Man to Man: Wellness + Sacrifice + Marriage | Chance Brown | A Black Love Wellness Series

somewhere along the lines that we kind of kind of lost our way in what it was to be able to uh discipline a kid and love and not what i mean and be able to and make sure that they understand um though i might be in your face my tone may be a little harsh i want you to understand the difference between me picking on you and me loving on you and and demanding that you respect your parents you know yourself and you you move in grace um so it that that's team chance in a nutshell and there he is the man of the hour hey what's going on man how are you my brother how's everything good good yeah mm-hmm um trying to trying to think of where to start there's so many things um firstly you know just your your openness on black love so far in the season i don't want to ruin it for anybody with the season finale but i feel like you've just been an open book and you you kind of mentioned the same approach with your relationship which is dope and i admire um so i can say you know that there was one thing your wife said and then i'm gonna rewind for a second there's one thing your wife did say about you know everybody calling you guys relationship goals and in the beginning it was far from it and it was a lot to get to that point but i think through all of the communication and openness and where you guys are now i think now is that goals but its goals in understanding all the things that led up to this current time yeah you got to be mindful and uh take everything into consideration um i'm sorry hold on okay okay this right here you got to be patient with me because this is usually my wife's lane over here as my tech support [Laughter] but uh yeah in terms of our relationship must be you know when i hear people say that we're life goes i wonder if they are putting us on an unrealistic pedestal um so that's why i'm usually such an open book i try to try to approach it in as much respectful honestly as i possibly can and uh not do the the stereotypical you know uh man thing or uh be you know because i don't feel like it would be fair to you know anybody you know any relationship um so i i just kind of lay it all out there to make sure that they're not putting us on an unrealistic pedestal and you know not considering that we've been together for 23 years and we went through some real stuff to get to here and even in being here there is no finish line you know every day is still work and every day is still a marriage and a contribution into your marriage you know yeah absolutely absolutely do you feel so i know one of you know one of the main themes um was sacrifices do you feel there were or do you still feel today within your relationship that there are certain sacrifices that you're you're accounting for or that you have to go through as as a as a couple as a father as a husband right now in your overall relationship and family dynamic absolutely um you're constantly going to be sacrificing something it's got it's got to be it's got to be but you know i'm hesitant on on the word sacrifice um i i would i would probably choose a different word it's a compromise yeah i prefer that too yeah compromise um you know where there's a little bit more understanding that at this very moment you may be giving up something but you're doing it in love therefore you know uh the opportunity still will be there for you to do what whatever it was that you had to compromise on the sacrifice thing means to it just sounds like it's um it's done you know what i mean like like you're giving up something yeah you're giving it up permanently and you know in in any relationship those things do happen you know uh there's gonna be a lot of sacrifice you know it's gonna be a lot of things that you just may not be able to do anymore but i don't know i just find it a little bit uh more pleasing by choosing to look at things as okay this is a compromise a a normal a healthy compromise and we can revisit it later you know well i love that and it's you know it's interesting you you bring that up in that way and phrase it that way because i think that also speaks to your mentality and that speaks to your your approach and probably tabitha's as well with each other um coming into the relationship and i you know i like i said with you being so open and honest i you know i feel like i at least have some idea of the the ebbs and flows you've gone through over that how long you've been together now 23 years hey listen i'm glad i'm i'm glad i just heard my wife say that because i knew that wrong amazing um i do want to be before i forget because you um you were talking about you didn't want to bring up you didn't want to approach things in this this typical man way so that that triggered a question i usually like to ask over the course of this dialogue and you know feel free to answer it not answer it dismiss it whatever you want but i usually ask give me a second to shut this door you hear my wife's dog you hear this oh your wife's dog now all right all right that's part of the compromise all right i was going to say i usually bring this up in some sort of context but you you triggered it early on already in the comm in the dialogue about um not approaching things from this typical man perspective so i wanted to ask you when i say the word masculinity is is is is there something is there something that you feel from that word is there a way that you define that word how do you treat that word masculinity these days it's a time and place for it when i