Bertcast # 485 - Shane Gillis & ME

hey guys brand new podcast and you're gonna love it today's guest wait i'm on tour i'm on tour right now in montgomery alabama augusta georgia charlottesville west virginia charleston north carolina atlanta georgia that's my first week on tour and then we pick it back up the very next week in cedar rapids iowa green bay wisconsin peoria illinois uh i know all these by heart halls and you don't need to scroll you know that's how my brain works i did a promo video maybe you saw it but if i map things out i [ __ ] 48 years old and i find out that if i map things out i can remember them all as i tell you my tour dates i'm just doing it based on me in the bus and where i drive to where i go like this it's [ __ ] bizarre sioux city then we go to austin and then we go to tampa and then from tampa to orlando orlando to tallahassee tallahassee jacksonville jacksonville to hollywood hollywood to fort myers fort myers to dc dc to boston boston and new york back to boston it's [ __ ] bizarre watch this uh i want to say it's tell me if i'm right i'm st louis yes uh chicago detroit uh milwaukee and then i think it's minneapolis at the orpheum yep and then rockford illinois cleveland ohio austin texas sugarland grand prairie uh i new orleans and then back to texas abilene el paso phoenix two shows in beth oh no redding south carol redding sacramento anaheim two shows and ant three shows in anaheim two shows of bethlehem and then i close out this tour this first leg new year's eve at the met in philadelphia in that bizarre yeah that i i wish i had done this earlier in life i found this out this is a great podcast i just want to share this with you because if you have to memorize stuff you have a hard time memorizing stuff this is what happened is when i was young and i auditioned um i could never memorize lines i had the hardest time memorizing lines but what it was i was memorizing them on a blank canvas all i was memorizing was the page itself i was memorizing the page and i and i i realized when i went to serbia and i did the machine that i would when i would think about my lines when we were doing rehearsals and try to memorize them i was actually thinking of the actual page and the indentations i go you know that paragraph that looks like this isn't that crazy very visual and i had a i was really afraid i wasn't going to remember my lines and then the very first day we blocked a scene and i went oh this is like a map and i know that i i did a post all about this but i want to go into detail because it wasn't until i was 48 that i realized i could memorize stuff by just putting it on a visual map and just going it goes to this to this to this to this and then just drawing the map by the way i don't know where cedar rapids is and i know that cedar rapids is here i know that green bay's here i know peoria i think peoria is just outside of chicago but i don't know that and i really don't know where sioux city is i think it's in i think the map would go here to here to here to here but i have no [ __ ] idea it doesn't matter the map is the tool to get you to remember the things and now i can memorize like crazy so i used to have a hard time with credit card numbers and now i can memorize credit card numbers it's like [ __ ] changed my life and it took me 48 years so i'm sharing this with you if you have a child that has a hard time memorizing like myself all growing up i never could memorize anything maybe find this i'm sure this is a technique online because i didn't discover it on my own i mean i i did discover it on my own but i'm certain that someone else has already thought this out or or at least a visual way to memorize but it's [ __ ] amazing regardless find me on tour that was my point those are my tour dates go to burberry.com and uh and that's my memory technique uh i hope it's um i hope you're having a great time i hope you're staying safe i hope you're feeling good about yourself i hope you are drinking this morning because this is a hard drinking podcast i'm certain you will notice a ton of indiscrepancies in this podcast because we get inarguably blackout drunk at 10 in the morning yeah at 10 in the morning we start off i start off with a prank i hope that's still in there and then we tell some off-color jokes that uh that don't make us laugh hopefully we're going to edit one or two of those i don't know what we're going to edit out um and then shane's like hey man can i have a drink and i was like [ __ ] yeah and we start putting them back by the way he was on his way to go do corolla the whole point of shane doing my podcast is i've had shane on the podcast before i love shane i've known shane for a long time we talk i don't even know if we talk about the snl thing so if you're looking for the snl thing it's not here it's here oh it is yeah oh it's here we talk about it um it's not something that i'm super curious about it is a reckless talking podcast so if you enjoy oh i know why i had them on shane has a special on youtube it's live in austin full special shane gillis you can find it on youtube go watch it more importantly watch it if you enjoy it share it um tell your friends about it that word of mouth really helps he's on tour he's doing clubs so go support live comedy find shane go see one of his shows and i hope you find him absolutely hilarious on this podcast today without further ado ladies and gentlemen my buddy shane gillis all right let's play a prank on shane who's probably never heard this song and when he walks in i'm going to be playing it um and tell him i just i was just messing around and just write all right songs like every now and then he's probably i bet he hasn't i bet he hasn't yeah yeah andrew said he's coming in with him right now really yeah [Music] the wind and the rain meet him up okay here we go rock me mama like a wagon wheel rock rock me mama anyway you feel hey all right prank on shane starts right i've got to stop this my arm is actually hurting you've got a time limit on that yeah i have a time limit on this all right so when we hear the door open prank on shane gillis starts we should probably get rid of the [ __ ] of the screen huh i can hide it you can hide it okay so yeah yeah okay the i get by i'm way i'm nervous i don't like pranks i don't like pranks it's not even a prank it's it's a kind of a prank by the way what the real prank would be if i played one of my songs that i wrote like mississippi licking mississippi licking [Music] [Music] [Music] grab your stick and come back really quick for that mississippi looking mississippi licking oh god damn it my [ __ ] hand's hurting so bad do you think i'll get signed do you think that anyone will be like i'd do a [ __ ] album with bert he can't i bet if i get him in there do some [ __ ] tighten up his vocals exercise chords you guys sell an album right i think of originally written songs by burke chrysler jeremiah did it did he jeremy that's right he did i ended up promoting that album yep um i remember one time we were thinking about doing a song called tito's and speedos cheetos and speedos how does it go i don't know well maybe i only know a few chords there we go wait okay you ready [Music] what's up [Music] any way you feel hey mama rocked me rock me mama like the wind and the rain rock me mama like a southbound train hey [Music] mama rock me what do you think [ __ ] gay it's a it's a song it's good it does no i know it's a real god damn it so i was like i was like i wonder if he'll know that we're rolling i was i was like i wonder if he'll know that it's a real song yeah and then he'll come in and be like god damn it that's good you are you're very good though i'm pretty good i'm actually a okay guitar player i wasn't abandoning it leaves a little to be desired [ __ ] that's the power you know you know i was i was a front man when in college i'm joking no i i'm well aware of my singing needs something what do you mean you know what's so funny i'm shaking nervous from doing that prank really yeah i'm not good at pranks i could not do prank shows i am shaking nervous why i have no idea i think it's gonna go bad like belushi and just smash it i don't like uh like in movies yeah when there's a guy lying in a movie and then and then everyone brings him in i turn it off yeah i actually fast forward through it and go i'm done watching this movie like when someone's about to get caught doing something i just can't watch it i had a hard time um i can't i can't lie like like if i'm i can stretch the truth i can make a story bigger that's what i do for a [ __ ] living but like a legit lie yeah oh i'm bad really a real lie meaning like i was just telling my friend about that i was like i i i'm not a bad liar but there's been a couple times in my life where i've lied where it's been like i was so bad at lying like so uh i like i when i tried to lie i was like no oh it was like it was like well blatant like i blink aggressively when i lie oh by the way i love your special this is another prank i'm shaking again by the way did you see how quick i did that i did it so quick because i thought of the joke in the middle and then i was like i was like i would be funny but i sincerely loved your special thank you i sincerely loved your special you liked the special olympics joke like um like two years ago i've talked about i've talked about that so often um i want to get back to talking about lying because yeah i am shaking right now but i want to talk about your special up front because i know what people listen to this and uh i love how you started your special i'm like i'm a connoisseur of specials meaning i'm ver i'm hyper aware of how it's presented to the viewer yeah because i have i think in subconsciously people go literally watch a special like caesar and go nope yeah like in the first minute yeah yeah i love that you started you just started your thing off with a joke thank you i loved it it was such a great way to just get me going just go very similar to the late and great nor macdonald hitler's dog yeah starts me with a joke yeah and then the thing's in and you're in i and then next thing you know and this is the brilliance of that with norms especially next thing you know you are 15 minutes into watching a special and didn't realize you even started yeah that was all the guys who made the special really yeah i mean i had some input but yeah yeah mckeever and a bunch of guys helped me make it john mckeever he's the guy who does the sketches with me oh which one is he the one that looks like he's really from [ __ ] pennsylvania he he he doesn't he doesn't act in a lot of ways which is crazy he's in the cop sketch he's the other cop his name's john mckeever he's like one of the more talented guys in comedy and he yeah he's the man yeah that's the guy he's really [ __ ] pennsylvania yeah he's great he's [ __ ] great dude those i want to talk to you about the ghillie and uh keith mckeever oh yeah oh my god yeah man how did i not know that that was the two names i didn't even recognize you as gilly yeah yeah gillis and mckeever oh my god so um but let's talk about special i i i [ __ ] loved it i really loved it i it was very loose it felt like you're at a club you weren't you didn't feel like you needed to be embarrassed no it wasn't but at the same time it was like watching stand up the way stand up were you the way you'd watch stand up did you intend it to look like that he did mckeever wanted it like that like he filmed those clips i put out the one the special olympics joke where it's like from the crowd a little and like intimate and uh that was yeah that was his idea and he he did it it was good i was happy with it that was that was one of my favorite when i was just talking to mark norman my favorite thing to do is to sit around with um comics and talk about other people's material that they like yeah like when comics are like oh have you heard uh yeah that's a joke one of the best ones to do is um what's the guy's friends with stan hope looks like a [ __ ] wild man uh every one of his friends no uh no not sam sam talent's one of them but uh there's walsh there's andy andrus no no the newer he's newer he's younger than everyone else oh i don't know he's younger god damn it he's got a great holocaust joke nice how does it get how does it go i want to get i don't want to steal his material yeah and i i wish i could find it i'll i'd just play his material on here um oh he's got long hair i want to say he's native american but he's not luis there's a junior stopka yes yeah yeah yeah junior stopka has a great type in junior stapa stop holocaust joke and see if we can find it it isn't like a good holocaust joke it's one of look it's right the thing is the reason the reason it's so funny is my daughters were like two l's and holocaust yeah we're not gonna find it um but uh my daughter said there's no such thing as a funny holocaust joke i was like that you can't you can't do that i actually got into a fight with them about it and i was like you can't do that and they were like dad it's not funny and i was like no everything's funny like you can find a way to make everything funny rosebud baker's got a great uh miscarriage joke like you everything is [ __ ] funny that's junior stopka and uh his joke is [ __ ] awesome and i don't want to tell it and get and [ __ ] it up and do it wrong and then him to be like that's actually yeah because i've done that before but um but okay stop scrolling so i'm gonna just look at the tv but that was that when we were we used your special olympics joke we told it again it was my favorite thing we woke up on the tour bus i think andrew my cousin was like we're talking about uh words you can't say and and ways to get away around it and andrew just goes oh my god have you seen shane gillis's uh special olympics joke and i was like no he was like it's [ __ ] awesome and i was like shut up what is it he goes i'll i'll tell it to you and he yeah kind of started telling me he goes let's just find it and then we found it and you i think you just put it out yeah and we were like oh my god and it's like my favorite thing to do but it's hard it's really hard to be able to write jokes so people can tell them back to other people definitely it's also hard to like work on that like that type of joke like that can go that takes a lot of like bad sense you feel like you're doing rogue yeah yeah yeah huh i thought it was funny you really thought that yeah you really thought that what that was one of my favorite that's like oh the way when joe doesn't get a joke is is almost better than it's actually better than when he gets a joke yeah like because he's i've sold him so many jokes and he goes why would you think that like i'm just telling you well i don't think that yeah it's funny to say you think that yeah yeah yeah yeah there was another one there's another one in that rogan thing that nobody caught or maybe they took it out i didn't watch it but there was one where i was like we were talking about the night stalker yeah did you watch that on netflix oh yeah well there was a part where the night sucker like broke into an old there was two old sisters yeah that were like 88 years old and the night soccer broke in in like the at mid-afternoon and killed him with a hammer i was like is that it's funny and he was like he was seriously he was like there's nothing funny about that i was like i was like well that's that's kind of why it's funny that's literally zero funny it's the best because because joe does have a great sense of humor of course but he he is on such a different wavelength at times where he is i think sometimes he's distracted or he's thinking about a million things even while you're talking to him sometimes and uh but those are my favorite those are my easily my favorite is that that one you said and i just figured i'll just go on rogan and he was like why would you think that oh that's so great that's by the way that's that's yo that's so joe yeah i've i remember saying one time i was like i was there's an early appearance and i was like i was like i don't know i have a joke about the ufc i don't think you like it you'd like it he goes why wouldn't i like it and i go i just didn't i wouldn't think you'd like it and he goes tell it to me and so i go um i think i think the ufc should change the rules and the match is over when the other guy [ __ ] the other guy in the ass and he goes why and i go and i'm already like this is going horribly and he goes and i go well i don't know how hard would you fight if your [ __ ] was on the line i think the fights would be better and he goes yeah that's a great joke and i was like you're not laughing yeah yeah yeah like when you said why in the middle why yeah i go and he goes it's a good joke i like that joke why would i like that joke can i go and then in my head i'm like it's not done but i'm not telling you yeah it's also important to be like well why do you think i wouldn't like that yeah like well and i'm like i don't know you're a commentator for ufc and you might see that and then i remember one time i was like hold on wait can we go back to what was yours that you didn't want to say oh yeah yeah sorry so uh you got i got mine yeah yeah please please do a black lives matter black lives matters i said that the world's changing and i think it's i i go i'm being honest and this is uh this is going to go so poorly i go i think it's our responsibility especially as white people to just listen right now as much as we can and not say anything and for me for my part i've been watching a lot of wild and now [Laughter] oh it didn't end there keep going i go uh and i go and personally uh if you watch enough wild enough you realize it's better when the white guy doesn't talk and so it's so oh that's a nice it's like a nice ending though it's not like nick cannon comes out anti-semitic the weak i write i'm doing it and i'm like god and so now all of a sudden it's just the the the tone has changed sure and i'm like [ __ ] it you could probably do that now no no now now i know one of the guys carlos miller really went not really well but i text with him all the time trying to i'm trying to get him to get me a car and so and and the i don't know if you know the 85 south show have you ever seen dude there needs to be a cross you want you want to break down racial barriers in this country and this is a real thought for a second this is a real thought yeah we need to start mixing our podcasts because we got so many white guy podcasts and there are so many straight up black dude podcasts we need to start like cross-pollinating so that our audiences who all get comedy realize oh they're like i guarantee you i guarantee you carlos miller uh dc young fly and chico bean would [ __ ] love you they're stand-ups they're stand-ups they're just stand-ups like yeah i mean they do more they're all actors they have i mean carlos is like [ __ ] i think he's like a entrepreneur but they're all comics right they're just comics and if they saw your comedy they'd be like you're funny as [ __ ] so then you go and do their show and then their show is that when they they do call it they do like arenas right now and but it's all oh dude yeah they are so [ __ ] big 85 so i've talked about them so much but their show is so good you just go smoking it's in atlanta smoke a blunt maybe have a drink just talk [ __ ] just talk [ __ ] and it's very casual like the first first um [Music] there's so many really great podcasts out there especially black dude podcast t-pain's got a podcast black dude podcast is like it's like but it's it's a genre i mean it really is and uh and i think that's the way what we should do is start switching over and get introducing our fans to them their fans to us you want to mix regular podcasts and black dude podcasts i didn't say regular normal regular and blacked it but by the way you know how much money we can make we shared our advertisings if they're like black guys shave their balls too i haven't heard a [ __ ] i haven't heard of what other ads would they run uh this is going to turn into a bit gone sideways so do you what are some other ads you would guess did you ever listen to ads on hip-hop stations uh no i'm a big hip-hop station guy right we didn't i was in mechanicsburg when i was listening to the radio we had no hip-hop the all the ads are like do you need a bail bondsman and you're like what the [ __ ] like swear to god those are the others now where they're like man are you tired of not getting a vaccine man homie i'm getting the vaccine dog it's like it's the most disgusting is that real yeah that's real dude they run ads targeted at black people that are like the most pandering horrible are you sad yes yes so sweet how many people in your family didn't get the vaccine uh i think they all did okay yeah so like who's not getting it i wasn't i wasn't you weren't for real i was the one person in my family though i don't think i'm gonna get it really well i had gotten covered i'd already gotten it and so you're like i was like i don't really need it and then once i hit how bad was your cobit not bad i got lucky yeah but it was uh yeah and then as soon as i had to do it i was just being lazy it wasn't like like i was doing the road i didn't feel like getting sick for two days or whatever the vaccine could have done yeah uh which it didn't i was fine uh but yeah then once the the comedy seller like required it i was like all right i'll get it it's interesting because you talk to it's funny the people that aren't getting vaccinated here are the liberals really yeah it's the same people that don't vaccinate their children really really liberal moms who who uh make have a goat and milk their own goat and organic well that's who was like the original anti-vaxxer yeah it was like the hippie yoga lady yeah oh then and they're