Biblical Romance: Courtship

you can have a seat and again I would say all God's people said great to be with you today if you have your Bibles you can pull them out and turn them to Solomon Solomon a chapter 2 we'll start with verse 10 as we continue the series that we started a few weeks entitled biblical romance what we're doing is looking some godly principles that we can apply to our life for the most important relationship that most of us will ever have it's almost a snapshot of what this relationship ought to look like ideally meaning this is the idea we all fall short here and there as we go along but this kind of the idea of what this relationship look should look like from beginning to end from you know being attracted properly what should we be attracted to to proper dating courtship and then principles that can allow us to have success in marriage now if you're here last week I said I was going to do a couple things today so today number one I'm going to do a little work I would call it like a disclaimer meaning we're going to look at the series kind of from a 5,000 foot view and the reason why we're going to do this is because I know there's some people in this room that are coming from so many different unique situations and experiences and it's difficult to address them all the time as I make points throughout our series secondly we're going to discuss why does God ask for purity before marriage sexually speaking last week we looked at this concept of if you want to have a great marriage part of that is learning how to date appropriately and abstaining or being pure is one of those things but the big question that I want to look at today is why why does God want that for us other than the church or the Bible just saying don't have sex then lastly as this couple progresses in the relationship we've seen again proper Court attraction and dating and we're going to time talk a little bit of when should you move into courtship or officially moving into marriage some questions that we can ask to see if we're ready now as a pastor it can be a bit dicey when you're doing a series like this and it's not for maybe the reasons that you think you know almost after every message I have someone come up to me talking about mandamus I made really difficult when you say this are difficult when you said that and by and large no it's not when I'm speaking of God's Word teaching his principles I believe they're the truth and so I find it actually incredibly liberating to say oh I know it's not always what you like to hear or maybe sometimes even countercultural but it's God's Word so I can say but what I do struggle with a little bit here and there is the fact that I know that there's so many people that are coming from so many different situations and experiences and perspectives that it's almost like when your series like that after I make a five-minute point I almost feel like I have to now have a 15-minute disclaimer about the point I made kind of like drug commercials you know when you're watching TV it's like 30 seconds about how wonderful the drug is going to be for you it's going to change your life and then they spend three minutes to say yeah but if you do this there's a chance of heart attack stroke cancer blood disease abdominal pain diarrhea and possible death I don't think it's weird that they throw that in there right like okay a possible death but what they're trying to do is cover every possible reaction that somebody might have knowing that we're all made a little bit different so let me just kind of give you a general disclaimer for the entire series so that really when people talk to me during the series and they're struggling with maybe a particular point I make I could say go back and listen to week four we address these things at large I know for a fact there's people in this room that are single and you're really okay with that even people that are single and you don't want to get married someday and so you're in a series like this and you might be thinking what does the series have to do with me first off there really is still some really good points relationally speaking that we can apply to our life in just general relationships but secondly you are surrounded whether you know it or not you are surrounded by people especially in your other places meaning where you naturally exist with non-christians you are surrounded by people that are really struggling through these issues and nobody is speaking truth into their life and they're out there just waiting away trying to figure out themselves it's just an opportunity to learn some principles that you can lovingly speak into their life there are others in the room that are single and you desperately want to be married in you're actually hurting you feel like you're doing everything right but you feel alone and you want that family someday and you're kind of God when will you provide there's other than the room that are widowed in a bearing degree of wanting to get remarried some no way never going to happen others really want that relationship again and of course there's people in the room many of us who are married some of us are very happily married others are miserable and pretty much every degree in between then we just have to be honest especially in our day and age there's a lot of us in the room that are divorced for varying reasons some of you if you're just honest it was completely and totally your fault you disregarded biblical principles you did your own thing maybe even you had an affair or left your spouse others of you you're kind of the opposite spectrum meaning you did nothing you did it all right and somebody divorced you and again a very degree in between so with all the different perspectives let me just kind of