Discipline And Discovery | Dr. Mike Sytsma

[Music] okay dr. Mike so we just covered pornography and it's placed in our current culture now I'd love to get into some of the questions around healthy sexuality so do you care to just start us off by letting us know your vision for healthy sexuality yeah this is the area that I love to talk about most for much of history I think the church has really been about don't know the primary message is what we shouldn't do don't have sex before marriage don't have sex outside of marriage don't do these behaviors or practices and so much of the message has been one of shutting down and it's not that that's a bad message because there are things that scripture says aren't aren't okay to do but if that's all we focus on we miss the vision we miss the beauty of what God has crafted it to be so if we take a look at what healthy sexuality is first off healthy sexuality is good and don't miss what that means it means it's of God and so it's going to be reflective of who God is and in part sex is about the spirit of the act it's about the nature of us coming together and creating intimacy and oneness it's also about the body of the act because God is both spirit and crisis beard and body it's about the body of the act and the sensuality of it and we're designed to feel good in it or designed to enjoy just the sensual pleasure of it and I think it's important to teach both those aspects the pursuing the spirit of it and pursuing the body of it that it's sacred means that it's set aside for a very specific purpose and that purpose is to help to draw a husband and wife closely together it ties us it binds us it glues us together in ways that we're still learning in science how that happens and that's part of what's good in it real quick follow-up though you said it's good you know healthy sexuality is good for the marriage so could you tell me like what does healthy sexuality look for or look like for the premarital couple healthy sexuality within marriage takes great discipline and the before marriage is kind of the training ground for that how do we take the desires how do we take the urges that our God that are good within us and not give them license but not repress them both of those are unhealthy for us how do we learn to discipline them and if we don't learn that before the wedding it's much more difficult doable but more difficult to learn it with in marriage so it's helping couples to to talk to each other about what their boundaries are um how to not shut it down and squash it but not to give it license but learn to discipline their sexuality so that's great Mike so help me understand how do you encourage couples to practice discipline I mean every couple is asking or they want to know how far is too far what do you what do you tell them I think the first thing is to embrace the the desire desire is good the to want to connect that's god-given but we do have to discipline it we have to bring it in within certain boundaries but if the focus is on the yeses in the nose if the focus is on the law we tend to get off-track if we use food as an example desire for food is a good thing but if my diet is focused on what I can and can't eat I began to resent the list and I start to cheat on the list instead of staying focused on eating healthy instead of focused on what this is going to get me so we paint a healthy vision for the couple and then we teach them to discipline it which is not repressing their desire but not giving full license to the desire ok practically what does that look like that looks like each individual's sitting down and starting to figure out where those boundaries for me what allows me to continue to get to know you to continue to get to know me and where would those boundaries fit I tell couples I think the principle is our physical relationship has to follow our heart commitment so I'm not going to behave with you in a physical way that outpaces the commitment that I'm ready to make to you one book called so virgins by Doug Rosen oh and Michael Todd Wilson presents a bridge model that helps people to think through where is my commitment to you and is the physical touch following that and for example one of the principles that they give is any orgasmic focus kind of of touch really needs to be reserved for a covenant or relationship any arousal type of touch is reserved for a committed relationship and those kind of boundaries the home can help couples when I'm focused on making the the marital relationship really rich and good and protecting it that's awesome you know what else is awesome dr. Mike the fact that you can say orgasm or orgasmic without laughing or snickering experience in all seriousness I'm gonna keep peppering you especially with the premarital couples so we got a lot of couples you know looking for premarital advice many of which who are having sex mm-hmm how would you help us help them navigate this this discipline ethic like what would you say to that yeah because we don't want to shame somebody for what they're doing but help them to challenge them so it starts by just having a conversation what does this mean to you and are you okay with it and then I'll often look at them and say Oh have you ever disciplined your sexuality and many of the couples that come in have never said no to themselves sexually and my question is if you've never done that how do you know you're going to be able to practice discipline in marriage how do you know that the person you're committing to is going to be able to be disciplined sexually in marriage is there something we can do now that helps you to discipline it without repressing it and that's part of the challenge because sometimes when we when we invite couples to start to discipline their sexuality before marriage they just flip the switch off and it's they they squash the