hear that and usually it differs between every man um i found that it's not that important for me in every subject um to be masculine um case in point when it comes to gender roles the typical gender roles like for example things like pumping gas taking out trash uh things that you know things of that nature i find that i differ from a lot of men in terms of those things it does not define me it does not because i'm a man it's not an absolute and my wife will tell you the same thing however you know i don't have my wife just doing any and everything um you know because there's certain things that i take pride in but i'm not judgmental when i when i see you know a woman pumping gas or taking out trash or you know that kind of thing um but yeah i just feel when it comes to masculinity there's a time and place for it you know just depends on who you're talking to and the definition of it may change but for me i was raised by a strong woman you know i was raised so you know my masculinity it just wasn't a thing it was sure you know what i mean so um i've learned that i don't really see it the same way as a lot of people no it makes absolute sense i mean i you know and that that's why i always think it's interesting to get that to get that um different answer get that different perspective on masculinity because you know some have some have gone deep with it some have just gone way out there with it some are just you know time and place like you said um and for me you know for me i i always think we have a certain level of masculine and feminine energy you know what i mean there's times where we get more emotional and get more in tune there's times where yeah my mind is i feel like too because me and my wife pretty much grew up together yeah um it's gonna be a little bit different when you are you know 19 you don't realize how young you are and what you've yet to learn or experience and when you experience it with another 19 year old um there's a there's a time you know there's going to be times where all that macho stuff and all the things that you thought came with being a man or uh it's going to go out the window because we're learning at the same time you know um and if you want to be successful now you got something that i feel like will probably and i did i did it now don't get me wrong i did a lot of dumb stuff and realized that it was because i was on some mail or what i thought the mail was supposed to do sure sure it set us back right so yeah i kind of learned that look man i just i need to if i don't know i don't know [Laughter] so i just got to tell her like hey and if i'm uncomfortable with it because i've seen it done a different way or if it's been worn a different way um most times by me expressing it and getting ahead of it i can avoid a whole lot of turmoil you know you know i can avoid a whole lot of things that you know set us back in the long run so that masculinity thing it kind of went out the door with me a long time ago you know i'm you know i i got i got a better understanding of what my wife needs um and then to what i need and how i want her to view me yeah yeah you know what i'm saying so i got a clear understanding of i think i got a good balance of how much masculinity is needed and when so and going back from what i said in the beginning is going to be different for every man um and i think it should be because his wife is not going to be like my wife you know you know right you get what i'm saying so yeah absolutely and how do you feel how do you feel that translates in raising your your children um two daughters and a son and and now so yeah so you got the girl dad hat yeah twice song that you got the boy dad hat on so in approaching that dynamic as a dad how do you even how do you transfer that that you brought and that which your mom apparently did an amazing job with you on how do you bring that on down to your children well i try to be consistent and what i'm hoping or what i'm hoping for and how it translates because you know let's face it we really don't know um i'm hoping that what they take from how i live and what i say and how me and mom love one another um the successful part comes from being you being able to acknowledge you know what you're good at what you're not what you need being able to understand that change is necessary um it should be invited and you should never cage a person or hold or restrain a person from growth and i hope it just breeds success you know uh yeah you know what i mean because they're they're my kids but they're their own people so i just try to lead by example and not harp on my teachings is just live by example like this is how me and mom make it you know that that is particular about this you don't have to be but in this house i'm particular about this mom is particular about this now i may not have necessarily liked it in the beginning but i've grown to understand that it this is this is a small task in terms of um and i and i live by the the do you want to be right or do you want to be happy i live by that so yeah and i can't say that all the time um and i really think that you know that's the best key to success yeah i love that um can i ask what um one other thing in the in the fatherhood dynamic because you and tabitha did start young and you know you were talking about all of the moving around and moving out to the west coast yeah huh yeah all over the place you know raising children at a young age like um do you fee do you feel any any of the things you have now because now i i feel like again all of this