bob Mortimer - RHLSTP #64

hello welcome to a new series of rich things leicester square theater podcast with me richard herring that's who i am thank you very much if you donated to the kickstart campaign that means we can video this series as well as put it out as a free audio it's a free video as you will have noticed but that's thanks to all the people who donated this episode though has been entirely sponsored by duncan thorley who writes animates and appears in a sitcom called maximum whimsy using minecraft it's available via his youtube channel also called maximum whimsy you can find him on twitter at maximum underscore whimsy a new episode of his gets released every two weeks which isn't bad and we do one every week but you know he's not doing badly he gave up a career and i t to do this full time because financial insecurity is just so in right now i know what you're talking about duncan he seems like a nice guy he says i'm allowed to take the piss out of him if i want and it's too easy though and he does a sitcom about minecraft so it's that is to it's like kicking a chicken i'm very proud of the end board i designed he says which can be seen from episode three onwards so look out for that if you're a fan of maximum whimsy who paid for this episode he's very happy for me to slag him off to high heaven i'm not going to thank you uh duncan for contributing a significant amount of money to make this episode be filmed there are still some spaces if you want to um get your product advertised at the start of both the audio which gets 150 000 listeners or the video which gets like i think 50 000 viewers so uh get in touch with me uh herring1967 gmail.com if you want to discuss terms with that we prefer it if you are an insane man with a youtube channel or an internet site or something like to you know coca-cola if you're coca-cola it costs a million pounds an episode and then you can sponsor us uh but the others for the rest of you will be a slightly cheaper thing anyway thank you very much for your time some of you will have fast forwarded through this but i'm going to trick you by mentioning it again in the actual show let's enjoy richard herring's leicester square theatre podcast [Music] [Music] ladies and gentlemen welcome to the leicester square theater please welcome a man who's just walked up 197 steps at the covent garden tube it's it's more than you think it's going to be it's richard herring thank you very much hello hello london thank you lovely to be back should have killed me last year i'm back i'm back uh welcome to richard's square theater podcast or some of the cool kids have started calling it recently rehear lester perr oh revelation they got the cool people uh so it's lovely to be here uh lots of things have happened since i've been officially at the leicester square theater i've i've had a human child who's emerged my wife's vagina it's one of the most terrifying terrifying things i've ever seen it meant to be the most beautiful day of your life it's absolutely [ __ ] horrific if you hate the person you're married to then have a baby with them because you'll be you will be delighted at the pain and then seeing a human head coming out of your wife it's not what you imagine it's going to be handy it's not as good as you think and thank you to everyone who contributed to the kickstarter campaign that has uh keeping uh this keeping us going that means we can film so thank you if you were one of those people who contributed thank you very much if not then maybe contribute to the next series because we'll have to do the same thing again uh for the next one but uh it went well we got we hit our target but chris evans not that one forgot about vat so we actually didn't quite make enough money that's okay i just won't why my baby just won't eat that's right for this for this autumn uh and uh what was i gonna say so uh yes uh oh yeah i've done if you were on twitter um there's lots of lots of things happening i was on on twitter and i noticed lord sugar who i follow on twitter uh if you don't follow him i do retweet quite a lot of what he says uh he got onto twitter to ask people on twitter to give him the name for his autobiography i don't know if you saw which is pretty cheap as far as again i know i've asked you all for money but that is a different thing uh and i came up with some very good names for his autobiography i thought firing blanks would be quite a good i thought that would be quite a good title especially in the autobiography it was revealed that he was also impotent well that is the uh i thought i quite like uh convoluted puns so i thought ass poo full of sugar uh it's like a spoonful of sugar but it asked who which it will only really work if he reveals in the autobiography that he's suffering from some kind of rectal diabetes and then that will but if he does that's a very good title for it uh but i actually thought the best title for lord sugar's autobiography would be i remind me of me at that age which i think he didn't choose any of those i can't believe he went for unscripted which i think is quite insulting to all of his many scriptwriters uh he you seriously think that show isn't scripted looks good on paper but so does fish and chips that kind of that kind of kind of skill so yeah i'm i've got a tiny daughter it's amazing i'm really loving it she's beautiful she's called phoebe she's three and a half months old now she's just started to laugh and stuff which is as a comedian is absolutely fascinating to see uh a sense of humor developing it's kind of weird what she laughs at sometimes it's hard to i might try out some of the material on you because it kills with her so i don't know if it's going to work the thing that really made her first laugh that made me and she got the first time she laughed something that i think she understood we were giving she's teething a bit so he gave her this kind of powder that you put but you put in your in their mouth for their teeth they just kind of their gums and they come chew on it uh but she'd never that was this portion only had cow pollen and milk so this was the first solid she ever had she'd put it in gin and then me and my wife laughed and then she saw us laughing and she sort of laughed along but in the way of kind of going yeah this is this is crazy and it's just so like me isn't it that i what what's what's going on with this i eat milk let's go why am i eating this uh so that was quite good fun and then uh and then i really made her laugh the next diet day by singing freya jacques to her but changed most in the world most of the words to ding dong it really made her laugh so i thought i'd try that on you and see if it makes you laugh i know what she found amusing i don't think she understands that dong means penis so i don't think i was i think it was the onomatopoeia that she [Music] can you sing can you sing sing along with daddy sing along with that ding-dong no i've gone as well as i got as well but then she found that funny for about five minutes and then never never again i think she was laughing at that anyway so that's been that's been very enjoyable but look we're going to uh crack on oh i must because of the kickstarter thing there is now i'm contractually obliged to do lots of things i would like to thank duncan thorley who has paid for this entire episode uh for uh advertising uh advertising maximum whimsy which is a podcast sitcom about minecraft i mean it sounds terrible but thanks for the money if you like if you like minecraft you know this is why most people won't sponsor this podcast i discovered he did say i could take the pizza no he's a lovely guy and he's very proud of the end board he designed which is on episode three onwards look out for maximum whimsy i do uh pick it up at the beginning of the show as well so you can look at that and also i have to say uh for um uh i did probably some people that i would call people a [ __ ] idiot basically is what most of them seem to have gone for so adam asked me to say lawrence crook is a [ __ ] idiot for chickening out of calling nemo parvini a [ __ ] idiot so there we go that is stuff so uh it's just i'm being paid money to sir to call by proxy someone a [ __ ] idiot that so i don't know there could be anyone there could be a really nice person they could have just died or something and then i then you know the papers that get hold of it and richard harrion's called nema partner pavini a [ __ ] idiot don't even know who that is so uh look we're going to crack on will you please welcome my very first guest this is i can't believe we've got him it just took me tweeting him and asked him if he would come on uh he's probably best known as the host of the radio 4 pilot bob says who from about 1992 which was script written by uh richard herring and stewart lee we please welcome bob moore to malaysia's bob martinez thank you thank you very much hello you can sit down here you can sit down with me if you like can sit in the same chair as me bob's brought his own lager in with him yes thank you very much i have thank you for noticing that it's good it's good it's 3.4 which is the healthy cut-off point if you're interested in that kind of thing is it is there isn't the healthy cutoff point not drinking lager no i don't