How to Know That You Know - Ben Stuart

well I remember my freshman year of college I expressed my affections to a young girl I told her that I was interested in her romantically and that I wanted to date and so a few weeks later we met down at the beach and I remember while we were down there with this big group we decided to jump on this hay ride this horse drawn chariot on the beach and so we joined the hay ride it was me and her and then sitting next to her was this other guy that apparently she had been talking to and hanging out with for several days and so as the three of us wrote down the beach together she began to tell me stories about him and how he had recently cooked a meal for her and it was quote the most romantic thing a guy had ever done for her and I remember as she said that suddenly the horse ran over some driftwood on the beach and it shattered the axle of the carriage and everyone came tumbling down there was hay everywhere and I realized you know what this feels like a great time to exit this scene and so I left good luck and I walked down the beach alone in the moonlight and I remember as I did that I was like this isn't just a good time to exit this scene maybe it's a good time to exit the dating scene altogether and to give up on love but I didn't do it and that following year I had to break up with a girl and cry even though I didn't realize we were actually dating and then the following year I remember there was a night where a girl and I broke up and then had our first kiss on the same night in that order and you say Ben that doesn't make any sense and I say I know I know I remember one girl telling me once Ben you should really you should really get counseling and I said you know you're probably right that's probably true so all through college my dating life was chaos so I just realized I can't handle it something's wrong I just kind of light them all on fire so I just got to stop and for six years I took a hiatus from dating and then six years later there was a lot of maturity in my own life some growth and then I remember I met Donna and it was an entirely different experience of getting to know one another and I would say we really did it right and then I remember there was a night where I was sitting in the library getting my masters I was supposed to be studying for finals I had all my books open but all I was doing was looking at cut and clarity and carats of rings because I realized I'm done with singleness I'm done with dating I'm ready to checkout buy a ring and get married to this girl I want her now why mention all that I say all that because I want you to know that I understand dating is difficult dating is risky I mean one date if it goes bad you survive it makes a funny story later but if you start to journey with somebody three four dates and share more of your heart and then breakup it can really hurt dating is a risky thing and so some of us look at it and you go why would I do that it's like grabbing hands and skipping through a minefield let's try this it just feels like it's gonna go bad why would I even do it and then yet you show up at a friend's wedding and you see love in blossom and you go but I want that how do I get from here to there a very natural Norman normal human process has really picked up a lot of complexity how do we journey from singleness through dating into the gift God's given us called marriage that's what we're talking about and specifically as we've been journeying together we talked about how singleness is about devotion God is ordained singleness for every human being to secure an undistracted devotion to him is what Paul told the Corinthians that we were single to get the first thing first to get that right the main thing the main thing that I know God and then as I'm chasing him I start to meet people that hey could be potential people I grip hands and run with into the rest of life and that's what dating is it's evaluating this person are we meant to run together and now today we're talking about engagement and engagement there's much you could say if dating is about evaluation engagement is about Union the merging of two lives it's the merging of our finances it's the merging of our families it's a merging of our futures we will now be running together into the unknown and there's much you could say about it and it's a tender thing it's like bringing a boat up next to a dock there's a way you can do it that's smooth and barely causes a ripple in there's a way to do it that goes crashing into the dock and sends wood and fiberglass and humans everywhere and so how do we dock into each other's lives well and here's the thing I can make this a premarital class and talk about how to get engaged and that could be great but I want to back it up and talk about that very dangerous tenuous confusing place of how do you know that you know that this person I'm interested in is the one I want to marry how do you go from evaluating to Union how do you know that you know that you've met the one that's where we're going today that make sense and we're gonna do it by looking at the book Song of Solomon it's one of those beautiful books in the Bible and I love it I wish we could teach the whole thing I don't have time we'll just kind of grab selections but I want to teach it maybe in a year we'll give you sales a break and then we'll swing back around to it because I love it because it doesn't just warn you about all the dangers of dating and lust rather it shows you the beauty of it done right and you read this poetry that's either by or about King Solomon as he talks about the