Dear Future Wifey S3, E301: Essence of Love (Essence Atkins)

so i'm very conscious and intentional about the things that i say so i wouldn't say oh yeah i'm going to get married again and after things happen with the pandemic it made me realize oh i actually want to be married again i'm the terrace our weekday and welcome to the deer future wifey podcast welcome to the dear future wifey podcast i'm your host letter star whitfield listen i'm so excited to kick off season three of the dear future wifey podcast listen you guys have been rocking with us for so many episodes and we're just going to turn up the heat a little bit more hey make sure that you hit that notification bell if you haven't subscribed to the dear future wifey podcast what are you waiting for stop shacking up with us and make a commitment and subscribe you like that essence so listen uh we're gonna have so much fun on today's episode i have my good friend uh you've seen her on tv you've seen her in movies uh but a lot of y'all haven't been afforded the opportunity to see her as the beautiful soul that she is and so i'm so honored to have her on the podcast uh y'all know her as you know a lot of you guys may look at and say she's absolutely beautiful where she is but the content of her character is even far more beautiful than her exterior and so i'm excited to have her on the show today so uh without further ado welcome to the dear future wifey podcast my homie atkins what's going on buddy oh my gosh what a blessing it is to be here thank you so much for having me for inviting me so you like when i say stop shacking up with him i do i do i think that that is a big problem happening throughout throughout the world is uh people want the benefit without the commitment oh talk about it so so when you say you see that you see that often how important is it to make a commitment instead of just having the benefit i i mean i think it's crucial for the health of a relationship and and what is the world but a bunch of relationships so in the micro it's crucial for all of us to be cared for to feel safe to feel known to feel supported and then in the macro i think that that just continues to proliferate throughout the world and reverberate and that's why there's so much uh tumultuous tumultuous situations going on because situations situationships but we're not being responsible for each other we're not moving inten with intentional purpose in terms of being aware of how we are affecting one another um okay you just gonna just jump right on in there huh i was trying to slide down a little bit and try to you know say how are you doing yeah yeah i just lost livestream during the pandemic you know just you know oh yeah the the pandemic illuminated a lot of stuff right yeah i think that was the great thing about the world coming to a halt is that we couldn't distract ourselves from the things that were really um plaguing us you know we had a lot of ill that we weren't aware of because we were so distracted and busy and everything came to a screeching halt so during the pandemic i think like most people i i was fortunate where i didn't struggle in terms of a lot of ways like i had plenty of toilet paper that's just something that's just something i always have it didn't have anything to do with it so you don't want i should have called for toilet paper yes um but not only that you know so there were many ways that i i was covered and good and then there were other ways where i felt really vulnerable and raw and quite sad and quite scared i mean you know to be an artist to be an actress at a time where everything is shut down and doing what i do can't really be done six feet away yes um so there was definitely that worry that was plaguing me and i found ways to combat it one of the ways that i combat that i had to combat the the angst and the anxiety and the sadness and the isolation and all the things that we went through was um i had to get deeper into that word i had to just you know i joined two new bible studies i was already a part of one but i joined two other ones and they made such a huge difference just in terms of like me being in the word and really growing and having my foundation and christ just grow even even deeper and having those roots just get stronger so that i could bend and not break talk about it so there was that but the other thing that i did that was really a prompting of the holy spirit was um i started a school now i know this is yeah come on it's weird okay so basically my son i have a nine-year-old son and last year when everything shut down on march 13th in los angeles i had already decided with his dad we were divorced but we had already talked about keeping him home i said i don't like where what's happening i think we should keep them home and then literally like the following day or two days later the school was like we're going to remote learning and everybody was trying to learn what that was my son has been going to this school this small little christian school called monarch christian school since he was two and a half and so it's a very small school he only had 13 classmates in the entire second grade so everybody went to distance learning and was learning online in july we got an email an unexpected email saying that the school was closing permanently having nothing to do with covid but obviously be a catalyst the catalyst was covered because of funding right because this is a private school and they rely so much on on donations and grants and all of that kind of stuff and everything had um just trickled down um so i panicked i panicked i read this email i immediately i was in bed when i read it i immediately started my son wasn't even up yet i started googling christian schools in