HOW TO DATE: PART 1

[Music] [Applause] [Music] well we're talking about dating tonight and I would like to begin with a quote from David Brooks he's a columnist for The New York Times and he wrote an article about the social frontier facing the young modern single and this is what he said they hit puberty around 13 and many don't get married until they're past 30 that's two decades of coupling uncoupling hooking up relationships shopping around this period isn't a transition anymore it's a sprawling life stage and nobody knows the rules once young people came a-callin as part of courtship then they had dating and going steady but the rules of courtship have dissolved they've been replaced by ambiguity and uncertainty cell phones Facebook text messages they give people access to hundreds of quote friends but that only increases the fluidity drama and anxiety and I'll tell you I don't know David Brooks but in my experience of living among young singles I would say I hear this all the time ambiguity uncertainty drama and it all produces anxiety and it makes me sad that something that should be associated with words like fun and exciting we're talking about young loves are more often associated in the conversations I have with you with words like sad and exhausting and stressful and it shouldn't be like that and yet the fact remains this that most of you in the room are single and alright okay some people feel good about that most of you will also be married and most of you will pass from singleness into marriage in your 20s that's the story for most of you that you're gonna take this journey this process of evaluating people that will land you into walking with someone Lord willing into forever and last week we talked about who who you should be linked up with and we gave you a bunch of different attributes but they really just boil down to two categories you're looking for character and you're looking for chemistry you're looking for character someone who doesn't just claim to believe that there's a deity but someone who is pursuing God and the things of God you want a man or a woman like that that they have a deep God shaped character and then you want to look for chemistry that it's someone you you like hanging out with you enjoy talking to you click you need both and some people just want chemistry you meet someone that you like oh my gosh it's so funny we can talk for hours but you don't have these deeper conversations about what are their core values in life and so you get married and you see it all the time that hot fun cool cute couples get together and then five six seven years when they start making big life decisions they realize they have a very different set of values and those marriages come apart or then on the other side you can have someone that has just a deep stall word character but they're so boring and after an hour you just run out of things to say and you don't have to do that to yourself so you need both that they have a solid godly character and there's chemistry you get along and so we gave you this picture of running that you are meant to be as a single person devoted to the Lord that I'm chasing after the things of God pursuing God and using the gifts and abilities in time and influence he's given me to be a blessing to all people who are made in the image of God that's my life I'm in a pursuit of him and as I'm doing that a lot of people are gonna be around and some people are gonna cross my path right in front of me and they might be cute but they're running a totally different direction pursuing other things than God they're pursuing money happiness fame whatever and you go okay that person's cute but I'm not gonna grab hold of cuz their life's going one way and mines go to another and that's not a good combo so I'm gonna let all kinds of cute people pass me by if they're not pursuing the things of God and yet when you chase after the Lord after a while you're gonna look around and there's gonna be people chasing along with you and as your along with these people you're gonna start talking to a few of them and checking them out and be like okay and kind of run up next to that person and start to talk to him and start to see do we have chemistry do I like talking to you are you fun to be with and if that happens you find someone to run with in life and that's the vision we gave you of what marriage is supposed to be marriage is not you'd looking deep into the eyes of someone and saying in your eyes I am complete right that's too much weight to put on another human being you're not half a person waiting for another half a person that's your soul mate right that's not how you're built right and some people hate on the term soulmate I don't know how to feel about it like do I think God has the one for you I think God rules all things in the universe by the way and so does he have the one for you yeah he might have the three for you Elizabeth Daly it was a godly woman she married a guy who died very young and she remarried a guy that died she remarried again she was a godly woman she ended up having three husbands of the course of her life I don't know what God's plans are for you but if you're saying I'm looking for a soul mate in that it's someone who will just complete my soul that's not what a human being is designed to do you're not meant to stare into each other's eyes and find eternity and bliss you're meant to grab hands and run out into the world together that's why you want to marry someone that's go in the same direction at the same pace that you run together into the drama of life so let me dispel a myth right here at the front you don't want to date someone that's all drama I knew you were trouble when you walked in then why did you date him you don't date that person that makes no sense you don't and some people feel that you come