Billy Connolly-Stand Up.avi

so figure sure hi it's good to be here in the Brooklyn Academy of Music I think I was in the I was in Brooklyn today and I nearly [ __ ] my [ __ ] trousers this is this is dangerous people shouldn't [ __ ] about here I owe a Scottish person I can't I can wait to get to Scott and you fight me shitless look I'll tell you one thing I do like about New York though you you like you appreciate violence as soon as we do you know you have a cutter and you swear properly we just fan grid in the gap back up there was a light on a bicycle and behind mr. [ __ ] a blind guy on up it buys that could cut [ __ ] walnuts and he's on a [ __ ] bike he's arguing with the truck you're not supposed to do that yeah [ __ ] oh [ __ ] the mind could have made pancakes for that yeah I was so impressed serious failure that's just the best place but you know they could they could make they could make it even better you see Los Angeles does this Hollywood Boulevard thing which is a car and I think it'll stars on the pavement and every fourth one you never have the defecting guy Harry McPherson New York should do is they should do it definitely should've thought of stars in the street a big splat marks for people have jumped off the [ __ ] building and put the names in it of what guys have been short you know when you get shot they put sticky tape around your body have nice shape on the street Joe bananas are [ __ ] great unhand wrestles floor that's what you should do don't whip those bastards to show you the way I came here in Concord today and I arrived before I [ __ ] laughed it's weird conquer don't do it I know I don't like the whole concept any with a fly and in airplanes it's the something basically wrong with it we don't [ __ ] belong up there we don't I agree with John Lee Hooker he said if God wanted us to fly it by the ticket I don't lay kid and they lie to you all the time all that [ __ ] about in the highly unlikely event and the talk to leave like a mentally ill this is your safety man already tells you on the [ __ ] thing left over see click men men and women multiple things endure don't burn the last thing on the agenda tell me the best one before putting oxygen mask on face extinguish your cigarette in smoke rings coming again he is of course she would I don't lay that [ __ ] behavior at all because they're lying to us the basically just looking lying all I stops a lie a sudden loss of pressure oxygen things will fall down as if by magic and you can read and it's old jolly and you [ __ ] you safety belt you'll be very safe with your Stace [ __ ] seat belt on Lou wait when we ever listening to the news on television and it said today a jumbo jet smacked into your [ __ ] Mountain and Peru luckily all the passengers were wearing seatbelts sitting over your [ __ ] life jacket on headin upside-down for the [ __ ] Atlantic Ocean I'm alright because if they were to tell you the truth they would have to say ladies and gentlemen in the highly unlikely event of loss of power on all four engines then in all probability will go into the ground like a [ __ ] dart you won't be screaming you'll be trying to get the seat in front of you how to get mode is that a truth we would be obliged if you wear your life jacket on the window this will do you no good at all but when archaeologists find you in 200 years they'll think there was a river here there's one if I get late jacket drill oh you put your jacket on over you and this is your head the [ __ ] pass the tapes twice around your body and tie in a double ball at the same place in a plane some say down and on fire [ __ ] small can Ubuntu towards the ocean as people learn how to do a double ball people rivers Barenaked go yeah this year out I was here last year I was doing comic relief the British one and they were to go to Mozambique I had to go other guys went other places you know Lenny Henry went just to dine or some [ __ ] place other guys went to other I started disturbing we went to our and Mozambique and a flew from London Airport Air France - maputo right I was desperate for something he asked me where I was going huh no [ __ ] idea this wings I just want to be exotic for a while you know a poodle Air France wish denim a photo it was fine did the bed all the awful stuff horrible film you know horrible things happen extremely nice people just you same awful story we're good tuna today noise I'm not him a bit then the following day but to go to a place called chili which is a way in the far north a refugee camp 100,000 people living in dire straits which is what film them no I don't like those little buddy holy aeroplanes I late dinner planes the goal the guitar licks and cups of tea another biscuit mr. Conley that's flying I don't like [ __ ] that and awake to pilots this one dies people die all the time is just that you know around you know fools funny how that eg things you know people are flopping all over the place you see funerals you don't know the guy if a [ __ ] pilot he and he never tells you well it's only one I never says look I made a here if I do this makes it go left to make and down and these quick ones make it go where where right never be really use because you may be able to stay on until it [ __ ] runner-up edge or maybe you can bring it down or eBay and you know be named instead of [ __ ] dad but they know like the selfish bastard it's about to die with a diagram to go kitty at all well we're going to just kick them out the book we're going to to the airport to go gingili to this terrible place lovely people but in the back of a truck feeling very exotic you know pictures of people thinking I hear durian wall even then they have and that's a big hair qe0 playing huge