the neighborhood like what was where was there another school that was kind of like monarch and i found this school that was kind of similar or felt kind of similar and and then there were all these protocols listed about what they were going to do when they could return to in-person learning what it might look like we wouldn't be able to walk them to the door we wouldn't be able to see the campus like all of this stuff because l.a at that point fully shut yeah it was fully said now so i was just panicked and i heard the holy spirit clears day say empty your guest house and i was like um i just finished decorating my guest house like it's so cute in there my guest house is for guests which of course i wasn't having during cobra but in my mind i'm like what are you talking about and i heard it again empty your guesthouse so i was like all right so i called my son's best friend's mother and i asked her did you read the email she's like i'm just reading the email and she kind of started ranting about she's a nurse and she was like maybe i could take more days off maybe maybe we could just if we could just keep the boys together if i don't know i'm not a teacher like she was just rambling and i said well let me tell you what the holy spirit just said empty your guesthouse and she goes would you do that and i said if the holy spirit's telling me to do it yes i'll i i mean yes so that afternoon she was in my living room and there were two other families in my living room and of the 13 students that were in my son's second grade i have nine of them wow we took one of the teachers who was now also newly unemployed unemployed and we as the parents uh pay her the salary that she would have made working for the school we split it equally based on child because we have a couple of sisters our little group our little pod group so one of the dads i mean god is so awesome and how he worked this out but one of the dads is former military he was a navy officer so he comes twice a week and teaches the kids gym he teaches them pe and then another one of the moms she is a psychology professor at pepperdine so anything that we have about how the kids are developing or issues we can bring to her like i said my son's best friend's mom is a nurse she's a pediatric nurse at kaiser so we have all of this we just have all this resource so it's like god gave me the instruction and then not knowing like everything kind of came together and literally in three weeks my guest house got emptied we had desks we had a a white board we have i mean if you look on my if you look on my instagram you can see how the room was transformed in three weeks and we have a full-time teacher and the other great thing that we do which i love is that as a collective as families we mrs parmalee has an hour lunch break so one of the parents comes for an hour every day and it's really been an amazing thing because we've though we knew each other we really know each other and we know each other's kids and really um we are a village and it's so funny because the holy spirit was again very clear and gave me a name so we call ourselves the risen village and we spelled risen r-i-s-o-n because it's for the sun who rose yeah so that's that's that's what i did and you know in my mind i'm thinking oh i'm being obedient i'm doing this thing because the holy spirit and and yes i feel really blessed to be in a position to have this other space that they can come and come in and use and and all of that i have a huge backyard i put up and it's so funny because again like how god worked it out during the pandemic like i had all these points on my american express card and my son was home and i was like i need to get him like at a huge backyard but not really anything back there so i got like this really big boy play structure so there's like swings and monkey bars and a slide so the kids came the parents came and they were like this was just here and i'm like i know like god worked it out and and and again like interestingly enough when i was telling my church because we were doing remote church when i was telling them to please pray while we were getting this thing together in such a short period of time i was like you know they were like well let us know when we can come and we'll distance outside and we'll bless the space and my best friend goes well pastor kim already did that and i was like what and she goes don't you remember last week pastor kim and my pastor had called me on a monday and she goes hey so i'm thinking about your guest house now this is before this happened that's the first thing she said and i said yeah she goes i took the week off i just want to spend some time with god but she adopted two young boys so she's like you know i can't get anything done when i'm home i just want to spend some time with god how would you feel if i just came and prayed in your guest house and i was like yeah sure of course it's so cute in there come on so the week before she had spent eight hours in my guest house praying heaven down i didn't even know i didn't even put the two things together and so i guess my point is is that how i survive the pandemic is obedience getting in the word and submitting and and the thing is is that i ended up being blessed in in ways that i mean i could literally take up the whole podcast talking about how being of service has blessed me how it's kept me from feeling isolated how it's kept me in purpose how the sound of those kids in the backyard has because i don't have any family in los angeles so if my son isn't with me because i share 50 50 custody with my ex-husband if he's not with me it's just me yeah and those kids being in my backyard and that just gave me such purpose it gave me such um passion and