THANK YOU! WHAT A NICE GROUP! >> Stephen: THEY ARE. WE'VE BROUGHT IN A NICE AUDIENCE
FOR YOU TONIGHT. >> WOW, THANK YOU, FOR A CHANGE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: I SAID, LET'S GET A GOOD AUDIENCE FOR HER. >> WOW, THANK YOU. FINALLY.
ABOUT TIME. >> Stephen: HOW YOU? I KNOW YOU'VE GOTTEN HAPPINESS
IN YOUR LIFE. CONGRATULATIONS, SINCE THE LAST
TIME YOU WERE ON HERE YOU GOT MARRIED.
GOOD ON YA! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> I CAN NEITHER CONFIRM NOR DENY MY NUPTIALS. >> Stephen: I CAN. NO, I'M NOT SHARING THAT PART
OF MY LIFE ANYMORE. >> Stephen: WELL, I'LL SHARE
IT. I'LL SHARE IT. BECAUSE YOU SHARED THIS. HERE, LOOK AT THAT. >> OH, OKAY. >> Stephen: THAT'S ON THE
BEACH SOMEWHERE -- >> WELL, OTHER THAN THAT,
THOUGH, THERE'S NO PROOF -- >> Stephen: THERE'S NO OTHER
PROOF THAN THIS, YOU GETTING MARRIED. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> OKAY, AT THIS POINT, I CAN CONFIRM, YES, I DID JUST GET
MARRIED. THANK YOU. ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: SOME PEOPLE SPEND THEIR LIVES GOING, I'M NEVER
GOING TO GET MARRIED. OR I'M NEVER GOING TO GET
MARRIED UNTIL I MEET THE RIGHT PERSON. OR NEVER GETTING MARRIED,
WHOOPS, WHO'S THIS GUY? >> I WAS NEVER GOING TO GET
MARRIED. I WAS DRESSING AS A
FORTUNE-TELLER. I DID A BARBARA WALTERS
INTERVIEW ONCE AND SHE SAID WHERE DO YOU SEE YOURSELF IN
FIVE YEARS. I SAID MAYBE DIRECTING. SHE SAID WHAT ABOUT A BABY, A
HUSBAND? I WAS, LIKE, I DON'T KNOW, NEVER
THOUGHT ABOUT THAT. BUT THEN I MET THIS GUY AND I
THOUGHT, I WANT TO PARTNER UP WITH THIS GUY. >> Stephen: WHERE DID YOU GO
FOR YOUR HONEYMOON OR ARE YOU TOO BUSY FOR THAT KIND OF THING? >> NO, I'M NOT BUSY. >> Stephen: I HAPPEN TO KNOW
YOU, YOU ARE CONSTANTLY GRINDING AROUND THE WORLD TO SELL
PRODUCT. >> SIR, I AM NOT CONSTANT WILL
YOU GRINDING, AND YOU WATCH YOURSELF. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT I DO HAVE MY OWN TAINT TEAM. >> Stephen: YOU DO? YES. ( LAUGHTER )
THEY'RE A GREAT, HARD-WORKING BUNCH. >> Stephen: I TRIED TO GET ONE
AND CBS SAID, NOT IN THE BUDGET. >> WELL, INTERNS. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: COLLEGE CREDIT. THAT'S RIGHT. I FORGET WHAT WE WERE TALKING
ABOUT. >> Stephen: TAINTS. TAINT TEAM. >> Stephen: YEAH, UH-HUH. NO, HONEYMOON. >> HONEYMOON. OKAY, SO I HAD NOTHING GOING ON,
HONESTLY, BECAUSE I WORKED SO HARD AND THEN I GOT SICK SO NOW
UM NOT DOING THAT ANYMORE. THIS IS THE NEW ME. WHEN I FOUND THAT NEW MOVIE WITH
GOLDIE HAWN, I GOT SICK. ( APPLAUSE )
>> THANK YOU, ONE PERSON. >> Stephen: ONE
ENDOCRINOLOGIST REALLY WORRIED ABOUT YOU. >> YEAH, SO HE'S A CHEF AND
COOKING IN SONOMA AT SCRIBE VINEYARDS, SO I FOLLOWED HIM
THERE. THEN HE WAS COOKING IN MILAN AND
I HEARD THEY INVENTED PASTA AND WINE, SO I JUST FOLLOWED HIM
AROUND. >> Stephen: YOU WENT TO ITALY
FOR YOUR HONEYMOON? >> YES. >> Stephen: DO YOU ENJOY THE
PASTA AND WINE BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE DENY THEMSELVES. WHAT KIND OF SICK --
( LAUGHTER ) NO. >> Stephen: JUST ASKING A
QUESTION, SOME PEOPLE JUST DON'T DO CARBS. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) JON, COME HERE. JUST HOLD ME. JUST HOLD ME. >> Jon: I GOTCHA. I GOTCHA. >> THANK YOU. ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON. THANK YOU, JON. I DIDN'T KNOW THAT WAS A SERVICE
