After Love | Finances | S2 E2 | The Black Love Doc After Show

yeah people have this wrong i don't know idea that you know you're going to be able to figure this out individually you know what i mean without having a third party come in and try to sort through it's you know uh that is experience with seeing where the hiccups are yeah man because you know you got two people in the room one's blood is one chris we just gonna keep banging and using somebody somebody's not gonna oh somebody ain't gonna survive yeah [Music] welcome to after love the official black love after show i am cody lane oliver co-creator of black love and director of black love and i am with two beautiful couples from our latest episode watched tonight when two become one finances finance i think am i the only one drinking here tonight you know finance okay guys so y'all shared y'all shared the journey of really what can break a lot of couples okay and you're still sitting here after more than a decade together yes and 23 years married with some tough lessons right um first off what did you think watching yourselves well first i thought he was cute oh that's so cute i thought there were some times where i wanted to caption your thoughts because i thought you were looking at me like i was crazy but you know me i'm i'm i'm the man don't tell me what to do i'm still 20 something years old i feel that way too because i can't remember i kept saying deshawn what are you thinking right then and you would you know well sometimes you were crazy i felt like i would watch that and like everybody's contribution like we were listening to the journeys and like wow i can identify with that like that yeah i get that like wow i live that like that almost killed us yeah for real for real so i was just hoping for like the people that are still in it mm-hmm like just a lot of us yeah he keep prancing it is keep talking keep talking um joe what did you think watching that back i could tell that i was actually thinking about work that in the earlier part of it yeah because how like how far into your um i want to say limousine company but your dr your transportation company were you when we sat down and talked about it five years yeah yeah okay five years so uh but that actual day um i had a vip client that was supposed to be taken care of and i had to lean on an affiliate company and it was falling apart quickly are you blaming are you blaming me no no because i don't know a little bit so other than that i mean it was great you know yeah um to watch and uh i felt a little bad because i was not as loving i could see that you know i mean but i was kind of stressing them like oh here we go that's entrepreneurship too yeah i mean it never stops there's no such thing as you're off yeah you're always on it's a heavy load especially in a car service bed well and he had talked about too and and this is like his third transitional career i mean obviously being an entrepreneur i think the crazy part is it's forever changing right um it's the ups and the downs and i mean obviously within the past year i think everybody has experienced a financial testimony but even in that space of of everyone kind of understanding that sometimes that shift in transition you you realize how much your partner um can either enhance um what you probably need to know more about in terms of how you move financially or you can enhance and i think in that moment seeing his vulnerability and working with nba clients to now being a driver is what they would call and he'd be like this is my company listening it doesn't matter the money's green right right that's where the money resides but it is your company and a lot of times you know you're dealing with ego and you're dealing with a lot of other things that pop up and so i was proud um proud of the fact that we have been through a journey financially this year i want to talk i definitely want to talk about the pandemic right because this topic is very definitely has a plays a role in where we are in the last year but when you think back to the times that you guys were talking about right your company transition like your your complete transition as far as your career and so many transitions for you guys but also your youth right you really talked about learning how to like be good with money and learning how to communicate about that with deshaun so you mentioned ego for you all was there what was the thing that allowed you to put your ego aside and really have some of these tough conversations was there a thing was it time you find what works and for us i think that that's what you know we're working on we're trying to say okay well you're good in that area you'll get in that area and just try to align yourselves with strengths and weaknesses i can't look at you joe without thinking about when i was like uh was it hard for you to let her help and step in absolutely i'm a grown ass man in a suit or outer suit you know um oh yeah it was a problem yeah i mean i'm saying let's just let me know no uh-uh what do you mean just like i mean because you know i come from a household where my dad was uh his own boss and you know i mean that's what you do you take care of the family so me being in a position where i was like in need that was unfamiliar for me because you know um god willing i've been you know good but yeah at that point it was you know it was a struggle yeah but what's funny is that you know we're a lot alike and um she too has that issue of coming to say hey i need this blah blah blah but i try to recognize and i'll ask you know so she doesn't have to ask but it's not just a male ego thing is that true