In this video you're going to learn about
one modern lie that keeps you trapped in the anxiety cycle and how to interrupt
the cycle of being anxious about anxiety. [Music] I'd like to thank BetterHelp for sponsoring
this video and this whole course. Not only does BetterHelp make it super easy for you
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All right, everyone, you've probably been lied to about anxiety. In our culture we have this
myth that anxiety is super dangerous for you; that there's an epidemic of anxiety; that anxiety
itself, the feeling, is a threat; and that having that feeling is dangerous, it's harmful, and
that it's worse than it's ever been before. Now, this is fueled by cultural messaging that screams
if you're not happy all the time, something's wrong with you, and you should probably buy what
we're selling to fix it. And it's also fueled by modern media, which profits off of scaring people.
Literally. I Googled the anxiety epidemic, and I got 35 million results. I mean, there are actually
good reasons to have anxiety. I mean, if you look, you can find that trouble abounds. But as far as
actual dangers, we're safer than ever. So now, instead of having a real threat to face, to fight
off, or escape from, we're sitting around navel gazing, getting anxiety about our anxiety. We're
afraid of our feelings. We feel we must escape from them or force them to change. Now, the truth
is that yes, more people have disordered anxiety than ever, but the narrative that the feeling of
anxiety will harm you is a lot like the idea that cauliflower is a suitable substitute for rice.
It's a straight-up lie. Chronic stress and chronic anxiety, which is what causes chronic stress,
can cause physical illnesses, but you can choose whether or not you have chronic stress or chronic
anxiety. They aren't inevitable. The feeling of anxiety won't harm you. Your body is supposed to
feel anxiety. It's meant to. It knows what to do with it. You can handle it. But when we become
afraid of our feelings, then suddenly we get stuck in a super unhelpful spiral. We start struggling
against our feelings, trying to force ourselves to calm down with deep breathing or meditation or
anything to make the anxiety go away. But this just makes things worse. We pile anxiety onto our
anxiety. Anxiety about anxiety looks like fear of losing control, like: oh, if I can't sleep,
I try to force myself to sleep, which makes me more anxious and makes it harder to sleep. Or
hyper-awareness of physical sensations: uh if I'm shaky before a presentation, I try to force myself
to slow my breathing, but the more anxious I get the faster I breathe, which makes me shakier. Or
anticipatory anxiety: feeling anxious about the possibility of experiencing anxiety symptoms
in the future. So this can lead to a cycle of worrying about when the next anxiety attack will
occur or trying to avoid or control situations which can trigger more anxiety. It's kind of
like when you were a kid and you discovered that if you held a mirror up to a mirror it goes on
forever and ever, except for now with a fun pinch of existential dread. Anxiety about anxiety looks
like worrying that others will notice that you're shaking or sweating or stumbling over your words
doing a during a YouTube video about anxiety. Um it looks like feeling anxious about your anxious
thoughts, like, "Oh no, I'm catastrophizing again. This will ruin everything." I mean, this even
happens to me. Right? I get anxiety about anxiety sometimes. Um one day I got a letter in the mail
threatening legal action, and I felt upset about it, called my lawyer as I figured out a strategy
to deal with it, but I still felt anxious. And I had family visiting from out of town. So now I
started to worry, like, oh, what would happen if I was anxious when they were here? I thought,
"Oh, this is going to ruin everything." I thought, "I have to make this go away so that I can be
happy and pleasant with them." And um I just felt that anxiety build and build. So I tried
to force myself to calm down, and the anxiety only spiraled. I tried breathing, taking a walk,
journaling, calling a friend and talking about it. And while these strategies often help, this
time they didn't. So I went for another walk, and suddenly it clicked: I was stuck in the spiral of
anxiety about anxiety. And when I recognized that, I knew what to do. But first let's talk about how
your brain works. When we struggle against our feelings, that tells our brain that these feelings
are really important, and it actually makes them louder. What we consistently pay attention to,
what we give energy to, becomes louder. That's one of the ways that neuroplasticity works. And it can
feel like you get stuck in this cycle of anxiety about anxiety, and this can feel hard to escape
from. Now, you can decrease anxiety, you can get a massive degree of influence over your anxiety,
but you can't force a feeling to change directly. It's a paradox. You can train your parasympathetic
response to be more active, but forcing or trying to force yourself to calm down just feeds the
anxiety cycle. So the paradox is this, right: we have nothing to fear but fear itself. Or we
have nothing to fear but fear of fear itself. So what's the opposite? What helps us work through
anxiety instead of feeding the cycle? Okay. First challenge: the belief that anxiety is dangerous
and must be avoided. It is safe to have emotions. You can feel anxiety and be okay. Dropping the
struggle with anxiety will actually help you spend less time with it. And, you know, all of
section one was kind of about that. Number two: lean in, not out. Um willingness, right? I've got
two ancient proverbs that help here. Number one: "Don't feed the internet trolls." And from the Tao
Te Ching: "A tree that won't bend easily breaks in storms. The hard and the strong will fail, the
openhearted prevail." Can you stop being rigid with your anxiety and open yourself up to having
feelings? We can learn to show acceptance and compassion toward our anxious feelings. "Oh, hi,
anxiety. I see that you've shown up again today. I can feel this feeling and be okay. If I can't
fall asleep immediately, it's okay. I know my anxiety is just trying trying to help me prepare,
and struggling against it won't help. I know I can handle it, even if it means I don't sleep that
well tonight." Now, you might be thinking, "No, anxiety is going to make me lose sleep, which is
going to make me cranky and miserable tomorrow, which is going to make me fail at parenting or
presenting or whatever I have to do." But that is also just a thought. Is it helpful? Does
believing that thought, buying that thought, help you sleep better? Probably not. Instead say,
"If I'm if I'm tired enough I'll fall asleep. I'll get up and do something else for a little bit.
