Are You Garbage Comedy Podcast: Roy Wood Jr.!

game we got a low ticket Alert in Cleveland and Columbus so if you want to catch the show you better make a move baby yeah gang there's a handful of tickets left at each show and then obviously the second show added at the Vogel theater in Red Bank New Jersey August 11th that's more than halfway sold out get those tickets let's sell it out gang we'll see you out there peace peace welcome to another exciting edition of are you garbage show where you find out if your favorite comedians are classy individuals or absolute trash now here are your hosts Kevin Ryan and H Foley hey everybody out there and welcome back to everybody's new favorite podcast this is are you garbage oh yeah it's a little show we sit there with your favorite comedians and we find it at the group to be classy or if they're just a big old piece of trash I'm your host Dave trolley coming at you on a beautiful day we're out back here at hoodies in the new edition she's up on the roof with a new set of binoculars okay trying to get a look at that new widower that moved into the house next door taking a little peek at him great okay my co-host is coming at you from right next to me he is the CEO of Ru garbage he's an international businessman and he's my best pal in the whole wide world and I love him give it up for KJ Kevin James Ryan what's swinging a Miss on the teddy joke what's up everybody thanks for tuning in as always please make sure you rate you subscribe on iTunes full video available on YouTube as you know those numbers are cooking then obviously the greatest website of all time www.patreon.com gang check it out it's a party over there yes it is and having a nice quick shout out to our producer extraordinaire the magic man makes us all look good works the ones the twos the threes and the fours give it up for T-Bone mcsprax it's Toby McMullen everybody hey buddy what up dudes a beautiful day out here we got a legend in the Edition ain't lying a pro baby gang a long hair ain't line we couldn't be more excited to have our incredibly and I mean incredibly special guest here with us today for the first time he's a very funny very successful stand-up comedian actor and television personality and you may have seen him in but not limited to here we go we got Sullivan and Son we got the detour Better Call Saul the last OG space force the opening act only murders in the building hell of a week with Charlemagne the God the 2022 sleeper hit confessed Fletch with Jon Hamm we got American Dad Star Search premium blend The Late Show with David Letterman death Comedy Jam Last Comic Standing Conan last call this week at the Comedy Cellar this is not happening The Tonight Show The View Wendy Williams Colbert Seth Meyers Kelly Clarkson Colbert WTF The Joe Rogan Experience he has multiple stand-up specials including 2017's Father Figure 2019's no one loves you 2021's imperfect messenger and he just hosted the 2023 correspondence dinner he is on tour right now and for the last several years he has been your favorite correspondent on The Daily Show but the big question about his mind today is he garbage I'll tell you this the guy wears a suit like nobody's business for Roy Wood Jr everybody [Applause] what is the budget for me for Red Bull and cocaine on this program it's true to roof I'll tell you that much you [ __ ] didn't take a breath I'm Amazed no stumbles no fumbles just straight professionalism into that microphone the show's brought to you by the cineola cartel yeah shout out to the boys down here happy to be here [ __ ] thank you for having me oh man we've been looking forward to this man this is good this is good happy to have you you know it's gonna be a good podcast when there's a beer cooler it's decoration that works for Dustin decorations and they're ice cold baby you want a pop we'll give you a pop Roy he's got decoration beer I gotta take a picture [Laughter] um before we get into your backstory I just had a question for you just hosted the correspondent dinner yeah uh what was the grub like what was the food like it was it was okay but you gotta even remember I'm I have to perform sure and they bring you it's the work you know what sucks about the correspondence dinner is that it's the only comedy show where you're just sitting on display for the audience that sucks for two hours there's there's 30 minutes and then there's like an hour of food and then there's the actual proper programs that people see on television what you see on TV we're already 90 minutes into the [ __ ] yeah you should be in a green room yeah you should be somewhere sit there on display like meatballs [ __ ] medieval days yeah you [ __ ] joke boy yeah sit there and make small talk with the Madam first lady y'all ain't got [ __ ] in common oh YouTuber eats what's going on trying to find Common Ground yeah it's it's literally you guys watching beef huh what's the deal imagine small talk with a person whose life you couldn't imagine yeah and I'm sure she had the same thought on her side what the [ __ ] am I gonna talk to this black dude from Alabama about for two [ __ ] hours you don't take a helicopter to the grocery store yeah no but so that part of his is weird right it's just just people looking at you and going I hear about like you're a fighter pop oh you're gonna get him yeah literally like you that's really what it is it's like you're taxiing out for war like Tom Cruise when he gets the ghost signed to the dude on the carrier Deck with a prime rib and a crab cake in front of you for the Catapult launches you off to the podium they're waiting like poor bastard ain't coming back yeah so it's it's uh it's it's it's it's a psychotic thing but I'm sure I would do it again yeah really I would do it again I was juggling Dynamite it's sure yeah yeah like what you really think is a stand-up community median how many performances as a stand-up still truly matter or still get some level of eyeballs on a regular basis and that's one of them sure on the level of like say what a Tonight Show credit for sure pre-leno I'm talking Carson you'd rip on Leno even Leno and Letterman you'd rip in the 90s and [ __ ] would be off to the side of the stage and go here's your career congratulations yeah where this still has that level of gravity yeah that's why I give you got to give props to Chris Rock for doing a live live special yeah sure I went back and dug in the crates and was just looking at some of the people who did it before and nobody really remembers this and it's not talked about but [ __ ] Sinbad he did it Sinbad hang on I'm gonna blow your [ __ ] wide open Sinbad did a live Prime Time comedy special squeaky clean with commercial breaks what damn now a few words from our sponsors can't get to try them oh the [ __ ] that's nuts do you time your jokes right to the commercial break yeah cause you got to have someone someone's got to be like five four three and you're performing during the commercial break [ __ ] and will become back from commercial you've got to merge perfectly back with the TV audience at home damn so you essentially have on air and off air material that has to be timed perfectly for what that's nuts that's juggling Dynamite yeah yeah he hosted my Gotham Comedy live in like 2009 or whatever and that [ __ ] killed him he was dude he was hosting he was doing door he was doing [ __ ] during the commercial breaks that was one of the greatest he is on my Mount Rushmore I don't even know we got this place but that dude is just [ __ ] yeah there's the famous story about him I don't know where it was it was Montreal or something like that everybody bombed and he had went and got a pair of socks that day and didn't really have anything prepared and went out there and just murdered about buying socks I think that's a norm McDonald's or they were talking about it in the Green Room it was Norm was like 19 and they were talking about socks and then he goes down I was like hey just went out and [ __ ] talked about socks and like murdered I got like a television deal and everything I thought you're going to tell the snow plow story he's doing a show at a casino during the snowstorm does an hour as he's getting ready to rap like going into his last bit a single couple walks in and shuffles into their seat and he goes where the [ __ ] have you all been and they go we were stuck behind a snow plow on the you know on the Hills we just couldn't go around a snowplow so we're just now getting here he goes all right cool does his closer then tells the audience that's it for you all you're welcome to leave if you want but I'm gonna do another hour for these two people man that's Pro [ __ ] man and he did another goddamn different hour yeah a whole different [ __ ] hour of course no one left uh-huh he does another power as a treat to two people who were stuck behind a snow plow man that's how you become who the [ __ ] you know with an extra hour in their back pocket I don't have an extra 10 minutes what are we talking about here bro so you know you have to do things and stand up that I think still halfway keep the craft relevant sure yeah that does for sure yeah that's one of those things where it's like even if you don't watch it live like I didn't want to live but I go watch everybody finds out about the comics yeah set yeah yeah yeah so it's still it still is still relevant so you know yeah I'd do it again and even if I bomb I can still say a little kid I got him the first time [Laughter] I saw you right before you did it