experience all it does is is is help you see things better and grow better together but early on in your journey with tabitha what was that like uh raising children at a at a young age well with the moving and all yeah just all the things to be honest with you well if you would have asked me of course asking me now in hindsight i'm gonna i'm gonna say you know it played a major role in who i am you know and may you you but if you ask the 19 year old the 20 to 21 year old you know i would have been like man i have no clue what i'm doing you know i i'll say this in parenting i think it i think it prepared me for their right now life right i i think that me and my daughters have better relationships or i have a better understanding of their thinking as a result of what me and my wife endured and went through early on so i i don't do um so i i have a little bit more patience with their growth process and i would like to believe that i have developed a healthy back and forth with my kids as a result of those things that we were doing and and not to be too old school or you know what i mean sure so i think it helped you know i think it helped um because i can kind of you know i can kind of relate somewhat to where they're thinking and i can also kind of warn them um about what it looks like they're going um so have they ever have they ever used that against you and be like well mom and you did this when you were my age so i can do such and such has that every moment ever come up not yet knock on glue not yet well i'll knock on some wood first oh yeah you know what hey going back that's that's a great question because you know what now that you say that i have more patience with my daughter who resembles her mom in so many ways outside of her looks she will do things and i remember her dad my father-in-law have an issue with what we were doing how my wife was dressing how you know things of that nature and i will see my my daughter joyce who's so much like my wife and i mean it's ridiculous kind of scary and before i say something i'll kind of revisit one of those things and i'll just laugh and be like wow i told him here recently i said man i'll take my hat off to you um i'm starting to understand now the amount of and this was 20 years ago when things were a lot different and we were in a southern you know very old school traditional city uh sure sure he did voice his opinion and uh but he did have to also practice some restraint as well um so i told him i said hey man i take my hat off to you because i'm out here in los angeles very you know free and at different times and there's still times where i look at her and i'm like ah your mom and i was all for it so i got to have i should and i need to be mindful and have a little bit more patience because nothing bad came from it and right i raised them i raised them to be uh questionable you know to ask you know you gotta have some facts so i already know if i go to her and be like hey why do you you know she's gonna she you know she's a smart girl she's gonna bring it right back just like her paw she's gonna like so i'll just refrain and bite my tongue you know what i mean but it taught me you know yeah no that's beautiful speaking of back and forth because i don't want to forget this one because this was funny to me um your back and forth back in the day with music and and that fantasia moment are you still scarred by any fantasia music you know what [Laughter] hey every time hey every time i hear that one song i always smile yeah it goes away because hey look my wife literally every time we got into a fight every time every time she did that and the world laughed at it but if they only i did too three times so yeah there's still some scars there's definitely some scars it's it's funny because i um i brought this up while i was watching it i had an x that used to do the same thing she didn't use fantasia she used tony braxton uh-huh and there was that one tony braxton album when our while her hair was short for a long time but uh i can't remember see now i can't remember the song but she she would play the whole album out i mean like i know the video you were talking right right i couldn't say anything hey i would literally be taking a shower playing some maxwell or you know chilling and by the time i got out the shower it was a full on concert and i don't music playing she would be putting on a full-on concert to make sure that i knew hey if you don't like me then don't talk to me did you did you ever have any um clap back music to get back at her um no man no music is something different to me man you know it was i'm trying to make up and get into some love making you trying there you go trying to be mad yeah you know sure and in all honesty that's true because when i was younger it was it was one sure way to resolve things at least i thought it was [Laughter] some of the time yeah um so i want to segue a little bit because i love what you're doing and i want to know more honestly about um team chance and team chance basketball because i feel again i feel like just in this conversation so far family sounds very important to you the way you've been brought up the way you're raising your children i think is admirable it's beautiful to me and i feel like that's just a natural progression an extension for you to create this team chance basketball um so why for you was it important to talk you know to target kids specifically and then the second part of it i definitely want to know about the basketball of it well uh basketball has always been my