agree with that so do you remember bob says who the radio four party you mentioned to backstage no i have no memory of it whatsoever it was almost a prototype of shooting stars i you know i don't want to i i i i i you know obviously i i create alan partridge i've never seen a penny of that i created own path yeah well you should get some money as well yeah i've never seen a penny of that and i was a big lad once when i was working on um inventing peter kane oh yeah yeah but i only got as far as the size i saw him when he was 16 17. yeah i was judging so you think it's so you think you're funny yeah in edinburgh and um he came on doing his you know fanta panda pops so i don't mean to be disparaging but he'd say grand things wouldn't he you can't help but be disparaging can you just by giving his act that's but i remember there were different times because there was like a judging panel went up and i said well i thought that the big lad the panda pops was the best i remember the the um channel four commission and said yeah but all they did was tell jokes did you remember you remember those times right yeah well it's sort of a little bit like that he writes he's worth reading his autobiography yeah peter k it's fascinating because he really writes from a point of view of every everything i did was amazing or anything you know he never had a bad gig so he writes about that and says how brilliant he was and but he writes about how when he was at school he was uh the cowardly lion in uh wizard of oz and he missed one of the rehearsals because of some family thing and they said oh you're just going to sit that dance out because you know you didn't went to the rehearsal and he was annoyed that everyone else was dancing and he wasn't so he got up and danced up and down the aisle and locked around and that lived to dance again everyone was laughing everyone loved it i don't think the other people in the wizard of oz were enjoying it that much pizza but you know it's a lovely guy have you heard the one have you heard the one about him buying his um his wife the renault clio second renault player [Laughter] i very much enjoyed his car share he didn't ensure it he didn't so she couldn't give it a go on her on her actual birthday i bet she found hilarious though when that happened so uh bob says who i've heard insurance what's ammo i remember that it's good to be able to remember thing i can remember things but no one else i can remember bob says who and you can't remember it that's why i'm [ __ ] as an observational comedian yes i did not remember it i'm not laughing how'd you made me remember it i'm finally hilarious one of the one of the questions the only question i remember was uh jason donovan said there are too many broken hearts in the world but how many too many are there that was one of the questions that you had to ask didn't fly he didn't fly somewhere at some reason it didn't caroline leddy was the producer of it he went on to be a big wig at channel four uh and uh stuart lee and wrote it bob morton hosted it sonia was in it i can't remember who else was do you remember sonja yeah she did the european song contest her energy like defied her size so you are from middles do you remember sunita [Laughter] simon cowell does so uh is you were born in middlesbrough yeah you were born in atlanta in middlesbrough i was born in lithuania in middlesbrough blindfold in my mom's house my my grandparents lived like a quarter of a mile from where you were born you're kidding i'm not you know in klebstone avenue cliffstone if you go if you come out of tullesbury road and turn left right into harrow road i don't know how yeah then right into roman road yeah and then left into emerson avenue i'm sorry actually it's the other way around then right into tullesbury so you from your house you'd come out turn left i've gotta turn right left right left into roman road right into harrow road and then paxton avenue they were there number 11 cleft stone haven't you and do you know who else was um lives on that street no chris ria you know the gravel voice no i promise you that that was true having you on your road yeah no he lived on capstone really yeah know if it's the first right after my mum and dad once saw you uh walking along on roman road or harry road they can't remember if it was a few years ago roman road was very straight as you can imagine yeah uh and so that's good so i'm all my family from middle school middlesbrough is one of the kidding me up i'm not all my family are my grandparents both sets of grandparents my parents met in middlesbrough my dad my dad was trying to work out if you went to the same school but i don't think he did go to the same time i mean my dad's a little bit older than you is he catholic uh no well we might have that yeah okay that was quite a split in that day yeah yeah yeah and you support middlesbrough yeah and as they do did you ever get rosebury topping of course i went to royals we told you are your grandparents still alive no they're all dead thanks bringing that up but my last one died a couple years ago she was 102. wow she had a good knock which for middlesbrough is amazing and it is amazing middlesbrough is one of the most horrible places i can say this is one of the really most depressing and horrible cities in the world yeah i've ever been to the rosary topping is delightful yeah i mean as it has a kind of beauty because like when i was young the coastline was eight miles of chemical and steel works which did have a certain beauty but yeah it's not a it's not picture postcard type of thing because i spent a lot of time you know we i've got we i i've never i wasn't born then i think my sister was born there uh but we moved i was in somerset by the time i can really remember so we would drive up every summer and see the grandparents so i spent a lot of time in middle school and do you remember the lights from the works and everything well i remember it being my granddad worked in the park went in the captain cook museum did you ever go to that i bought football manager 1918 in 1982 the first one of the first football manager cassettes for my computer in middlesbrough townsend's wx miss wow do you remember dovecut sales rooms no that's a [ __ ] but people remember it fondly yeah they sort of how did they get you know how did they get away with that there was i did come across a newspaper ask about you choosing your seven favorite places in middlesbrough in the local paper and one of the comments is he loves it so much he does anything but live here which is just typical of middlesbrough i think yeah he moved away as soon as he could yeah he [ __ ] did and so would you have done it but it's lovely we could say this because we love middlesbrough were you a big man in middlesbrough i was a bit man yeah i did grove real estate and certain mistakes and it was in the days of of cast iron bins then right so it was very much a man's job i was very much admired you know like you know like on that eric cantona advert yeah are you a bin man do you know that sounds good though uh my granddad did so many different jobs and that's something i think was he been he might have worked did you ever meet don hannon no don't you remember no he was in miami he's nothing to do with it i look a bit like him he had kind but he had his hair was grey unlike mine uh so it's well just because he was old i suppose it was probably he wasn't grey his whole life anyway that's that's the middles were based up but do you think there is a um the northeast has brought a lot of very esoteric and you know viz and you and vic create this kind of very different kind of comedy to southerners i suppose and people like me are oxford educated idiots like me yeah do you think there's something in the northeast that's inherently amusing i don't think so richard maybe i mean i like um when whenever i go back up there i get on i get in tune with their humor very quickly do you know many middlesbrough people no they're all dead now all the original ones they're like the tomorrow people yeah no there's i think there might be something in it like um we haven't got that like loud brush scousy sort of thing going on no or the um the one where you leave stage and people say it's pretty clever that guy he's made me laugh but we haven't got that nothing um but no i don't i i don't know it seems a bit rare lived on capstone yeah honestly yeah i used to play with him down the road he's a bit older than me he's yeah he's two years older than me catholic he went to saint patrick's whole rio family did they're um very successful family a little i can see they're nice houses clebston all right yeah i mean from middlesbrough yeah no they're not bad yeah they got upstairs and other my my poor grandparents lived in benson avenue which is uh benson that sounds like it's in town yeah it's sort of nearer to yeah i drove i went back there because it's been a long time since i've really been there because they mostly died a while ago and uh and yeah that's but all of it seems so the benson street was when i went back in my mind because i was a kid it's like a big big house with these tiny little yeah terrace yeah right one down two up kind of yeah i mean i mean mate's trying to flog one now from up there