-Good evening. I'm Seth Meyers. And this is "Late Night."
We hope you're doing well. How is everybody doing?
Let's get to the news. [ Laughter ] New York Governor
Andrew Cuomo announced today that he will resign
amid multiple allegations of sexual harassment. And this is, frankly, amazing -- he made the announcement
via book. That's right.
New York Governor Andrew Cuomo announced today
that he will resign amid multiple allegations
of sexual harassment. So tune in to CNN tonight
for -- I don't know -- a rerun of
"The History of the Sitcom"? Cuomo resigned today
after being accused of sexual harassment
by at least 11 women, and that's not even
including the time he sexually harassed all of us. -Seth?
-Yes? [ Laughter ] -I came here today,
um, to hang out. -Yeah.
-And I love your monologues. -Thank you. -But can't we just have
a conversation about the news? -Sure. -Can't we just be, like,
European? -Right.
-You know what I mean? 'Cause in France,
they, like, discuss things. -Oh, I see, so you sort of
feel like the American way to talk about the news
is like joke, joke, joke, but you want
to just slow it down. -Yeah, it's sort of like -- It's very, like, you know,
toxic masculinity. You know what I mean?
-Right. -But let's be -- Let's just
discuss what's going on. Hi, everybody.
-Amy Poehler, everyone. -Hi! [ Applause ] I mean, I'm in New York.
-Yeah. -I'm in New York
for the summer. I love seeing you always,
and I only get to see you often when we're working together
or when I'm doing your show. So, like, let's hang out. Let's take this time.
-Well, you're in New York. And, you know,
I knew you were coming today, but I didn't know
we would have Governor Cuomo resign this afternoon. -Yeah. Cuomo.
Cuomo go-goes. He -- -Cuomo... -Cuomo Go-Go.
-...Go-Go. -Cuo-Go. He went. -He went.
-He went. -I want to run by some of the
ways he says he greets people. -Ooh!
-And I want you to tick -- There were four he mentioned.
I want you to tick if it's okay or if it crosses
the line for you. -Okay.
-Grip of the arm. -I don't like the word "grip."
-Yeah, "grip" is problematic. -That makes me nervous.
-Yeah. Yeah. -Especially --
I bruise easily, too. So any grip is going to
give me a bruise. -Yeah.
-And I don't want to remember that I met you.
You know what I mean? -Yeah.
-Yeah. Okay? So I'm going to say no to that.
-Pat on the face. -I don't like
the word "pat," either. -No. I don't like anybody
touching my face. -You're very particular
about your face. -Inside of the mouth is fine,
'cause that's -- I don't like the dry side.
-Mm-hmm. -But the wet part...
-Yep. The only person allowed to pat
my face is my plastic surgeon. -At the end to see
if it holds -- if it's holding? -"Good job!"
Sticks it together. -"I think we're good." He's like,
"I'm gonna give it a few pats, and then if it holds,
you can go right out." -He's like, "There we go.
It won't fall off." [ Laughter ] -Slap on the back.
-[ Sighs ] Well, I have a more
positive connotation with that 'cause that feels Irish to me. -Right.
-But in this case, it's Italian. -Yeah.
I think of everything we've gone through so far,
slap on the back is the finest. -Although, we've all had
experiences where we've gotten the, like,
angry slap on the back from somebody that's like,
"Good job, buddy!" -Passive-aggressive.
Yeah, where you -- Yeah. So, here's the one that --
He buried this one. -Okay.
-This is the third one he said. Because this was the one --
-He mumbled this one? -Well, this is the one
that he was sort of -- he was referring
to this allegation. Touch of the belly.
He touched a belly. -Oh, that's gonna be a "no"
from me, dawg. -That's a "no," yeah. -That's gonna be a "no" for me.
A belly? -He touched a woman's belly.
-Okay. Bellies -- Any lady will tell you,
a belly is -- You don't -- That's not --
Unless you're -- Unless you're very proud
of your abs. -Right. I, as a man,
I don't like my belly touched. And I've got like a 50-pack.
You know. -[ Laughter ]
-You do. -It looks like bubble wrap. -Well, it looks like a plastic
bag filled with 50 beers. -Right.
-So -- -Yeah. But beer cans.
-Beer cans. Like, that shape. Yeah. Belly.
You know, when you're a woman -- When you're a pregnant woman,
that is a big thing. -He maybe said "stomach."
I'm now realizing this. -Okay, because belly is
very different than stomach. -I don't want to -- Like,
the guy's had a bad enough day. -Okay, but stomach --
-Touched. I mean, it's the same part.
But he did say stomach. -Touched the stomach.
-Touch a stomach. -Yeah, it's gonna be,
again, like -- There's -- Stomach is
a very forbidden place. Like, few people touch
other people's stomachs. -Yeah.