passion um it's just you know that thing that i wish that i would have made it on type thing and sure sure poor decisions in my teenage years that prevented me from being able to truly pursue it um and i created team chance initially because we don't have any family here um and i was trying to and i would just remember my childhood and how i had i could walk outside and i would have all my friends at my you know my exposure we could you know just go out and play and out here um so initially i just started it you know just for something for my son to do and you know with his friends and they could kind of i could kind of create a village have people that he could have in his life regularly at least two to three times a week um and in meeting and and encountering some of these kids it just reminded me of the things that i was hearing from some of the parents and some of the challenges they were having it was very you know similar to what me and my wife was experiencing and it just turned into something bigger um you know i i love hard and i just took on a whole different role you know it's less about basketball to me than it is about building character you know i'm passionate about basketball i love basketball it's just a part of our family my wife loves basketball but in my program you will find that i do more mentoring and and uh big brother type thing that you do in teaching basketball um in today's world i mean what we currently are experiencing i think it's more important that these kids know what it is to have character you know uh yeah good ethics morals and a little bit of old school teaching um i think that you know somewhere along the lines that we kind of kind of lost our way in what it was to be able to uh discipline a kid and love and not what i mean and be able to and make sure that they understand um though i might be in your face my tone may be a little harsh i want you to understand the difference between me picking on you and me loving on you and and demanding that you respect your parents you know yourself and you you move in grace um so it that that's team chance in a nutshell um more about that and and i feel like it my son needs it i need it you know yeah you know and it's my way too of of being able to give back to now it's beautiful i mean it that um you know that hits you got to make an adult team chance i want to be a part of this thing that's that's that sounds amazing we do i do have one i do yeah we don't call it team chance but i do have one well tell me what you call it offline because i want to join all right that's what's up um so all beautiful and i feel like so for yourself um since we you know we're talking all things wellness so as you mentor as you look to do this with uh for children and apparently you gotta you got an adult crew as well what what are you doing for yourself on a daily basis that that's keeping you you know in a positive head space that that's keeping you going so that sounds like one of them definitely you know being a part of team chance creating that uh village and that community but for yourself on a daily basis are there any daily routines are there any just things you do in the morning at night or any time of day and i usually touch upon like my mind body soul those three areas like are there any things you do within that that just keeps you level-headed and cool as a lot of people like like to coin you cool chants um yeah there is um i i like to work out um and when i'm working out it ain't really about it's a moment of privacy uh so i i try to work out six or seven times a week right um and in my workout i'm not just you know pushing up iron or exercising i'm thinking about things that i want to do things that i don't want to do ways that this is a moment for me to kind of have a discussion with myself and god yeah i work out a lot of things in the gym i work out you know ways to communicate something better to my wife ways to communicate things to my son ways to uh process that uh you know chance he's just not good at this you know um uh working out is like you know my thing that if i don't get to do it i'm usually in a rut you know yeah and i feel you i'll watch a little i got moments where you know i i i need for my wife to be around and us to you know do things together but i also need a long time um and in my long time when i'm not working out usually i'm watching something on tv that the average person i don't think the average person would even watch i got a weird sense of humor in terms of uh shows and things but um i get if i get that hour or two to sit down and do that and and i think the other one um i cannot forget this i had a i had a discussion with somebody about this and i remember they were shocked when i told them that i played video games i don't know what it is i don't know if it's because i'm married to tabitha brown that they were all stuck but uh and my wife will always be like i can't believe you play that loud game and you say that this is a stress reliever right right right being there you know for an hour playing call of duty like you know mowing people down but i do and uh and it's a stress reliever for me you know um and and it and i think it's needed and then with that group that i was telling you about about twice a month i have a group of men um guys that you know in my circle that are like brothers to me no blood relation at all but probably closer to me than any blood relative um outside of my mom and my wife and we will have these meetings where sometimes we'll have discussions of serious nature