MY GUEST TONIGHT IS THE CREATOR,
WRITER, EXECUTIVE PRODUCER AND STAR OF "INSIDE AMY SCHUMER" ON
COMEDY CENTRAL, AND THE WRITER AND STAR OF THIS SUMMER'S HIT,
"TRAINWRECK." PLEASE WELCOME AMY SCHUMER. ♪ ♪ ♪
( APPLAUSE ) >> OH! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THANKS FOR BEING HERE. >> IT'S LIKE BEING IN NEW
ORLEANS. THANK YOU, I WOKE UP LIKE THIS. >> Stephen: REALLY? THOSE ARE YOUR PAJAMAS? >> YEAH, I'M SO COZY. >> Stephen: YOU SLEEP AS A
SEXY GANGSTER? >> THAT'S RIGHT. THAT IS CORRECT. >> Stephen: NICE TO SEE YOU. >> IT'S NICE TO SEE YOU. >> Stephen: THE LAST TIME I
SAW YOU PHYSICALLY WAS IN FEBRUARY, I THINK, THE LAST TIME
I SAW YOU. SINCE THEN YOU BLOWED UP, YOU
GOT THE "TRAINWRECK" YOU GOT A PEABODY AWARD FOR "INSIDE AMY
SCHUMER." YOU'RE ON THE COVER OF "GX
MAGAZINE." >> THERE SHE IS. >> Stephen: UNTIL YOU WERE
SUPPLANTED BY ME. I WAS GOING TO GO FOR "STAR
WARS" THEME. >> YEAH, WHAT HAPPENED? >> Stephen: WELL, YOU STOLE
IT. YOU TOOK IT FIRST. I WAS GOING TO DO JAVA THE HUT
BECAUSE I GOT MUFFIN TOP FOR DAYS, BABY. MEANWHILE, CONGRATULATIONS. >> THANK YOU. THEY DIDN'T ASK YOU TO WEAR A
LEATHER BRA? >> Stephen: "ASK" IS NOT THE
WORD I WOULD DO. THE LAST TIME WE SAW EACH OTHER
WAS THE GLAMOROUS WOMAN OF THE YEAR AWARD. >> YOU ARE SUCH A GLAMOROUS
WOMAN. >> Stephen: I TRY TO BE. >> THAT NIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED -- HAPPENED-- I DO. YOU TOLD THE STORY. >> I TOOK KATIE COURIC'S PHONE
AND I WAS, YOU KNOW, VERY DRUNK --
>> YOU WERE HAPPY. YOU WERE GLAMOROUS. >> I WAS GLAMOROUS, AND I TEXTED
HER HUSBAND THAT SHE WANTED TO HAVE ANAL THAT NIGHT. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: YES. >> HOW DO WE KNOW THAT SHE
DIDN'T! AND, YOU KNOW, WHAT, BUT YOU --
>> THE SCIENCE ISN'T IN YET, AMY. >> YOU WERE AN ACCOMPLICE. >> Stephen: I ENJOYED IT. I ENJOYED IT ENORMOUSLY. IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN ONE OF THE
MOST ENJOYABLE MOMENTS OF MY LIFE WHEN SHE LEFT THE TABLE AND
YOU PICKED UP HER PHONE AND DID THAT. >> YES. ( LAUGHTER )
I EXPECTED BETTER FROM ME. I THOUGHT --
>> WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE? WHAT COULD I HAVE DONE? SAY, "KATY, ONE SECOND BUFFER
LEAVE AMY SCHUMER USED YOUR PHONE AND TEXTED YOUR HUSBAND
AND SAID 'I WANT TO HAVE ANAL TONIGHT'." >> YES. >> Stephen: I WASN'T ACTUALLY
THERE. >> YOU WERE GALLIVANTING WITH
BRUCE WILLIS. >> Stephen: ANOTHER ONE OF THE
GLAMOROUS WOMEN OF THE YEAR. ANYWAY--