courting and marriage and love with his beloved Shulamite it's a beautiful book that extolled the beauties of love and unashamedly and almost embarrassingly celebrates sex right it's a beautiful book and so I want to back us up too early in the book they kind of have some memories of what it was like when they met and fell in love and journey to marriage and I want to look at that and see what are some things that we should feel and we should see in a relationship that give us confidence that this is the right person what are some things we should feel what are some things that we should see that gives us confidence that this is the one I meant to run with for a lifetime that's where we're going makes sense nobody on board whether you are not here we go all right number one how do you know you're ready to marry someone how do you know an indicator an initial one is that you feel excitement and that's where we are at the beginning of Song of Solomon they feel legitimately excited that lovers excitement about one another leaps from the page the very first book words as the woman speaks she says let him kiss me with the kisses of his mouth she sees this guys she's like I want our faces to mash I want my face as close to his face as possible I want to be near this guy she is unashamedly infatuated in the inspired Word of God is it wrong to be excited about somebody no it's from God that we would get that excitement about each other she says later she declares your love is better than wine wine in the Middle East it was the drink of celebration it was it was the most delightful thing you could put up to your lips it would make you feel warm inside and lightheaded and she said that's how he makes me feel when I'm around him he's delightful and I'm warm I'm a little crazy that's how I feel when I'm around him which brings a natural question guys what has he done to get her so dialed up some of you are reading that you're yeah I need to know what makes her feel that way and she says in the next verse she says your anointing oils are fragrant now that could mean that his Cologne game was strong you know because back then the Middle East is very hot people get sweaty and there weren't a lot of showers and so men would wear aromatic oils and maybe she's just saying that you smell fantastic and that's probably true guys bathe would be a note you could make but as you keep reading something deeper going on she says your name is like oil poured out and and that's such a brilliant line of poetry because she says your name is like oil poured out that scent is our sense most tied to memory and when you smell something you instantly react if it smells wonderful what happens you lean in breathe in mmm if it smells horrible you recoil you even crimp up your nose to just try to protect your nostrils like right you do that with a nice smell or a bad smell you also do it when you remember somebody's name if I say a name to you we respond to somebody's name if I say name like Hitler you go hmm and you may not even be thinking about a particular speech what are you thinking about that name brings to mind what his character his reputation the accumulated effect of his decision you respond to just by hearing his name when you hear that name you recoil or if I say a name like Abraham Lincoln you go oh right like okay I respond positively to that name because I think of some character attributes the kind of person he was your name is your reputation your name is your character when your name is spoken it calls thoughts to people's mind and they respond how do they respond when they hear your name do they think of a trustworthy person a reliable one a caring one she says your name is like oil poured out when people hear your name they go mmm that's a good man that man cares about people that man has integrity he says what he means and he does what he says that guy is right he is good do they do that with you proverbs 22 says a good name is more desirable than great riches to be esteemed better than silver or gold Mary character let character be what turns you on because looks fade and ladies guys their ears will continue to grow their rears will shrivel up the looks will fade but is he a good listener is he kind to you when you're having a difficult day let me tell you something when you put on that ring that will not change his character watch him now see what he's like with other people is his name like oil poured out does he have a wonderful reputation let that be what excites you but what's great is it's not character alone that excites her there's something else and you see it in that next chapter as the man gets excited and the Shulamite declares the voice of my beloved behold he comes leaping over the mountains bounding over the hills my beloved it's like a gazelle or a young stag behold there he stands behind our wall gazing through the windows looking through the lattice my beloved speaks to me arise my love my beautiful one and come away how do you know this is someone you should marry there's excitement she's excited these staccato presentations of statements let you know she's excited she's like behold he comes he's like a gazelle he is Swift he's like a stag he radiates masculinity and he's excited too he's not walking to her to her house he's leaping he's bounding when he arrives there he's not like whatever honking the horn his peering to the lattice he's overcoming obstacles leaping over mountains nothing will keep him in from my beloved he's peering through the lattice even for a glimpse of his beloved he's excited why is he so excited he says in verse 10 arise