sometimes we'll have light discussion sometimes we won't discuss anything we'll just be in the presence of one another yeah that is probably the most um significant thing in my life you know what i mean in terms of stress and me being in my growth too um i surrounded myself with guys that you know in some aspect i'm forced to grow you know not all i mean and this is uh uh uh melting pot you know what i mean of sure personalities um and each and every one of them i can take something from and i look forward to those two one or two meetings every month that we have and we'll just kick back and we're gonna have to get you over one night man we you know we kick back down for it hey man and we hang out and you know have a good time and we'll walk away from those conversations i feel like better men better husbands um better fathers you know brothers better human beings let's be look i i think that's something i in some ways i try to put that out there in these conversations where whether it's a check-in and um a male check-in remotely when we couldn't get together now that we can start getting in person again together again i i think uh something that continues to come up it's all about community it's all about tribe creating these villages and i think for men for black men especially so to be able right now to have even this conversation you know i i already you know my shoulders drop i'm like you know i'm tuned in to what you're given and vice versa and i feel like this type of openness and vulnerability i mean this is the reason why you know we created this id live and i was like you know we're just going to keep going with this thing because it's it's beautiful to be able to do this um as men because we don't get to just like what we were talking about earlier with masculinity and i think you having these things to be able to decompress have that solo time to think through and process things and um and stress to leave honestly because i feel like that's something for us as as men and black men you and people in general but i feel like with men especially again uh stereotypically speaking we hold it all in we don't you know communicate the emotion you don't communicate the feeling and a lot of times you get caught up in a bad way either with your help somewhere outside if you're in a you know if you're in a certain situation where you just get lost in it and unfortunately sometimes that just overtakes for the worse i think uh you know what i think two it's important that's why i'm always so uh forthcoming i guess i i i try not to hold back because i think there's a misconception about us as black men that we don't talk and that we don't show that we're vulnerable or we don't you know and it's partially true um but not as much as i i think i think the world needs to really see us so yeah i'm put on display or i have an opportunity for them to really see us uh i take pride in doing so and just opening the book and saying hey look this is what it looked like this is who i am this is what and i'm not you know a lot of people i feel like there's so many men like me it's like and i'm always like i don't understand where all this is coming from right i know a lot of i know a lot of men like me you know um they just don't have the the the blessing of being married to my beautiful wife you know but you know i just i don't you know i don't think it's anything out of the norm i i feel like i've had probably hundreds thousands of conversations with men that i've taken things from and and they've expressed things that i'm like this is you know this is a normal thing for us it's just not put on display in in front of the television it's not put on display in front of the world um yeah but in my opinion i i think it's a misconception there's a lot of men out there like you and i you know a lot of men having these conversations and talking and doing things it's just we don't get to see it that often yeah well i'm glad you know like i said i'm glad we're able to put this on display i'm glad you have the opportunity uh to have a platform to put these type of conversations uh more so on display um one thing i again i i never want to miss certain questions i i had one for you um because it came up a little bit um during your your interview with black love and maybe one other place i can't remember are you were you only on the police force um back in your original hometown or are you currently on a police force now as well out here i have worked for uh los angeles police department for 15 years oh wow um until until here recently okay okay retiring um but yeah for here in los angeles for 15 years okay and where were those uh well that almost becomes a whole other conversation that that i want to have with you but let me just tap into this um since we do have an audience right now in terms of the things you are that you just expressed to keep yourself sane to keep yourself level-headed where those are things you were doing on the police force one and then two just in the nature of things that have happened over these past few years uh in particular as a black man on the police force in la uh where you know we we've had some history out here uh what what has been what has been your feelings and and your your your take and just that dynamic when you were on the police force up until recently uh when you retired um well i'm gonna answer the first question okay how i deal with yes to answer the first question yes that's how i dealt with the stress um and then another thing in terms of how i progress is i never