something to focus on beyond the noise beyond the catastrophe beyond beyond the tragedy of what was happening because it wasn't just the covid you know thing that was proliferating it was also george floyd it was so much things so many things going on and and i'm so so grateful that god gave me a vision you know what this i mean that whole story just reminds me of noah like he was like go build the ark so you just had this arc moment and without even knowing what god was going to do strategically to align everything in that whole neighborhood everything in the school to actually just converge in your backyard like that and the provision that or the the wherewithal that god had to bring your passion to bless them like it's just that's the stuff that blows my mind that's that stuff when people who are atheist or agnostic that don't believe that god is real you say explain this right explain that like please do whatever you got to do to explain that please convince me of how this worked out right you know and it's just even all the way down to the play set and all that stuff you know what i'm saying it's like god is so intentional about serving his people and that's what's so dope about that whole situation so you just want to just jump in here and just talk about how how good god has been how good god is essence i invited you on a clubhouse one day and uh on that clubhouse it was a the subject matter was talking about abstinence as well as talking about uh marriage and you joined this clubhouse and in your talk it literally brought tears down my face do you remember that clubhouse i remember the invitation but i don't remember what i said you were talking about how the pandemic brought the heaviness of what singleness means like you really felt like it really brought the brevity of singleness now does that jog your memory yeah no i mean for sure that was some of what i was struggling with i think a lot of us were it's just recognizing that i wasn't covered like yes god has me and god covers me and i rely on that and no one can cover me the way god does right but at the same time i definitely felt the absence of partnership and the absence of having someone pray over me or someone pray with me and just being able to have a partner in how we were going to approach our strategy in dealing with this you know um and so i definitely felt exposed and i decided like i don't like this like i definitely and it was interesting because after my divorce i couldn't necessarily bring myself to the idea that i wanted to get married again like i definitely was like oh i want to be with somebody but you know like a little life partnership or something yeah i'm going to like partisan we're going to go through all them yeah you know it's like i was definitely hesitant in in saying that because i really believe in the power of articulation we are speaking spirits and i i know that you know if we look at again even in genesis and how everything began yes it began in god's thoughts but then it had to get executed and speaking right and so that is how we are in made in his image and likeness so i'm very conscious and intentional about the things that i say so i wouldn't say oh yeah i'm going to get married again and after things happen with the pandemic it made me realize oh i actually want to be married again i want to be in a committed relationship i want the promises of god that come from that kind of commitment yes so yeah that was illuminating and freeing yeah see you've been married before so you understand covenant yes so a lot of people don't understand covenant and so when you say that you during the pandemic it made you feel exposed and made you realize that you weren't covered i want you to speak on that because you've been married before and now you're a single woman then what do you mean why is it why is covenant so important well i mean you know god made man and then he saw that it wasn't good for him to be alone right and so then he made us to help right we we were chosen and designed and made specifically to help man and there's something very fulfilling and i know that a lot of feminists will get caught up in the in the the minutia of like well i can do it by myself i absolutely can and you're doing it by yourself i'm doing it exactly um but the the way that i feel the purpose that's ignited in me the joy that's ignited in me again it's like another layer of service of because to me like real partnership real marriage is not about what am i getting out of this it's about service it's about service it's about how you give to each other and how it augments you and and it allows you a certain space to grow because now you're supplemented in a way where your weaknesses are augmented in a way where you can grow bigger than you are in your own encasement and therefore you can you can serve a greater purpose but it takes it takes a certain amount of study and knowledge and awakening to know that i know that so now without being in a covenant it just made me aware of how much joy i get from being of service like you know a lot of people like i love hard and i do love heart but it's also there's a joy to me in in being able to be of service in being and looking i don't know maybe it's part of the actress in me but you know as actors we're always kind of asking that why why right that's that we're always looking for the motivation why that silence why did that character say that why did that character like what's motivating yes and for me there's such pleasure in finding out the why behind another human being and figuring out how to love them how to love them in a way that you see christ how to love them and and like what better safer environment than when you're both on that same page and you're