give one overarching a disclaimer as a pastor the number one job that I really believe that God has called me to do at this church is preach the Word of God and all of it even the stuff at times as very counterculture and for some hard to hear my job is to teach God's Word because I believe it's the truth and even when sometimes truth is hard to hear I still believe it's loving to speak the truth it's what's best for us but when teaching principles there are times that I am teaching God's promises for instance in Romans 10:9 it says if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead you will be saved that is a promise I don't care who you are or where you're coming from if you would if you would declare Christ in that way I promise you guaranteed salvation but there's a large part of the time when we're handling Scripture that we are teaching biblical principles for godly living biblical principles are good they are truths for us but they are like proverbs of Scripture meaning what they teach is if you do this whatever that might be and chances are statistically speaking more likely than not this good possible a godly result will take place in your life their principles but they're not promises for example proverbs 22:6 says train your child and the way you should go and when they grow up they will not turn from it this is a total biblical truth that I believe in it's a principle it's a proverb but not a promise meaning I know there's people in this room that have done this yet your kids are human beings who often tames make their own decisions even though you have pored correctly and appropriately into them they've turned from God and maybe worse their life as an absolute mess at no fault to you as a parent and so a pastor one day when you come to church teaches this section is talking about this idea that listen if you train your children when they're young to be godly when they're older chances are they will not turn from it yet that is not what's happened in your life and so it can be a principle that could be difficult to hear it can be painful maybe you're even upset at God or maybe you even feel judged because that hasn't worked out in your life but it's a principle not a promise meaning again chances are or likely to not statistically speaking your child will grow up to follow God when you teach them these principles so in a series like this we're teaching biblical principles and proper attraction dating courtship principles for a godly marriage and so I will say to you these are principles from God that if you apply chances are statistically speaking more likely than not it will give you the opportunity to have an intimate lifelong relationship that you're looking for but marriage takes two to tango and we live in a fallen world where sometimes sicknesses and the disease cuts that short or more likely sinful humanity is a big part of being in marriage meaning in a marriage it takes two people regularly and often committee submitting to the lordship of Jesus Christ it's each individual's responsibility in the marriage to do this and to be honest with you it's not easy for all of us it's difficult and so what can often happen is it can easily slowly but surely like you know the boiling frog analogy from cold to hot and he dies doesn't even know it slowly but surely slip away from us and the next thing you know we're in sin selfishness or whatever it might be and even though up to that point you've tried to live out biblical principles sometimes it all falls apart I could tell you multiple stories I'm going to tell you a story and I've seen it happen many many times this story I'm telling is a few guys that I didn't just know not just pastor but I personally discipled which tells you what a great disciple er I must have been these are two guys that were young and they were in the group I was doing and they just loved the Lord they were coming regularly to all the stuff we did they were on leadership and they were serving regularly a girl was in the group doing the same thing it's kind of like I'm following Jesus you're following Jesus hey let's see if we can do 60 years together and still they started hanging out they started dating too did the proper things they got married five years later that you know kids involved but then so uh but surely priorities got a little off a little skewed next thing you know he's not in uncountable relationships like he used to be in Bible study in prayer he's not serving anywhere he's not going to growth group he's not in church all of a sudden spending more and more time at the bar really probably became addicted to alcohol definitely addicted to pornography had an affair and then the whole thing blew up and in both situations the other one was left standing there thinking what I did everything right I followed the principles I did the gameplan but again I want to remind you the principles not promises and because we live in fallen world especially with sense of humanity sometimes things just get off the rails so when teaching biblical principles I want to remind you they're still truths overall they're still really good for us God wants us to live these out oftentimes they're countercultural but they give us the best chance for a godly results that we're looking for that if ignored often will create a struggle in your life but at times are difficult to hear sometimes you might even feel judged because your particular situation but please remember it's never the goal and it's loving to speak the truth secondly I want to remind you that this church has a statement that we use all the time we say we believe we believe in a high standard of holiness meaning we are going to preach God's Word this is what he calls for perfection we're never going to lower