>> ANYWHO. >> Stephen: YOU ARE FUN TO
HANG OUT. YOU HANG OUT WITH LOT OF FUN
PEOPLE, YOU'RE OPENING FOR MADONNA. YOU'RE HANGING OUT-- NOW YOU'RE
LIKE BFFs WITH JLAW. >> I WANTED TO KNOW WHAT IT
WOULD BE LIKE TO BE FRIENDS WITH THE HOTTEST POSSIBLE VERSION OF
MYSELF. YOU KNOW? I JUST SIT ACROSS FROM HER
HAVING COFFEE, "I COULD HAVE BEEN LIKE THAT." ( LAUGHTER ). >> Stephen: YOU ALSO-- WE HAVE
JAKE GYLLENHAAL COMING ON NEXT WEEK--
>> I HEARD, JAKE-JAKE! I DON'T KNOW. I'VE MET HIM ONCE. I HAVE NO RIGHT. I HAVE NO RIGHT, NO RIGHT. >> Stephen: WE WILL NOW CALL
HIM THAT. >> JAKE-JAKE! >> Stephen: YOU LIVED IN HIS
HOUSE, I UNDERSTAND. >> SHUT UP! >> Stephen: DID HE NOT KNOW? >> NO PERMISSION. YEAH, I HAD NEVER MET HIM BUT HE
WAS REPRESENTING OUT HIS TWO-BEDROOM APARTMENT, AND MY
SISTER AND I NEEDED TO GET A PLACE TOGETHER --
>> SO YOU GO, "JAKE GYLLENHAAL'S PLACE." THAT'S HOW YOU LIVE NOW? >> THAT'S HOW I DO. THAT'S HOW I DO. IT WASN'T THAT EXPENSIVE. YOU KNOW I'M NOT RICH YET. >> Stephen: COME ON! >> I HAVE A WALK-UP. LOOK AT THIS BUTT. LOOK AT THIS. THAT'S A BALK-UP. THAT'S A WALK-UP. WALK UP. IT'S, LIKE, A VERY DISAPPOINTING
ASS, AND I REGRET DOING THAT. ( LAUGHTER ). >> Stephen: NO, NO, NO, I WAS
NOT-- >> I HAVE NO ASS PRIDE. >> Stephen: IT EXCEEDED ME
EXPECTATIONS IN EVERY WAY. >> I WENT THROUGH ALL OF JAKE'S
STUFF. OF COURSE, I DID. ARE YOU SERIOUS? >> Stephen: LIKE THE MEDICINE
CABINET. >> EVERYTHING! >> Stephen: ANY CHOCOLATES FOR
DADDY? >> NO, HE'S IN GOOD SHAPE. THE ONE THING HE DID LEAVE
BECAUSE HE GUTTED THE PLACE, HE LEFT A FROZEN CAKE IN HIS
FREEZER. IT WAS VERY OLD--
>> Stephen: THE CAKE WAS OLD? >> IT WAS AN OLD, FROZEN CAKE,
AND I WOULD GET DRUNK AND I WOULD EAT IT, AND I WOULD TALK
AS IF HE WAS THERE AND I WAS AT THE PARTY THAT THE CAKE WAS
SERVED AT. ( LAUGHTER )
A LOT, AND MY SISTER -- >> WHAT DO YOU-- WHAT DO YOU
MEAN? I'M HAVING TROUBLE IMAGINING
THAT? >> YOU DON'T HAVE TO IMAGINE IT. WE HAVE EYE CLIP. IT SAYS, "HAPPY BIRTHDAY." BECAUSE IT WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY. AND YOU'RE DATING JAKE
GYLLENHAAL, BUT I AM LIVING HERE, AND I AM EATING THIS. ( APPLAUSE )
YOU ARE A PRINCESS. YES, I AM. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) YES, WE CAN. I AM. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ). >> Stephen: THAT WAS
BEAUTIFUL. >> THANK YOU. >> Stephen: THAT WAS
BEAUTIFUL. >> THANK YOU! I'M LIVING A GREAT LIFE. >> Stephen: YOU-- YOU REALLY
ARE GLAMOROUS. >> TAKE THAT, HASSELHOFF. >> Stephen: YOUR HIGH SCHOOL
