- [Mark] All right. Jessica, Jessica, where
where'd you grow up? Where are you from? - Born and raised in
Los Angeles, California. - [Mark] And tell me about your family. You grew up with both of your parents? - [Jessica] No, my mom, but at 17 I left because me and her fought all the time. So, I was on my own since 17. - [Mark] Okay. - And I finished school, and then kind of just... It went left from there. - [Mark] How was... How was, like what kind of
kid were you in high school? - I was good. - [Mark] You were good? - Yeah. - [Mark] Your childhood was okay? Any views? - I wouldn't say that
my childhood was okay because I was with a single
mother that was crazy. But as far as school,
that was my only getaway. So I was good in school. But when school was over, it
was kinda just me, you know by myself and I never
really had any like... like, you know like instructions with life. Like no one's ever like told
me what to do, what not to do. So I kind of just went with it myself. And of course it wasn't the best. - [Mark] Yeah. So after you
left home where, where'd you go? What'd you do? - I was, I've been on the
streets for a long time. I mean, every now and
then I'll kind of pick it up and then I'll go back to drugs and alcohol and then I'll
go back down, you know. - [Mark] When did drugs and
alcohol come into picture? - I would say like
after high school, yeah. - [Mark] After high school? - After high school, yeah. I got into cocaine and the people I was hanging
around they were no good. So, you know, I started like smoking
marijuana and cigarettes and... a few years after, I got into crystal meth and... yeah. - [Mark] Okay. - Alcohol, alcohol is my
biggest problem, right now. - [Mark] Is, is alcohol (inaudible) - It's been my biggest
downfall for all my life. - [Mark] Okay. What were you doing for money
after you left your mom? - Well, I started stripping and then being in the strip
club, you know, I met a guy and he told me he would pay
me more than average, you know if I came with him. So I went with him and then I opened up to
prostitution from there. Cause it was more money. So.... - [Mark] You stripped on the street or... - Yeah. On the street, or online
- [Mark] Yeah. Just however, you know... I could find someone. - [Mark] Just like buying
online stuff now, right? - Yeah, and a lot of times I was using the strip club to find guys because that's the easiest way, you know? - [Mark] Sure. - So yeah, like I got into that lifestyle and it was no good, like,
you know, like it's that that lifestyle is very,
very rough, you know? - [Mark] What age did you start stripping? - I was 17.
- [Mark] 17? - Yeah. - [Mark] Okay. - And I started like
escorting in prostitution I would say maybe it was like
right before I had my son. So I would say like, like 20. Like around 20 I started getting around and then I moved to Vegas and that was the
biggest downfall that I had of all of life, because Vegas
is nothing but prostitution and stripping and pimps
and just all of that. So yeah. I was in Vegas and times
got tough out there. So I started, you know, getting
into, I had this guy and he he was a pimp, but he didn't
label herself as that. He labeled herself as like my boyfriend. - [Mark] Right. - But he was like, pimping me, I guess if that's what you want to say. And I, I don't know. I've just been vertebral my whole life so I kind of just go with the flow. And, yeah. Just... he would like, he started like putting his hands on me and stuff and it became like visceral... Visual... visuable, to like where you could see it on
my face, my lips, my eyes - [Mark] Like he beat, beat you up? - Yeah. So, I thought that was love. So I dealt with it for a
long time, but after so long you know, I kind of like left him and then I was just on my own. For the most part, I really was like doing
these things because I don't have family. So I had no one, like I
literally have nowhere to go. So I have these guys, they are helping me. So I just dealt with
it for the time being. (sobs) - And yeah. (sighs heavily) - Yeah. So that's that's a lot that has to
do with my homelessness. And you know, just me kind
of just allowing to be used because I have no one, you
know, I don't have family. I don't have no family. Like absolutely no one. Like... - [Mark] I mean, your mom is still alive? - My mom's alive, but she's just her. We've never really gotten along. And my dad he's left us when I was six. - [Mark] Do you have
contact with your mom still? - Yeah. I have contact
with her, but we don't... We can literally be with
each other maybe a day. And after that it's like we just start fighting and I just leave. - [Mark] And no siblings? - Yeah. I have brothers
and sisters, but they, like we all kind of do our own thing. We're all older now. So we kind of do our own thing. - [Mark] Yeah. - They stay with my mom. When I left at 17, they were with my mom. They stay with my mom. And, yeah. Now they are just, they just do whatever. I don't know. - [Mark] So, so after Vegas... - So yeah. After Vegas, I mean, I was
just in and out of jail. I had a lot of like cases on me for like just cause I started like getting into alcohol
really, really bad. So then I started getting a lot of cases with being publicly intoxicated or being found on the street passed out because I drunk so much
like waking up in hospitals not knowing what happened. And they telling me that they
just found me on the ground. Yeah. And so after, after
so many times of being in jail in Vegas, I just
kind of came back out here. And then when I came back
out here, I gave a few of my family members a chance and he fucked me over, and I ended up back in jail over an argument that
was, it was really petty. And then I guess after so many times of being in jail, the judge
is, was telling me, you know like if I want to live my
life and not be in jail I have to get a job. So, you know, I went, got a job, and I mean, I'm working
now, but I'm still homeless. I'm still sleeping in cars. You know, it, sometimes
it gets even so hectic that I have to sleep in
like a 24 hour laundry mat. You know? - [Mark] So you say
you're homeless right now? - Yeah. - [Mark] Where do you stay? - I just kind of stay
wherever, wherever I can. Like right now I currently sleep in my cousin's car or when he
goes to work, I just, I just I got like a membership at Planet Fitness so I could have somewhere
to go and shower. - [Mark] Yeah. - But... - [Mark] In what neighborhood
did you tend to sleep? - Like Inglewood.