desire and they they go to not doing anything and that's really not healthy it's actually counterproductive for them as a relationship but engaging them in a in a conversation of how can we help to discipline your sexuality to appreciate the desire but to put it within certain boundaries so with that thought discipline is obviously helpful beneficial for the couple who's about to get married we got a lot of you know couples coming to us for premarital advice a lot of which are still living together and most of which are still having sex or having sex how would you help us help them navigate this idea of a discipline ethic for them right I think I think it starts by just exploring it with them more what does it mean what is the role that it plays in their life are they able to discipline themselves in their sexuality are there ever times that they just engage and heart-to-heart conversation are there times that they just enjoy each other physically can they draw some boundaries and and practice being together without it having to be about having an orgasm without it having to be about the the rush of being together because much of their marriage life is going to be just being together so I think it's just exploring it with them and helping to find some meaning not repressing it not shutting it down not giving it full license but helping them to figure out where that middle line would be for their relationship okay that's that's great so what I hear you say is discipline is super important for the couple who's about to get married correct but but what about the couple who was already married like what else do they need to know you know with with this concept of discipline well discipline is important in all areas of marriage we have to learn how to discipline our finances we have to learn how to discipline ourselves in our parenting we have to learn how to discipline ourselves in the roles that we do who does what around the house and I discipline myself to do things that I may not want to do because it still needs to be done a lot of ways we bring in discipline and that's especially true in our sexuality because I may need to discipline myself to make it about the spirit of the act I may need to discipline myself to woo my wife from the morning and not just expect her to be ready because I'm ready and that takes discipline for many guys it may be that I have to think ahead and discipline myself too to figure out what does she like and discipline myself to lean in and understand her and pursue her heart it may be that the lower desire individual needs to discipline themselves to to prep themselves to be ready or to be more open to be more receptive there's a lot of ways that we discipline ourselves something else is not able to distract me I'm only focused on my wife that pornography or or the guy who you know really did care for me in the office today or the woman who walked by I keep my mind focused only on my spouse or the only place that I received that fulfillment that takes discipline within marriage and we have to continually practice it and develop it okay so basically once I get discipline down like I'm good I'm a rock star marriage you know I'm gonna have a vibrant sex life you know from here until you know we grow old together that's that's it right so yeah discipline is obviously a critical part of it but that's not all of it the other part that really we develop more after is that of discovery so we learn discipline predominantly before the wedding and we continue to practice that afterwards we do some discovery before but after the wedding is where we get to really lean in and discover and we learn to discover what it is about ourselves what awakens us what allows us to connect powerfully and deeply to our spouse and what is it about them you know how how do i seduce how do i entice how do I draw them to me what makes my wife tick what makes my husband get really excited what what allows us to continually awaken for each other and as the marriage goes on that doesn't end as we continue to shift and as we continue to grow we we still lean and we lean in and we discover more about each other and about how to make it rich and not just routine that discovery process is what's cool and is given to us an awakened after the wedding okay so dr. Mike help me with this so you mentioned it's got read so what do you say to like the couple who they're in that discovery mode and they figure out well what if we like different things but most couples will that is part of the beauty of in fact the number one thing that we find is most couples learn or all couples learned that they have differing levels of desire differing levels of Drive so what we point out is that is just normal 51 percent of the couples that we talk to say that their desired discrepancy the the number of times that they want to engage sexually is different enough that they've considered talking to a professional about it so it's causing a lot of distress in them but that's common and so we invite couples to lean in and and discover each other to explore that arena for them so we tell them you know it's normal for it to be different that sexual desire is extremely complex our society is all about finding a pill or finding a cream or finding something that can make your desire the way I want it to be or that I can make my desire to be what I think it should be and we're learning it just doesn't work it's way too complex our desire comes from the connection that we have as a couple that comes from what's going on in my body it comes from a host of different things so understanding that complexity means we're always seeking to discover what helps to awaken it what helps to make it work so another thing is that it's really varied from from individual to individual from spouse to spouse that eighty percent of the time the husband