still not getting back sure and it's it's funny to sit with a mom at a dinner table and get her to say no no no no i'm not getting back so my kids aren't getting vaccinated and and you just sit there and go so you voted for trump and she's like no you go hold on what's your politics and because how do you guys see eye to eye how do the hardcore like like uh like far right yeah and this hardcore far left all of a sudden see eye to eye on vaccines i don't know that's interesting it's crazy it's like it's yeah it's funny to see like white like militia dudes and black dudes like [ __ ] that yeah it's like nice dude that's the that's the right that's the unity we need there that is crazy is that maybe this vaccine will bring this country together and then all of us sheep in the middle who just got it day one i was i was like i got it so early i was afraid to tell people i got it really yeah oh yeah i got it in 2019 what no i'm kidding yeah it took me a second no i look like an idiot did your sister get the vaccine yes actually i don't know if she did she was going through like chemo yeah chemo cancer yeah and heroin and heroin but she's done with cocoa and cobalt yeah she hit the the holy trinity your family is like your family it seems to me like the you are the white people that they make documentaries on and no it's it's really i'm from like an i'm from like a nice neighborhood it's really yeah when you describe your sister it's great comics can can describe someone with a piece of clothing and you know the person yeah yeah yeah when you were like heinz wore jersey and pajama pants i was like i have seen that i know that person i've seen them at wawa's i've seen like i've you know them yes that's true holds their cigarettes and their hand and their and their cell phones all over pittsburgh the second you start the second you go west of where i'm from harrisburg yeah it's just steelers jerseys and pajama pants and like zubaz pants like you know the ones that are like uh i have them in this room oh really yeah it's just that austin can you grab my zuba's pants they're right there they're right when you walk in you'll take a ride ramps they're [ __ ] badass no they're this way this way this way bud in the gym they're uh they're [ __ ] bad yeah yeah yeah you wanna come work out i have uh i have my therapist that i have my therapist [ __ ] hurt my armpit i oh those are nice yeah seminals yeah oh i was just down there yeah i know facetime yeah i was a little bagged up i i was gonna wear them for the podcast but um my wife said my wife made me change for this really yeah she was like she was like don't you look like you're you're comfortable but everyone looks like you just got out of bed and i go i did yeah she was like yeah i know but not everyone's gonna be watching this when they just got out of bed yeah this goes and i bet shane didn't just get out of bed i did and i this is the first one i've worn pants on i've done so many [ __ ] podcasts i'm done really yeah i've tried everything every podcast which was a mistake no it's not a mistake did you do rogan to promote the special no i did rogan right after i recorded the special and i was in austin but yeah i didn't i didn't get to promote it yeah um who have you done you did i did did you do marin no that would be a good one yeah that'd be a good one you'd have to do all you'd want to talk about is snl yeah well that's all i've done because for the last 10 days i've just gone around i've been like how are we not lauren's fine how have we not all everyone's past that well a lot of these i'm meeting these people for the first time and that's the only thing they know about me most of the comics i've done i've met them for the first time really yeah like sickler i didn't know he's great he's awesome he's his podcast he's so good dude yeah honeydew yeah he's a really good i'm i'm good with like a hang and [ __ ] around and boston balls was more like this is a good interview how about some trauma in your life i was like all right man take it easy yeah yeah it's almost like he calls your childhood friends yeah that's enough so sickler i did tiger belly okay that's this is great bobby's yeah [ __ ] he's a lunatic he is a [ __ ] lunatic he is a real lunatic i did his show in brea how great is his girlfriend she's wild [ __ ] she's talking about having like lice and how she liked having lice oh yeah i was like oh my god this is disgusting uh i did his show in brea and then he drove me back to l.a yeah and he was like we dude we got lost for 45 minutes from bray to l.a without leaving near the improv where we were really like it finally when i noticed i was like bobby was driving yeah it was yeah i don't know he was like i've been in several severe accidents he just doesn't have the focus to get behind the wheel i can't shock they gave him a drive wait he can see over the wheel yeah it was wild he's a bad would you just see knuckles knuckles and hair i don't want to attribute it to anything but he is a bad driver that's his height yeah um so you did tiger belly zickler santino's santino's is great fighter and the kid oh yeah that's awesome yeah oh you did did your mom's house yeah nice and then this and i'm gonna go do corollas cruel's gonna [ __ ] love you really oh god yeah he dude he's gonna yeah he's a [ __ ] really really great guy yeah i i i love him and he's got an interesting there's an interesting vulnerability about him and that i i love i i sometimes it's the things you're not supposed to tell people you know when people share something with you yeah that you go i that's the thing i want to tell everyone because that's why you're good like people might not know everything about you corolla took me home one time from doing his podcast i thought we're gonna drink because he had mangria yeah and so i didn't drive i took an uber and then he was like where's your car and i was like i took an uber and he's like where do you live and i was like over in valley village and he goes let me drive you home i was like really and he was like yeah i used to live by there and i said really so he drives me home we have a great conversation in his car great conversation takes me to goes pulls up to my street and he goes i grew up like three blocks from here i said really and he goes yeah can i is it cool we go see my house i was like yeah yeah it was really cool and then and then he told me where his house was and i went oh wait i know his house and he's like and we pull up he's like yeah my mom sold it and they rebuilt it and there's a huge mcmansion now and he but i knew the house i knew the house and i went and he goes i used to i mean i don't know everything he shared on things but he showed me where he slept and it was less than desirable yeah and you were like and you realize man he is someone who does not [ __ ] want to hear any excuses because his childhood was was not an okay yeah yeah it was not the white privilege that you read about on on on cnn it was like he woke himself up he jumped a fence to get to school yeah yeah yeah he was a he's a really interesting vulnerable dude but you know maybe you don't see that i don't know but i really like adam coral yeah he's awesome yeah yeah he's i'm excited to meet him he's very funny um so so you got the rote questions about about snl yeah did anyone talk to you about uh about uh drugging big j no yeah yeah yeah no one talks about it that's so funny i was with already last night were you yeah yeah yeah i was with hari oh really yeah yeah we did uh he did a guest episode of two bears one cave oh that's what he did say that what did you guys do you drink drinking he was just at the he was at the store and i'm staying right across the street so i just went over and said hi yeah it was nice don't do any spots over there i did one spot there this week but i i didn't i was i got there too late like i i didn't put in try to put in a veils ahead of time like an idiot fine yeah and i don't even know what the point of stand up is right now in the city it's like you go and everyone's wearing masks and i just it's like i don't know it's not the thing that i started doing and i just i just would be like i don't and and then you get like calls from people going hey they really check vacant vaccination cards and i'm like hey man this is not me like i'm i'm performing at this place because this is what i do for a living at the improv and so you need to you talk to the [ __ ] club talk to the [ __ ] state officials i don't know what the [ __ ] i tell you i got like yeah i've heard a couple comics like feel bad about that like the club's requiring vaccines and i don't think that i i i i'm talking specifically about improv and story sure i don't think a comic has a right to say a [ __ ] word don't perform there like you know it's like it's like hey listen they're running a business they've got employees that they've got they're liable for they they can't they let them run a business and i think if i'm not mistaken i don't know it's it's state issues so like i i stay out of it because i'm like because first of all i don't know enough about any of this [ __ ] and and it just it's funny it's funny when you do try to say something yeah like everyone's gonna all say like uh yeah i got it or whatever and then everybody will be like [ __ ] you [ __ ] [ __ ] and then i'm like yeah i'm not getting it and people like retards yeah yeah i don't know what yeah well that's the whole thing i guess that's called having convictions and i don't i don't have convictions either why don't you think you have convictions is it because your dad because mine's because of my dad really oh yeah my dad would not let me have an opinion whatever my opinion was he would take the opposite and prove me why i was wrong really oh yeah oh yeah psycho that's pretty funny though but i think it formed me into a guy who i'm i don't i'm not i'm not some guy pre i'm not preachy sure i listen to a lot of people well that's good it's good i'm a [ __ ] podcast yeah i had a woman on the podcast one time yeah who was very vocal about the store not booking female comics and and i doubt i didn't know enough it's right during the me too thing so i just go so you were like yeah just listen it is [ __ ] up i'm just listening all i do is go okay yeah i don't know what to tell you i don't she's like well you need to give your spot up to a woman and i was like okay now and i'm doing the math i'm like going like i'm going like well here's how that works like if me and my friends decide to to give our spots up we're going to still perform somewhere else and the it's not the club that's getting the people there yeah it's the name that's getting the people there so if like me bill bird jim jeffries joe rogan tom segura joey diaz all go to this club all those people you think that are gonna be at that club are gonna go to that club to watch it's it's fan driven it's it's not maybe it's different uh where she lives but and i did but i didn't say anything really like i didn't like hold her what it's not different where she lives it is but but uh and so and i got [ __ ] [ __ ] that's the most [ __ ] i've ever gotten from my podcast really oh the cause you didn't like say like i didn't or i didn't stand up for the women that work at the store oh i didn't stand up for the store i didn't stand up for my friends i didn't stand up for men i didn't i didn't argue with her everyone the first person to call me was ari shafir yeah what the [ __ ] were you doing why didn't you tell this [ __ ] off like just goes off on me and i'm like by the way let's not pull it up hey stop what are you doing this is a horrible idea i know but i can hear it um oh no yeah you got crushed oh yeah they yeah i got don't even read the comments don't even read the kind of cover by the way i don't want to read comments that's the best thing you want to do while you're on a podcast is read negative comments and then i just go and then i just and i swear to god shane and then i said stay in your lane bert let's not talk politics you don't know what you're talking and by the way you weren't raised by a man so what what do you think makes you have less conviction i i think i don't know how much thought i put it i'm not convicted on that first statement that i made maybe i do have convictions yeah what i'm thinking about yeah uh no i don't know i guess i guess uh reading comments that [ __ ] you up a little you know what i mean yeah where i'm like maybe i am a [ __ ] idiot over and over again where like no matter what you say somebody's gonna be like this is dumb wait am i a [ __ ] idiot so maybe that's it i don't know it depends what we're talking about i i do have convictions on i on certain issues i can't read comments like i'm very against uh slavery okay i can go i'll be pretty i'm against slavery yeah stuff like that but if i have some i have some yeah yeah like like okay when kanye was like slavery was a choice were you just maybe i don't have videos because i thought it was funny i mean to walk into tmz and be like slavery was a choice it's just all these people like what the [ __ ] is going on how much fun do you think it is to have kanye as a friend it's gotta be chaos okay let's do this top special goes viral from this interview yeah from this interview goes viral and you are tomorrow the list goes dave chappelle bill bird john mulaney shane gillis yeah what five celebrity friends do you want just men just men just men just men you get a text you get a text hey it's mel gibson i watched dude that would be awesome i would love to meet you did you see him salute trump at the ufc no there was a ufc event where trump showed up and in the crowd do you see mel gibson i think people people he's brand friendly he is the thing he says he is i just want to get [ __ ] see my thing is i want to get wasted mel gives people yeah mel gibson is a good choice benefleck that's one of mine who benefit i want benefit to be my friend i would i will i'm business out there yeah clip this out put this out there my heart will melt if i get a text from benafleck and says hey man she's watching big beneflect yes how you pronounce it all right benafleck and he texts me and he says just watch your special holy [ __ ] secret time hey big boy the machine are my top three favorite movies or specials let's do a movie together yeah i have a movie for us ben and and i won't drink i'll stay sober the whole [ __ ] movie i'd been better flack is one of my favorite i would pick him over matt damon i think although matt damon would be a cool text brad pitt would be a cool text brad pitt's cool that brad pitt's like a for a real one like like leonardo dicaprio is cool uh you don't like leo i do i do damon more than leonardo oh yeah oh yeah interesting yeah i don't think i don't think leo's like daniel tosh when daniel tash comes into your house he does this thing where he's like [Music] that's pretty funny you ready to go and you're like is something wrong he's like no it's just no it's just your house smells like food and you're like yeah there's food here yeah yeah and he's like all right let's go like his like he's very much like uh american american psycho really like he's just a very neat tidy keep your [ __ ] together he's like a very smart and you think leonardo dicaprio i've been to leonardo's house yeah what yeah oh i i think mine would be i think number one would be nate diaz oh i didn't think about fighters diaz diaz i think has to be the funniest dude ever to be around nate diaz you know you know by the way tony hinchcliffe got that text i know i know i listened to that interview nate did hinchcliffe's podcast a while ago yeah yeah it was great you just talked about going on the ultimate fighter okay fighter nate diaz and dude i've seen like watching at his instagram story and like his it's the funniest i think i i think he blocked me because i followed him and then all of a sudden i couldn't find him on my thing nate trump also [ __ ] by the way let's be honest it's okay let's be honest here's the problem here's the problem with trump i got a drum text that was like incredible i loved it i just said it'd be so funny he didn't block me i just followed him he's got 5.1 million followers i wonder if he follows me nope casey neistat joe rogan snoop dogg big boy bam bam baklava bob menory dude that's a good one actually i want to be a good tech yeah that's a good action bronson would be a good text he is man i gotta be honest with you he is really [ __ ] inspiring me right now really he's in great shape he can swing a baseball bat like i can swing a baseball bat yeah i have one of the prettiest swings out of i'm probably probably athletically the most competent comic that we have yeah there's not one comic pull up me swinging a baseball bat okay go to my just say bert uh bass swim baseball or something what time do you have to get out of here by the way i'm good okay i have three oh yeah good i i just yeah what are you looking for i just took a zin out of my mouth and put it in my pocket a zin yeah it's like a nicotine yeah pouch you want one no i'm gonna be [ __ ] addicted immediately yeah they're good no that's not it that's not it that's not it that's not it that's me hitting a [ __ ] watermelon keep it going and by the way still into my it's in my instagram [Music] it's in my instagram that's georgia so action bronson's inspiring you and yeah because he's watching your swing yeah he's got a great action box and it's great really not a lot of rotation in it like is a lot of arms but he's got big [ __ ] arms yeah um but it's a pretty swing i could watch i can watch a man throw a baseball or hit a baseball all day long yeah it's exciting that was my tick tock i had tick tock and my algorithm was just baseball and then uh hot college girls dancing and i had to delete it you ready for this it was just college girls dancing you ready for this yeah i gotcha i gotcha it's nonstop paige type in page underscore page dot renae on oh that's not her that's not her that's not her paige halstead you ready for this probably not this is gonna be this is your algorithm is not as good as me yeah her name's paige halstead p-a-i-g-e-h-a-l-s-t-e-a-d uh instagram paige halstead okay clicker got find her instagram you got to see her swing it is [ __ ] beautiful it is beaut she has the prettiest swing scroll down that's what you like about okay yeah go to her by the way she no go off go up go oh no right there the far right what how do you not see what i see okay take a look at this swing he's got a great [ __ ] swing and by the way she time so i want to find out when my arm gets in that great swing i don't know what she does all the other than playback looks like she played at ucla why how do you say that i saw it i think she played she probably played softball at ucla she's going to catch her she does these catching drills these hip drills really dude i mean obviously she's a beautiful girl but like i'm in love with her swing she's got a great swing you think the swing is what's bringing you to this page uh it's definitely it's not the thing that got me the page but it's the reason i'm here um pull up action bronson swing he's got a great swing did you play baseball growing up uh yeah but i stopped and like i stopped i think eighth grade okay yeah once i did i hit puberty and just couldn't hit the ball something happened it was crazy i lost all hand-eye coordination for like a year but did you play sports and yeah i played football in basketball yeah i was just telling someone do you remember wearing a girdle yeah do you remember how edgy your [ __ ] would get you couldn't reach it yeah this is your girdle do you remember post-practice dick how small your penis would be almost no one in football talks about the post-practice stick dude and then go everyone in the shower is like i'm gonna go fluff it up a little bit cool on my penis i'm gonna pull it out for just a touch and then you just have a long skinny penis oh yeah no if there was a if there was a uh like something you could put on your fingers that he does have a nice swing yeah that's not that's not his real swing that's what him money was fat this podcast is brought to you by canada there's a specialist for everything these days if your car breaks down you go to a mechanic problem you shower you call a plumber what about crooked teeth you see an orthodontist they're specialists and that's why candid the invisible comfortable and removable aligners is above the rest while poorly reviewed an insanely priced clear aligner companies use general dentists candid only works with orthodontists with canada the same orthodontist who created your plan is with you from beginning to finish so you never have to wonder how you're doing your treatment is prescribed and closely monitored remotely by a 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trapped between two solutions with weight loss i'm a little confused quite honestly between good foods or bad foods it creates an unnecessarily dilemma in my opinion numa is here to change the way we see food with a psychological based approach that looks at what you eat but also how you eat instead of making you feel guilty or regretful newman powers you to keep on going since i've been using noom and i've used new ever since they were first become a sponsor i've learned better how to shop or understand what my cravings are and not really seafoods as bad foods anymore and i'll tell you i like their psychologically approach to eating the program is is super flexible to your lifestyle so it's easy to log food as you progress i absolutely love all my food on the noom and and with their cognitive cognitive behavioral approach helps you unlearn bad habits and better understand your relationship with food and the best part is one size doesn't fit all choose your goals and noobs going to personalize