the standard but because all of us are sinners and none of us can do that we do the best we can with a huge hand of grey' trying to meet people right where they're at and so I want to remind you no matter what's going on your life no matter how hard some of these principles may be here hard may be hard to hear or maybe you're done it all wrong I want to remind you God loves you just the way you are right now this morning today he loves you with all your sin with all your mistakes with all your hurt with all your past experiences some of your fault others not but he refuses to leave you that way and that's why we need to discuss these truths these principles and do the best we can to meet us where we're at and then together move into godliness so that's kind of point one now moving back into biblical principles for a you know having a great godly marriage so far in this transition we've seen how were to be attracted to one another last week we dealt with dating dating in such a way that gives us the best opportunity to have a great marriage and one of the main things that we talked about is when you're dating to not put yourself in compromising situations of being alone so that when one or the other you feel wanting to express these love feelings that Yee or enjoying to express them physically that you have not put yourself in a compromising situation well last week I wanted I told you I was talked about this week the why is this wrong not to feelings not the desires those are very natural they're human but why does God ask us not to have sex outside of marriage why is it better to abstain now the first thing I'll say is that there are times that the Bible says for us to do things that we don't like and we don't understand but it's still Scripture and there are times that we just obey because it's the right thing to do even though we don't understand everything and I'll just tell you it's very clear in Scripture from beginning to end that we are to stay pure outside of marriage in this area of our life with that said Tommy Nelson gives the analogy of the living room he says this if I came to your house and I stacked up a bunch of wood in the middle of your living room and then I got some lighter fluid and put it all over it and I lit a match and and it flew up now if you're younger for a time you might be laughing giggling kind of hot you know you're doing something wrong it's kind of exciting the problem is in that context you cannot control the fire it's going to catch on to the curtains and the furniture and the carpet it's going to get out of control and will destroy everything that you love what's important to you and oftentimes you would then be left with ashes even though for a time you might actually even enjoy it so again what's the problem with that not what the living room was goat for if I take that same wood same match same lighter fluid and put it into the fireplace and light it up well that's what the fireplace was built for it was built to handle the heat you know now we're warming our hands were cuddlin roasting some marshmallows we're enjoying the fire it actually becomes a beautiful feature in your home what's the difference the same wood same house same fire sexuality yet it's in a different context God has a proper context for the expression of sexuality that's a huge thing you need to hear God wants you to enjoy sex but in its proper context of marriage one woman one man for life that is the fireplace that he is built to explore experiment engage in what was meant for marriage outside of it is like lighting it in the middle of a living room can be exciting for a time but it will almost pick everything you love that down now let me give you a couple reasons why other than not good for us a couple reasons one it atrophies communication I hate to break it to all the young guys in the room but a great marriage is not built on sex now a lot of users are really disappointed it's built on intimate connection in fact I will tell you the best sex that anybody will ever experience is actually in marriage and it's a response to deep intimate connection serving and loving one another and intimate verbal communication when we have sex before marriage it can be dangerous because in the dating context number one if we're having into the dating context often times we will actually stay in a bad relationship because we've invested sexually I cannot tell you how many times I've seen this where you know you might have two people who have not invested in that way and it's not going well and they break up it can be difficult for a time but they move on but I cannot tell you how many times I've seen a couple stay in a relationship that is not good for a million different reasons because they've invested sexually it makes it so much harder for whatever reason to get out secondly though before marriage when we allow sexual intimacy to grow oftentimes very quickly and in the very beginning of a relationship it literally becomes what a relationship is built upon and it can often overtake communication pretty much all of it and so when a relationship moves into conflict which it will inevitably do at some point in time oftentimes what these couples will do is in a conflict that kind of just read they don't address it and then they just start making out start going down that road because when you're doing that everything feels right it's in that moment that there's peace in the Middle East you know Isis has now been disarmed miraculously Republicans and Democrats are getting along again and so what happens you don't learn how to communicate and you never walk through conflict and you get stuck and here's what happens this couple often then gets married and I'll tell you what the statistics say the statistics