Bertcast # 525 - Jelly Roll & ME

hey guys brand new podcast and check this out i got nothing to promote i'm home for two months red rocks september 13th hobbit red rocks i i haven't announced i got a list of tour dates that i haven't announced for uh september october november and december uh so i'll announce those soon probably in a couple weeks to be more exact but uh for the most part enjoy today's podcast today's podcast is with jelly roll if you don't know who jelly roll is i swear to god you have your head under a rock he is one one of the one of the biggest artists coming out of nashville at this time you may first of i've known of jelly roll for a while i've been a fan of his for a while um he had a big splash we talked about this on the podcast he did a song open her up with andrew schultz that went [ __ ] viral that was a huge hit he was did kimmel last night he is [ __ ] awesome he's got a hip-hop album coming out he does country music he's tatted his wife's a badass her name's bunny she's got a huge youtube presence he's he's amazing we talk about podcasting a lot because we're both fans of the podcast he's also a big partier that is where we are brothers in spirit and we always will be we had so much fun we didn't drink he talked about doing kimmel last night he talked about partying last night we almost edited it out then we kept it in this is a fun podcast it's two plus hours it's i think it's two hours and 45 minutes uh and we talk about comedy we talk about songwriting we're talking about joke writing we talking about him going to prison when he was 15. we talk about prison we talk about tattoos we talk about everything he's in red rocks october 23rd not to be overshadowed by me being red rocks september he's in red rocks october 23rd the bridgestone arena december 9th you can go to his website jellyroll615.com and uh and i look i i don't need to say much more you're going to absolutely love them my brother in spirit in party in art in size jelly roll so now that i'm sitting in this chair it makes me wonder how big stavros actually is he just quit come down he quit podcast really yeah it's crazy man i'm such a fan of him cute me too i'm such a fan of come town have you ever listened to come down dude i uh i literally those guys make me giggle so [ __ ] hard and he just put up a big thing he's like i'm out i quit i was like oh man i got so [ __ ] bummed yeah but you know i think he's torn ridiculous right it's hard to juggle everything i'm i'll tell you what i'll tell you what i'm i listen i've listened to you on a lot of podcasts i feel like i feel like uh we have a similar energy right i know that we've i've been told i have i've been told that i remind people of you and vice versa every comedy club i've ever walked into in america when i'm in a green room at some point they're like have you [ __ ] met bird i was like he's my favorite comedian i'd [ __ ] loved him there was someone told me i came out with you know buy shots for everyone we're doing oh yeah fully loaded last week and we get done lawrenceville we're up in the sky box and yep so i just empty out a bottle i just emptied out a bottle full of shots right it's like [ __ ] it we're not gonna sit on this bottle 100 empty it out start calling everyone in for shots and dorfman uh brian dorfman goes [ __ ] you and jelly roll did he take a shot with you of course we're like the only two people he'll take shots with him at least that's his sales pitch to me he's like [ __ ] you and bert that's it i'm only drinking beer unless it's your birthday but i'm curious i wanna i like i feel like i know everything about you i feel like i know a lot about you without knowing enough right because i i started fi i'm trying to remember when i started following you see i was into that whole oh thank you i was into that whole um i've always been into uh hip-hop i know you're kind of venturing away from hip-hop but i know that when you started you had a little more hip-hop influence but still i still got a hip-hop album coming out this year oh do you really yeah i love what you do across all all platf all platforms of music but i'm curious like i'm curious about your actual come up i know felony at 15 i know like i but i don't want to touch on all of this this is wild to me by the way oh dude i'm a fan i'm a fan dope thank you and uh it's look dude let enough people tell you you look like someone you start looking in the mirror going god i gotta slow down because you're like me uh we both go to a cardiologist yep we both make sure we get we can afford to live a lifestyle we want to live yes sir because we and i think that both of us our lifestyles are made to be more than they are and we don't say a word exactly because it it's not bad for business yeah for sure people think i wake up and start drinking immediately my friends my friends think when we just saw october rogan asked me he goes is this going to be can you stop drinking fruit i remember that he was like are you gonna have they thought you were gonna have to like go to rehab or something to get sober for 30 days and i remember thinking what am i putting out there that you know that they don't know that i can just i didn't drink last night no shakes no sweat sure i just went to bed that's it just normal nights maybe took a slither over xanax if i couldn't sleep but that bothered me there's nothing wrong with that milligrams my wife calls it a lick just lick the xanax one time sometimes what i'll do is i'll empty them and all the broken ones i'll play roulette and see if it adds up to a milligram oh that's it that'll do it um i love when my wife goes you need to take his xanax yeah i i said to my uh obviously i had this oral surgery yesterday that was a [ __ ] nightmare god what would you deal with that on fully loaded oh yeah yeah so i was dealing with it i was dealing with on birdie boy relapse i woke up one morning and my my jaws just like i'm shooting down my jaw and i'm like [ __ ] and like as a big guy your first thing you think when something shoots down the jaw it's like this is it it's happening it's here i wake up every morning i do this just to make sure i'm not having a stroke i'll send you i'm going to show you the picture of what i sent my parents so i i wake up i think i can do it this way i wake up and i look in my mouth and i see hopefully it's coming up soon i see this and i go [ __ ] i need to i need to go see a dentist like it's not on here it is a hole the size of a pee in my back tooth and it's black oh and and i knew so i had had i had teeth problems right before uh during the pandemic and i knew that was there but it didn't bother me and then one day i started bothering me and i was like [ __ ] and and then one day on tour it started bothering me and so i went in this is like the worst case scenario i'm always afraid of the cardiologist or a doctor give me bad news i go in and they're like uh so you can't we can't save the tooth and i hate to say we're gonna have to break your jaw what and i was like what do you mean they're like we're gonna break your jaw and we're going to have to give you a brand new set of teeth most of which will be implants from your wisdom we're just going to pull all your wisdom teeth and then we're going to give you implants from your back second back molars up into your like nines or nine to seven whatever numbers they said like these two and we're just gonna give you all new teeth but you're gonna be without teeth for a long time i feel like eight months and i went i mean it just was so it was and so that's what they told me during birdie where we left so i just said no i didn't just say second opinion i went let's just see what happens do i die first we're about to get this surgery i don't know if you've ever felt that way you're like sure yeah and so then i got i go in yesterday i lost a veneer i'm fully loaded right here and i said i don't know uh i gotta go get that fixed right just go in and the guy's like we need to address the thing in your back your mouth is that hurting i just been using a water pick and then filling it with hydrogen peroxide every day to get rid of whatever right and uh and i was like oh i don't think we need he's like we need to deal with that now and so i spent from 10 a.m till 6 p.m in the dentist chair going to a couple different dentists so he they just did the best they could and they got the they saved one tooth which they were going to pull immediately save that tooth and now my wisdom tooth which i don't need they're going to try to save and then worst case scenario get rid of the wisdom tooth right and then the guy literally said i don't think this is i don't think we need to break your jaw good [ __ ] it was just phil had to go get a [ __ ] root canal done right off tour and do they fix they fix the veneer too no he goes we because that's not our problem right now because our problem is you have a decaying tooth do you know what he did he said to me he goes he goes okay i don't know the right way to explain this to you but i want to freak you out pretend this window's fire okay this window is your uh pretend this windows fire this is your nerve right we're going to take your nerve as close to the fire until we feel the fire we may not touch the fire but you may feel the heat so no novocaine i'm going to start drilling into your tooth until you feel it what it's like putting your dick in a rouse mouse trap and just going in the dark and going i don't know if it's closed or not i mean i spent i spent an hour of him just drilling and drilling and finally hit the nerve no i mean it's just it's when you hit a nerve i go huh okay we found it yeah instant [ __ ] wow are those golds permanent yeah see i might do that this one dude i'm telling you [ __ ] been a pirate my whole life when did you first look old fat pirate i had a i don't know i've had goals for probably [ __ ] 18 years really what did you make when did you make i'm always curious about face to toes and like because i want the state of florida i always want the state of florida right here that was one i wanted that would be my very first one way to [ __ ] go dude you're gonna do it just throw it all out let's go right here yeah the state of florida that's what i tell my rock and roll friends they'll have their hands and neck done and they're like i'm afraid to hit my face i'm like you're [ __ ] you know what i'm saying like as soon as you hit your knuckles and neck you're [ __ ] dude i just started with the face if i was you you just worked my way down i was going to do that i was going to do that to i was going to do that to throw the door so i was like i'd like it i'd like it i think it would be cool looking right i think it would be subtle and it would it would and like if i get anything on my chest because i perform shirtless it may be distracting right right so i didn't so but i my wife killed that one i thought my first i don't do that probably in like 16 or 17 or 18 maybe so you went to jail yeah i was in jail they were in there doing pick and pokes or they had made guns out of like cd players where you could like fast forward cassettes and they turn that the engine the motor from that into the tattoo gun and they take a guitar string which is so dope you got a bunch of guitars in here yeah when i first seen you play the guitar blew my [ __ ] mind i thought it was like a prop and then i was like no he can actually play the goddamn guitar well you know who i'm friends with lived in nashville it's scott stapp oh [ __ ] yeah yeah i gotta hook you guys up please yeah i would definitely love to hook you guys up that's one person in nashville that i want to be friends with and i'm not he's the sweetest guy in the world he is the sweetest guy in the world did he come to the opera show no he was out of town i texted him i always text people day off i'm always like oh i should have he came out he came out to uh a show i did at zany's and i opened up with singing all of heir really higher is one of my favorite songs oh my god you came out with a guitar and something no no just a cappella yeah yeah okay then you played it and you sung it with it yeah nah it's [ __ ] wild but yeah they would take a guitar string and window it down if you take the the center of that's a needle at core right when you unravel the guitar string so yeah we were just all there getting tatted up so i was like [ __ ] it you know i've been a felon since i was 15. that was your first that wasn't your first running with the law though right no but it was the one that got me charged as an adult so i kind of like felt like it i was i felt hopeless from early anyway so but this was like like the funniest [ __ ] on earth now is people like i just seen a lot like the kimmel comments you know because some people are getting introduced to me they're like oh [ __ ] post malone's fat uncle and i'm like i had face tattoos when post malone was [ __ ] green like literally post malone was fresh off a nipple you know what i'm saying and i was [ __ ] in prison with face tattoos you know what i have a friend uh joey diaz big post malone fan i'm about to by the way i'm a huge post malone fan huge post malone fan and uh and i i saw him just sing playing a concert the other day and i was like you know he's done something kind of with androgyny that i find very cool right where he's he has kind of been look i'm i don't ever speak politics i don't know anything about politics i i don't know anything i want everyone to be happy that's my politics right um i think i'm probably like you very very very uh socially liberal right for sure and then and that's all where it ends i don't really know anything about the other stuff yeah for sure but um [Music] he's done what he's done with with with the way he dresses behaves and acts and and how he's allowed his personality to kind of um blo blossom a little bit yes it's been very very [ __ ] cool it's so cool to watch him go i love watching artists grow in front of you it's like one of my favorite things right so it's like to watch him go from being the white iverson kid yeah you know with like the crazy tall t-shirt quiet didn't do no press didn't like you could tell he was like socially awkward and then the way he overcame when they started first putting out like the mo bob dylan covers and him dancing in the skimpy short [ __ ] you know what i'm saying you're seeing all that [ __ ] and it was like the way that he kind of just leaned into it like that's kind of really who i'm really just like a cool [ __ ] goofy kid from dallas that just loves all kind of music and just [ __ ] leaned in and figured it out do you remember when they [ __ ] on him for him saying he said something like i'm bigger than hip-hop or i'm different than hip-hop for sure what and and it was on the breakfast club yeah well yeah i think i think it was on the breakfast stuff well i know the breakfast if you had that controversy when charlemagne first grilled it was like so what are you doing for black lives matter and it was like early in post career and he was like uh so i had a kid at my show and he was like if you know how charlemagne is charlemagne just like blood in the water charlotte is such an interesting [ __ ] guy man you know i've watched that rick ross uh uh put some respect on my name oh yeah though the birdman one birdman birdman i'm sorry but he goes he goes would you say this to rick ross or something and he was like yeah yeah dude why are you pulling up on the radio guy you pull up on the way like that you uh look all respect charlemagne but he's not a gang banger and you know you know he was he's just a regular guy like us he's just he wants to be shitty [ __ ] bricks [ __ ] [ __ ] bricks because birdman is definitely a guy who has no problems throwing hands and you know the best part was watching envy was like if he went in the business holy [ __ ] by the way listen envy was the one who looked like he was with it though he was like yeah cool let's just get this thing rolling let's start record record this he immediately was like oh this is viral clipper dude i saw so i did radio in in new york and just no no disrespect to anyone else in that building but like it wasn't radio that like it was radio that they set up but it wasn't like wasn't the best right you know it was it was okay it was great right and i had to ask from sometimes i throw xanax in my pill tray with my with my just and it's a treat it's like i pop it in i go god damn it that morning i go goddamn i think i just drew a xanax are you playing russian roulette with a little bill pack once a week once a week i throw them in just to i'll catch it usually i'll catch it and i'll go no no no today's on the xanax day i'll throw it back in and then i'll throw it back on an empty day right and so i dodged it but that morning i took a xanax we were in soho and i took my my assistant pete said uh said i'm pretty sure radio is about 40 minutes away right and uh not to i probably should not well it doesn't matter doesn't matter you're never going to find the [ __ ] building right so i go i was like okay so we get up we gotta go that's so funny the map says it's a three-minute walk and i went what do you mean he goes sixth avenue is all the way up there you know sixth avenue goes all the way down the island pete right like everything's on set cabinet you thought sixth avenue was up where [ __ ] siriusxm is and he was like it's not i was like [ __ ] so then all of a sudden i have time for the xanax to kick in so now i'm doing now i'm doing radio right i was the best listener i literally thought to myself next time i did two bears one cave i'm taking advantage because i listened so well right but i go to take a piss i walk by i see this big dude with envy's face on it because envy does not look like a big guy right he looks like you only see him sitting yeah he looks buried behind the mic and he's a radio guy and all radio guys are always tiny yeah they're always way smaller when you get there and i just go did you envy yeah i mean he's like i'm no joke google how tall he is he's i think he's 6'4 like he's a large [ __ ] man yeah and he's in shape yeah oh for sure i thought he was overweight i thought he i thought he was overweight and he was probably five seven yeah you thought he was kind of short and stubby and i went polar opposite whoa polar opposite and then immediately i start scoping around i go strong because i know i know that brand wise it doesn't line up that i'm a huge charlemagne fan because it's like it doesn't seem like it doesn't seem like like i'm a [ __ ] 50 year old man doesn't seem like i love hip-hop but i love hip-hop i love hip-hop and so i'm seeing five seven five nine and five ten he's not oh it's not he's not yeah he's a taller now the internet [ __ ] us they say joe rogan's 5-3 and he's not yeah so anyway he's a big guy so did you did you bump into charlemagne too i wrote i just walked right in their studio oh i'm like just give me a heads up i'm a big fan yeah am i i wanted so badly i wanted so badly to go my name's bert kreicher i am i will give you the best radio interview you've ever had i know everything about you guys yeah if you have 15 minutes give me five of them and i promise you you'll ask me to stay for another