it's 42 grand you know it's incredible in it that is incredible do you want it yeah i might buy it and buy that with the yeah and we're moving house but you used to be a solicitor i was going to ask you if you could help me with with moving houses really expensive can you fill in the forms and stuff oh i do you know i probably could to be honest with you but you wouldn't necessarily own the house afterwards if that if that bothers you you know i did i bought a few i remember i bought one um i bought one in east dullich for some so lovely couple had all the right ideas about life you know nice people and um i bought them it and i forgot to go to forgot to get them to sign the mortgage deed like and but which means they could have the house for free he settled land act 1925 it has to be has to be written on so i got me my kingy who did an acros which is dr king and his flying rabbits and a [ __ ] it was a leeds permanent building society mortgage so me and king thought you'll need a trilby because if it's permanent so he went round right he went around with um with the mortgage deed and did it as a like hello we just if you're happy with the service and if you could just sign this document and they signed it but i can remember because like because i was a lawyer like it's very like sheltered thing you can't think that there's anything else you could do and i would have lost i would have been struck off right god was a frightening day no it was i didn't masturbate anything and i was young can you get into trouble retrospectively for this can be sent to prison now you no i don't well i wonder but the problem is you have a you know you buy a house in london and then i'm trying to sell my house in london and then you have to buy somewhere else with the money yeah so it's not doesn't mean anything just everything's more expensive you go and live in middle school yeah i could buy the whole of benson street i mean i might do that by the whole if you could find someone called hedges to buy one and call it tobacco road so it's kind of fascinating to me that you when you met vic reeves jim moyer uh you were kind of in the audience of his show listen and you kind of that's how you got together with him yeah i mean we can't really remember very well but i mean you say it was a show it was it was like there was a room above a pub in deptford and it was um him and one table of his mates and jim's a bit of a show-off and he was just doing his thing for his mates right and actually dr king with flying rabbits he was uh a mutual friend who took me to this so i sat on the table of friends yeah and i have no memory of how i got involved in it because everyone was involved in it um i think i'll get i went up and gave him a check for his work he'd done for really really hungry kids or something you know that kind of thing and uh yeah because i mean he's not not an easy chap to meet no jim he's very shy and of course he suffers from that thing that if you're on the telly you're not allowed to be shy because it's interpreted as being really rude yeah so and he but he's very i didn't get to know him for a while he'd sort of say he i couldn't remember he said would you come on and give us a check do you know you know i can't really remember the first time i went up there or the but we started writing it in his kitchen maybe four or five weeks after i'd seen him that first time because we did a different show every week yeah um well again that's sort of interesting because that's so different than the rest of the comedy scene so this was like the late 80s early 90s about yeah 88 something like that yeah so i mean the rest of the conversation i was you know me and stu moved to london in 89 90 and we started doing stand up but we you know you would go to clubs and you'd do the same thing at every club until you've got more gigs and you do you're completely doing your own thing yeah sort of separate and then by sort of chanting happenstance that sort of thing well it was the same audience every week but like growing but you couldn't so you could you had to do something new for them every week where you say that bob [Laughter] you wait you wait till we get on to the emergency questions see are you just hoping the next guest was from middlesbrough as well [Laughter] the nexus is very similar to you in a lot of ways but uh she's i don't think she's gonna be just trying i don't know where [Music] i've done a radio show with for a long time uh so uh yeah that's what that's i've been it's been a lot of fun researching this because i've been going back and watching lots of reeves and mortimer from various eras and what what again i was saying backstage i mean it's kind of so it's so much its own thing and it's so different than other stuff and it's so stupid a lot of it but there's a lot of so you're just laughing the ridiculousness of it the insurgency of it there's a lot of what i really like is someone sent me a link to the stars in their eyes sketcher did yeah which has lots of funny stuff in it but the thing that really made me laugh was that the door that they came through in stars in their eyes was too low so everyone had to go and it's not and you don't make a big thing of it it's just like the door that starts to actually just everyone has to bend down to get through it and it's one of the funny it just was making me laugh so much and it's such a subtle throwaway little joke in there so there's so much depth and thought that other things got into it yeah look what we did used to really write those things so like we would are you done you're selfish we're like no shows that you you really care about so we would take every instruction so it comes through a door and and not leave it then think well what about the did you know well let's make it too small and then try and do every little detail i mean we even put i don't know if you remember that one but if you notice that matthew kelly has a set of gallows on his head i don't know i don't know whether like that was important or something but yeah we're just you know like we're just when do you remember those youthful days where you really gave a [ __ ] and you thought so i thought you know what would you know something about him having gallows on his head yeah seemed right for that it's sort of interesting because i think absurd that kind of a surgical surreal i don't think it's really surreal human but it's sort of absurd humor it's everyone goes well it sort of looks like it's easy because it's just saying some things that don't link together but actually to get it right i was listening to you talked you and vic being you interviewing vic in uh the uh that radio 4 show where the the chain reaction thing and he just he said you were wearing speedos and an old bus conductor's ticket machine and nothing else and that was just like such but that's such too brilliant thing it just conjures up such an amazing amazing image but like where why would you think of a bus conductor so it's very hard to be absurd because you because you know your your brain follows patterns so it's actually deliberately and it feels very ad-libbed a lot of those those things where you're where you are just messing around yeah i mean they're not we it's like with uh people you know like especially with the big night out that was um like every little pretend laughing at each other or forgetting our lines was all very rehearsed because i think when you're being been you're in being so indulgent as to do stuff that just just makes you laugh and you never had that thought will anyone else laugh you know you've got to you've got to present it with a certain likeness that might that people might say of quite like these fellas yeah you know they seem all right they're having a bash and get a bit of sympathy rather than like you know rather than get them straight down that line which is so easy with us to say sort of like who do you think you are and i don't like these two fellas yeah i think you are like one it's because it's got this home homemade feel about it but then it is there's a real craft beneath it when you what so that's the the trick is to make it look like bumbling and insane and then you suddenly look at it and go oh my god there's a lot of works gone into this yeah and it's really really hard i just think it's that you do see you see stand-ups who try to be surreal and it just often it's just it's but i mean i say dude sometimes if you're in the wrong mood as a viewer your stuff is really irritating and makes you quite angry there's just times i think it's going off rage she's going yeah i'll [ __ ] off and then if you're but you can then the next day go and watch the same thing and go this is just amazing i mean i remember seeing i remember watching the big night out and just being completely blown away by because it was so different than yeah but you're right it's irritating as well if you're in the wrong mood or it's not your like your bag you know like we i don't know it's i i always found it very like funny so we went along with it and no one stopped us yet so well that's i mean that is the thing you really have such an amazing body it's one of those things i think oh yeah there's reason more than this and this but actually when you look at the body of