Borderline Personality Disorder Woman-Shawna

all right shawna hello shawna where'd you grow up where are you from i am from detroit michigan um i grew up on the east side of detroit really more so towards like middle school late elementary i moved to a mile and mountain in the warren area that's really where i made like most of my friends and whatnot but um been in michigan ever my whole life honestly and tell me about your family you had mom and dad yeah i um live with both um i had both in my life the whole time um yeah both parents in my life um it was it was good at first like i had a really good sense of family you know being biracial you know i feel like i got a really good um sense of diversity in my life i feel like that played a big part in my um like played a big role in my life um it was good you know we grew up pretty decently wealthy like my grandma went to work my mom went to work like my dad you know y'all were living comfortably it really wasn't until i'd say like middle school it was it kind of just went downhill um unfortunately drugs got a hold of um my family like you know pills um opiates more so and uh yeah we've kind of shifted apart and haven't really been the same since uh you know my parents are still together but it's definitely not the same we're small i feel a little it feels a little broken sometimes for sure but um but no like serious abuse in your childhood no not serious like abuse i never got like you know beat on or nothing like that you know i got disciplined when my parents felt accordingly but it wasn't nothing crazy or nothing how school um one more time how far did you go in school um i graduated school i finished i didn't go to college but uh that just wasn't really working for me yeah what kind of work have you done um for so when i was in like you know not elementary high school i was doing like fast food retail as i got older and as my social anxiety kind of gotten a little worse by time i stopped wanting to do sales and um one day i found myself in 2019 being a dancer and that was kind of my job for like good two years until um covert hit at a strip club yeah yeah strip club after our suites um we didn't really dabble into the extras but you know don't shame on it either i have you know i know people who do that and they get their money they live their best life but i was more so into the dancing like i just danced it was it was cool you know i was with friends i had some it was actually pretty decent i definitely don't knock the dancing game i actually enjoyed it it was pretty cool it just had some of its uh you know it's cons it's not the best environment to always be around it can mess with your self-esteem they don't tell you that some nights you don't make any money at all if you know it's one of those nights so that also used to bum me out mess with my self-esteem and yeah it had those moments but all in all it got the job done paid the bills that drugs are a part of your life yeah um again somewhat are i've definitely slowed down a lot but back yeah really when i was dancing when i got more into it you know you're around all of that stuff how old do you know i'm 22. so i started when i was 19. yeah 2019 i started um yeah i i was around all of that you know i wasn't crazy with it you know i wouldn't say i was addicted to it or nothing like that you know i see my family go through addictions and i know that's not what i wanted to be so i definitely um would have my limits with it but i you know i did a lot i was you know doing coke a lot i was doing a lot of um e like i try molly sometimes uh definitely slow down a lot like i don't really it's just not something i want to cope with all the time i want to learn how to cope with my mental health in different ways but um yeah that was definitely a big part of my life i slowed down a lot and uh it's more so like a party once a while social thing for me um shrooms is kind of more so my like my thing my medicine i know some people like to call it which i would too personally you find them helpful very much so i think i like i'm very spiritual so i feel like it answers questions that i feel like i really need answered sometimes i feel like i see things um what they're for at times mushrooms to help you see things from a totally different perspective yeah absolutely yes something sticks with you after you're off them yeah honestly yes personally it does some people may feel different but honestly most who've done it would probably say the same thing yeah i've seen things from a different perspective like i had a trip where i really realized i had childhood trauma and i don't know why it was that trip i was listening to a kendrick lamar song and i just i don't know i realized i needed like to work on my childhood traumas and it still has stuck with me and it kind of i don't know it was like a relief to know that that was one of the things kind of also hindering me the things i went through as a child and a teenager you know so i definitely think that helps a lot and you discovered it at a certain age that you you're struggling with a borderline personality disorder yeah i noticed honestly i my attention my intentions my um emotions were intense when i was like younger but you know i just thought i was a real over-emotional child you know just sensitive kind of just brushed it off it really wasn't until like high school i've noticed it was extreme like it was pretty bad and you know unfortunately growing up like in like with my parents i didn't really get the help that i needed it kind of got brushed off the shoulder mentally they weren't the best to me all the time unfortunately still love them still care about them still see them but uh they weren't the best emotionally and mentally so that also kind of made things worse and not better and i finally decided to get like a professional opinion and when i was 18 i went to my psychiatrist and yeah she pretty much summed it up for me which i kind of had a feeling that's why i wanted to say something but yeah found out 2018 um i'm intrigued taking trintellix