you were running spots you were running running in the West Village you remember it was like a couple weeks ago when I saw you you had your your notes in your hand and you were walking down I was like hey what's going on I was trying to get this stuff ready to go yeah I yeah we had a couple writers and they're like oh we're coming no I know whether or not it's gonna work I'll send you audio of what sucks that was the part that was frustrating it's like the news kept changing sure so for all this preparation you're doing oh yeah sorry about that the Don Lemon just got fired so yeah scratch that page so drop the Spy balloon joke to make your own for Don Lemon okay cool oh yeah Tucker Carlson got fired so though the the Mike Pence and the Nikki Haley stuff yeah don't do oh keep it fresh sorry the fox Dominion lawsuit just yeah got settled that was a wacky couple of weeks everything was dropping oh man so you know most of what half of that set was I mean we cooked fresh that week damn because the news broke that week yeah I felt like an easy choice I feel like an idiot after I saw you because you were like I'm just trying to get these jokes ready and you were like very focused and I was like oh you're gonna do great don't worry you got Moxie kid but you're going down the car I was like what the [ __ ] is wrong with it so to answer your question I couldn't taste the food because I was so [ __ ] nervous but it looked good like I ate the salad the salad part I must have something so I don't collapse but it looked good oh man it's funny um give us the back story on Roy Wood Jr where'd you grow up give us give us a scoop there's not much to say bro I grew up in Alabama okay well we moved there when I was in the third grade we moved there from Memphis okay and so just I was I was like a basic like I wasn't a Class Clown okay like a regular kid yeah I was a regular kid I didn't really start wild until College like I played baseball and well I rode the bench in high school high school um what's your mom and dad do uh my pops is a was a journalist uh radio journalist but okay I covered like black issues or whatever but like black conflict I should say so he was embedded in pretty much any black conflict you can name from the 50s to Ellie riots damn so wait till South African rides the Rhodesian Zimbabwe Civil War he was like in the [ __ ] oh getting shot at all that the whole [ __ ] Vietnam with you know predominantly black platoons he would go over he was he was like volunteer no [ __ ] send me where black people are dealing with [ __ ] no [ __ ] and I will take a tape recorder damn you want a gun nope for real give me a tape recorder and we'll go follow those stories come home cover the Civil Rights Movement you know pretty much that was that was his thing you know my dad was you know real big on black righteousness my mom you know she marched you know a lot but you know she settled on you know higher education she's been in higher education almost 40 years now okay like that's her Lane like her Lane is just educating and bettering people my pops died when I was 16. so I started working a lot more and that's kind of where like you start getting that hustle mentality because you don't want to be a burden on your parents like your mom like my my pops dies we lose half the income in the house sure so my mom is struggling just to keep the house while I get ready to graduate from high school so I'm working every side job you can name um what was that like landscaping or like groceries yeah what was the first job first the first with the pay stub was Baskin Robbins shout out to it 31 Flavors Western Hills Mall Baskin Robbins in the mall dude I had a mall job at 15 and the girls who used to work at simply six or three five seven I would give them extra ice cream of course that was my way of flirting yeah but I wouldn't give it on the top because my manager was looking so I would like pack the inside of the cone it's a three pound cone yeah the most dense ice cream was for you baby two hands baby a couple 20 stuffed in a sugar cone bro I I just I just worked I worked I I raked leaves I'd flip my Nintendo tapes I would sell that [ __ ] I would sweep I would sweep parking lots at um at gas stations in the hood because the guys that worked in the Hood the guys who worked at the gas station in the hood they have to go out and sweep the parking lot like once or twice a week or whatever and they hated doing it because you're constantly going in and back and forth customers so I go to the guy one day and this is I wasn't I got sent to summer school in the ninth grade for algebra and the seat I had in the classroom I could just [ __ ] see the gas station and I just [ __ ] watched this guy every [ __ ] day just going back and forth and just every day and he would come out around like one o'clock and so one day I go to him I go hey man I know you can't pay me but just give me ten dollars worth of candy write it off as shoplifting Jesus and I'll sweep this [ __ ] for you every day and so he goes you got a deal so after summer school I will go over there I will sweep the parking lot who's doing [ __ ] write-off schemes that [ __ ] night I just fell in algebra but you're [ __ ] yeah how'd you do an algebra that summer well I'd walk in it's like uh you remember that scene in Casino where they're showing the guy going to count room and he just walks out with money yeah yeah he's skimming the skin and they're skimming the skin and nobody sees anything all right boys all these kids are in line to pay for their candy and [ __ ] and I'm just walking out with a [ __ ] 48 counselor bars we had Skittles the whole nine yards nobody said nothing and then it was Jimmy two times I'm going to get The Laffy Taffy Let's Get The Laffy taffies ah shout out to a laffy taffy so I take ten dollars worth of candy flipper to school for 20. damn what the [ __ ] so now that's 20 raw profit in my pocket for a job he's talking right off shortage raw profit yeah Eddie's in summer school no overhead other than other than the 30 minutes it takes to sweep sure to sweep the [ __ ] out pay off a couple of cops and keep it moving detective Jenkins plays ball yeah so that was that was that was that was my childhood man was just figuring out ways to make a little bit of money I was we grew up it was a bad neighborhood apartment house what were you guys in we're in a house we're in a house on the west side of Birmingham neighborhood called West End and so we're at South Park Road essentially Pearson Avenue this would have been late 80s early 90s Birmingham 84. so this is the rise of crack the beginning of white flight I had one white neighbor there was at the time there was still a white biker gang they were like the last holdouts of in the neighborhood yeah and they would God bless them because they they tried to hold down that was their Alamo literally yeah yeah literally and they just like they would ride their bikes through the hood and [ __ ] and then like this is the rise uh you know late 80s is the rise of speakers subwoofers sure so dudes is coming down the block and they will pull up next to the like the gas station was next to the biker Club clubhouse or whatever so it's just a battle of just Rob Base cranking legit rock bass at that point we was it was Miami base it was a lot of Luke there was a lot of two Live Crew that made it with Uncle Luke Birmingham so we grew up in a pretty there was there was there was a lot of [ __ ] going on in the neighborhood okay my mom did a good job you know she kept me busy a lot of after school a lot of a lot of boys club a lot of going to the library like any time I was in the hood I was always on the way somewhere and so then the thing that really turned attack she bought me a basketball goal when I was in Middle School for the house yeah because I would go up to powderly Park and shoot and I never had problems I saw problems but I never had problems like people never really bothered me per se but my mom goes now if I could I want you close to the house so she buys a gold Plexiglas backboard nice adjustable oh no no no that would have been yeah now that would have been crazy that was the height of technology in the 90s forget it get the broomstick or whatever so because we had the only we only we had the only house with a driveway that was in the shade during the day so you can play shaded basketball and we also learned a few houses in the neighborhood the way it was configurated with a two-car garage you could play almost half court if you play off into the grass so gotcha so half court in the shade in the middle of the day in the summer popular spot I would imagine crib became powderly part yeah and so because of who my father was and my father was a known name on the radio I had a brother at the time who was a who was a prime time anchor for the NBC affiliate geez no kidding our family name within the city of Birmingham at least in the black community sure pretty solid so it's a lot of people who I know I know you I know you run and do a lot of dangerous [ __ ] but when they were at our house there's some respect rules yeah that's pretty cool and they respected my mom because my mom taught half of them I taught the older brothers sure so there was a bad element it's a bad neighborhood but that house there was never anything a little bit Sanctuary to a house never got broken into no graffiti no [ __ ] no drama like not a [ __ ] thing so that when I got to high school and I started going to summer school because I didn't