my love my beautiful one is he excited that she's physically attractive yes he calls her my beautiful one that matters that he's physically attracted to her but 9 times in this very short book and right here he calls her my love that word my love in Hebrew is the word ryuk T it's it's translated neighbor companion friend friend the reason why he's so excited about seeing her is not just that she has character but there's kindness there friends she responds to him and calls him beloved all through the book it's the Hebrew word Dodie Dodie it's someone that I cherish what's happening is they enjoy being around each other I like being near you I trust you and you're kind to me that's what excites them character and kindness and you need to see that in a relationship do you like being around each other that seems like such a no-brainer to say that and yet I talk to couples all the time that start talking about marriage just because they've been dating so long they figured they might as well and you're like but you're not happy I remember in college living with some guys and they're like well both of them are like well we're gonna marry people but she would constantly put him down they would constantly criticize each other and bicker and like neither of you are happy why would you stack till death do us part on the bar when you can't get along for an evening I mean you need to watch and say do I like being around this person do I enjoy their company do I miss them when they're gone or is it a relief when we go to dinner together am I constantly checking my phone or where the exits are or does time seemed to fly by you need to enjoy being around them this couples had time to do that and what they feel is excitement but it's not just about enjoying their company it's also about being improved by their company and that's the next point that you should see life so listen to what the beloved says it says my beloved speaks to me and says arise my love my beautiful one and come away for behold the winter is past the rain is gone the flowers appear on the earth the time of singing has come the voice of the Turtledove is heard in our land the fig tree ripens its figs the vines are in blossom they give forth fragrance arise my love my beautiful one and come away ladies what time of year is he describing springtime it's the time of life now when I'm around you I'm not just excited by you physically being around you is this explosion of life that us being together we don't just enjoy it it's improving us that when you see a couple come together you need to see not just that they like hanging out but are they better people as a result of that union it's interesting I remember there was a song back when I was a kid by Tiffany it was a romantic song apparently she would say so we're running just as fast as we can holding on to one another's hand trying to get away into the night and then you put your arms around me and we tumble to the ground and then you say I think we're alone now and I remember listening to that song and I'm like so you're both running and he tackles you like he tackles you like you're running and you hit the ground you're like I get you're trying to be romantic but that's so odd but let me tell you something I see that in relationships all the time that I'll meet a young man that he's pursuing the things of God and learning I'll meet a young girl that wants to please the Lord and be like him in the world and they'll meet each other and as soon as they meet each other they get infatuated wrap up and they hit the ground and their pursuit of God derails and suddenly you see them not showing up in church as much anymore you see them not coming to small groups you see a guilt and a shame over their violations and compromise of their character begin to steal their joy you see stress enter in because their communication is so poor and you watch the lights go out in their eyes that one plus one equals zero this isn't an improvement being around this person and you need to watch that am I better as as a result of being around them are they challenging me spiritually do i watch their growth with God and say I want that too do i watch their character and say I want to match that to watch their zeal for life and say I want to match that stride for stride are they making me a better person you want to see that and let me tell you something for some of this this may be a timing issue for me all my dating life in college were terrible and it wasn't the girls fault I realized after a while if all these are a dumpster fire maybe the problem is me and I realize I can't build a Wii if I don't have me figured out and so I had to work on myself and go you know what the right person at the wrong time is the wrong person and these girls were great and nice but trying to get together the communication was confusing we were forcing things and I just realized I wasn't ready and it was I had to get some things figured out and I realized when we grip hands and run together we get worse not better and the reality is if you're gonna run with someone forever you want to see them improving you as a person that you're challenged by the way they pursue the Lord it doesn't look just like the way you do but it enhances you as a person I am a better person as a result of being around Donna I had some strong gifts before I met her but I had some serious weaknesses she has taught me so much about being nice and kind with my face right apparently I present very cold and I'm working on it I'm a better person as a result of being around her are you better as a result of being in that