ABOUT THE DEADLY DRONE STRIKE. ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, I WENT THE ENTIRE SUMMER WITHOUT FALLING DOWN THE STAIRS ONCE. IT'S PRETTY DARN GOOD. AND HEY -- BROADWAY'S BACK! THAT'S EXCITING, RIGHT? YEAH. [ APPLAUSE ] >> SO IS THE TALIBAN. WIN SOME, LOSE SOME. UNLIKE OUR LAST PRESIDENT, I TRY TO STAY OUT OF THE LIMELIGHT. LIKE AN OIL CHANGE. YOU DON'T THINK ABOUT ME UNTIL YOU ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO. NOW AMERICA NEEDS ME. DEMOCRATS NEED ME. I HAVE A SOCIAL AGENDA I HAVE TO GET PASSED. SO NOW I'M BRINGING TOGETHER THE DEMOCRATS LIKE VOLTRON. THEY'RE ALL DIFFERENT COLORS, BUT FUNDAMENTALLY THEY'RE ROBOTS. ON ONE SIDE WE HAVE THE MODERATE ON ONE SIDE WE HAVE THE MODERATE DEMOCRATS LIKE KYRSTEN SINEMA FROM ARIZONA. >> WHAT DO I WANT FROM THIS BILL? I'LL NEVER TELL BECAUSE I DIDN'T COME TO CONGRESS TO MAKE FRIENDS. AND SO FAR, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. >> IS IT JUST ME OR DOES SHE LOOK LIKE ALL OF THE CHARACTERS FROM "SCOOBY DOO" AT THE SAME TIME? AND ANOTHER PAIN IN MY KEISTER THE DE FACTO PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, JOE MANCHIN FROM WEST VIRGINIA. >> YEAH, YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT. I'M A DEMOCRAT FROM WEST VIRGINIA. IF I VOTE FOR ELECTRIC CARS, THEY'RE GOING TO KILL ME. >> ON THE OTHER SIDE, WE HAVE TWO MEMBERS OF THE PROGRESSIVE CAUCUS. ILHAN OMAR FROM MINNESOTA. >> THANK YOU, JOE, FOR NOT CALLING MY KAMALA. FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW ME, I WAS DESIGNED IN A LAB TO GIVE TUCKER CARLSON A HEART ATTACK. >> FINALLY, ALEXANDRIA -- I'M NOT GOING TO TRY TO SAY YOUR WHOLE NAME. AOC FROM NUEVA YORK. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ] >> IT'S ME, THE "CRUELLA" OF THE MET GALA. I WORE A DRESS THAT SAID "TAX THE RICH," THEN SPEND THE WHOLE NIGHT PARTYING WITH THE RICH. OOPS. >> NOW LET'S GET INTO THIS AGENDA TOGETHER BECAUSE WE'RE GOING TO REALIZE, HEY, WE'RE ALL ON THE SAME PAGE. WE'RE ALL SAYING THE SAME DAMN THING. >> THAT'S RIGHT. I'M SAYING WE NEED AT LEAST $300 BILLION IN CLEAN ENERGY TAX CREDITS. YEAH. >> I'M SAYING ZERO. >> SEE? SAME PAGE. THERE'S A LOT OF GOOD STUFF IN THIS BILL LIKE 12 WEEKS OF PAID FAMILY LEAVE. >> SIX DAYS. >> SIX WHOLE DAYS OF PAID -- >> UNPAID. >> UNPAID -- SIX WHOLE DAYS -- >> NIGHTS -- >> SIX NIGHTS OF UNPAID -- THAT'S NOT A BAD COMPROMISE, RIGHT? WHAT DO YOU WANT IN RETURN? >> WHAT ABOUT A CHILD TAX CREDIT? GREAT IDEA. I'VE ALWAYS SAID CHILDREN SHOULDN'T PAY TAXES. THAT'S A LOT OF MATH. >> BUT IF WE GIVE CHILDREN TOO MUCH LEEWAY, HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET THEM TO WORK IN THE MINES? OKAY, WE NEED THEIR TINY HANDS TO DIG. ALL THE BIG PIECES OF COAL ARE GONE. WE NEED THE LITTLE KID FINGERS TO GATHER THE LITTLE PIECES. >> OKAY, LET'S GET REAL BASIC. ROADS. EVERYONE OKAY WITH ROADS? >> I LIKE ROADS. >> YEAH, ME, TOO. ROADS ARE WHERE TRUCKS LIVE. >> KYRSTEN? >> I WANT NO ROADS. >> NO ROADS? WHY? >> CHAOS. >> WHAT ABOUT WATER? WE'RE ALLOTING -- LET'S SEE, WE'RE ALLOTING 65 BILLION FOR WATER. WOW, THAT'S A LOT OF WATER. DOES IT COME WITH A MERMAID? >> NO, IT WAS GOOD. >> WHAT DO YOU SAY, JOE, YOU GOOD WITH WATER? >> I DON'T LIKE THE TASTE. >> FINE. LET'S FOCUS ON THE TWO THINGS THAT POLL BEST WITH ALL AMERICANS. LOWERING THE PRICE OF PRESCRIPTION DRUGS -- >> NO. >> AND RAISING TAXES ON BILLIONAIRES. ALL RIGHT THEN. JUST TELL US, KYRSTEN, WHAT DO YOU LIKE? WHAT IS GOOD TO YOU? >> YELLOW STARBURSTS. THE FILM "POLAR EXPRESS." WHEN SOMEONE EATS FISH ON AN AIRPLANE. [ LAUGHTER ] >> CAN'T WE COMPROMISE ON ANYTHING? ISN'T SOMETHING BETTER THAN NOTHING? >> LOOK, AS A WINE-DRINKING, BISEXUAL TRIATHLETE, I KNOW WHAT THE AVERAGE AMERICAN WANTS. THEY WANT TO BE PUT ON HOLD WHEN THEY CALL 9-1-1. THEY WANT BRIDGES THAT JUST STOP AND CARS FALL DOWN. THEY WANT WATER SO THICK YOU CAN EAT IT WITH A FORK. AND I WILL FIGHT FOR THAT NO MATTER WHAT. UNLESS MY FOOT HURTS. THEN I'VE GOT TO GO BACK TO ARIZONA. [ LAUGHTER ] >> ALL RIGHT, FINE. WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT ONE LAST ITEM ON THIS AGENDA. THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE. DREAMS. >> OH, GOD, NOT AGAIN. >> OH, COME ON. DON'T TAKE DREAMS AWAY FROM ME. WE NEED TO REMIND PEOPLE OF THE GRANDEUR OF AMERICAN RAIL TRAVEL. THE QUIET CAR, THE SEATS THAT FACE BACKWARDS, THE SLIDING BATHROOM DOORS THAT DON'T REALLY LOCK. [ LAUGHTER ] YOU OPEN IT UP, CATCH A GLIMPSE OF AN OLD MAN ON A TOILET. [ LAUGHTER ] A FULL BOTTLE OF GATORADE ROLLING AROUND ON THE FLOOR OF THE TRAIN. IT GOES THAT WAY, IT GOES BACK. [ LAUGHTER ] WITHOUT TRAINS, NO AMERICA. >> I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M SAYING THIS TO MY WHITE BOSS, BUT IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY. >> IT'S GOING TO BE MORE THAN TODAY. TAKE IT FROM ME, GOVERNOR ANDREW CUOMO. US GOVERNORS HAVE HAD EACH OTHER'S BACKS NO MATTER WHAT. YOU KNOW WHAT ITALIANS LIKE TO DO? HUG AND KISS AND RUN THEIR FINGERS UP EACH OTHER'S BACKS. SO LET'S ALL COME TOGETHER. OOPS, BAD CHOICE OF WORDS THERE. AND LET'S GET THIS BILL PASSED TODAY. JUST LIKE ME, IT DESERVES A SECOND CHANCE. THEN A THIRD CHANCE. AND AT LEAST UP TO 11 CHANCES. OH, AND I WANT TO PLUG MY NEW BOOK. MY FIRST WAS CALLED "LESSONS IN LEADERSHIP." AND MY NEW ONE IS CALLED "WHOOPS." [ LAUGHTER ] >> AND I'M PROMOTING MY NEW BOOK. "SANDWICHES I HAVE LIKED AND TRIED." [ LAUGHTER ] >> HELLO. I'M CHUCK SCHUMER. YOU MAY REMEMBER ME, BUT YOU DON'T. [ LAUGHTER ] I HOPE YOU'VE ENJOYED OUR LITTLE RAP SESS. YOU KNOW. NEXT TIME YOU GET AN EMAIL FROM THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY WITH A SCARY, DESPERATE SUBJECT LINE LIKE, "IT'S ALL OVER, JENNIFER. DEMOCRACY IS DEAD UNLESS YOU DONATE $7 NOW! ♪♪
I don't even need to watch this to know this is gonna be cringe.
It was cringe, wasn't it?
That Kamala joke 😅. One of my old bosses would confuse me for another black coworker for about a year.
• AOC in the skit
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😂😂🤣🤣
Not funny
didn’t laugh