both committed to being that to each other to being the representative of jesus and love in a covenant situation in an intimate situation in a way that no other human on this earth knows that person right that is such a beautiful powerful thing like that's the reason i've been able to wait is because i understand it's not about the punitive aspect i when i first became a christian i knew i couldn't wait because it wasn't motivated by love it was motivated by fear or this kind of rule set this thing that i was trying to follow and that's never something you can sustain yes but when you think about love and when i think about the power that is unleashed into people agreeing that we are like i know how i feel in my friendships when i know that that person is right or done and i can call them at whatever time and they'll pray with me like i can't imagine that well i will know what that's like to have that person be laying right next to me hold on see let me tell y'all something so look i told essence the other day i said the reason why i only talk to you like every couple of months because i will literally fall in love with you i'll be trying to move in next door let me tell you this girl every time i talk to this dog gone girl it messes me up and i'm like i'm like this lord jesus okay just know after this podcast ain't gonna talk to you for about three months okay i'll call you in august sometime okay let me tell you something why what what but but that's like i i don't i don't i only have my own life experience but i know that that is something that i have searched for my whole life that safe space and it's not a perfect space yes but it's a safe one and i think that when you have that you can flourish you can be purposed you can fly in ways that you just can't do i mean the word talks about us needing each other and and how much stronger we are when when there are two or three gathered how the rope doesn't break when there's three core strengths like that is the strong if you go to a boat you see it executed in the natural yes but it comes from a spiritual execution it comes from the from the uh the mathematics from the mind of god which is why we see it everywhere just being lived out in ways that are tangible but it was a thought first it was the science of god first so that thing like when you when you see that and you recognize it like i want that unapologetically that means i have to deny myself to get it then that's what it means but know when it's mine it's going to be so so powerful and i'm going to be able to look at my partner and go i waited for you i was intentional about waiting to love you i didn't allow myself to be distracted by by a substitute i didn't allow myself to be distracted or undermined by something that i knew wasn't the right thing it was just good for now like i wanted to give you all the potency i can't wait to see his face when he's like you you uh you said what no i said i want to give you all the potency all the potency that i have within my womb which isn't just the womb isn't just about where i give up about it home is about where we give birth to purpose talk man let me tell you something girlfriend i'm gonna tap this whole table girl don't you start essence i told you before i said god is going to use you so powerfully like you are a freaking minister you are an evangelist you're a prophetess you are every you the fivefold ministry all rolled up in one but i told you that i told you do you hear you i i do and the funny thing is i'm sitting in the lobby and i'm so nervous and i just feel so unqualified i mean you know i was listening to pastor t.d jakes talk about don't drop the mic and he was talking about you know greatness being in the details and i'm very detail-oriented which is part of the reason i was able to get this school done in such a short amount of time is like they the parents said yes and then they let me run with the details and now the whole school and and it was great and i love that aspect of it um and i love but i also am a collaborator like i i think there's something really important about yes having vision but also being able to to execute with others and to incorporate the wisdom around you because it's there like we don't operate in a bubble nothing again just look at science nothing about science says we operate all by ourselves what we do doesn't have any effect on anything else so you know what i mean so if you just look at the natural examples around us it's important that you understand that the people around you you're absorbing that energy i mean you know they'll talk about it in different kinds of terms but the language is really talking about god and the principles of how he made this world so we are absorbing we are exchanging and so it's really important to be able to understand that there's giftings around you that you don't have and it's not a matter of you not being enough it's just a matter of you were designed for a specific aspect of this vision and it requires collaboration yes so um i think it's really important to to know that and to incorporate the ideas around you um but in terms of like how i feel i don't walk around feeling like oh i'm this person who knows all this stuff and i'm really wise and yeah let me talk to you about like i literally was in the lobby and i was just like holy spirit just just move me out the way you say what you want your people to know you say what whoever is flipping listening yes you know surfing whatever wants needs to hear and i just want to be of service to someone so hopefully there's something i'll say that is of service to someone that is of encouragement to someone because it's not easy and and again like when i first got saved the aspect of waiting was literally