yeah i think it's it comes from just being independent yeah man so yeah wow but yeah are you is it hard for you to ask for something too when you need help you're going to take a sip to that it is you know the crazy part is i didn't realize how hard it was until um i found myself needing a lot more financial help and stability especially after we had grayson i think i was so used to just making my own money doing my own thing you know mom always said keep your own little stash over here but i literally even recently like the other day yesterday the other day um he sent me a sale and i was like what what is this for like you know he's like well you were getting your hair done i was like normally i would have said oh i didn't you didn't have to do that you know what i mean but instead i'm learning from therapy that um it was good for me just to say thank you you know i really appreciate you taking care of me i appreciate you covering me because for so long you know it it felt like a deficit or like i wasn't capable um and i think that's the hard part too for um for both of us is leaning into each other because we're so independent as entrepreneurs yeah that's constant work yeah for me it was the teamwork it was i mean we talked about nba players but for me it was recognizing that regardless of what i do well or what she does well that it's about team radcliff and so if it means that i gotta you know swallow my pride or you know simmer down a little bit for the good of the team i mean ultimately i want us to be good so if i gotta deal my ego or she has to do hers and we can both be pretty strong-willed that's a nice word we can we can both be what does that look like um well why are the men drinking the water that's my wife it's thirsty in here well i mean like you said we're always okay it's all about team radcliff yeah when it ends and i realized that he's in my opinion men 90 high percent ego 90 high we don't have to go too deep i want to hear the show look at the body language yeah yeah yeah do you really say that they were like she said 90. they both had their arms crossed you know what i think it's a part of what's woven in the man period too because we gotta you know we gotta you know create and make things happen for the family you know i mean so yeah uh you know ego for me i mean most athletes that are great athletes you have to have an ego so you have to have i mean it's a it's a confidence factor yeah no questions yeah so um so yeah i i think that's a natural component of just being a man first and foremost but yeah i can deal with the the the ego and i know that when he has to be vulnerable that's where i have to you have to decide because i think women we're the best uh uh everything consciousness yeah that too we're going to be behind there keeping those balloons up period because if we love our spouse we're going to make sure that they we reinforce them we encourage them we keep them up so i know that is it's suppose he has to be vulnerable to come and tell me okay i need this or whatever from the finances so you can make a decision how you're going to respond to that you're going to tear them down or you're going to support him and build him up because it's still team radcliff if he looks bad i'll look bad and that's not going to happen yeah because behind the scenes we're going to make sure we have a united front and we present ourselves where things are okay as possible so where did you learn that from the standpoint of sometimes when we're good at something and you guys established that like you had already been grown and got your finances together and he was not he was not successful there so when did you i wasn't bad you were just better sir i'm just really glad tommy's not here i mean okay when when our well remember we ran our credit back before we got married hey and and i had because i've been out you know i had about but joking about that was 14 pages left yes and yours was her score was higher but her report was longer mine was like one page and what was it i don't know it was bad oh that was the charge off so it was bad it was one page and it was a charger it was bad i had a whole bunch of pages and it was good standing what happened was that was bad but when did you learn how to balance that like that that i guess empathy of like okay you're not good at this and i know that probably hurts a little you know how did you learn how to how to give him that kindness how to act as you mentioned you know watching to see what works not just with us yeah we had a playbook on what doesn't work so seeing other couples yeah and other people and it's just like i'm not going to do that yeah i'm not going to do that and because it it really doesn't serve us for me to tear him down in this when i know ultimately that that's that's not what he wants for us he doesn't want us to fail he doesn't you know want to be in a position where we're lacking anything or whatever so it's just like i i have seen i have heard women tear their spouse down to nothing that does not serve team radcliff so i choose i love doing this come on aren't they are you are you hardy williams or is that a conversation i i i'm not even gonna share what our nickname is amongst our friends but it has something to be with tardy it's hard and it rhymes with hardy both of you also reference therapy right and so i you know you all talked about that in the episode and how that was critical to getting on the same page about a lot of things um i just want to hear a little bit more about that do you do you talked about this but both of you do remember like when you were like we have to do this we need to