tell you that couples who regularly engage sexually before marriage when they get married that sexual relationship begins to fizzle now let me tell you what it also says it actually says the reverse the statistics tell you that when a couple actually abstain from sex before marriage when they get married that sexual relationship begins to get hotter and hotter for a lifetime so honestly which one do you want I'm just giving you SAP but with that said what often times is because they've done it beforehand they get married and then it begins to fizzle out all of a sudden they realize they're just stuck with each other and they don't even know who they are secondly it's an unrealistic illusion of health so you can having sex it can seem so healthy for all you guys today when you go out to your your weber and you have coals in there and you put lighter fluid all over it and you put the mass and it goes there's something about us that we love that moment right yeah fire I made it and then what happened and some of you guys can't even get the coals lit I'm talking about the Weber guys that's what I'm addressing right now that's it and so what I mean if you have like a piece of metal and you put lighter fluid on you goes up and the only way that you can continue to keep that fires that put more and more lighter fluid on it like that sex outside of marriage is so for often an illusion of Health another way to say it often covers up what isn't healthy and you don't even notice it until you get married there's actually many more other reasons but all in there so disclaimer we talked about why does God want us to abstain to be honest with you something you do not hear from our culture is it 11 times it's hot is just physical it's not our sexuality is connected to our soul and when we misuse our sexuality it does damage the soul it can be repaired God is amazing you can do incredible things but there is harm that is done now let's talk a little bit about courtship this morning so this relationship we've talked about it's top you know I've got Gandhi character and so do you so they begin to hang out for a time to see if they can click if it's something that they like they they like each other and then we see in verse 8 to 10 kind of a very clear intention to say okay we like each other but we're going to move towards marriage verse 10 she says my lover's spoke and said to me arise my darling my beautiful and and come with me it's in clear intent towards to move towards marriage now what I'd like to discuss a little bit and again some of you are already married or sinc whatever it is so these are great principles to really help people discover ok we're dating should we move towards marriage and so what I'd like to do is give you a couple questions that are great questions to ask yourself as you are looking at this dating relationship should we officially move to a courtship which means we're declaring we'd like to get married the first question I encourage you to ask is are you ready are you ready and all I'm going to say here is this do you have the characteristics that we talked about in week 1 see we talked about in week 1 some characteristics that you should be looking for in a spouse before you even begin to date but the flip side is you need to ask the question do I have those characteristics because you might find that one but if you don't have it your relationships going to struggle and so you ask yourself the question you know do I do I've got to character or humble spirit here's a big one can you say I'm sorry probably the two most important words in marriage I'm sorry I was wrong you have a good work at work ethic because marriage is difficult are you willing to put the work in it you have the ability to in an intense moment in a dating situation when one or both of you wants to express yourself in a physical way to say do not arouse or awaken love until it's so desires it shows a godly character that over time is displayed now how do you know this I would encourage you to ask some people around you allow other people to be part of this process now first off right off the bat red flag number one if you don't have anybody to ask that's a problem because that means you're outside the body of Christ I would really encourage you growth groups or men and women's and Wednesday nights to get in a place where you're connected to people that you can process this stuff with it's very helpful it's what God asked and then when someone might say to you hey man I see this or that that might not be quite right or you might not be quite ready don't get defensive it might actually be what's bad for you so do yourself and you're the one you're dating a favor at times it might be good to just say you know what hold on we want to say boot camp just a little bit longer and allow God to develop you secondly question ask is this relationship life-giving verse 11 through 13 says this see the winter is past the rains are gone for over and gone flowers appear on the earth a season the season of singing has come the cueing of doves is heard in the land the fig tree forms its early fruit blossoming vines spread the fragrance arise come my darling my beautiful and come with me what's he describing it's springtime meaning they've done it right they've done the hard work of you no date winner if you will now the relationships growing it's providing sustenance it's becoming life-giving so here's some questions that you can ask in that dating situation to see if it's life-giving one does this person make you better another one is do they not make you better you know are you continually having to apologize for this person does this person make you more like Jesus does this person encourage you to pursue Jesus more and I'm not just