the one area of my life that i told god listen lord yeah you made me i'm not a virgin there's no reason i should pretend to be a virgin i really like sex i'm just going to live in your grace listen and the thing is is that i did and and over time i'm just so i'm so grateful for god's patience yes he was so patient with me in allowing me to suffer the consequences yes but also like just the patience of like exposure and time and letting me just figure out what was happening and why i was injuring myself because honestly the last time i had sex it's not that it was a bad experience and it's not that it like from an ego standpoint i will say this on paper i was like this is a great thing on paper this is awesome this person is hot yeah they have a great body they're super successful like there were a lot of bragging rights yeah in like you know in that but at the end of it i was like oh but this feels really awful because at the end of the day there's no commitment here there's no promise here this person has not chosen to keep me to cover me to pray with me to be there in sickness and in health for richer for poorer for better for worse that has not ever come out of their mouth which means they haven't declared it which means for me to count on it or look for it is is just an assumption and it's an assertion that they didn't ask for because they never promised that and so now i'm driving myself crazy but now i'm angry at them that's what's happening do you know somebody's getting set for you right now i hope so let me tell you something when i say somebody has been set free listening when i say that is so freaking powerful i had that exact conversation with a friend on the way picking you up from the airport the exact same conversation and i was like do you not realize that when i say let me tell you something essence as you know in december of last year i took a vow of abstinence and it was me actually valuing myself on a different level didn't even realize men are never taught to value your body like we're not taught that you know and so you know and i hope that not only you pour into your son about the value of his body but a man his father says listen you're valuable wait because we're not we're not told that at all women are told that little girls are told that but boys aren't and so you have this juxtaposition of a guy that says go smash whoever you want to smash and a girl saying i got to be chased and i got to wait and then you have this battle and and the unfortunate thing about it is that i went through life not even realizing the value of my body so i frivolously gave it out oh they feel good are you cool you cool you know we on the same page go ahead let's let's have sex and hey make sure that we don't mitigate the damage because we have this understanding because we grown so we're just going to keep it growing and you know i ain't in a relationship with you we're in relationship just hey here it is but i recognize when god pulled my coattail back in december and said i expect more of you he said that you are so valuable he said your body is valuable and i was like really like i've never ever heard that before housing you're the temple of the holy spirit yeah and we're supposed to keep ourselves pure and it's against we are the temple of the what the holy spirit so if we're if we're the temple it's like going into the church and just peeing all everywhere and defecating in the church people be like what is wrong with you why are you doing this why why are you like going into the church doing something so reckless but we do it with our bodies as christians yeah and you know again like i think it it goes back to messaging right we're not taught those things men aren't taught to value their bodies and women are taught to put so much value on their bodies yeah you know what i mean like and it gets twisted either way it either gets twisted in a place of like such great shame yeah where they don't feel like they deserve to know pleasure yeah and that everything is about like that's not listen god did not give you a clitoris for it to just you know that thing is powerful you know what i mean so so it's not like it wasn't supposed to feel good for us as well but you know or it's the other extreme where it's like all the emphasis is put on your exterior as a woman and it's all about your prowess and it's all about can you pop that and you know and everything is like just focused yeah just focused on on that and it's like we're just we're totally catering to our lower man right we're totally catering to the natural and the carnal and we're not at all living in the spirit which is which is what we are this is this is a casing this is this is this is finite this is this is not infinite yes that's all it is it's really it but again we don't have these conversations and then you know for those of us who didn't grow up in the church like i didn't when you become saved later on or when you choose to become saved later on nobody's really having these conversations like you're not really understanding you're i can say this like i know that the holy spirit told me to to submit and go to the altar and confess but i also know that i was caught up in a feeling and no one helped me make the distinction and no one taught me how to count the cost or what it looked like to die to my flesh or what it looked like to to surrender and and take up my mantle daily what it looked like to renew my mind like nobody taught me those things it was all kind of based around this this feeling of who god is and how he loves me which is true but like and god is not a pimp you know it's like whatever we we are taught in the human condition about we live in a way where it's all about like exchange right so