- [Mark] Okay. - Inglewood area. Yeah. It just... this is just the life I have to live. I have no, no hope, you know? I mean, my job is like the only
thing that I have, you know I have my son, but I don't, you know, he's with his dad, so... - [Mark] Where are you working now? - Right now I'm working at a pizza place. - [Mark] Okay. So stripping
and escorting is kind of... - I mean... it's, it's not, I mean, I,
I don't want to get back in trouble, but I do kind of
still do it, you know, as far as stripping, it's a
little different out here in Los Angeles. So I like, it's like a job now. So like I would have to
sign a W2 and everything. So I don't really do that. But as far as like prostitution,
you know what I mean? It's still there when it's needed. It's needed always, you know. - [Mark] Yeah. - I don't really have any bills, luckily, you know, but I need to live. - [Mark] So stripping, stripping in Vegas is
different than stripping in LA? - Yeah. Stripping in Vegas you... all you need is your Sheriff's license or your Sheriff's card. And once you get your Sheriff's card then you could just work and you get paid, whatever you get paid. It's like free hand. Out here you have to
sign like an application and you work certain amount
of days, certain amount of hours, you get paid hourly
and they take everything. They take all your
money from you out here. And the only money that
you take home is your tips which is nothing nowadays because there's so many girls out here. So kinda like gave the, you
know, the strip club a break. And I mean, prostitution
is just easier, you know for someone like me. So, it's just, you know. - [Mark] Great. - Yeah. - [Mark] So you have a, a daughter? - No, I have a son.
- [Mark] You have a son? - Yeah.
- [Mark] And where is he? - He's with his dad. - [Mark] His dad? - Yeah. - [Mark] So you're kind
of without any family? - Yeah, I have no one. - [Mark] Do you have contact
with your, with your son? - Yeah, I talk to him, yeah. - [Mark] Okay. - I don't, I don't see him as much because I don't want
him to see me like this, you know, but we talk. - [Mark] Yeah. - He's, he's old enough
now to like call me and he has a phone, so he'll text me. - [Mark] Right. - But, but yeah, we don't, I don't really see him as much as I should
because of my situation. - [Mark] Yeah. What are
your plans and goals? Do you have anything? - I do. I, I really want to start
a cleaning business. I've been saying this
for like two years now so I need to like really get
on my feet so I can start it. But, yeah. And then also like, I really love cooking. So I do want to open a restaurant,
you know, long-term goal. My short term goal is to
start my cleaning business. My long-term goal is to open a restaurant. - [Mark] Okay. - So, yeah. - [Mark] And then, what are the upsides and
downsides of sex work? Do you, do you find it
like you get depressed after doing it for a while or
does it affect you personally? - Yeah. - [Mark] Or does it affect relationships? - You said sex? - [Mark] No, sex work. I mean like whether-
- Oh, sex work. it's stripping or... stripping or... - Yeah. I don't, I don't have any friends. I don't have any family. It kind of messes a lot up, I mean and not only that, like my, my alcohol I have a really, really
bad alcohol problem. So that just messes up a lot in my life. No one wants to be around me. - [Mark] Does drinking make
the, the sex work easier to do? - Oh, I feel disgusted. Before it, during it, after it I'd never stopped thinking about it. It's, I hate it. Like, it's just, it's just like I just feel like it's the
easiest way to not think about things, you know, not think about my problems
and get money as well, you know?