person person's presence so that's what they feel and incidentally your community should see that too they should see the excitement but they should see the life that's why they say rightly do the Virgin's love you this is the right person for you to feel that way about there's excitement and there is life we are better as a result of each other's presence now what are some things you should see about the relationship the first one I think to let you know that you know this is the right to marry what you should see in the relationship is a strong internal sense of commitment do I see in myself and this other person a resolve to work through conflict even when it's hard do we want to stay you see it later in the book of Song of Solomon chapter 8 the beloved says set me as a seal upon your arm upon your heart and as a seal upon your arm for love is as strong as death jealousy as fierce as the grave it flashes our flashes of fire the very flames of the Lord how is love like death when death grabs a hold of someone it does not let go right it stays and she said love is like that love when it grabs someone it commits how do you know you really love someone you say I find that I want to stay in sickness and health for better or for worse I discover and myself a resolve to stay even when it's hard and what I'm saying there is not that you can grit and bear it I imagine many of you have great resolve in your hearts and you could be like I will marry this person and yeah while you're dating you don't have to do that right and I'm not saying do you have the resolve to do it and I'm also not saying do you like being around that person and would miss them when they're gone I'm saying when y'all disagree when a character flaw comes up that you realized isn't gonna change are you suddenly kind of checking the locks on the door and wanting to get out are you saying no I want to work through this she was interesting I was the last one of my friends to get married every single one of my groomsmen was a married man so I got a lot of advice when I was dating and getting married and every single one of them when I asked him that question how did you know that she knew this is right girl they all said you just know which as many of you know is colossal II unhelpful and so I pressed one of them no I don't believe that tell me why you know and he was like I don't you just know I'm like how do you know he said there was an ease to it I said what does that mean does that mean that you never argued and he said no we definitely argued I said then what was the difference between other relationships and I remember this buddy it was very insightful he thought about it for a while and he said you know what bin he said in other relationships whenever we hit a friction some personality trait that graded on each other some big disagreement about direction in life he said whenever we hit those there was always something enemy that was like I just I kind of knew this one right I was kind of feeling like we're forcing this I kind of I don't I don't know that I want to fight for this he said I felt that every time he said but with her whenever we conflicted I realized it myself hey I want to work through this hey I want to get to the other side of this together I want to work through conflict to deeper unity together whatever this obstacle is let's get over it together he said and then I saw in her that same resolve that if one person has not resolved in the other doesn't it's not gonna work he said I saw in both of us internally I want to make this work I want to make this work good then I'm not just fighting for victory in an argument I'm fighting for victory for us in the argument that we grip hands and move through conflict into deeper unity I saw a resolve within us I saw a love that overcomes trials and can withstand temptations and that's the kind of love you need that's how they pick Navy SEALs Navy SEALs when you want to go into it you go through buds this grueling process where they winnow out who's gonna really be a seal and who's not and as men go in to try to be seals a hundred percent of them are tested and physically can handle the demands of buds and yet there's a 75% dropout rate why because they get these guys in there and they dump them in icy cold water again and again and again and then they throw them in the icy ocean pull them out make them roll around in the sand and get crusty from head to toe and then run down the beach and then run back and dive in icy water and then they make them do that whole thing and again and again and while they're doing that what are they testing resolve they're testing that some guys go you know I like the idea of being a seal but cold waters lame and this job involves a lot of cold water and I don't like sand in my shorts and this job has a lot of sand and you know maybe I like the idea being tough but I don't really like this job and meanwhile while they're doing that constantly instructors are offering them a blanket a towel a Snickers bar all you got to do is say yes to that walkover and ring this little bell and you're gone and they constantly put in front of them trials and temptations pressure to make you go I don't want it it's not worth it and then allurements to say I would rather go there and some guys ring the bell and say I don't want it other guys say you know what I want it and keep bringing it I will not stay away love is stronger than death and jealousy fiercer than the grave and they realize we're gonna kill these guys we'd better stop let's make them seals that's how it works and love is the same way Song of