Biblical Romance Practical Principles in Marriage

well good morning that was kind of lame good morning now I feel like you're excited to be here if you have our Bibles would you please open them up to Ephesians chapter 5 if you were here last week we went through that passage very theological Ian's doctrinally and we're gonna re-engage it again today but we're gonna do so much more practically as we continue a series that we've been in for a couple months now entitled biblical romance what we've been doing is looking at the most important relationship that most of us will ever have and in looking at it biblically some godly principles that God wants us to understand now these two weeks last week and this week we're kind of out of the book of Song of Solomon we're gonna dive back into it the next few weeks but we wanted to look at some New Testament principles that are really important to understand but the book of Song of Solomon is kind of like this beautiful snapshot of what this relationship ought to look like from beginning to end the ideal meaning we're all gonna fall short here and there along the way because it's perfection looking at godly principles for this relationship for what we should be attracted to godly character even before we begin to date and then dating and courtship and looking at principles for a godly marriage now last week we unpacked Ephesians chapter 5 and we looked at biblical roles that God wants us to play in our marriages and it was based on gender based on men and women and these roles one is not important than the other one is not better than the other they are equal but different and understanding that and then and then actually applying it to our life allow us as believers not just to survive marriage in which a lot of people that's all they're doing they're just barely surviving but when we understand these principles and apply them to our life they actually allow us to thrive within it now a major thrust of last week was reminding ourselves that we as men and women are different and it's not just physically which by the way if I have to kind of explain to you or sell you on the fact that we're different physically I probably can't help you this morning but beyond that the reason why we address is because it's we're different beyond just physically the world today is trying to say besides physically we're just the same but that's just simply not true it's important that we remind ourselves that we are different because what happens when we get into marriage is sometimes without doing it on purpose accidentally we place expectations on our spouses that are almost impossible for the other person to meet not just because of past experiences personality abilities or effort they can't meet it simply because they are a man or a woman and they're not made that way as an example in case you did not know men and women are different verbally and it's not just by effort or desire scientific physiological differences studies have been done that show us that in the womb female their left hemisphere of their brain they progress and develop much faster than the male's left hemisphere in case you're wondering the left hemisphere is where verbal skills originate in fact another study done of three-year-olds they recorded them at play the study found that almost a hundred percent of the girls sounds were understandable verbal expressions 50 percent of the boys sounds were unintelligible noises like tend to what we like to do so we grow into adulthood and there's actually a physiological reason why we communicate different if this is not understood lovingly address in at times lovingly way given what can happen in a relationship between a man and a woman is one is giving all the effort and really trying but not meeting need and so they feel like it can never be enough and the other one at the same time might feel neglected and isolated the reason why it's important to remind ourselves of these differences is if they're not taken into account it can really become a breakdown of a marriage because if we don't take them into account there can be grave misunderstandings for instance women in the room I promise you there's been a time in your marriage where your van has actually tried to be what you need them to be in a situation but many guys by nature just don't know how to emotionally support you in a way that you want to be supported and so you may have felt incredibly let down or even hurt and maybe even express that to him in part of him sight frustrated cuz like man I really tried that time why should I even try if it doesn't work at all now listen for us men in the room that's not an excuse to just simply say well I'm not made that way we need to work at it we need to get better but for most men it's just not natural we also need to take an account because we're different if we don't take this into account that we're different we can have unmet expectations because we're different sometimes we're expecting something honestly that the other person cannot deliver at least deliver in a way that we want just simply because we're different and as we have these differences as these expectations are not met what is human nature is just to assume it's the other person's fault and then what happens is these differences that first attracted us to each other begin to get on our nerves and divide and what we do like Adam and Eve is blame the other person it's her fault it's his fault if we don't take these differences into account because we're different we may never learn to how to love our spouse love them in such a way that they actually feel loved see I've seen it before it's actually incredibly sad where you have a young couple 5 10 years into a relationship and each of them is actually really trying to love their spouse but because they really do speak a bit of a different language they're not feeling loved there's a book out there if you've never