in dating is supposed to be tumultuously I hate you but I love you and it's supposed to have a drama don't date drama don't marry drama life brings enough drama you get together with a low drama person you all linked hands and run into the drama of life together supporting each other you don't want to be linked up with someone that you go you know I just never know when he's gonna turn on me right you don't want that person you don't marry crazy you face life's crazy with someone that's chasing the things of God along with you that's what marriage is supposed to be and that was last week to who now we gotta talk about the how cuz some of your saying I want that person how do I get that person what process can we go through because it's so ambiguous what are the rules what am I supposed to do it's all crazy I remember talking to a girl that in exhaustion at one point said I just wish everyone had a symbol on their head and you just had to find the person with the corresponding symbol and that was the one you were supposed to marry she's like it would be so much easier but that's not what's happening that's not how it's gonna work you must pass through a process of evaluation and in different cultures and at different times in history that process of evaluation has looked differently now it's called dating that it's a process of evaluating a person saying are you a good fit for me to link with for the rest of my life dating is a process and I keep coming around that word because a process has movement to it it's a series of actions unto a predetermined end that I'm interacting with someone unto the end of discerning are we meant to run into eternity together dating is not a status that you sit in well I guess we're dating and just hang out in it's meant to have movement to an end which is marriage right and there's a lot to say about this process the Bible doesn't talk about dating per se there's not a verse about and Moses to the sapore unto chilis you're not find that but the Bible says a lot about how to evaluate and so as we talk about the modern system of dating you can debate whether or not it's the right way to do it but given what is the Bible speaks about how to evaluate if someone's the right fit for you and I want to give you seven things when we talk about how to date and we're not gonna have time to get into all this with depth it killed me to have to cut out so much but we're in a series that I'll keep rolling on Lord willing so we'll just jump in as far as we can get before the clock runs out but seven things of how I should date that will give me a pathway through the chaos into linking up with someone into it forever the first thing how should I date is prayerfully prayerfully Romans 8:28 says and we know God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love God first Peter 5 says cast your anxiety on God because he cares for you first John 4 says we've come to know and believe the love which God has for us there's no fear and love perfect love casts out fear do you hear where I'm going with that then I want to pray why because when I do I realize I'm linked up with the God who works all things for the good of those who love him and I can cast my anxieties unto him because he cares for me and there's no fear and love his perfect love casts out fear when you start thinking about Who am I gonna end up with how am I gonna meet him where's it all gonna go I want you to enter in prayerfully why because it releases anxiety and releases fear when you rest and the sovereign love of God it takes desperation out of dating that's suddenly I'm not clutching it I may not meet him on our time what I got to do it liberates you from having to work it to try to get someone's attention you don't have to do that you go I know my God is leading me in a good way Genesis chapter 24 is the longest chapter in Genesis and it's all about Abraham the father of faith finding a wife for his son Isaac and he gets his most trusted servant to go back home and to find him a wife and he tells the servant you go back to my people and get a wife for my son and the guy says what if the wife's not willing to come with us Abraham and her son Isaac were living on the cutting edge of faith serving God in a remote place and he says what if the not willing to join him in the call of God and Abraham said to him the Lord the God of heaven who took me from my father's house the land of my kindred who spoke to me and swore to me to your offspring I will give this land he will send an angel before you and will take a wife for my son but if the woman's not willing to follow you then you're free from my oath do you hear put the perspective he says the God of heaven will provide a wife for my son and if he doesn't I'm not worried about it that's his perspective he says I trust God with my life and the more you rest in that it liberates you from not trying to manipulate us but just being able to be a blessing when you're among us trusting that like Ruth and Boaz's you're doing the work of God out in the field of God you'll look up and go who's that over there picking wheat right and you'll begin to move together proverbs 3 says trust the Lord with all your heart lean not on your own understanding in all your ways acknowledge him he will make your paths straight do you trust him with your dating life consecrated to it because when you do that it takes the desperation out of dating and frees it up to be what it is a process of evaluation so let's say you're running along and pursuing the things of God and you see someone that's cute that you think is kind of fun running along with you I hope you're involved in a church in a Christian community and I hope you're all doing stuff together you're going out and playing games together you're brunching together you're doing all that stuff and while you're