five after the 15. right like i will deliver i will deliver i will tell the machine story you can talk about anything because i will i will give you everything you want i didn't do it i just was like i'm out i just wanted to respond you know you should have shot it there sorry yeah yeah yeah um but uh but yeah i'm curious like what like what what you you first got you got like julie hall stuff like just going to jail stuff as a kid like [ __ ] being a dumbass kid you know just like we're like from like like everybody else i know we're like from a real middle lower class community so we were just in in nashville yeah antioch is south nashville antioxidants yeah for sure that's my brother with me bottle that's my brother antioch sounds so red now yeah for sure oh dude it is it is a white trash bass you'd love it you just [ __ ] laughs crabtree like there's certain tons of lots of mccoy yeah for sure tons of mccoys tons of crab trees um [ __ ] we would like you would love it you kick your [ __ ] shoes off in the trailer park and have a you just like that's my wife my wife's a belle of the ball my wife's trailer park oh yeah no fur sure she would like it be a pig and [ __ ] yeah it is [ __ ] it so we were just neighborhood [ __ ] you know fights [ __ ] drugs guns [ __ ] that happens in those kind of you know the kind of community i'm from so we just kept like revolving door of the system so and then when i got charged with that adult crime which was a pretty serious crime that was my turning point of being like oh yeah i'm [ __ ] like i'll never get it yeah tennessee has a and you're like 15 16. and tennessee has a zero forgiveness policy for violent offenses so like you can never get them expunged just like you have to go presidential or governor pardon like there's no expungement there's no i've been a good man for 20 years can we get this off my record it's like you're [ __ ] so knowing that it's 16 which is also why i don't talk politics because i just like like hate our government in general so okay and by the way that this is going to sound crazy but the first time i heard you say that i went i wonder if that's how because i the only my only takeaway from being on jury duty is how it is a revolving door for young black men all you see is white people and asian people on the on the jurors that's it in l.a at least it's white and asian people i mean i'm talking you go into a room you can say bro you've only done jury duty twice but i've been in that room that waiting room it is just white and asian people in there those are the only people who show up for jury duty and it is black dudes with a white lawyer black dudes with and they're all young and you can all see the uh you can i don't know you ever you ever see posturing of fear of the i'm not afraid look and you go i think you're doing it too hard i think you really are afraid i think you're petrified yeah yeah for sure and so that so that when you first said that i thought my takeaway is i bet that's why every black person doesn't want to stand for the national anthem they've just like [ __ ] this government this government set up to it's been [ __ ] me left and right because i heard you say that yeah and that's kind of that sounds crazy but that was the first time i heard i went oh yeah man once you get put in the system you realize this isn't set up this thing it's it's a it's a system to make corporations rich they're not trying to rehabilitate people you never heard corey smith's music you're from the south yeah corey smith my favorite line in that song is he says uh uh if you were trying if you was if you were trying to keep the streets safe you'd be giving out free breathalyzers in front of the bar yeah you wouldn't be waiting two miles down the street to pull a [ __ ] over you're not trying to keep the streets safe no yeah you were trying to keep the streets safe this is one bar in this one [ __ ] red light town you would have three cops out there with breathalyzers seeing who could and couldn't drive and ride sharing the other people home like no you're just here to make money in florida they go around and they put little green stickers on your on your license plate and that way they knew they go to a bar they go to the parking lot put green stickers on every license plate that way if you saw a car with a green sticker you never you'd never know it was on there but they know you had been in a ball it's entrapment right it's just like so it's like the system to me was like you're not rehabilitating kids you're just making the corrections corporation of america's stock go up by making our tax dollars pay for 500 a day for a dude that got caught with an eight ball of cocaine for the third time in his life to sit there for seven months you know what i mean and once i figured that out i was like oh yeah we're just [ __ ] this system is just failing us you know and it's also ignorance is bliss like you said i don't know anything about politics because i'm just so [ __ ] pissed off and i love when people like well you can't vote but you can encourage people to vote i was like to vote against the same government that took my right to vote i was like who the [ __ ] thought that through you want me to go encourage people to vote for a government that won't let me vote no dude it's like leaving a real yelp review for someone who won't let you do the rest you should eat this place and tell me if it's good for sure they wouldn't let me in because of my dressing diet yeah but they look good inside if they encourage me to tell y'all to have a burger so let me know if it's as far as they made it sound that would be some gangster [ __ ] if you walked up and you go and you got turned away from the restaurant as you walked out they're like make sure to leave me open [Laughter] no yeah so i've always been like super against the [ __ ] establishment in general but it also saves me at a time where the world is so politically charged and like every interview is like so you're from the south quite i'm sure you're conservatives oh like oh you have no clue who i am do you i'm like oh i'm anti-establishment i am a [ __ ] all i'm a proud american is the flip side of that like you know because i have family that was veterans and family who served in the military and my father was a marine and you know i have all these core values of like look dude i am a [ __ ] obese alcoholic that makes a living writing [ __ ] songs this country's awesome you know what i'm saying like you could never convince me otherwise you're gonna hear that sound bite out of my mouth one day i'm an obese comedian alcoholic who gets money for telling dicta that's it i talk about my becker getting paid dude [ __ ] america's great what was it what was it like what was it really like like so like i got nervous the first time i went to camp right how how bad is prison as a kid oh dude you're petrified but like like petrified and like people can see it like how what what goes on in your head well you're just scared of the unknown right you're not really because here's the [ __ ] up part of being in that circle of life you walk right in and find comfort because somebody's there right it's like [ __ ] it's [ __ ] up as it is like day one when you're coming through the holden tank of juvenile you just hear people jelly what the [ __ ] what's up and you're like oh [ __ ] what up dudebug [ __ ] how long have you been in here he's like four months what are you doing what are you here for oh you know people yeah you immediately know people because back then nashville was small so you know even though they might be from the other side of town your reputations preceded themselves so it's like that was made it a little easier but you're just afraid of like you hear war stories about other facilities so you're always afraid of what the next facility is and you never know where you're going the other thing is they don't you know you never get like a warning they're never like hey next tuesday you're going to this prison it's just like in the middle of the night they're like hey pack up bus is leaving you're like what they're like yeah you've been transferred to where or you're going to and then you know your stomach just drops because you're like oh i've heard horror stories about this place or you know what i mean how much how much does prison live up okay ready how much compare it to you and your reputation right like how much you live up to what people expect you to be how much does prison live up to what it is i mean what we talked about the beginning of this podcast i don't know if we were live then but it's literally our reputation so it's it's it's it's not as bad it's a little bit of urban legend a little bit urban a little bit of urban i mean here's what i tell people one it's it's horrible in the aspect of like your freedom and civil liberties are taken like that alone is it don't get no worse right that's a panic attack i have a hard time i have a hard time with call times yeah like when when i i'm not even joking when i go on set and they put me in a trailer and they say we'll come get you i get anxiety because i get anxiety waiting for someone to knock on the door so i'll put signs please don't knock on my door just open it yeah i'd rather you open my door then that no no no no no [ __ ] exactly sometimes i find myself getting so antsy that i go to set way before my call time which was fine pre-coded during kobe they're like hey man we need to keep you separated and i'm just like i'm so scared of how much alike we are for real i'm like that with just shows oh i'm what they call a venue rat like i'm not the dude like i get in the venue and i'm like i'm safe here this is my spot i'm going to sit here all day and they're like dude you know the doors don't open for eight hours you want to go have lunch i'm like nope i'll send lunch here yeah i'm happy right here in the venue uh i bring my tour bus yeah i'm afraid i'm going to miss something happening at the venue while i'm gone for lunch dude i am so i am such a tour bus venue rat that i cannot like i watch people go to hotels and i go what do you what but what if like don't you want so much could happen here today yeah and i think it helps me with the anxiety because like i'm in it already so i'm like i'm already here i'm in show mode yeah to go anywhere else i'd have to re-get in show mode to come back i'm still the dude it's like yo let's go i've been town and people like let's go grab lunch i'm like let's just meet me at the venue they're like you want to come right for the show i was like you can come now yeah i gotta cater yeah they're like it's two in the afternoon i'm like yeah come on i'm hanging out you know what i'm saying it's just i just it's the thing about and also i know this i've been want to nerd out with you for so long about all this because we're so alike in this aspect i know you're a like you get ticket dates daily right oh yeah i get them every day yeah i obsess about them just like you i'm waiting for a phone call from my agent who just called eight minutes ago with updates on ticket counts from fully loaded yeah like and i like like your final i just got off my final settlement yeah you want to know what the actual clean number was because i invested a large sum of money back into the festival um but we did better than i think we anticipated doing in the festival yeah meaning i i think we anticipated x number tickets but there we've oh we opened up so many seats that we outsold our movie set ticket record counts in these stadiums it's a cheat code they can't put they can't sit two thousand people on the infields yeah like of course we set ticket records for sure exactly you're gonna beat every baseball game ever yeah i mean every baseball menu is like whoa hold on what were your numbers what was the headache of setting up there uh my fear of base because like sheds like when you did uh the um brandon because i'll be in brandon later this year did you do bang corp and tupelo too this time or no uh i did uh i did in brandon we did uh the brandon amphitheater the brandon mississippi that's the one that got uh yeah got stronger i watched that one that was [ __ ] great man i wish i wish we could that's a beautiful venue seat seven thousand feels like three oh it's [ __ ] insane so it feels like a theater so good that every single person that's on that venue has hit me up not every but has hit me up in like hey man i want to do that gig because red rocks is 10 000. yeah this is 3 000 less than red rocks and it is in a [ __ ] coffee filter i mean it's like it's right it's just right there that's the best um the biggest hiccup we ran into my my biggest hiccup was uh being concerned for the comics right i was worried about the comics of being afraid because our first show was at not at door's open at seven and the sun didn't set until 9 50. yeah it was the longest day of the summer and so i was worried that the comics that went up during the sun were gonna they'd be in their head about it the um the setup was such that we had one group in front of the pitcher's mound and one group behind the pitcher's mound and so and there was a little space there was going to be an hour in a mission to sell beer there were like certain things that i was worried about and man it it flowed so smoothly so you set up two [ __ ] stages i set up no i set up a okay two seats so i had so like uh so like this is the so if this is the infield so we set up on second base okay yeah right right right behind second base right and so we had a row of i'd say maybe a thousand seats in front of the pitcher's mound like meaning pitchers mount here that was empty pictures mount was empty yeah and as was a line right here and then we had another thousand seats behind your dope i see what you're saying and then and then uh the biggest one that surprised me was thunder valley we did uh is that in ohio no that's uh uh bristol tennessee okay yeah dun valley on the raceway i know exactly what you're talking about i did the uh the country festival up there yeah i was terrified that it was gonna be well they did the country festival inside bristol okay inside bristol they said the motor speedway bristol itself holds a hundred and seventy thousand know 170 000 people when did they do the ut uh my brother's big ut fam when did they do the ut virginia game brought in 50 field yeah put in a [ __ ] football field football field that's not [ __ ] redneck east tennessee as [ __ ] dude that makes me so happy there's something there's let me i i regret i regret not setting up roots in the south because there's something very uh calming to me about the outdoors the spanish moss the the smell the humidity right the everything about the south calms me down the trees the you know and now and i actually said to someone at one point i said this would suck in l.a because we're in the desert right and there's and everything's manufactured like there was it was so [ __ ] awesome being doing that southern run right that i just and like what was the camp at thunder valley ten thousand i think oh it's a big [ __ ] [ __ ] it was a big fan yeah and we and it and it went and we're on they got the it's in a valley i didn't even think this through it's in a valley so the the laughs are going back we're caught in a valley it's like the first time i ever did an outdoor festival when we started doing uh those drive-ins right the first one i did was it was it was a little bit of a a drug dealer's tease right because it was in a rock quarry and i was like this is amazing right this is it was like old school grass tiered stadium old white uh like white ticket booth with concessions like old school like ponyboy curtis style and i went i'm doing all these night at 70 and not all of them are that great a lot of them are a lot of them are but some and then shockingly the ones that you think would suck were even better like we did one in tulsa next to a highway and it was [ __ ] awesome and people were driving down the street seeing our big screens faces on the big screen driving down the highway at 70. it was but it was great um how many buses how many trucks four buses three trucks no four bosses four trucks because y'all were setting the stage up every day right building the whole production so we had one truck full of generators one truck full of uh for the stage one and then two other trucks full of like all the sound equipment everything else yeah i think i could have you may i may have to have to add one more truck to that but then four tour buses we had one for crew which slept i think i don't know we it was all coffin bunks it was just bunks yeah one for crew one for the girls one for the boys like comics and talent comics and and and and you know team members right one for the girls one for the boys and then we had a i got a lounge bus all right so we'd get done the show everyone go to lounge bus drink smoke [ __ ] talk [ __ ] we had two lounges in it so you could one could smoke weed in the back who didn't want smoke weed would sit up front smoke cigarettes like the green room bus green room bus and then we'd drive that and when we got tired we'd we you know big caravan when we ever got tired we'd tell him he'd pull off side we'd switch buses and go to bed oh that's the way that's where that's where the investment in the tour came because i was like we could have very easily done you know we could have probably done you know about three buses right maybe less if we just didn't bring people but i wanted to bring my daughter her friend they paid for us for a week um and i wanted i wanted all the comics to feel special right like i didn't want like our very last day i got a big inflatable uh slide i got pools like big kiddie pools filled them up with ice and water was hot as [ __ ] and [ __ ] in mississippi surprisingly uh set up beers got music got a dunk tank and we all had like a pool day behind the venue okay and it was like and everyone i mean everyone was just like da this is the [ __ ] yeah but i know his talent that when you're considered or when you give something a give a little razzle dazzle to someone when you show me that you were thinking about me it it for the rest of my life i respect that that's why i love joe rogan yeah to this day i was thinking about the other day joe rogan if you ever would mention something uh yeah man i got a [ __ ] treadmill he has a guy that hooks up treadmills all really it is is a phone call for him he's you know maybe maybe for joe maybe five grand and he next you know there's a treadmill inside your house that next day and you're like hey man you didn't have to do this he goes i know i didn't that's why i did it right a pool cues i i got a pool table and i texted him i said hey what's the good pool cue and he went uh how many who's playing what says just me and the girls goes okay yeah give me an address i said hey joe you i have money i can do you just tell me the pool cue and he goes no it's it this isn't anything for me next day i got [ __ ] eight pool cues sent to my house they're all [ __ ] the best pool who you can buy in the world and you're like be careful taking them to a bar yeah dude you've never touched your wallet around joe rogan never [ __ ] ever and and but i know his talent when