Are You Ask Culture or Guess Culture? This Communication Skill Is Life-Changing

are you an asker or a guesser i saw this story on  facebook that perfectly illustrates this crucial   style that no one is talking about but if you did  know about it it could be life changing so knowing   the difference could save your relationships so  let's start with the story right the husband says   we live in a small two-bedroom apartment in new  york city people like to visit here and they don't   generally want to pay for a hotel we understand  this however we also don't want people staying   with us who we don't know or we don't like my wife  received the following email is there a chance   that i could stay with you and jeff for a portion  of that time i'd be using the subway the whole   time and i'd be gone from 10 to 10 probably every  day so i'd be out of your way most of the time let   me know if this might be a possibility your choice  on the dates thanks for your help i hope this   works out so we can see each other okay first i  don't even know this woman i've never even spoken   with her my wife doesn't really like her but  she's one of those people who just won't go away   to complicate things further my wife is one of  those people who doesn't really like to say no   or to turn away people from her past so i'm sure  this woman will be following us wherever we go   further it really annoys me when people just  invite themselves over or present the possibility   of you accommodating them this is something i  strive never to do if anything i might test the   waters by mentioning i'll be in town and see  if an offer comes my way but suggesting that   you should allow me to stay in your apartment with  you and your significant other whom i have not met   seems borderline if not downright rude  presumptuous definitely now i doubt this will   be the last time this happens so we need a final  solution the only thing i've thought of so far are   number one our apartment has a weird key true and  we haven't been able to get it duplicated somewhat   true we need our keys true sorry number two keep  it vague sorry that isn't going to work for us   seems like a pretty good solution but a it's  still pretty awkward to say to someone especially   since i wouldn't put it beyond this woman to  inquire further why though why can't i stay and b   it'll be hard to get my wife to say this to her  have you had similar experience what would you   do in this sort of situation is getting cornered  into an unfortunate situation like this just a   fact of life that i'm refusing to accept okay  so this man asks his question to the internet   and among all the answers this person got they  could basically be summarized into two categories   this is a perfect example of ask culture versus  guest culture so the first group said why can't   you just say no just say no just tell her no you  can even use the gentle miss manners approach no   i'm afraid that won't be possible and if she asks  you why because it simply isn't possible another   responder said this woman isn't even demanding  to stay or assuming she can say she's asking you   need to say no someone else said she's not being  rude at the moment she's just asking someone else   said i don't think it's necessarily rude that  she asked but it also isn't rude if you say no   and another person said you are allowed to say  no without offering an explanation you know   so all of these answers these are ask culture  in some families you grow up with the message   it can't hurt to ask but you might get no for  an answer that's okay now the messaging to this   couple from the ask culture folks was just be  direct if she gets offended that's her issue   don't worry about it in ask culture you're more  likely to be clear and straightforward but you're   also more likely to be perceived as presumptuous  or rude the woman asking to stay seems to be from   ask culture and the husband and wife both seem  to be from guest culture so here's what the other   half of commenters were saying just say that it  isn't a good time right now and that you're sorry   or offer some kind of excuse like why not say  something like our apartment is not set up to   have guests or tell her you'll be out of town or  say sorry it's not possible and if she asks why   say i can't go into it it's too embarrassing it's  one of those random life in new york city things   someone else said does she have your phone number  has your wife corresponded by email with her   recently because it would be unfortunate  if the only way she had to contact you   was an email address that your wife no longer uses  hint right their message was like just ghost her   just ignore her right just cut her off and try not  to think about it all right and someone else said   this you're not the one who's being rude she is  boom right there she's the one who's being rude   for asking this is guest culture so this group  of guest culture their advice was to use a subtle   indirect way to tell her no without hurting her  feelings they essentially said that it was rude   of this woman to ask so directly and it would be  rude of you to answer her directly so find some   roundabout way to gently hint to her that it won't  work out and just keep praying that she disappears   so that you don't have to be rude now in guest  culture you try to put out feelers because you   don't want to make someone uncomfortable by asking  directly you may hint at a request or subtly   suggest something and then only ask directly  if you're pretty sure the answer will be yes   in guest culture you rely on shared cultural norms  so for example in greece it's rude to leave food   on your plate it signals that you didn't like  it but in china it's rude to clear your plate   because it sends the message that there wasn't  enough food offered so the subtleties of culture   allow for people to show respect and consideration  for each other but this can lead to confusion for   outsiders or people who aren't sure what the  cultural norms are now askers may hate this   but the reality is a huge amount of communication  is non-verbal and a huge amount of understanding   is cultural like that is the reality of life so  for example one time when i was in argentina i   made the mistake of telling someone wow  what a beautiful necklace you're wearing   and they interpreted this as me directly asking  for them to give me their necklace right like   this is an example of guest culture now my mom is  mostly guest culture in my family if someone asks   for something like do you have nutella my mom  interprets this as an expectation as an order   as if that person were saying you should run to  the store and get some for me this is a request   i'm making my husband is 98 ask culture he  wants to be asked directly to do something   he doesn't want me to hope or expect that he just  notices so for example if i'm making dinner which   is really like burning dinner and i'm also helping  my seven-year-old with her homework and the two   and the four-year-old are crying and fighting over  toys and he's kind of sitting at the table like   for me coming from guest culture i assume that  he notices i need some help i assume that he   can read into my needs that he takes care of the  little ones and it sure is nice if he can guess   that i need this help now when someone can look  at a situation