read it before if you're been married a long time it's still good but especially if you're single or you know young into your marriage I would encourage you to read the 5-lug love languages by Gary Chapman Holly and I read somewhat by accident six months into marriage everything was going great we're kind of an you know new marital bliss but it was a game changer for us because we really did learn that we speak a different love language for Holly she's she's definitely deep intimate conversation is how she feels connected and loved I on the other hand it's kind of a servant by nature I like to do things around the house I like to maybe pick up the slack and come alongside her and do things for her that's how I speak love but if we never learned that the other one is speaking a bit of a different language we might have been missing each other even though we were really trying to love one another now as we looked at this last week we unpacked Ephesians very doctrinally and theologically which are vital because proper behavior almost always begins with proper doctrinal belief but we can't just leave it intellectually understood for it to make a difference in our lives we must always take the theological and make it practical and so today I'd like to try to inject into the passage some ways that we can practically live live out these principles now these practical principles are based upon a generality so it's generally speaking not always and not a hundred percent every man and every woman but generally speaking the Ephesians a passage was addressing that again generally speaking women feel loved and appreciated when they are cherished when they're adored and men typically generally speaking feel loved and appreciated when they are respected and praised so as the passage begins last week we looked at Ephesians 5:22 he says wives submit to your husband's as to the Lord now I don't have to the time to address this again this morning if you were not here last week don't jump to conclusions listen to the message download the app listen to the message you might be surprised at what it really means but how do we actually live this out let me give you a few suggestions so women to live this out number one be your husband's biggest fan Ephesians 4:29 says this do not let unwholesome talk about arouse but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs let me ladies in the room if you're married let me ask you a question if your friends only knew your husband by what you said about him how you talked about him what would they think of him if they never met him want you to think about that for a second unfortunately for many of us men and women both of us oftentimes it's easier for us to complain about our spouse instead of complementing even if you're really struggling right now in your marriage find something that he does well and tell him all men it's just a reality we have a deep need admired he wants to know that you value him that you respect what he does that you're proud of him this has nothing to do with a weak ego admiration is a god-given way to give and receive love conversely negative comments about his work about his performance about what he's trying to do hurt men deeply listen ladies if your man only hears from you what he isn't doing well if he feels as though you do not respect him for what he does what he does around the house what he does for the kids what he does for a living how at least that he's trying to provide for the family the list goes on and on he will not feel loved by you and then it's very difficult for him to in turn then cherish you be affectionate with you and so when you have the opportunity tell him what he does well brag about him in public it goes a long way secondly let your husband have some fun now let me explain this some of you ladies already know this but it's become incredibly annoying to you but for most of us men not every guys this way but most men we still have a ten-year-old boy inside of us now guys in the room there's time to grow up there's time to be a man we have to be responsible we have to take care of what we need to take care of but ladies you will never know how much weight is on the shoulders of most men to be leaders and providers of their families and because of this all men at times need to be able to let off some steam in some ways to you that might seem incredibly silly or ridiculous why guys go camping it's an excuse to roll around in the dirt why we fix cars ride motorcycles get boats go golfing play baseball jump off that cliff wrestle with you when you don't want to be wrestled with when you walk by snap you with that towel I promise your husband will be better for you if you at times give him the freedom to act like a crazy little boy now men in the room there's a important thing you need to hear in that sentence what might it be at times at times we need to act this way where I golf on a regular basis there's actually incredibly sad term they throw around they're there these ladies that call themselves the golf widow it's not because they lost her husband it's because their husband's any second they have a chance besides work they go out and golf that's not good either but there would be a clearly communicated freedom between the two of you that at times with no strings attached they can go out and have some fun and whatever they are doing when it when they are doing it there is nothing but full support from you there's not some unspoken understanding that he's gonna have to pay for it later because then he's not even gonna enjoy the time and then it's just kind of a waste of time for everybody and let me just kind of add a caveat to it if if he invites you to come along that every once in a while even though it might not be something that you enjoy that you would do it because again this might sound weird to you many guys love language is not actually talking it's actually doing something with you