work that you've created and the consistency where both of you work together and apart it's like it's a massive body weight for 25 years with really no respite and some things have become much more famous than others and some things but something like cat rick i think which people wouldn't remember or didn't see is that it wasn't wasn't a it was a completely different thing again it was an amazing thing i mean that's a favorite of ours yeah we always we always like to catrick in a series we did called bang bang um and and funnily enough a saturday night thing we did for bbc one that was called families at war yeah so that we always they're the three that we all we yeah what so what was the family was famous it was like a a game show with a sort of generation it was um we'd get two families and we would think of a um like a skill that they might have which we thought was funny like that they i hardly remember that like that they could change light bulbs in one jump and then we'd get the family and we'd say are you willing to pretend to the british public that you can change light bulbs and you know i mean that's the way it elies that is and we'd get we'd get families who who are willing to come up and say yes i can i think this one woman she could said that she could she could iron on moving services but that that was the challenge we gave not missus whoever mrs peacock are you willing to say that you can hire them on a moving surface and to get on telly they say yeah yeah right yeah kosovo so we had a motorized dining board and yesterday was saturday night thing and then um when if you what the family that one went into something called the cubiscus where they were dressed as a spider and they had to pick gifts out of this cage whilst jim for some reason i think because he wasn't involved in this bit it's always a delight for me because i have nothing to do with these things if he's it's like we did a thing called catrick and if anyone remembers it he looks exactly like peter suckling and that there was no there was never any suggestion any script or had been any meeting where he looked like peter supply and on the first day of filming he [ __ ] emerged says what do you think of this thing and then in the moment you go for it and then you're then you're committed because it's on tape and then you i would be the spider which the family manipulated to pick up hoovers and [ __ ] and jim took it upon himself to stand by this uh this cage shouting i am the cockroach but i mean we i think we're really fond of it because that was on at six o'clock on saturday night yeah he won but what a [ __ ] because that's such a perfect nice thing i know shooting stars obviously proves that you can you can make that work to a mass audience but that's it saturday night tv and it's become so kind of boring doesn't that was sort of a bit anarchic and stupid you know there was something about there was something you know he had a lot of pedophiles as it turned out did lots of gotchas on them i would say you know maybe you should have got them for some the actual crimes they committed but and you never killed anyone right when you did families at war never killed me i've never killed anyone on screen i'm not picked up people disappointed people were disapproving they never not like our hero noel edmonds would you ever get a killer on i would be sadly fascinated on to this yeah yeah i mean if they'd served their time or if they hadn't actually no that's right if they hadn't yet been caught i might have done it very well oh that's the kind of thing a killer would ask me did you ever get a serial killer who'd never been caught onto your show just that interest whose friend dressed up as peter sutcliffe so um you uh fought les dennis i did yeah in the boxing match yeah and you beat him according to the judges yeah yeah um i beat him i felt i beat him as well um i thought it was a lot fitter a lot quicker a quicker hand used the ring better but i also i also um fought darren day did you yeah because darren this was something called celebrity boxing that i did and darren day put he said he'd do it but he said i just want to warn you that i'm kickboxing champion like ninja type so yeah just be a bit careful so they do get the bbc get worried about these things well we've got so i said well i'll fight him you know let's that's the only way we'll find out and i had a fight with him and he was it was he was just like like lemon curd or something it was just i'd hesitate to say a lady but anyway but also we had a problem we did one with ricky gervais fighting grant bovee yeah and we were training um ricky gervais and uh he said he didn't need to train he was just going to kick his head in so so they were going to stop the fight because they just were you know because there was a lot of concern they pulled in because of concerns about people getting hurt and so on yes quite a dangerous show so we asked with that it came to a point with that with the the trainer that's now turned into a lady frank maloney oh yeah franken is his brother he said well um we're gonna pull it but i said well what if i fight him to see if he is can cope with you know just whether he can cope with it so i had a fight with ricky gervais in a gym above the old kent road and um i did [ __ ] like see i i was smoking and i'm not not fit so i wore a t-shirt but ricky you've taken it he came out topless oh [ __ ] he was big okay well do you remember him for the [ __ ] and he he kicked seven shades out of me no he really did i've got that on film and his face but he won't let us show it though he's funny though but anyway so basically made some underground fight clubs with this weird mixture of sort of slightly cool and really weird celebrities fighting each other got to bring that back that sounds good to get that on yeah we do it on the internet now the bbc can't stop you they just can't touch me can they it all gets a bit creepy though though like it was the government that stopped us yeah you know the houses of parliament they're all this the fight british border after all they did as well the house of parliament that's a good point it is it's a good point um here's a new emergency question based on what we were talking about earlier what do you think lord alan sugar should call his autobiography i came up with uh ass poo full of sugar that's poo that's food oh a spoonful of sugar yeah it's a slow burner he didn't choose it he didn't young he didn't ask you to do we asked the public to come up with a with the title for his autobiography which is lazy at best and stupid at best as well there's nothing that there's there's sugar on your tits excuse me is that sugar on your teeth i wouldn't want you meeting pele if that is sugar on your text sugar tits is quite just good just it's me sugar tits do you like allen sugar well i kind of i is i do have a sort of grudging respect for him but i think he's ludicrous yeah when he like on twitter i can't i've retweet or every time he writes something about tottenham so because he goes on he either goes on twitter and says who knows what the tottenham score is which is a stupid because he's on the internet so we should be able to find out quite easily and b has got like thousands of followers so all he's going to get is the thousand people telling him the stock score then he'll also go on twitter and tell you what's happening if he's watching the tottenham game he will commentate on it for you as if you can't find out the information anywhere else so i like to imagine that i'm providing a survey service where only alan sugar knows what's happening in the tottenham game and i retweet that for people who aren't following alan's sugar so it's quite an esoteric long-running joke uh on twitter uh but uh so he's a talking walnut any and he's got to be given credit well he takes himself very seriously and he's it's and he's a he's a bit of a joke so he's kind of uninteresting i mean like he's not really done anything that's been massively successful to get the hamstrad emailing phone my sister bought one of those i did slowly it was the amstrad he's like he had an amstrad phone that you could email from the phone well it was like it was a it was like sort of about this size so it was a phone but then you could also there's a little screen and a and a keypad i believe i'm describing it correctly but a very small keypad so you could if you didn't if you didn't have a computer and wanted to email people you could email people from your phone it didn't take off because people so you kind of go look actually i won't say this next bit hold on [Laughter] he's still there yeah i'm waiting for the email to come through okay just hang on be it it's hard to type on this tiny keyboard it'll take me a little while to do it okay well that's good that was a good title i'll send it in he's chosen unscripted as his title which i think is a bad title um if you had to choose between dating a six foot a man who was a six foot tall penis yes so it was just it was just a basically a penis with a face on it or a man who instead of the face on the bell end or just on the shaft i think it's on the bell end it's something that the bell ends not his hairstyle but the tick sort of could be it could be his face is there i