Solomon says it this way many waters cannot quench love neither can floods drown it how do you know real love it withstands temptation it stands trials when we have difficulty in trials I will overcome them when we disagree we work through it when we come to major issues we talk about it and resolve it that we would stay in trials and then it says if a man is offered for love all the wealth of this house he would be utterly despised he says no trial will overcome it no temptation will seduce it that's how you know so when you're dating someone that's why you evaluate just watch him when y'all begin to disagree do they suddenly stop calling stop texting that's good useful information maybe that's not the guy let an old girlfriend come back to town let someone you always thought was cute suddenly take interest in you and just watch see what happens if they start working something on the side good information in the evaluating this isn't a person I want to link up with forever how do you know true love no trial can shake it no temptation can eluard get away from me back away we have true love you think this happens every day that's how you know you got it that you sense within yourself and the other person a resolve to MIT even when it's hard when you get married you will stand on a stage in front of God and everyone in declare I promise to love you in sickness and health until death do us part in the name of the Father Son and Holy Spirit you will take the name of the Trinity and let me tell you something you don't want to make a statement like that and hope it's true you want those words to be the exact reflection of what you already know is in your heart you want to look them in the face and mean it under God so you need to see within yourself while you're dating a commitment a resolve to stay even when it's hard but you don't just need a resolve to commit you need a growing skill of communication that's the next thing you need the skill of communication you need to know how to talk you need to know how to resolve when things are hard you can be infatuated with one another but if you disagree if one of you yells that has harsh words that are like thrusts of a sword proverbs says that's a dangerous person to live with or if you have someone that freezes you out and you're constantly having to guess why are you mad what's going on oh my god and they make you guess what's wrong with them that's not healthy that's cancer you need someone that says hey I've resolved for commitment for unity and we've grown skill of how to talk to each other to work this thing out it's interesting you watch this couple disagree you see later in their marriage that he comes to her and he's calling her my darling my love my beautiful one and you go what's he into today right and he said his shows up late at night and she says basically I'm not in the mood I got a headache I'm tired and so he leaves the room and you see her get concerned that he's mad and so she goes to the door and in the beautiful poetry of the book she says my beloved put his hand to the latch my heart was thrilled within me I arose to open to my beloved and my hands dripped with myrrh my fingers with liquid myrrh on the handles of the bolt when she refused him and rebuffed him he did not come back and anger but he left blessing behind one of the most expensive perfumes and fragrances you could put down there even in the midst of disagreement there's a sweetness and a kindness with him towards her that they have a way to communicate that moves you towards unity not away from it harsh words are like the thrust of a sword but the of the wise brings healing a gentle tongue is a tree of life but perverseness breaks the spirit you want someone that the way they use their mouth is a tree of life and I would just say we're out of time to do a whole talk of communication I would say when you disagree with someone and this works everywhere in life by the way you want to focus on their actions and how you feel the only two things you can really know their actions and how you feel you don't know their motives so don't do that and that's what I see many couples do you're trying to make me look stupid you were trying to make me look bad you're trying to embarrass me you're ascribing motive to that person you don't know that what you need to focus on is hey when you did that thing it made me feel this way when you made fun of me in front of that group it made me feel like you will ditch me for the approval of the crowd and that makes me not want to trust you and I don't like that you need to be able to say when you did that this is how I feel you need to figure out how to communicate and in dating you don't really know each other very well but as you progress through dating and you get closer you will hit these moments where you realize we disagree and if we don't have the skill of communication we won't make it I member for Donna and I early on when we got into that moment where it was time to meet the families this was an important moment and I remember for me I brought her to meet my Italian relatives in San Antonio Texas and I understood that my Italian family when you come to bring him that's a very big deal and for them love is about quantity time so when you go to visit the family that's three four days right and the way it works is you hang out and you have a meal then you hang out some more and you talk and then you move around rooms and hang out with different ones and then when it's about a day before it's time to go you go well I better get going and that launches a bunch of conversations they meant to