that they enjoy men feel in love and companionship thirdly provide a peaceful home proverbs 17 one says better a dry crust with peace and quiet than a full house of feasting with strife translation it's better to be poor and have a peaceful home than be rich and fighting all the time for many men they work when you know very hard all day and if coming home is just more stressful than work overtime what do you think he's gonna do he's gonna find reasons to stay at work would you say that your home is stress reducing or stress producing now I know it's difficult to create a peaceful stress-free loving environment in this day and age especially when many of you both of you are working to career families most of us have you know our kids an incredible amount of activities and listen I'm not just saying it to the women in the room I'm speaking to men it's a it's a team effort but for ladies in the room I want you to be mindful of it because by and large women tend to be managers of the home what can you do to possibly reduce stress at home not add to it might be something that you do talk about later today or talk about it a date night that you brainstorm some ways that both of you can produce more peace in the house and listen to me for some of you this might be hard to hear it might mean that your kids aren't involved in every activity Under the Sun I've seen it I've seen so many families get so involved especially in what this travel sports these days and really in the end they're hardly even going to church anymore and basically they've turned sport into a lowercase G God as if their kids going pro I hate to break it to you your kids not going pro and what you're doing to the entire family is you're teaching them priorities you're teaching them what is most important now for us men he starts to speak to us in verse 25 he says love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her I want you to think about that for a second what a huge call what are some practical things that you can do to actually live this out number one be the spiritual leader of your house be the spiritual leader of your family now you may not know what that really looks like so I would encourage you to be discipled go to men's group grow it in your faith Ephesians says present her to Christ holy and blameless now there's a variety of ways I believe you can do this you know Holly and I quite a few times we've tried to do a Bible study together and for whatever reason that just doesn't work for us some of you guys are like whoa that's good to hear now I'm not saying that it can't work it can actually be incredibly beneficial my point is I believe spiritual leadership can take many forms let me give you some suggestions one put her in situations where she can grow where she can spiritually grow that might mean do a Bible study together but for me what I do is support her spiritual growth for instance fruit for us it's not uncommon at all for me to to stay home and hang out with the kids or take responsibility or get them to where they need to be so Holly can engage in her spirituality such things as she might just go out to Starbucks and just spend some time with God she might take a class get to a Bible study meet with some girls have an opportunity to serve God in a variety of ways whatever she needs for her spiritual growth she knows she has my full support secondly in spiritual leadership set a godly example I'll never forget this years ago when I was I was 26 27 youth pastor of a high school group and it was going really well when I took over about sixty kids at this time had grown to like 220 kids showing up on a weekly basis Friday nights were getting like 500 kids kids were accepting Christ on a regular basis we had some 30 small groups all over the city it was really growing whose going really well and I never gave his one dad you wanted to meet with me and he he basically spent a half an hour telling me how terrible the youth group is for all these reasons because his kids didn't want to come now while he was talking about it what I really want to say the reason why your kids don't want to come more than anything it's because they're all about sports and partying on the weekends and girls but I didn't say that I just listened but after a little while I finally said do you think there might be another reason why they might not come and he said what what what might that be I said well might it be because you never go to church now he didn't like that very much it actually got pretty upset with me but I told him I say hey let me just love on you a little bit you haven't been in church in over a year so how can you expect your kids to come to church and want to come to church when you're staying at home watching football every Sunday listen you just need to hear this man by and large the kids are gonna want to do what dad is doing they're gonna follow you whatever that might be set a godly example and part of that is take responsibility for your own spiritual growth are you reading the word are you doing Bible studies are you growing in your faith are you praying you cannot leave your families where you are not going and then share your journey I promise spark conversation say something like hey man this is what I've been reading this is the Bible study I know man this is how it's impacting me well some of you ladies you know you might pass out when he does this but you'll come back to and then they're all in most of them are longing to have this kind of conversation and honestly it's one of my weaknesses it's a lot of people think because I preach I'm this great communicator honestly standing up in front of a crowd is easy for me sit in front of one other person and opening up my heart is very very difficult and it's not about machoism it's not about that I just don't really know how to do it to be honest with you I'm not very good at in fact my worst spiritual discipline without a doubt