doing it you find someone you really want to spend time with and you don't I want to move towards that person what should I do I prayed about it Ben now what step 2 is how do you date with clarity with clarity that he he Ephesians chapter 4 says of Christians we speak the truth in love to one another proverbs 24 26 is an honest answer is a kiss on the lips it's a gracious thing to tell someone the truth and honesty doesn't mean a full disclosure of every thought in your head proverbs celebrates prudence that is the weighing of our words carefully sometimes the first thought that pops in your head isn't really what you believe or think or should say and yet in the world of dating and gender relationships there's so much ambiguity and what the word really needs is some clarity proverbs 29:18 since where there is no vision the people perish that word perish is also translated are unrestrained are disturbed are out of control disorderly where there's no vision where there's no leader saying we're going that way people feel out of control they feel disturbed and it's not life-giving it's not a good place normally when you hear someone say where are we it's not accompanied with happy feelings and it's the same with dating and dating we need clarity we need clarity of invitation in men that's on you in 2012 there was a national survey that indicated only 12% of American women asked anyone out the previous year 12% isn't that fascinating that was not just of Christians that's in all of America and our liberal day they asked women have you asked someone out in the past year only 12% said yes so whatever you believe about male-female relationships what's the end goal women want men to initiate and according to recent polls they prefer you do it face to face what comes second some say texting some don't like it some like calling some don't good luck with that but most of them like face to face as I did my informal polls with women I found that universally they hate the words hanging out it was amazing the looks of revulsion I received from that girls did not like the lack of clarity associated with being act asked to hang out what does that mean they wanted clarity and I even asked him do you want him to use the word date because some girl said use the word date and I was a time out did the rest of you think you should use the word date they're like yeah because at least I know what I'm getting into so use the word date I would like to ask you on a date or if that feels too weird plan something and then take them to that thing right for me when I dated in college it was an absolute train wreck and I just had to stop I mean it was not good I'll tell those stories maybe someday let me tell you about when I did it right with Donna when I started dating Donna I remember we were hanging out with big groups of Christian people because that's what I did and I watched the way she treated people serve people and I just thought this is an amazing girl and I remember there was a group of us going out to a movie so I said hey a big group of us is going out to a movie would you like to join us and she said yes and so we all went out to the movie it wasn't a date but we sat by each other and we visited with each other and after that I called her and I said hey my brother's in town and he's got this New Year's Eve thing he's going to and he invited me and I need a date would you like to come with me and she said yes and so we went and at the end of it thank you yeah that's really good about that when it ended at the end of the date I said to her hey this was a lot of fun can I call you again and she said yes so I called her again I said hey there's a play showing downtown I'd like to see will you go with me and she said yes we never made it to the play because we had some friends whose child ended up in the neonatal ICU and we literally had to divert the car and go straight into a crisis situation where I had to administer some good friends and I got to see how she reacted in that moment and it was spectacular and so we were clear with what we're trying to do and I learned about here clarity of intentions don't play games well I'll just flirt a little bit maybe I'll wait and then like text two weeks later that's for people with nothing better to do if you're a Christian we believe this world's going to hell but we have the hope for the world we have the answer we are in the middle of trying to save lives and souls with every bit of influence we have we don't have time to mess around so say what you mean and mean what you say right and be clear about the process and so what does that mean does that mean when you see a cute girl you come up here and go I would like to begin the process of courtship now no no no it means if you enjoy talking to her say hey I really enjoyed this can I call you or say hey this was really fun would you be willing to go to dinner with me and after dinner say do you mind if I call you and a couple dates in she's gonna start thinking some things and that's when you need to say something to her like hey hey I want you to know I'm not trying to get married like next week but I'm not just messing around and wasting your time either I've really enjoyed getting to know you and and I'm not looking to get married like next month but you're I think you're the kind of person I could see myself marrying and so do you mind if I just keep calling you and then what I think you do is give them clarity on an exit I think right after that you say hey and I want you to know if at any point in this you say hey I'm not comfortable with this you have every right to say that to me and we're done and I trust the Lord with my life and I trust the Lord with your life so if this is in any way uncomfortable we'll just stop there's no pressure and you give her a big door out 1st Corinthians 14 