someone treats you a little extra nice it means it goes a very long way there's a certain confidence that comes with being properly groomed an aura of vibe you can 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you trim the hedges the tree stands taller like in hindsight when i would have loved to bring some music that would have been a great way to to like i don't know maybe next year fully loaded we're thinking about europe we're thinking about we're thinking about a lot of things i mean for the record okay just so you know i but i i think by the way even if one of us is not coming home it's gonna be great one of us [ __ ] let's let the livers meet it's uh i swear dude i think we'll [ __ ] i'm coming out even if i just bring an acoustic guitar i just came out of rock i would love that so i'm sure you know this i am joe rogan i'm an over the moon comedy fan yeah oh yeah yeah like i am like well that's why i was curious about your come up because i always knew you as like this sounds crazy but it's like one of us meaning like podcast fan guy on podcast yes sir like i i knew you as us and when i started seeing you pop i went oh man he's having a minute this is [ __ ] great and then i mean then that was a while ago that was honestly i remember and i i say one of us i mean i'm just meeting at like our level of like internet work right putting in the work on the internet where you start to pop i want to say i really honestly like around hey big boy or maybe even secret time yeah like i started seeing you everywhere going like oh [ __ ] man and but i'm curious to your story of of how it started happening for you because right now you're at a level that like that not a lot of musicians are at but definitely no comics right like you've especially in the podcast circle you've outpopped everybody right so like i'm curious first of all just because i'm just like i i joke but i hired a publicist i don't know if you heard this story but it's one of my favorite you'll appreciate it more than anybody i can't wait i hired id publicity one of the biggest publicity companies in america you name it they do it i mean madonna first time i ever hired a publicist and i just did it because i was like i didn't want to do another podcast anyways but i was like well i'm getting my feet around you know it's like i had this weird thing that was like i'll get to that second i'm [ __ ] anyway so i've hired this publicity company and the first thing when i hire them they're like well what's your next thing and i was like yo one of my homeboys the comedian's name's andrew scholes we're doing a funny song together yeah they're like great send it to us right i'm like all right no problem so me and seoul do open her up which is a song about the country dead smack middle pandemic right i remember that and it's like we're just [ __ ] i'm doing a song with a [ __ ] comedian bird so we're being funny id drops me said it was too controversial right was that my publicist publicist company there's no way they would have dropped you forever again no hold on hold on hold on i think that was my publicist yeah i swear to god i'm going to tell you a funny story about this or is it id pub yeah id something you know publicity whatever their name id solutions or some of that weird [ __ ] but dude i think that i don't remember i'm i i had a one publicist and i was promoting a special and they were like can you get on joe rogan and i was like oh yeah i did i just pay you six thousand dollars a month to tell me to go to one of my best friend's podcasts and they're like well you know what just give us his number we'll set up i was like the [ __ ] i am yeah you think you think i'm gonna be friends with joe rogan if he gets a call hey this is uh oh this is before you and joe oh no this is joe and i were okay yeah yeah oh i've already done this show like 20 times like at that point 30 times and then they're like hey do you want to and by the way joe's not the kind of i mean now things have changed obviously but like back then just still is for me but like you text joe hey man i got a special coming out yeah of course for sure let me know what dave i'm [ __ ] in austin yeah cause you and hinchcliffe just did one on the fly recently right yeah we just uh well we got uh the stem cells in the morning my parents yeah and uh and then we just did a podcast after yeah yeah but he's look i mean it's yeah so this this company drops me for [ __ ] with comedians and at that moment i was like oh no this is where i belong it i doubled down that was my clear moment of like hold on now because i was telling somebody i've never got more of an audience that understood me i've done every music thing you can do practically within reason right sort of [ __ ] saturday night live right and they don't get it you do these interviews i do [ __ ] radio interviews like comics used to do morning radio to sell tickets country radio i'm doing the [ __ ] out of country radio yeah and it's like every now and then you'll get a dude who's like funny and fun yeah but just [ __ ] they're not long form it's short form you're not getting to really [ __ ] peel back an onion and [ __ ] with somebody i just i so i finally i was just like dude i'm doubling down on this [ __ ] i'm not doing nothing but when i came here i have a new publicist who's awesome she gets me who um her name is jennifer vezio okay she's an independent out of nashville i just got an independent yeah yeah we're fully loaded i i was like let's i need to i wish i knew the name of right give her a shout out but like i wanted someone to be in charge of it and i and i wanted this sounds crazy but i wanted uh written press on the on the pub on the festival right because i need i i i in my head i was like if we're going to do a second season the second year of this i need i need press articles impressed things that i can send to brands for sure to get them on board so that i can make money this time it's also legitimizing what you do because it's like when i first got with my publicist this time she was like what do you want and i was like i want to do the nashville the tennessee and the local newspaper which they end up giving me the cover the front page of the newspaper that's when i was in newspapers for a robbery case [Applause] so i was like she got me the cover and it's like that was important to me though i wanted a heart you know what i mean like it was a piece of legacy i wanted but when i when i hired this time i was like i want you to know the front end i say [ __ ] wild [ __ ] i'm a wild [ __ ] dude and i don't i have maybe 10 music friends and like 40 comedian friends and i only do comic podcasts yeah so i'm gonna say extremely cancelable [ __ ] and satire all the time she was like no i [ __ ] got you so when i came to la this time she was like do you need me to set anything up i was like nope shop hooked me up with a bird i'm doing bert i'm doing shobb i was like i'm [ __ ] i'm cool i did bootleg calf yeah i don't know today i'll actually watch it live oh yeah i was i had a plan when we were working out this morning um blue light kev seems to know a lot about hip hop he is dude he's like he's like one like um rosenberg yeah rosenberg or up in new york he was one of my first finds him and his beef with nicki minaj yeah i was like i don't even remember this i was this back when i was doing when i wasn't selling tickets in clubs and i was in canada and i listened to him he did an interview with uh someone and he was talking about that beefy i would make nicki minaj right and how it turned into a friendship now she kind of leans rosenberg yeah yeah i think so yeah yeah i think it was rosenberg when i first i compared kevin i love you kev don't take this one [ __ ] up if you do to me he's kev was like the west coast southern version of rosenberg yeah he was like that white dj in hip-hop that was really into the culture and was spinning records in the clubs and figuring [ __ ] out and ended up on radio and has a syndicated show on radio now and like cavs like a real dude my manager is john john neely he manages joey badass now yeah he managed jay-z for [ __ ] two decades jay-z called him the consigliere's like the big thing you know so he's like a super hip-hop new york guy and when whenever bootleg kev came we got blackout drunk last night we left i left well i started drinking that [ __ ] kimmel right i started i was like yeah we'll have a couple of drinks here and then they shoot that at five yeah yeah for sure but you got to get there at 11. it was wild so the long i don't know if you're like this chelsea i was chelsea awesome you know so i got a cool chelsea story chelsea is developing a tv show on me and my wife right now really dude i did this netflix special with chelsea i didn't know her from the man on the moon when was this it was called hello privilege it's chelsea i remember that oh it's so good she had no clue what she was i didn't know what either one of us was walking to do yeah so my people called me they're like hey do you want to do this thing with chelsea remember that and i was like yeah i'll do it there was like did my manager calls at the time it's like hey don't do this this is meant to kill you this is a setup it's politically charged she's going to come in and try to paint you as a bible-beaten trump supporter as a conservative redneck who's had white privilege i was like oh no i really want to do it now there's no way i was poor as [ __ ] we ate crackers and butter i was like there's no way she's gonna come in here and clown me and so she comes in to a barber shop in my old neighborhood my barber's at the [ __ ] hood barbershop my favorite place on earth if you ever just want to go spend a saturday somewhere and laugh go to a black barber shop they're the best the funniest i've ever been in my life meaning i have a handful of times where i surprised myself as a comic right i've had a number of times there's a number of times where it didn't land right but i take but for whatever reason i roll the dice black barbershop called in the cut over on in the valley and we're filming it it's omar dorsey it's the dude who plays the hawk in the iron man things or right or like the hawk or something something like that it's all black dudes all black dudes all famous black dudes and they asked me if i'd come in and just be like the white guy and i was like yeah sure because i know omar real well they're making fun of white guys as being gay and by the way i i'm sure that anyone was famous that was there didn't say anything like that i'm just covering bases this is back when you get them like wokeness hasn't really hit barbershops and they're calling just white guys gay and they're like you guys love gay [ __ ] and i by the way uh one of my favorite things i i'm a fan of i'm a fan okay so if you're gonna point fingers that's someone who likes gay [ __ ] it's me right me and tom's girl have a podcast based on our fantasy of being gay right we buy each other birthday presents i love gay men right i mean so yeah i'm guilty and they're like and but i'm like like name one thing we do that's gay and they're like when you guys pass out you guys like write dicks on each other's faces and dicks and nuts and then like black guys don't do that and i go yeah because you got to find a silver sharpie place goes [ __ ] boom i just walk out and go that's my time thank you very much but yeah like that's but black barbershop's the fall gang back there's the funny you're talking about it's it's the most politically incorrect environment ever so i was like this is a great place to bring her i'll bring her to the hood barber shop in my neighborhood so my barber woah is wearing a trump shirt he was wearing it every day the entire administration yeah and he just it's a [ __ ] hood barbershop he's just doing it to gaslight people right and it's funny because you see the mixed reviews anyways you know black dudes come in they start they start an argument a fun one right they never fought but then you'd have another black dude who should come in like [ __ ] they wouldn't that white boy gets elected they're gonna shut down my mechanics shop down the street we're [ __ ] if that white the other white boy gets elected we need to keep the redhead in now so they're like always like you know what i'm saying it's like so she comes in she's like a white rapper and a black trump supporter and i just i just was just being real i was just like oh dude you're starting that [ __ ] i was like chelsea you're as white trash as i am she's like i'm jewish i was like chelsea you're white trash i've read every one of your books you made a living talking about your [ __ ] i was like i've been to prison your books get spread around they're soft porn i was like it's a thing i was like 50 cent calls you gator i was like this is like a thing you know and at that point she just like you know chelsea's a tough laugh yeah she laughs and the moment she laughed i was like yes that's going to be great we end up having the coolest time we don't talk politics it's in some positions we talk about my time in the system of course and kind of my juvenile and my justice reform efforts and [ __ ] and then when the camera goes off is when me and her fell in love with each other the camera goes off and during on the camera i was like i got some shrooms because you know i heard she shrugged or whatever right and she was like oh cool and you're on camera she's like we'll do them later camera goes off [ __ ] walks up to me and hugs me goodbye well i'm shroom's fat ass and i was like right here she was like come on connected she took me to go talk with her at princeton we went to yeah me and my wife are smoking it looks like hogwarts weird princess just out there me and my wife blowing [ __ ] dude he's waiting to go talk to a bunch of shut the [ __ ] yeah dude chelsea chelsea handler productions comes and develops a show on us we're [ __ ] pitching it's at universal right now and like the the final phase of development or whatever it is you and your wife look like if like so when you see the hapsburgs right and you go uh the habsburgs for anyone listening that's the that's the bloodline that is royalty around europe uh they were so they were they had a certain look and you went oh that's what a prince should look like no chin big nose hemophiliac right so uh you and your wife look like if they were going to put royalty in nashville that's what you and your wife look like like that's what royalty should look like like i i saw i haven't really seen too much of euros blogs but i saw one thing and i went oh yeah that if you if you get to make money in nashville that's where you go that's how you do it yeah like big trucks and [ __ ] and like like i like i feel like this is what uh modest income and value in uh not valley village i don't live there anymore but in l.a looks like it's like okay nice white farmhouse yeah throwback to who they really are okay but then you go to nashville i go oh oh that's how i spend my money yeah oh for sure yeah literally [ __ ] big redneck trucks we just bought we just bought a uh i just bought a bunch of quads and a bunch of four-wheelers we got a place now that we can go [ __ ] up and my wife was like she was so funny because she's such a like valley girl at heart because she grew up here in vegas right yeah i don't know if you know it's part of the story but my wife was like a super high-end escort when i met her i didn't know i was curveball i was about to go no i did not wow so good i'm glad you did but i know oh yeah no so when i met her i was like living out of a 96 van and i was doing like 100 a night show it's you and leanne kind of right i was like [ __ ] there was a prostitute i wanted leanne to like me there that went but i can uh i was like i was dead broke and we kind of you know she just kind of took to me and she was you know really making money in the in the sex work industry like real money like i couldn't i didn't know that existed yeah like because where i'm from yeah it's like where i'm from a prostitute is like two dollars you know what i'm saying it's like i suck your dick for fifty dollars this was you know dollars an hour i remember the first high-end prostitute i ever ran into was in vegas me and my buddy eddie were walking through the slots she came up and she was to this day a handful of in that handful of the most beautiful woman i'd ever seen in my life she came up to us and eddie and i were fresh out of tallahassee and she was like uh what are you guys doing tonight and we were like oh my god we're getting hit on this is amazing we're like nothing i was on tv at the time it was like nothing and i was like did you uh did you watch my show she was like what i was like i have a tv show and she was like oh no i didn't know what's the name of it i said something excuse you guys want to go get a drink and we're like [ __ ] yeah and i'm looking at eddie like i hope she has a friend and then he's like are you here by yourself do you have friends she goes no i have friends you're going to call friend and we're like yeah she goes uh what's so funny is now i look back and i go wasn't that expensive you know theoretically she goes uh three thousand dollars and i went huh she was three thousand dollars for an hour and i went what are you talking about she's like if you guys wanna [ __ ] me it's three thousand dollars and we were like i remember three thousand dollars seem like the most crazy number now i look at it and i go um oh yeah let's talk for an hour first yeah yeah i get six no she was uh she was like that she was like a you know i mean dude 15 20 i mean real money really it was like if she ever writes a book which she wouldn't because she's too gangster but if she well she will write a book but not about this but if she ever like released her diary we're talking about like ceos of like oil companies oh i like that people you know you know what i mean they were like super but um and she was i just i didn't understand the concept of some [ __ ] old southern crack dealer yeah right i will [ __ ] sell you cocaine in the bathroom kid who's trying to be a rock star you know and i'm just like i don't understand this but i didn't have a problem with it you know i was like [ __ ] it's way you know if it's that high end i'm cool with whatever she really she helped me put out she helped finance addiction kills she helped hire a lawyer to get custody my daughter she got me a place i didn't have a platinum i was homeless i was living in the van because i went home enough you know yeah so and my daughter her mother ended up hooked on heroin my daughter's mother and me and her got me and bunny got married and bunny helped me get custody of bailey and she just bet the farm on me sometimes you find those bad ass [ __ ] who like like yesterday perfect example yesterday leanne i didn't realize this but she booked the dental appointment i thought we were doing it for this this was a consultation this was an operation ah and i didn't realize and she said to me aren't you glad that's done at the end of this i said last night i said you just fixed my mouth for the next 40 years yeah like i go you know i would have never done that right she was like i know and i was like no i like