Brains… are simply not needed when writing
a story about a zombie apocalypse! The zombie plague has spread throughout pop
culture gradually infecting all works until everything is but a mindless swarm of all
consuming um… huh. I can’t really think of a good comparison? Regardless, zombies are an excuse to print
money and zombies stories are so well tread by this point that anyone can write one. But why go it alone? Team up with Terrible Writing Advice as we
face down the ravenous flesh eaters and write our very own zombie apocalypse. Before a writer does something foolish like
image a central character’s story arc, chose a good central theme, or dig down into what
makes zombies scary, the author should first make a much more important decision. Running zombies or slow zombies? Pick carefully, because this issue is weirdly
contentious among fans. Just kidding. Zombies are at their best when you just lump
on more and more crazy abilities and keep changing the rules much like their origin
story. We could keep the zombie origin story consistent
with clues regarding their creation seeded throughout the plot in a compelling mystery
or we could just leave it an unanswered question and instead devote resources to more relevant
plot lines. But a faster way is to introduce a stock zombie
origin and have this revelation eat up a good chunk of the plot while going nowhere. Ah. Much better because we don’t want the audience
using their brains or they might get smart enough to see how dumb my zombies are. You see my zombies are not like normal zombies,
they can mutate into a whole bunch of different forms. Oh wait. Now they have weak point that can be hit for
massive damage. Wait, now they don’t have a weak point,
but the characters have to use magic to defeat them. I’ve changed my mind. It’s head-shot classic, but like they can
jog, but not run. Zombies work best when the writers keep changing
the rules every five seconds. Internal consistency just gets in the way
of my creativity! Regardless of what powers the zombies have,
they will also need a thick layer of plot armor especially if they are zombie default. Zombies are very dangerous with their slow
movement speed, loud moans that give away their position, slow reflexes, no anti-armor
or anti-air capability, short range communication, limited communication, limited coordination,
inability to use vehicles, inability to use even the most rudimentary tactics or strategy,
no capacity to avoid hazardous weather, susceptibility to the elements, and fact that they can’t
even use a freaking door, clearly zombies are the height of apex predators. I guess they are smart enough to use air vents
for some reason. Darn air vents always full of zombies or aliens
or spies or zombie alien spies. But hey, if we can’t lift zombies up, then
the next best thing is the bring the humans down. Make the humans so stupid that they don’t
even notice the zombies sneaking up on them. Have survivors use actual tactics like routing
the zombies through a choke point? No. They will simply stand out in the open and
get overrun. If a writer worries that the group of survivors
is too cohesive, then add an obviously incompetent member who the group just puts up with for
some reason even though he gets everyone killed one at time. Oh no! Someone got bitten. They better hide it. Fortunately no one will ever think to routinely
check the group for bites until it’s too late. If they do find a bite victim then everyone
must angst over whether to shoot the bite victim rather than just locking them in a
room to see if they turn. If fact, the survivors should always choose
to revel in anguish rather than use creative problem solving when confronted with critical
situations. It’s not like they are in an environment
that would hone those skills. What about the military? They are either already dead by the story’s
beginning or they will spend their time killing survivors in a vain attempt to contain the
outbreak. Why secure and quarantine when you can shoot
at and drive off potential disease vectors? Besides, no one would like read about an in
depth exploration of how various government and military institutions fail to contain
the outbreak. That would be boring compared to zombies attacking
the product placement. What about the setting? It’s not a zombie apocalypse without the
apocalypse. It’s every man for himself even though it’s
been like 5 minutes since the outbreak started. If it’s one thing cable news taught me,
it’s that humans will turn one another the moment it looks like world will end or even
if it doesn’t. Another important thing to remember is that
the story needs to be set in an alternate universe where zombie stories don’t exist
otherwise everyone will know what to do and they won’t panic. But where will the action take place? Why not try one of the many zombie story stock
settings? All of the classic hits like convenience stores,
suburbia, the abandoned house in the woods, or the streets of downtown. If you set your zombie story in a mall then
get an extra critique on capitalistic consumerism for free! Act now! Don’t worry about poor lighting or lack
of running water. The lights and plumbing are still on even
if society isn’t. I guess that would also explain why the survivors
are wearing nice clothes, still have good hygiene, and have full makeup. Got to look your best for the end of the world. Besides, I want the end of the world to be
nice and clean with a satirical edge. Oh wait. I want everything hopelessly dark, gritty,
and deconstructionist. Eh I can’t decide so instead I think I’ll
have the tone pointlessly flail all over the place. Just be careful. The worst thing that could happen is the changing
tone might create effective and meaningful contrast. We want to avoid that just as much as we want
to avoid keeping the tone consistent. A writer should keep the audience off-kilter
at all times so I can spring my stealth zombie jump scares on the main characters at the
most dumb moments possible. Why worry about things like tone or characterization
in a zombie story? Zombies are enough to float a story all on
their own. This is why a writer should always strive
to keep zombie stories low quality. That way we can all keep making money with
zero effort. This means never digging down into the core
fear that zombies represent, the slow inexorable march of death and disease that can’t be
escaped no matter how fast you run, of how in the end we all die and shambling towards
us is a grim reminder of that ultimate fate personified as an endless horde walking corpses. Death changes us into that, taking away all
that we are and leaving behind something that looks like us, but is not us, our individuality
robbed and replaced with a legacy of endless hunger, pain, mindlessness, and death. We ward off disease and death with our technology,
but it merely buys us time until finally the teeth sink in, horrible pain follows, and
then darkness takes us. Thank goodness I saved at the last checkpoint.