but that's not really the best i don't know medicine has not been my thing it's like something telling me to not take it like i don't know if it's my depression if it's some i i don't know like my subconscious i i don't know but it's really hard for me to take medicine like so hard and a lot of people tell me you know well it'll help you got to keep taking it but i don't want to i don't know why you backed off from taking the medication yeah i feel like i should be able to do like figure out on my own like it kind of makes me feel not normal like i know that's weird to say like it's medicine like a lot of people take it but it just doesn't make me feel normal and i already don't feel normal so i feel like medication kind of makes it real like is real for me but it really just kind of makes it more real for me if that makes sense so like anxiety depression anger do you go through any of that all three like i don't even know which it's different days are worse um yeah it just depends on would you describe you um i think he would describe me as i don't know i definitely have talked to him about these things before i told him i feel like my mental health has been a problem i feel like it slows him down or it holds him back um he seems to disagree he seems to you know feel like he's something he can be around he seems to think that i'm not that person i have imaged in my head i think i'm crazy sometimes it makes the relationship exciting i'm sure right yeah is it your instability that is the biggest issue yeah i think it's really my instability um like my slip like i don't like how i can slip so switch so quickly and so aggressively and so intensely and i really feel like it's a problem like i'll i don't know i'll just be sitting there chilling and having a decent time smoking my weed trying to relax and like i'll hear something on the tv that like triggers me like a trigger word like i don't like i don't know something that triggers me and i get like really in a weird mood like i just get like an attitude i get groggy like if i feel like i didn't do enough that day or didn't go up and do like orders delivery orders or try to make any money i feel lazy i feel ashamed i i get upset you know i start screaming trying to toss stuff around the house because my house isn't clean and it's like a domino effect and then it's just at its peak and i it's so hard to calm down and i i don't know it's just hard to calm down i feel like sometimes you know he doesn't even know what to do and it makes me feel really bad like when it's all said and done when i kind of snap back into it i feel horrible like i feel really horrible like it's terrible i hate feeling like that i feel like i just lost it and it's not a good feeling and has there been good points in your life but it hasn't been a problem or has it been steadily definitely um i find it more so like when i'm you know doing something like going on a trip i haven't really traveled much but when i do little trips like to chicago or to ohio i find myself more at peace like being away you know from the state i feel like being here kind of plays a big part too yeah traveling really i feel like eases it um just going outside just like having a good time being like young enjoying my youth like doing things that i feel like you should do in life kind of make me feel better and some days like if you're stimulated you kind of yeah fails whatever void you're frustrated and angry absolutely when i feel like when i'm doing something like and at home you maybe get bored yeah i think that's really it too i think i'm at home i get bored i don't know what to do like i'm having a really bad uh time in my life trying to find out what i want to do for my career and um you know i don't know what to do i don't know what to get into i don't know where to start and being at home kind of solidifies that because i feel like i kind of just sit at home all day and sleep and smoke and watch tv and cry and it's like no one wants to do that it's annoying it's frustrating and i find myself yeah when i go out it's better but lately i've been finding myself getting bored even going out like i'll be out and you know detroit is so small like there's only so much to do and so much drama here someone's always shooting or ruining something or someone's fighting so it's hard to even enjoy myself like now hanging out with my friends or you know my boyfriend or whatever and it's like even that's like a problem for me and i found myself wanting to go home early not enjoying myself and um yeah sometimes it feels like it's getting worse like i feel like you know some days i'm feeling better i can do more things like it's not affecting me i had a good day and then other days i feel like a rock like i can't do anything and yeah it's it's pretty i don't know it's lonely it's hard to feel like um it's hard to get anybody to try to understand and it's hard to relate you know people will say yeah you know i have depression anxiety i feel it but i genuinely just don't think like a lot of my close friends have that the intenseness of it like i do you know what's the most extreme it's gotten for you um i'd say honestly when i get really i think the one of the most extreme times is when i got into it with my boyfriend at one time and um it was just it was you know it was going through a lot we hit a rough patch we just moved into our apartment you know it was just kind of just trying to settle into the apartment you know it was a lot of i had a lot of friends over just doing stupid stuff and um you know he found himself getting a little frustrated and we just you know argued a lot and one night i it was just a really bad argument and i remember just blacking out i remember like half naked trying to pull him back into the house and just screaming at the top of my lungs trying to get him to stay and just looking looking insane throwing stuff breaking doors outside trying to pull him back in the house because he wanted to get some air wasn't even going nowhere you know someone called the cops um they lied they