i don't think there's nothing i can do like that for you like i can't ever help you the way you like some some people i won't say women but some people just [ __ ] are like or like angels like that right they have that ability to kind of [ __ ] and i think we married them yeah we got lucky enough to marry them we got married we found that person that gets it and gets us you know i can't wait till we can all go out your wife doesn't party right she'll party she parties a little bit she's not like she used to though so she got sober a couple sober-ish a couple years ago i'm still [ __ ] go for the gusto of course yeah but the difference between her was she was wild really you're like i'm like i'll go out and party but like dude bunny was like the probably first five interactions we had at casinos she was feeding me just nails of cocaine and then at the end of the night i'd be like goddess xanax she'd be like yep popped me off a bar you know what i mean like she was like wow you know she was in that vegas casino [ __ ] just [ __ ] you know she i mean she didn't even understand how much money she was making that's uh yeah i that i you land's definitely not giving you nails or cocaine yeah she definitely so she got but as she's like the years went on you know what really happened she probably wouldn't want me to say this but she got into mama bear mode kinda you know bunny didn't have kids and then we got custody of bailey it was like something clicked with her was like oh my god we're completely responsible for this child yeah her mother's disappeared on heroin at the time but she's sober now thankfully but it was like bunny just went into like [ __ ] oh whoa figure this out like changed her whole [ __ ] started podcasting and started patreon her youtube page is pretty big yeah for sure her patreon is crushing so yeah and she does like anywhere from 600 to a 600 000 to a million downloads a month on the podcast through all the platforms [ __ ] crazy that this world didn't exist for like guys like me and you i i knew i was smart like do you feel like this sometimes i've i have to say that you and i are similar if not identical sometimes it's like i knew i was smart i knew i was passionate i knew i could only be passionate about one thing and that's comedy but i also knew i also have good ideas that i feel like sometimes like i and in the old system of of hollywood i was not valuable i didn't have the flair i didn't know how to walk into a room and and with with confidence and put everyone down so that everyone looked up to me right i just knew how to do what i did on my own level and then i and now i look and i go god man i'm so lucky the business model changed right the business model said hey it's artist first let's start with artists first you know what i mean let me tell you something though and i'm gonna i'm gonna give you something you need to hear if nobody's told you this bird please you and your people change the business model the business model didn't change bert you all changed it the u's the rogans the tommy buns you all changed the business model in a way that's changed everything when i i literally my publicist was more of god i hope i don't get in trouble and kicked off every show for this ever was more excited about me nailing down the burp cast just because of us being fans dude me you know and people connecting us right then she was me playing kimmel really literally it was such a great weather it was an amazing camel appearance thank you it was an amazing camera thank you man it was it was surreal you i don't know if it's like this in your business but you know how special night for you right where you're like i've been crushing this in theaters and comedy clubs for a [ __ ] year but for the next [ __ ] three nights in cleveland or two nights in cleveland i gotta put on the best [ __ ] show i've ever done right yeah it's like that was the first time i felt that bert when i'm like i only get to do this once i've gotta like really [ __ ] sing today i only get to do that like this is it like i've gotta sing better than i've sang all month this isn't drunk at a bar singing with [ __ ] 5 000 jelly roll fans this is like oh we're all having fun if i miss a notice who cares they want to hear it we're kicking it right you murdered it yeah murder murder dialed in all i could think was this sounds crazy but i was like all i could think was uh like i hope he i hope he gets to do that on rogan oh like i like in my head i'm like because you and rogan rogan would [ __ ] eat you alive he'd love you and but you know that's my dream but he's and he loves he's a big music fan oh yeah and especially your genre of music you know he's in me turned on the world to [ __ ] uh to uh [ __ ] uh god damn it i thought sturgeon was one george simpson yeah i thought that's what you think yeah yeah yeah yeah i mean and because and he loves that [ __ ] but he loves a good [ __ ] party yeah for sure no dude i'm huge i was we were me yeah i haven't done tommy yet i haven't got to meet bun yet i really want to meet tommy bad i'm just you know just lucky for me shaw got [ __ ] with me early theo of course i seen theo and spade last night you know we have to do you know what we have to do we have to have you go do it we'll have you on as a guest bear oh my god i just watched the guest when you missed it when ron was there on the bus the other day so i don't listen to music yeah right because i don't want to be influenced by what's happening right i don't want to ever be in the studio writing a song that accidentally feels like a new drake song yeah because i was listening to it too much that's how i got into podcasting oh really yeah so it's like when i'm on the bus i'm we're playing podcasts oh you're like you know we're listening to comedy or we're watching specials you know and we're like you know [ __ ] i hope we get a chance to talk about this too i want to nerd out about how much i dissect specials like i'm a comedian which i'm the far from let's talk about it right now but i [ __ ] love shane gillis is special okay let's talk live from austin okay what did you let me i'll tell you my favorite part about shane gill is a special okay without a doubt it starts very cold with a joke it's a great joke and then they do the intro and then they go into the special yes it's my favorite part because i need you i need to know i need to be pulled in immediately i don't need i watched uh i watched well that one doesn't count but i watched a special the other day that was uh it had a a five-minute intro it's a five-minute intro before the first joke and no funny just like you know like a scenario or whatever and i kind of thought to myself so it's a tremendous waste of time in the comedies but yeah for sure no like fun like just so we're clear i know where i'm at in my act at five minutes and in five minutes uh uh on secret time at five minutes i had told you three secrets i told you two jokes uh and i was already into um a story about being a bad dad grabbing up coors light i just watched it with my dog the other day yeah because i was putting it on for my dogs and i was and peter and all that were in there i was like i was like i put my specials on for my dogs yes so and i hear your voice and at that minute at that moment in the special i realized this was going to be a good special and it's when i go i grabbed a coors light instead of a and you were like [ __ ] it i'm committed or yeah i stopped saying that for those who haven't seen the joke was never it's too late yeah they i said uh as soon as that beer hit your hits your lips it's like a finger in your ass and an orgy yeah you gotta decide what man you are do you push back into it or you pull away from it yeah push back into it i killed that coors light yeah then reached in my pocket and prayed there's another course likes who wants a [ __ ] bud light if you just had a course lighted out at 8am and when they started that's five minutes into my specials like i'm not clearly i'm not the best in the game and their weight dudes way better and there are guys going for different things but like i would argue i would argue that uh that if you were putting out a a music album and your first five minutes was you telling a story you'd be like i think i'm missing out on the music part right you should have a five minute song to open your comedy you know like so i just so but that was the same way that was what i loved about shane's um i loved how he would his setups the storytelling i loved the rel it felt like the most relaxed special i've watched him forever it's shane it's almost like he didn't give a [ __ ] he was shooting a special like i thought i was in the comedy club with him and that felt different for some reason i don't know why i don't get the expertise stuff like y'all do and i'd love for you to tell me why i felt that way but watching it felt like i was just in the club i felt like we were at zany's and dorfman was sitting next to me like you gotta watch this guy he's [ __ ] funny and then he comes out and crushes cause i didn't know he was a man on the moon at the time right i just first i didn't catch none of the i went back to the gilly and keith [ __ ] yeah right so shane has an an insane relatability that he doesn't force it's natural uh i i don't want i i won't i don't want to say too much about i just spent two weeks with a guy so i've assessed a lot of what makes him great or what i enjoy about him and i know it now i do that not to ever replicate it but to see what am i doing what am i doing certain things uh maybe for someone it's inflection like with sam kinnison we know we loved when he would raise his boys and get high yeah right that was like something you go oh that's that's that is different special shane has little nuances that he does uh that i'll tell you but we'll edit out because i don't want to tell you and then people notice them what i love about him is very candidly and this is my love letter to shane i hope he hears this one day i know what he'll tell me uh so georgia my you know georgia my oldest daughter their generation they don't um oh the right way to say this but like comedy is the the enemy right because comedy's making fun of all the social justice things they hold so precious right uh i'm not saying that one is right and one is wrong i think it's great to acknowledge uh you know what's going on in this country and to stand up for for certain things shane all the things georgia finds precious shane are all of his bits i mean like everything that shane that my daughter georgia goes you can't joke about that shane jokes about it right so my very first day uh big j misses this fight big j is george's favorite comic alive big jerickson's george's favorite comic alive big j and david tell or her number one number two but shane goes up and i'm watching georgia and i'm thinking how is she gonna react to shane who takes all the precious things and then basically goes that's where those are all my bits she was crying laughing and she couldn't help it and she would grab her mouth and then look at me as if she was busted and then she goes dad you can't help it he's the way he says it dad it it's like that he can get away with it right because you know like he's a good guy but like and like it's hard to explain dad and then at the end of the night i said try to explain it to me she goes well it's like the way shane does comedy like he says the thing that you kind of have thought but you've never said out loud but then he says it for you and then but he says it in such a surprising way that it catches you off guard and you can't help but laugh i go baby that's comedy that's comedy yeah to watch her watch big j shane and dave that's who went right before me right uh every night i watched her watch those three dudes that's the only ones i can watch she was working on the other ones i got to watch you watch everything and usually i'd watch it with her on the big screen to watch her cry laughing at jokes she heard the second time or watch david tell rephrase a joke or re shimmy a joke she would she was it was the greatest gift i could have ever given myself because it now it's like her sense of humor the gloves are off right she's making jokes i could have never guessed it was the [ __ ] greatest man that is yeah that i don't know that i felt that way because some of the stuff shane talked about in his special yeah was that to me it was like yeah oh i never thought of it that way that's [ __ ] funny that makes a lot of sense the alabama football team stuff was a prime example of it he's amazing man he's a he's really he really is he's uh he's the special i like like as of recent you know something i i stole this from you i'm gonna give you credit we'll give you your flowers in person please you did it was a thing where you were talking about how you watched that uh most specials in the first 30 minutes which is ironic because shane's was like 51 and stav's new one was like 49 or something if you cut the fluff in the beginning of the end it was still short of 40 like you can tell people are adopting that format yeah especially the youtube side of it i think schaub's gringo poppy was 39 yeah but um and it was interesting but you said so i come out with what used to be on the 55-minute mark but i think i don't remember exactly what you said i want to [ __ ] it up so you correct me but you still your second best joke first and your first best joke in the middle yeah or it was reverse of that so it was i took all my i took all my laps per minute i took all the things all the big pops and i opened with them exactly and then i took my closer which was my best bit and i put it at 22 minutes because i figured that was it that was right yeah i heard uh dalia had told me no one watched his past 30 minutes yeah and then the person if you can go back into the things you'll know who it is but some person was like kind of oblivious and they were like they watched the whole thing and i went and i know what i watched i watched and i watched 30 minutes of and i loved leah i watched 30 minutes of this i watched 30 minutes of everyone's special yeah and and then the good ones like chappelle you ended up watching the whole thing the one that opens with kicker and the [ __ ] which is possibly the greatest joke ever written in my opinion for sure and i love that joke as soon as i saw that joke i'm watching the whole [ __ ] thing i wrote why would you waste a great joke at the end if no one's gonna watch it exactly so now i'm tr now my special's kind of like i don't even know what the [ __ ] i'm doing with it i'm trying to figure it out but oh that's what's so fun about what y'all do compared to what we do imagine me trying to like write a song every night in a new city that was like hey i bombed on the hook last night so i wrote a new hook y'all didn't hear it but here's the new hook of the [ __ ] nuts but i stole that from you and spoiler alert to jelly roll fans the first three wait till the day you see a jelly roll show the first three songs i come awkwardly close to blowing my load dude i come out well i used to come out the opposite until i heard you say that in a podcast you changed my whole set list bro because i was like he's right i need to come right out [ __ ] swinging for the [ __ ] fences especially and i come out even harder i have two i have multiple set list of course yeah but i have like if i'm like direct support for somebody like i'm direct support for brantley gilbert in jacksonville tomorrow okay i'm bringing the oklahoma city thunder out the gate right like i the first eight minutes of my show you would girl you're gonna be like whoa there's nothing else for him to do yeah but now the trick for me is how does every 12 minutes after that i do something like oh i [ __ ] forgot that's that jam you know what i'm saying they're like oh i never heard somebody cover that song that way so now i got to be creative but i come out with that burp mentality of like my first i'll let you keep this and i'm gonna say edit this part out but i'll just say it out of my top eight streaming songs i blow three of them in the first six minutes that's [ __ ] but that's how much of a load i mean i tell people if you're a jelly roll fan [ __ ] get there early and excited yeah it's the girl that played my daughter in the movie hold on one second i hope everything's okay what's up [Laughter] what are you doing she's hanging out at my house oh i'm doing a podcast this is my wife from the movie i have a daughter from the movie justin stephanie that's jelly roll hello friends oh dude listen i'm a piece of [ __ ] interrupt anything if i get if i get a voice if i get a facetime from you guys i answer it you know that yeah i miss you we're on our third gen tonic jesus christ i love that your friends thank you when they're drunk like mine oh you're the [ __ ] greatest i'm on antibiotics from an oral surgery [Laughter] wait what i know you burnt you posted that picture of yourself with no beard and i almost lost i'm [ __ ] fine yeah that's not by the way i'm the ugliest [ __ ] man without hair no you were like yo i'm gonna be five out of ten it looks like a ten look at the zero and the ten seriously if i were a lesbian you would have been totally my child all right i love you guys i'll call you later i'm gonna finish my podcast that's awesome that's who's playing the movie that's the actress from the movie there's a she plays my daughter and then the redhead plays my wife oh that's [ __ ] awesome yeah yeah well we'll see we gotta wait till this war cleans itself up yeah jesus christ bad timing bedtime my god you know what i had these plans of me hanging out with putin yeah doing shots and him going i love the machine this is my favorite movie ever and now it's [ __ ] jesus christ i don't know how he can do an about face oh yeah i was you know what i was thinking today i was on the toilet and i was like do you think do you think if hitler knew the the press that he'd get after you know still 70 years what 80 years 100 years after what he did do you think he would have done it do you think if they were like double down they would have been like hey man just you know this isn't going to age well like the sad part is he might have thought do legacy think he had any idea he'd be who he is today dude literally i mean he out of genghis khan stalin all the [ __ ] pol pot i think pol pot was after but like after all the things you think he was like there's no way i'll be the big bad guy do you think he thought about how much the mustache would mean yeah how many men in the mail that was like a symbol you can never ever for another hundred years you can't cut that mustache in your face well yeah you can everyone that's ever shaved off a mustache oh first [ __ ] is that something we can admit now not one white diet dude ever shaved off a beard and didn't give himself a hitler for a second and be like it looks good i'm certain my icloud has a hitler mustache of me on some drugs is that crazy that if you cut a hitler mustache in yourself and just post it on instagram you can't it will be canceled forever and it's just a mustache yeah do you remember michael jordan had the hitler mustache yes he had the hitler mustache in a [ __ ] and no one said a word they're like i guess black guys can get away listen you just can't cancel michael though you just seen them kids trying to get a picture with him no yeah what did i tell him like go [ __ ] off or something he's like get the [ __ ] away from my car dude that guy that guy's an inspiration for me he'll smoke four cigars a day oh yeah he just sucked down cigars yeah he had a hitler mustache yeah in a [ __ ] commercial no you can't tell michael [ __ ] what if what if you just grew a hitler mustache and you're like and you're like what it looks good on me okay i've tried a lot of different mustaches and it just looks good this is what i landed on yeah i didn't realize how hitler-ish it was oh it is full-blown hitler he had to have known right there's no way well hold on hold on you know you know uh boozy badass yeah uh the name of his uh documentary is called my struggle boosie boozy yeah which is mein kampf yeah that's the name of mein kampf is my struggle he named his documentary after hitler's book on his own like and i'm pretty sure he had never i will say this about boosie and his defense i think michael knew that was a hitler mustache i don't think boosie did no i don't think [Music] yeah i just never even know i almost bet busy would you have to remind him who hitler was right now i wonder if i wonder if because boozy and i are both intelligent people enough to make you know money i wonder if i wonder if like we were both on jeopardy who would win because i bet we both don't know a lot of [ __ ] you're setting me up right now i hate you no this is but you're evil by the way if we can get if by the way the people at jeopardy are listening get me and boosie who would be the perfect third me you and busy who do you think who do you think would win on jeopardy it depends on the listen if it i don't know i'm trying to think about what i think that's why i'm getting in trouble i'm trying to think about what busy would know more about than me i can't think of much i thought maybe southern rap because he's a pioneer of it i'm like i don't know man i mean i'm pretty [ __ ] healed i don't know hip-hop my southern hip-hop uh is really only miami atlanta and memphis right and some houston how deep does it get into memphis like eight balling mjgb jinping skinny pink so like that suave house uh ugk ghetto boys everything jay prince has done yeah i don't know i got to be honest with you jay prince is someone i came late to the game with because i read an article that jay prince uh put out like a like a not a hit on someone but was like hey we don't talk about this anymore and everyone's like okay man jay prince said we don't do it so the word is bond yeah he's a guy you wouldn't know because he was a behind the scenes guy that was like you know he's a real guy first of all i want to plug you all together though i would if you and jay prince of the podcast it would be so funny and so awesome well he there is nothing short of southern rap history dude that dude when biggie got killed this is how deep his roots run in the streets in the hip-hop when biggie got killed the weekend big he got killed jay prince flew to l.a to sit down with diddy sat diddy down and said listen man you know i know what's up they're gonna try to move on your mans y'all need to get out of here really yes sir jay prince he has a book called uh the art of respect and he talks about all these he talks about stuff that you don't know happened like there you know like breaks down the fourth wall [ __ ] of like the old because you know he was the first independent record label with the ghetto boys before cash money before no limit i thought master p was the first independent label before now master p stole the the book from jay prince really well jay prince gave it to him they were friends okay yeah master p came from new orleans to houston to see jay princess i remember i remember master p coming out so we got we got turned onto mjg and eight ball still i used to i used to come out on stage to uh alcohol posting on week oh it's one of my favorite songs i used to listen to in the car with my daughters yeah and they just they didn't know uh but uh we got turned on to mjj and eight ball that space age pimping album and then was that the album or was it uh over the edge or something i think it was space age pimp was the album was it yeah we got turned onto that and then through that suave house and then from there like the first time killer mic came out i thought it was was um mr mike yeah so i i and when i heard first time i heard killer mic i went so this is mr mike finally he's getting this come up like and then and then i was like oh this is not the same guy i remember the first killer mic verse that i heard that that really took off was that a bone crusher record so a mouse uh you think i'm a pug it had killer mic bone crusher and ti on it no yeah i got a hot fold fever call that [ __ ] bonita yeah no he was there this is way you know it's 10 years 15 years before running the jewels so i met i met uh sort of like outcast was outcast was like outcast was the next level for us and when i was like last year a high school high school first year college i think is and i i want to think i want to say elevators you know uh that that album whatever the atl at aliens came out when i was maybe like a junior first year junior first year sophomore but that was the one that redefined everything because and this is gonna sound crazy but i remember everyone was like his partner's gay yeah for sure they were like andre's gay like how cool is this band that like you got you got uh you got a [ __ ] big boy big boy and then and then he's with a legit gay dude and we're like oh that's so cool and but i ran into i did a show with him in uh cleveland out with andre with big boy big boy okay big boy and sleepy brown yep and uh and i was like if you don't think i'm meeting big boy you're out of my the dressing room dude i not only did i meet him i went on i opened for him i went on before him and it was 20 000 people uh they were not there to hear comedy they were chanting the machine that's all they wanted to hear i'm like i'm not telling the machine to 20 000 people who can't hear it and so what i did is i just took the camera that was on me and i said flip it to the audience let's see who's got great tits and so for 15 minutes we just went around for women flashing and big boy and his group were [ __ ] robbing me like you're brilliant i was like i don't know about brilliant yeah and so then i met him then uh i met him i talked to him afterwards and then the next day at the airport when was this this was uh oh yeah holstein you were there oh yeah oh yeah yes oh that's right you were what a [ __ ] icon from where you were i was about to say um and then the next morning at the airport i saw him at the airport and he was um he was getting out of his car and i just went daddy fat sacks yeah and he was like huh i said lucious left foot he's like oh [ __ ] you really are a fan i was like yeah i was like [ __ ] i am your biggest fan but outcast for us was the one that i mean like so much so and this is gonna sound horrible i don't mean this bad but like goody mob's first album we all listened to and it's not like maybe the best album in the world right right like we were all listening to goody mob like did have a couple hits um but then t.i was like when i had kids for whatever reason i was a ride or diet for ti so much so me and shane gillis and big j okay we're like uh we should invite him to do our lawrenceville georgia show come out and do stand up yeah so i was like i'm all for it stand up i don't give a [ __ ] people may hate on him i don't not me he's that good of a rapper that i'm like first please do stand up you know i hope two of your words rhyme in the middle of it you know what's crazy is that it's the reason i will never do stand up you'll end up doing it once for sure but i'll tell you why i'm afraid of it t.i one i think humbly i think i would crush i think i could kill i'll be honest humbly but i've got a lifetime of painful white trash stories that at least i've got between you and byrne and my friends yeah i got enough josh wolfe to help me punch it up a little right yeah but my thing is what i try to explain to people was we're watching t.i develop because he's a celebrity in front of the world yeah so it's like what you didn't see with other guys was like you didn't see the six years ten years however many years it was that bert was in [ __ ] clubs with not a cell phone recording him [ __ ] figuring out bert oh that but that's the that is the the beauty of getting successful when you've been doing comedy 20 years right is that no one sees especially i was doing it when there weren't like cameras around and there were at times there's videos of me bombing there's videos of me bombing really hard but uh really hard really uncomfortably really uncomfortable and trust me if you saw them you'd be i look different you'd be like oh wow that's a young yeah but like that's the tough thing about you know uh he's he's such a celebrity like you can't you know everything it's not like um i think about i'm trying to think about a comic that you know what it came through in the last few years that you see bill i don't want to name nobody and get it [ __ ] up but shane's a great example of a kid who built it i guess at the seller right so i believe i had together was that where that was in philadelphia like i worked with shane back i mean i couldn't even tell you how long ago there's a uh there's a picture that'll tell you yeah but i worked with yeah but he'll come through nashville a few times right and core comedy fans will go see it you know there might be some clips on the internet but nobody's googling or looking for him he's developed like i'm such a fan of comedy because of the way y'all develop your ex right so t.i is like you can't go to he couldn't pop up at any club every immediately you're gonna watch not a phone out to oh my god it's ti to a phone out so it's like i think all comedians went through what he's going through they just wasn't on tmz for it the next morning because they were already you know what i mean well no i mean also they're i mean i mean this respectfully if t i'm not the ti listens but if he ever hears this the respectful part is uh there is i don't know the right way to say this without sounding bad if there's an arrogance when you're a celebrity that you know what you're doing because you did the magic trick of becoming a celebrity so like there's a i mean this respectfully but there's an arrogance to ti that as hard as he works to get rid of it it's still going to be there a little bit right because he's so one of the best like when that whole versus thing was going down and he was telling everyone no i'll put my catalogue against anyone's i'm a ti fan he's not [ __ ] around no he's got his catalog you forget how [ __ ] deep his catalog is yes he said what did he say to 50 cent i'll make you look like nelly yeah and and you're like and and i'm i was by the way when he said that oh i was working with a hip-hop artist yeah one of the really good hip-hop artists and we were having conversations about how deep ti's catalog goes so when you have a catalog that deep when you go into stand-up and you're best friends with dave chappelle and and he treats you the same respect and there's going to be like a a like uh that shit's funny [ __ ] you guys whereas when you're young and you're nobody there is a humility that you need to learn how to be funny there's a humility you need to learn how to respect and then you need to learn you need to earn the arrogance of going no no no what i'm saying is funny and i'm sticking to this i just got to rework it you know like so like uh so i'll give you a perfect example when i first started to stand up comedy i had a joke about uh that ended up working on special it's not the most brilliant joke i know i'm but but i'm going to tell you i said i had i'm not homophobic i'm a homochondriac yeah uh i thought that was the joke would stand alone i knew it was funny but i didn't know that it i didn't know what it could be and i and i just dropped it i was like never mind it doesn't work right and then when i got older i was like oh it's just got to be quicker i'm not homophobic i it needs to be a subset of a joke uh i'm telling you a bigger joke and go i know what you're thinking he's a homophobic i'm not homophobic i got my homocontract i'm not afraid that you're gay i'm afraid that i'm gay and i'll you'll [ __ ] me and i'll like it was that on a secret timeline okay that was such a good [ __ ] job and so and so but what you need to do is be humble enough to go i know that that doesn't work we're gonna have to put it back here and then one day you need to be arrogant enough to know [ __ ] you that works and i'm going to make it work louis ck's not to put loot words in louie's mouth but he was the one that said he got good and once again this is paraphrasing he got good enough to be able to go back to his old joke books and figure out how to make those jokes work and and when you start as one of the best rappers ever as a comic it's very hard to find that humility to go yeah you're right you guys are right because they you've already got that air against the rapper you guys are right um that [ __ ] isn't funny [ __ ] me i'm by the way i haven't seen him work maybe he's like the most humble dude in the world but like i just i just think because he can't do it privately is that it's impossible he's not gonna be able to work it out that way because it's what i love about you're just performing in front of fans at that point and they're going to give you opportunities they're going to give you leverage it's why i why i do like a residency at the store in the belly room and and don't promote it is so that people that don't know me go there and then i can find out stuff is really fun it's really landing no and that's what i learned about what you all do is that y'all actually work and try to figure that and you'll have an idea and it'll miss you but i like the idea though maybe there's another approach there's another way i'm stuck on you all working stuck on the story i'm stuck on the story and i and i um got the point where i go i know the story is gonna work i don't have an end for it i know that every night i go i gotta go on stage i gotta tell that story i know that i don't have an end for it i know that one day my heels will be in the ground like omaha beach and i will i'll be forced to have the courage to find it at some point that's a bad example omaha beach by just listening to a documentary about it but like but like but i but it's it's really hard to start stand up when you're famous right it's very very very difficult and i and dare i say and i don't mean to you know dare i say it is a very special person that will start stand up as a famous person and be better than someone who started as a nobody that had the 20 years of of of proper training anonymously and struggle and and bombing when no one saw it and and being able to rebound because it was in an anonymity it's so [ __ ] difficult that only a few people can do it and it's been it's it's been done we're watching it happen but it's but it's not it's few and far between it's solely the reason that i i feel the same way about music oh right without a doubt did anyone did anyone ever hear dane cooks single oh it was the one time he put out a single not that bad but man because he's a famous comedian people are like nuh uh you it's just well it goes back to this i've wrote [ __ ] 2 000 songs yeah so it's like by nature you know i don't have 20 that's why i always joke everybody's like you should do comments i don't have 20 years to give to it i've already picked the thing to put my 20 years into i don't have 20 years to give away the way i'm treating this liver in this heart it's not going to go that way anyways right so it's like i just need to ride the pony i'm winning on yeah the ball it's summertime the days are hot and the grill is going it's the perfect time for enjoying wine with friends and family i wouldn't mind a glass of wine tonight i shouldn't but i want one that's what summer makes you feel like did you know that summer heat and sunlight can spoil your wine and your good times if it's not properly stored now is the time to get those bottles out of the boxes and off your countertops and protect them with the wine fridge from wine enthusiasts wine enthusiasts designs and offers the largest selection of wine coolers for every drinker every budget every size collection from six bottles to 600 bottles plus expert wine storage consultants are available by phone to help you find the right fit for all you needs wine enthusiasts is the premier destination for the wine lifestyle offering an incredible selection of unique wine accessories glassware furniture wine storage gifts and more don't miss wine enthusiasts fourth of july wine cellar and furniture sale save up to 25 on wine cellars and find furniture now through july 4th visit wine enthusiasts dot com or text bert 511 511 text bert b-e-r-t to 5-11-511 that's text bert b-e-r-t to 5-11-511 today certain exclusions may apply you may receive up to one additional text text fees may apply text stop to opt out so i tell you what i told my daughter she plays the piano and plays guitar and we were talking one night and i said bailey i need to tell you something's gonna be hard for you to hear and she took this really well i said i can write a thousand songs with you but i can't write them for you because if i could i already did i wrote two thousand songs i got a thousand to give away yeah i got a thousand songs that never made it on any project to give away wow this is a great this is a great conversation keep going yeah so it's like i got a thousand songs to give away like um it's like uh you talked about it one time you called um maybe it was stan hope you're like what are you doing say right knock knock jokes yeah i write a song a day bert brother i do something with it record it anything at some point in the day i'll at least write an idea a day every single day and i tell bailey that all the time i'm like bailey that is the it goes back to the comedian thing i'm like bailey these people have been in these nightclubs 10 15 years three five nights a week sometimes six seven when they're really young and going after that's what they do just trying to find a way to make people laugh and figure out just like i had to find my singing voice yeah you know what i mean it's the exact same concept it's like that's the thing is that is ti willing to dedicate you can't just pop up on a friday yeah and crush you know what i mean because you know unless you're coming in there and singing you know [ __ ] uh whatever she likes in mid-set you know it's not going to work you know it was you you said something about that when you go i you know i you're talking to your daughter i've written ten thousand songs i can't i can write a song for you but you need to learn how to write them that's the thing is the is i compare it to that song do you remember when you were a kid or that game when we were kids we'd play a game i don't know