allowed myself to do certain jobs that i thought could mess with my thinking or or uh put my family at risk or ask me to do something that you know just to me i goes against uh the culture or i felt like it was unfair um i think in terms of policing there's a misconception about the the officer and the roles that he can and cannot play you have you have a choice you you i you don't have to take certain roles um and not every officer is in agreeance with certain laws and if you're not in agreeance with that law you can put yourself in a position where you don't have to be constantly enforcing that particular law so i chose a different path um in there too you know and that was helpful in in where i you know my stress levels and things of that nature um in terms of your second question it's stressful right uh because i have a i have a little bit more knowledge of than the average person sure on the curtain sure there's a lot of truths and then there's a lot of untruths right and then there's the then there's that part of me being a black man in the uniform and um having to acknowledge that you there is a certain level of pain and and history that exists in this uniform and no matter what you what no matter what your intentions are and no matter how much good you've done or you think you've done it won't outweigh what people's history and their experiences are and even even if you're right even if you're right that history won't outweigh that pain at that person you know what i mean it yeah um so it's been hard yeah it's been it's definitely been hard a lot harder in the last uh four to five years um but you know you do the best that you can sure sure did that answer the question it more than answer my question and i um look when i brought the question up i know it's i know it's not an easy one to bring up so i appreciate you answering because you didn't have to answer it so i appreciate that and i appreciate you navigating uh through that but it's not the first time that i've been asked about it i'm actually surprised i haven't been asked more um but it's a i'm a i'm a boy from i'm a man from a very small city in the south right black where i think i think i remember seeing two police officers when i was growing up that were black right and out here in this city right of millions of people and there's you know a few hundred black officers right so there is a there is a different level of stress of just like being accepted in the city sure southern boy right sure um and then being accepted you know uh in the uniform as a black male and then being accepted by people in your community for putting on that uniform so the stress levels you know they're through the roof yeah sign up for it you kind of know what you're getting yourself into or you should have some idea of what you're getting yourself into but i think over the years i've done a good job at making sure that i'm i'm you know being realistic in who i am and what roles to sign up for listening to my wife and my mom my kids and staying connected to you know that foundation so you know i can go out and serve you know i've served the community and serve my people um without getting in any trouble without you know what i mean without harming anybody and trying to be you know more of a uh an asset than you know what we have been seeing in the last two years you know but yeah now i appreciate that i appreciate you saying all of that um and i also want to be respectful of your time we're running up on it and i can keep going so i accept that invitation but um i think in in having this conversation with you you know i've heard um i've heard the rock say the him not making it into the nfl was the best thing that never happened i feel as though you with basketball not happening is the best thing that never happened to you i swear because the knowledge you have the platform you've been given you know via your beautiful wife via whatever you know pads you've taken and roads you've gone down and all the things you've done i feel like right now in this moment what you're putting on display is you know beautiful and i you know i hope i hope you you realize that there is something special here and i think you are now probably hitting your stride of those gifts that you have i'm sure you're great at basketball and hopefully one day i see it on the court with you but but in the meantime i feel like there's this beautiful gift that you're giving back not only locally but again on platforms like this so i just wanted i wanted to say that i want to say i appreciate you brother i appreciate you being so open so honest so vulnerable and such a great great um representation for us as men for us as a community um at large hey i appreciate your kind words man and i hope you're right i hope this is my stride i feel it i think i i think it is yeah hey man i appreciate it i appreciate you guys having me and highlight me and my beautiful wife and my family um we just doing what we do doing what you do well you doing what we do you're doing a lot in in the best way possible so again i appreciate you and um yeah i will leave it at that and uh connect with you soon brother thanks again thank you all right you have a good one you too you

Channel: Black Love

Views: 82,912

Keywords: man to man, black fathers, male to man, black dads, black husbands, wellness, self love, black love, black love magic, black joy, black love stories, married while black, lets talk, chance brown, tabitha brown

Id: HsqqZ2HP8ts

Length: 45min 18sec (2718 seconds)

Published: Tue Jun 15 2021