saying with words and hey yeah go to church no problem I want you to be there no but as you watch this person does their relationship with Christ become contagious to you do you see them engage in God in such a way that you're thinking I want what they have it's the Jesus factor you know they're pursuing God and you're pursuing God is kind of like we're good for each other listen if the Jesus factor is not there in the dating relationship chances are it's not going to miraculously show up in marriage if you want it there another great you know life-giving question is are you fighting all the time you know with stadion stayin in the dating relationship a matter of your will that's where red flag I've said this before I'll probably say it again listen when you're dating that's supposed to be the really fun time that's the easy time and honestly if you need counseling when you're dating it's just a red flag thirdly before you proceed ask the question have you watched this person over time anybody can kind of fake it for a few months verse 14 it says my dove and the cleft of the rock and the hiding places on the mountainside show me your face what's happening here she's hiding why what's she afraid of you know fellas in the room let me just shoot you straight for those who are single especially listen in a relationship one being I don't even know who this person is 10 we're getting married when you're at a 3 she's probably out of six when you're out of six she might have already reserved the church I want to give you this heads up and the reason why I do is as this relationship is blossoming she is about to give her her heart give him her heart she's done it right to this point she's protected her heart she's guarded it she hasn't jumped all in rightfully so in the dating context but once you kind of say hey we're going to move towards marriage that's kind of a big cliff to jump over because once you jump over it's out head-over-heels in love I'm all-in and she knows then she'll be incredibly vulnerable and exposed so what's she afraid of verse 15 says catch for us the foxes she says the little foxes that ruined the vineyards are vineyards that are in bloom in this day and age foxes and other vermin would come into the vineyards and orchards and eat some of the blossoms which wouldn't completely destroy the return but it could greatly harm it it was an annoyance but it's something that you had to deal with early and often her concern is are you really the person that you have presented yourself to be so far you know when things get difficult in the future in the relationship in the marriage are you willing to put in the work that this marriage will take are you willing to work on the issues that will come up what we will you deal with them early and often with me so that they don't become huge and destroy us what she fears is that she's fallen in love with this guy who's become an incredible charmer but then the second they get married he's got to become a relationship oh then all of a sudden her needs don't really matter to him he's coming home and just throwing SportsCenter on and running to the gym again and again and shows no interest in her she's saying I'm scared because I'm about to go somewhere and I don't know if you're going to go there with me what's the point have you spent enough time watching have you allowed time to reveal who this person really is or are you still kind of in the beginning the heat of Roe man that you can be blinded by at times what's the rush honestly you know I can tell you many many stories about how this has gone awry let me just give you a little bit of wisdom wait give time in the dating context a chance to reveal who this person really is outside the newness and excitement of romance and I know there's a few people here that would say hey we met we fell in love love at first sight 30 days later we were married and then it's been 50 years it's been the best thing I've ever done and I would just say god bless you but for every story I hear like that I can tell you 10 stories of people who rushed into marriage who really didn't know other the other person there was red flags popping up everywhere that it gets the advice of their friends and loved ones they ignored it jumped into marriage and it became an absolute disaster my point is why gamble I've said it before I'll say it again the only thing worse than being single and really wanting to be married is to get married and then all of a sudden really wish you were single and I want to make sure you understand what I mean by that as a believer when you say I'm going to marry you at that moment you are promising before God and people you're inviting God into a covenant that says for very little other reasons you're in this thing for life and when it becomes difficult you can't just jump ship you know Holly and I are really lucky because we actually were friends for quite a long time kind of a chance before we started dating about a year and a half really good friends hanging out having a good time had no interest in her she had no interest in me and then one day I went to her place to pick her up to actually meet a bunch of friends and I knocked on the door and she opened it up I still remember this moment she opened it up on Mike oh my gosh she is hot how did I not see this but it wasn't just her her looks although I that but it was her whole being all of a sudden became incredibly attracted to me who she was became attracted to me and I knew she was and then we did it we actually got engaged and we dated for three years I knew Holly from June of 95 we got married in 2000 of 90 June let me start over June of 95 got married I promise June 4th baby mm I'm one of the few people I purposely got married in 2000 so you asked