imagine his face is on the uh the non uh banjo string side right on the bottom could be like the manchester string well the banjo street could be like a little pigtail uh and his face is there it's about nice just a massive penis okay or a normal man except instead of a penis he has a tiny man yeah just a tiny man who's in place of his penis who's a separate entity forgive me for asking but can you tell me anything about the personality of the little man i'm just saying is he like grumpy or i think he would be a bit grumpy because he's you know constantly in another man's pants slightly rolled up and if he is that would be his fire wouldn't it in another man's pants another yeah and he's presumably like when the man's wearing trousers he's just sort of crunched up inside the trousers and even when he's hanging free i'm presuming he's hanging upside down yeah when the man's just walking around with nothing on so i think the time man's pretty pissed off yeah but um you know but but probably would be delighted about the cup it would be like going out with two people because you'd have the man and the tiny man i'm gonna choose that yeah um very much so because you couldn't go out and about with the penis character could you really that's very judgmental of you well no it would just seem like a promotional thing like you would selling penis friends i don't know good well that's good to know um i'm gonna say it's a long time since i've done the emergency question so i'm just trying to look at uh i'll do it i'll do a traditional does that mean i've done bad if you've got onto emergencies it doesn't i just people will be upset if we if i don't ask what would it take for you to fellate the actor keith allen keep the [ __ ] off have you had dealings with him yeah well let's just leave it at that do you know what i mean though honestly oh but ladies and gentlemen boys and girls honestly really he's one of these this these odd people in a social situation gets his [ __ ] out and i for me that there's nothing that no as keith allen put his in your drink obviously thirsty man have you ever seen a ghost no i've never seen a ghost i think i i i was in the presence of an old fat mate once who was it was dead right yeah still fat standing above me but i'll say goat isn't it [Laughter] i don't remember it very very well and it'll he's called fat harry right fat harry harry man and uh yeah so yes i'm going to change mine halfway through makes me suspicious that you just made that up no honestly okay in middlesbrough it wasn't middlesbrough yeah because there was a ghost in my uh grandparents bedroom when my but i think it was just my brother we when we there was like a little um so it's called a zed bed or something the little stowaway bed that i used that he used to sleep on when i slept in the other bed we were in there and i think it had a little thing that you could twirl around but he always said there was a ghost so it might have been a real ghost so this is just a velcro strap or something it was like a little uh metal thing that you could turn around middlesbrough it's full of dead people and very miserable dead people who lived and then died people selling zed beds now there'll be a little strap on it and says god this guy's got the middlesbrough ghost of course [Laughter] it could be i won't ask you lousander's questions um uh let me have a look at my questions see that's what emergency questions are to stop me doing this are you ever mistaken for bob mortimer the christian evangelist who lives in geek harbour washington who's a triple amputee and motivational speaker i can only be honest [Laughter] he's still got one limb i'm not sure which one i don't know i can't remember which one it is if he's evangelical it's probably the um was a drug addict and he was in are you ever mistaken for bob mortimer the english footballer from 1908 to 1965 who was york city's top scorer in the 1938-9 season no no no uh i occasionally i've genuinely been mistaken for the actor kevin spacey really yeah i've had conversations with i've had an autograph returned because i'm not him and i've sat in the um in the waiting room at um waterloo east with someone um thanking me for all my good work at the old vic right and you thought you meant the old vic though that could have happened couldn't it you're still with vic no it wouldn't i don't go to the theater [ __ ] it no i look [ __ ] it i went to see i went to see a player once at the old vic i didn't get i don't know i don't know what it's about yeah well like experience but if you see a good play it's good but there's a lot of really bad ones i did one last year and it apparently wasn't any good but who said it wasn't really good well the the public were there with their refusal to come and watch it otherwise they didn't know they didn't come and see it exactly yeah it might have been good and they just didn't know about it what was it called i killed rasputin was it good oh that was all right yeah it was all right it's not really a big sell richard all right well it's not never going to happen again i was quite pleased with it but you know i only lost 45 000 pounds putting on it's not a big deal so um could have bought a house in middlesbrough all right yes yes so i'd rather have done the play what were you thinking of which i see you're 45 grand i'll do that i love put that towards that project yeah nothing cautioned you no i thought it well it was it didn't lose all that you know i put more than 45 i thought um more i thought more people would come because i thought that it was edinburgh i thought i could sort of 100 people a day would definitely come so that that was one thing and then i was doing a stand-up show at the same time and i thought that usually makes money now so that'll make some money but i didn't make any money either so uh yeah let's not bring it i'm gonna cry i'm gonna cry but it's alright i've been on tour the tour did all right it's fine yeah uh so there's a website called dirty brickcom are you aware of this i know nothing of it no where comedy fans yeah give their sexual fantasies about comedians there's for real richard this is for real this is there's quite a lot for you they're mainly about having threesomes with you and vic uh this is the most interesting one and see whether you'll be interested in this i mean it's hard to do because it's a past position yourself i want to take the big night out era vic and bob chain them together by their nipples put them in a room and watch [Laughter] it's a short chain it's a short chain yeah that's chaining your nipples together so you're quite you'd be quite face to face with vic well it doesn't by the way it doesn't do it for me well i don't know if that would put him off i don't know if i don't know if you would have to be in it or just the two of you standing there going this is a bit weird yeah i'm not really enjoying this one i don't know if they would be there furiously masturbating or whether you would have to be like going [Music] i like being chained by the nipples to you and it's kind of an odd thing it's not doing it for me no it's not done for me if someone had said i i would like i'm more than willing to if anyone would like me to run on the shoreline in a massive pair of underpants shouting gandhi got a bit of poetry there now did that come up that that isn't there yet but it might it might be there i think they might have opposed uh closed it to entries for the moment but do go and put that up and then you might that might come true um well shooting stars of course i wanted to ask you about uh will self on shooting stars because will self has been saying that you he was really funny on shooting stars and you would always cut out all of his jokes in the edit is that i i wouldn't think it was true my feeling is i know do you edit the shirt do you edit those shows or do you just do them and walk away well we used to do about um we sometimes brought them in like about 34 minutes which is tight it's really cool but we use it you still like between about 40 and 50 minutes right there's not a great deal taken out of it but um i don't remember will i don't is that what he said there yeah he was saying recently he was annoyed that you he was very he said he was very funny on it but you took out all of his he seemed to not enjoy being the team captain as so much well it seemed fun at the time that's a shame it didn't seem i i'm not i'm not aware of that okay i know did you still see will settle for him no no but i never did i'm not it's frightening well well he's bright as a button you know and massive and uh i thought my memories of him i'm sure he was probably edited the same way that mark lamar was yeah i don't know it's all it was always an interesting um mix of again it's just a really clever mix of different types of people so it's kind of the idea of having will self show in itself is a is a masterpiece idea isn't it yeah because it's not he's not the kind of person you'd expect i mean it's not terribly for for thought through we i mean when we we did that we we used to when we did the the um big night out as a pub thing the the second half of it was quiz which called the big the big quiz and we had um all these like questions left over we'd never done never used