seek therapy we need to do this regularly do you remember that moment it's imperative you know i mean like i tell people now like if you don't get in a relationship start having a date night with the therapist you know what i'm saying because yeah bring the therapist yeah i mean for real uh okay you know we've we've done a pre-marital counseling we've dated a couple therapists you have to find one that works and broke up with a couple yeah yeah yeah it's just it's imperative because you know you have two individuals that are being merged into one lane and we all have our traumas that we don't even recognize as traumas that has embedded in us and how we move so you know i mean it's crazy like you know 10 plus years in we're still like oh my god like i'm i'm just not recognizing that's why i mean and once you recognize what uh the way a person moves and why they move that way there's a little bit more empathy that can come in that space but um yeah it's it's imperative you know and it's something that you need to have a part of your relationship as long as you want to be together when did it start like as in were you both on board with therapy did one have to convince the other oh our relationship was flatlined i mean it was not even on life support um it was not even on life support i mean we literally had a village of people um with um what do you call those um things yeah the the the the computer the shock yeah yeah clear yeah i mean i think the crazy part is is when you know let's just be honest i mean this past year has been very difficult but what that did was give us vision um and it revealed a lot of things that was hard you know and you know you know in time i think the 10 plus years in what we realized now is because we're now at year one we're starting over we had to start over and not build on that foundation that was unstable um and not laid groundwork back over faulty um stability and the things that wasn't working out so this our therapy has saved us and allowed us to look at each other differently and to find a different um space and grace if that makes sense in all areas financial of course is importantly but i think family and faith and all those other things but it was a scary journey yeah i'll be honest and therapy can be scary i just want to point out that you said 10 years in like that is key that it sometimes is earlier sometimes it's later but like it's never too late no like oh no i mean the earlier better i mean what's crazy is we've always had some sort of uh therapy you know what i'm saying from the beginning then we we we used to have like a couples a couple's counseling uh scenario where we would take trips together we had a couple's caucus and everybody in that country yeah yeah we take trips together and we'll put it all on the table that's the one yeah at this point unfortunately yeah everybody no one's standing no no one is survived other than enough but get this no one standing that had that that we saw in the couple's caucus but none of them were getting therapy yeah outside of that and and they were just relying on that um yeah people have this wrong i don't know idea that you know you're gonna be able to figure this out individually you know i mean without having a third party come in and try to sort through and you know uh that it's experienced with seeing where the hiccups are yeah i mean because you know you got two people in a room one's blood is one crib we just gonna keep banging yo man somebody ain't gonna survive yeah you know i mean not long term anyway so it's just it's imperative and words are weapons you know and sometimes you can't take those words back i mean actions can can hurt too but but words are weapons you know i'm learning i just let me think about this yeah she won't ask let me think about i'm gonna get right back yeah because a lot of times you know you say things and get intent and they can get misconstrued or misunderstood and it's just like that's a hard one because you can't take back what you say yeah because sometimes people you know i would say men but whatever sometimes people like wanna of course you would right you want a minute but not a bad way i'm giving y'all i'm actually um giving you credit okay because a lot of times men will be like give me a minute so i don't say the wrong thing and i feel like a lot of us will just be like let me tell you you know we do that it's the rate of communication too and not not to pigeonhole a lot of stereotypes male and women but but typically women talk and process faster than men period not over here not only yeah see see what i'm saying not over here what do you mean process is exactly that it's a process so i'm usually like what's going on i know because she's processing so and that takes time so yeah she doesn't process it and that's our history and that's our patterns that's why therapy is important so we can learn those patterns but but the thing about therapy we we just got to go ahead and call it what it is called a spade a spade that in in the black community therapy is still that it's that little thing we don't talk about we don't do we still feel like oh you got the devil in you oh just pray it'd be all right and sometimes you need jesus and your meds um real talk and we don't say that about high blood pressure yeah we don't say it about heart conditions we don't say about anything else everything else we say go to the doctor but when it comes to mental health our mental our wellness our our whole beings yeah it's one of those things that we're it's still the stigma and in the black community if you if people find out you oh you're seeing a psychiatrist