HE PROVIDED. THANK YOU, JON. I'LL KEEP THAT IN MIND, JON,
YOU'RE VERY GENEROUS. >> THANK YOU, JON. >> Stephen: SO YOU DO THE
PASTA AND THE WINE? >> VERY MUCH SO, KIND OF ALMOST
EVERY NIGHT. ACTRESSES SAY I LOVE
CHEESEBURGERS, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE PASTA AND WINE. >> Stephen: WHICH IS
ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL, BY THE WAY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> WHAT? WHAT? I DON'T KNOW. >> Stephen: HOW LONG WERE YOU
GUYS ON YOUR HONEYMOON, A COUPLE OF WEEKS? >> I DON'T KNOW, TEN DAYS OR
SOMETHING. >> Stephen: OKAY. YEAH, NOT TOO LONG. >> Stephen: I SEEM MORE
INTERESTED IN YOUR HONEYMOON STORIES THAN YOU. ( LAUGHTER )
>> I HATE THOSE STORIES ON THESE SHOWS.
I SAW A DOLPHIN! INTERESTING! >> Stephen: NOT ONE PERSON
EVER SAID THAT SENTENCE. >> WE SWAM WITH THE DOLPHINS,
HERE'S A PICTURE! ( LAUGHTER )
AS ALBRIGHT COMES OUT HERE WITH A DOLPHIN PIC. ( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: I THINK SHE HAS HER OWN TAINT TEAM, TOO. >> OH, YES, SHE DOES. >> Stephen: YES, WITHOUT A
DOUBT. >> IS THIS INTERVIEW GOING TO
AIR? >> Stephen: I DON'T KNOW. IT'S OUR FIRST DAY BACK. SOMETIMES THEY GIVE ME A
MULLIGAN. >> RIGHT. >> Stephen: I WAS JUST OFF FOR
A WEEK. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU WATCHED THE
MONOLOGUE BUT I WAS OFF FOR A WEEK. >> GREAT MONOLOGUE. >> Stephen: THANKS. BACK AT CHA. >> YEAH. >> Stephen: I UNPLUGGED MY
PHONE. DO YOU LIKE TO COMPLETELY LEAVE
THE NEWS BEHIND AND EVERYTHING LIKE THAT? >> YEAH, BECAUSE I GET THE
ALERTS, DO YOU GET ALERTS ON YOUR PHONE? >> Stephen: I GET THEM ON MY
WATCH. THAT'S THE CRAZY PART. >> THEY'RE REALLY ANNOYING TO ME
BECAUSE I THINK I'VE GOT A TEXT AND THEN I'M, LIKE, NO, LONELY. DO YOU HAVE FRIENDS THAT, LIKE,
EVER SINCE WE STARTED GETTING THE ALERTS, I HAVE FRIENDS WHO
JUST FROM THE ALERTS THEY THINK THEY WORK ON THE FLOOR OF THE
"TIMES." THEY'RE, LIKE, TILLERSON'S OUT,
GUYS! LISTEN, SPOTLIGHT, YOU WORK AT
PET CO-. RELAX. RIGHT? ( LAUGHTER )
LIKE THEY HAVE THE SCOOP? >> Stephen: SURE, SURE. MY FRIENDS DO WORK AT THE
FLORIDA TIMES IS THE PROBLEM. >> OH, YEAH, THAT'S PROBABLY
TRUE INTO LET'S TALK ABOUT THE REAL SCOOP. YOU GOT THE NEW MOVIE "I FEEL
PRETTY." >> YES
( CHEERING ) THANK YOU SO MUCH. >> Stephen: I HAVE SOME SENSE
OF WHAT THE MOVIE IS ABOUT. WHAT HAPPENS? >> I PLAY A GIRL NAMED RENEE AND
SHE HAS REALLY LOW SELF-ESTEEM. SHE FEELS REALLY BAD ABOUT
HERSELF. WHEN THE TRAILER CAME OUT, I GOT
NICE BACKLASH WHEN THEY WERE SAYING I WASN'T DISGUSTING IF
YOU HAVE TO PLAY THAT ROLE, AND THANK YOU. BUT IT'S NOT ABOUT AN UGLY
MONSTER, SHE JUST HAS LOW SELF-ESTEEM, AND SHE HITS HER
HEAD IN A CYCLE CLASS AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I SEE MYSELF AS A
SUPERMODEL WHEN I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND I JUST AM READY FOR
MY LIFE TO CHANGE. >> Stephen: WHAT'S HAPPENING
IN THIS CLIP? >> IN THIS CLIP, I HAVE BEEN
SUPER HOT FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS AND I'M KIND OF READY TO ACCEPT
ALL LIFE WILL BRING. IN THIS CLIP I'M IN A
DRY-CLEANER AND THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS.