says God is not a God of confusion but a God of peace Jesus when he was described they said he was full of grace and truth and so we graciously speak the truth to one another to give them clarity and ladies you reciprocate with honesty don't just freeze them out and never respond to the text - right you tell him if he asks you out and you're not interested say you know you seem like a great guy but I just I I can't see it going anywhere honestly or maybe you say yeah I'm comfortable moving forward and I've talked to girls who's men did this husbands now and I remember talking to one and she said I loved the clarity he gave me every couple dates he would just talk about where we are she said I always knew where I stood I didn't have to guess what he thought and so we're prayerful with clarity but always with a sense of autonomy autonomy that's your next one and you know what does that mean well here's what that means the Bible acknowledges a few relational categories the first is believer in Jesus Christ non-believer and the Bible is very clear you don't date across those lines because you have different allegiances in different directions you're meant to love that person and be kind to them but your primary goal in their life is to see them have an eternal relationship with God not a romantic one with you and so you don't date them right and then what other relationships come within the circle of Christians you have brother and sister in Christ or husband and wife when you've crossed that line of making a covenant with one another unto forever and when you make that covenant with one another that brings into your life a whole different set of Bible verses that bring with them responsibilities and privileges that are not there for the single brother and sister in Christ right but here's where the problem lies and our culture today we want to create this interim category called but we're dating that's my boyfriend that's my girlfriend and what we try to do when we say those words as we say okay we're not just brother and sister were but we're not married we're not gonna take on all that weight but we're something else and this something else gives me certain responsibilities and affords me certain privileges and this is where all of your confusion lies because you go what are the rules here and you bump into the responsibilities hey why didn't you text me today why don't you text me you're supposed to text me throughout the day I'm supposed to check yeah you're you're my boyfriend you're supposed to text me oh I didn't know that hey so are we going out tonight well I'm going out with my girlfriends wait what other weird dating I thought you were supposed to why are you going out with that I thought we hung out on the weekend oh I'm so I'm so sorry I'm sorry I didn't know that okay okay next time I will call you before I make parents of my friends I'm so sorry forgive me and we have these responsibilities we bump into or we get these privileges okay when she was just my Christian acquaintance or quits and sister I couldn't touch her in certain ways but now she's my girlfriend so I get access to her rear and not like at the mall we're gonna be weird about it but you know like at our apartment we'll just be watching a showing up my armoire under waste and de marmol I get tired right and that's okay because she's my girlfriend or my tongue gets to go in her mouth now because she's my girlfriend and we create this new relationship that has these different responsibilities in different privileges there's only one problem the Bible does not recognize this status you're either brother and sister or your husband and wife there's not this intermediate thing and that's where so much of you get confused we make dating a status rather than a process and if I can enter into this status now I get certain responsibilities and certain privileges and this is where we get confused and this is where we get hurt and this is where I get so many questions from y'all that don't make sense if you think about dating as a process someone will come to me and say hey my boyfriend and I are I've been dating for years how do we keep the love alive what I don't know if you're not feeling it don't hang out with him dating is evaluation and if you're bored don't stay there right or someone go hey we've been dating for a while and I think we're supposed to go to church together how do I tell her that she's supposed to go to church with me now she's supposed to what what she's supposed to do with you now to church does she not go to church that's a problem and if dating is about evaluation that's an interesting piece of information you need to know right or you go you know what we're digging how far is too far first Timothy five says treat older women as mothers younger women as sisters with absolute purity how far is too far with your mom how those do follow your sister the Bible doesn't recognize this separate status but I've had some of you come to me and say well it's like we're married no it's like you're not because when you seriously take on the weight of saying I'm gonna care for all of you till I die that's a different weight and that affords you all kinds of privileges and shoulders you with all kinds of responsibilities but in here when you say well I want the privileges but I don't want the weight of like loving you forever God doesn't acknowledge that as a status he doesn't see that so I had someone come up to me and say man I really want to be involved with some of this mission stuff you're talking about making difference in the world but my boyfriend's just not really into it and I said I don't understand what you're saying and she's like and I said are you saying that you and him spend all your time together so you don't have time to serve at your church or the place that she said yeah and