the big quiz on telly and uh which i think why did i start what is it oh sorry so like so we did the sh we did the show we we did a night on bbc where they said will you do the whole new year's eve or christmas eve or something yeah and we didn't have anything particularly to do so we said well we'll do a quiz and it just the very day we said that we did a show called the word and martin lamar said i'm getting sacked from this tomorrow and we said well we're doing a quiz like next week it was kind of and it was the same with the with el rica she did quite something that's quite popular on youtube where she just she started laughing the red off during the weather yeah she got the giggles and that like happened that week yes and we thought well she seems fun and we got in you know there was no there wasn't any science behind that i can't remember why we chose will can't remember i suppose it seems like i can if you've got martin lumar and martin lawrence not there he seems like a kind of martial like that's probably the process we went through he was like mark yeah yeah and mark wasn't it because he was doing buzz cox that was the reason i can't i can't remember why mark packed in do you know mark a little bit but only from years ago again yeah i mean that's mark in it yeah you know he wouldn't like yeah i can i can't remember it but i imagine one week he said he's not that's it i'm not doing it anymore so which is a shame it said but it was again it's an amazing show and i think it's i was looking at a clip with uh frank boff where frank goff you've called him crap bo double f on his yeah and then he really gets upset about it he doesn't get that it's a joke i think do you think do you remember this [ __ ] i don't remember it basically he's going well you know you boys are very clever and i thought this show would be good but uh i should tell you my name is spell b-o-u-g-h not uh you've missed about my name you're getting you're gonna know it's bosses i remember we had a difficult show chris rio was on right and uh why is it funny because chris christie was on and and enrique was the um the team captain and chris ria just sat like that saying nothing right for the for the whole show and um when we finished i said because i knew chris were a bit with the people said and we had no idea that he'd returned from some tour or something and ulrika had spread the rumor that got into the papers that he got aids because they lived in they lived in the same village and he had no idea that you know chris being that he's not a telly that he had no idea that this little record woman was on this show why did she say had age it turned out he had pancreatic cancer and i don't know how well you know that disease that particular cancer ladies and gentlemen but it does lead to terrible weight loss because the only way you can um process stuff is by super exercise right super exercise with fire pony ah i mean it was the best thing for us with shoestrings was meeting these people because the the guests were just a wish list it was a oh i'd love to meet him and do that did everyone go along because i mean again it's these surreal endings where bears are being sent down zip wires into people's faces or what you know they all do they all go they know what was going to happen and they will go along with it no we never told you we never told them what the end game would be because they wouldn't lots of them wouldn't have done it but like there was no way we had richard lee grant on the there was no way he would have done a punishment but you know from telly if you come to crunch i know we tell enriquez i choose richard yeah choose richard igran so i'm going to choose richard and his face was like you [ __ ] but in front of an audience you can't say no so you've got them so there was quite a few reluctant um players yeah but i mean it didn't i don't think it ever felt like it always felt like an inclusive thing it didn't feel like a but you know you could do something like that and some tv shows do things like that and you feel they're these are people being bullied or people made to look stupid to me always felt like it was an inclusive thing yeah i don't know people say oh yeah people would come back and have to do it again and things but it's like it's weird what telly does to you in that sense because there was a dancer of strictly come dancing right and me and jim it's just being little kids but we didn't like him he's maybe called brendan or yeah it's australian i think or something there is one called brendan's son and we just stupidly took that like we didn't think he didn't like him and we had a we we had a game where you what we do it a lot in what we do you pick up something like a steel bar and it's real yeah but you drop it and pick up the one next to it which isn't and we were dropping whole edam cheeses on him and uh we had the false ones and for some reason i'm not a [ __ ] focus [ __ ] this brandon man from that [ __ ] dancing show and and edam has got a bit of heft to it you know um because he's [ __ ] brendan from that he like he took him yeah which was almost sweeter and we laid we laid a massive turkey on someone that had gone completely rank i can't remember who that was but but no people sorry people were fine yeah yeah terribly speaking when you decided to take vengeance there was just that cheese basement [ __ ] brendan he might not be called brandon [Laughter] brendan cole it turned out he's really nice as well i've got to ask i've got i've got a cash new thing called cash for questions where someone's giving me some cash to ask you a question says nick gage has paid 60 [Laughter] to pounds you he's paid for for uh about i'm trying to work out what it is about uh why are you running there he's about a quarter of george's uh wages for george george the the sound guy who can't turn the sound on properly so we might we might discount that from his it's just because we wanted to film it this time and we couldn't afford to film it so we played so with so many people pay for things you know it's changed the whole tone well i was burgled last week a week before and on on the net have you seen these wireless cameras you can get yeah that connect to your phone yeah and i don't want to put him out of a job or whatever but it's hd quality yeah and you could just put it there like that yeah and i i don't think you'd notice the difference i don't think so what they do now for an id parade is because the the wife came downstairs and the burglar was in the living room and he ran away and she said i know what he looks like and like in my days when i said listen it was just you get 10 people you got me the same color but you get just 10 blokes can you pick them out but now they go to like this video suite where um you get so there was eight i think it was and they have to be the same age same hairstyle right and so on and it's impossible absolutely important my wife was so frustrated because he's burgled us so many times because our security is [ __ ] and uh but do you know the thing which when you like people look so different on video yeah absolutely you know why because i've only seen cash on video yeah on telly yeah very different in the real life pat cash he didn't pack gash fur for you so he's saying pat cash was the burglar as well but it just seems the strangest system we're going to show you him but he won't look like him because he's on video yeah yeah anyway i'm not i'm not wanting to like crush down on civil liberties or anything like that no good anyway this is the question nick gage has asked this question it's quite a hard question to answer so don't feel you have to it's not i mean it's not in it he wants 60 quids with the fancy he does as a former small welsh child he this is him and i usually have welsh children writing my questions for me the welsh for microwave is poppy ping can you think of any more kitchen appliances that would have an amusing translation it's quite a hard question that is a question currently yeah it would be my dishwasher which i call the [ __ ] apparently you can turn that beep off if you if you're clever but it's got a stop on it yeah we'll go any further turn the beep off yeah it's just watching you saying yeah or whatever i was i do have a dishwasher based uh emergency question it's a new one oh no yeah so that works out quite well it's like we almost scripted this i the other day my mother-in-law put an uh quite sharp knife up point upwards in the dishwasher and i never do that i don't put them in the dishwasher yeah but i kind of caught nearly i nearly killed myself or you know they just cut my wrists on that do you have any feelings about cutlery in our cutlery should be placed well i do i do richard yeah um do you know on the top the top drawer yeah there's the little flaps at the side yeah i lay them how do you blade towards the bottom that's just the sharp knives or all knives just the the sharp fellas with your regular cutlery that isn't so sharp yeah do you put the knives all in the same compartment or the spoons or ones no i'm willy-nilly mixing it together but i put the the metal end up yeah because otherwise you get when you take them out you've got your hand planned prints all over the the pointy end exactly yeah yeah