EXPERIENCE, YOU SAID YOU WERE PROBABLY A HANDFUL. YOU WERE PROBABLY A MONSTER IN
HIGH SCHOOL. >> I WAS A TEACHER'S WORST
NIGHTMARE. >> Stephen: REALLY? >> YES. >> Stephen: ARE THERE ANY
TEACHERS OUT THERE-- I WAS, TOO. >> YOU WERE. I THOUGHT YOU WERE NICE. >> Stephen: I WASN'T SAYING I
WASN'T NICE. I NEVER DID ANY WORK, I JUST
PHONED IT IN. >> YOU'RE A ROLE MODEL. >> Stephen: AM I? >> YEAH. >> Stephen: YOU'RE A ROLE
MODEL FOR WOMEN EVERYWHERE, AND IS MORE THAN HALF THE PLANET. >> DID YOU HEAR THE SADDEST
LITTLE APPLAUSE? ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THAT'S IT. THOSE ARE--
>> WOMEN-- OH... ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: IT'S JUST TOO SAD. >> WAGE GAP. NO PAID PREGNANCY LEAVE. LIKE EVERYONE JUST REMEMBERS
WHEN IT'S LIKE TO BE A WOMAN. >> Stephen: ARE THERE ANY
TEACH EARS ARE THERE TEACHERS IN HIGH SCHOOL WOULD YOU'D TO SAY,
"I'M SORRY" TO? >> OH, SURE. SHOULD I ADDRESS THEM? >> Stephen: I'LL DO ONE--
>> OKAY. >> Stephen: YOU'RE THE GUEST,
YOU DO ONE. >> OH, MY GOD. THANK YOU SO MUCH. OKAY, I'M SORRY, MR. BRESKY,
BUSINESS LAW TEACHER, BUT I WAS NOT INTERESTED IN LEARNING ABOUT
BUSINESS LAW. ( LAUGHTER )
AND THAT'S WHY I OFTEN FOUND EXCUSES TO LEAVE, LIKE, ONE,
TELL YOU THAT I HAD MY PERIOD. AND, TWO, TELLING YOU WHEN A BEE
BLEW IN THE ROOM I WAS ALLERGIC TO THEM AND I HAD TO LEAVE. ( LAUGHTER )
MR. BRESKY. <i>( APPLAUSE ).</i> >> Stephen: PLEASE, ACCEPT
YOUR APOLOGY. >> I'M SO SORRY! SORRY! >> Stephen: OKAY, I'LL DO ONE. THIS IS MR. HUTO, BEN HUTO, WHO
WAS MY CHOIR TEACHER. S AND I WAS A BIT OF A TROUBLED
KID. I REMEMBER HIM WHEN I WAS A
JUNIOR IN IT HIGH SCHOOL, HIM SAYING, "I'D LIKE TO APOLOGIZE
WHEN I WAS A JUNIOR IN HIGH SCHOOL, YOU ACTUALLY TOOK ME
ASIDE AND SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU EVER STUDY OR TRY TO CUT OUT OF
EVERY CLASS YOU'RE IN AND YOU WON'T RESPOND TO ANY TEACHERS
WHO TRY TO HELP YOU?" AND I SAID, "YOUR JOB IS TO
TEACH ME TO SING AND THAT IS IT." >> WHOA! >> Stephen: I WALKED OUT OF
HIS OFFICE. >> YOU'RE DARK! >> Stephen: I APOLOGIZE. >> THAT IS DARK! >> Stephen: I APOLOGIZE. ->> -- APOLOGIZE. THAT WAS TERRIBLE AND I LOVE YOU
AND THANK YOU FOR TRYING TO HELP ME. >> DO YOU LOVE HIM? >> Stephen: UNFORTUNATELY, IT
DIDN'T WORK. I ENDED UP DOING THIS FOR A
LIVING ANYWAY. >> YOU LOVED MR. HUTO. >> Stephen: I DO LOVE
MR. HUTO. YEAH. >> MR. BRESKY, WE'RE FINE. >> Stephen: AMY SCHUMER, I
LOVE YOU SO MUCH. >> THANK YOU.