big bugger and also headphones I've been in one of the other party hall throwing behind that does this we [ __ ] red elephant you could smell the glue die in under wing if obviously assembled it for my kid to that Marlon I wish [ __ ] Whoville rate or sitting in it but all sweat and waiting for the pilot we're not framed it's really hard so here's where for some reason all the heat goes to your crotch and a nettle and your window sir syphilis puggle it's true you're stuck what trying to be nice to one another and this guy and I this thing is a tisha you know and khaki shorts big shorts and flip-flops sandals gustan [ __ ] things hi I'm reg I'm the pilot I said [ __ ] off [ __ ] the man took umbrage this is why I said go and get men's clothes on right now ladies German tames me change but standards must remain your pilot should have long prozis straight [ __ ] long trousers that blue maybe black but long turns up wake up with half sleeves a packet of cigs shooing through one of airplanes Healy arms and a mustache a pilot you lookin man right to family called Nigel Carruthers Ashima Dix even angel comes on when you're in the airplane sitting there you just go on you're buckled up your safety bill hello this is your captain speaking Nigel puranas think Paul Parker people have a sleepers Nigel is that tarin faroush idea Nigel king of the sky there's an interesting cloud formation let's go over and have a look Nigel's clean nice Nigel never asleep at the wheel smoking dope scratched his boss none of that Nigel folks have never been itchy in his entire life he's never done the necessity to go of that Nigel never scratches his buttocks Nigel is upper class and the upper class don't get itchy assets only the working class can empty houses as next wrongly you never see the Queen goal never even if she was at tissue wouldn't let you know as you go go away it change [ __ ] off I would be terrified just one of those things I hate it then when I say itchy ass I don't mean ass I mean the one is so far off you can get it that way you don't already even when you get a finger get all you dudes ramen your leave I sock your ass [ __ ] trying to get it so you defend you undo it and you're not happens at home you never alas this humbles merely follow the home being sort of our fish another desert from a busy street a pedestrian precinct other is no firm in do anything but run your hand masturbation is a good idea I've always been a big fan of master I was a bit name I think name of 10 each around there when I first did it it was one there was a guy in my class of school in other words it was probably in your class to a sort of international [ __ ] way big high forehead here in the palms of his hands those guys who were tattooed when the buffet pubic here before everybody else he summer saved me as corona should have you're gonna hear what the continent the collar winding wine king popping of wine call it jerking off here okay it's very violent supposed to be came to yourself you don't go [ __ ] Oh it's no good for you like I said if you've done it yet I served for wanking that's it what's the huh oh you must look so heaven it is brilliant you get your willy in between your finger and your thumb I was only nine but Cox here's quick advice he said that you jiggle up and down with this person fine because brilliant the West building over there as brilliant when you finish when we stop eventually I can brilliant rush it okay because a thing happens he says at the very end you see some completely Japanese that'll do me so when school was over we went behind the basic replace and we did it together pounding away there and he was right it was absolutely brilliant I must say boys went oh oh yeah and what it was all over he said no you must remember you only get a hundred of these for your whole life you've had one so you've only get 99 left is it keep a notebook and keep score you must remember because if you over 100 you [ __ ] drop dead with your willy in your hand your mother gets deeply embarrassed because you can't get the lid on the freaking coffin everybody knows what you've been doing neighborhood also we can see the right there and if rain delay further me and do you know I don't think I've ever been so frightened as the hundred first time it's the most blatant I've ever been that was the following afternoon I really do understand but in my home my body is going to be desperate trouble on the life I even tried like vomiting has given me terrible problems no I'm vomit it's awful nope I've known men who can vomit casually have you ever seen those guys drink a lot of beer you see him along the street and the Saint list Sean Kelly undeterred the France said you looked and pain the time child is it always okay after I vomited what now I can do that when I'm going to vomit I think I'm gonna die any time I drank I ended up in the bathroom kneeling on the floor hanging on the toilet but it doesn't just go father but the opponent doesn't go away for meds it would be good if it did and in fact when Bart you know instead of going far why shouldn't be such an awful smell that's another design for member stefarr we should have a chimney something too yes understand myself don't pretend not so you hear the die and you can see people walking at a cocktail parties the northern going to fire sort of tiny walk with last floor but usually it caught because instead of going and then blame it on something course and even if it was just her rental he'd be okay but there's all sorts of varieties the worst of all the killer-diller is that's the silent killer I was in a plane went astray earlier once and we stopped to Singapore and a man go on and sat beside me I will never forget this