go to my zone high school so when you go to summer school in those days in Birmingham you go to your Zone school for summer school which means I was around a bunch of kids in theory that I shouldn't know okay but I know all of y'all because all y'all come to the house playing basketball yeah so it gave me the freedom to move through a bad neighborhood with a degree of Diplomatic Security that's pretty good because if you [ __ ] with me you can't come shoot yeah so that's kind of all right man that's a cool story so that that's just you know you can call it luck you can glad whoever the [ __ ] planted them trees did back in the 30s let's talk about base baby if you're anything like me when you travel you want to be prepared as possible for any situation that's the Kippy rule baby base luggage is here to help you bring as many changes 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instantly approved that's ladder life l-a-d-d-e-r-life.com garbage latterlife.com garbage do it gang check it out take care of it don't screw over your family set them up real nice but yeah but that was it man I [ __ ] went to college I started doing stand-up in college I stole some credit cards in college now we're talking hold on a second [Laughter] it wasn't a scam it was simple let's say it was 92 for legal purposes what do you mean this [ __ ] can be Googled I don't know if you need to be Google you have to go down to the courthouse and like request or Freedom of Information the Patriot Act on Roy wood yeah so I was a mail soldier in the post office and back in those days credit cards came out there was no calling and credit cards yeah there was like this idea of calling a number and hello it's me turn my credit card on please [Applause] every credit card in Alabama keeps getting stolen the Roy Wood Junior law so so I take some cards we go down to a department store we buy some [ __ ] the girl knew it the girl knew what was that sure so she under charges us in order to leave more space on the card so we can buy more [ __ ] damn to which after effect I'm going well why the [ __ ] did you do that when I could have just started didn't need you to be courteous and leave more space on the car and that's how we got caught because you can't buy Tommy Hill figure for eight dollars sure ah so if you're working like let's say let's say you're working and this is right at the turn of the technology and department store loss prevention where your manager security could be watching your register and get a same time image of what you're ringing up to make sure you're not [ __ ] around and skipping yeah I worked at Macy's I know okay so you know so they're making sure that you're not skip scanning but in the process of checking her for skip scanning they're going why the [ __ ] did she just charge him eight dollars for a Tommy girl yeah yeah that's not the right price yeah [ __ ] so that's what happened so I get probation well at the time I thought I was going I was told I was going to prison so I'm like well my lawyer said I'm going to prison I always wanted to do comedy like that Sinbad fella I saw in Primetime [ __ ] it here's a chance to try it before my life completely implodes started doing comedy got probation been doing comedy ever since there you go kid's a worker graduated got my degree in journalism Dean's List the rest of the way really my mom and I it's wild because you know going back to the correspondence dinner thing like you know you got two parents that's on that fought for every possible chance for you to be successful as a black person and blah blah blah blah and then you get ground up in the system so when I get probation I get back in school my mom's like good and I graduate and I'm going yeah I think I need to go and uh do some stand-up comedy yeah of course he was thrilled I'm not gonna be doing no internships or any of this extracurricular journalism [ __ ] um to be honest I'm gonna just graduate because I think it's part of my probation turn the good grades is one of my terms so I got you the Tommy Hilfiger for Christmas Mom yeah what's the problem yeah put on your Tommy jacket shut the [ __ ] up so so my mom and I those are awesome by the way yeah yeah we don't we don't talk we talk literally once a month for a year and it's a five minute conversation to ensure that the other person is alive Okay so she's not with comedy I need to hold it no no no they're good so I start riding the bus to do open mics and [ __ ] because I'm in Tallahassee I'm in Florida a m and so in in the south in the 90s Open Mic was not a weekly thing in most markets Atlanta had a weekly open mic Tampa Bay had an open mic shout out to coconuts and St Pete Beach yeah it's still there yeah still standing so I could go there weekly but if you wanted to do more you had to bounce around and so I would go whatever I could I would Google comedy clubs yeah and so I would go to Birmingham once a month to do open mic and that was Where I Stood that was the first Club I did was Birmingham and so just on a whim like eight nine months into the [ __ ] I go to Birmingham to do the open mic I'm sleeping at the bus station because I don't want my mom to know Jesus what the [ __ ] I'm doing so I would get to the bus station go out to Hoover do the show go back to the bus station and sleep until the bus one of my mom's [ __ ] students saw me goes back to the campus and snitches on me so that's how my mom found out what was going on she's Furious and I'm like I'm not gonna stop I don't know what the [ __ ] to tell you but my grades are solid and the deal we made was give the grades good if my grades are good you can't say [ __ ] about anything else I do in life and you made that deal and you agreed to that and I'm upholding my end of the bar and I wouldn't [ __ ] my mom a concession Dean's List week later dropped out of college 2000 2001 Ford Focus for Christmas as a gift so I can stop sleeping in the bus station she still did not agree with it she never talked down great lady she never talked down on what I did but she definitely always wanted me to be safe she would put my safety above and everything good mother I had to catch the payments but she made the down payment because she knew and what the car did the car opened up the whole [ __ ] Eastern seed sure so I can still get back to class no bus schedule no this no that I put my classes Tuesday through Tuesday through Thursday Thursday night I'm [ __ ] gone bro I'm going for five days just sleeping on couches sleeping in the car now but at but like Flying J truck stops and all that so it's wild to go from that moment to the correspondence of course and I'm able to give my mom a shout out because she's in the [ __ ] audience oh damn wow which is just a you know I don't know it's amazing yeah for the course it's [ __ ] crazy dude you know how many people don't make it that sleep at bus stops every other person but you every single guy who's ever slept in a bus there's like three that made it I like how she slipped the payments on you yeah here's a liability for the next three years but that crime [ __ ] is weird man because it was wild as that and I don't know if it's like this in every city but like in Tallahassee Tallahassee is the type of City at least it was at that time where it doesn't matter what dirt you do you meet everyone that's doing dirt sure because if I'm if I'm if I'm taking credit cards out of the post office and I'm [ __ ] buying jeans and clothes then I start taking this [ __ ] and selling it well now you're selling stolen goods to people who yeah yeah you're not selling Goods stolen goods to people like your mom you're selling Goods people that are in the in the market for stolen Gym Boys yeah so when you get arrested the the first thing the police try to do is pin every [ __ ] crime that's ever been committed in the [ __ ] City since the history of crime on you or prove your connection to others to other people and so before the end until before they even like took me in the process and they got they got me an interrogation and they're like all right we got you on the jeans but do you know of these other crimes and then like telling me this like check chiting and [ __ ] cocaine and [ __ ] this apparently there's like a sex house in Tallahassee and they're just showing me picture after picture after picture of people and I [ __ ] know every single time it was a murder last week and the guy was wearing CK one what do you know about it literally literally [ __ ] like that and they're going do you know anything we have an investigation about this do you know this guy and I'm like trying to keep my eyebrows still because in my head I'm like that [ __ ] I thought he just was the weed man it's like just stay still eyebrow stay still so that's when you realize but when you walk back through the scenarios right and it's like [ __ ] I was at that motherfucker's house last week yeah it's crazy if they pull a kick though and I'm in the house you're wrapped up with it and then it's group possession just if you're in the room with dope it's your dope especially in Florida yeah yeah I come in a room with you and there's a gun like it's like stuff that I knew you were kind of a Shifty person because I'm being Shifty but you're seven like keep in mind all this is 18 I'm 19 years old you're not doing character value judgments on people yeah you're rooted you're rooted in good morals and you're like I assume these people are they're I'm here to silly jeans yeah I am not robbing people no one's