something wrong with you but if you take the back we all had that special uncle we all had that uncle or that cousin we knew they were off but nobody pushed the issue nobody got them help and so if we want to break those cycles and our families like you know we we've been to therapy individually we went as a as a couple um you know your original question of where did where did it start we were at a bad place we were that's usually why yeah we're at we're at a bad place it was a it was that was about to affect our finances it was big i'm not gonna lie yes and but him just being him he was just talking and he shared him when he came home and he told me about him okay hoping that okay that will be okay that was not okay we shared with like it was it was job related um in an interview i said some things um and and that for us it started this spiral of some things and she felt like i shouldn't have said something in the situation i felt that to not say what i said what i said would have been dishonest and so so i was going to keep my integrity but but in a way i completely understand you know what she was saying that it caused a spiral of events and then long story short um you know we're no longer i'm no longer working there we you know we end up in doing a short sale on the house she's injured on she got injured on her job so i mean it it started this spiral yeah and so we've been there um you know and it was it wasn't i won't say we were on we were on life support but when i look at them all i'm saying is that it was when i look at the totality of the time that we've been together marriage dating friends whatever that was the lowest point right of our of our life together and and i hate that unfortunately it's often our narratives as black couples you know once things get bad we go to therapy um you know and and then the pastor in me jumps up and says well you know that's you you need more than just the emergency booster shot you need treatment you need you need a plan for how you're going to change your patterns and behaviors and then you need checkups to make sure that you're doing the things that will keep you healthy and i want to point out that you are a pastor and that while you're saying and while many of us have said you know that you know our community prioritizes like religion you know prey on it you know therapy is a part of yes healing yes you can do both yes i always say god helps those who help themselves you know so you can keep asking but you also have to do the work yeah yes and it's and i meant what i said sometimes you need jesus and your meds um you know we've got family members that are taking pills for high blood pressure you don't question their faith right you got people that are you know that have injured their leg and they're in physical therapy you don't question their faith but when it comes to mental health it's that's it's still that stigma i mean we're talking about it openly now of course things have changed but still there are major pockets of our community that don't feel that well i'm also of the belief that one of the beautiful things that has come out of the last year the pandemic and everything that we've experienced as black people um yeah that i won't get into because we don't need to go there right now i know i know yeah yeah everything now yeah but i'm of the belief that one of the beautiful things that's come out of it is that we are talking about there we are talking about healing individually as a community within our families because it's very necessary so for me i think that's a positive from the last year um on the pandemic we talked a little bit about how it stretched everybody right how from a financial standpoint have you maybe taken some of those lessons that you learned early on and taken them into this year or how just in general has the pandemic stretched you challenged you from a financial standpoint and in terms of your relationship i'm not asking you did you lose money this year i'm asking you yeah right as a couple as a unit i mean obviously you know it was tough i mean um i don't know if that plays so much of a part within our relationship more than the untreated things that have been in our relationship prior to the pandemic you know i mean i i think you're up to that yeah yeah yeah yeah so i'm with you always um so yeah so i i think for the most part you know obviously the pandemic was just a reflection of here's another hurdle yeah that we you know we have to get over and get through you know what i'm saying we've done that but what we did realize is the untreated trauma that happened prior to the pandemic that was our worst case scenario individual or together stuff well uh individually yeah yeah both yeah both everything everything yeah yeah you know the heartbreak um go ahead yeah both but yeah you know um you know i mean for men you know of course you know money get tight it gets stressful it's like yo but i was you know by the time the pandemic came on i was already dealing with so much already like you know me getting therapists like yo i need help it was like it got to the point where just like when the relationship he's like oh we gotta get therapy for myself individually it's like i was sinking you know uh dealing with everything that i was dealing with prior to so i think the pandemic just became an opportunity where you were actually sitting still because you know uh just like a functioning alcoholic you're functioning you know when everything was going you're just functioning you know i'm working so when i had to sit still it just brought everything to the surface yeah and uh yeah yeah and i made it