a weight loss program that fits you eighty percent of newm users finish the program and 60 have stuck with their goals and lasted for at least a year no need to ruin the whole program with one day off noon can get you back on track all you need is a daily 10-minute check-in no grueling early mornings appointments or huge chunks out of your day start building better habits for healthier long-term results sign up for your trial at noom.comcast.noom.comcast let me see your copenhagen oh this is this is my skull oh this isn't copenhagen is it leaf citrus you're gonna like it smells good oh my god yeah i love it i'm addicted to it i am too it's going to kill me no mouth cancer is not real true i mean i don't know i'm just saying like i know so many people that have dipped their whole [ __ ] lives my wife's dad has chewed tobacco since he was yeah 12 years old he's 72 yeah you're like where's his my cousin dips not like literally everywhere he goes he has a jug like an iced tea jug yeah it's a spitter oh it's it's absurd but he he hit me with that that conspiracy the mouth cancer is not real conspiracy but it's interesting because it's very funny because you know you the the horror stories you hear just like by the way i'm starting to you know what i'm going to say yeah just like the kobe with the vaccine sure the horror stories you hear are like uh kid dipped for one year lost his jaw sure and you're like okay well i beat him yeah yeah do you remember horror stories yeah it would just be like a guy with no bottom joining like you're like whoa it's to scare you away from the product um i dipped pretty aggressively i think all through college all through college that's why that's interesting i thought i dipped longer i dipped in high school yeah uh not i wasn't addicted i just dipped whenever i could yeah i think because i live with my parents oh yeah you gotta hide it yeah yeah yeah for sure it's interesting i wonder if i live still with my parents if i'd be drinking as much as i do i lived with my parents for a little and i did not drink really yeah i actually went home over covered for a couple months i know i think i did a podcast with you yeah yeah yeah it wasn't really it wasn't really boozing really yeah it was also right after i was in stan i was at stanhopes for like a month and then went back to my parents for like four which was very nice to like just be home detox oh just laying in my childhood smelling normal smell as opposed to the mildew of a trailer that someone threw up in absolutely yeah you've been there at the rape trailer he's like you could sleep in the rape trailer i was like no dude i slept there and i had one of the most panicked nights of my life i bet because there's a thing that happens to me when i when i go partying hard and that day specifically i think we went out did a show the night before and then woke up the next day we were just gonna party that day and we started the second we woke up and it was like champagne and then went to his other house the one that has the above ground pool yeah and then party bear really [ __ ] hard then came home and i was like i was like stumbling drunk at maybe nine and i was like all right i'm going to bed pass out wake up at like two not ready like not feeling good like feeling like that where your stomach's like oh i think we're we're dying right now and then and got up and and lynn shawcroft was had accidentally eaten a ton of edibles and was talking to everyone but no one at the same time and i was like and then and she's like do you want to come out and talk do you want to come talk to me and i was like oh [ __ ] mama what am i doing with my [ __ ] life it's so sad and i was like god damn it then i went back in that i went back to the rape trailer and laid in it i was like what the [ __ ] am i doing with my i felt like you ever do an overnight at a kid's house and like halfway through you're like i just want to go home it was me every night for a month at stanhopes yeah every night i'd go back to that guest house and be like i want to go why did you stay for a month i don't know it was not it was april there was nothing it was yeah it was coveted it was in the middle of like at the height of covetous how hard were you drinking at stand hopes pretty hard but i would i would i couldn't keep up i would do like two days on one day off you do it day off yeah i had to yeah i had to and a day off i mean like a few drinks oh okay but not like okay all right yeah but sometimes i think sometimes none i needed to dude i was dying really yeah no i yeah dude think of that for a month think of him he does it every day he's he's a monster and by the way the in my opinion in that top three that i just named chappelle burr mullany doug stanhope his news yeah that i don't think he's recorded yet or he has and he's not released it yet is [ __ ] awesome yeah i watched him run it at the store and i sat in the back and i was like this is like he did he did a telemarketer joke do you know the joke i'm talking about i think so telemarketer joke with the indian guy accent and what is and this is what i loved about louis what is a by far a hacky premise and turn it into one of the greatest bits i've ever seen and i was like oh [ __ ] and that's that's the fun that's the what i love this is your first special yeah what i love about specials is when you challenge yourself to do something really difficult in your next special and go like i want to i like i want to come up with a very hacky premise and make it brilliant so that you go not any not just no all not all hacky premises are bad yeah like go airplane food and then make it the best joke sure anyone's ever heard and when louie used to do that and stan hope does it yeah it was funny when i was when i was young or like not in comedy i was like why are they always talking about [ __ ] airplanes yeah now it's yeah because it's the only thing we do oh it's the only thing i have to sit around and get on planes yeah i have so much airplane material yeah that i just will never use because i go i'm the only one on an airplane this much yeah i'm the guy people don't want to sit next to though that's that's where i'm becoming i'm worried about that you're talkative no i'm just big i know i'm not quite the guy the last guy but like i can see it wait when i'm walking down the aisle i can see people how tall are you six three how much you weigh i'm like probably right now probably like 260. really yeah 265. you don't look it yeah i'm [ __ ] big you're a big dude fat you're not fat [ __ ] fat have you ever been have you ever been ripped no i've been strong from football yeah but i was like 300 pounds yeah wow what did that guy look like is that the great guy that david can't really see muscles yeah yeah holy [ __ ] that's great i love that yeah you remember that oh my god i remember things that are good like things that are dude when we drank at that show that [ __ ] calling to sick calling to work sick yeah dude pouring those big ass cups of fireball i was just like oh my god it was noon i don't i didn't know how you did it i don't know how i did it i don't know how you do that i don't know how i tell you what because if i get if i first off if i drink before a show it's a bad show oh but i that's the whole premise of that show yeah before the show and and that's a fun that's a very fun show but then to do a show that night crazy we did do a show that night didn't we yeah but that was the one yeah because i got it was on cinco de mayo and i did the show in the morning and they're like hey do you and then i think i did the whole weekend yeah you did a full weekend after that if i'm not mistaken no that's not the weekend there was a weekend where i was like in philly where i was like i think i might have an ulcer and i was looking for juices was that where we were drinking um we were drinking those uh those uh beet cavases i don't know i don't think um but uh yeah that was uh that i don't drink fireball anymore i won't yeah it's time had one night of fireball on the impractical joker's cruise that ruined the taste of fireball for the rest of my life dude you were you the fireball is like you take one shot of it maybe and yeah like all right that's that's indigestion for the rest of the night oh i'm done dude you're drinking solo cups of it i was there was well there was a point where i said i ate so bad i had a rule that i said fireball doesn't technically count as a shot yeah so if you want to do shock to me i don't do shots but i will do fireball all right and then and then that rule makes sense yeah i had a one girl i have one girl in uh in indianapolis it's like one of my it's like a and you look back and you go i don't what [ __ ] life was i living yeah but especially now i'm like ugh it's so it's got to be so confusing for my daughters when i pass to hear stories about me and then them just go yeah cool oh good awesome yeah like guy was at your dad's show in indianapolis the rule was upstairs bar half off everything if you were topless and everyone everyone was [ __ ] topless that's great wanna see a picture yeah it's a great [ __ ] picture um all right this is what i love about the iphone is if you go to if you go to the map you can find out all the times you've been to different places now i got huh i don't want to know that oh yeah i go to the map right so i have all these different places on my map damn that's awesome and then i go to indianapolis and go to indianapolis up in indianapolis a couple times trying to think where that i think this is probably it yep this is it take a look at this fun [ __ ] night dude right just scroll it was the [ __ ] funnest night and by the way everyone these are pictures they took themselves and airdropped to all of us yeah this is a great night yeah that was and by the way i'm faithful to my wife i don't cheat i don't cheat but that's part of my brand is i can as i go by the way and so we're all [ __ ] that's wonderful yeah that was a phenomenal night it was a phenomenal night and so one of the girls not in this picture we get up everyone's topless everyone's topless everyone that was at the show was topless and there's one girl actually a [ __ ] ten yeah like a legit ten uh and she's already [ __ ] hammered and she's like i'm out drinking you motherfu great rack great rack i'm out drinking you [ __ ] i'll show you who the machine is and i was like i was like hey anybody you're gonna die i was like yeah you're doing this to the wrong guy you're you're trying to punch a shark in the nose right now it's not gonna work out the way you think it is and she goes i go okay let's do it so i go fireball and she was like fireball's my [ __ ] drink and i was like [Music] line them up so they get we put six on the thing and i just one two three four five six she does six and we're like all right six more and she was like hold on hold on and i go six more and so they line up six more and i look over and she's stumbling and i was like and i was like all right i think she's out we're gonna [ __ ] and then i realized she's only had like three of her shots she doesn't have the other ones she's given to her friends and now she's like this so i turn my back i start talking to someone else and then all of a sudden her friend taps me she goes hey the girl that uh challenged you to drinking is leaving and i said oh i said okay well tell her i said goodbye and they're like we'll we're actually need some help carrying her downstairs and i was like oh for real and she they're like yeah so everyone starts carrying her downstairs she's still topless it just started snowing right it just started snowing and so they're taking her stairs and i go hold on one second so i run downstairs they're about to take her outside they have her jacket on top of her to cover up she's still topless and i go up to her i go hey hey hey are you okay she goes i'm fine i'm just tired i didn't eat today i need to go to bed i was yeah i'm not that drunk and i go okay okay i go listen they're carrying you out of here and i go right up to here and i go and never forget i'm the [ __ ] machine and she think she goes and i walk away i [ __ ] but those nights were like those killed a lady yeah yeah maybe maybe i did snow angels in the parking lot that night i had a [ __ ] blast damn it's it's the hard thing about quitting drinking for me is how good it is it's so much fun when done responsibly and i haven't always done it responsibly and i'm certain it's i'm certain it's doing stuff to me that i'm not aware of and if i go to the doctor i just said the doctor before the surgery and clean bill of health top to bottom ekg is great uh cholesterol is great everything blood pressure is great um liver is great liver enzymes are perfect right in the right spot um but i'm certain there's damage done and that one day i'll be 61 it'll count all of a sudden everything will show up that day right um but but it's like not to be a nihilist but nor mcdonald's said when when uh kovid came out the quote he made was uh well i guess we all know how we're gonna die now huh it's just a matter of order and you go why not [ __ ] live i want to be mobile when i'm 70 so that's why i work out but it's so much fun like in those mornings when you're like hey let's drink and you're like huh yeah you're like let's [ __ ] throw them back like yeah it's great you can't get fired yeah like no i i yeah i agree you're preaching the choir yeah and uh what's crazy is in comedy a lot of people most comics quit drinking yeah because you kind of you sh you have to a lot of people but yeah so i there's like four guys i can drink with in new york ari ariel jr norman comes and goes but he's training for like a mma fight yeah i saw the fight diaries yeah i can't tell if they're scripted or not they are they have to be they have to be yeah he's in there taking a [ __ ] yeah yeah um but it's you know what's interesting uh i shouldn't say that say it okay i think i can say this i think i can say this pretty um accurately so like i think it's fair to say that lewis won't be hosting america's got talent anytime soon yes like he's not going to be getting a network sitcom i don't think he wants that right yeah i don't think he wants that i think he's happy doing what he does and there's a certain like you know the skanks legion of skanks crew but not really like dave and jay are a little different but there is like a get in there like ari will not be doing a network sitcom anytime soon yeah and it's it's interesting is that i probably won't be doing that i mean i remember when they offered one to joey and i was like miss miss patches did one she was a drug dealer yeah convicted felon so maybe they're broadening their scope but what's interesting is you had the opportunity when that snl thing happened to just go to go i'm going harder down and finding my fan base and [ __ ] them right and [ __ ] the industry [ __ ] everyone but in a weird way you just this is no slight to those guys i just mentioned but i'm saying you decided to not double down and be like yeah i'm a i'm i'm conservative these are my politics you said i'm actually a really talented comic i i'm i'm not for everyone but but i am also a very good actor and i'm also a great sketch writer and there was a reason i got cast on snl and i'm going to continue making great sketches that they're going to be dirty they're going to be funny but you're going to laugh that's all that matters and you go and and i'm going to do a special i clearly put one out on youtube people going to see how talented i am and i am cool to go back into the industry yeah if it'll happen yeah i mean i it depends what it is obviously with the industry but uh yeah and it's it's a weird time where it's like what do you you know what even is the future of the industry so like i'm not like i'm certainly not like pandering or like trying to get back in or whatever i'm just doing what exactly i was doing yeah you know what i mean i'm not going to like lean in to being like and then not talking not legion mechanics but like like edgy i'm not like uh you know i'm not gonna and i'm not gonna lie about being like i'm a republican i'm not yeah you know what i mean yeah it's and there's that there's that there is that opportunity to do that especially when you get canceled to be like like literally been like i love president trump when i got canceled and probably went to the white house you know i mean he would have been like yeah [ __ ] snl like oh definitely definitely he was petty he would have been like yeah this guy's the best he could have gone to the white house and gone viral yeah what do you like more do you like do you like what do you like more when it hits your stand up or gillian keeves let's stand up getting cubes is so funny i love gillian keeps i do and that was so [ __ ] good that was like the first it was like the first content i ever put out really outside of like podcasts and things like that but that was like the first thing that was like mine yeah so that was fun every time we put something out and just getting feedback from people that you like respect that's really cool what's the what what is your budget on when you make those um a lot like i put i put 50 000 into it like myself just into just to put it out for free yeah into all the sketches yeah and then the the production company booklight matched it really yeah yeah that's worth it yeah it was fun it's very worth it yeah that's very worth it yeah it's just like the special i just put out that's free i'm not i don't even have like a tip option yeah it's just like here i'll put out costs i don't know 15 maybe the key is to interesting it's interesting because that was that's the key with podcasts is you put it out for free yeah i want you to get this for free i want to get a bunch of free content so that you know that when i come to your city the only thing i ask is you come see me perform yeah i'm really good at it it's the thing i do but the podcast is for you just every day if you're just bored and by the way they're not all great but yeah sometimes they do so i got a bunch of stinkers yeah yeah yeah and i i'm curious of what how this one has been really good i still talk way too much but this one's been really good uh but ari and i were talking about the interview format of hanging out i think it's better when these chairs are filled like if you have three people yeah it's more that's what i love about your food yeah yeah yeah is that what you want to do no i got to do another podcast who's corollas just tell me you want a man great when you get there what are we drinking what do you want i don't know i'd love to have a drink yeah let's have a drink whatever you want yeah this is by the way you want to start the podcast now have a couple of vodka sodas this is the this is the part what do we want to drink uh i have we have we have vodka we have whiskey i can go for a vodka soda do you have anything i go for so yeah yeah hey andrew is still there he's got his headsets on all right let's let's hit pause and make a vodka soda yeah bro all right we're back we have cocktails thank you to yeti for these [ __ ] great mugs yes yeti knows how to [ __ ] do it right can i tell you it's like i don't mind paying a little extra yeah for something i know is gonna is not gonna break on me am i right i'll tell you what man i love yeti i like the stuff inside the eddy even better yeah this is gonna he's gonna lube this podcast up i think so i think so this is where we get in trouble yeah for sure oh do you have any idea how many when it was so funny when you were the first person where something was a seven on a podcast where i was like wouldn't you drop over something and then they're like oh yeah and then they started deep diving people and then i was like oh well that would that was like the funniest part to me would be when like other comics would like [ __ ] on me yeah when i was getting in trouble that had all been on podcasts that had all said horrific things yeah it's like you sure you want to like oh there had to be a lot sure you want to do this now i never really named them but you can find them i think you find them i said something about it when it happened i was like i was like what's not funny it's not funny he's not trying to be i don't think he's trying to be funny but it's echo but it's it's a podcast you're just [ __ ] running trying to find you're trying to find the joke yeah if i was mad at everybody who said it wasn't funny i'd be well because the thing is that if you just saw that clip you don't know me and matt at all it's not that funny is that the context of it is that keebs with you no that's matt mccosker okay yeah i was like he must be like hey man i'll produce all your stuff i'll shoot everything for free yeah mckeever no mckeever's not like that do you guys have a movie planned he definitely does really mckeever's uh he does it all guys are you guys up at the meeting yeah okay yeah they're gonna say no watch so it's set in 1862. oh but uh there was a guy who was a pretty famous comedian and he was trying to help sell gillian keeps he was like i want to buy it i want to i mean and i was like all right give it a shot i'm like yeah yeah for sure yeah and uh he went to like a meeting to pitch it and then he called me and he was like i had no idea and i was like yeah dude i told you they're [ __ ] they're not gonna take a chance but i think at this point the way things are done independently yeah i think you're on that track and i think you've already succeeded on that track i mean gillian keeves is one of the best sketches and it honestly and i don't know if you guys did this on purpose it's branded like it's a comedy central show yeah it looks like it's comedy central john that's john john's like he's a [ __ ] pro yeah he's like usually i mean listening to him talk he directs