as long as I live he sat I was the aisle and he there was a first class there was only two seats he sat there and he knew me probably it seen me someplace before Billy couldn't guess I am how you doing here fanfare he said I'm just in from Hong Kong I said oh really is it up just flan Cathay Pacific have you ever flown by then before no I haven't often intended to that [ __ ] brilliant really absolutely fast flat I said that's nice the food was fun really yes what did you have is it on the plate it told me barbecued goose with soya sauce ginger and spring onions it said it was [ __ ] brilliant I'm glad to hear it whereupon he went to sleep and he curled up in a ball like a squirrel and we took our woof into the night through the clothes huddled up into the sky who should we settle down and we're trundling along and this man father I will never forget it as long as I live not only was the worst part it was the longest maybe it was the position he was in he squeezed as a solo but he was kind of leaning over and his ass was pointing up towards me and and it made the strangest noise it was like cloth tearing did you ever see a movie with Errol Flynn well he was a pirate and he had a knife in his teeth and he dived from one the mast of a ship big sailing ship he died for this off real McCoy it wasn't one for diversity but he took a lunge at this other billowing seal and he just stuck his knife in him to stop himself and it's a slid down the seal with an eighth go back noise is the exact noise his spot made it was that kind of talk tubed noise it was economy and any changed position finish for the flourish the violin what's good on people were looking by and of course I couldn't see Hemmings all code here was blowing up with and these [ __ ] always popular molestia and then the smell came at first I couldn't believe it I thought [ __ ] the pens and fire my foot Baumann the pain was all changing car polemic tracing don't inhale you'll get cancer but you don't see our own doing [ __ ] stuff I know that the faster they know something that we don't thus find those people know things no laughs that's a [ __ ] laugh remember who [ __ ] told you this thank holes in this guy and we can always tell by and it's all heating up as a greenhouse effect and they're pregnant not to mention that and rain for gonna go [ __ ] at the drain [ __ ] big hole in the sky rate all of a sudden in the middle of all this Poland who had defended it [ __ ] frontiers of missiles [ __ ] bristling with armament guns [ __ ] steel helmets Duke [ __ ] near me the same four guys demonstrate four [ __ ] anoraks and they say okay the country's yours come Guinea people and t-shirts and [ __ ] Levi's [ __ ] ginge okay you got it jib let's do India we [ __ ] heaven Czechoslovakia [ __ ] here you go he's gentlemen here have a hit husband I'm not the [ __ ] bald they know something knows don't let those two [ __ ] Germany's get together they bastards or you will get used to this [ __ ] noise followed by this noise a bunch of bastards don't practice in justnow cut ball time suddenly remembers where he was doing a 1942 it's all coming for the gear I learned the banjo the silver something looking wrong over there or something something in the god instincts undies vomited in the petunias I don't like that thing I was telling you of a moment vomiting should be easy what you should be cycling or work should be jogging ago huh it should be that casual he'll come and I don't know many of you are like this when I drink you have to go to bathroom hang on the toilet and all the sick doors were and it's easy at first why Allah and there's an American expression forever sell in a Buick isn't done for you my love you bye love you and then Britain's cold shooting for you and these ones just come out you don't want them to sets this in voluntee nice and it comes over your nose and that's always diced carrots in it I have never to my knowledge eaten diced carrots in my [ __ ] life and I'm not very big on tomato skins either I can't remember ever going to restaurant and soon I'll have a plan of dazed carrot and Tamar just admit a mistake down the [ __ ] are chilly out there isn't and they come charging then fire get here Zoe and I are the NZ you hear your head explode claw and then this awful thing happens all of the sick comes out and goes away it's all out but your body won't recognize that it wants to be sick more that's enjoying itself so it goes Firestar and your tongue tries to escape a convention here and then the most awful thing happens this terrifying shudder comes Oh but the worst is yet to come the veins are all standard when you fall in the Sun time strain of all when you travel doing Oh and as soon as you do give moment in Japan it's been an extraordinary pleasure

Channel: Dalmaoma

Views: 1,031,428

Rating: 4.7164836 out of 5

Keywords: A, Billy, Connolly, Stand, Up

Id: cdefhHw7e6o

Length: 33min 56sec (2036 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 26 2012

Reddit Comments

[u/electric_paganini]

Robin must have modeled his Scottish impression after this guy. It's uncanny.

[u/Queso_Nation]

Probably there to pick up a couple new jokes

[u/elstompy]

Woo this is a harsh slap in the face in regards to how much mobility he's lost (due to his Parkinson's). Not that it's stopped him by any means - I saw him about a year ago and he did 3 hours with no break, standing the entire time! I've seen much younger, fitter guys barely do an hour.

[u/Heyhatehmeh]

Oh cool! It's good actor Robin.

[u/ramblerandgambler]

Too many americans sleep on Billy Connolly because the accent is too thick, but he really is one of the best

[u/iKickdaBass]

Probably just watching to get some new material.