very very very hard on her to be here right now i did yeah to save vulnerability it's important it means a lot honestly when any spouse man or male or female you know can say like i know it was hard i made it hard for you oh that means a lot we were talking i felt that yeah i'm not your wife i know you checked on me you were like are you good are you okay and you know i'm not gonna get emotional but i wasn't you know what i mean and i think so many of us especially with what's going on we do wear a mask you know mass can be great at times it can make your skin glow but i wasn't wearing that kind of mask i wasn't wearing that kind of mask but i think you know even he was dealing with so much and then on top of it when the pandemic hit financially i lost all my clients um you know i'm an entertainment publicist and you know my clients weren't on set they weren't shooting you know i was grateful that a lot of them kept me on retainer until like june but at that point they had let go of their housekeeper their nanny you know i was barely hanging in there and i realized like wait a second this isn't going away um when i say i lost everything i'm saying bank of america was like hey um i haven't heard from you we would take 35 from your account but there's nothing there um and it was difficult and i literally was trying to figure out along with our relationship being bankrupt um so was i you know and emotionally mentally and financially we were broke and it took therapy um it took god and it took you know um so many other elements that allowed us to come together as one and it's still a process can i also say something i heard you just say that even when you were broke financially you still prioritized therapy because you so deeply felt it could impact your relationship we did we did and i think that changed and we were grateful um for it and it's a part of our relationship now it's just you know we realize that it's important you know i mean so we got to get those checkups as you say you know um and you know it's just it's work you know i mean it's nothing short of work you have to apply for financial aid i'm going to say financial aid yeah we got two of those [Applause] you made me uh yeah i needed financial aid but we had the pandemic finally they had pandemic unemployment for you know um uh self-employed we got the the loan we needed and and we had to get creative i had to do a pivoting shift and look at myself professionally and figure out what can i do virtually what are my assets what am i known for other than just being you know a great publicist but other than that you know it really allowed me to open up other doors that i as a woman um had just been dormant you know and as we're all you know as black people we're so gifted and talented and i think that also allowed um me to soar and not just in our relationship but in my professional life too financially um we did we did okay um i i and i'm being very um that's probably a low a low ball answer week we did well we've done that that's good yeah yeah yeah we we love it we did well we moved um added a new well we added another job i'm working another gig now as well so that's helped um kids are in in college um so from that aspect we did well but i think the lessons that we learned from the previous experiences are what kind of grounded us i'll admit that even when we got ready to purchase this this house i was terrified mm-hmm because of the things that had happened in the past yeah um yeah oh no because we had lost the house before that's like ptsd like you're yeah do not want to return to that so he was very very um anxious about it yes yeah i was i was that's just legit i was i was i was afraid you know i was like we got to do it that's what we have to do profound thing for a man to say he was afraid yeah i was afraid yeah because no i'm not going to get emotional um because my family had gone through that already yeah um losing our house in a short sale you know to avoid the foreclosure having to file for bankruptcy um there came a point i don't know we talked about this in the original interview where we were um literally at at a food pantry um in in orange county so those things it wasn't just the pride thing it's the fear of i'd i can't have my family go through that again so well we were together yeah yeah yeah we went through that together remember i lost the job too yeah so it wasn't just like that was us and we made it well you all have shown us for sure that frankly you can get through anything right as a married couple i didn't mean that i mean that but but it's not without work right and that's what the whole purpose of this is and deposits into that financial finance hello yeah that part so i appreciate you all for joining me for this conversation and of course for being a part of black love um those of you watching us if you're watching this then you're already you've already downloaded the black love app okay but also follow us on our socials and of course black love's youtube page and um thank you all so much i'm gonna keep drinking cheers hey hello you can cheers [Music] you

Channel: Black Love

Views: 113,922

Rating: 4.9682431 out of 5

Keywords: black love, black love doc, love story, black love story, marriage, black marriage, how we met, our love story, celebrity couples, marriage advice, relationship advice, how we made it, funny love story, cute love story, black couples, black love and marriage, black love own, after love, after show, codie elaine oliver, tommy oliver, #BLAfterLove, new trailer, 2021, kita and joe

Id: TPICNmuPWcc

Length: 30min 44sec (1844 seconds)

Published: Mon May 24 2021