if everyone played it but you'd it was like maybe over high school someone would be like i'm going camping and i'm bringing a tennis racquet what are you bringing and then someone going i'm going camping i'm bringing hockey they're like no you can't go what do you bring in and you go around and you had to figure out the algorithm for the game do you remember that game as a kid they used to it was it was like there was a trick like uh whatever you were bringing had this had to have five letters so that would be the thing so then some will go i'm bringing a dot with five letters or whatever and you go you can go camping what are you bringing but you had to hear enough of them to figure it out and by the the first round you couldn't figure it out the second round you couldn't figure it out the it was like the tenth round when you wanted to give up that all of a sudden you saw the algorithm and you went oh holston type in the ongoing camping game and so that's what stand-up's like is i can [Music] my buddy john john manz is my cameraman he can't tell a story to save his life i'm never going to teach him how my brain works to hear a story to know the important parts to know the part that is engaging right he has one he has some of the most fascinating stories about he met richard branson one time randomly randomly if he tells you the story it's 15 minutes long and you're so bored within the first five minutes that you never get to the richard branson part so for whatever reason in in in my ten thousand work hours of telling stories i can hear your story and go oh i i know the peaks of this i know it needs to be said early so that you can pay off at the end i know how to just can i just and i said to him one time can i just tell you your story and then you tell it like that's how you should tell it when you tell it right and he's like please because he's he wants the story to get laid right and i was like i was like i was like let me help you man like let me show you but you you got to spend those 10 000 hours playing the game to figure out the algorithm to figure out the thing and that's what is beautiful about doug stanhope it's doug stanhope's spent 20 000 hours so when i go to stand hope with a joke he can very quickly go well why are you telling this part right and you're like or he can say you know what you should do and you know doug stanhope and david tell and all the greats they'll give it to you in a riddle where you got to figure it out for yourself they're not going to just [ __ ] give you the punchline they're like i don't know like i remember uh i was sitting with a great comic one time and i said man this joke isn't working they were like but the story isn't working and they're like have you thought about telling some jokes inside it and i went you just forget about it sometimes do you see how because the story's so good you have one the player's designated to come up with a secret rule regarding the item that people can bring to the trip here's some examples item starts with a certain letter so if you go i'm going camping i'm going to bring a tennis racket what are you bringing the guy goes i don't know football you can't go what are you bringing and then the guy goes i don't know uh a baseball game can't go what do you bring in the guy goes toothpaste he's like you can go and everyone's like why can he go it was a tennis racket so that's the game we used to play it as kids uh that's actually a greater now it's a great analogy for songwriting too yep is that like so that's why that's why i love comedy by the way i want to do the comparison of songwriting and comedy to me is so similar i wanted to write a song so i wanted to write i wanted to write sincere music that is comedic in nature because i'm so bad at writing sincere music like i was that was like one of my white whales when i first started excited i started as a guitar act in college i would play guitar at fraternity parties and it would murder but it was all like pink houses by john cougar mellencamp because the the setup the the framing of that was so rhymey um i could not for the life of me crack the code of of sincerity meaning something my sincerity always came out as someone trying to be sincere and you're like did he just say date rape in this song was she raped kind of like the why is that in the story yeah you know what songwriting is and i'll give you this analogy because it's your analogy of storytelling once you know where the song ends yeah getting there so easy that's by the way this is the same as storytelling right exactly once this is once you know that you just said your story you know the rest of it's just spicing it up yeah so it's like once i know what the payoff is what my punch line is yeah so to speak in y'all's world it's like okay and then sometimes there's the occasional thing and i don't know if this happens in comedy i've wanted to talk about this with you for years is that sometimes in songwriting it's like there's the payoff and you know where the payoff is so it's just kind of finding the funniest way to get there for me the most the most melodic and telling the telling a great story or making evoking a motion on the way to the payoff and then sometimes the melody itself is so strong that it can carry itself right so you're just in a place where you're like it's not that it doesn't matter what i say here but i don't have to be as thoughtful of the payoff because the the journey is so beautiful okay okay so so this is a that's a perfect analogy so i had a joke i had a joke that i didn't hey big boy uh about uh going to starbucks just hold on stop that is in my top 10 bits ever thank you i've got a top 10 for the record i'll share them with you later but i have a top 10 everything in life i'm that guy but thank you thank you so i didn't i didn't need i didn't need everything i said to the barista i didn't need to be the funniest thing you ever heard i just needed it to be funny enough to get me to the end because it's all a misdirect i want you to get lost in the that's not the funniest thing in the world but the idea is that i laugh at my own jokes there's so many misdirects inside there but i want to get to that's the reason that's what's wrong with cream right that's was that's where you [ __ ] me up that was the payoff so that's the payoff yeah i remember getting a comment online i've i've uh i have by the way no longer looked at comments especially about my work but i remember getting a comment online and the guy goes this guy sucks these are that is just reddit jokes and i went that is a guy who's dumber than he'll ever know he thinks he's the smartest guy in the room not realizing he didn't listen to the whole joke he tapped out he's so stupid that he actually didn't listen to the joke he thought the joke was what i said to the guy about how i take my coffee that's the myth and i went oh that's the guy you want to lose in the joke the dumbest guy and the dumbest guy on reddit who's like don't see this on the internet and you're like no you haven't and then and then uh and but but some and that nice thing once you get the end then it's almost like um i want the perfect analogy for this i want the perfect analogy because i know it's there i know it's there i just don't know what it is uh i'm gonna say i'm gonna say uh skinning an animal and we we skinned a buffalo one time in in in crow territory and it seemed so overwhelming to me until they got the skin off and they we had to we had to uh process the whole animal right once they got the skin off then you were like oh i think i start to see the cuts of meat so once you get that end then you can see the cuts of meat you have in that joke and then you can go oh like i just i can't tell you the joker i can tell you the joke you just got to edit it out that had no ending but it had so much good stuff in the middle the problem is all the good stuff in the middle doesn't matter to me because i know i got nothing at the end the [ __ ] machine story this is a perfect example the machine story i thought i had the end i thought the end was uh tonight your party thus i thought that would be the big end it wasn't the audience tells you what the end is the audience will go you know and then what happened and you're like huh like and then what happened you're like [ __ ] it's over and then be like oh but did you party with them and i was like well yeah i ended up and then i was like now i'm telling another story wasn't until i got the [ __ ] that [ __ ] this is russia yeah that i knew i now have an end to the story and that that day i can tell you the day i can tell you what i was looking at i was looking at a house plant on the columbus funny bone stage when i figured out the [ __ ] that [ __ ] this is russia once you have that you go oh this joke's done now i just gotta cinch up the middle pull out like almost like shake it and all that loose [ __ ] falls out you're like okay now i can just push it together and now we have a story yeah i i love so i think songwriting is this the starbucks joke for me this is why it did it for me and it got in my top ten because i'm i really do have a top ten the american dream by george carl is my first one oh yeah i just think that [ __ ] is so powerful and so fun doug stan hopes i used to open my show with this doug stan hopes i don't whatever the the bit about uh i don't i don't count on i don't count on not drinking to have a good time if i get up here too [ __ ] up you know whatever you know you remember that don't do the big cause i'd butcher it but i literally used to play that right before i walked on stage for people like who if i don't count on that i'm [ __ ] your fault if i [ __ ] you know what i mean it's just such a good thing for so it's it's a personal top five to me because of that i got a doug stanhope my favorite joke my favorite joke is him calling have you heard the new it's on his new album where he calls uh customer support in in uh syria or whatever that's my favorite that that i watched him tell that probably four years ago at the store and it was so great to hear and i respected doug but to hear a hacky premised joke done brilliantly yes and he figured it out oh it's the best you just made me realize that my top 10 might be my top 10 comedians and just my favorite bit of theirs yeah but for you with the starbucks it was because songwriting the melody was so beautiful i didn't expect to pay off right because the melody of the joke in my world was like this is [ __ ] great and if he does anything so you know the melody yeah yeah that melody is a stolen melody it's like a beatles riff right is you know the melodies guy walks into a bar right that's why the melody works guy walks into a bar bartender says hey man why uh i don't know guy leaves next day guy walks in the same bar the melodies and that's based off of stan hope saying to me that's all based off of stan hope going i'm writing knock-knock jokes we're as funny as those guys right how come we can't write guy walks into a bar so i tried i tried desperately to write guy walks into a bar jokes guy walks into a bar guy walks into a bar guy walks into a bar [ __ ] beating myself up because that's the fun the light bulb just went off in my head now where you got that from because in the joke you said i was up all night writing jokes for this particular yeah because i did ask at goosebumps dude i can't tell because it just hit me where that came because i looked at it from song on jesus christ i've got goosebumps i got the because i was i i looked at it like the melody because in the music to a melody like i'm in it it's flowing so well i didn't know if it had a payoff i didn't care maybe it went back to joe rogan somehow because that's kind of how it started yeah you know what i mean her tom i was like i didn't know but i was just so lost in the melody of it that i was like and then when he was like and there was two and at that moment i was like ha this is finna turn you just get that moment as a fan when you're like this is fixing to go somewhere that thing was gonna go and in my world it's like um when somebody writes a song and the title leads you to believe it's something and all the way to the chorus you think it's something and then it's not that yeah does that make sense say that again one more time so like um the title leads you to me with something right so like jimmy allen just drops now i'm a good friend of my country guys he's got a i'm probably gonna butcher because i've only heard it once but it's called habits and heart heart breaks or something and i was like i get it this is going to be like a play on the word of like breaking a habit or breaking your heart okay whatever and then his tagline ended up being habits are harder to break than hearts sometimes oh i just watched it happen to you too right because it seemed like this is obviously what it's going to be a lot of bad habits have broken the good hearts so it's like when he did it i was like i was listening skeptically like yeah dude i'm [ __ ] yeah i was like there's no way that i'm not gonna like yeah habits and hearts i'm like there's no way that i'm you know i knew immediately there's gonna be a break in here because happens hard breaks breaking above you know but i didn't know and then the way he did it was like and the other one is like your melody of a joke is uh i wish grandpa's never died by riley gray you ever heard this song no you want to cry listen to it and it's called i wish grandpa's never died so the whole song you're like i know what this payoff is there's no way he unless this turns into a funny song he says some morbid [ __ ] this is gonna be sad and it didn't matter that i knew you know what i mean like i knew it was back to the beauty of your melody when i did go back to the early part when i was like sometimes the melody's so beautiful it doesn't matter it's like the melody of that joke was so beautiful to me i knew that the joke was going to be a racist bait like you knew what the setup was it was a kicker and a [ __ ] joke by dave chappelle right like [ __ ] the most genius show like i know what's coming but i'm still like what's up i don't even know what was coming that's why i loved it is i didn't know it was it was like it's so this is a bad analogy but it's like it's what made dave matthews to me so good and i know people [ __ ] on dave matthews i saw him recently he looks amazing he played the hits and he had fun on stage and i went all right let me be that guy let me be that guy let me be that guy forever i don't give a [ __ ] and but what was great about his him is that he would change direction so quickly in a song that that's what i love about kickr and the [ __ ] is that that was one that was almost like uh that was like a dave dave of dave matthews song for me where it's like and then i can't dream the [ __ ] i told you i was dope son like it's it but i love that it just changed direction the melody of comedy is the is recognizable at times it's why everyone steals uh people's rhythm like david tells melody his rhythm is is uh hey i mean i didn't was until i worked with a patel recently that i go even at 49 i've got hints of a tell still in my act me and segura say it all the time it was like i i i every joke you'd write you go i want them to recognize this as a joke so you go you know what cops hate when you touch their faces like it's almost like dave attell told us how to do it mitch hedberg all right yeah i mean you hear hedberg and so many people dane cook so many people stole the melody of these comics these comics that found out found a rhythm that worked for them and then people would just rip it off and it's the hardest part about comedy and this is why when we talk about ti we go where i bet i i wonder from hip-hop he already has his rhythm down but you got to figure out your own whole different pocket and you got to figure out how to tell things in different rhythms i mean it's a whole different kind of storytelling too i am i compare they're so similar in the concept of how they're put together but it's so different as far as it's the payoff alone is insane to me because sometimes we can say the most obvious thing you always have to say the least obvious thing or say the most obvious thing at the least obvious time yeah it's interesting you say that is that is that a real assessment like i said i'm not you know this is and the cool part about talking to you about this is you're just a music nerd that played a little i mean a comedy nerd that played a little [ __ ] music when you were a kid or whatever a music nerd that tells jokes i'm just a comedy nerd that [ __ ] writes songs i don't know anything about the true dynamics of comedy except for i'm a [ __ ] huge fan of comedy i wish i still had the one song i wrote that was so remarkably bad that any time people heard it they got the greatest laugh of their life because they convinced me it was good and so they'd have me play it and then they had to hold a straight face as i played it and they would go and that's the best laugh you can ever get the greatest laugh is not wanting to laugh at something that is truly hilarious and i wrote a song called uh uh i think it was called mary margaret and it was so bad i wonder who would i wonder who would remember that i i mean it was so bad i played it for uh mark tremani uh the guitarist for creed and he had to if i remember correctly he had to bite his inner lip from not laughing but they would have me play it and they go no bert play us your hit and it was so [ __ ] bad it was so bad but i cuz i couldn't help i can't help but point out i think i'm so awkward sometimes in life i can't help but notice the awkward thing and think that's all perfect example perfect example i am the guy who would write a song about drinking a gallon of kool-aid thinking we all drink a gallon of kool-aid and everyone would sit there and go you're the only one that drinks schoolwork sure yeah especially a gallon of it at a time yeah yeah we got to get you on as a guest bear we've got to get you on a guest bear oh honestly i wonder if i wonder if um what's your schedule look like pull can you pull up his schedule are you how hard are you touring right now uh we're pretty heavy in september i'm off in all of august though i got a whole august off which is i'm all almost all of august too oh dope yo we should write a song by the way i i you don't think i was thinking of that all day yes next time we get together let's just get together an hour before and we'll just okay here's the problem let's do this let's do this we'll do we can just do this podcast again we can do we can do two bears two bears the problem is it shoots out at either austin or sometimes l.a but i can do this anywhere yeah so like i can come to nashville to find you and we can do it there we go i'm also down to come to austin just so you know i have bag and will travel yeah we can this is by far shameless plug here the most exposure i've ever got in my life was theo's podcast oh theo's is that you want to talk about a great songwriter theo's i mean or joke writer what am i saying [ __ ] jesus i was like [ __ ] you never told me no i just seen him yesterday i got very lucky i will say this i don't know if theos agrees with this he