I said when you die that won't hold up well with God oh she wanted to serve me but you know boyfriend and cross it out no I said he doesn't own you he has no claim on you you have to make your own decisions and you're accountable for those decisions before God now when you're married that game changes but until you're married you do your life and he does his and you will be held accountable for how you live your lives and so you watch how they live their life well is he supposed to go to church to me just watch him does he go to church do an evaluation point if he doesn't cross him off the list right is he fighting against sin our girls say well we're fooling around sexually but it's because my boyfriend just his needs are so strong it's not like other people and so I have to be there for him you go now know you're evaluating him and if it's struggle with pornography means he's looking at it every week he's not struggling he's getting his butt kicked and you don't need to come help him you don't you step back and watch him because what kind of guy do you want to marry some guy that faces a real struggle in his life and folds like a lawn chair no you want a guy that when he faces the very real and very difficult struggle with pornography to say you know what I'm gonna dust myself off get some friends get together hold each other accountable and make war against this that's the guy you want to marry the guy who's like David who kills Goliath and then comes back and gets married to you you want to marry a warrior like that not some guy that's like I'm just struggling get out of there you are not obligated in this moment you have to live your own life your own way and God will hold you accountable for your life right that's why I say when people come up to me and say hey man I've been hanging out with this girl we're trying to figure out when to make it like official you know like Facebook official or whatever like what's your advice and I always ask them I always say this if you're thinking of asking this here's what I'm gonna say I'll say are you ready to get married in the next six months and you only the guy goes what no and I said then you don't need to be in a rush to expedite naming this because what you're trying to do is get security and comfort by locking her down saying she's my girlfriend what does that mean it means other guys can't get her and it means I have a certain claim on her you don't not under God you don't she can do whatever she wants when I was dating Donna the process of dating her I was telling her all along you have to make your decisions under God of where you're gonna go and how you're gonna serve and what you're doing and I'm really enjoying getting to know you and I could see this going to marriage but up until then we make our own decision so whenever if you feel like you need to get out of this you can tell me that and she would say you don't have to keep telling me that and I would say yeah I do because I'm saying it to me and so for those of you are going oh my gosh I already have a boyfriend already have a girlfriend we all have to break up tonight why did we come to break away I don't care if you use that word boyfriend or girlfriend I don't care but when you got your little flashcards and the word boyfriend is written on the front the definition on the back for many of us even though we won't say it out loud is that gives me certain responsibilities and certain privileges and I'm telling you it doesn't not under God so you can call yourself her boyfriend she can call you boyfriend you can call her girlfriend I don't care but when you intersect with her you need to say I have no rights to her body I have no claim on her life she's not mine she's a daughter of God and she's a Christian sister and I will treat her as such and there's a lot more that comes to that but we're gonna have to move fast what about point three oh geez this is gonna be I don't know how we're gonna do this anyway that ties into point four and that is purity purity and you go why should we be pure aren't we supposed to figure out if we're sexually compatible that to me is one of the most asinine arguments I've ever heard well we got a fool around how are we gonna figure out if we're sexually compatible are you a guy she a girl your parts are gonna fit [Applause] there's been a lot of research on that and so what do people mean when they say that what they mean is technique well well what if he's a sloppy kisser if you're pursuing a man of character a man who's gonna be gentle with you and caring and listen to you and promise you to love you in sickness and health until death do you part if you've got a guy like that who will lay down his life for you do you think he won't be open to some pointers on how to kiss you marry character ladies you find a guy that's gentle patient understanding and strong and all that character will translate into the bedroom man you marry a girl who's responsive tender patient encouraging all that character will translate into the bedroom and you will figure it out together that's what the first year of marriage is for but you marry someone that has a godly character that's caring and tender and loving for you and you guys will figure it out and it'll be fun she doesn't have to figure it out with someone else I want to be a little more experienced before I get there no figure it out together we gotta have experience with each other first to see if it's a good fit that is so selfish because what happens if you get married and you do get hurt what happens if you get a messing and he can't pick up your arms anymore you get me married to someone that goes well I married you for sexual compatibility and it looks like that changed so I'm gonna go for a younger model you don't want that you pursue character and that will take care of itself and