he he writes and directs and he can easily star in all of them he's so good you both you guys are really good he did stand up he got like he was out of philly he did comedy he he got like jfl right away he did adam divine's house party he was like really dude he's an incredible stand-up and then he was just like i don't like it and stopped because he likes he likes writing and acting and directing and but his standard like every once while he'd like drop in and feature a weekend at helium just to like do it having not done stand-up for like two years it's funny to me murder it's funny to me because it's so hard it's so easy to tell a joke it's so hard to write something that's funny the the the uh al qaeda car sales yeah yeah yeah that one was me that's one of my favorites but john yeah but see that's the thing like i'll come up with like a slight idea like that one and john will just make it a sketch because i can't write like john can [ __ ] write the only thing i've ever done funny and by the way i'm sure i get in trouble for it now but i wrote it i wrote a sketch i don't think it's you can find it anymore travel channel that's the one thing that the one saving grace i have and i'm certain you could go through my history anyone's history and find horrible stuff they co-signed on that you get in trouble for laughing at someone saying something horrible like that's what's kind of [ __ ] up it's like i can't help but can you though i don't get in slight trouble but has anybody gotten like canceled from a podcast other than me uh no there's been attempts there's been attempts but i'm the i think oh the jeopardy guy yeah oh yeah yeah yeah yeah what's good about him oh what is that what he said he said like booth or something and yeah yeah jeopardy's very i mean i guess you got to think your brand right i guess i mean i've been lucky enough that the things i've done like the things i've done have all been still the same brand i have been meaning like so like like when i did the cabin that we did we had a lot of stuff that was very cancelable on it sure extremely and netflix was like we got it it's funny we think it's funny we know your comics we know you're going for the joke they had our back it was i mean top to bottom uh the very first thing the very first thing we did on that show tom was like are we airing this and i was like yeah and he's like hey man we can't air all this like we're gonna get in a lot of trouble and i was like i was like but we were laughing the whole cruise laughing netflix is laughing we're all laughing and tom's like you can't hear this like you know tom's my best friend he's like you gotta let me see this before you air and i i don't want it to [ __ ] destroy my career sure and he was like and i'm sitting there going am i a [ __ ] idiot like yeah i'm the one laughing the hardest and then and then and then it's it's it we aired it and we aired it did they takes did they take that stuff out nope um left it all in left it all in and not all of it there's some stuff that was a little like there were some jokes where we couldn't we just went maybe went a little too far of course and they edited it out yeah but you but your attempt is in humor right yes and then uh and then i i didn't even realize what was happening yeah cabinets uh i have a general i i'm in production on a movie and we're at the point where we're going to decide whether or not we make it cabin airs and i have a me i have a [ __ ] zoom call with a person who's a very big animal activist and one of the things we did was we uh processed is the way to say it where it doesn't sound bad we processed an emu nice yeah that people eat emu yeah that's how you do it yes and so uh and she said you know i gotta be honest with you i'm a very big animal rights activist the second i saw it i saw where you guys were going i thought i was going to be offended very badly but i couldn't stop laughing at you and tom she was like it was it was you did it well and i went into my head i was like and then i realized oh my god this movie would have just gone away yeah if she just felt like if it would have just gone away and yeah and then and then we ended up making the movie when we made the movie and first day i i do some things to to make the movie what i think is funnier sure you know i'm not i don't want to i don't want to be i want to be broad so that it doesn't sound but i you know i punch up some things so i think that this scene that we're shooting can be funnier but i punch up in a way where you will laugh and i will laugh but a lot of people are going to go whoa yeah but i know but it's funny it's funny and by the way it doesn't work it doesn't work and we reshoot it or whatever you know and uh and i don't even realize what the [ __ ] i'm doing because we shoot it and then obviously all that footage goes to an editor who does a quick cut and then sends it to all the executives yeah this is our first day shooting this is when they pull plugs on movies and the [ __ ] text i get when i text i get i will just say the text i get was was positive nice and i went cool that's the lane i'm in yeah that's that's where i go and i've just been lucky enough to that maybe i'm not maybe maybe my sensibility isn't too far but i think it is i know it is maybe there's a likability that get i can get away with when you're making a project and people know that your intent is to make them laugh like when you do stand up or a podcast or you know i think might cancel thing the thing that's going to catch me is my camera will be on and people will watch me jerk off and i'm always afraid of that and then they'll never be able to see me the same yeah because i jerk off as soon as every podcast ends i jerk off i don't even get up i've jerked off during opie and anthony listening to it watching porn with the volume down on the porn and it was when patrice died and i'm jerking off and you can hear the audio of them crying about patrice and i'm watching and i just was watching it and then porn came up i was like oh my jerk off and that and as it got done i went if someone had a call to my camera then i would be [ __ ] like those things are where i think it's it's it where i some sometimes i think it's it's when your brand doesn't match up to who you are you know yeah like i agree i agree if you're like if you present yourself as a very like clean clean guy yeah and then all of a sudden there's a clip of you saying some wild [ __ ] yeah yes i'm a pretty wild dude everyone knows i'm wild and i think as long as you stay in that thing and just try not to hurt anyone's feelings yeah ultimately i think you're i don't know who [ __ ] knows you never know but you never know it's been a fun run and and by the way when i look at someone like you and i go oh you just got to keep putting out good [ __ ] for sure i think more people i think i think you're someone i've talked about so [ __ ] much yeah because you are so funny thanks but it's a weird kind of funny because you're like bill burr you have a very acute way of of defining a situation like how do you how do you write a joke uh i don't know the podcast helps it's just sitting down with matt and like bullshitting and then being like oh this is actually a premise this is a and then going and doing it and saying it on stage like i and it's funny too because like burr was a guy i was a huge fan of and that was one of the first like podcasts i listened to constantly and then you would see his special at the end of that year or whatever and it was like oh i've heard all these because it was you listen to him rant yeah and it's like oh he that's i think podcasts help tremendously with coming up jokes coming up with jokes because i don't i don't sit down and write oh yeah i don't actually after watching i mean after watching your special i was like i'm gonna actually try to write some stuff i can't really i cannot when i started i used to but now no so so it's funny because i had a great rant in the van with mark normand and dave williamson about john mulaney yeah it was [ __ ] funny like it was like it was just it was pro mullany right sure but it was it was but it was like uh it was about my life yeah and how come i don't where where's the [ __ ] glowing praise for me yeah i've been drinking and not had to go to rehab yeah yeah i held it together and i'm still [ __ ] the chick it was 51 like and it was like and it was me going off on that rant and i and i and of course i just tried it at red rocks like i was yeah i was like i'm not great who does new material at [ __ ] red rocks i did [ __ ] three new bits crazy but that's where my brain is and then sure and then i just i like someone goes are you worried about what you say on stage i go i didn't know that we could get in trouble for that i thought everyone knew that those were jokes yeah yeah because i had the thing in my hand for sure as soon as my shirt comes off you know that's everything after that is also ridiculous yeah red rocks that's crazy dude it was [ __ ] insane yeah it's the greatest experience of my life that's awesome easily greatest experience in my life that's crazy dude red rocks yeah what's it yeah ten thousand wow ten thousand and it and it feels like ten thousand really oh yeah how did you do when you got done uh i uh i cried did you yeah that's nice i could cry right now uh you should cry all right dude it's not as funny as you're sure it's not as funny as you think i went on opie radio one time i'm really i can cry really easily yeah that's one of the things i learned in this [ __ ] movie is i have an accessibility to emotions that are like right on the surface level yeah i can cry so easily my girlfriend called me crying two days ago where are you norm i tossed on his uh his last letterman she heard she was in the other room and just heard me like like doing that and she came out i was like fine yeah fine yeah norms norm got me that was i cried that guy oh he reached out when i was getting canceled a lot really yeah and he said some really cool things i'll share them with you so there's he's the best all right he i reached out to i posted about him when he got in trouble yeah and he reached out to me and was and was like i'll share with you privately he loved comedy and he loved the purest he was the purest comic and he [ __ ] hated this [ __ ] work [ __ ] yeah he hated it so it's seeing all these people like tweet about him like oh i loved norm and all this like just no he [ __ ] despised what you do in my opinion knowing yeah what do i know no no he i cried um i went up you wanna know something odd i talked about this a little bit with rosebud but um because rosebud was the day he died uh i tweeted something about my show in vegas like like yeah but i didn't i by the way i didn't even my team my social media team would post for me because i cannot look at comments i cannot i can't get involved in social media that way yeah like i can i'll follow stories i will post things on twitter that are innocuous and read responses yeah i don't get into the [ __ ] i don't get into the minutia but they'll give me a heads up when i'm getting hit pretty hard sure and they're like just so you know everyone's thinking thinks it's a little insensitive that you didn't put up a norm post yet and i went huh i was like so now you tell me that the mob gets to tell me how to grieve because i knew norma i knew norm yeah also it's like i felt i i didn't i i just posted one of his jokes but like i didn't want to post like i loved you or something like that like because who the [ __ ] am i like i need to come out and be like it it made me feel so gross to find a picture of him yeah screen grab it post it and then and then i wrote like nine different things and this is when i cried so i'm in the i'm in i'm in the house i'm drinking a bottle of wine and i'm and i'm voice texting when i said i started crying and i went oh [ __ ] because he was just like he was so cool to me like you know yeah the thing he did that was the coolest thing that anyone could ever do is he knew my name yeah before he needed to like he just went bert cries her yeah hey taking the shirt off tonight are we yeah and i go oh he knows who i am and then he [ __ ] and then and then what's really interesting is when he knew he was dying apparently he had texted me and said um [Music] whatever but he and at that point that that's when he knew he was dying he texted me and and i i thought this is what i one of my posts i thought about doing taking our texts right and then marking them out so you can't see it and then posting that and going this is the most meaningful thing that's ever happened i know but i didn't i didn't yeah i didn't want to do that that's a personal yeah it's personal and then you and then and then the the internet mob just comes after you and goes why aren't why haven't you started grieving yet and you're like i am i don't yeah i don't need to post it online and then part of you as a coward goes okay i'm hey everyone i noticed that he's passed yeah it's the grossest part of the internet i really think the taliban could take over america if they started with the internet um taliban's got some i will say this got some okay i was looking at the met yeah i was looking at the met gal or whatever that was the met taliban wouldn't let that happen the dresses all that [ __ ] and then i was looking at there was a video of the taliban hitting a lady with a stick and i was like i think [Music] [Laughter] we need a middle ground so i think we've reached the point where the taliban's not right [ __ ] but i think we're wrong too do you realize what the taliban would do if they first of all they would love kim kardashian's outfits their face was covered true they do you realize how how the taliban would lose they must someone should tag i think they might laugh i think if they saw it i don't know i think they might be like dude you guys are [ __ ] up okay but i did watch a video a lady with a stick stop stop ready uh um oh can i okay you may need to edit this out can i be in the first uh gillian cubes can you have a guest in yeah well dressed as taliban guys and it is a youtube taliban reaction to taliban watches for the first time okay okay well i don't know what this is what is this i have no idea what this is oh what the [ __ ] oh no no no who is little nos x well that's how i actually responded too what i mean i was just i was looking at my phone like what the [ __ ] what is it dude aoc's outfit and [ __ ] uh there's one lady that wore like a women's suffrage dress just had like women's rights all over it oh wait hold on sorry aoc okay i thought i actually liked aoc is dressed because didn't she go to a place where all the rich people hang out and then go tax the rich yeah i love it she paid thirty thousand dollars to go to it what yeah hold on and that dress the dress probably i didn't know you had to pay to go to this thing yeah i believe so i thought this was just i think the met gala is like a thirty thousand dollar ticket i could no no [ __ ] google this i thought it was just like i thought it was like yeah they could have built a school but instead they wore nice dresses hold on no this has got to be impossible so wait see this is why i'm that's why i have no conviction oh my god i was way off holy [ __ ] so pete davidson i paid thirty thousand dollars i bet somebody sponsors them i bet someone had to sponsor her somebody who makes the dress or something so uh a table at the met gala cost 250 000 and an individual ticket cost 30 000 pull up pull up let's i would love to see some matt gala stuff pull up mike save up and go 30. we could go to the back i'm going naked yeah i'm wearing gym shorts wait can we go to the metallic you got to get an invitation first right man i do i do like timothy chalamet you like timothy shalom yeah i do i like that boy dude he's in uh he's in uh the new dune yeah it's gonna be good yeah he's [ __ ] awesome dude the kids can [ __ ] act he can't dude you're so funny as i didn't love him right away that when i first heard of him i didn't i didn't i think it was because it was timothy timothy chalamet yeah it sounds like someone you should hate pete davidson's outfit let's take a look and we'll um [Music] smash your path not for me it's not for me i love it i love it's a dress i love that it's a dress he looks he does look a little bit like a nun that type of thing is not for me pete davidson could do no wrong in my eyes i love that kid yeah he's pretty except for the fact that he [ __ ] put together a 911 [ __ ] benefit and did not invited segura over me he's never even met sagura never even met sagura ugh i doubt he did the line bookings boys that one that's a good one oh come on you wouldn't want to go to the mac gala i would love to go to that guy this would this is ridiculous i would love i guess did you see that i mean this so we did they don't have to sit in these outfits you walk there and put on jeans when they get in right i'm not sure oh my god yeah never by the way this is the part of me that is off-brand right when we talk about people going like this is the type of stuff you like i i just think this is interesting like that's kim kardashian's i saw hers um i don't know like sweet so then tell me why i was wrong about aoc because it sh is it she's hypocritical yeah okay i don't even really know who aoc is i know that she's like a politician i think i think on a lot of stuff she's fine uh is she like she must be she's pretty i really don't know but she uh alexandria ocasio-cortez yes oh she's from the bronx right i know who she is um she's friends with uh diesel zamiro oh nice i think she's from the bronx you from the bronx i think she's served as a u.s representative for new york's 14th congressional district since 2019. yeah she was born in the bronx but see this is where they lean into that i think she was born outside in new york really and i think her name was like peggy no i believed dude you know the [ __ ] de blasio's name is like wilhelm all these people have fake names i should have done they're all psychos i should have done that well i think aoc's i think that's her real name but it's going to be no one change i think she went by like no one changes their name to alexandria ocasio-cortez what are you talking about you know how advantageous that would be for a she's like an activist she went down to the border and like cried at the fences really wait who's the other one that everyone's crazy who's the other one that everyone well there's the other side of that she's the left's uh there's a lady like marjorie taylor or whatever you've heard of that that lady's wild she's like jewish space lasers and [ __ ] what [ __ ] rules dude so that's the thing like look i i hate doing the i'm not trying to get political uh no but tell me about i love learning about stuff like there's like uh so when people talk about like the right and the left i like hanging out with the right way more you know what i mean like if i sit down with dudes if i sat down and probably because of my ethnicity and because i'm cis yeah but if i sat down with two dudes and they were like yo we [ __ ] love trump i'd be like dude let's get [ __ ] up now if i sat down with two dudes i'm like i love hillary clinton i'd be like this is gonna be a bad night we're not gonna have oh i see yeah hillary clinton i i think like i knew he was a big hillary clinton fan i love aoc i'd be like we're going we're not pull up uh pull up norm mcdonald hillary clinton uh bill o.j on the view do you ever see him say it on the view no bill nor mcdonald bill clinton oj joke have you seen this problem clinton oj okay uh no god damn it i wish he hadn't best delivered jokes on camera here's one on the view where he's like trying to get that murderer out of the white house and they're like what do you mean he's like bill clinton killed a guy and they're all like you can't say that he's like i thought it was coming he was uh his oh i'm gonna i'm gonna attempt to do the joke it's so [ __ ] good wait keep going maybe it's a weekend update joke oh no this is definitely uh no it's not he's his joke was um he goes uh bilk that's the best yeah yeah uh let me see it this week in the o.j simpson trial the infamous bloody glove was finally introduced into evidence and oj didn't help his case any by blurting out there it is i've been looking all over for that day okay that's not it that's not it or maybe this is anyway [Applause] he norm's joke was uh this it no no no this isn't it so by the way i'm doing a whole open tabs dedicated to norm he uh his joke was uh o.j simpson met with bill clinton bill clinton said oj if i can help you with anything please let me know and o.j said well bill same to you and bill goes well i have an idea um no i here's the problem is that man i have so many friends i have so many i have so many friends that i grew up with that are all conservative that some of them some of them i i can be around and i can hang out with but like they've gotten sober they're christian okay like that type of conservative sucks yeah and i'm like i don't know that type of conservative sucks here's the problem you ready here's the distinct problem with my politics is my my legit politics are comedy first right yeah so like so for instance uh i had i was gobbling up trump 2020 memorabilia yeah i was buying it any time i saw it anytime i saw it i'd buy it and and the problem with that is is you move into a new house and you have people move you and they are putting away uh 12-inch dildos guns trump like i look like a [ __ ] lunatic on paper but i get like and then you don't even the other problem is it's so all over your life that you don't even realize it so like i have a trump sticker on my microwave in here and miss pat came in and with with all with like three yeah other black women and then oh and you they see