is prayer and it's not because I don't want to do it or don't believe in it it's because that's when I have to actually open up and be vulnerable before God but I know my wife my wife needs this it's when she feels connected asked them you know what are you learning what are you reading where are you spiritually let your kids see you open up the Bible and read it do a Bible study in front of them pray Holly and I she actually the one that put it up there but she has this list it says how to pray for kids it's got a list of ways to pray for our kids it's sorry to offend you but it's it's on our bathroom door so we see it all the time and when we're looking at it I pray regularly I read this years ago and I don't remember what book I read it in but it said I want you to write down how you want your son to look spiritually when he's 25 years old so I spent some time writing all these things and then it off I didn't see but right underneath that it asked a simple question are you praying for this that hit me really hard secondly and then assigned top priority to your marriage again last week's passage again I can't unpack it right now it it tells women to submit to their husbands to the Lord can be hard for something here if you don't understand what that really means but I don't know if I've ever met a woman who has a problem kind of coming up underneath the biblical spiritual leadership of a man who will love her as Christ loved the church the question I have for every husband in this room is this where do you think your wife would say she falls on your priority list does she have to compete with your friends does she have to compete with your hobby does she have to compete with work does she have to fight you know the TV for your attention does she feel left out of your day that she felt left out of your dreams I know there's been days where Holly is felt that way you know why I know that because she told me I can't ignore that but some of you don't know that's how your wife is feeling ask her be a man and say man where do you fall where do you think you fall on my priority list think about this way when you first started dating where do you think your wife would have said she falls on your prior list probably number one or else you wouldn't have been dating much longer it's really interesting that we as men you know we we often and the dating contacts were relationship geniuses and then we get married and we become relationship offs put her at the top again and you do this by doing what you did at first thirdly dare to show affection specifically verbally proverbs 16 24 says Pleasant words or a honeycomb sweet to the soul and healing to the bones now some women you you look at us guys and how we try to show affection to one another and you think man they don't know how to do it you know when we give hugs it's almost always the first we crush the hand and then we kind of go around if we give a full hug you got to have the pat that's the unwritten rule there's never an embrace between you guys that never happens you know I have a huge group of friends that when I walk into the golf you know Pro Shop or the club or whatever they it's little Jesse and but a lot of people like man they're ripping on it's a total term of affection it means the world to me they see you know people guys see each other hey ugly hey Baldy it's like I love that guy he's the best so you might not think he's very good at it but it's not completely true men in the room do you remember when you were engaged when you're first married most of you could tell your wife a hundred times a day in a hundred different ways that you loved her our wives need us to show them that we love him but they also need to hear it when she comes out and she looks hot tell her compliment her on something she's done you know around the house here's a big one express appreciation for the little thing she does all the time that usually go unnoticed and unappreciated you know we just had Valentine's Day and a lot of us guys in the room he went out bought a card and got some flowers or whatever and you give it to me but the problem with that is you kind of had to what if you did it on a random day in July maybe even mark it now put in your calendar and you just go out and buy a card and spend some time saying you know what these are the things that I'm really thankful for you in my life I know I don't say it enough but I love you and I'm thankful for you I promise you that will change your relationship and beyond words and I'm not talking about sex but be physically affectionate now I'm not saying PDA don't make out in the mall that's not good for anybody but yeah you're walking down you know you're shopping wheat for hand when you go to a movie I know it's hard for you but pull up that divider and cuddle a little bit maybe give her a five-minute massage when she's watching TV beat affectionately in love doesn't have to go away number four men listen to understand without giving unwanted advice dun-dun-duh proverbs 18:13 says he who answers before listening that is his folly in his shame when I do a marital counting which I only do maybe a time or two because I'm not a professional counselor it's usually when there's kind of mire minor irritations but without a doubt it's almost the same thing over and over and over again she'll say something like you know he just never listens to me he doesn't understand where I'm coming from and a lot of times he's sitting there looking at me like what I listen all the time she's tells these stories and stories and stories and stories and I can repeat back to her verbatim what she said I'm listening typically what's happening is as women tend to share how they're feeling about a particular situation or problem they don't want your advice they don't want you to solve it she could probably solve it herself she's looking for her friend her best friend in life to understand what she's going