the other point about sexuality I just want to press is that it really sabotages the evaluation process first Corinthians 6 Paul speaks about this he says do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one in body with her and it sounds like an obvious statement yeah if you join with the prostitute you become one body that's not rocket science Paul what he's saying is no it's it's more than just fizz because then he quotes the Old Testament for as it is written the two become one flesh what he's saying as sex is more than just physical it is it's meant for bonding there was an article in the Psychology Today that was talking about breakups and it was so fast thing it says the duration of a romantic relationship does not always correlate with the severity of the break-up instead the intensity of the bond established directly correlates with the symptoms of experiencing a breakup what affects bonding the amount of time together and physical content because sexuality is not just something fun we do to feel good it's made for bonding in psychology today which has no Christian goals or influence says when we break up they go what happens is physical contact with your partner can create an intimacy and a bonding to the neurotransmitter dopamine your mind takes a dopamine bath and they say with the release of that dopamine a simple region of the brain called the limbic system begins to associate that person with dopamine release and seeks out that person so when you break up the brain goes into panic mode the fight-or-flight response of cortisol and adrenaline kicks in increases heart rate prepares your fight-or-flight breakups can induce panic nausea tears headache gastrointestinal distress why because you've made yourself physically addicted to that person and that messes up the evaluation process in Hebrew do you know what the word was that was used often of a husband and a wife a loop it means best friend that you want to marry somebody that your friend and you've got to feel out that friendship but what happens when you shoot the system up with sex you get hooked on the sexual experience and you start to lose the ability to evaluate properly whether or not this is a person you'd like to be friends with but as you get into marriage and sex is normalized and the buzz of that wears off do you a friend left that's the question and so it's like trying to figure out if two chemicals mix and someone keeps throwing gasoline on the fire when you throw sexuality into it it distorts your ability to even evaluate is this person a good friend it makes you stay longer in relationships you shouldn't be in and it makes the breakup so painful so painful and some of you that I've talked to in council your deepest pain comes why because you gave and it's not just your body you gave so much of you to somebody and it wasn't the right somebody so you be careful wait wait don't arouse and waken love until it pleases now we're out of time I'm not gonna get to the rest of these tonight but let me say this as soon as I mention that I feel the silence in this room why because so many of us hear that and it makes sense and so many of us have fallen so far short of that and you go well then I've already made a mess I've already done things I've already said things I've already been a part of things I'm doing them right now and that's why I love the song that Jordan sang over us this this hymn of truth that I'm dirty ashamed of what I've done and what I've become but what's the turn but he pleads my cause he says that I'm free how can that be that's the gospel Jesus didn't come for a pristine bride he came for a dirty broken defiled one that's all of us that's all of us we all come to him dirty we all come a mess and what happens his love forgives his love cleanses his love takes shame away so even if you've had all kinds of experiences sexually that you go well then this godly person isn't even going to be interested in me if that person is not willing to marry you because you've had a devastating sexual past good riddance to that guy because he's not like Jesus she's not like Jesus Jesus loved us when we were broken you want a gracious person that but that's not a blank check to keep sinning it's hurtful to you and to other people what do you do what you do is you say now Lord I'm Yours Lord I want to pursue you I want to chase after you and when you run up alongside that person it won't be a date one two three maybe even day 200 but somewhere down the line as you're getting closer to marriage you'll have a conversation and you'll tell him hey there's some things in my past we need to talk about that I'm not proud of but there came a day in March of 2016 where God got ahold of my life and he changed me and I've walked in holiness and purity since with the help of some friends and people who loved me and I I walked with him and he brought me to you and that's a great story that's an awesome story that's a story of grace that's the message we preach here that's the bottom [Applause] you [Music]

Channel: Ben Stuart

Views: 41,522

Rating: 4.9308791 out of 5

Keywords: Ben Stuart, Single, Dating, Engaged, Married, God, Guys, Girls, Aggies, hookup, relationships, love, hope, soul mate, marriage, breakaway, Kyle field, Texas A&M, Jesus, Dreams, Hopes, expectations, desires, lover, date, text, instagram, facebook, ask out, how do I know who to date, how do I ask someone out, how do I know this person is the one, singleness, the gift of singleness, Donna Stuart, Romance, sex, video games, online dating, settling, reed arena, Texas A&M University, HOW TO DATE

Id: Bc57_0QbcLg

Length: 37min 8sec (2228 seconds)

Published: Mon May 04 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/cherhorowitz22]

That was sooo good! Thank you for posting

[u/liz1522]

his entire series on it is eye-opening!!