going to therapy over this because of a credit card that you but that's my thought process like it's a victimless crime like like there isn't a direct trauma being in like that's my brain but I'm dealing with people that were like really [ __ ] deep off in off the reservation yeah wild [ __ ] bro and I'm like oh I really got lucky yeah not for sure so you know I live a life that could have gone the other way very easily right down to the judge who decided to give me probation who wasn't even the regular [ __ ] judge that does the sentencing damn could have got the regular [ __ ] been done so you know I look at my life Michael the old school year in trouble bro my whole life is just a [ __ ] straight up second chance so all I say is trying to be decent in my [ __ ] and try and Elevate people I had the probation show for Comedy Central where I essentially played my probation officer you know did the pilot didn't go or whatever but like that was a show that was based on what the system would look like if it was built with people who actually give a [ __ ] about the because there's way more people on papers than in prison yeah we talk about all this prison reform [ __ ] half the people that's caught up in the revolving door is because they're on probation or parole or from something you got a [ __ ] ass po or you had a [ __ ] ass lawyer or a [ __ ] ass judge you just had one person in your process that didn't give a [ __ ] about you and you're in jail or you go back to jail so like I know my life could have been that so you know with what I've been given I try to be decent try to help [ __ ] fantastic try to get good wholesome I try not to be garbage we'll we'll get there uh-huh okay speaking of which yeah um but did you guys do any vacations when you were a kid where would you go it was a family vacay like not many I'm the ninth of 11 kids holy [ __ ] how did we miss that I'm my mom's only so there's that okay pop said to [ __ ] make his Nick Cannon round when he wasn't at War yeah embedded and telling the black people yeah three Vietnamese brothers and sisters we gotta fix the silver rice hey baby come meet me after the protest what you doing after the protest young lady come on um were you were you close with all of them the closest in age the rest of them we're cool but it's just everybody's all doing their thing when you're 10 years old with a 30 year old brother what the [ __ ] yeah that's what my family is yeah we're great now because we're men and we're grown but at that age it wasn't the same but the few road trips I do remember most of them were when I still lived in Memphis and my my mom and I were commuting to Birmingham because my dad had taken a job in Birmingham but didn't want us to move with him yet until you know make sure it's stable yeah and then we would take road trips up to Chicago where my father is from and we would listen to eight tracks my dad had a CB radio nice nice and like that was my first like prank calls talking [ __ ] to the trucker turkey boy that was the best as a kid man yeah yeah and them truck is they get mad yeah we did it we did it once on the Jersey Turnpike and the guy was like I see you in the red Subaru and we're gonna kick the [ __ ] out freaking out man no CB radios were all right yeah that was like OG social media man like that was that I remember that the most is just being in the car what kind of car were they whipping around in my pops had a Lincoln Mark Seven okay he was he collected Lincoln's well not collected but like he'd flip him every two years Lincoln or he go Mark eight he go Continental um we got the old box uh Lincoln Town Car with the corners yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah the ones that were delivery cabs for a while yeah here in New York yeah yeah every once in a while you get to call an Uber if you're in the boroughs you get one of them and that back seat is about 15 feet long you're in there just chilling in the back of that thing a little faint smell of smoke in there yeah but we would you know we would go on road trips here and there but nothing major nothing nothing major like my dad did me in a way that it's kind of similar and this is what I'm trying to avoid with my son like my dad when he would get speaking engaged so you know when he kind of retired from like War reporting and all of that and was just doing news commentary on the radio he gave up for speaking engagement and [ __ ] like that no different than say like a Tavis Smiley or I don't want to say Al Sharpton but the same gigs they work the same circuit he's got Sharpton and career Arc but so if my dad got booked somewhere fun he would take me with him that's cool and then pass me off to some younger journalist or person or whoever's there like he got we took a private flight damn Epcot my props got flown private to Epcot to Disney and it was just some woman I to this day I can't remember her name but just some lady her job all day which is watch you take my boy to the rides [ __ ] and like that's what we did I remember 93 um I I rode I flew with my father to Houston for the National Association of black journalists he was getting a Lifetime Achievement Award there you go and I just remember some random person just take my boy across the street to the Astrodome so you can see this and see some [ __ ] and I just went and did a tour of the astronaut that's awesome and I don't even think it was some official tour I just think it's about pops knowing people yeah in the city let them walk around type thing yo my dad helped and hired so many journalists that are still indebted to him that he literally could just pull up in town [ __ ] a babysitter hey you didn't I give you a job in 70. watch my boy bro when I used to come to Birmingham in the summer now this is the most ridiculous [ __ ] the school year in Memphis ended three weeks before the school year ended in Birmingham but when the school year in Memphis ended like for two years my mom would send me to Birmingham to be with my father okay and so that's where I would go for a month and then I would go back over to Mississippi to be with her family for the most part I traveled in the summer I never I didn't I don't remember spending many summers in Memphis gotcha so my mom would send me to Birmingham with my pops and it's just me and him but he didn't trust I was a latchkey kid in Memphis but my pops didn't trust to leave me at the house alone because of the neighborhood you got to come with me to work so I would get up and I'm in the first grade and I would get up at five o'clock in the [ __ ] morning with my Dad I'm in the first grade and I'm up at 5 00 a.m and we would go to Hardee's we would get a biscuit like I remember that like food and travel and like the memories parties was all right the car is where I spent the most time with my dad and so we would go to the radio station and he would do Morning News and I would sit on the floor and just watch him read copy for you know two hours 7 30 hits this woman Francine Palmer rest in peace she would come and pick me up and he goes you're gonna be with Francine today I go okay then Francine decided well I don't want to watch him all day why don't I just drop him off at a school I don't think he can do that she talked to my dad and my dad was like that's a good idea he can learn some [ __ ] you can't do that oh man you got double dipped in school second my mind I'm coming out of first grade or something yes literally I would just get he's at the high school he just would take you they would take me to Kingston Elementary School on the North side the [ __ ] and just dropped me off in a teacher's and I would just be in that class for the last three weeks so the first three weeks of visiting my dad I'm just in [ __ ] school all day again and a different dude imagine starting a new school three with three weeks left in school nobody wants to [ __ ] play with in the morning everybody thought you were a cop oh every every [ __ ] summer for like it was two summer straight I got sent to [ __ ] school for daycare talking that's crazy now learn some [ __ ] though Francine don't like kids watch this [ __ ] all day uh speaking of cars what are you whipping around in now I do I sold my car when I moved to New York in 2015 I had a Kia Sorento I've only had two cars as an adult the focus being one of them I had to focus that my mom bought I wrote that for 300 000 miles Jesus and then the Kia when I turned it in 300 000 on a Ford that's all right in four years four years you put 300 000 miles on it I told you when she bought me that car it opened up the whole [ __ ] country bro I drive as far as Sioux Falls holy [ __ ] he dropped down to Miami I took it as far west as El Paso I [ __ ] yo I [ __ ] rode that car that car if I could go back and buy it today I would just [ __ ] if I had a place just to [ __ ] have it yeah that's a long drive after you bombed dude yeah yeah okay yeah driving back from El Paso man [ __ ] coconuts yeah you just got nothing but 18 hours I had one like that in Detroit I had a long drive bomb in Detroit one time I went to do open mic in Detroit on a Monday I called a club and like oh over Mike's Monday come on up here I show up a short for sign up and there's like like two or three people in line it sign upset five you come back at eight for Open Mic which I still think is such a stupid procedure yeah so I come back at eight and everybody it's all men and they're all [ __ ] hoodied and just [ __ ] in the zone and [ __ ] in the corner like