Ant Man 3 Will Make You Hate Movies

let's talk for a moment about representation [Applause] no not that kind of representation I'm talking about individual examples that perfectly encapsulate the larger Collective they're part of for example I think armageddon's a pretty good representation of your average Michael Bay movie a star-studded cast lots of explosive over-the-top action lashings of patriotic heroism and earnestly grandiose posturing and a plot that relies on the sheer willpower of the audience to hold it together or The Shining which is pretty much representative of Stanley Kubrick movies as a whole lots of long extended shots awkward silencies and unnerving exchanges between characters heavy subtextual meaning slowly building tension and paranoia and a gradual descent into madness and violence and then there's Ant-Man 3 or Ant-Man and the WASP Quantum Mania if you're a pedantic [ __ ] a movie which basically sums up everything the MCU has become a plot so entirely predictable and generic that it feels like it was written by an overworked AI basically consisting of a series of tired and played out tropes that have been done a million times before lame attempts at quippy jokes and visual gags that are jarringly at odds with what's actually happening headache inducing visuals that are so obnoxiously overdone you can barely even process what you're seeing and an ending that effectively puts everything back exactly as it was before so that there's absolutely no weight or consequence to anything that you just saw in short Ant-Man 3 is everything that most of us have come to despise about Marvel at this point it's two hours of try Bland corporatized predictable pointless Soul destroying nothingness it's the absolute antithesis of artistic Endeavor that has nothing interesting to see or do and exists for no other reason than because the studio had a release slot to fill watching this movie is like eating a Big Mac for the 500th time in your life just another iteration of the same formula that's exactly what you expect from Star start to finish and leaves you feeling vaguely dirty and disappointed in yourself afterwards just like Tatiana after one of my special sessions anyway [ __ ] it let's get the plot summary over with so we can be done with this shite so the story sorry formulaic series of predictable events picks up sometime after the events of end game Scott Lang is living the good life now basking in the glow of Fame and success after helping to save the world he's well liked respected and dating a beautiful and intelligent woman yeah she looks like she gets her hair cut in a vending machine but whatever I guess you can't have everything seriously though the here and wardrobe department on these films must really hate Evangeline Lilly for some reason because the goal of every single movie seems to be to make her look as [ __ ] as possible anyway whatever so they pop round to Hank pym's house for an awkward family lunch when Scott's teenage daughter Cassie reveals she's created a magical Quantum [ __ ] device that can only them to scan and map out the entire Quantum realm because you know of course she has because this is Marvel where every teenage girl was a scientific Mega genius that creates Star Trek level technology in their bedroom in their spare time for fun [ __ ] off film honestly it's like some Jakey from the East End of Glasgow claiming to have invented a functional time machine after drinking a pint of brake fluid I just need turn codes to make it stop being invisible mate help me out oh yeah and she's also a political activist because truly there's nothing more likable than an [ __ ] opinionated teenager that's never lived a single moment in the real world in their entire life berating a grown man who literally saved the universe that he's got no reason to feel good about himself because they're still homeless people are you serious seriously you live in San Francisco love even Captain Marvel couldn't turn that [ __ ] around is that like a personal attack or something anyway so she turns on the magical Quantum [ __ ] device but then Janet remembers that she's still a character in this movie and frantically shuts it down but then it powers itself up again despite being disconnected from its power source because I guess that's how machines work and then they all get sucked into the quantum Realm shite oh yes shite yup that's the premise for this movie just shove them into the situation they need to be in as quickly as possible and don't ask questions also I love how the Fantastical mind-bending Quantum realm might as well just be an alien planet considering it's got breathable air gravity that's comparable to our own a functioning ecosystem recognizable civilizations and humanoid life forms and even bars do they have like cable TV as well anyway the just here is that when Janet was stranded in the quantum realm for like 30 years she hooked up with a human scientist who just so happened to crash land in her immediate vicinity and save her life wow that was lucky together they work to repair his ships so they could return to the real world but because it's a magical [ __ ] plot device ship the moment it reactivated Janet was able to sense his thoughts and realize that he was actually Kang the Conqueror well that's definitely shaped wow what a stroke of luck I mean if that ship didn't have such a wildly specific function with absolutely no practical value then none of this stuff would even be happening so anyway she blew up the engine core with her magical [ __ ] shrinking devices and got the hell out of there while Kang became a kind of dictator who rules over the entire Quantum universe and of course Janet decided never to mention any of this extremely relevant and important information to anyone so that the rest of the plot could happen but just now is that Kang wants the engine core back so that he can repair his ship and return to the real world and Conquer it so he kidnapped Scott and Cassie