have and then you move to a room that's close to the door and more conversations ensue and then you move to another room and more ensue and then you get out into the car and they physically hold on to the car and grandpa would pop the hood and start changing things grandpa please - okay and then they're jacking up the car and you're still talking and one of them's gripping the window and slowly over the course of several days you make your way out of the house and so I remember when I showed up that's normal so I brought Donna and an hour in to dinner she's texting her brother and I said what are you doing she said I'm making plans with my brother for later tonight cuz he lives in town and for me all that communicated was you hate my family I brought you here to show you off and you can't get out of here fast enough and I thought really you're gonna bet you haven't been here two hours you're trying to hurry up out the door and for me that was entirely about what's what's your problem you got an attitude problem and I don't really like it because these people these are my family we're gonna be together forever and if you can't stand to be around or how can I be knit together with you this all feels bad it was a difficult thing until I remember we did a holiday was her family and we did Thanksgiving at her grandma's house but I remember we showed up there Thanksgiving dinner was out we all came in a dinner together about an hour into the meal grandma stood up and said all right everyone thanks for coming we're like what and then she showed everyone to the door not sure this out I'm like wait a minute it's only day one what is happening and I realized that's it for them Thanksgiving is a meal meal has been consumed see you next year and I realized if I would have just focused on her motive you hate my family you don't like them you're a bad person you don't care about people the relationship would have broke but rather I said when you called your brother that made me feel like you don't want to be around my family and she was like know that what I love your family I just thought we had dinner with them we'd catch up with my brother later and I'm like no you know love equals five days like five four maybe but I realized it wasn't a moral issue right or wrong it was just different but if we had bad communication we wouldn't have made it and some of you you have someone you're infatuated with but y'all haven't figured out the skill of communication and you are thrusting swords at one another with your words and your relationship will not flourish or you freeze each other out in a really unhealthy way of dealing with one another you can't do that we have to speak in a way that gives life and that means discovering things about yourself I know for me I realized I had a real sensitivity to being made fun of in public by my wife because for me I'm like no one's tighter than this circle so when you diminish me in front other people it's not even ego thing it just makes me realize you would ditch me for other people and I don't know that I like that I'm like let's let's always speak well of each other to other people if we have a conflict let's talk about it later but but but don't try to embarrass me for the name of a joke and I didn't realize that was a thing with me but I had to discover that myself but if we hadn't developed the skill of communication we wouldn't Amade it past that barrier that's something you need to see can we talk in a way that creates not just victory in the argument but unity in the relationship you need to get that right the next thing I would say is you need to survive a moment of confession survive a moment of confession what I read in Chapter two was an interesting moment in the courtship of this couple what you saw was an initial excitement there getting to know each other they've become friends she calls him haloo my best friend and yet as they get closer we get to this moment where he says something very particular to her he says o my dove in the cleft of the rock in the crannies of the cliff let me see your face let me hear your voice your voice is sweet your faith or your form is lovely guys what position is she in he presents her has way up and far away in the crannies of Iraq and he pictures her as a dove a beautiful but tender and fragile creature so what does he do I will scale up and grab my doves no what does he do he calls to her and invites her show me more of you come towards me his way of leaning towards her is with his words and he invites he initiates he compliments he shares his heart I want to be with you I want to be near you but then he lets her respond he's asking her to show more of herself and that's a delicate thing and that's really what dating and into engagement becomes intimacy requires vulnerability to really be known means I really need to share myself not just the best parts that you put forward on date one I'll go get her and I never stop and I love adventure and I love travel and okay after all that's done let me really get to know what makes you tick and as I get more vulnerable there's a propensity for more intimacy and a propensity for more damage it's a dangerous place and so what I tell people is hey if you don't feel like you're financially or emotionally ready to get married in the next six months don't go call and doves out of the rock and trying to grab hold of her emotionally that's it that's a dangerous and cruel thing to do to people men can really harm women physically we know that much of the damage physically done to him in our country is by men they know men can be dangerous with