having a little freestyle ciphers and [ __ ] and I go back up to the [ __ ] box office everyone if I'm here for open mic where is the open mic she goes this Open Mic baby you're in the right place and I'm wearing a suit this is back when I used to Performance suits Jesus Christ open mic that's garbage I'm like I respect it but keep in mind I started when I was 19. I was way skinnier than I am so when I was 19 I looked 14. so the suit added a little bit of course pay attention to me okay I'm 22 I'm in a suit at this [ __ ] Comedy Club I go yes I'm here for Open Mic she goes baby it's open mic rap night oh my God I go y'all didn't put that on the website she goes we don't have to everybody knows not everybody I'm not from who the [ __ ] does rap night at a comedy club and I'm like oh y'all just trying to keep the lights on this is a Coco shout out to Coco's it's gone now it's a venue but I've driven I'm here I'm doing my three minutes oh you're a bigger if you still want to go up I'll go yeah I'm go I know I'm gonna bomb but I drove so just put she goes she goes well how about we just put you on last baby I know yeah that's a good idea and it's 29 straight right it's 29 people in a row [ __ ] I kill another [ __ ] yeah you don't know about the D and the three one three and then the murder murder and then I just get out there yeah so buyback is crazy talking about airplane food well it was all college [ __ ] to a room full of people that could have given a [ __ ] about it our A's are a pain in the ass literally that's like the type of material anyone in a frat what's happening damn okay buy back that is a robbery ah all right yeah let's get into some uh some kids do some fuse here okay um any of your family or friends ever been on the TV show Catfish negative okay were you a Crystal Light family growing up Crystal late Friday 13. no Crystal Light oh Crystal Light no no we will Kool-Aid Crystal Light was like white people Coke because the commercial there's no black there's no black people in the Crystal Light commercials back in the day I can't I don't remember I don't remember it it had the same Vibe as a Lululemon commercial whatever like it just it just didn't register as a black thing like we take City water and flavor it and then add sugar I want this Crystal Light [ __ ] no no no no okay uh your TSA pre-check yes take your shoes off on a plane if I'm in first class and it's a long flight okay like if it's a red eye red eye and I'm laying down there's something about taking your shoes off that just helps you go to sleep oh yeah of course you never like to release a pressure maybe yeah because if I keep my shoes on I feel like I'm back to sleeping in the focus yeah yeah yeah flashbacks and I'll never go back to that will you put the seat back on an airplane let's say you're not in first class first class I assume no I never recline really I never required it's not out of courtesy though why I like how he said that not because I'm a nice guy no it's Window Seat no recline because if you don't recline they can't wake you up to put your seat back up strategic 15 so you can start sleeping earlier in the Border exactly so you get to sleep on taxi and Landing gotcha what's your airline you fly you have one of the years truto uh I'm pretty I'm pretty regular on Delta yeah ourselves I I was a continental I was a well Continental before they merged with United guy out of the South I think I think most Community I think it just boils down to if you live in a city where this area is yeah yeah like like my buddy Steve Byrne that's been my dog for years he is an American Airlines he's right there yeah and Pittsburgh is where AAA they got a lot of routes out of Pittsburgh and Chicago so yeah so it makes sense whatever's best yeah so I'm a I'm a Delta guy we bring food on the plane like when you order a burger in the terminal and take it on the plane I'm very conscious of since I don't want to be the guy with the like there's a picture of some this couple that had a crab boil yeah that's insane it's a beautiful picture if you did they have the middle seat with the crab and the corn and [ __ ] it's a gorgeous [ __ ] photograph um not everybody belongs on a plane yeah that shouldn't happen I took a Chicago style pizza on the plane Mr Giordano's he took it he took a deep dish Giordano's nonetheless I had a I had a three hour layover at O'Hare and if you Google there's a there's a Giordano's pretty close to O'Hare that you can get in and out of you left to get pizza and came back you put a pizza through an x-ray machine called it I called the order in as we were taxing to the gate that's called Giordano's like just a straight just greedy [ __ ] that I am why did you just eat it then no I guess what if something happens with the flight I just want to get back to the safety of the plane and it's like a 10-minute debate on whether or not the sauce on the top counts as a liquid that I'm bringing in like they legit had a conversation about the well I don't know if this is liquid son I gotta talk to my supervisor so I brought that I brought that on the Chicago back to LA flight Jesus all right did you eat any on the flight [ __ ] yeah that's a whole bunch of question right yeah I wasn't sure I didn't know what you were doing a slice at the gate okay and then when we got to the [ __ ] playing okay how to give the TSA guy a couple of slices too yeah like for him to play ball um if you go if you go and get something on your debit card uh like a CVS or anything like that will you will you get cash back negative I don't I don't use my debit card for transactions because this is a hack Fest and yeah smart yeah credit cards so my shit's protected what are you what are you working with credit card wise Amex Capital One I like Amex for the points shout out to it baby tie that to the Delta yeah yeah of course uh okay uh growing up or now do you keep batteries in the refrigerator negative my dad did I never do it my father used to keep 35 mil film in the fridge too that was the thing as well to keep film from degrading before you use it makes sense that the batteries doesn't I don't know why that people think that works but film to me that makes that makes sense I'll tell you a cheap trick a dark better cool spot if you need to squeeze a little extra juice out of a dead battery piping hot water like water hot enough for tea uh-huh put the dead batteries in the water Let Them Sit five six minutes really piping hot battery out of the water it's got extra juice in there really something that would explode yeah it's possible I am missing a couple of things it's never failed me okay yeah yeah don't do that yeah like if I'm in a hotel room in the back I go over to the coffee maker just run a picture [Applause] man I watch MacGyver and Bear Grylls all right if the housekeeper came in and you had batteries and boiling hot water she'd have some questions looks like you're making meth or something like [ __ ] Breaking Bad over here dude God damn someone told me a story one time of a comedian that was in the room jacking off when housekeeper came in he went to apologize they went out and she ran out the room of course I'm sorry I'm trying to apologize and locked himself outside [Laughter] that is such a horrible feeling when you hear that door lock like once you go oh I'm [ __ ] [ __ ] it's like the old police academy where they was it Captain Bowser when he put all the [ __ ] up shampoo in his head yeah and it was a he couldn't see and then he [ __ ] walked out to the middle of it you know the [ __ ] that was the first one police ago we have I think the tape is back there yeah we have it on we took it off of uh HBO when I was a kid um send any venmo requests requests no but I'll pay people through like I'll do spots around New York I get paid in them sure of course and so then in turn if I'm working with someone who needs to be paid in venmo you'll just he'll keep it in there and send it yeah I just never take you never take it out never take it out will you take the customer receipt at a restaurant if you sign the receipt will you take the customer copy with you no and can we stop with the receipt [ __ ] I'm right there with you what are we doing uh toast the tablets great do I like it's on my credit card thing and then my credit card does a better job of sorting sure like like like Amex does like that end of the year this is what you spend on housing rental cars whatever whatever Roots all your [ __ ] so that's enough for me no I've never been asked to show a receipt I mean in 20 years wait no I take that back I take the customer receipt and I throw it away smart because I don't want you to [ __ ] rewrite another I got jammed about 500 bucks they took out and cleared out my bank account really yeah when I was I was in college I left it there they took it 500 tip and then the the business closed that next day so it was just like the waiter one last hurray from the waiter I went back to [ __ ] scream at him and the balls were boarded up I put the cash symbol when I write in itself yeah nice paranoia I like it yeah and then I blackened out the area to the left of the cash symbol so you're not adding you're not remixing yeah and then I [ __ ] Circle it and then I get it notarized No More Than This I go see a judge on Monday me and the waiter go to the magistrate I'm leaving I made eight bucks nothing more nothing less can you open uh a bottle with a lighter no I don't smoke so okay I don't know how to do that but they've taught me that Wham the