very well may not i got very lucky and i feel like i was that first generation of comic that got to witness how smart he was because theo like ti was coming into it off of the heels of some fame already right right and so but theo man is is when we talk about the anomalies of people who came in famous and figured out comedy and do it well theo is that one of those guys and i when we did reality bites back i got to witness like how funny this dude i mean i remember thinking he might be the funniest guy i've ever met in my life on stage and off stage off stage he's so quick he's so but he's so weird he's so unique that i see the clip of him going viral right now that goes uh my favorite kind of marijuana was cocaine yeah and you're like dastia's brain he's [ __ ] great he's always looking for it till you see it in his eyes like when you're talking to him he's always looking for the goof he's uh he's a genius man so wait so this is you're on tour in july what's tailgating see how august opens up to the end of august you would love it too during the brandon amphitheater in what's in august yeah i'm playing a lot of the spots that y'all just played we're doing a lot of sheds my next show down here will be in october and we're doing the um honda center i guess yeah right october 8th i'm on tw wait what day is that i'm not sure i'll tell you i'm on tour pretty [ __ ] aggressively i'll tell you the one that's going to mean the most and i know you're probably booked because it's a big friday december the 9th of 2022 that's the bridgestone arena in nashville that's our [ __ ] arena that's it's big i'm doing red rocks it's almost sold out by the way if anybody on here wants to help finish that for me and give me my first rock because bert's got two of the rocks now right you got two of the rocks i got one rock oh you played it twice right no i played again in september oh okay so you're gonna get two rocks yeah i'm gonna get my figure my second rock the first one was opening for tech nine love you tech by the way tech nine can i tell you what's brilliant about tech nine and i know that you and him were supposed to do a tour um he i was sitting there telling someone i wish i could invest in like hydration therapy he's already invested in it no he is he's like he's like a smart he's like a [ __ ] travis hillman travis oh gwen not taking nothing from tech because texas genius too but travis o'guin is a mentor of mine that owned that started strange music with tech is one of the smartest most savvy business dudes you will ever talk to in your life if you're ever in kansas city and just want to have a drink with somebody who will blow your mind this dude is a close to a billionaire i mean who did the hydration therapy i'm sure it was i can promise you if tech put some money in something travis the last every time i've got there like hey do you want tech 9 to get a drip with you i was like wait what and they're like yeah tech nine does trips i was like i tried to get a drip on the way here i went to rajuv oh yeah yeah horrible experience she missed the values did you get did you end up getting one no it was a horrible horrible experience across the board but we ate a taco and felt better we had the funniest thing so think about this i'll just say it we went to the rainbow room to celebrate kimmel so they put the kimmel on the rainbow room tv last night after i left shop now keep in mind i started drinking at four yeah probably never be allowed back because of this but edit this out so we end up doing rails of cocaine on the bar at the rainbow room wait edit this out this is the best part okay leave it [ __ ] it so we're like we're doing rails of coke the whole band is there our whole crew because it was like you know an 18-person production to do all that yeah you know so you know you know more than anybody so it's a big deal we're all in la together [ __ ] we're watching kimmel we're just hit i mean on the bar not like behind the bar not beside the bar i mean we're just laying them out little [ __ ] little gator tails yeah i'm saying we're just partying and drinking and i knew you'd had a tooth pulled yeah so i was already like i don't think i'm gonna catch bird tomorrow cause i would have totally understood by the way you doing this is so gangster and i was like so i'm laying there this morning thinking i'm dying of course right i know that feeling when you can't see more than four inches in front of your nose everything's right there and you're like no no no and the phone's flashing and i look and it's andrew and i'm like yes i'm calling to cancel it's about 11 30. this is the cancel hour andrew cool hey what's up man we're on one o'clock i'm shooting you the address right then i panic and text my brother and go uh i don't want to say where your spot is but i'm like find an iv spot right near this address right now i was like we're going straight there and i thought i was like because my my my fear was like i knew you might be on an antibiotic so i was like i i didn't feel too bad to get an iv yeah but if you didn't end up on an antibiotic and i walked in you was like let's shoot a shot and i was like we're finna get day drunk [ __ ] i need to be i like it i i i was working out i worked out this morning so i wanted to see how i felt yeah like just moving around because he said he goes you're going to have a lot of pain just moving your head around and my i was felt fine i worked out this morning and i was like i was like man i think i might get [ __ ] up tonight and leanne's like you're on antibiotics [ __ ] and i was like yeah but you can get a little [ __ ] up right she's like no she's like you've put so much hurt on your liver allow it to process antibiotics please yeah so i was like all right i was like okay then this builds up for the next time we hang out yeah i was like and we'll do it like a we'll do a later in the day one [ __ ] open up the windows smokes once [ __ ] really have fun just talking write a song i like that i want to write a song in fact i want to write too i want to write one where we goof like me and scholes did yeah and i want to write a serious one but the flip side of it is you can always have the goof one in your bag if you want to break it out and i'll sing the serious one and we won't tell people we wrote it until after it's out i say we write two serious ones and pick they can pick which one i wrote and which one you said yes one the catch line is and i can't find my sunglasses i just think it'll be dope if we wrote a really dope good song and then i sang it and then then when people like yo that shit's dope i'm like you won't believe i wrote that with burgers do you ever listen to what everyone's gonna [ __ ] lose their minds in their car and go shut the [ __ ] up bert do you ever listen to wilco yes okay you ever listen to red eyes blue yes that's what okay can you just play that real quick can i can i tell you this is my favorite i can listen to this over over and over and over again i love i don't have the ability to be as sincere for some reason i was given a weird face and body that when i try to be sincere you want to laugh right like everything that's why i navola had sex with six people women or some people women because because i when i go to kiss it's still funny right like i remember the first time i kissed leanne she was i kiss with my eyes open right and she just went your eyes are open and i was like you're sorry too this she was like huh and i was like what do you mean do you notice your eyes open and she's like no it's kind of creepy you just like stare and i go yeah what do you do you close your eyes like yeah close your eyes i was like have you always done that or did you miss my whole life did you miss early one time with your eyes closed it was like never again i'm watching all the way in oh i missed the other night and the dark i tried to kiss her in the dark and [ __ ] out her nose in my mouth that happens all the time with me my poor wife is blind she can't see [ __ ] she's like the blind person walking around like this you know what squids you could literally walk in a room right now and she'd wave at you and i'd be like and i'll whisper to her baby that's perfect but go burt yeah i want to write we're going to write we'll write two songs next time we get it it'll be dope we'll do this is what we'll do we'll do an evening yeah we'll do early evening so we can go out yeah so we'll do early evening then we'll go out to like the store or something go somewhere like maybe go to the rainbow room i can't do coke my cardiologist has already kabushed that i can't do neither i didn't do it last night they were doing it i was not i called i i called i texted my cardiologist on the csi or the the cedars app one time and i was like hey man uh quick question uh does molly affect my blood pressure medicine and is my blood pressure okay enough to do cocaine yeah and he went i cannot as your cardiologist say that you can do either of these the answer is no and also stop taking xanax so yeah here's my tequila story okay i went into atrial fibrillation in 2017. heartwarming algorithm that's what wait how does that happen well just random it goes from sinus ribbon out sometimes it just palpitates and just snaps out of its normal rhythm so normally it's associated with palpitations like when your heart feels like it goes and then goes back into rhythm every now you ever have your heart kind of hold out for a second no like it's taking a breath i know this is possible oh sorry new fear unlocked clock text me i'll let you know if it's real so but um i was having a and i couldn't figure out what was wrong and i went to go see my car they had to cardiovert it back in the rhythm you mean clear yeah no they like put you down and then they kind of like i think it's something like that but they do something like they put you to sleep and it's real fast and very painless but um still very scary really and when i came out of it first of all i dropped 200 pounds in like five months immediately really true story and getting most of it back over code i'm losing again though i just hired george lockhart to live with me i pick him up tomorrow who's yours george lockhart joe rogan i can't wait to tell joe this when i finally meet him because joe's how i first heard of george joe did all of conor mcgregor's weight cuts all of tyson fury's last four or five fights he is like the most prominent nutritionist on earth he is the oh wait he is the king of making people make weight in the ufc conor mcgregor max holloway habib nurmagomedov daniel cormier when he used to cut down to 205. all i can think of is how much fun it would be to live with him and sneak behind his back and eat well i do that but the cool thing is i don't have to sneak behind his back to drink because he adds that and he like works that out with me so i'm losing weight now but anyways i get cardioverted and i go see my my cardiologist and who's become a friend of mine sadly but i go listen man hey by the way good cardiologists are yeah right yeah especially for guys like us by the way the amount of business i brought to my cardiologist every comment goes to my cardio oh dude no for sure me too yeah every musician in nashville my wife everybody he's got the number one thing anyone listen to this podcast right now if there is a history of stroke or heart attack in your family get a cardiologist tomorrow the only thing they will tell you is good news because any news that you get at this point while you walk into that office is good news for sure yeah and they'll look for markers to help you yeah like you know that my dude will set me straight or something's off so i'm sitting down with them it's like a good iv guy right justin williams body works franklin tennessee is my guy when you come to nashville i'm sure you got a guy in nashville let me send you my guy he is the guy he does kid rock he does vince neil he does you name it he does all everybody in country music okay he's he's our guy he's the guy and between him and my cardiologist i know i'm always i get i get my blood work done every three months i take it's my health decision i'm losing weight i got george there i know somebody in the comments can be like we want to see julie live like they do you all the time [ __ ] you and your mom i got off coding and cocaine kiss my ass i'm doing better but i [ __ ] go to the cardiologist right man we are so similar we are so [ __ ] similar we are so [ __ ] similar go [ __ ] yourself don't [ __ ] yourself yeah you're not my myf you're not my wife you're not my best friend don't talk and say a word you just see what i give you on [ __ ] oh my god yeah no 100 like dude trust me i am and it's like i learned losing the weight the last time i'm that's why i brought george in last time i just crash dieted and lost a bunch of weight yeah it's like i'm going to lose it right with george yeah but i go to my cardiologist burt and he's like look you got to quit drinking and i look him straight now i go that's that's the only hill i'll die on i'll quit everything else you tell me to quit right now molly's gone everything's gone you tell me to quit it doc i'm done with it today except for occasionally right i'm like but for the most part i'll be a better man i swear to god you know he's like he said let me talk to you in the hallway he goes out in the hallway and i don't know why he did this i still think it's funny he walks out in the hallway without his jacket on just wearing a t-shirt he goes drink [ __ ] tequila she's like it's cleaner it's lower in carbs it's lower in sugar it's lower in processes he said i could be wrong but i'm betting money right now you got wheat belly and you got a problem with barley cut liquor out of your life whiskey out of your life vodka if it's a potato or corn it's fine yeah drink clear trust me he walks back into the room comes back into the room looks me straight now and goes you got to quit drinking and i'm like he goes you got to quit drinking i'm like there's a like he's wired yeah like like he was giving me professional and friendly advice but as a professor it was weird but i was like i got you right so i to that day i went got an allergy test i'm highly allergic to barley i developed it somewhere i was drinking a handle of crown royal on tour day yeah and eating cheeseburgers and found out my body quit [ __ ] with red meat and whatever anyway so yeah it changed my whole life been a tequila guy ever since because of the cardiology so my cardiologist said a very similar story this is amazing this is amazing how many similarities we have so my cardiologist said very first time he said i went in there he said uh number one you gotta quit drinking and i said well that's that's not gonna happen anyone what what do you mean i said try just tell me other stuff like let's pretend that's a non yeah and he goes here's listen we all know how this ends and i was like no i get it and he goes all right well i don't know tell you so i get a new another new cardiologist i get the nurse practitioner my cardiologist is doing i think he's doing work with either kovid or with uh in like small countries like he goes over and helps so this nurse practitioner this one this one was one that got me she goes uh she goes we gotta we gotta cut back on the alcohol and i was like i was like i know my liver enzymes are fine but she's like you know this only ends one way and i went yeah i know i know i got that she goes no i don't think you really get that so she walked me out she said see i see everyone in this waiting room and it's just i mean when you see old people at a cardiologist they're like yeah barely holding on and she goes everyone in here didn't stop partying that's what you need to know and i looked at that room and it has never been clearer to me and i was like okay i was like i got you and i was like uh so you mean like big chunks of sobriety and she was like no is that what i mean let me quit drinking forever and i went okay well sure so then we see her at red rocks she goes to my red rock show and i've got a blunt in one hand a cocktail in the other and she's [ __ ] partying and i'm like oh come on yeah and then and then and by the way she didn't have the mask off she's absolutely gorgeous she's like and i didn't i see i've only seen more with the mask on and i was like oh hundley i'm like man let me introduce you to my cardiologist he's like i thought you had doctor or i shouldn't say his name but uh but yeah but uh but yeah i i look i i go by the numbers and i go by my enzymes are always good my um my blood work's always coming good my blood pressure's up and down what are you on the center parallel no is there a piss or close to here i'm fixing to lose it yeah yeah yeah go piss go piss oh that's so [ __ ] great i will say if we're back taping that uh that is the fanciest [ __ ] toilet seat i've ever seen 37 years of being a breathing human oh you got a [ __ ] on it no i wish it's so good to sit on i might try to pinch one out just because it's there was that a bidet yeah yeah yeah never use one oh they're [ __ ] earnest my buddy one of the best songwriters in country music who's actually number one songwriter on billboard this week in country music sent me one the dude wipe one yeah but i hadn't hooked it up yet oh it's uh they are uh it's a game changer i've been hands-free for [ __ ] five years now it says dryer on it yeah it's got dryer on it segura is the first american i ever saw with one and he went segura is a fancy boy he went through and picked up uh those toilets for every toilet in every bathroom in his house and i went to his house one time i went to take a [ __ ] and he was like oh make sure you use the toilet and i was like i will and what do you think i was gonna sit in your sink and he goes no no use the toilet i went i will use your toilet what a good friend though dude is that i sat down and thinking [ __ ] and i went wait what was the thing it was use the [ __ ] toilet i went oh and man the first time that hit my [ __ ] my dick got hard i was like i was like that's what i wanted and i i i put them everywhere everywhere in our house they're my favorite things how uh how i don't want to like spoil anything so we don't have to post this but how deep into the special are you uh well okay so i know that the movie probably took away from it from no right not at all uh i so i toured during the pandemic so i had a brand new hour when no one had any new material so i had a brand new hour and i was like oh cool and then uh and then yeah that's the toilet i got it's called toto that that one yeah good i'll be able to watch this back and [ __ ] buy that puppy and then uh and so and so i had a brand new hour but i but i wasn't happy while i was touring with it in driving movie theaters so it was it was very like very punchy with with not a lot of heart it was a very like [ __ ] dot dot and it was almost like to just because those were so those were open-air people in cars uh 2000 people spread out over you know what [ __ ] you know an eighth of a mile so it was it was like kind of tough when i got it into theaters like the first time i did it i was like oh this thing's like almost like exhausting it's too like you know so i and i wanted to i wa and