their strength or they can be loving with it they can be kind and tender with it there's a sensitivity to women Peter will call them the weaker vessel and by that he doesn't mean constitutionally you can't handle the pressure he's talking about something like porcelain it doesn't mean it's less valuable than men it means it's more so I don't use my iPad to dig a trench right that that it's even more valuable than my shovel and Peter says a woman is a valuable precious thing you be tender with your strengths men you be gentle and as you're getting to know someone you decide am I ready to begin to interact with her emotionally then let me call the dev out and as you do that let me say what that means is you will risk vulnerability and I would say in that risk of vulnerability you have to share all that you were before and I think there's a moment and I don't think it's drawn out over months and weeks and years I think there's a moment maybe one big conversation maybe a couple after where you say hey before we progress to the next level I need to tell you who I used to be and you need to share with them a lot about your story the depths of who you are because here's the thing she can take an imperfect man but she can't take a liar she needs to know you and I know some of us here this men and women and you go whoa whoa whoa whoa my past is my business that's my story they don't need to know that I get to control that but let me tell you something why do you want to be married it's because you want to be fully known you want someone to know you down to the depths and love you fully anyway that's the beautiful thing she says later my I am My Beloved's and he is mine she said I am his he owns me and I am he is mine i we love in our knit together in the tightest way you don't want to constantly have to redact stories about your past with the person closest to you they need to know all of you now let me say don't do that on the first date and don't do it on subsequent dates but as you get pro Qing you need to say hey here's some things that you need to know about me that I'm not real proud of and some of you go why would I do that well it's signals that you trust the other person I can trust you with these things about my heart in my past and not just that it creates the potential for powerful healing proverbs 28 says whoever conceals his transgressions will not prosper but whoever confesses and forsakes will obtain mercy obtain mercy some of you ladies a guy when you get close he will tell you about abuse he suffered as a boy that he never shared with anybody else some of you guys she'll tell you the same thing tragic horrible things done to her and then all of us are gonna talk about the things we did that were wrong that hurt people that messed up were mistakes no one is pure in this place and we'll have to present these things to that person why would we do that we do it because it's signals that we trust him I can trust you with the delicate things in my heart and we do it because it has the potential for powerful healing proverbs 28:13 says whoever conceals transgression will not prosper but he who confesses and forsakes them for it finds mercy that if you can say to someone these are the things I did in my past I'm not proud of him but God changed me and I've walked away from him if that person can hear all of that and say that saddens me it pains me but I forgive you and I love you and I want you that empathy dissolves so much shame and to confess and forsake and find mercy is what we want this person now knows all of me and still wants me I am My Beloved's and is mine that's the other benefit it creates bonding when you realize this person knows all of me and can handle that like a treasure you will hold them close and say nothing in this world gets between me and you and you will create a tight bond that you are meant to we want that and ladies if you've confessed the deepest things in your heart and that guy can't forgive you praise God you figured that out before you got married because if he won't forgive you for what you did to somebody else how is he gonna forgive you for what you do to him and guys it's the same way as you can share more of yourself if she can't forgive you for your past good riddance because you want someone who's like Jesus what was Jesus like he saw us at our worst while we were enemies Christ died for us while we were sinners he came running to us he knows every dark broken sad thing about you and he is running towards you he loves you he was constantly moving towards the sinner so that religious people like what are you doing why are you going to their parties why are you hanging out in their clubs why are you doing these things he said because I've come for the sick I don't see their sickness new he said I came for it he said I want to love you even at your worst I want to forgive and cleanse you what does it say he did to his bride in Ephesians chapter 5 it says that he washes her with the word so she will be without blemish and without spot he is gonna love us and his love makes us more beautiful that's why we sing if you wonder why do Christians sing cuz I gotta do something at the top end to get us in the mood to hear a guy talk that's not what we do you sing to celebrate what are we celebrating a God forgives a God who knows everything and loves us still a God who gave everything before we gave him anything back a God who loved us with abandon that's what Jesus did on the cross it was a declaration of love I am giving all of myself for you and when someone does that you want to give all of yourself back and