bottle on the edge of a counter trick okay that [ __ ] up the counter though who taught you that not counting some alcoholic in a rush and alcoholic interrupt some booze back they had to get to work real quick yeah because whenever you're like oh let me find about no bro I Gotta Wait everybody has their own trick yeah and they wear it as a badge of honor to show you how they can do it yeah um huh are you peeing in the shower you pee in the shower absolutely brush your teeth in the shower no gentlemen okay uh how do you feel about Hibachi restaurants um no no Korean barbecue I like yeah the classier Hibachi best I feel like it's like DIY Hibachi sure sure yeah get your hands dirty a little bit will you shower in the morning or at night what's the routine night shower at night yeah really I'm nice early on I dated a woman in college who believed in getting in the bed clean clean okay to preserve the cleanliness of the bed I'm with you makes sense let me just kind of made sense to me sure will you dance at a wedding no really no I don't really know how to dance then okay I might I might two-step or something goofy something easy Electric Slide Macarena yeah but if you ask me if I'm out there just running the Dance Floor oh man freestyling a little bit no uh okay have you ever saved a Crown Royal bag oh yeah do you have one currently in your apartment no no I haven't drank Crown in a while okay once you elevate and stop drinking bagged liquor what's the go-to drink for you now you say bag liquor yeah I thought he said bad lick bag liquor is a great dirt because really the the good [ __ ] it's not that Crown Royal isn't good [ __ ] it's just there's there's better there's better sure once you get into better [ __ ] the the packaging is way more simple and subtle yeah what are you what are you knocking around with today if you were going out after this for a couple of drinks do you keep do you have a little bar at the house where you'll have a drink when you come home after yeah I'm still trying to build out the little I just got a place a couple of like last fall so I'm still trying to figure out all of that but I got the Ice Cube moles really I got the circle and that's a square and the square it's a problem like I got I got the right cubes because I'm a Manhattan guy yeah hit me with the Manny's that's my thing so pretty much any Top Chef brown liquor I like that Japanese suntory I do Johnny Satori time I still like you got Johnny at the house yeah crazy okay where does uh where's Roy wood uh grocery shopping there's a couple of like dagostinos dagostinos is legit classy yeah yeah Whole Foods man for chicken salad and there's a couple of things in Whole Foods that I like but you go to Whole Food specifically just for the chicken salad to me they they got a Sonoma Chicken Salad is [ __ ] it's chicken it's [ __ ] pecans grapes celery and then if you want to get sexy go home shave up some apples add some apples today a waldorf salad yeah yeah that's a classic and what are you putting that on the cracker crackers I do chicken salad with crackers sometimes I do a croissant from zabars what the [ __ ] okay Kennedy yeah yeah every now and then you go you go get one of them Jewish bakeries and get some of that good soft ass bread so it's like I'm on like an errand and it takes me back to my days in high school where I would go Burger King for the burger McDonald's for the fries Chick-fil-A for the milkshake whoa all on the same day yeah like there's there was there used to be in Homewood there used to be a spot all three like if you if you come down Green Springs in Birmingham in the 90s it was a McDonald's and a Burger King within a block of each other and then the Chick-fil-A was in enough distance for you to consume the burger and Fry on the way to Chick-fil-A to wash it down to get the trifecta so now if that's classy or trashy but it's [ __ ] genius so now I don't like any of the crackers that's at Whole Foods because I just I like this guy's real hoity-toity yeah weird basic ass crackers I don't want your [ __ ] knockoff Wheat Thin or your knockoff townhouse I want a nice buttery [ __ ] basic [ __ ] cracker you're a rich man yeah Ritz well I'm a club I'm Keebler Club townhouse Ritz if you've got nothing else right yeah Rich is the bottom tier if you got I don't do vodka if you don't have any dark I'll try that okay that sounds like a credit card I'm Keebler Club yeah lounge access they let me in the tree store for you crackers it's a Food Emporium you know Walgreens and dagostinos get your crackers from there get you to get your chicken salad from Whole Foods get the bread from zabars you're very calculated I like it I like it you should enjoy food you should not compromise at any point well I don't feel like going to no go hey everybody in the choir get all that good ass bread and then get you a [ __ ] Tupperware and keep that [ __ ] stretch it out for a [ __ ] week and a half do you have a a regimen like will you go to the grocery store every Saturday every Sunday or anything like that or you just kind of just kind of let it flow no I just kind of let it flow and usually when I buy groceries it's just for three or four days because at some point I'm on the road I've tried those meal mail delivery I've tried them both I've tried the one where they mail you this [ __ ] raw and you cook it and then I've tried the ones where you just reheat what they cooked in fact New York Chef just made this yesterday for you and I'm like I would recommend trying factor factor meals one's a sponsor so we're cutting that okay can you just do us a favorite look at the camera and say you love factor I like factor in fact as a matter of fact that is my favorite meal prep plan and service mine just got done um when you eat at the house if you make dinner do you do it do you order in a lot you get you get yeah I that's something I'm guilty of which I'm trying to be better about okay I'm gonna have to because you know I'm co-parenting now so when my son is over I don't want to just keep ordering right food yeah if you're by yourself your son's not there will you eat as will you sit at your table the kitchen table and eat or will you sit in front of the TV no I eat at a table really do you played it I I I or do you eat out of the container it comes in usually out the container just because of the road comic in there sure sure because if I'm if I was in a hotel did he go with an iron or something yeah I got the batteries in the coffee pot if it's something like say like like when I get I can't even think of the name of the place Cafe forensic when I get chicken parm now you're talking my language there Roy Cafe for instance I like to like for that to be out get that out the container okay and really enjoy and spread your plate set your bread to whatever uh no I don't eat I don't eat in the bedroom I might snack on the couch but like a full meal nah okay that's some eating a pizza and watching a movie with somebody sure but no I like I like to eat at a table man uh when you watch anything while you're eating well you put what's on the iPad watch a show oh yeah anything goes anything goes wrong but just at a table bro I'll eat during a zoom call and I know they start to act like this is some sort of faux pas and you shouldn't do it and I'm like this is me it is yeah this is what you're buying yeah you want to work with me or you don't I want to eat if we came over to your house right now and you offered us we're gonna do some water what would you what how would we get what would the water be coming it would be a bottle would it be from the sink uh but the cup right now picture okay okay and uh in the fridge it's in the fridge I'm a cold water guy I don't know how's the filter on that uh I don't know it's charcoal it's quicker than the one I had before I had this Pro Pure or some [ __ ] that was too nice and it was like a chalk or a granite filter and it literally would take nine hours to get a picture yeah yeah how often are you changing the filter on The Brita though yeah cold [Laughter] [Music] it kills half the germs how about this filter set a reminder be a floss every day not every day but that floss okay uh how do you feel about the rotisserie chicken I am a fan only because the rotisserie chicken saved me you know sure out on the road that's six dollars bro six bucks that's two mils lean meat two yeah yeah I used to [ __ ] up Boston Market when I first moved to New York go in there and buy a whole [ __ ] like a grocery store rotisserie like Publix down south public supermarkets have probably the best rotisserie in the game Walmart I'm putting second really I've never had a Walmart that's a bold statement I in the South though okay South where they give a [ __ ] about Flavor yeah like don't just go any Walmart and go roid said come here I'm over in Parsippany New Jersey yeah Roy sent me back to the tires don't do that that chicken's gonna be trash okay uh are you a pistachio man negative no pistachio no I'm a I got a cashew allergy it's extended to um pralines and pistachios are in the same neighborhood so I just I like when I was like 35 on a flight I ate a cashew and just out the blue my throat closed almost asked him to lay on the plane yes so since that day I'm like okay okay [ __ ] all y'all sure Irish except for Snickers that's worth death like an ice cream Snickers yeah I can still eat peanuts but cashews pralines legumes yeah I don't know the difference I just [ __ ] them all yeah no like even now when I eat a Snickers