tends to be the higher drive kind of an individual but that means that one in five couples she tends to be the higher drive she's thinking about it more often and encouraging the couple just to discover how are they as a couple and then why does he why is he looking for it more often and why is she not because the stories we often create to explain our spells aren't all that helpful many times we find that typically for men they've been thinking about it several times during the day and so they dairy tend to be more the initiator of it so for most men sex tends to the sexual desire happens before they even engage in the act we find that for most women it doesn't work that way she might not have thought about it for three days or if she thought about it's well we probably should and I tell them that's legitimate desire that I want to be that kind of a person and then they tend to be more receptive to it so he comes in and says you know can we be together I'd love to spend some time with you and she chooses to engage in it she is not hungry for it at this point but once they begin to get engaged what we found is as normal is that her desire wakens up once they've started to get engaged and so we talk about the difference between an initiating desire and a receptive desire that one spouse tends to be the initiator of the process the other one isn't hungry for it and toad they're about five to 10 minutes into it and the let them know that's normal how can we lean in and discover oh this is how you work how do we put some discipline and some balance to it so I don't feel like I'm always you know being pressured into something and and allowing them to discover that piece of it it is an important part of the the discussion on desire hmmm so rich thank you for that so I'm sitting here thinking doctor my hypothetical okay let's say there was a guy alright who was currently interviewing a certified sex there okay just completely just totally let's say that guy was curious to know what he could go home and do tonight to discover something new about his wife mm-hmm and I'm just gonna write some random things just some for this guy for most couples that come to see me they have not had a conversation about it they haven't really started to discover each other and communication they've tried some things but they've not really talked about it so the goal and I think the the best tactic is to start talking about it the problem is that's really scary for most couples how do I engage in this conversation in a way that draws you out so my favorite exercise for people is to get a good book on healthy sexuality something that is focused on here's the goal to sit down in bed and start reading it out loud to each other so he opens it up and he just starts reading and I tell them the goal is not to get to the end of the book the goal is to read a couple of paragraphs and then stop and go what do you think this author is saying this about sex I don't think that works for me does it work for you and the book gives us some language to start to use it gives us a topic to start to talk about and then be open to each other's influence be curious about each other really you work that way you think that way and rather than telling them how to be and how to think and how to behaves actually truly be curious in discovering really you're like that you think that wow that's cool that's fascinating so how can I help with it and that kind of discussion will really help to open up the couple and allow them to draw closer and and be more and more successful in this arena yeah well that's gonna help me you know when I go home tonight you know and hang out with my wife but on the on the flip side of that obviously that's me trying to discover more about her what is something maybe she as my wife as my bride could discover about me how can we get into that conversation the same thing though as you guys begin to engage back and forth with each other so you know I had a couple that were doing this exercise and they're reading a book and in the book it was describing something about women and the husband's reading it and he pauses anyway oh this is crazy this authors too totally got it wrong nobody is like this right and he looked at his wife and his wife's looking at him and says what do you mean nobody's like that it perfectly describes me what are you like and her leaning back in and saying okay what does that mean for you that you're not like this so it's that mutual discovery of each other that invites them into talking I love that well dr. Mike we are so grateful that you have given us your time and your expertise to help us navigate these conversations of pornography and culture but but also healthy sexuality and discipline and discovery and we are better because of you and so on behalf of the mentors and the leaders in the room thank you well thank you but it's truly an honor to do this the church has some really great people who serve as mentors who serve as leaders they pour into the lives of people this is what it's about it's about people going before and inviting people into the conversations and they do so well with it they come into my office have already been poured into and makes my job that much easier so to be able to give back I really honor what they do so it's it's an honor to to speak to them and to help well thank you Sarah thanks so appreciate it you

Channel: North Point Care

Views: 1,217

Rating: 4 out of 5

Keywords: care network, north point community church, woodstock church, buckhead church, Gwinnett church, decatur city church, brownsbridge church, help, struggling, challenges, pain, relationships, transition, change, ministry resources, resources, training, counseling, sex, premarital sex

Id: Eu5qkdFrl5o

Length: 18min 30sec (1110 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 11 2018