When I feel sleepy I'll come back to bed." We're going to talk more about anxiety and sleep later,
but struggling to sleep makes your sleep worse. That's the bottom line. Okay. Here's another
example. Um I can feel anxious about going to book club, but that's okay. I want to be around people
today, even if I feel anxiety sometimes. This is all about leaning in. You make so much space for
anxiety that it can be there but it doesn't make your decisions anymore. It's kind of like getting
your in-laws a hotel room instead of having them sleep in your living room. You're making space for
them. So back to my story. Okay. While I was out on the second walk and I was noticing that I was
engaging in the spiral, I had this realization: silly Emma, you know what to do here. You don't
need to force your anxiety to go away. You can feel the anxiety and be okay anyways. So I made
space for my feelings and sensations. I said, "It's okay to breathe fast, to have your heartbeat
fast. That's okay. Your body can handle it. You can handle it. Bring it on," I said. Turns out
even my family members could handle it. I had a conversation with one of them about this
situation, and it actually helped us feel closer together. When I dropped the struggle with
anxiety, the pressure just melted away. Not all the anxiety did, but the anxiety about the anxiety
did. Okay. Number three: practice shifting your attention with your sensations. So when you feel
anxiety, you might have very a very strong focus on your uncomfortable physical sensations. Um you
might hyperfocus in on what you're feeling. And um it's okay to have feelings, it's okay to have an
upset stomach or fast breathing or sweaty palms, and you can make some space for that. You can send
them your love. So for example, you could put your hand on your stomach and say, "Oh, hi there
butterflies. I notice you. I feel you how are you today." And and you listen for a moment, and
you make space, and then you gently redirect your attention to other sensations, like, "Oh, what can
I hear? What can I see? What can I smell?" Now, in somatic therapy, they call this pendulation.
We swing with gentleness from paying attention to inside ourselves and then expand to outside of
ourselves, back inside, then outside. Don't want to be stuck hyperfocusing on your sensations,
and you also don't want to suppress them, so you just kind of pendulate back and forth.
Okay. Number four: allow anxiety to be there, and shift your attention back to what you
care about. Right? This is another form of pendulation. It's like you're acknowledging a
child who keeps interrupting you, and you do it with as much kindness as possible: "Oh, hey there,
honey. What are you saying?" Right? "You want more ice cream? Not right now, dear. I'm in the middle
of something. I've got to clean for 15 minutes, and then we can play." Right? You you acknowledge
the anxiety, you listen to what it's saying, and then you redirect your attention back to
your values. For example: "I feel anxious about this presentation, but I also care to share my
opinion, so I'll allow that anxiety to be there, and then I'll just focus on doing my best
to get my point across." Okay. Number five: accept what you can't control, and focus on what
you can. I can't control whether I feel anxiety, but I can choose how I respond to it. I can't
force my thoughts or sensations to change, but I can choose to be compassionate towards myself. You
have to admit to yourself that you can't control your feelings, only your actions. The Serenity
Prayer is helpful: "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the courage
to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." Shift your attention to what
you can choose. Now, I don't mean this in a like, "Oh, why bother?" sort of way. There is a
lot you can do to influence your anxiety, to decrease it over time, but you can't force
anxiety symptoms to change in the moment, and it's usually harmful to try. So there's five skills for
working with anxiety about anxiety. Number one: remember anxiety is a feeling; it won't harm
you. Make space for anxiety, acknowledge your sensations, and shift your attention outside as
well. And five: uh clarify what you can and can't control. Okay. Making space for anxiety instead
of resisting it and fearing it is a practical step that you can choose to take. It's an action that
you can practice until you get really good at it, and when you do, it opens you up to shift your
focus from anxiety to the things you really care about, whether it's the people around you, the
presentation you need to give, or just being a kind and connected human. Okay. Thank you for
watching, thanks for being here, and take care. [Music]