that's good that is the correct answer there is uh you can buy so well i've written a whole i've written a newspaper article about this question it's one of the most controversial newspaper columns i wrote so i thought we'd bring it into the a lot of people got involved you can now buy a special tray that you can put into the top that is sideways on and you can put all your cutlery in sideways and put that in the top would you be interested in having one of those i wouldn't be interested in no i think there's other adequate um nooks and crannies for all your needs because i think the problem with that is it takes up a lot of space do you believe in calgon do you really think something's [ __ ] about with your washing machine the couch that calzone is going to get on top of i've never had an issue i've never had an issue with limestone in my in my dishwasher i don't think they just go on and on the dremel break or the belt yeah but i've never had someone come around and say you've got that central mid failure due to some buildup that calgon would have sorted if he hadn't been i think i always think when i say that the cost of buying the calvins over the lifetime of the machine would add up to more than the cost of a new machine by the time you get to it i always think that is that you know unless you care about the earth and don't want to use up too many washing machines but your [ __ ] but so what break it calgon yeah if it's so [ __ ] powerful in it right do you really want to be um spewing calgon out into the app into the world that's true and in your clothes and you didn't imagine if you did if calgon penetrated every bit of machinery and equipment it would all work perfectly forever and then everyone would everything would go bust wouldn't it you know like the white soap thing the peter sellers film yeah it could i maybe got into the water basin to the land all all lime would be destroyed [Music] a world without lying like that there you know there'll be no chalk or anything all of that stuff will get all the same isn't it lime scale well lime is you're looking at plaster in that whole industry the mendips yeah the body disposal [ __ ] cow junk when i first moved to cheddar uh there was there was a shed at the back of the of their garden which is where the sort of the thrilling three used to meet up for people who remember that reference uh but there was a big thing of line there that i became like a big tray of lime underneath the workbench i became quite obsessed with and i dug i dug it all out looking to see what's been in there and there was a lace ladies glove in there which you know i didn't know at the time that lime could be used to dispose of bodies but finding like a lace lady's glove inside some lime does suggest that that was the murder scene somewhere never mentioned it until now probably should have bought it have you had the uh have you ever thought about body disposal just like i said just having a laugh thinking about how you get rid of the wife you know yeah i do think about things like this a lot uh i don't know how you know i think you can probably chop them up and put them in the bins you just you love it in should i take the big pump and put it in one and i hope that just gets in the back or should i do it like bit by bit yeah it's going to take three or four different weeks i'm gonna have most of the dead body yeah of my wife say in the house that wouldn't be your wife but yeah yeah i need to be more just saying i like my wife but i think you know you could probably get if you put like a hand in there in amongst your regular rubbish i mean if it was your wife i don't know what no but if it was your wife if you were to not have a frenzied attack yeah they'd immediately think it was a stranger attack yeah so as long as you were up to doing one of those appeals you know please come home everybody miss you i think don't you think they only do those appeals if they think the person did it you get that feeling they do i think they make you do so if you if you're ever in that situation and i hope you're not bob yeah and i really only i may hope you know no one closely dies more so i hope you become a suspect in the crime thank you richard thank you but if you are and they say will you do an appeal just say no i won't do it because that is them watching you like a hawk and watching it it's the greatest hindsight tv you can get in it yeah when you when you subsequently find out they did it and they show it and it's so obvious that there's no tears it would be hard it would be hard i think even if you're a brilliant actor that would be a hard role to go right i've got to play the part of someone who didn't kill this person and also you know look and then look upset yeah and i'm not upset i'm glad i'm killed i'm glad they're dead yeah if you had to commit a terrorist atrocity yes have you got any ideas for that because i've planned terrorist atrocities a lot well i certainly wouldn't uh attack the capital i've always thought that's a weakness with all the security i mean yeah i'd probably do somewhere like a bradford or rotherham or manchester united because the security's so much less and i would go i would use a sporting event or a shopping center no every time i would and i'd probably i think it's i think terrorists don't use it it's something i remember vividly from the coverage of vietnam when i was young do you know the napalm the petroleum jelly yeah stuff i'm sorry i'm just saying it's hypothetically because that's quite hard it's quite a tricky substance too do you have a shop called smithy's where you live no well there's a joke shop yeah and they sell these guns or the super squirters do you think napalm would be all right wouldn't napalm melt the super squirts today no no no absolutely not no more than petrol would do okay no see what the petrol mountains you've done quite a lot of research if you were to put polystyrene pellets in it as well of course it would stick to people right more but it's just you know it's pretty easy to i think you know i don't want to i don't want to have a go at the terrorists but it's pretty easy to kill quite a lot of people quite easily and most terrorist atrocities i mean 911 i'll give them that that was a good one they got a lot of people i mean from that from there i'm not approved i'm disapproving what they did was wrong but if you if you are coming from the point of view of i'm a terrorist i want to kill as many people as possible that was that was a good day for the terrorists but all the others have been you know you could do work worse with a you know pointed stick can you no honestly says something like spending more in county durham right on the dog track of a wednesday or something they've got one turn style yeah you could take everyone out it's probably 200 250 spending more residence it would [ __ ] a spending would be [ __ ] it would lose a whole generation and think of the odorless crayons as well wandering the streets not even out of the traps still if you know that if you laugh about it that's the best way you've got to laugh and also i hope you know that i give a lot of tips to terrorists in this but i'm hoping that also that the security services are listening and thinking you know we better watch out for buys a lot of super soakers and polystyrene pellets we'll keep an eye on him so you know we're giving it's a level playing field at the moment it's mainly terrorists listening in i get i think like on a plane i think i said this on the last on this the bonus one take some barakas but they're made of like whatever that stuff is that they put in the oasis drink and put that and just then get add water to that and then you've got your explosives then back blow out them with a barack well you know they you're not allowed to take oasis on the plane the not the band the drink right because they you can make you can mix it not actually since it's like they put like chemicals in the reason you can't take more than you know 100 milliliters on because they have that plan they're going to take oasis bottles with colored liquid in them and then you put the colored liquid together it creates a bomb big enough to blow a bit out of a plane right but surely you could just make that oasis chemical into a barracker that looks like a barracker put a few of those in a barracker so you could take on loads and then they've got water on the plane you just put the water into the yeah and i don't know if you've ever handled um was it semtex no yeah if you've never handled it i [ __ ] challenge you to distinguish it from the exterior of a fig roll blow a hole in it or like bait because i've got a baby now you just have a baby bottle full of the oasis stuff and the bit they make you drink it yeah but just make the just have a little secret compartment on the top with milk in it that you drink and then the rest is the bottom bang blower so i'm just trying to help the terrorists out you know they i feel sorry they haven't done so well recently so you know good luck good luck to them you're on you're going to go on tour yeah in the autumn yeah everyone's doing going on tour now this autumn everyone's going i did well uh there was 120 comedians on tour so you know it edges the little guy like me out uh so you