through what she's feeling she wants your advice she'll ask for it she might ignore it but she'll ask for it fifth by and large women desperately want to feel secure how what kind of security should we bring one is financial security now listen she doesn't need to be rich she doesn't need you to be rich she needs you to be responsible she needs to know that you're working hard doing what you can to provide let me take a sidestep this isn't just in life if you're 20 some-odd you're old and 250 year old and you're married I have a really important question for you especially if you have kids do you have life insurance now listen I'm not a insurance salesman I get no Commission whatsoever but I cannot tell you how many times I've come across a family a young family who's lost their husband at 30 35 years old he's leaving a wife to three kids at home and she's broken not only because she lost her husband and her father but there's this undercurrent of fear and anxiety because he's left her with the house cars bills three kids and no way to take care of it but again I'm not selling you on anything but they say for 35 year-old somewhat healthy guy it's like $400 a year for about a million dollar policy what's a million dollar sounds like oh my gosh that's so much money when you're paying off a house and cars and getting kids where they need to get to and you got college and you got all this stuff coming up take care of your family not only in life but in your possible death also give her physical security and this I'm not talking about you would fight for I'm saying that she knows you're a one-woman man she knows that when you're off with your buddies you're not hitting on other women that she's still beautiful to you she's still unique to you and you know it's hard for me to talk about this because I don't have time to really unpack it but we have a major epidemic taking place in our culture today and it's called pornography and I know many many men are struggling with it on one level or another in this room and I've sat down with a couple before and I've had guys actually say something like well I don't understand why it's such a big deal I still love her she's still pretty you have to understand when you're into that stuff she feels overlooked she feels like she can't compete she feels inadequate she feels like she can't satisfy a woman never feel so unattractive and in love when you're into that stuff give her emotional security she needs to know that she has you completely emotionally meaning you're not flirting with some old girlfriend on Facebook you know you might say yeah there's nothing there you'll never have an affair there's nothing physical but she needs to know that you are her one person you're you're faithful to her and your emotions as well I mean in with just a few statements that are true for all of us number one it's your job to love your spouse it's God's job to change them prayerfully allow God to change your spouse secondly every person is unique be an expert on how to love your spouse have you ever even asked I wonder have you ever just sat down and some of you're like don't do this to me right now you're gonna make me have to ask later have you ever just sat down and say how do you need me to love you what makes you feel loved by me is it words is it service is it security what what do you need from me and vice versa be an expert on your spouse thirdly successful marriages depend on you being the right person what I mean by this is control what you can control control your decisions your actions your responsibilities your spirituality too far too many times I see in a relationship one of them trying to parent the other person you can't be their parent destroys relationship control what you can control and then lastly this is a huge one especially honestly if you're single looking to get married the only person who can truly meet your deepest needs is Jesus Christ if you think you're gonna get married and all of a sudden you're gonna be able to say you complete me it's not really true and you're putting an expectation on that person that nobody can meet in fact I read once you know you're ready to get married when you can say I am completely and totally fulfilled in my relationship with Jesus Christ and I don't need anything more that's when you're ready for marriage because then you step into it and you're ready to be who God's called you to be amen let me pray God thank you so much for who you are and what you're doing in and amongst us again anytime we talk about marriage God I know I'm doing some toiling and there's some people that are really hurting in the relationship right now just so I just want to pray for them I want to I want to outloud say to everybody as I pray it's never too late that God is a God of miracles he wants to redeem your relationship and I would just pray Lord that wherever they are from a minor irritation - it's about to blow up that they would do something they would ignore it because the longer Lord we ignore these issues the bigger they get and the harder it is to fix the harder it is to deal with Lord allow us to be people of faith that we represent you well as Christians and a big part of that God is in our relationships in our marriages I pray for all those that single in the room Lord that you continue to prepare them to be the the man or woman of God that you call them to be so they'd be ready for this huge call in their life I pray in Jesus name and God's people said hey god bless you hope to see you next Sunday I want to remind you we have prayer wars that come up after the services it doesn't have to be anything to do with the message and they would love to pray with you if you're struggling with something god bless you see you next week

Channel: River City Christian

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Length: 29min 46sec (1786 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 19 2017