-Unless you're pregnant. And then everyone on the subway
touches you on the stomach. -Right. You're right.
You were New York pregnant. -I was New York pregnant. And people really come
at you like -- [ Breathing sharply ]
Like... They really want to get it.
They really want to get it. -Yeah. I'm gonna tell you this.
-Yeah? -Which is a nice thing that
I hope happens in the future. I would really like --
We're gonna have a new mayor. We're gonna have a new governor.
-Right. -I really want them
to get along. There are a lot of problems
I had with the leadership of this city and this state,
but it really bothered me that the governor and the mayor
didn't get along. -Yeah. I mean, and they can
get along New York style. -Yeah! -Which is, you know, like,
tease each other. -Yeah, get along
"Lethal Weapon" style, where it's like
you're two different people. You know?
They were like the -- They were buddy cops in the
first act of a buddy-cop movie who just never went
to the second or third act. -You're right. Like, they -- It is --
When you have stress in life -- and a lot of families have
a lot of stress right now -- you don't want to also see your
politicians arguing like that. -Yeah.
-That's very true. -I don't think they liked
each other at all. -No. They didn't like
each other at all. -I think de Blasio
is super happy today, in a way
that's maybe a little... I think he should try
to tamp it down a little. -He's probably giving
a lot of slaps on the back. -Yeah. -And he's like, "Sorry
to hear about this, buddy!" -[ Laughs ]
He's like, "Come here. I'm gonna touch some stomachs." -He's like,
"Let me see your stomach! Ohh!" -Hey, while we're talking
about politicians, Obama birthday party. -I'm so glad
I didn't get invited. -Yeah. I thought I was -- And I say this as someone --
-I would never go! -I will say two things. One, not invited. Two, so -- such a bad idea
to have a party like that. -I -- If somebody invited me
to that kind of cool party, I would be like, "No way." -"Not the time or the place."
-I'm so glad I wasn't invited. -All right. Real quick, though.
Let's just pretend. Be honest. I'm gonna pretend to be Obama
right now. [As Pres. Obama]
"Uh, wanna come to my party?" -Sure.
-[Normal voice] Okay. I want to talk
about a new big news story. -All right.
-Because I think it's the kind of story
I want to get your bounce off. -Wait. You have them on cards? -Well, I just wanted
to be ready. -Oh.
-Did you hear about the orangutan who --
-Okay. -All right. So, somebody
in an Indonesian zoo dropped their sunglasses
into the zoo enclosure, and then the orangutans
started putting them on. Have you looked
at the photos yet? -Oh, yeah.
I have a lot of thoughts. [ Laughter ] -So what do you --
You have a lot of thoughts? -Okay. "Accidentally" dropped your
sunglasses in the enclosure? -Okay. I see where
you're going here. -I don't buy it.
-Yeah. -That -- I feel like somebody
threw their sunglasses in to see what
the orangutan would do. -Yeah.
-And I think you might know this about me.
I respect animals. I love animals.
That is -- That is a big animal. I don't like when people
get close to big animals. -Right.
-I don't think -- I don't even really
like zoos. Sorry. But, you know,
I guess you have to have -- I don't know. What's our
zoo take today? But... So I don't like --
I feel bad for animals in zoos. And I don't like
when regular human things interact with animal things. -Yeah.
-So when I saw that, I was like, "She didn't..." I don't know if it was a woman
or man, but let's say she. She didn't drop it
on, like, oops. -You think she saw, like, the
orangutan doing something else. -Yes, and then I get worried
that the orangutan, that this is like --
I'm a little conspiracy theory. That, like, the trainers trained
the orangutan to do that. -[ Laughs ]
-I know. I'm sorry. This is what I think about. -Wait. So -- Wait.
So then was the woman a plant who knew the trainer
and he's like, "Today is..." -I'm worried. To me, it feels -- Look. We're talking about it.
I feel like -- -I'm worried that now pretty
much every zoo in the world, people are just gonna be
walking up to the orangutans. -That's what I mean! Now people are gonna
be expecting that. It always comes back
to I'm afraid someone's gonna hit it with a stick
because they're mad at it. -Hit the orangutan with a stick?
-Yes. I'm afraid. I don't know. -For not wearing
the sunglasses right? -Yes. Now the orangutan has
all this pressure to be like, "Why didn't that one do
the cute thing with the... my iPhone that I dropped
or whatever?" And then they're gonna be
like, "Kill the orangutan!" I don't know. I don't know. But I don't like this story.
You know what? There's something fishy
about that story for me. -There's something fishy
about it? -But I do enjoy -- I do enjoy the orangutan
putting the glasses on. -I mean, this one. This picture.