something they just go uh and you don't even realize it's there and you're like oh it's a joke like i i bought it i was in arizona like yeah i put up a trump flag my daughters were gone you really leaned into this bit you're like i voted for him i donated i mean the whole bit was crazy it's like it's like jordan rubin's joke jordan rubin joe's jordan ruben has a joke he goes i went to a gay bar the other day and it was great this guy started hitting on me and i was like yeah [ __ ] it so i started hitting on him back this is a joke right and then he's like he's like can i buy you a drink he's like yeah i'll let you buy him a drink and then he can put him a drink but he's like whatever and then he's like i'll take you back to my room and suck your dick and i was like okay so he sucks and he's like joke's on him i'm not gay how about norm telling [ __ ] how about norm telling larry mcdonald he's a closeted gay man when norm was saying that he was gay yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean norm might be the deposited gay i'm a very cl very you're telling me you're gay no i'm not yes dudes everything he did the [ __ ] the the podcast he was doing the norm mcdonald live right nor mcdonald show those if you just go on youtube and look at the compilations of just type in worst jokes compilations dude there's one with uh funkhouser what was his name the guy from uh curb that that also died funkhouser do you ever watch curb there's hardcore oh phenomenal really yeah it's very funny but there's a guy and they do this thing where they read jokes at the end of the show yeah yeah yeah of course he makes them read it and all that stuff but there's one with funkhousing he's like i'm gonna [ __ ] this up but he's like a very large gold chain would be a very nice gift for a expensive slave you can't say that who's writing this you can't say that yeah he's like i didn't write it yeah that was the best that was the bit every time i didn't write it every time they would go who wrote this yeah some guy well you know what's so funny about norma's he really did deconstruct things like like when we did the cabin i had writers write jokes for me yeah and i really said some horrible stuff especially to caitlyn jenner yeah and and it there really is i i think but now when i go especially i said some pretty aggressive stuff and what did you say i don't want to go over it but she was cool [ __ ] about it yeah but if if someone got those and she didn't laugh no one laughed nikki glazer was like oh yeah and i was like what i don't i have someone wrote it yeah i'm working right now people yeah like i'm doing my [ __ ] job yeah and that's the thing about norm is that he he kind of deconstructed the the joke like i didn't write it yeah there's literally a whole compilation of who wrote this yeah because every single guest would say the same thing they'd read a joke and be like who you wrote doesn't seem like yeah right yeah some guy yeah it's yeah i think what's what i love that sucks he was he was like one of my favorites easily like he was the best do you remember when you discovered him i went to well dirty work came out when i was a i was young yeah but no no no no not just saw him for the first time i meant discovered how brilliant he was um yeah the first time i realized that he was the best was uh i went my sister was the one who used to take me to comedy like i saw she was in college and chappelle came to her college i was like a sophomore freshman in high school she brought me i got like drunk and got to see chappelle in like a gym at susquehanna university and like uh but then she took me to see norm at helium in philly years ago and he he just he walked out he was like i wish i would have had that ham sandwich anyway and just started his show yeah and then there were there were a lot a lot of times where the crowd didn't get didn't get him at all and just me and my sister were in the back just crying laughing the whole [ __ ] show and it was like it's the best do you remember it's like the best feeling did you ever hear the story about uh norm meat and george burns no ah i love this what happened so uh norm told us on radio so i i was such a big fan of norms i discovered him on i mean i knew who he was i i liked him i knew that he gambled i knew that he part like all the things about him i was on board with that's who i am yeah and i was like i like that guy that you can't really put your finger on and he may not show up i like that i like that energy um [Music] and then i discovered him on that obviously the one of the greatest talk show moments ever when he's on with uh what's her name the lady yeah she's doing board chat chairman of the board yeah joe norm you got a joke about that as board spelled b-o-r-e-d and and it was and then i went i i got up and i was like holy [ __ ] holy [ __ ] holy [ __ ] and then i started googling norm mcdonald and everything he did made me laugh i went oh my god so he goes to do my buddy cowheads uh my counselor's radio show cal would text me he would text me if there was someone on that i liked and he would let me call in and i could listen to their radio interview this is before any satellite any oh yeah yeah yeah so like geraldo would come in i just wanted to hear like guys like geraldo or burr like i'm not i was friends with burr but i still wanted to hear how they did radio yeah because i'd seen other guys do radio and i was like am i doing too much energy like should you sit in the pocket and it was like i mean this is really horrible to say but it was like watching other people's sets going like i've never seen other people do radio and so he calls me he goes north mcdonald's coming in and i was like oh [ __ ] so norma comes in and i and he i must have been a little buzzed on something and he goes did i ever tell you about the time i met george burns and calhoun goes no what happened he was well i was i was a young comic and i got a little heat and they said to me uh george burns wants to do your movie and he goes george burns cigar smoking george burns and he's like yes and he's like george burns and he's like he's like well wait how old is he and they're like well he's 95. and norm's like he can do a movie and they're like oh no he is with it he's with it he's a sharpest attack agile i mean he's a smart guy he's he doesn't miss a beat at 95 or however old he was at the time so normal goes okay and they're like he's going to fly out to la you're going to go to his country club you're going to pitch him the movie by the way all the comedy legends are going to be sitting at his table yeah and so he goes okay so he flies out to la he's a young kid goes to this country called beverly hills country club or something it's definitely not it because i know that country club but he goes to the country club and he goes he said he he shows up to the table and it is comedy legends i mean like the [ __ ] who's who of comedy and as a comedy fan he's just like oh my god i'm gonna pitch my movie in front of all these guys george burns shows up totally lucid and he goes ah guys this right here is the future of comedy and he's like he's everyone's like whoa yeah and so george burns sits down and norm stands up and he starts pitching his movie and it's killing it's like i'm about to make a movie with george burns george burns is laughing everyone else is laughing because george is laughing and halfway through his [ __ ] he looks over and george burns is buttering his hand he goes this is no one's making this movie george burns is buttering his hand ah just my luck oh and by the way i'm i'm certain there's probably a better version of that story more accurate i birded it up a little bit it's hilarious but i heard it on radio i'm crying laughing because you know he tells him with the norm cadence yeah oh what a great [ __ ] dude he was how he talked about it oh who should i see there but george burns yeah yeah yeah yeah oh it's funny too because there are i think that style of of comedy because you couldn't tell if he was the the joke if he was joking with you you couldn't tell if he was [ __ ] with you you know like there was a yeah he always had that like he would say he's like he never drank yeah i say stuff like that constantly and it's like did he yeah i think he did i'm almost certain but i have no idea he came in and he walked into the backstory of the store one time and uh and someone said no okay some drinkers no no sober sober it looks like joe what you got in that pen and he goes oh it's marijuana he goes i'll take a hit and he took it and joe goes it's really strong and norm just bill clinton killed a man and we're like what the [ __ ] he just was so [ __ ] great but the thing the thing is that i wonder what percentage of comics have it okay the comic spirit meaning like everything is about the joke there's a lot of guys like like i would argue 100 john mulaney has the comic spirit as as despite the businessman that he is yeah i think his whole intent and i don't i really don't know john other than a few passing hellos but everything i see about him is joke first the fact that that royal watch thing he did with seth meyers i felt exactly like he did about because i was watching the crown at the same time so like but what percentage of comics big j overstand is joke first yeah ari or oh arya's to a fault yes yeah it's a major fault yeah uh and he is upset with you when you don't get it for sure but sometimes i get it and it's yeah you know but uh so by the way you're telling that to me who i mean arya's has done things to me not besides drugging me has done things to me where i wish someone would [ __ ] drug me with molly what you wish oh i love mine oh [ __ ] not after everyone just died from fentanyl true i know i'm off um but like he i remember one time he pulled that ash rag out of his [ __ ] yes tried to put it in my mouth that sucks and i'm like that's not yeah that's not funny that's not like that's not funny that would be i mean that's a fight you have to fight but aries like ari the joke ferrari can go up to the fight yeah and then if you get upset i think that's where he starts enjoying it dude i've said it a bunch of times but are you with the kobe thing my my because even i've said this too like even despite me being canceled and being taken out of context and everyone's piling on throwing you and him i do it i do it constantly like i'm still like if i see someone getting canceled i'm like oh what'd they do and i'll see you and my first gut reaction is like that's actually really [ __ ] up you know what i mean like just for like a minute and then i'm like what the [ __ ] dude what am i talking about but like with aries with kobe like gotta go and look your amateur nope there you go it didn't uh 2004 whatever oh it's a big one it's a big one let me see mine toss me up next to him there's no way his is bigger you got him yeah you got him barely though that's surprising as far as like comedy first and being like sure like that it took me a minute and then the longer it's gone on whoa and the longer people have been upset i did hold on i gotta justify what i'm saying about okay okay yeah sorry i wanted to sound like i'm all right no no no you know what we're done i think it's a good point the kobe thing yeah yeah actually yeah [ __ ] him uh no the the kobe thing like at first i was like this is kind of [ __ ] up and then i just like obviously i'm friends with him so i didn't like i wasn't like what the [ __ ] are you yeah but like uh after like a couple days and then the more anger it was bringing the more people like crying and being like what the [ __ ] i was like it's starting to get funny like [Music] like as soon as like a club was getting like a bomb threat i was like that's a good one that was a good one i am back in therapy uh and i gotta be dead honestly though i do online therapy and it is so much easier for me because i don't end up resenting the therapy itself for me online therapy allows me the opportunity to do it when i want to and and then and by the way it's just literally one hour of my day not a 30 minute drive and then an hour or some time waiting because you want to get there earlier and then a 30 or a minute drive in traffic that you got to try to book in shoving your day that's a two hour commitment here's why i love better help better help has helped myself and several people i know get through some difficult times if you're someone who feels like you need to talk to a certified professional about your personal issues better help is here for you better help is customized online therapy that offers video phone and even live chat sessions with your therapist so you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to and by the way that is just as good as on camera's just as good as off camera because quite honestly i do it a lot of times on my treadmill so i'm killing two birds with one stone it's much more affordable than in-person therapy and you can start communicating with your therapist in under 48 hours why invest in everything else and not your mind right i mean think about it all the things you invest in a better pillow a better blanket a better car a better house dude the mind is the one thing that helps you get all those things why not invest in that this podcast is sponsored by better help and bert cast listeners can get 10 off their first month at betterhelp.combert that's b-e-t-t-e-r-h-e-l-p-dot-com bert we recently received our helix mattress we put it in our guest bedroom and that has become the sleeping bedroom it was so easy to put together i remember the days when you had to get a mattress on the top of your car and hold it on with your buddy and drive slowest crap down monroe street and hope that it didn't fly off i got a mattress at a place that was throwing away mattresses i was like free king-sized mattress who doesn't want that this was so easy it was delivered to our door in a box we moved the box into the room open the box unopened open the mattress and it was literally set up within a matter of minutes and it is the most comfortable [ __ ] mattress you could ever imagine we fight to sleep in that room my wife gets it every night and then i sleep in the master bedroom because i snore and she gets and you can tell it's changed her personality um there's so many things if you're looking for a mattress if you want to go to helix all you do very easy you take a quiz you order the mattress that matches to you and that mattress comes right to your door shipped for free you don't even need to go to a mattress store again bam told you that helix is awesome but you need to take my word for it they were avoided the bat number one best overall mattress pick of 2020 by gq and wired and helix has been recommended by multiple leading chiropractors and doctors of sleep medicine as the go-to solution for improving your sleep all you got to do go to helix sleep.com burt take their two minutes sleep quiz they're going to match you to a customized mattress it's going to be the best sleep your life you're going to ask my wife they have a 10 year warranty 10 year warranty they have a 10 year warranty wow holy are you serious they have a 10-year warranty and you get to try it out for 100 nights risk-free they'll even pick it up so you don't if you don't love it but you will you're gonna love it trust me leanne loves it helix is even financing options and flexible payment plans so a great night's sleep is never far away helis is offering up to 200 off all mattress orders and two free pillows for our listeners at helixsleep.com i still remember i remember i remember i remember his you know i don't i don't think any of the [ __ ] outside stuff bothered him at all what i think bothered him was the insular comics not coming to it for sure and i and i was one of them i've lost a lot i lost a couple friends over snl really yeah there's a lot of people that like didn't stand up for me that they know i would have done that for them really yeah can you write their names down on a piece of paper so i know who they are um it's funny because it's a weird thing like if when tom gets canceled and this will be soon yeah but no but like like there's you there are some rider dies that you you kind of have to have you know like but the question is it's like i remember watching people do it for people yeah i remember watching bleep both these names out i remember watching backup and it backfired so bad that you're like i actually don't know what you just tweeted yeah that is true it's really [ __ ] fascinating and it still happens like i'll put out a special and then some [ __ ] right-wing psycho retweet it and be like this is comedy and it's like all right well thanks but not you please please don't that's really that's really interesting yeah because i don't you know i i try to keep all my all my [ __ ] in the corner and then not and and like just go like all my opinions about stuff like i know very clearly that if i go on this podcast today with you and we talk about certain subjects that what people will do is it'll get clipped out it'll be viewed millions of times and it's a great way to sell tickets yeah it's just not the business i want to be in yeah is and i and and you know and i've been caught up in it i've done it on accident where you especially when you go on someone's show who's never met you and they can ask you questions because you don't know them yeah and then all of a sudden they're like you're like that's not a question i want to answer or be on the record for and then you're you're a little buzzed and all of a sudden you say something about a friend of yours and it doesn't come out the way they want it yeah i've done that and i've had to apologize i've had to apologize yeah especially like if you talk [ __ ] on a friend like yeah even just a guy you barely know like you kind of know one guy hit me up and he's like hey man i know we're not like best friends or anything but i thought we were at least cool enough where you wouldn't say something i was like i don't even know what i said i really didn't i don't even remember and i was like and i i didn't want to watch it again i just wanted to be like look my intentions were to kind of dodge the the [ __ ] question yeah and then and so i just apologized i was like it's not my intention and i i'm really sorry you wanna know what's funny yeah the way i know my special is doing well and is like respected in comedy because a lot of uh people have apologized to me in the last like week really a lot of people who threw me under the bus have randomly dm'd and texted and been like i'm sorry it's like you [ __ ] [ __ ] and i get it i get it because i've trashed people yeah i've trashed a ton of people oh i've tried people when my podcast started it was i was an open mic or in philly that was good i was good at stand up i was better than where i was my talent exceeded my station is an open micro in philly so i was just disgruntled you know what i mean yeah that's how it works i mean you still have it like to this day like there's still parts you that are like what the [ __ ] are they doing with all that i should have that like they're still that there is a there is a [ __ ] it's it thank god i've done it it's dissipated i've lost it quite a bit yeah because when i [ __ ] started dude i was just like [ __ ] them they suck and then you'd run into them or you'd see them like i would trash someone special okay this special stinks [ __ ] them and then you see them on stage in real life and you're like all right they're pretty good yeah i'm a [ __ ] lunatic yeah living with five dudes in west philly trashing people oh uh well there's i think there's a point in a career where you aren't getting the opportunities you're seeing people that are your peers your exact age even younger than you getting opportunities and you're going like why the [ __ ] am i not getting these opportunities and you know what's so funny there's a guy there's such a [ __ ] chick mentality uh there's a guy there's a guy that uh trashed me yeah to segura trashed me yeah so bad sugar had to edit it out and and then and then kept some in just so that i know who it was yeah and uh and it was and it was and i was just like i was like i was like what did i do to that guy i thought we were friends yeah and it's it's not a representation of our friendship or it's a representation of how he feels about himself in the industry yeah that's how it is and you just go like i can and by the way i saw him right after that and my feelings had changed about him and he was like the nicest guy he's like oh what's up bird yeah gave me a big hug and i was like i was like i had and i was like wow and it's all it is too once you see someone in person like i had a thing i was like talking [ __ ] with like godfrey back and forth yeah like he had called me like a klansman when i was getting fired so then i went on i was like [ __ ] him whatever he stinks like all that yeah and then i just saw him in person i was like because he knew we both knew that that was going on and so i saw him and i was like i don't care like i'm sorry i didn't mean to i shouldn't have publicly said all that [ __ ] and he was like yeah me neither and that was it yeah that's all it takes because godfrey did that to ari hardcore and he went after joe too well he's wild yeah he does jazz he's wild yeah he's like jacked and 55. he's not 55. i think he's old no 55 might be wrong he looks [ __ ] god-free by the way guy who might be 20 years older than me and totally right is that godfrey is you when you you forget godfrey on stage is a [ __ ] hurricane yeah no way yeah dude no way adonis he's in he's great he's he is great i'll tell you this because i it was at the cellar and i was like all right i gotta [ __ ] get this done i gotta say like i don't wanna i don't wanna such a good looking man yeah