it's about i'm gonna put in three dollars and i'm and out of this machine they're gonna give me this bottle of water and that's like we look for you know cost and reward but there's something that is so much greater than that and it's love and love isn't necessarily about being equal like the way god loves me i can never love him back i'm not i'm not capable my ego wouldn't allow it the flesh suit wouldn't allow it but when i understand how much god loves me and all that he did for me then there is something about me that goes i want to honor that there it is i want to honor that and if this sacrifice which by the way after you do it you go oh it's the same thing with the school like this is blessing me is it a sacrifice yes i'm not going to sit here and say it's not a sacrifice to to wait right to abstain but is it blessing me let me tell you what i've noticed talk about it i'm and this is real talk there are timbers in a man's voice that will get me excited now some of this stuff at this time right here [Applause] oh my gosh no sorry no but i'm saying like there are there are frequencies now that i can hear because i'm not so numb talk that i'm like wow it doesn't it doesn't take all of that to get me excited it doesn't take all of that like i don't have to bombard my senses with all of this stuff because i'm desensitized from all that i've exposed myself to now i'm super sensitive let me tell you talk about the future hubby there it is it's about to be whoever it is it's about to be about to go down it's gonna no because again like i really feel like now i'm i'm so much more again it's like a sober mind there it is there this sobriety that i live with makes me that much more sensitive so you know so listen this when you look at the disconnect like i said you and i both have been married before when you look what was missing in the previous marriage um i think without without getting too personal i think what was missing really was just being in real obedience and surrender to god i think that for both of us in different ways like i think that had we been better equipped and now mind you we are both believers and we got married um by a minister of the gospel so it's not like we didn't have that understanding but i don't think that we were really rooted in a way that was going to keep us together through all that we had to sustain and get through together um yeah and that's really kind of the simplistic answer but it's powerful because i understand exactly what you mean and that's what i said that that's what this season is about is really unpacking i don't think that there's enough um teaching or even understanding like you'll go through marriage counseling maybe for a premarital class for maybe a couple of sessions yeah i did the same thing but it's kind of hard first of all it's impossible to to prepare someone for marriage and it's almost like having gone through it you have a better understanding well if you've done the work right to understand and look at it from a you know from a higher level and look down and like look at look at me in that marriage and then god begins to uncover your your faults and say this is what you could have done better you weren't even prepared for this level you walked with because even my life i knew that um i was walking in the spirit of semi-rebellion with god because it was like oh i got this you know i'm good you know i'm good like i made it here i'm married i understand this but then when hard times came i was like god i need you all right you're taking too long and then i go take it i'll take matters in my own hands which self-destructs and so the reality is that now the place that i'm at now is that and i said this on my podcast i said god told me i'll never be faithful to my future wifey unless i first become faithful to him and so my act of obedience isn't just an act it's a lifestyle it's a it's a service unto god of saying that god here's my body you know right now is under lock and key with you until you give me the key back and that's when i get married but other than that i'm married to you so i gotta operate with this fidelity to you christ while i'm single because if i don't then when i get married i'm gonna repeat the what i did before and cheat on my wife so it's like i said god so i gotta get it right i gotta kill this goliath right now before this goliath come and kill me later in in my next marriage and so the the powerful thing about um this walk with christ as christians and as you said god has been so he's such a gentleman he's such a gentleman to be like all right i'm gonna let you go do what you do how'd it work out for ya when i think about like you said taking matters into my own hands how much i have ended up on the shower floor um you know collapsed in tears and again on paper anyone looking from the outside and would be like oh my gosh she's this this this she has this this this what could she possibly have but again like the the heartbreak the the truly like just yes total desolation of my spirit because of me trying to like just rig it you know just like just put it like i could doing it his way i'm finding and again i'm not there yet right so doing it his way i just have so much more peace and ladies let me tell you discernment many people get past the first or second date why because i see i just see so much clearer i'm like i i i'm like oh my gosh do they hear themselves they are telling on themselves it's like when someone comes up to me and they say how high is my favorite movie you know what i tell them i say you just told on yourself just so you know i know a lot about you based on that comment that how high is your favorite movie you know what i mean of all time i like it it's funny it's a cult classic