but how many dates are you doing what we're doing at 20 yards or something in november and then we're doing some more the following year in the uh in the february cool um if we can make it if we can still do it yeah it's been a long time 20 years since we've um been on the stage did you did you two much back in the in the 90s yeah we used to do every every couple of years um uh really you'll enjoy it it's all right you know it's fun touring but it's yeah it's not as fun as it was we see we were never too rock and roll on our tours we used to take guns and everything you know i promise you we should suck a gun and uh yeah what did you do with the gun just you think we used to go somewhere where no one could see us say we've got a gun and film each other with it are you gonna have a big tour bus or you're gonna just be no we're just um uh jim's got he's going in a um caravel volkswagen caravel okay and he's just sleeping at the gigs it's his intention and i like to go holiday inn do i like holiday inn but they even is you know that's a good level yeah you know what you're getting i think premiere in holiday and is about the right level i wouldn't go down to a travelodge no you really shouldn't but i've told this story on this before but the last time i was in a travel lodge and i'd never stayed in travel lodge again there was a someone else's bogey on my shower curtain when i went and then you know i couldn't be bothered to complain about it but then just when i had a shower i had to kind of push the yeah and then i was sitting down in the bar thinking there's a bogey in my someone else's bogey in my room yeah i mean i was i were a bad lad in the time and i always used to urinate in me kettle in the in the hotel but um oh that's what i did because i couldn't be bothered to toilet and not that far to the toilet that was it so you were like as you just said essentially as a bedpan is what you're saying yeah you could just hold it in the bed and wearing it yeah then put it by the side usually because i'm reading the book yeah and i just but it was it was the same to the same time bottom maturing yeah and nearly all the rooms that me and vic got were aid and rick were getting right the night after and i i yeah i never apologized that jennifer jennifer saunders approached me about it yeah she was all right about it it's good for you apparently i don't know if you're drinking other people's weight did you ever do just for laughs in canada yeah yeah did you find that was just laughs i didn't like i didn't like it i've been three times i think we didn't we just been studied in the 90s i've been monster on my own and i found it i just i'm terrible in those situations which is why you know i just have to do my own tv shows in a theater being filmed by some men who don't know what they're doing yeah did you did you insure a bomb there aren't no we did all right but i just didn't like the whole atmosphere of it so it's so about uh it's such a trade fair much more than say edinburgh is it's like literally you go back to the hotel and all the agents and all the tv people and they're all trying to sign people up to it and i would never interested they were interested in taking stu you know stu with the second i didn't want to go the second time we went but stu had loads of interest from like american producers and stuff about writing or being on tv in america and i only wanted to be on tv in england yeah and uh and so i really reluctantly went went back it's the only time stu ever really wrote all the scripts because i didn't want to yeah i mean we absolutely bonded yeah i absolutely bummed um we we sang a song called we where jim came on um and said he got a lucky a look he told a lucky charm or something i said well that sounds like that's terrific newsweek that you've got something that brings you luck and he said yeah and he said what is it he said it's a good carpet he had a 30 foot roll of cow and he sang to this canadian order and said this is me lucky carpet i bought it in the market and there were that you could almost film such a [ __ ] carpet that can't be lucky i wouldn't carry that around with you all of that oh we've bombed we walked off and never seen jack day and eddie azad [Music] but also it's so slick there so there's a lot all the standups and all the american standards especially were really just trying to get on the sitcoms so they were actors who had learned a five-minute routine to the point of ever so like they would if you watched them two nights in a row it was exactly the same they would get onto a stool at one point step off a guy who was doing a joke this is the my abiding memory was made a mistake halfway through the joke said oh excuse me and started the joke again right so like and any stand-up would go i'll [ __ ] that up and either try and get out of it or make a joke about it he's like oh excuse me and then you know took two or three steps back so he's in the right place and then just started telling the joke again as if nothing had happened yeah so there were like actors rather no it's really joyless isn't it yeah i mean it was it was a lesson to learn seeing comedy done like [ __ ] like really properly yeah but for me and jim like it no no but it is incredible isn't it the craft of some of those americans yeah but it left us but that's the way you know it's such a weird thing isn't it where like an act in one place and everyone gets it and it's either a local thing or that you know you've it's it is that it is that complicity with the audience the audience have to be on side with you and so you can be the funniest person in one place and then you go somewhere else and then just go this is just a man with the carpet that's not i can't it's not amusing i pass a carpet shop every day and there's a man with lots of carpet well yeah and he doesn't seem that lucky he's not closing down sale i mean harry and harry and paul bombed that yeah as well and that was our odd one um because they did smashy and nicely which was a well-honed thing yeah and there was a like a canadian american audience just watching it saying they're just two djs yeah absolutely you know yeah they were doing it for charity yeah what's the joke no it was that was it it was it's weird yeah yeah it's hot i i hate it out there but i'll give you another go if i can be the funny butler in some sitcom in america that's all that's all that's all i want now um well i think we might have to stop in a sec because you know we've got to do another one it's been really nice though uh but uh we don't have to we don't i'll uh i might ask you one more um i enjoyed talking about the washing mach the dishwasher yeah um and the terrorism best yeah they were they were some of my high points it all goes out that's the thing with this there's no nothing gets headed out unless you feel embarrassed by anything you've said that was the tidious uh just on about avalon for 15 minutes but uh they uh of you car grudge no i know it was a very in joke for five people in this room probably yeah but uh have you got a groceries no no i'm with i'm with i'm still with with them really yeah let's not do this again you're with avalon man and boy i'm a very loyal person uh you happy with my mom are you happy with that well i think i'm as happy as i would be anywhere else my agent's ten percent yeah how does that make you feel wow i don't i'd take ten percent of you glow for 15 you run your own production company but do they treat you differently yeah everyone else yeah um i've i've not gotten that much of a problem they've been good to me i think and uh they let me do this we're probably going to cut this out again so i wish i'd never brought it up we'll talk about it backstage uh so uh i mean i don't mind you saying you're a terrorist you're with the avalon but it really beggars belief if you had to choose between having uh a tic the dispensed talcum powder a tit a tit yes or a finger that could travel through time finger chops for a time yeah which would you choose out of those two things hit the dispensers yeah talcum powder you're like much talcum powder as you want infinite supply of talcum powder oh infinite [Laughter] or a finger they can trap but only your finger can travel through time but it can go anywhere you want it and does it return yeah well you're still controlling it it's there but it's just like there it's gone through the vortex and i touched things in the future yeah the picture of the past did you change the past i'd like to touch the past and into the future when finally we get [ __ ] jet packs they'll be able to touch one of them you can turn someone's jet pack on [Laughter] right i think we better go but ladies and gentlemen will you please give a mass round of applause to bob mortimer thank you everyone [Music] run how'd you like them sky potatoes hello thank you for watching and thanks everyone who contributed to the kickstarter who include jonathan chidick who says hello heaven 17 isn't it time you did how men are live from john in helsinki i don't understand you

Channel: Richard Herring

Views: 69,110

Rating: 4.890223 out of 5

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Id: xxoCAoBD63s

Length: 83min 10sec (4990 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 01 2021