he is i was like i don't wanna have like a beef in comedy that's about as [ __ ] lame as it gets so i was like i'm gonna go up to him i'm gonna say whatever i said it wasn't like solemn i wasn't like i'm so sorry i was just like look none of that's real i don't care uh but i was waiting for him he was on stage and i like i never like i've seen godfrey a couple of times but i was never like in the room with him and he's [ __ ] jacked oh yeah i was just standing there waiting i was like is he going to [ __ ] me up when he gets off and he's a like a black belt in hopkinton dude he yeah he would murder me yeah so he while i'm standing there i'm like dude i might get my ass beat right now i don't think god frieza no of course yeah yeah oh he's not a friend he's not afraid to throw him he's not afraid at all but he gets off stage and it's before i even got to say a word he was like ah like it was that it was right away guthrie's a very sweet dude yeah but he does you're right he does he does get wild like he does he is a guy who has had a bunch of different he's great head of hair great never mind [ __ ] whatever i wish i had hair like godfrey he has had such different cool hairstyles let's go to images of godfrey and go through um my least i'll tell you my least favorite godfrey hairstyle no that's my favorite that's my favorite i don't i like that okay i go back i like the by the way no one can see what we're talking about everyone's listening this going like that's a good one uh that's a good one i didn't like the faux hawk i know i never liked the faux hawk really yeah it was my favorite but but y'all remember that i knew that and by the way that's not the fauxhawk there was a period where he had like the the wesley snipes from from uh demolition man and uh and but no i like the though that won't go below blow below the one just go straight down to the right up to the left that one that's my favorite i said i like that yeah i like that i love it that's that's the godfrey i know like that's what he wore you can tell by the necklace you can see the necklace you can date him by the necklace but that's the girlfriend i remember uh seeing every day um um what was he uh he was out here no he was in new york oh yeah i didn't start with him he was already well ahead of me but um he was i worked the door when he was a regular and so the rule was is if uh if i brought in 25 people i could go up before god free that's us right before right before god free and it was a great spot because god free everyone was excited to see god free [ __ ] decisions he kills he i remember kills for a long time too he'll just [ __ ] run the light just murder he's there's a couple of those guys at the cellar that do that that you just grieve this is one of the best comics i've ever seen perform one a guy that literally walks in a room grabs everyone's hand and goes you're coming with me yeah and it is [ __ ] phenomenal it's it's a lesson it is a real lesson i got to tell you the the one of the most important things when you're a young comic is to watch great [ __ ] comics dude great comics like i tell i get to watch it tell you what to tell like when i'm when i'm in new york i get to watch tell like every night and he goes on and just it's dude he takes a recorder out and starts he takes it out of his jacket and he's it's crazy i i would sit it's so good i would do my spots when i before i started working the door with boston comedy club i would every night be at the seller in the back table watching to tell at like 11 50 whatever yeah it goes on late yeah and every [ __ ] night and i would i would record him did he used to talk to the comics because he does that i don't know how long he's been doing that like no no no whoever went on before him so like now and i'll do it on purpose a lot so like he can talk to me so i'll like hang out in the back and then i'll be like he'll he'll ask question be like shane what do you think of vibrators or like something like that and what's funny is he does improv kind of but like no matter what i say he's like shut up like yeah he does this thing where he makes you feel like you're bombing for him like trying to he's like wow great material shane yeah i don't keep going the last the last time it works because it hurts it's like you're in the back like [ __ ] [ __ ] [ __ ] it the last time i the one of the the for okay the last time i was there he asked me to come up on stage with him and i was way too hammered i was way too insane no i said no i was like no because i don't i have a rule i don't go up wasted drunk yeah yeah yeah because if i'm wasted then it just it's never as funny as i as it's gonna be yeah the first time i walked through i'd been written up and really stoned as the number one party animal in the country i moved to new york i walk up i meet dimitri martin i had a dream i i ran into dimitri martin yesterday he's deceptively old no he's not he's 48. yeah he looks like he's [ __ ] oh oh i see what you're saying yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah he does he yeah i was like wait he's my age the first time i looked up to bc martin's age i was like what the [ __ ] yeah he looks like he's off like a decade yeah he looks yeah that's the crazy thing when you found out normal 61. i was like oh i thought he was like 50 something 16 i guess i guess that's what it is how old's david spade david's probably 60. no no 55. i mean how old sandler how old's sam sandler's got to be spade's fist sam is not in 40s i'm thinking sandler's in his 40s sandler's got to be 57. 40 49 49. sandler's 55 55. no [ __ ] way adam sandler's the best dude dwell best i would uh i ate a weed edible this week and so last year around halloween i watched qb halloween have you seen it it's one of sandler's oh yeah yeah yeah yeah i did it so i put it on thinking like all right this is gonna be the worst piece of [ __ ] i've ever seen i mean it's a kid's halloween movie yeah and it's phenomenal it's great humility it's so funny it's [ __ ] great and then uh but it doesn't mix well with because when i take weed i it's i have a bad experience 99 of the time for real yeah i hate it i just get it only negative only negative i sometimes do so i took this wheat edible and i was with my lady and i was like we're gonna watch qb halloween tonight wait till you see how good this is like four minutes in i was in my head like i look like a [ __ ] [ __ ] this is the worst [ __ ] movie all my insecurities about qb halloween came out oh dude i'm telling you hubie halloween holds up it's it's such a great movie it's so funny and by the way i'm gonna i'm gonna go on a limb here yeah say every adam sandler movie holds up i mean they're all good in that in that even like what i saw water boy four times oh that's a great i mean that's a theater that's a great movie what i'm saying like even ones like uh like uh like jackie jill i don't know if i've ever even seen jack and jill well what happens is it comes out in the theaters and then it gets trashed and no one wants to watch it right yeah and it's only getting trashed because it's adam sandler and and the critics want to [ __ ] beat him up three i watched it and i'm crying laughing going yeah jill is adam's it's like it's like the sixth sense you put it together there's a twist at the end you're like wait jill's been adam sandler this whole time i got i had the best experience at the sixth sense i went with a girl that i was dating i wish i could remember her name i got a picture of her she's pretty hot and yeah really awesome very italian from chicago it was like god damn it man i wanna i wish i could find out what she's doing now what she looks like what her life's like because she was she will be a great mom she was smart as [ __ ] and i bet she still works and they bet they have a [ __ ] huge house nice and but she took me she goes we got to see this movie that sixth sense i knew nothing about sixth sense right yeah sold out movie theater sold out movie theater sitting in between i'm sitting next to this black dude with dreadlocks sitting with her next to me black to withdraw the box me and the black dude get that it's that he's dead at the exact same time at the identical same time uh that's why you haven't been here the whole time whatever and then all sudden i go and i hear the black guy go oh and i look at him and he goes and i say and he goes he's dead and i go he's dead he said and by the way we get it so so time perfectly that in the movie theater everyone starts going like it starts to raise energy we get done the movie me and the black guy stand out we do not know each other yeah stand out on the corner it's the movie theater on like 17th and [ __ ] third or whatever oh like or 17th and fifth um above like four blocks above uh above union square okay oh that's where the movie theater is we stand on the corner me and this black dude and we break down the movie to each other and and solve it riddle for oh that's why that's why he didn't see it because we had to there was no internet where you could just go through and get all the answers me and this dude and then i was like i was like oh well i was like we should go get a drink and talk more about this and he was like i don't drink yeah he's like okay yeah it's like trying to kiss me and then he curb stopped me um this is [ __ ] i'm going to tell you a story i'm going to tell you have you heard uh wait bugatti's joke about sixth sense no wait wait wait wait wait he's like how bad marriage is yeah that the sixth sense we all just assumed they hadn't talked to each other for like five years like he sits down at dinner they don't speak she leaves yeah you can kill me i have to pee again go pee this sucks and we're back what uh vodka is doing well vodka's perfect it's always better when you drink on a podcast yes my problem is i do podcasts i do so many podcasts a day not today but like that it at one point i was like i think i'm not gonna be able to drink for all of these because i was like i'm drinking way too much yeah but i was i was already i've already kind of written off the [ __ ] week yeah it was like i i we had a screening it was supposed to be like yesterday morning for the movie and i was like uh i i'm not yeah cause i'm gonna drink at the screening i'm not gonna watch my movie sober like for the first cut i'm not gonna [ __ ] sit through the first cut watch it's sober and then give you sober notes yeah i can't even imagine watching a movie like a sp a special sucks i never had to do that i never had to watch my own special what about this one you didn't watch it i did i did i had to do this uh it's really it's rose it's rough right it's the worst thing ever yeah so i i have a when i do a special i have the a magic sauce that i do um i bring leanne uh i i and i bring cocktails yeah and so we sit down crack it talk to the editor about i'll get him to fill me in down everything first cocktail as soon as i feel a little bit of buzz like all right let's play it until we start playing it and uh leanne has a very um she's an invaluable human being to me yeah and on and we're going through a really good married period right now that's great like for whatever reason we're both we i think i got grounded so i've been gone for so long i think i got grounded and and it made her relax a little bit yeah i made everyone relax a little bit i had a great morning this morning i woke up early with my daughters watched georgia make breakfast i made myself an egg sandwich and we talked it was a really great morning i was a little bit of a [ __ ] but but uh she was a lot i was a [ __ ] who almost ruined it but yeah for real i mean her only animals got to a [ __ ] fight and then um but leanne is very almost like a serial killer is like very detached from the art she's seen it she knows it's good it's good we're gonna be fine and then she'll be like all right cut just chop all that [ __ ] out you don't need that [ __ ] and you're like dude i'm like hold on are you sure it's so funny it's so funny to have like a family like so i don't have anybody so the special is just me yeah it's funny that you have like mouths to feed and you're like alright guys come watch this and they have to sit there be like like if it sucks they have to sit there and be like [ __ ] we're gonna yeah we're gonna lose everything i [ __ ] i think leanne i think part of leanne's uh detachment emotional emotional detachment from the special is that she goes this is gonna pay this is how we make money for the next year and she just wants it to be the best it can be and she goes i know the material's good let's get to it cut this cut this cut this and wow like she'll be like i don't need it like really like really dismissive i'm like well i think that's a good part like there was a good chunk about our dogs and our cats in this in this special in the latin hey big boy she's like it's too long and i was like but they're your dogs and cats too like don't you i want them to get some attention and then she just is really she's really phenomenal at it and by the way she did it with a cabin she did it with um hey big boy secret time and the machine she edited all of them she's i i i give notes like i ultimately i guess i have final call but i don't really know what i'm seeing i know it's hard it's very i didn't know that i didn't because again this is the first time i've ever looked at a special but i was like i would write notes and be like what do you guys think like it'd be like we could do with this joke or do without it i don't care what do you guys think and everybody would be like no it's your decision and i'd be like i i've said this a thousand times yeah i don't think it's funny i don't think anything i think it's funny i'm laughing when i'm when everyone else is laughing because it's fun i'm like happy on stage yeah like when i sit down and watch it by myself i'm like this is terrible and then uh i i did it's funny the first time i watched the first draft of my special i was like oh [ __ ] like i suck i was like this whole time i was like i'm good at this i'm really good at this i'm excited to put this out and have people see it then i watched the special for the first time i was like i'm not gonna put this out this is terrible but then i had a couple drinks and watched it with my friends yeah and as soon as they started laughing i was like you know what's so funny is is once i get leanne's first pass and by the way and i say leanne's i and i should be fair to myself is that i'm not just some bystander i'm giving notes also yeah but when you hear someone else when you hear someone else go like it's gonna be fine it's a great special and you're like i don't think so i think it's horrible like i like all i could and this why i am nervous about watching the screening is i go i we watch dailies and i would and i would be like oh my god everyone in the room would be laughing and i'd be like this is so bad all that and then my co-star one of my co-stars said to me that was great what are you talking about and i was like did you see how baggy my eyes were and she was like she's like she's like she's like wait you just looked at yourself the whole time yeah of course and i was like yeah she goes have you ever watched a movie and just stared at one person and i went no no she was you you weren't looking at because you weren't looking at the and i can't say the thing but all the things in the things going off the things and i was like no i was looking at my hair oh people are going to think i look ugly yeah and they were like they're like you do look ugly that's why it's funny what do you think you're like a dreamboat yeah but it's it's it's uh by the second pass of the special where i give my notes then then you start getting hope and you go like you go okay that's not a good thing you know never one hope norm really yeah he's sorry but i go at the second pass i go oh this could be really good like if if i can figure out this chunks losing me if i can figure it out and luckily i shoot for specials you know what do you want to know what i had an epiphany so chappelle signs these deals for specials and he puts a lot of the money back into the special to make the special the best thing you said you've ever seen and in essence what i realized is he is cementing himself as the goat in comedy because not a lot of comics are willing to say say netflix gives me 20 million dollars to go i'll make a 20 million dollar special and go a movie cost 20 million dollars why wouldn't we make it why wouldn't i film it as many times as i could why would i give myself the best swings at best at bats as possible why wouldn't i pick the best location so many times you get a location where they're like you should do this in chicago and you're like well i was just in chicago like three months ago and they're like that's fine it's fine and i go no that's not fine like i i i it's so funny i said it too rogan and i i said i'd like to do my special where no one's seen the material that's why i did it in austin yeah yeah i've never never did a weekend in austin it's like they laugh at the the first time yeah they're like you should do it in philly and i'm like i've i've run it in philly and even if they've like the audience there in my own head i'm like they've heard this and the second i think the audience has heard my material before i'm like this sucks the show sucks i would never go to a market and do the same material twice why would i shoot my special i have well yeah but you're you're young same i'm running the same hour i i i you you takes you 10 years right your first hour yeah and then i would argue another fives right your second that's exactly where i'm at that was like 10 years yeah 10 years i did my first special comfortably dumb um two or three bits i'm still i still i'm super proud of yeah but the majority of it's kind of like majority of it's the majority of it is not it's not my voice yet mm-hmm um the machine is more my voice than that one and then secret time is like see your time's my voice yeah and then hey big boy is like hey big boy i i think is even more my voice and i go but i need to like distance myself from my voice and make it the next one needs to be and i think i have enough time between now and when i shoot my next special to really dial in this hour that's what you want you want the hour then you want the offer then you want a year or so to [ __ ] 18 months to work on it i don't have that much time but i have enough time where you go oh i can [ __ ] really make this good yeah like if you put in the work that's why it's so i'll tell you what it's so important to videotape yourself and watch yourself on camera i know every that's the the advice is always record it and listen to it and i'm just i can't but it's i know i should it's the same thing it's like you should write jokes and i'm like no i can't yeah no oh yeah but but write jokes and it's like i remember called i called stand up one time i've said this a million times and i call stanford what are you doing he goes i'm just writing goofs and i go what do you mean i'm trying to write a knock knock-knock joke stanhope stanhope and i went really and he was like yeah we're as funny as those guys i should be able to do this and i was like what do you got so far and he's like uh nothing good and i was like oh yeah i don't have to sit and try to write for my act i can just write for goofy [ __ ] sure and then see if it finds a way into my act like and some days i was telling tom i told leanne the other day and i told tom and i didn't realize it was a bit and i told the anne and i realized oh this could be a bit but i misread words a lot so like i told tom that the story is it's true i was in a [ __ ] strip mall and uh and i had extra time and i know what to do yeah and i saw this place called beard brothers and i was like oh this i just trimmed the other day but i was like oh i actually need my beard trimmed i'm like and i'm not on tv for a while it's like i might actually go to a beard place and let them do it and see how they do it like and like normally i won't do it because i'm very particular about how i look on television but i'm not on tv for like [ __ ] two months yeah three two months probably so i go i'm gonna let them do it and so i walked in and i was like this is not a barbershop i go this is a bakery yeah what the [ __ ] and then i look up and it says so i told it to leanne and i as i told it to leanne i went oh i can skinny this up that's a joke and and turn it into you know do you ever like to find it find a way to skinny it up so it's not this that's my problem all my jokes are in story form like it's not a problem though people like that yeah but you're it's funny even you telling your story about your sister going to rehab is it's it's so good because it's not it doesn't feel like a story but it is a story but it doesn't feel like a stereotypical story you'll see some guys tell stories and you can see that they've they've watched people tell stories and they tell a story the way the other people tell stories you know i'm not going to give you exact names but i can tell you guys right now who you're like oh they can but like you're that story is such a good [ __ ] i've got a story right now i'm trying to make a joke yeah i went to yeah maybe no no i have like four minutes of new material maybe i should burn it right no no no burn it no yeah i will dude i went to uh mount vernon i went to george washington's house his plantation really yeah i went to when you visit george washington where's mount vernon it's in it's around dc it's on the potomac and uh it's beautiful but it's it's actually a pretty shitty house it's a shitty house it's from [ __ ] 1770. it's like shitty but i went in there and uh i'll fast forward the whole thing but no no nope nope there's a part where i got in there and uh they