- [Mark] Yeah. - So, you know, I just deal with it. It, I don't like it at all. Like I'm not happy. I'm not proud of who I am. It's just kind of, you know I guess I just see it as a part of life. I try to like, stay humble
and just do what I have to do. - [Mark] Yeah. Do you think
your childhood kind of set you up for... - Definitely. - [Mark] for this kind of life? - Yeah. I mean, I just, like I've never like had anyone,
you know, like I don't I don't know if you understand
what I mean by that. Like, I don't have anyone, so... I just kinda feel like I just do what I feel like I should do. And, I'm very vulnerable. I listen to whatever anyone says. So it's just so that, "You can make this much money doing this." And I'll just do it, you
know what I'm saying? And... - [Mark] Do you think that maybe it comes from not having a dad around that - Yeah. - [Mark] would give you the role model of a guidance or that? - Maybe, I mean, as I get
older, I'm starting to realize that that might be the reason. I never really looked at it like that when I, you know, before. Now it's kinda like, maybe
that might be the reason. - [Mark] How old are you? - I'm 29. - [Mark] 29. How old is your, is your son? - He's, he's seven. - [Mark] Seven. - Yeah. He'll be eight this year. - [Mark] And your relationships with men or you've had success or, or... - No.
- [Mark] No? - Not at all. I don't know. I guess I have like a smart mouth. I just have a lot of anger
in me, so I guess it shows and a lot of people don't
want to be around it. So a lot of times with men,
I just, it doesn't work. And then with friends, I
just, it, it never lasts. - [Mark] Yeah. The, the alcohol problem. - The alcohol problem just
is just like the cherry on the pie is just, just
makes everything worse. - [Mark] Yeah. Do you, do you feel like the relationship that
your siblings have with your with your mom is something
that you envy or wish you had? - I mean, yeah, of course. I've always wished I like had
family and like, just like I always wish I was loved. So yeah, my mom, I don't
know why she like chooses... I mean, I kind of know
why she chooses to like pick them over me, you know? Cause I, I mean we get
into it all the time. Even when I was young, we've
always argued and had problems but like, she's like still to
this, you know, in these days like she still just really, like she just like, she hates me. She tells me this all the
time that she hates me. She wished she never had me. She always favoritizes them. She helps them out, you know. She doesn't really help me out. I'm her oldest. I don't understand why. And maybe that's why. Cause she feels like I
should already be good but I was never taught to be good. So I don't know where to start. And it's like everyone tells me like you're
older, you're, you're grown. You should know better. And it's like, you don't understand. And like it's hard to know
better, cause you don't know. I don't know. I don't... It's like every time I
think I know, I'm wrong. So... I'm just like stuck. - [Mark] What, what was the,
the lowest point in your life? - Now. - [Mark] Right now? - [Mark] And what, what was
the best part of your life? - I would say... I can't, I can't answer that. I don't know. I've had a really like tough life. It's like every time I
think everything's good, then something else happens. - [Mark] Yeah. - So, I don't know. I don't really have any like
happy, happy times in my life. - [Mark] Your childhood was not magical? - No, it was horrible. So, I don't know. - [Mark] Was there any abuse,
child abuse, sexual abuse? Abuse of anything while you were young? - Yeah. I mean child
abuse no, sexual abuse I guess you could say that like mentally and physically, yeah. Mentally, yeah. - [Mark] What, what kind of sexual abuse (inaudible) - I mean... I mean, I guess like the whole pimping thing
I would say kind of, I mean cause he claimed to be
my boyfriend, you know we were having sex. Everything was like, we were together but I was having sex with other people for money.