and forces them to help him and because Scott doesn't want to see his daughter get crushed to death in front of his eyes he does so Kang gets the core back and takes Janet along with him so that he can gloat to her or whatever and leaves everyone else to die without actually confirming their deaths because the writers are absolute [ __ ] hacks that have never seen Austin Powers before no no no I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan what then they get rescued by Hank's ants that have built their own Super Advanced civilization that even Kang didn't seem to be aware of and there's a big climactic CGI battle to stop a sky portal from opening and lots of stuff explodes and Cassie is able to persuade Kang's right-hand man to betray him by calling him a dick and then Kang dies and everything goes back to normal what a pile of absolute [ __ ] honestly when I think about what this movie is what it's trying to be and what the thought process behind it was I realized that it's nothing more than a laundry list of every tired Marvel movie Trope that we've seen over the past 10 years I mean see what you want about the first stand man but you at least got the impression that it was trying to do something a bit more creative and different it was a heist movie it was low level and personal it actually had a bit of Creative Energy and Imagination behind it this film just feels so utterly flat and devoid of soul and personality that it was like it was designed in some corporate boardroom by Committee of course the film has the bombard you with such insane visuals that it completely overwhelms your brain and leaves you numb of course the fate of the entire universe has to be at stake because God forbid you'd give us a small group of characters that we actually care about insteads of course the finale has to come down to a pair of generic CGI armies blasting away each other against the CGI backdrop with is no real indication of which side is winning or losing of course every single dramatic moment has to be undercut by gratingly inappropriate humor because if people aren't laughing they're not enjoying themselves of course every single female character has to be ferociously intelligent successful physically tough resourceful brilliant of fighting unable to magically figure out things that they shouldn't possibly know of course it does because it's a Marvel movie and Marvel movies are literally just the same formula repeated again and again only with slightly different variables the cast is bloated Way Beyond the requirements of the actual storyline the only people that are vaguely relevant are Scott Cassie and Janet which kind of makes me wonder why the others were even involved like why even call it Ant-Man and the WASP if you're not going to give the WASP anything to do Michael Douglas spends most of the movie standing around with the kind of shell-shocked expression that just tells you he's wondering what the [ __ ] happened to his career while Evangeline Lilly looks confused and pissed off most of the time I mean I can't see a blimer with that shitty haircut Cassie went from a cute likable little kid in the first movie to an obnoxious self-righteous sarcastic abrasive Noah oh played by an actress in her mid-20s for some reason and I can't help wondering who the [ __ ] is this character even supposed to appeal to I mean do women look up to arrogant [ __ ] like that and think yeah I want to be like that oh yeah and then there's modok wanna see a giant CGI head that looks like a worse version of the games master floating around getting owned by basically everyone well fist your eyes ladies and gentlemen because this image pretty much sums up the MCU now you know I'm led to believe that the comic book version of Modoc is actually a pretty Sinister terrifying character massively powerful sadistic and destructive that would have been a cool thing to work into Ant-Man 3. this however is not and then there's the stuff that's just [ __ ] inexplicable like Bill Murray showing up for a five minute Cameo that honestly feels like it was worked in at the last minute because Bill Murray showed up on set that date and decided he wanted to be in the movie it adds absolutely nothing it does nothing except waste time and it's about as funny as an episode of Velma one of the few bright spots of this absolute [ __ ] show is Jonathan Majors as Kang I mean don't get me wrong he's no Thanos but he's got at least a tiny bit of Gravitas this time around mostly because he speaks with big dramatic pauses really though like most of the rest of the cast he's far too good for the bottom of the barrel shite like this I can only hope that Creed 3 gives him a better chance to stretch his acting muscles because I think he's destined for much better things than this ultimately the Marvel Cinematic Universe feels like some old rock band playing their greatest hits at gig after gig they're basically on autopilot now nobody's hearts are really in it anymore they all know the routine off by heart and what the audience expects and it's really just a case of getting through the set so they can move on to the next gig forever and I have to admit part of me still held a tiny flame of hope that they might have recognized where the franchise was going wrong after the train wreck of phase four that they might vary things up now and then try new things different ideas maybe break from the old well-worn Marvel formula once in a while especially since this movie is supposed to kick off phase five with a bang instead it's just the same crap regurgitated once more and if the box office under performance is anything to go by phase five isn't gonna start with a bang but with a pathetic whimper anyway that's all I've got for today go away now

Channel: The Critical Drinker

Views: 2,728,347

Keywords: Paul Rudd, review, critical drinker, funny, best, feminism, feminist, Marvel, Disney

Id: va_Oz_MCGR8

Length: 11min 21sec (681 seconds)

Published: Tue Feb 21 2023