have reenactors and i'm the only one there like this is it monday in the afternoon i'm just doing nothing oh wait i've been here yeah i've been here it's fine you know but they have reenactors [ __ ] i've been here so i go to the i went to the slave quarters yeah because i was like i want to see what's going on i want to see what the fuss is all about and i got down there and uh i heard like clopping down the bricks behind me and i turn around dude it was a slave re-enactor it was just a black dude dressed as a slave and just me in a track suit standing there and he was like he didn't break character none of them break character so this dude no that i haven't been here yeah this dude comes out me and him are the only dudes and he's like oh hello there sir this is not real this is real i swear to god oh my god i was standing there like [Music] like it was it was almost to the point where he was doing it like on purpose oh to see if you'd bite so i turned around i was just like dude like i mean that's basically the extent of the joke but it's like he's like you must be from the future look at your outfit where are you from so i was like i'm from now what are you doing out [Laughter] dude it was this guy this guy held me hostage as a slave re-enactor for it felt like 15 it must have been 10. it must have been 10 minutes straight of a dude what a [ __ ] of a dude pretending to be a slave talk at the [ __ ] well you know it's this past summer that's after the black lives matter's thing dude's like in the middle of it wait how the [ __ ] it was how bad do you need money or how uh how exhilarating is that you do two things one to be incredible actor and be in power in every moment because you know every white person's on the edge everywhere please dude please stop please stop what you're doing please stop please no you started this i'm doing my job please get the [ __ ] out of here get the [ __ ] out of here oh my god the whole time i was also thinking about him going in for a uh for the job interview and being like i'd like to be a tour guide here at the thing and they're like how do you feel about dressing up like a slave every day so my buddy steve said you guys have an opening and they're like well we do oh man i will say this there was one moment where he kind of broke because he was like he was talking about he was talking about george washington they all referred to him as like the general everybody so like martha washington comes out and she's like oh the general is asleep right now but i'll take you around the ground oh my god dude i'm by myself yeah this is insane they think i'm [ __ ] i have if i'm wearing a mask it's just my eyes everyone there i think thought oh my god so but then i run into this and all i could think of was him just like taking his uniform off and driving home or keeping while he's talking to me or putting it on for a jog yeah oh but is the point where he broke me uh he was or i would he was talking about george washington who's like the general and i was like is the general nice and he was like well he owns a plantation so no it's like it's like far out oh my god he was like well he owns slaves so no he's not great and i was like all right oh please stop stop what you're doing right now we did we did a for triplet we did a civil war reenactment with an african a mixed couple uh one black team and uh for what for triplet for my trial okay okay so anyway we take this couple from alaska down to um south carolina and the black dude's never been in the lower 48 and he's like black dude from alaska yeah and he plays baseball and um black dude from alaska that plays baseball plays minor league baseball yeah he by the way sidebar same guy hit me in the head of my dick with a snowball one time like a year earlier and i thought my dick exploded in my pants like i put my hand i was like it ruptured it exploded in my pants yeah um same dude he had a [ __ ] arm yeah cannon so we take him down his girlfriend i'm assuming he's not with now but uh his girlfriend a little bit of a hippie dreadlocks which now we know to be cultural appropriation and she's doing it right in front of him i mean just outrageous yeah but uh really cool dude i wish i remember his name and uh we the first activity we do is a civil war reenactment we go to a of and he goes we pull up and i realized oh [ __ ] yeah we did dude i have this yeah i said to him i go i go today we're going to a civil war we were at an accident as i said i'm like oh god and he goes what team are we on i go we're in south carolina so not the right one oh no you guys did a confederate reaction with the black dude or the black dude and they would not break character they would not break character they i will say they didn't do anything too atrocious but they were kind of dicks to him in my opinion they're good actors they're it's like that's their thing and and you can see he was like and what's interesting about this gentleman is if i'm not mistaken he'd never been to south carolina and he'd never experienced southern race i mean how about exactly what he thought it was gonna be and he was like he was like wow and we got in the car and i go hey man i am thank you for being so cool and but i i can't uh don't worry it won't it won't get worse than that and that night we get to our [ __ ] place we're spending the night and it is a plantation mansion same place you saw me in that suit taking the thing and we were doing a ghost adventure style thing you're sleeping in the slave quarters with your girlfriend who's white and they're haunted because the owner of the plantation's daughters were sleeping with slaves and he went in and killed all the slaves and it was crazy i know i know we took a we took a woman with ms this is [ __ ] horrible man this was horrible we took a woman with ms to alaska in our first activity you ever seen an officer and gentleman yeah when they put them in the roll cage slide them into the pool flip it upside down go to the bottom of the pool and you got to hook yourself and get out we put a woman with ms in there we didn't know she had ms she didn't disclose that she had ms and she literally almost drowned [ __ ] three times she never told us she had ms she was a cool [ __ ] chick she and she was like hard but bust ass hard ass like i've got this and i was super insensitive because at the end of the episode they reveal she has ms that they at the end of the episode and i'm going like what the [ __ ] wrong with you you why can't you just take your hand put it on the seat belt and that is the problem that's [ __ ] up that's [ __ ] up they didn't tell you well and we did it we did the most dangerous stuff that took coordination like we put him into it we put him into a into a um crevasse we lowered her into a crevasse 90 feet and gave her two [ __ ] ice picks i'm like get out and she has ms and she's like and when i go and where what is this [ __ ] like what the [ __ ] what the [ __ ] are you doing can we go back to the black and white couple oh yeah oh were you like i know this is 2013 or 14. so you're probably like it's getting close to when like no it wasn't close it wasn't close yet to woke no no i don't when was that it was 2012. okay yes you're four years away four years away from woke but there was a sensibility of like there had to be a part that was like but no because it was like it was like the whole point was you're up for anything right and we had we planned the trips for just anyone like and by the way i didn't plan the trips of course our team planned the trip yeah yeah for just anyone not thinking and i met i ran into this from alaska yeah never left alaska where and then they were actually the perfect couple they'd never left alaska and you're in your head where you go say to anyone else we want to take you to savannah georgia you would say who wants to go to savannah georgia and he lit up he's like i've never left never been in lower 48. he was like you know i got to be honest with you my family my my family is from down there and i would love to experience the south and i was like [ __ ] yeah perfect and i knew the dude and he was cool as [ __ ] i'd party with him before he was the coolest [ __ ] dude and he had a cannon on his arm yeah and he was a great looking guy yeah gorgeous girlfriend's pretty uh but it was it was uh it was it was we did a lot of that [ __ ] so this one couple i took to hawaii and as a joke i said uh which is when instagram just started popping up and i said we're in the we're in no wrong couple mark and a sling uh trip flip uh kawhi so the the point of the show was just taking people to a new place a couple yeah right so yeah the third over that that couple this couple right here i'm still friends with them i see them all the time i actually see i see them every time i go to a show and they were a lot like me we had a great time i had plantar fasciitis at this point moment so this trip is so [ __ ] up this is such a [ __ ] bizarre trip because we go we go into the woods to go see this like beautiful waterfall or whatever yeah and i go and instagram just showed up and i go hey uh why don't you get let's take a picture we'll post it on your instagram oh and uh and you get on a knee pretend you're proposing to her i'll take it i'll post it on my instagram and and it will just it'll be like a gag and they're like and we're all laughing we're like great great call great call so he gets on his knee takes a picture we're in the middle of forest i posted instagram we don't think about it at all we keep doing our hike see the waterfall whatever we come back we get to do our next segment and ace things like oh that was a bad idea i go why she goes my mom called me crying she's like i'm so proud of you i'm so happy and then mark shows up he's like dude you take that picture off here this isn't cool i guess you're not supposed to [ __ ] around with engagements he's like oh god you need to take it down so then so then we take them so then this is the next segment we're going so i take it down and then they go what are we doing today and i said oh today we're hunting a pig and so they're like hunting a pig and i go yeah and all these pit bulls show up we're on steve case is steve case a person dude this show is wild you hunted a pig with pit bulls it gets worse and they rip the parts it gets worse we type him type in the [ __ ] pictures from this are [ __ ] insane so we hunt the pig 12 pit bulls show up they all have tracking devices on them they let them go and they start hunting the pig and then we start running after the pit bulls and then all sudden we hear and the pit bulls have got the pig one on each leg right two on a snout one on an [ __ ] they're holding it's the most violent thing i've ever seen in my [ __ ] life thank god and one of the dudes were with takes a knife and goes who's killing it and i look at acne she goes no no and i go and he gives me the knife and i go i hear the director go it's not your trip it's their trip let them kill the pig so i go mark it's your turn oh my god he goes huh and then mark looks like he goes what am i supposed to do and the guy who's stabbed at the heart dude didn't i swear to god i swear to god i swear to god they [ __ ] got it they empty the guts the dogs eat the guts and they they tie his feet together hide the front behind the front and put it on me like a backpack and i walked it out of the woods i swear to god i swear to god this is this is a comedy you know you know that this is a comment oh this is like a show about this show like a badger like i i have that picture somewhere of me with a [ __ ] hog over my back pig type pig um i wonder if it's in my [ __ ] phone just being like hey i'm gonna be on a television show it's just you in the jungle dogs ripping apart a pig so aggressive which one's kawhi this one's kawaii i bet i got it i bet i got it this is the picture of them proposing okay it was a simpler time and then i mean i hope i have this picture i don't have a picture hold on maybe no oh that sucks too dude just you know i've got the picture somewhere it's on my profile picture for something i don't know what it is and i and it's me with a pig on my back and it's like what the [ __ ] just a director forcing a guest to stab a pig in the heart while dogs are tearing it apart is is [ __ ] hilarious is it my facebook it's not my facebook it's definitely not my facebook what is it it's a profile picture of something of mine where i go oh i can't ever get rid of that profile picture because i can't i don't have it but yeah it was this show was [ __ ] it was very funny it was chaos i remember we went we went took a couple and rush in uh to new york and we go hey we're going to go to the russian baths right yeah oh cool what's that come on so the first thing every couple is like oh this will be fun it's like oh i don't want to do it i don't want to do it i guess all right everyone take their clothes off and they're just like wait wait let's get so much work hold on so they so that everything girl's like i'm not really comfortable getting totally naked and they're like ugh fine and then we're bathing you're not supposed to you're supposed to be naked in these russian baths and it's supposed and so she was like i'm not comfortable being naked on camera and around you guys and everyone was like the [ __ ] people running we're like fine jesus and so so we go we do the steam that's like 250 degrees in the [ __ ] sun it's so [ __ ] hot we getting the water slice cold and they're like all right she's first birch bath and we're like what he's like they're like you lay marble slob and they go all right sergey is going to do you and so they pull i swear to god they pull the curtain back and sergey is covered with herpes oh no dude he's like i don't wanna go i'm gonna do it the best the best the best one ever so we go to paris france type in paris france scub picture trip flip paris france we go to paris france and and we tell them we go to the notre dame like right outside the notre dame and uh and maybe type in art or something and so we go to the notre dame and we're in this art studio that's overlooking the notre dame and they go uh to we the i'm not in the shot it's the two get travelers and they're like today you are going to be artists and they're like cool and my director's like all right here's what we're going to do we're going to we're going to really flip their trip dude they're going to be directors they're going to be they're going to be doing art and they're going to think they're painting the notre dame but it's going to be you coming out naked and i went cool and so they're looking at the dom and then i come up behind them oh my god and they're like and the artist goes so today you're painting your subject over here and they turn around the woman goes oh [ __ ] and they had told my crew to shoot it tastefully they could use it gets worse so my dick is freezing we're in [ __ ] paris france in the winter what are we doing dick is is [ __ ] like like this like this yeah like this and so i and so someone says hey man i'm really cold in here can we throw a heater on him and my sound guy goes can we put a heater on bert and someone's like yeah so they i swear to god they bring a sound they bring us heater over to me i hope you did point it on me and my dick starts growing just going like oh and everyone in the room goes oh my god what is this show we took this exact same couple this exact same couple we put them very cool couple i'm not sitting on any of the couples they're nobody that like the boyfriend's just like jesus oh he he he was laughing the whole time he was laughing hysterically she was not cool with it and then we took them directly from here and we go all right we're going and we cut the corner and we'll go we're going in a hell we're spending the night in a in a castle and we're like okay and go and we're staying in a helicopter flight getting there in a helicopter and he goes sweet and she freezes right yeah freezes and i'm like okay i was like it's fine i go don't worry about it it's gonna be fine she's like no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no oh i got i got it i got it i got it so we got the helicopter we have cocktails in there the guy's probably kind of into it and i'm like [ __ ] really into it she is frozen she is white and i go i go hey are you okay she goes i just i'm not cool with helicopters i go well it's going to be quick it's like a 40-minute flight she was like and then on the headset he goes she just lost four friends in a helicopter last week and i was like what and she was like yeah i worked for mountain rescue so i have four friends i work at the hospital my four friends from mountain rescue just died in a helicopter and i'm like oh [ __ ] this is just [ __ ] triggering as [ __ ] and then she goes and then she goes just these things aren't safe one screw and the whole thing falls apart and then i'm like oh [ __ ] no is that true [Laughter] what are the odds of like hey we're gonna get in a helicopter it's like four of my friends died last week in a helicopter they were mountain rescue out there there's these couples from denver it's funny you know i i have such intimate experiences with so many of these people that cup that couple right down there they're divorced she lives in hot in uh she lives in uh [ __ ] funnybone northern new york syracuse she was in syracuse i see her all the time nice comes my show i see a lot of these people all the time they come to my shows and they're like hey man like that but none of them knew who i was when they were doing when they signed up for this yeah and uh it's crazy i i've i have a bunch of them like we had one of the one of the women allison and uh and uh i'm [ __ ] blanking on names i'm drunk uh we came over when i was on tour this summer and cut all our hairs on tour i'm feeling good too yeah i'm feeling buzzed this is not even sick in the sip one this is nice we uh we had we did a lot of stuff and there was other things that you know because people didn't know you didn't know everything about a person it's like we had one trip where we took uh a an african american couple is how you say it a black couple and we took them to go uh into the ocean and no everyone just was like i'm no one's gonna say hey no one's gonna say can you guys swim right but what you don't realize there is also a pride that you don't want to be a man that goes hey man i can't do this i can't swim yeah so the guy i didn't know how many people couldn't swim a lot of people canceled a lot of people who can't swim cut this out so can you believe that yeah he was shocked he was shocked that people knew how to swim i was with my friends when when we filmed the special in austin i brought me my bun a bunch of my friends mckeever all these guys we went we had a pool i had but i bought a nice airbnb and me and my friend stayed there and then we all went swimming and like three of my friends can't swim oh it's amazing we taught him they're all from fit they're all from philly they're all from cities if you're from a city you can't swim and jesus trejo yeah we i thought we taught him how to swim we went on tour this summer and we're like we're gonna teach you how to swim and now we can't believe it's like uh well you know what i mean i mean yeah you're so used to it who are we just with oh t-pain can't swim that makes perfect no but t-pain was like he's like it's it's an example of like i'm comfortable in the water yeah but i can't swim like i can be in the water but i just can't go over my head and you're like okay what are you doing oh yeah we taught yeah look at this we taught hit right there he wore a mask and snorkel but now i know that snorkel really helped him oddly enough not being able to swim is very funny is by the way hit pause uh drowning grown man strength is the strongest thing i've ever felt oh you tried to like help him and he was like pulling you and when he would grab you and you'd be like whoa yeah zeus is [ __ ] like he thinks he's champions he's strong yeah like and so well i wouldn't say something like that yeah i know [Laughter] now what you said was very bad chimpanzee this podcast is brought to you by crowdhealth for many people in the u.s concerned about the cost of health insurance there are no good options enter crowd health crowd health isn't health insurance it's a better way to pay medical expenses it is a community of people who are tired of paying for a broken system a place where you can get simple flexible and affordable ways to pay for your health care being in the crowd health community can save hundreds of dollars monthly and put thousands of dollars back into your 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can get their first month for free and after you've been a member crowdhealth will invite will include a fitness wearable that's going to keep you healthy that's 30 days to try risk-free plus the fitness wearable just go to joincrowdhealth.com fit and enter the code bert signup that's join crowdhealth.com fit promo codes bert crowd health is not health insurance it is a community powered alternative terms and conditions may apply the chimps dude have you ever seen the chimp that ate that woman's face have you ever had a chip i had a chimp locked down on my i had one no i've never been around type in burke chrysler chimpanzee i had a chimp on my left i'm straddling my head like sitting uh like piggyback was it in no that's like this is uh piggyback they media piggyback is it how come i don't have any of these pictures that i need right now i had a chimp it was on a tv show called fresh baked video games and he was on my head and the trainer was like and he grabbed onto my ears and the trainer [ __ ] freaked out and the chimp locked down and i never felt strength like that like [ __ ] and he was like oh he would have just ripped your [ __ ] ears off then he would have bit your face but anyway back to trip flip back to trip flip we take this couple out in the middle the ocean put him in wetsuits give him flippers and i guess the guy thought the wetsuit would keep him buoyant and he didn't know how wetsuits work and he jumped in the ocean and just sank and my sound guy john sales ripped off his gear dove in the water after him and pulled him out of the [ __ ] drink and was like and the guy just popped up and goes i can't swim and we're like what were you thinking you were gonna do uh he's like i was like and i was like you've never done it it's crazy man i don't know they i guess because i swam when i was like a kid yeah or like you start when you're so young but like it does seem something that's just natural like you would get in water and be like so kyle cease do you remember who kyle sees is i don't think so he was i saw him no he was a comic back in the day he's a motivational speaker now fascinating subject stan he used to do a thing called comedy boot camp and sounds terrible it well stanhope wrote a scathing subject doug would you not like of i would i would i would pay the ten thousand dollars to watch kyle's family be marched up on stage and systematically murdered before i'd pay ten thousand dollars to learn like stanhope wrote a scathing scathing review of this and it kind of broke kyle forever and he never kept just stayed in stand up and kind of now he's a motivational speaker and he's not saying he's not that's not very motivating well i don't know anyway so one article and you quit your dream type now you're motivated i love the article it's pretty [ __ ] aggressive stan hope can really start feeling psycho stand up can definitely i've had to stand up i'd stayed out there and he would hit every once while he'd drink enough to hurt your feelings yeah you would like it'd be me and him drinking it like 2 a.m and he'd just turn to you and hit you what is that is that his article anyway um oh so wait what was i gonna say come about he's swimming what was i saying he's is he swimming kelsey motivational speaker oh kyle cease started having panic attacks that's why he's a motivational speaker now he was having panic attacks before he did his half hour comedy percent special presents and and he don't read it listen the story he thought he his panic attack made him think what if i pass out can you make yourself pass out now i wonder if there's a you know what the yips are right i wonder if you get the yips with swimming and for unlearn how to swim no why not they'd be like getting the yips with like walking but the yips show up swimming yeah if you were like a competitor define the yips to anyone the yips is uh i don't know the best way to describe it is like a let's say like a pitcher i i don't know it's time to type in type in the yips it's like so let's say like a starting quarterback carson wentz yeah carson wentz incredible quarterback for this he was he got he hurt his knee and then just kind of nice i said pitcher and that's the pit the hips are involuntary wrist spasms that occur most commonly when golfers are trying to putt however the yips can also affect people who play other sports such as cricket darts and baseball it was once thought that the yips were always associated with performance anxiety so the yips is a real thing type in examples of yips is it the mayo's clinic yeah symptoms so the bottom the the google search was did chuck knoblach get over the yips chuck knobbock had the ips i guess he must have been the number one it's oh so it's just in your wrist thank god so i was like i wonder if you get the yips from stand up yeah but it's also about your brain too the most it's a common thing symptom associated with the yips is an involuntary muscle jerk although some people experience tremors twitches spasms or freezing probably freezing is the one that so i had i had a mild version of the yips in high school and it's and i couldn't play third base because of it but the yips for me were mental yeah i think the the yips is like just a common phrase for like [ __ ] up or choking so wait like out of nowhere choking like you you're having like i was watching you watch once upon a time in queens yet it's a new 30 for 30 on the mets like the 86 mets like doc goodin and [ __ ] strawberry great i forgot i forgot they were made extra lenny dykes hilarious before no he rules now he's out of control is he really dude look at his twitter's like trump rules he's just wild uh but yeah the doc gooden he's pitching 85 he's he's unbelievable unhittable like 1.5 era through like 30 like crazy yeah and then middle of the season he starts getting the yips a little and that's how it happens i've been dot good and yips but it was i mean his yips were like he lost two games oh and you know it's a documentary they're playing it up but like the you're going to watch that i'm going to watch it it's so good i'm going to watch that today it's so good and yips i mean i think i think him and uh go for videos i want to watch him have the ips i i'm not sure you would be able to see it i'm sure it would just be him giving up a hit it's funny um [Music] i had uh one of the trip flip families we took was to arizona two young men both like 15. put them in like a [ __ ] salt mine fit no we gotta do i know what did you do to these people 15 15 17 maybe yeah the boys really cool really cool dad really great mom it was a family it's a family we did an rv i think we watched we we spent the night on the on the rim of the of the of the uh the grand canyon grand canyon we spent time we pulled in at night we parked the [ __ ] thing these it's an indian reservation they allow us access right very cool but they back us in with flashlights and we're out there we can't see a [ __ ] thing and we wake up the next morning and we are 10 feet we had been [ __ ] around 10 feet from the edge of the [ __ ] thing we're like oh yeah like we could have [ __ ] fallen off like no we're like [ __ ] around running around and so uh but one of the kids we go to play we stay at a campsite one night and we're playing wiffle ball and they're both into baseball and one of the kids is like oh yeah my brother's got the yips and i go what he goes ah you'll see and he's like and he couldn't throw the ball charles barkley is the best example do you ever see his charles barkley's golf golf that's the yep she goes back and he goes yeah that's the yips strictly mental i think well i think it is charles barkley's got a new golf swing charles barkley might be one of my favorites he's awesome him and shaq god yeah that's the if dude that's crazy yeah what time is it close closed 130 yeah yeah it's getting close just it doesn't look like he hits it very far either do you think he does that on purpose no but he is a big dude have you seen a picture of him jack i just met rock i saw him at uh that's a beautiful swing he's got a thick ass dude he walks around weird he's [ __ ] up he does not look right wait go back i want to see that video again sparkly looks crazy i like his new golf swing dude i ran into him at an airport uh at the beginning of covent yeah and i sat i like it it was early in the morning so i was like yo what's up fan all that and then i get to wherever i was going i forget where i was going and then i looked at the news and they're like does charles barkley have covid19 what the [ __ ] and then they never released his uh his test results for like three weeks i uh i just got tested this morning for the i have to get tested for the screening mm-hmm and i come out and leanne's like tomorrow are you excited no no no i mean no because i'm not i'm not a good you know judge of type in charles barkley have you seen this picture of charles barkley who's 58 and that's what he looks like no way i didn't think he was 58. he's the ass and shaq and the rock have you seen this no they probably dwarf the rock look at how small the rock is is that real yeah that's real i mean shack is a that's not real that's a real picture that how tall is the rock six 6-3 i think all right that might be real the rock's a big man because barkley's six six it just said the rock is mine okay no see he's okay okay he's in that's some no that's a pumped up hollywood number he's not really six five okay if he was 6'5 he would have started at miami i've stood next to him and he's like he's he's my height okay type in the rock and mark wahlberg find out mark wahlberg's height real quick type in the because you know mark wahlberg's gotta be five nine five eight five eight yeah then mark wahlberg and the rock so five eight six five this better be monumental okay not in a movie because they're gonna okay that's that's right that's real walking garage looks preposterous that's real water just like a [ __ ] idiot who's the who's the other dude in that picture what's his name i know that guy anthony anderson anthony mackie is a good laugher we did a we i did a show one of my one of my buddies omar dorsey was producing a show called the cut and it was basically what we got that's a wahlberg the rock and shack okay that's the same picture just so we're clear the rock is not six rock's not even close to six five no if cause charles is six six and he's leaning and he's old so charles is probably taller than six six i could have sworn it was nice to be i know you'd think he'd be six nines hold on if mark wahlberg's charles barkley's height he can't be six six by the way i'm by the way i'm friends with the rocks so let's let's stop talking [ __ ] about the rock is he are you yeah you want to hear about his voice message no i saved it i saved it he said no by the way i remember the first time i got retweeted by the rock i lost my goddamn [ __ ] really i lost my i've i've vocally been against the rock how could you possibly be vocally against a rock because he like brags about waking up early and lifting yeah okay so yeah they're not one inch apart but but that's that's his game i know that's his gig look it came from a place of insecurity clearly well oh well no i i do have i'm a little correct on something okay i'll tell you what i'm guilty of talking [ __ ] about kevin hart i talk [ __ ] about kevin hart but it but not talk [ __ ] it was meant to be a joke the same way i talked [ __ ] about i mentioned mullany and the same thing that rant that you do with friends then you try it on stage and it just doesn't come out right and by the way then then you realize you're totally inaccurate about all the [ __ ] you're saying because it was all the hardest working man in show business stuff and i was like well what about the luck because i know a lot of it's luck you know and then you realize oh it's not it can't just be luck there's a lot of lucky people that also tell you what i didn't like about the rock was i was like waking up hungover and looking at instagram and there'd be a guy like 5 30. i'm in the iron dog paradise iron peridot and then he'd be like cheat day i'm eating cookies i'd be like all right dude just eat the cookies don't take a picture of it i love this cheat days type in the rock's cheat day i love you do you like this just be just do the cheat day i do it all the time yes i am always cheating you know what i did yesterday i increased the size of my fork i started using a serving fork yeah fill your mouth it's like it's like you ever this is what i can remind it'll remind you of you ever been putting away thanksgiving dinner and you take a scoop of mac and cheese with the serving spoon and you go that is the bite i've been needing my whole [ __ ] life yeah and i went through my fridge and i took bites with the serving fork of everything and then it's like [ __ ] it my wife calls she goes have you eaten and i was in the middle of eating and i was like yeah she was like oh never mind i go wait wait pretend i haven't eaten what's up she was like you want to go get ice cream and i was like [ __ ] yeah okay it's like when you said do you want to drink today i go yeah i want ice cream yeah went to baskin robbins got a double scoop of reese's and snickers and i [ __ ] tore it up i had ice cream all over my beard i was sticky that's gay i was the [ __ ] best it was the best i don't like you know what i don't like i think what i don't like about it is when guys are like sexual about their food you know really like the rock like film be like look at this oh let's see it yeah that's dude that's every day welcome to my iron paradise that's every day i eat pizza see that's the problem with doing a bit about the rock is you're gonna come off like you don't like the rock until you find the middle ground where it shows that you love the rock obviously the rock's awesome he's the [ __ ] greatest there's no question the rock is awesome although i did like mankind him and mankind used to fight and i was a mankind fan and all my friends liked to rock i wonder if i could do the rox tattoo you could pull off a smell tattoo oh you want here before we go yeah this has been bothering me there's a show called impeachment let's see on fx but no it's about monica lewinsky and bill clinton so me and my lady are watching this and i'm sitting there talking to my lady and i'm like because she was disparaging monica and i was like i met monica lewinsky let me tell you this if you were in the oval office just you and bill clinton in 93 or 94 you're sucking his dick yeah and this is a and i was like i think you need to adm and i was demanding i was like you need to admit to me that you would give bill clinton ahead in 1993. and she was like no i wouldn't that's gross and i was like lady you sucked my dick yeah 93 bill clinton bill clinton 93 in the oval the most charming man around in probably one of the funnest guys to be in the oval office he's the guy where you go where you sit down with him and he goes uh and you get a few drinks in him and he's like i don't know trump's all right don't you think yeah dude i mean i really killed it i'll tell you what george w and his daddy i like both of them yeah he i mean imagine the audacity of your woman looking you in the face saying she wouldn't give bill clinton ahead in the oval office in 93. or whenever that was [ __ ] 90 billion five i really liked bill clinton he voted for him i voted for him in my fraternity house and everyone voted for his george bush and they mocked me and i was like i was like how the [ __ ] do you not like bill clinton i was like he plays [ __ ] saxophone it worked he tricked you oh [ __ ] loved that guy and then and then the lewinsky thing happened we were in north carolina writing a script and that's when they did the whole impeachment thing and yeah he admitted it i remember with my friends graduated college with my 97 probably uh admitted it i moved to l.a to start a tv show [ __ ] third night there monica lewinsky walks into my bedroom hi they said you have beer in here i was like i i do i said you're you're monica and she goes yeah you gave head you're that lady who gave head once by the way she was so [ __ ] cool i bet she was so [ __ ] cool it's funny to be fit like she's famous for giving head once well and getting like a cigar what's funny what's funny is getting yeah but what's funny is the i i don't know if the word is right the comeuppance meaning the way that the society is shift so monica lewinsky does that everyone hates her [ __ ] guts and then all sudden they realize wait the people that hated her guts were bad for hating her guts now we flip it she celebrated paris hilton britney spears they trash them you're a [ __ ] you're bad for our children all of a sudden they flip it and they're like how dare you have ever made a joke calling her a [ __ ] and you're like wait what [ __ ] because i'm the age where i go i moved to new york and started comedy when all those people showed up and now i'm still in comedy going that was i mean i i didn't just i don't i didn't have political jokes nor did i have those type of jokes but that was fair [ __ ] game back in the day of course it still is so funny i think so going on and be like you know who's a [ __ ] ladies who give ahead everyone's like this guy's out of his mind this guy's [ __ ] crazy i mean it's so funny that everybody criticized her for giving ahead yeah they did by the way like what a [ __ ] it's like yeah that you know what's funny that was what my lady was trying to say she was like i would i wouldn't hook up with a guy who's married and i was like he's the president of the united states and then i started trying to argue that my girlfriend would blow trump all right pull up pull up married heads of state that we would [ __ ] married well first off every state every president has been married except me and you married female heads of state so you type in female heads of state they're all married i'm sure like this is crazy you guys with your googling yeah we got to stop doing you both of you guys the conversation's totally [ __ ] taking a turn everyone's like stop [ __ ] googling no no no it's good this is good but you guys are bad at googling you can listen female heads of state click images just click email aoc aoc smash or pass yes i would have i would do whatever she wanted yeah okay what if what if she says i'll have sex with you but i need you to commit give me all your votes for the rest of your life to vote the way i want them to go yeah voting do you think i give a [ __ ] about voting whoa these are female world leaders not great i'll be on okay no this is the ones we're looking for you know angela merkel could get it dude germany's chancellor or whatever do we still go by chancellors yeah yeah it's two stories you would want it you would eat your ass for real yeah angela merkel she's a babe dime dude [ __ ] miracle she could get it merkel could get it uh although i will say i think finland or norway one of the scandinavian countries went with like an all-female uh leadership and they like uh she can get it not that unit that lady looks like [ __ ] yes yes whoa here's the babes dude whoa finland whoa holy [ __ ] finland feeling with the baby god damn i'm fairly certain these group of hot women ran the country into the ground government this is their government no no [ __ ] way yeah and don't get me wrong dude i think they're not doing great no type in type in finland type in finland coveted numbers you know these girls are like no bottles are fine it's happy hour it's five o'clock somewhere women are all about the lockdowns and then no finland's numbers are up again they're spiking oh that's a world case this was like 4.5 million deaths in finland 1051 deaths not bad not bad oh it's so cold everyone's got [ __ ] scarves on and they're inside get it finland's [ __ ] leadership numbers are they're type in those leaders again i want to get to know them yeah right i'm going the leader the brunette queen she's bae okay i was actually torn between the blonde and the one okay well let's just name them as in their snl chicks okay or or female trainers that we know that looks like nicole kidd polar yeah tina fey amy poehler nicole kidman and chelsea peretti well where's nicole kidman the dead middle center middle center right to the left i thought we were doing comedians [Laughter] we're drinking vodka oh [ __ ] [ __ ] baby prime minister this podcast is derailed so bad my [ __ ] polar oh yeah the way i would totally totally i think yeah so sexy people let's pull up female comedians pt in five minutes just leave oh are you serious yeah all right all right we should [ __ ] wrap this up okay we should rank dudes let's do the ring chris frank dude hottest guys hottest guys um how does guys in comedy in new york i think i think soder he's like my classmates up there norman's a dreamboat soda is it i think soda is like cute and goofy sodas type in type 10 top 10 most attractive male comedians oh well let's and let's see if we've changed in the last couple years uh i'll tell you who i'll tell you by the way all these guys uh it's gonna be pete davidson they think ryan reynolds is a comedian i think david's good-looking tosh is good-looking yeah look at burbigly up there that's preposterous outrageous daniel tosh is up there oh yeah i didn't even think you didn't even damon wayne i didn't think like i'm just thinking white guys because i'm thinking you're thinking normally who i'd [ __ ] you thinking normal regular canadians damon wayne's slack comedians who's more attractive dave chappelle by the way we guys just stopped this is the dumbest thing this is us ruining our careers yeah it has been a great podcast thanks for doing it congrats on the special thanks man i really appreciate it no i appreciate you doing this appreciate it i'm glad we got [ __ ] a little buzzed enjoy corolla look do don't watch my special watch the next adam corolla special or episode it'll be great i'm going to pretend i'm not drunk the whole time so just just lean in to go i'd love to try some of your mangria really is he gonna have drinks in the studio you can get mangria he'll have you he's he has a i don't even i've never even heard of mangria it's his it's a made-up word sangria line oh okay all right i would love hey you got cold beer or a [ __ ] like do man [ __ ] all right yeah awesome man oh this is great you're the man you're the man [Music] [Music] you

Channel: Bert Kreischer

Views: 3,451,577

Keywords: Bert Kreischer, BertKreischer, Bert Stand Up, The Machine, Bertcast, Podcast, comedy podcast, Shane Gillis, bert kreischer, bertkreischer, bertcast, bert kreischer netflix, bert kreicher, bert kraisher, bert, burt, comedy, funny, stand up comedy, jokes, comedian, funny jokes, podcast, cooking, bert kreischer podcast, bert kreischer roast, comedy videos, stand up comedian, watch now, shane gillis, gillis, shane, must watch, watch list, comedy watch

Id: TuaTUSjOHYU

Length: 189min 39sec (11379 seconds)

Published: Wed Oct 06 2021