what we will bring him is dirty and broken and sad but he will make beauty out of broken things that's the God we serve you want someone who will love you like that they will see you and say I'm gonna forgive one another just as Christ forgave us what Colossians will say you want someone like that and when you survive that moment you will say my beloved is mine and I am his and then when you confess that deeply then it just becomes a matter of how fast can we get engaged to get that ring on because the closer you feel emotionally the closer you're gonna want to get those bodies right and that's why they say catch the foxes for us the little foxes that spoil the vineyard the vineyard and our blossoms the vineyard often is presented as her body or it's often presented as their love and they say as our love is beginning to grow they call it to the community protect us protect us from things that would damage us protect us from going too fast physically while we're still evaluating are we a match emotionally protect us from not communicating well so we hurt each other when we should help each other they call for the community and that's the last thing you want the approval of the community you want people around you to help you and to see that this is right you want people to surround you that will promote this unity and say this is a good thing you want people around you that will extol it you want him around here to help you evaluate we talked about that last week that in the Song of Solomon only four people speak God the beloved the lover the beloved and her friends because there's a principle there if you want to be her lover you gotta get with her friends right cuz she knows they know she's infatuated but they say rightly do you love him they help her evaluate and then they help you catch the foxes I know for Donna and I as we were getting to know each other I was attracted to her physically but I didn't know if I could trust her with all my heart we weren't sure but we were hanging out and so we would want to do movie night but I wasn't gonna go to her apartment by herself she lived alone and I was like man I'm not evil apartments aren't evil but you get me in there alone with you I'm gonna get evil like I just can't like wait a minute we're not sure for the one and so let's wait and so we would go to my apartment cuz I had a roommate and we would watch movies together there's three of us on the couch and it would be me and Donna and Justin was my roommate and his last name was case and so we always had him there just in case just in case people think I make that up I don't he's a real guy and he was really there for us and we loved him and Donna had some guys Donna had a big former Navy SEAL that used to pick me up by my arms because he loved Donna and he said I don't want a guy to just fool around with her body and play with her heart and not really love her because he loved her so when I would come into town he would grab me and pick me up you said are you being good to her are you taking care of her like yes sir yes sir I am no I have yes sir yes sir right and then he would put me down and we would sit together and he would cry talking about the beauty of marriage that he had had a difficult life but God forgave him and healed him he had a marriage where they loved each other like Jesus loved the church they had something beautiful and he wanted us that for us too and the community surrounded us and they made us better they made us something we could have never been on our own so you want to feel that attraction is there excitement you want to see but is it life is it making us love God more you want to see resolve I want to work through the conflict and you want to see the skill of communication and we're figuring out how to do that you win a survive confession you're knowing more of me and I can trust you with my heart and then you want the community to say rightly do the maidens love you this is good and when you know all that I remember for me sitting in that library and saying Ben are you really ready to cash out on singleness do you really trust this girl and it was an amazing thing for me to evaluate like that and find in the depths of me yes yes she loves me and I love her and she is better and I choose her and I'm gonna love her till death do us part and I'm gonna love her like Christ loved the church because I know she loves me the way Jesus loves me that she forgave me of all that I've done in the past and all the wrong I had done for her she loved me even when my brokenness became painfully and embarrassingly apparent and courtship she was gentle with me we loved each other like Jesus loves you today so let's get that relationship right first let's get a relationship with God right where you know what it is to be forgiven and loved and cherished by your maker let him change you to make you a well of living water and then let's speak to one another with kindness and let's help each other pair off and the beautiful dance of courtship God created so that we can be a community of healthy marriages and healthy families in a healthy City where we love one another well

Channel: Passion City Church DC

Views: 356,808

Rating: 4.9534426 out of 5

Keywords: louie giglio, passion city church, passion church, passion city church worship, louie giglio sermons, passion city, giglio louie, louie giglio 2019, city church, passion, giglio, passion city church sermons, Ben Stuart, Dating, Singleness, engagement, how to get engaged, marriage

Id: 3gQmEFNUqvQ

Length: 43min 51sec (2631 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 03 2019