said he tried to pull me up the driveway but i can assure you that did not happen that was me trying to pull him back in the house and um yeah it was just really it's really ugly um i've also had some moments with my parents like i ran away one time like 4am i was tired i just was really frustrated and angry packed my stuff and i just walked all the way to my grandma's house and she stayed a little distance it showed up at what age um it got worse i'd say once we honestly moved from warren to 23 miles so that would be sixth grade um that's when i've noticed like my anxiety kind of peaking like i was in a new school it was hard for me to make friends um that i was in a different environment you know i was around a more mixed crowd of people in school like a more diverse crowd like my neighborhood was really mixed and um i was used to that and then growing up in a predominantly like white neighborhood where they have nice houses and they think they're better than you and you live in a rinky-dink apartment out there like yeah it was it was hard um you know we got like called the eight mile crew and stuff like it was you know it wasn't the best and you know i feel like my parents didn't quite understand how hard that transition from those two different environments were for me and i think that also kind of helps like stem the um just the anxiety from going to school like i was just didn't talk as much i was noticed i was more scared to be myself i noticed like i would lie about stupid stuff to try to like fit in and make friends um yeah i just noticed my behavior was different like i really wasn't the same and when i tried to express this to my parents it kind of you know my mom had her own issues going on so i don't think she was emotionally available to be there for me and my dad worked a lot so i don't think he was either quite so he definitely tried but you know him and my mom argued a lot so i just don't think they were emotionally available to be there for me and you know it's you know i grew up you know and i'm learning to deal with that and handle my own things and again i still love them i still see them you know i took my break from them we had some issues when i first graduated but um it's okay now so that definitely really uh started to show then and i seemed like it's gotten worse i just feel like i've some days are a little more easier to cope with than others now rather than it like actually healing i find it hard to actually heal i find myself coping more are there other people in your family yeah i have um two brothers other people that have the same issue oh they have the same issue um my grandma has um you know i i don't think she has borderline but she does have really bad depression and anxiety um like even now unfortunately it breaks my heart but um you know she's going through it now like her my grandpa got her divorce and she's her her dog she feels very alone you know she's done a lot for us like the family in general and i feel like you know she doesn't get enough recognition and i this makes me sad for her but yeah she's always had that she grew up in a really rough household um she she she had a pretty bad um and yeah definitely seeing her going through those kind of made me realize i where i kind of get it from i do think i definitely get it from her you know my mom would always tell me not to be like her and always make little side comments but i definitely see um that in her my mom kind of has it sometimes like she'll have her moments where she feels you know depressed but i definitely don't think it's on me and my grandmother's level like she honestly gets depressed when she's like in pain or something like like i don't know you know she takes pain pills for her pain and you know whatever and i think that's really when she gets the most depressed and upset grant she's had her moments like she just broke her wrist and that bothered her you know stuff like that but no definitely i don't think she understands absolutely not do you feel like you're just different than everyone else yeah i've always felt like that i've always felt like it was hard for me to get along with my family i feel like it was hard for me to keep friendships and like relationships like i feel like i push people away a lot i know i do i don't mean to and i try to explain my best to people is it like you're self-sabotaging or self-destruct i i do feel like it's self-sabotage it feels like it's something like bad like i want to say i have like voices but this feels like an evil little voice just always telling me to like stay away from people you know people don't it's like always it's like your own you're your own bully like it's always something telling you not to be happy like i'll try to get motivated and get excited about something and it's like something in my brain will make me not be happy about that no more um like my brain really like downplays my happiness it's like it's hard you know to for me to even find happiness it during like the day over little stuff you know like it seems like the only time i'm really happy is when i'm rolling a blunt because i'm not stressing no more like it's no one's to feel like that's [ __ ] what do you worry about what are you afraid of in your life um i'm afraid that i'm not going to be able to be who i want to be i'm afraid i won't be successful i'm afraid i won't find myself and i'm afraid that thought alone will hurt my like i will hurt myself one day like i you know tell my boyfriend often like one day i think i'm really gonna do like hurt myself like it's it's building up you know like i've only had one attempt in suicide when i was younger and my parents didn't take too kindly for that so i didn't really have another one just more so thoughts but um it's getting more there it's more intense it's more in the back of my mind it's pretty heavy some days and you know i go on social media and i see people you know that i know or just people in general doing things that i want to do doing things that i love you know modeling acting like doing all these