i felt like there wasn't enough in it there was missing it was missing a lot of things and so i've added some stories i've shortened some stories i've pulled out some stories i've taken away some stuff i've too punchy do you mean like let it breathe did it need to breathe yeah like it's not the comic i am because in those like i had like this you know uh like uh uh in those venues you needed to you needed to do this you needed to like throw the can in the air and then pop up as it landed and as it landed and it hit the ground you had to make it dance pop pop pop pop and so you couldn't whereas a a good story i think is more like cans on the thing and you're like pop pop like nine cans on the thing pop pop pop and then it hits there you go pop pop pop pop pop pop you know so like that's the way my brain works about the way i see an hour is uh thing thing thing with multiples thing multiples thing like it's got to be almost like boxing and so um and this didn't have it and then i toured it in theaters through it for the last eight months and it got way better and it and it's and it's it's it's set up it's in a great spot but it's it it's always missing something in my opinion and [ __ ] leanne [ __ ] leanne is so good she watched me in lawrenceville and with the one joke that i have never had an ending to i got an end to leanne is so valuable to me in like and like that kind of stuff because she sees it from like a perspective i don't see it from right like like i don't what do they call that the ten thousand thirty three ten thousand feet up yeah whatever the 30 thousand yeah because it's so micro to me yeah that like that it's right here and i can't see it when it's out here some of the stuff i find funny is not like you need someone to point out why you're a [ __ ] that's why i love tommy do you when you finish your special so let me tell you what my philosophy about songwriting is a song's never finished i just quit yeah yep yep because because once you record it the the next [ __ ] day you find the verse you could have never yes like 100 the next day carrot and cucumber i used to be joking about putting a carrot versus a cucumber my wife's ass and and and i i did it forever did it forever did it forever second i put it on a special the next day i'm like i got a [ __ ] ton of tags for it i'm like [ __ ] yeah that's i don't know why it's like that so they also have a thing that i used to tell people i this my advice to songwriters is polish it to shine don't polish the paint off and songwriters will get into a room and start polishing and that thing will be pearly and that's some [ __ ] will keep polishing and next thing you know they'll [ __ ] the paint up they'll scratch the paint off of it you know i've i've retired a story uh i have a story about uh that you know i don't know you have to hear the story but about uh my dog priscilla that uh i was polishing the pain off of and and i could feel it and i stopped telling it and everyone's always like hey man you're not telling that story and i go yeah i know i think i'll record it for my special but i don't think i need to tell it again right i'll tell it a couple times a week before i shoot my special just to tighten it up but like i don't need to i don't need to polish the paint off yeah it's pearly it's shining right now right now where i want it yep and you got to be careful not to polish the paint now that's why i tell people if i as a songwriter i'd keep i'd write the song a thousand more times get it right yeah at some point i just got to go that's a good [ __ ] song man i'm done yeah i've got to accept it when i [ __ ] put it in mastering i'm gonna listen to it again and go [ __ ] i could have said this how do you feel about songs like like a song i've always loved that that i'm curious to know like as a songwriter how you feel about that style of song is like rocky raccoon by the uh beatles you know or like or like skeeter and the monkey man by the traveler mulberries where they're like story songs yeah like how do you feel about these long story songs about like the greatest example for me would be the most obvious would be american pie yeah right it's a seven minute long story song and it's written extremely abstract so it's kind of like all over the place and you're trying to follow it and figure it out those are my favorite songs where you're trying to figure it out the open for interpretation songs okay so yeah james taylor fire and reign was me and my father god rest his soul's favorite song yeah together and it was just such an uh you know because one james was famous he was so shy in his 70s interviews we watched james taylor get interviewed he just looked like oh my god there's a camera he's like yeah i just wrote a song and they're like what was it about and he's like i don't know i just wrote it like he was so [ __ ] weird and about so you never really knew what he was writing about and he wrote in dylan dylan i think was the greatest writer as far as being an abstract writer you know what i mean like just think about the opening line of uh we gotta find our way up out of here said the joker to the thief oh it's such a it's so great hear me like what is he gonna talk about what is he talking about well you know it's just like such a draw in i love rex so yeah those storylines rigby my favorite my favorite this is going to sound so stupid this will tell you my intelligence level my favorite uh version of eleanor rigby was in that [ __ ] re that movie they made about the guy who starts rewriting beatles songs what's it called tomorrow no it's the um ending yesterday yesterday yeah yeah yeah he that was such a fun [ __ ] movie such a good movie man such a good movie i thought that was a great version too i love reading i love that i love that it it made me slow down unless the lyrics i don't think i'd ever listen to the lyrics before so many songs sometimes do this you go like you go like oh that's pretty good song right and then you hear uh you hear the song one time you hear it differently and you go whoa what the [ __ ] is this like like uh for wilco i'd listen to welcome and i was like oh they're good but then one day i was walking from the econo lodge to the to the sacramento uh laughs unlimited and i was having my head so sex and for whatever reason the the the busyness of the music went away and i listen to the lyrics and then once you listen to the lyrics once on one song then that artist becomes something bigger for you same with the karma police by radiohead i was a big radiohead fan but i don't think i'd ever really listen to much of their lyrics then you hear karma police and it's just it's such a beautiful song that you're like oh wow i need to go back and listen to other songs of theirs yeah no i felt the same way about um that's always been my thing too is that if i can get you to so my music is very cathartic i'm glad we're getting to talk about this too because my music i wrote music always from the perspective of i was robin williams and willie nelson to writing songs right i'm a very jovial guy in real life yeah really a very kind of a sad spirit but willie's famous for you know hippie headband trigger the guitar he plays nylon he's always high that same dude wrote blue eyes crying in the rain yeah the same dude wrote my heroes have always been cowboys and they still are today you know like he just had this way of just touching you with these sad songs but as a spirit you know like robin life of the party funniest dude on earth there was clearly some dark [ __ ] happening so it's like that's my approach to writing my wife says it's my therapy it's probably what keeps me from completely losing my [ __ ] so i write very cathartic music and i know that once i can get you into the lyrics of a jelly roll song if you've been witnessed any pain in your life at all any of any magnitude you will connect and once i get you stuck in that wormhole of the jelly roll music yeah that's the difference between in my business and your business because wait the way people connect with you in your life and your family and how i feel like i know leanne and i know island i know georgia and i know these characters around you and these people i know your spirit i know all this stuff it's the same way that goes for you go from selling 700 tickets 400 tickets you know three shows or whatever to selling out a 10 000 person [ __ ] app you're doing a shed tour you are a [ __ ] rock and roll star tom segura is doing in a raisin arena there's am i wrong to say there's more arena acts in comedy right now than there's ever been without a doubt without a doubt it's like we're in the era this you know they're all the golden era was in the whatever they were spot wrong this golden arrow of comedy the golden era of independent music is right now right now while the streaming services are letting the algorithms be somewhat authentic and let people find their own music eventually the labels will buy out the streaming services and start blocking out the independents again yeah it's inevitable but right now we are in the golden era of a kid being able to hit upload of a song on youtube and [ __ ] connect with people and go sell 7 000 tickets everywhere in america yeah you're i mean you're you're very accurate on that i mean it's it's uh it's it's i look i remember when i was young going like i'll never i'll never like the david spade adam sandler uh kevin nealon uh like that that that when they were all doing stand-up uh that michita mitch mitch uh hedberg david tell like that that time when i was a young comic when i would have maybe hosted for these guys i remember thinking those guys aren't going anywhere what what the [ __ ] man where is comedy going to go and then all of a sudden it went when it went independent and it was like yo we're not getting opportunities but we're still here that's happening again with the whole new york side of comedy right now all the guys in new york schultz and [ __ ] shane gillis mark norman ari that whole uh sal [ __ ] joe jerosa all these great great great comics are all getting an opportunity that they're they're making their own opportunity they're putting their special on on youtube oh yeah and and right i guarantee it then i guarantee the next thing that happens is all these youtube comics the comics that put out specials on youtube i guarantee you they get bought by netflix i can tell you this i was telling shobb last night that i'm taking notes from my comedian friends and how they approach the game and i'm spreading that gospel to my music friends when scholes did the california show he's done a thousand things i thought was genius and i'm blessed to call him a friend when shows did a california show and he rented that six for impala and that video clip of him pulling up in this bouncing hopping california car at this theater and the robe getting off the private jets and stuff and i was like he [ __ ] gets it it's like when i watch you cut a promo i've learned so much i sell more tickets than everybody in my genre because i watch the way you and tommy sold tickets right you and segura sell tickets and i'm like yo these dudes get it like they you know what it is you make people feel in advance like it's the night you're gonna give them right when i watch a bert promo i'm like if he's this excited about this red rock show i need to book a [ __ ] plane ticket and get there there's a there there is a i'll tell you man we i i never we hit a stride on fully loaded with with promos because the amount of tickets we moved in that second week was phenomenal i mean and that's even crazier to have a big second week well we we'd sold out the first week and the second week was not primarily comedy markets it was like you know mississippi isn't a big compliment oh the second week of the show i thought you missed the second week on sale no no no no second week of the shows so like mississippi bristol and and uh and greenville aren't private you took a very diverse lineup like you didn't go down there you didn't go to the deep south with ron white and foxworthy no no i took i took uh no i took i i just took the comics that i'd like to be around the most i mean selfishly they're they have it's a very it's a very it's like look i'm not saying i'm a great comic book but i'll just for the sake of arguments great chefs hang out with great chefs right they also like they don't hang out with shitty chefs because they don't respect what they do and the hardest i've ever laughed in my life was not just one night every single night we were there every single day we were there every single like we had a night on the tour bus where i don't often get to the place where i can't breathe laughing and we were laughing so hard at shane gillis watching apocalypto and shane gillis and mark norman had me had our whole bus crying crying laughing big j wilkerson one night we have a night of all [ __ ] in the in the party bus we pull up we're done we're going to bed we're going to bed and [ __ ] jay grabs me goes hey man can i talk to you about jurassic park this is right before we're going to bed this is outside the bus and i go sure and he does just a it was like like a high thought and it it i i had never laughed so hard in my life we're crying laughing and he's you know jay does like a laugh with himself every single night was something that made us and every single day just going in and sitting in oh we it was like the greatest and but but we got into a real stride with promos where i think every one of our promos got over a million views and it and then it just started and this you know started really building up steam and by the time we had gotten to uh the brandon amphitheater i mean i don't think i don't think we had had been slated to sell that place out and we were up against a sellout if if weather hadn't changed i think it would have been clean oh yeah and so and so but but those i'm really glad to have two months off where i don't have to think of promos but my brain's so [ __ ] i got up this morning i started writing uh my you know my columns of like things i need to focus on and and then started working on it and then leanne came out and i started writing jokes and and then i worked out and i'm like and then we rescued a baby bird and it's like it's been a [ __ ] morning i can't wait country rapper dude i'm telling you man i'm so happy to see you see your success thank you i'm really happy to see your success because like it like i said you're a guy i've known for so long because you've just been in the community it's in this community of just cool people right to see you pop like this when when shop hit me up and he was like hey man uh do you know who jelly roll is the first thing i wrote was are you [ __ ] kidding me yes and he's like hey can you hear your podcast i was like are you [ __ ] kidding me can i yeah i would love that i would [ __ ] love that and i'm telling you next one we do booze songs no for sure that'll be the best part booze weed songs i love that combo let me know i want to come down to austin i want to come down to austin yeah we'll do so we're tom and i are our schedules are kind of [ __ ] so i think we're going to do a few more guest bears this year than that than normal so if it works with you and tom i'll set up you and tom and if it works with me and tom me and you they'll set up me and you but whatever the scenario is we may do one where tom and i come in and then i may stay an extra day when tom leaves and do something the next day okay but uh let me know because i'm willing to hang will travel i just love you i love what you all do i've learned so much that bridgestone shows december 9th if you're not booked we'd love to have it on youtube i mean in ontario canada ah sad because we are going to do a uh i think i got a uh uncle uncle uncle uncle joey coming out i think that my go it's the arena show it's almost sold out uh full-blown arena first arena headline in my hometown and i'm giving a hundred percent of the bridgestone mm-hmm i didn't realize what you were saying bridgestone the bridgestone arena yesterday i didn't understand what you were saying until you said it again yeah that's [ __ ] huge it's big red rocks october 23rd almost sold out while i'm pitching my tickets um and we're gonna give 100 of the money away to the juvenile that i was in to build a program for music over there 100 of the merch and the ticket sales which you understand morning about i know what that money's gonna be yeah and i'm gonna and i'm gonna match it jesus christ and the day of the show we are gonna go and uh i'm gonna try to take a couple of comedian friends and music friends to the juvenile we're gonna talk tell jokes sing songs oh wow then we're going to come here coco said he come uncle joey said he'd come i'm going to double back with him and make sure because we were just chatting one day but he's like you you ever need me i'm there i was like this is the day he's like i'm there yeah you know he's a you know but i'm going to hit him back and double down like yo because i'm going to take care of everybody's flights yeah but uh i know uh porter said he's going to come out for sure i think porter cleared the date for me uh wolfe always comes josh wilson is a great guy he always comes out burn you know byrne lives in nashville i do i do theo cleared the date theo said he's coming i think schaub's going to come so just trying to put together something really cool with the homies i want to just kind of mix what i do what you did i find stuff that i'm passionate about put myself in the middle of it and then try to work it all together and i think what would be better than be going and singing songs for kids at a juvenile theo telling just a couple of quick jokes making these [ __ ] kids laugh and showing these kids that people that there's cool people that are successful because they don't see that in there right and they don't sometimes they don't see that that can be them yes exactly and i mean you know one of my favorite human beings in the world is a felon joey diaz yeah exactly love and death my daughters found out this weekend that he had kidnapped someone put him in their trunk [Laughter] and they were like uncle because they saw joey they all came all the girls came to lawrenceville and joe's in lawrenceville and we were just bullshitting and he said yeah something about voting or something he goes yeah i can't post dog i'm a [ __ ] fellow george felon he's like he's like yeah i got kidnapped some guy you know georgia one day you're just going to get cocaine next you know you got a gun in some guy's rib cage you put him in a trunk [Laughter] i love it thank you thank you for doing this brother anytime [ __ ] dress [Music] [Music] you

Channel: Bert Kreischer

Views: 671,378

Keywords: Bert Kreischer, BertKreischer, Bert Stand Up, The Machine, Bertcast, Podcast, comedy podcast, stand up comedy, bert kreischer netflix, bert kreischer stand up, comedy, bert cryshure, 2 bears 1 cave, bert Krisher, bert Kriesher, bert Crisher, bert Kriecher, bert Kriasher, im the machine, comedian, standup comedy, bert Krishur, bert Crishur, bert, burt, Jelly Roll

Id: k_p-6pZcJpw

Length: 152min 14sec (9134 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 01 2022