me how long I've been married well yes what yours is all right my point is coming back reel it in I we had been married we knew each other excuse me for five years before we got married you can't fake it for five years and my point isn't to give you a time line it's just do have you given time to reveal who this person really is now again some of you were really struggling with some of these issues but you know it's interesting we have no problem you know going to college for four years getting a master's degree you know trade school spend a lot of time preparing for a career but this almighty relationship we just want to jump in with no process procedures or training I got it the statistics tell us we go don't let me come back as I end with this let me come back to sexuality for a second now I'm not going to ask for a show of hands and everyone's thankful I'm not but I just know that the culture we live in there's a whole lot of us in this room who have kind of mess it up sexually speaking you know I was working with young people when I was talking about this kinda stuff take a wild guess with a number one question I got from Christian kids number one question how far is too far the answer I give to them is listen that's the wrong question the better answer the better question is is how can we glorify God in this relationship as we move forward together but I know there's a lot of people on varying degrees who have messed up sexually and I guess for me I guess part of it is I actually want you to be convicted I actually wanted to hurt a little bit I want there to be remorse now I don't want you to stay there but if that is not part of the process if there's not sad or remorseful of what you've done chances are just going to do it again and again and again I want you to see that it breaks God's heart because he loves you but I also want to remind you that Jesus Christ came to this earth to die for our sin all of it everything and if he's about anything he's about Redemption he reading soul-g we do his decisions he redeems lives he can redeem sexuality he renews habits and marriages he can make all things new you cannot change what you've done or where you've been but you definitely can change where you're going to go and so I would encourage you today in this moment to confess sin to repent that's a big one it means I agree with you God I'm going to go in a different direction with your help ask for forgiveness the Bible says if you would confess sin and ask for forgiveness he will take your sin and remove it from you as far as the East is from the West one passage says I'll take your sin and throw it to the depths of the ocean and someone added and put a no-fishing sign up the problem though is a lot of us we confess sin but we're still walking around with a fishing pole and we want to bring it back up either to engage in it again or to really kind of make ourselves feel bad for what we have done what I would encourage you to do today is just make today a declaration no matter what you've done where you've gone if you're in marriage you might need to do this as well outside of marriage whatever it looks like but to say today February 5th Superbowl Sunday when the Falcons miraculously beat the Patriots today I confessed I got right and I have now moved into purity with God and watch him do a miraculous thing in your life to prepare you for something very special that he wants you to experience no need to say one thing before I close some of you quite frankly you need to talk to somebody meaning you need to talk to somebody can walk alongside with you and some of these issues specifically in the statistic tell us with Millennials that the panagra fee issue is just off the charts an enormous huge issue and sometimes the only way you can really get past that is to get into somewhat like a CR group we have that here on Thursday nights people that would lovingly walk you through this process with accountability to find purity in this area it let me pray father God I'm still thankful for you are and what you're doing in amongst us and as we go into a prayer time I'm going to say in front of people that as we go into this time we're going to have prayer warriors come forward and and we're going to go into a time of worship and God we just ask that you would just allow us to engage you in this time especially for those you just really need to seek you and ask for forgiveness and get right with you that this would just be a beautiful moment as we've seen these two songs to worship you for your salvation for your forgiveness for the fact that you redeem and make us holy O Lord let us get right with you allow this to be a moment in which we declare today onward and forward I I will stay true to your word and father God I just pray that you would just be with this moment as we engage you in worship that it would be a beautiful sign of who you are and how you regain my praise in Jesus name and God's people said we're going to move into a time of worship right now and I just want to encourage you if you'd like prayer we have people that love to pray with you but I'm going to say out loud that it please it's not about sexuality alone so like it if I make it that then no one will come forward so if you're struggling with a heard or heartache or a relationship that's broken or you just need prayer for health situation whatever it might be we'd love this moment to be a time where we all are just engaging our beautiful God who loves to forgive and who loves to redeem and we want to let you know these people are here to pray with you god bless you

Channel: River City Christian

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Length: 34min 42sec (2082 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 06 2017