>> Stephen: OKAY, JIM. JIM, ROLL THE CLIP. WHAT'S YOUR NUMBER? ( LAUGHTER )
>> SO THIS IS HOW IT HAPPENS. JUST LIKE THAT. WOW.
>> JUST LIKE THAT? WHAT HAPPENS? LIKE WHAT? >> THAT IS VERY CLEVER. I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT'S
CLEVER. WHAT IS CLEVER? I'M JUST ASKING WHAT THE NUMBER
IS. >> AND I GO, OH, 118. AND THEN YOU'RE, LIKE, NO, YOUR
PHONE NUMBER. >> OH.
YOU'RE GOOD. HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN HANGING
ON TO THAT LITTLE NUGGET? >> I HAVEN'T BEEN. GO INTO A DRY-CLEANERS AND
HIT ON PERFECT GIRLS? ALL RIGHT. GIVE ME YOUR PHONE I'M GOING TO
GIVE YOU A NUMBER. >> ARE YOU STILL TALKING --
CHICKENING OUT? I'M NOT CHICKENING OUT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen:. A MOVIE CLIP. >> Stephen: EXACTLY WHAT THAT
WAS. >> Stephen: DO YOU THINK THERE
IS SUCH A THING AS HAVING TOO MUCH SELF-CONFIDENCE? DO YOU THINK THAT'S A GOOD THING
OR DO YOU THINK IT GETS TO ARROW ARROGANCE?
>> ARE YOU ASKING FOR YOU? >> Stephen: YEAH. I THINK IT'S GREAT TO HAVE
GREAT CONFIDENCE BUT THERE'S A LEVEL. I'VE HAD SELF-ESTEEM FOR A TIME
AND SOMEBODY LETS YOU KNOW. >> Stephen: YOU HAVE A HUSBAND
NOW. >> RIGHT. >> Stephen: BECAUSE WHEN
YOU'RE MARRIED, YOU SEE EACH OTHER AT YOUR WORST. >> YEAH, AND THAT'S SO COOL
BECAUSE THEY CAN'T LEAVE! >> Stephen: DON'T PUSH IT. ( CHEERING )
SO LOVELY TO SEE YOU. >> GREAT TO SEE YOU. >> Stephen: STAY -- STRONG. ( LAUGHTER )
>> WOW! >> Stephen: YEAH. OKAY. STAY -- YOU. >> Stephen: DON'T -- DON'T
EVER CHANGE. >> CHANGE. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) >> STEPHEN: "I FEEL PRETTY" IS
IN THEATERS APRIL 20. AMY SCHUMER, EVERYBODY! WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
MADELEINE ALBRIGHT. ALL RIGHT?
Amy Schumer is a trash can
A wise man once said, “Why would you say something so controversial yet so brave?”
Amy Schumer on People who 'Don't Do other people's jokes'
She is way funnier than most comedians, although i don't like her which are different things... to me... Hannibal Buress couldn't write a joke in his lifetime for example so he is automatically way less funny. Joe Rogans act is like 1 joke per hour. Fucking keep dragging out those 5 minutes Joe. She probably has better jokes than Bill Burr does nowdays even when he's all about being a self help guy. Idk I think you could direct the hate for being unfunny towards people that deserve it more like Nick Kroll or Eric Andre.