There's a lot of good pictures. But this one he's
putting them on upside down. -I feel like that was like most of the '70s movies
we watched... -I do.
-...was that. -You know, it's funny, 'cause
I think that there's, you know, a trend of, as we get older,
it's very easy to criticize. Like, "Movies today..."
But you're right that most of the movies
we watched as kids had a monkey
putting on sunglasses. -And you know that I have a --
I also might be a little biased 'cause I have not a great story
from "SNL" about -- I believe it was an orangutan. In a sketch that grabbed --
much like Cuomo! [ Laughter ] Grabbed my arm
and wouldn't let go when I was doing a fast change. -So it wasn't even
during the sketch. -No. I think Jason Bateman
was the host. -Oh, yeah, was it monkeys
throwing poop at celebrities? -That's right.
-Yeah. -And I walked by,
and it made eye contact with me, and it was like --
And it came out of nowhere and grabbed my hand,
and it wouldn't let me go. -I remember it kept shaking
its head shot at you. 'Cause he wanted --
-That's right! -He wanted to meet your agent.
-Yeah. And I was like,
"I can't help you." Yeah. So maybe I -- You know -- I have great respect
for animals. And I don't think anyone or any
sunglasses should go near them. -No. I feel no peace
when I'm in a room with -- -No.
-I -- We don't have animals
on this show anymore. -Really? -Because there was a sloth
on the show. And I was looking
at the sloth -- And it was wonderful.
-Yes. -I mean, again, it -- You know,
seeing a sloth up close. It was a sloth, right? And at some point I was
just looking at the sloth, and I feel like
we made eye contact. And what I read from the sloth
was him saying, "I don't like it here." -Yeah.
-You know what I mean? -Yes. I feel bad for them. -And I think they had told him it was a different
late-night show. -[Bleep] -Like, I think it was dawning
on him that this wasn't -- -He was like, "Oh, this isn't
what I thought it was." He was like, "'Late Night'? Oh. I thought it was
a different late night. -He goes, "I thought it was
the genre of late-night shows. I didn't realize it was
'Late Night,' like, in quotes." -Yeah. Yeah. Well, then --
-He was look-- He was very slow. Again, slowly.
He was looking for The Roots. But it was like this. [ Laughter ] -Yeah. -And you could tell, and
that really hurt my feelings. I guess it's not really that --
I stopped doing it because I -- It was very hard to have
my feelings hurt by an animal. -Well -- Yeah. -Hey, a fish
with human-looking teeth was caught off the coast
of North Carolina. -I don't buy it.
I don't think that's real. -Really? Have you
really not seen this photo? -No. This is a real photo?
-Yeah. Will you be honest...
-Yeah, I'm gonna -- Okay. -...if you think this fish
has human-looking teeth? -Yes, of course.
-Be honest right away. -That's what it's about --
being honest. Hmm... [ Laughter ] It feels like horse teeth. -I think it is more horse teeth
than human teeth. I agree with you.
-What else do we have? -TikTok.
You engage with TikTok. You love it.
-I do love it. -We've talked about it. And
I will admit that I am not -- -I'm too old for TikTok,
I think, but I love it. -So people are eating
frozen honey. Have you seen this yet?
-That is not on my FYP. My FYP is very --
-When you eat frozen honey, it guess it maybe
gives you diarrhea. -And why are they eating it?
Just to see what happens? -I guess to see what happens.
-To get diarrhea. -No, I think the diarrhea
is like, "Uh-oh." -But why were they eating it
in the first place? Just 'cause why not?
-You're on TikTok. Hold on. Let me see. -Let's see what it says. Because that is --
that is specific. -Guy squeezed a frozen bottle
with both hands. Watching the golden goop
come out like toothpaste. Then he took a big sticky --
-Okay, so it's an ASMR thing where they're like,
"Check how cool it looks." -Yeah.
-It also gives you diarrhea. -Yeah.
-Most cool things do. -Yeah, I think
if there's any message we give to the kids...
-Yeah. -What do you --
-I mean, I feel like -- and I think a lot of people
can relate to this -- My For You Page,
TikTok For You Page, really does tell me
where I am, mentally. -Oh, like, mentally.
And what does it currently -- -Right now there's a lot of,
like, sad stuff right now. I got -- I got to put
a little pep in my step. I can tell that I'm low-level
depressed by the fact that I'm watching too much
TikToks of, like, you know, soldiers and their, like, dogs
they've lost in war and stuff. And I'm like I need
to get back to some... -Yeah.
-...honey. -I wasn't watching it
on TikTok, but I feel like this would be
something you'd love. The best thing that happened
in the Olympics was watching families watch... -Oh my God. Incredible. -I mean, the best.