that first bite is just like a little nibble and we wait to feel if my mouth becomes warm give it a couple minutes yeah like you ever drink bleach water no what what's like the water would be you haven't accidentally ingested chlorine bleach no okay when you do your mouth gets really warm yeah why you're doing real good here Roy don't blow it now you're drinking bleach you guys know you guys know when you're hanging out drinking chemicals you guys know that right I'm more of a [ __ ] and span man to be honest with you your mouth gets super warm really fast when there's some [ __ ] that's not supposed to be in your body it's like a siren I used to work at a steak delivery places food delivery oh so he's a medical doctor oh it's cool I used to be a delivery driver no we will bleach the lemonade and the in a fruit punch fountain oh okay okay I gotcha bleach water looks like lemonade gotcha okay put up a whole glass of that [ __ ] to the Deep Sleep Jesus Christ dude I didn't know they were cleaning the [ __ ] he had he didn't cover the spout the spigot holy when you're cleaning the [ __ ] [ __ ] you're supposed to cover the screen on it or something yeah and my [ __ ] bird didn't I can't [ __ ] you Bert damn I'll tell you what though the fountain lemonade is all right you say you were is it good or is it the fact that it's is it like are we buying into the the presentation I think it's the present yeah Oh you mean those things yeah those things that that was like Off the Wall yeah that's what I drink out of yeah yeah yeah yeah if I could have one of those in my house those things are unbelievable that technology fascinated me as a kid how it just kept going it was so good yeah there is there is an element of that to it uh all right I got a couple more here uh uh uh if you had to pick one Fritos Cheetos or Pringles Cheetos flaming hot or straight up not a friend not a fan of flaming hot okay so straight up Cheetos is the straight up Cheetos would be the one okay Pringle sour cream would be the number two gentleman's answer no love for Fritos okay too thick too crunchy yeah then there's so there's a lot of them and then they dance yeah like a [ __ ] Ascent of a pretzel or something I think just no disrespect to your philly [ __ ] place sure um would you walk up to a drive-through without a car I've tried [Laughter] they will not serve you some will some will I think you have to get a guy who plays ball a little bit when you get out of the shower you towel off first of all how often is that towel getting rotated [ __ ] you're you're a fresh towel every every shower no no some people are which is crazy like you live in a hotel or something like I'm the dry off towel as I call it in the black community what's the other one the the the face towel the you know your rag your wash your washcloth sure so you're a washcloth man washcloth in the shower yes or a loofah or some scrubbing abrasive soap something exfolio gotcha something I like that so sorry you use uh uh a body wash or a bar soap what do you what are you not going around for a bar soap okay I don't know some weird [ __ ] from lassitana like some [ __ ] French [ __ ] I don't even know what happened give that a Google I can't do the grocery store sub they should be drying you out and they'll [ __ ] you up for sure be all scared of the chemicals of that [ __ ] um washcloth I'll probably rotate every three days the dry out the dry off claw the dry off towel probably every four days that's real that's good that's right just trying off with it it's like okay but the washcloth is doing a lot of work it's picking up the dirt you gotta rotate that one now where does the towel go when you're done drying off does it go over your your door in your bedroom does it go over the shower curtain why I've never understood that I've never understood the dry off towel making it out of the bathroom really I bring my clothes into the shower wait hold on draw your house yeah I just used to shower my truck stops and [ __ ] though shout out to the Flying J so you gotta be on his [ __ ] toes so like you dry off then you put that towel on a towel rack in the bathroom then you put on your [ __ ] clothes in the bathroom and then you go back out into the world full clothes no but at least draws okay I'm dry and at least presentable so this child there's no need for this top but I also don't [ __ ] with robes either because I don't I don't make moves naked [Laughter] make moves that's the funniest thing I make moves naked exclusively I don't unders I just I'm not a rogue person wait hold on don't just somebody I have this you go in the shower you shower yes you dry off in the shower do you open the door to the bathroom to get that fresh air in they're really dry yeah yeah yeah okay you push you push the shower curtain back you dry off because you're dripping so let the drip drip in the tub then step out you've done upper body now you lay that same tile down feet ankles now you put that thing up on the rack put your drawers on now you're ready to leave the bathroom okay but I know people who just tie the tile around their waist and then they do all of the lotion and hair and post shower routine in the bedroom I've never done that but then I've also always had to share bathroom with your mom and then when you travel like when I was in Mississippi with all of my cousins you can't come out and do [ __ ] because it's a house full of [ __ ] in a hotel when you're by yourself where you walk around the hotel room naked no really you don't make moves naked huh get clothes on immediately really yeah something could happen something is that a joining door opens you gotta be [ __ ] on yourself the same reason I don't [ __ ] with flip-flops other than at the pool what in case you're gonna fight yeah oh you need to run somebody might shoot like I have [ __ ] trauma like I've been around enough weird [ __ ] in my brain she could jump off I need [ __ ] clothes to there's a shoe I don't remember the brand but there is a closed-toe neoprene looks like one of them Kanye shoes or whatever but it's like it's rubberized and you can wear it in the ocean oh yeah whatever it's called it goes around the it fully encloses your foot yeah I've been fantasizing about a pair of those they were big in the 90s even if they get to shooting in the ocean I can just be out [ __ ] run you should put on flippers and go the other way just go further out in the water just get out as quick as possible baby oh man I'm staying with getting dressed socks go on before your pants or pants and socks that's a good question usually socks then pants like if it's jogging pants something with a tight cuff or elastic cuff that's going to grip it's easier for me to bring the pants up over the sock okay so I'm not shoving sock under the elastic and all of that stuff all right uh yeah socks first okay how do you feel about the deviled egg love the devil today I prefer it with the relish chopped up inside it okay paprika yes a little bit of that that that Cube salt whatever those big salt sea salt sea salt is it kosher salt yeah kosher salt like it's the big pieces of salt I like that on that too you have a go-to cereal I will always have a soft spot for Fruit Loops okay man amen every blue moon and it's not like at The Daily Show they let the interns buy the cereal and so there's like here's the nine you must buy and then here's five boxes of just whatever whatever's clever yeah they let they let the kids kind of just to help mix it up and variety and every now and then they'll grab a Cinnamon Toast Crunch and I'll [ __ ] it up yeah but I don't buy cereal for the house like it just okay those two candy like I like like as a 44 year old man I feel like oatmeal with walnuts is what I'm supposed to be eating sure like that's the image I want my son to have of me he can't be digging for the prize at the bottom of Frosted Flakes in front of your kids yeah in front of your kid oh son we're just gonna get this follow the nose it's like no oh my [ __ ] your daddy eats this boring [ __ ] now stare at me trying to stay alive look at your daddy trying to live longer to [ __ ] be with you who's uh who's cutting the hair um I got a barber here um you go there they come to you for the most part I go to his shop but he also cuts hair at The Daily Show so there you go so because he's you know because he's in the hair and makeup Union sometimes he's down at the show to cut a guest or cut somebody in the building so I can kind of sneak yeah like that was the biggest thing when Trevor left [ __ ] I lost my goddamn weekly haircut uh why he got it cut every week yeah cause the barber will come down to cut Trevor's man so I just uh when you're done with traveling cleaned me up a little bit yeah I was thinking about this the other day when you get your hair cut on set do you tip on set no there is not a penny that comes out of your pocket if you if I get my some of the best haircuts I've ever gotten were for TV Productions and they are paid crazy yeah they're they're you make a solid living they're not burning and turning they're not trying to get you out of the chair you're making way more than you would if you do it on a regular enough basis as a union Barber on set you can make close to what you would have been making in a shop if you had a chair and a regular flow of customers but of course then something like the writer strike happened the production so it's like there's a there's a gift there's a balance yeah when high top when it's good it's good it's [ __ ] great okay that's all right I got one more and then I'm and then I'm clear okay uh you go to a steakhouse how do you get your steak cooked steaks are medium Ribeyes only Cowboy preferred um pretty good um I know some people get a porterhouse or something like if I'm on a date with someone and she wants a different cut I'll defer to her cut of meat gentlemen okay gentlemen but if you're getting a porterhouse for two yeah and you gotta share it you'll give it to her but I hope and pray that she wants it medium I've dated a couple of medium rares and it was it was difficult would you rather go higher or lower lower you mean you'd rather you'd rather it medium rare than medium well medium well can be [ __ ] up it's with medium rare I can hope and pray that there's some shorts yeah and I can just get the Outer Perimeter yeah and on a date or with friends are you a single appetizer guy or are you sharing everything let's share let's figure out something for everybody to share but there's always one appetizer I really want yeah me too baby and I'll try and order two of those to make sure I get my points yeah because I'm like the guy like like I hate [ __ ] group nachos wait why nachos is one of the most man I get you so much the the lack of equity across you know let's talk about Equity glaze diversity and inclusive top one percent of chips have all the good topics and some [ __ ] gets the chip and doesn't have the decency to get that chip and a dry chip and then bounce it balance it and make your nacho sandwich so you get even to so you might get the chip with all the [ __ ] chicken and the cheese and then I'm stuck with a sour cream and two Olive [ __ ] [ __ ] man and they go let's get nachos for the table it's like let's just all not be happy yeah there's no way you're doing them now where they they span them out they span them out like they put them on cookie sheets so everything gets an equal distribution is that like in a Mexican restaurant that sounds like a Mexican I don't know I saw it online to be honest because I've seen Mexican restaurants that take the Nacho [ __ ] more serious because they other baked the cheese the nacho them in the oven it's not that [Music] okay see that I would I would prefer yeah okay no give me give me something then okay I just got uh two more um Mayo Hellman's or Miracle Whip the Hellman's regular Mayo Miracle Whip is a little [ __ ] too sweet now you want something to blow your goddamn mind get that Japanese Mayo I know exactly what you're talking about oh my God it's called like Weepies or I don't know what it's called it seemed like a little thing my girl gets it but it's halfway between Miracle Whip and American yeah it's just the perfect tang and sweet okay so you put that [ __ ] on a [ __ ] hot dog bro see this is why I'm on the fence with him he's classy and then trashy what no hot dogs you want the expense hot dogs of course you but they're not you want the expensive fancy Mayo but yeah you put it on a hot dog absolutely yeah he's the duality of man oh that's right no Mayon hot dog [ __ ] Americans I'm in I love it I like what you're putting down not on a brat you go mustard on a brat that meets two [ __ ] salty to disrespect with mayo what else is going on your hot dog let's clear this up um let's get some after this now if you want you want to know the real bougie please [ __ ] I go bun open preferably Hawaiian roll gentlemen Top Cut don't really [ __ ] with the side cut whoa prefer the top cut it's because the side you open up in the hinge jacket comes loose and now you got your own coming up it's very suspect on the side cut hot dog bun Top Cut you know what you're getting you crack it open I'll go Mayo I go a passive yellow mustard I'll go a passive relish then the dog on top of the toppings whoa items on to encase and enclose the toppings underneath to keep all this [ __ ] slippage and it's less messy doing all this [ __ ] it's not wrong he turned therapings into bottoms steady betting flavors now if you really want to go next level adding the flavors if you really want to go next level put the hot dog in give it a Twist bring some of that top sauce and residue from the bottom up to the top layer and now you're getting the top your palette is getting a little bit of flavor on both sides on every bite that way when you bite the hot dog you're not just getting toppings in one side of your mouth and meat on the other side of your mouth you get an even balance the problem is you have to do you should be running for office I know what's going on at least like you know commander-inchiva hot dogs or something the problem though is that more often not when you're eating hot dogs it's with a group of people and you know [ __ ] are watching you and judging you and how you're prepared like just just recently I was at a barbecue and they had the baked beans going so sometimes I go with the baked beans on top of the dog no sauce you're an American can I get it baked beans only yeah try to do my baked bean bed and then like I'm going through my routine and they're like what the [ __ ] are you doing just eat that because I'm like no more Garcia para and have you ever seen videos like this is baseball player that would go through the guy from the Red Sox yeah yeah okay there's video of it it's a legend where Garcia power after it is pre-pitch clock after every pitch he would go through the same yeah routine of straightening his uniform read velcro in the glove twisting the back fixing it like he would go through all his [ __ ] and then get back in there but he just had Neurosis that's how I am with preparing a hot dog if I really want it the way I want sure so but you should have you've earned you deserve Japanese Mayo is the [ __ ] [ __ ] damn the best sandwich I've ever had the best piece of seafood I've ever had was a Burger King BK and then he does this this is Tokyo oh I'm out I'm done I can't deal with this guy is the tartar sauce was based the base of the tartar was Japanese Mayo tartar sauce with Japanese Mayo as a base over a fish sandwich that doesn't have half the chemicals that they put in the wands in America fast food is fresh as [ __ ] overseas yeah damn this guy is good top three fish sandwich I've ever had huh Burger King in Tokyo see he's pure 50 50 down the line burger I ate them for three days I was in Tokyo and I [ __ ] ate Burger King three days in a row because it was good you're in Tokyo you're gonna try oh [ __ ] all that other [ __ ] they add some octopus inside a hush puppy that was good what are we doing he's perfectly 50 trash and 50 the classiest guy I've ever met in my life hush puppy yeah you love a hush puppy and then everybody loves a [ __ ] decent piece of calamari octopus ain't [ __ ] but [ __ ] meaty [ __ ] calamari yeah put that [ __ ] in a hush puppy that [ __ ] was amazing he's drinking bleach he's got Japanese Mayo I don't know what's happening man ladies and gentlemen Mr Roy wood man what's your verdict Kip I I honestly I've called a 50 50 one other time I think but this is the most down the line both sides of the fence 50 50. he's the epitome of I mean he's doing credit card schemes in like ninth grade or whatever and he's got Japanese mayonnaise that's he's a well-cultured man I'm saying 50 50. I gotta say this um I I understand the 50 50 but his garbage Tendencies are extremely methodical yes so I'm gonna say all class it's the first weird split Toby you want to do the tie breaker what are you thinking first time ever it's like 60 40 class I think okay I'll give you that I'll give you that I'll meet you there 64. take food on the plane but it's a deep dish pizza yes every movie makes he then confuses me with the next movie you think I'm gonna take a [ __ ] Charlie's Philly cheesesteak extra onions no dude I try to Google his soap and I had to put in my password for the Illuminati it's verbena soap from L'Occitane that's what it is yes it sounds like a French restaurant I'll do it a lot I'll do uh the nachos and the soap and lots of time ladies and gentlemen Mr Roy wood he is on tour right now he is one of the funniest guys you have to go and see him this was fun thank you buddy yeah this is great buddy we love you we've been so excited to have you thank you so much for coming in anything else you want the folks out there to know oh that's it man just come out and see me live Virginia Beach you said next yeah Virginia Beach Hartford we playing from Sacramento to Hartford down to Miami man so awesome we're getting all the time zones in if you don't see your city no it's getting at it because it's a strike I ain't got [ __ ] to do that ladies and gentlemen for Roy wood thank you what do you got for him we're also all over the road we're announcing the next leg of our tour for the fall and the winter so get those tickets because they are moving quick we appreciate it we love you gang we love you and we'll see you next week peace

Channel: AreYouGarbage? Comedy Podcast

Views: 127,954

Keywords: Are You Garbage, Are You Garbage Tom Segura, Are You Garbage Bert, Are You Garbage Tim Dillon, Are You Garbage Shane Gillis, Are You Garbage Mark Normand, Are You Garbage Dan Soder, Are You Garbage Patreon, Comedy Podcast, Are You Garbage Stavros, AYG Comedy Podcast, AYG Podcast, Garbage, Comedy, Roy Wood Jr. Stand Up, Roy Wood Podcast, Roy Wood This is not happening, This is not happening, Roy Wood Comedy, The Daily Show, Roy Wood JRE, Roy Wood Flagrant

Id: uAR2ImW7HmU

Length: 84min 57sec (5097 seconds)

Published: Sun Jun 11 2023