things i wish i could pursue and it's like a smack in the face like i helps i feel like i help so many people like i really do have a good heart i feel like i'm a pretty good friend and i it's like a slap in the face you know especially you gotta understand that the social media is this distorted view of everyone's life yeah it is and that's why i try to tell myself i really do i really do try to tell myself that but you know somebody posts they're they're real yeah you know they're real they're you're seeing the worst of the work the best of the best exactly and yeah that's what you know i tell myself that's what a lot of people tell me too and i don't know i know that's true but i guess it's like what if i could really live that i don't know what if i could really live that life like why i don't want to be so normal like living such a mediocre life like i see my family do that like i want to do something better like i want to get us out of poverty like i want to take care of the people i love and you know people have done a lot for me regardless of the [ __ ] i've gone through and i feel bad that i probably won't be able to take care of my grandma grandmother before she passes away or i can't take care of the people i care about because like i can't get it together and i feel like my mental health really is blocking that like i cannot get it together and it's hard like it's hard you know i had to delete all my social media like even now i'm not on it because of that reason like i can't seem to make it make sense to me like it's just social media like i can't get that through my head so i had to take a break from that um yeah i just really needed a pause on that for a minute because it's you know modeling and all of that because it's really been an issue i think it's really me needing to like get myself together and find out what i want to do and i'm scared i won't be able to do that in the mind state that i'm at right now you feel like it's just a just something you were born with and you just you have to fight against it yeah yeah definitely i do feel like it was something i was born with and it's just something i'm gonna have to live with and deal with and that thought also scares me like i cry because i don't want to pee like i want to live like that every day like i don't want to feel like i rather be dead like every day every other day like it's horrible like no one wants to feel that way especially when it's like not even anybody specifically making you feel that way it's you like how do you win that battle you know realistically i know i probably should take my medication and i probably should take help serious more serious but i don't know it's it's hard it's it's hard it's like what can a therapist do what do they understand i feel like like what can medicine do for me for real is it almost like the the borderline mindset that you have keeps you from taking the medication yeah i definitely don't have the third line yeah yeah i definitely it's like the problem itself is causing the problem yeah pretty much yeah my mind won't yeah bro it won't let me do it it's like you don't need that you know like no like this is how you're supposed to be like you're supposed to feel this [ __ ] up like you don't need that to feel better like no you you need to feel bad like this it's like my mind feeds like off that negativity sometimes and it's like disgusting almost like it's like who am i like what is like seriously like i literally just want to have a decent day in my own mind is i can't even take medication because my mind is trying to tell me this is how i'm supposed to be you know like it's like nothing in my life there's no voice in my head telling me that it's okay to take this and it's okay to be happy it feels like there's i'm not allowed to be happy and i don't know why i've always kind of felt like that since do you have some good days i have i have some good days yeah um you know i try to find the good days and little stuff now like if i have enough money to get something like one of my favorite foods i find that a good day if i got to see the water you know i find that a good day now if i didn't like have some stupid interruption and i really think it's just again my intense emotions making days bad too but you know yeah every time i feel like there's like just nothing in the way nothing bothering me like nothing stopping me from having a good day no triggers then yeah but you know all of those things like you know it can be hard to like stay happy like i get frustrated during the day really quickly like if like on the way here it was really bad traffic and it was really irritating me like i was starting to get anxious like this traffic is too much like it's like i can never have a decent day i can never have a good day like it's always something like if a tire went flat and we were on the way somewhere that probably ruined my entire day like we we could have a great day now we have a flat now i'm irritated and now i just want to go home like it's kind of like that you know and it's hard for me to have good days but i've really been working on it because i need those good days i really do tired of having bad days like i'm i'm tired of feeling like this but it's you know it's not something you can just shut off as easy as i will as much as i wish i could just turn it off and just be you know normal it's not does not work like that at all so um again yeah really more so learning how to cope so i can learn how to heal better for sure so yeah all right shauna thank you so much for sharing your story thank you yeah i wish you the best of luck thank you i appreciate it you deserve you deserve to be happy yeah thank you i feel like almost anyone everyone deserves to be happy and anyone going through mental health i i feel it like sucks but yeah i agree we all deserve to be happy i think in the short life that we're living all right thank you you

Channel: Soft White Underbelly

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Length: 28min 59sec (1739 seconds)

Published: Fri Jul 22 2022