-Incredible. -It's weird to realize,
like, I'm now -- I feel bad
for the actual athlete who's doing all this work, and yet I want to watch
the people watch the athlete. -And I know that there must
have been such a sad moment when the families couldn't
be there in person to see. I can't imagine. But to watch, like,
the Hmong community, Suni Lee's family together, who, like, supported
her gymnastics and they got to be together? Like, being in that crowd.
That must have been... -And there was the swimmer
from Alaska, the same thing. Just, you know, the community.
-Yeah. -Also it's really fun
to watch people, like -- like, a group of people that are
pounding and urging someone on. -Yeah.
-You've seen this. There's a lot of talk about
celebrities not taking showers. -Oh, yeah.
-Have you been following this? -Yeah, I have seen that. -Gyllenhaal not showering a lot. Dwayne Johnson has come out --
three showers a day. -Three a day?
-Yeah. -Well. I mean, it's a lot of body
to wash on DJ. -Lotta Rock.
-Lotta Rock. Um... I feel like I want to get
Judge Judy's take on that. -Okay. -I feel like whatever Judge
Judy says I would agree with. -You would just cede
the decision. -Yeah. I always agree with
her decisions for the most part. But if she said,
"What? Like, who cares? Like, shower whenever you want."
I'd be like, "Of course." And then if she said, "Shower
every day, ya crazy person." You know, I'd be like,
"Judy's right." So I don't have a strong --
I don't have a strong opinion. -What do you think
Judy would say if, um... Cuomo touched her stomach? [ Laughter ] Do a Judge Judy for me
as Cuomo touching her stomach. -I'll tell you something
about Judge Judy that I think she would want everyone
to be reminded of. She keeps it tight.
-Yeah. -So her stomach is incredible! Whoever's touching it. She has the cutest
little chassis! Judy looks --
Judy, you look fantastic! And I don't know
what she's doing. But, damn, she keeps it tight.
That's neither here nor there. But what would she do
if Cuomo -- Oh, boy. This feels like a fun short film
we can make. [ Laughter ] I don't know. Probably be like,
um, "What are you, nuts?" -I think she would just, like,
hit him back in the stomach. -Yep. Yep.
Or maybe she would have a gavel. -Oh, a gavel.
-She'd gavel him. She'd get him right -- She'd
get him right in the gavel. -She'd wait until his hand
went back on a hard surface. -And then she'd gavel the hand. [ Laughter ] Either way --
Either way he would owe her $250 for legal fees.
-Right. Well, I think, if anything,
we've really put a bow on the Andrew Cuomo
governorship. -Yep. Well, what a day.
What a day for him. And thank you.
You know, you guys are always doing your great jokes here,
and they're always great. But, I mean,
wasn't this exciting to have a conversation
about the news? -It was.
I feel like I know -- I feel like more --
I think the audience at home will feel
more enlightened, as well. -Yeah, and, I mean,
much like, you know -- Like, it's nice to have
uninformed, uneducated people come by who don't
really know the news... -Yeah.
-...but have strong -- -Well, I think,
yeah, for the people who are watching this
who don't live in New York, like, this is a lot
of what it's like. It's just the uneducated
and uninformed taking up oxygen
and sharing their opinions. -Yeah, but you're usually
in the line at a deli. -Yeah. -And there might be somebody --
somebody on the floor asleep. -Yep.
-Too. -And then maybe one person
not wearing a mask and causing a bit of a hubbub. -Yeah.
And I'll tell you something. And I know this is
gonna be weird. But my For You Page on TikTok has a lot of people
on airplanes getting taped up. -Yeah.
Duct-taped on a plane. How do we feel about
duct-taped on a plane? -Okay.
And this is gonna be weird. I enjoy being squeezed
and compressed. I like it.
-Yeah. -So there is a part of me --
I do not want to say anything that would make me
get duct-taped. -Yeah. -But could I request
to be duct-taped? Because I would feel so good
in it, if I was all smooshed in. [ Laughter ] I would like the feeling. But I don't want
to have the behavior. So I'm hoping
there's gonna be a -- -I like the idea
that they would land and then, like, the cops
would run on the plane and they'd see you,
and the stewardess would have to be like, "No, no, no!
She asked! It's him." -"She paid extra."
-"She paid extra." -I would love to get
a gentle duct taping with, like, a beautiful
duct tape. Like, that doesn't hurt
when it comes off. -Oh, right, right. Yeah, yeah.
-And a quiet duct tape. Like a lavender duct tape
that's wrapped... And they're like, "Don't bother
her. She's duct-taped." And I'm like, "I'm sorry.
I wish I could talk. But I'm duct-taped to the seat." But, no, that's not good.
That's not good. That's not good behavior. But, you know,
one man's treasure is another man's duct tape.