- [Mark] Yeah. - So, I felt like I should go have sex, you know I should go have sex with him so I could go have sex
with others to get money. I don't know. I just really wasn't like aware, you know I thought that that's
what I was supposed to do. - [Mark] Yeah. And
this, this was in Vegas? - Yeah. - [Mark] And was, was he
like a violent pimp or... - I mean... - [Mark] Did he you intimidate you or... - I didn't think he was until
he started putting his hands on me and it was kind of like I was just already in the situation. So I just dealt, I just dealt with it, but he does, he doesn't come off like he's a woman
beater, but yeah, he was. Like more like maybe like months into the relationship. I started to realize like, he's crazy. He doesn't care about life. He doesn't care about anyone
but himself, you know? - [Woman] So, were you scared to leave? - Yeah. - [Woman] Is that why you stayed so long? - Yeah. I was, I was definitely scared to- - [Mark] I'm sorry. Let me ask that. Because otherwise it
looks like these like, " Where are these voices coming from?" - [Woman] Can I ask her one more question? - [Mark] Yeah. - [ Woman] My next question is like when you were bringing him money did that make him feel did that make you feel like he loved you? - Yeah. - [Mark] All right. So let, let me ask that
and then we are done. So, so were you scared to
leave that relationship? - Yeah. I was scared. I didn't know what he would do if I left. Cause I was making him a lot of money, so and he would always say that, like, "You are never leaving me,
you are never leaving me." And so, yeah. Can I ash on the floor? - [Mark] Yeah, just on the floor is fine. But you would bring him the money? All of it? - Yeah. Every single penny. - [Mark] You give him the
money and he provides what? - He just provided a
house and food for me. And like, maybe he'll buy
me like clothes and stuff but I gave him everything and I just feel like, I dunno, I just like, at the at the time it kind of
just made me feel like that's what I was supposed to do. It made me feel good. Like, "Here." You know, especially when I came back with a lot of money, I was really happy. Like "Here." You know, he was happy, I was happy. - [Mark] Yeah. - So it worked. - [Mark] Did he provide you with drugs? - I mean marijuana. I, the whole drug thing I did on my own. - [Mark] Okay. - Yeah. So... - [Mark] And alcohol was
part of your life then? - Yeah. Alcohol is still part of my life. It's still messing me up. I don't know. I mean, I know I should go
to AA, but it's just hard. I can't, I just can't
walk into the building. I don't know why. I just can't like, I won't let myself. - [Mark] Until you're ready. - Until I'm ready, I guess. It's like, I'm tired of waking up in hospitals and, and all these dumb things all the stupid things that I've done, but I just don't want to give it up. You know? I don't know why. I just don't. I feel like it's like a band-aid. It like helps me get over all the things that I'm going through. Like if I was sleeping in the
car, sober, I'll go crazy. But if I'm sleeping in a
car and I'm drunk, I'm fine. You know? So it was more so just, it's just like, it's just my exit out of life. I just try to like exit everything out and I just run to alcohol. And it's really, really bad right now. Like I've lost everything. - [Mark] Do you feel like if you, if you had a little more stability in your life, if you had
housing or something like that you might be able to have a
better chance of getting clean? - I just, honestly I pray. I just hope for a miracle. That's exactly why. I mean, I feel like maybe if I had
support, I probably would it would be easier for me
to go to AA or, you know, get over my addictions, but I don't. And I don't I don't like want to beat
myself up for that, but I do. I can't help it. - [Mark] How bad has it gotten? - [Jessica] I've, I've
checked in a hospital saying that I want to commit suicide. I've had a lot of suicide
thoughts that I'm just not strong enough to do it. It's just hard, like, like
I have zero confidence. Like there's no confidence at all. Like it's hard for me to be like, Yeah, care about yourself. Like, do this for you. Like I'm so used to
doing for everyone else. - [Mark] You just have to
give yourself the same care and love that you give
to those around you. - I'm trying so hard. I just don't know where to start. It's like, I hear that all
the time, but it's like... (sobs) - [Mark] It doesn't change quickly. It takes some time and effort. - I really hope so. Because I feel so hopeless right now. It's like, I do have friends
that tell me these things but you know, it's like,
I, I, I feel it, you know when we're talking about it,
but when I'm like by myself I'm back to like, you
know, like the regular. - [Mark] So it's harder when you're alone? - Yeah. I don't like being alone. I go crazy when I'm alone. And yeah, I just, I don't know. I, I really, I just, I don't know. Like, I feel like I don't know what it feels like to be loved but I do have people that love
me, but I just don't feel it. And I feel like I don't feel
it because I don't love myself. So, I, I don't know. It's just hard. Like, I don't know. It's like people think
I need AA, but I just think I need maybe like counseling or like a therapy or something. Maybe I need to talk to someone, you know to figure out what it is that
I'm, that I'm doing wrong. Because every time I think
I'm doing something right then something else comes
and I'm doing it wrong. So, yeah. I just knew I was going to
cry because I didn't like this is not something that I, I I talk to people about, you know. Kind of needed this. Yeah. - [Mark] All right Thank you, Jessica.