and infer or hypothesize or guess   what might be needed they can save others a lot  of effort but i've learned not to assume that he   noticed my needs and ignored them which is what  my family culture might assume and instead i've   learned that he would just much rather be asked so  i've learned to speak his language say something   like hey han will you help the girl share and then  set the table so we can eat as soon as possible   and i think it helps for me to be more vocal  and clear with him but to my family it looks   like i'm being too bossy or assertive  with him okay so which culture is better   some people would say that ask culture is the only  correct way to do it the only logical way to do it   now i disagree it's i don't think that there is  one way that's right and the other way is wrong   i think it's more about learning how to speak  both cultures so let's just talk about the pros   of being from guest culture for a minute guessers  are more likely to observe to intuit to tread   carefully i would say they're more sensitive  which i don't think is a good or bad trait   it's just a trait and guessers tend to take into  consideration others needs now the downsides of   guest culture are pretty clear guessers are  not very assertive sometimes they're passive   aggressive they avoid discomfort at the cost of  clarity and this can lead to misunderstandings   let's talk about the pros of ask culture askers  are more likely to be clear and direct you   probably know with certainty what the other person  wants but that doesn't mean that there are less   miscommunications so for example if a boss is an  asker and an employee is a guesser the boss asks   can you take on this extra assignment he assumes  that she will either say yes if she can or no   if she can't but she hears i expect you to  take on this assignment if you want to retain   your status here so she may feel obligated  and say yes whether she has the time or not   askers can also come across as rude aggressive or  insulting direct questions can feel uncomfortable   for many people they may feel blunt insensitive  rude direct and they they inherently put people   on the spot but asking exchanges discomfort  for certainty so it really has its benefits too   the problem comes up when you cross cultures when  an asker makes a lot of requests from a guesser   or when a guesser needs a raise from an asker in  his column for the guardian oliver brickman says   an asker won't think it's rude to request  two weeks in your spare room but a guest   culture person will hear it as presumptuous  and resent the agony involved in saying no   let me give you another example sarah runs a  successful boutique hotel business but during the   pandemic they were struggling to make ends meet  someone asked for a discount right in the middle   of the worst of it he said well it doesn't hurt to  ask right he's a classic asker and she said yes it   does it does hurt it implies that our services  aren't valuable it takes up my time and energy   to explain why no is the answer and it causes  emotional angst i can see how a typical asker   would just say that's ridiculous they shouldn't  feel that way they shouldn't take it so personally   but it's not like there's only one right way to  be in the world even the most die hard askers   must acknowledge that there are some questions  that are inappropriate to ask so for example   asking an employee would you like to have sex or  asking a neighbor so how much debt do you have   on your credit cards right americans may feel  confused in a guest dominant culture like japan   and they might feel confronted aggressively in  a die-hard ask culture like russia and would you   agree with me that on average women are more  likely to be guessers and men are more likely   to be askers i mean these are just differences  it's not like one is good or bad it's just nice   to have language to explain them and understand  them and to identify these different approaches   to communication there's a spectrum of different  types along this and it's not a dichotomy   you're not either one or the other most people are  more likely to ask directly with close friends and   strangers but they're more likely to be guessy  with indistinct relationships like dates bosses   co-workers and acquaintances okay so now you know  about these two different communication styles   what do you do i would say learn to speak  in both languages just become more aware of   others and your own style and just increase  your self-awareness and then be intentional   about your use am i choosing to hint or to guess  because i don't want to be rude am i putting   others in an uncomfortable situation by being so  direct so if you're a boss and you're an asker   maybe take some time to think about your employees  and their communication styles are there some who   aren't as direct with you as you'd like instead  of trying to change other people consider how   you might better speak their language so instead  of saying judy can you take this assignment try   judy i know you're really busy what would you  think about taking on this extra assignment   or if you're a boss and a guesser and one of your  employees as an asker you might consider how you   could be more direct and straightforward with them  in an employee evaluation instead of hinting or   trying to protect their feelings you just say  directly what you need from them if you're a   guesser learn how to work with an asker don't take  offense gird up your loins and be more assertive   if you're an asker try to slow down be more  observant and gentle when working with a guesser   so in general i recommend choosing to be  assertive and gentle not avoidant or rigid   try to be sensitive but also clear it's a pretty  fine line to walk but at the very least just   knowing about these two communication styles can  help you see ways to improve your relationships   i hope this is helpful thank you for watching and  take care to be honest i really don't like most of   the pop psychology out there about self-esteem all  the exercises that have you look in the mirror and   say nice things to yourself they just really don't  work for me but at the same time when you have low   self-esteem you feel like you're never good enough  and your thoughts lie to you and they tell you   that you're a horrible person and that can really  contribute to poor mental health and depression   so if talking into a mirror isn't enough what do  you do i've collaborated with dr carly lebaron and   she made this amazing course on overcoming  low self-esteem in her course you'll learn   seven practical strategies to restore your  sense of confidence and to let go of your   negative labels and to feel worthy of love  and belonging since this course is brand new   i've got a special link in the description and you  can get lifetime access to the course for only 49   this week so don't spend  another day beating yourself   up you can start to learn these seven  principles today and turn things around you

Channel: Therapy in a Nutshell

Views: 350,336

Keywords: therapy in a nutshell, emma mcadam, mental health, depression, anxiety, improving relationships, Communication styles, Improve communication, communication skill, communication style, personal growth

Id: 9OXlZUfbsPI

Length: 15min 43sec (943 seconds)

Published: Thu Mar 10 2022