but it's your favorite movie okay so you know what i'm saying so now when i'm with someone or i'm listening to someone i i it's again it's that sensitivity like i'm not my my ear gates and my eye gates are so clear that i can hear things and i can see things because i'm not living distracted by when are we going to get to this place i'm like i'm living in the place of we're never going to get to this place because you're weird and you're selfish and you're egotistical and you're just trying to impress me but you're not trying to get to know me there it is it's a very big distinction someone's trying to impress you versus trying to get to know you so essence how do guys like try to you get a lot of guys that approach you are they intimidated um i don't know i mean i think probably both most often i would say slightly younger men well younger with 30s yeah yeah and that's always weird because i'm like uh shops close dude sorry yeah like it's like and they're like what how old are you uh i'll be 50. yeah soon like you know so it's one of those things because you know like don't correct you still don't um so shameless plug for uh for my new for my new show i need a beyonce fan right now abc coming to you actually we don't know if it's picked up yet yeah prayers prayers prayers but um shout out to viola for that viola davis can you imagine like seriously viola davis is my boss oh my gosh larry wilmore is my boss that's crazy crazy that is absolutely crazy you're working with my buddy tisha yeah she toured with me in one of my plays and she's amazing i love teachers and sherry sheppard oh sherry sheppard taj maori oh my god who is my brother on smart guy that's just crazy i'm like why are your hands manly now like why why don't you have 10 year old hands anymore and he just laughs at me we saw each other and we were like [ __ ] because it was just too much emotional how many years ago was that smart guy smart guy ended in 99 yeah so he's a grown grown man now and i'm just like i'm in awe of him he's brilliant and funny and charming and sweet and all the things i remember about him as a child because when i met him in 96 he was 10. and but now he's just grown up but he's just grown up with the same spirit and it's it's so i'm in awe of him he's really a terrific terrific that is so so dope so you get guys around 30 year reigns trying to shoot things out you see something and then they're like so the they'll start the conversation with like so do you want more kids and i'm like here we go again i can't have more any more kids like i'm i'm done and they're like and then they think i did it intentionally i'm like no i didn't i didn't like get it in time of tubes yeah no i didn't that i i i'm just i've progressed in my life to the point of whatever and then they're like oh and then it's like disappearing because they don't know oh because you're so young looking they just weird awkward moment so there that happens but but the other thing is yes to the other thing as well i think that there are men who like me who are attracted to me um who will like occasionally like be like hey how are you and i'm like i'm good how are you and we should go out sometime and i'll go sure and then there's no follow-up and that i think that i think is about being intimidated yes that's about or that or you're just a game player narcissist which you know that could be true too i don't know i'm not inside their brain but i'm always open and i try to always be kind and loving because at the end of the day i'm either a love letter of christ is happening through me or i am cursing someone like there's really no middle ground like i'm either living as an embodiment of what it looks like to be a believer and a disciple of christ or i'm in the other camp so i gotta be very intentional again about how i'm dealing with people not to be and not to be so pervasive or or not clear where they're they're thinking willy-nilly or that you know that i'm not being i'm not being transparent with them either but until i'm claimed i'm single yep but at the same time i also keep a very strong boundary because i'm like i you need to know that if you're gonna step to me if you're gonna try and talk to me then there's a way that's predicated not in my word you need to figure out how to do it with jesus because i'm sitting over here you know waiting for you to do it the right way because it's not but honestly it's not my first instinct so that's what i'm learning too because i am a person in my career so much of what i've accomplished has been based on my impetus based on my tenacity based on my like yes i believe god opened the door and orchestrated my career but i've also been very much an aggressor in terms of my career and that is not the way we're supposed to be in this dynamic when it comes to romantic relationships and and marriage so it's hard for me sometimes to embrace my feminine energy um you know hopefully not offending anybody whatever but that's just my belief in how i live it's hard for me to live in that space of waiting and it's not a damsel in distress waiting because i live a very full amazing life but definitely waiting for the man to do what it is supposed to do you know what i mean because i i can i can technically do it so that's the hard part that's the hardest technically i can like i put together my own furniture i have tools like i can do it you know i pay my own bills and always have like i i can do it but also like you rob someone that's the interesting thing it's like the thing that i was talking about earlier the joy of being of service like i rob my partner of his joy of being able to do things that i'm not supposed to do talk about you know what i mean of his ability to take care of me because i am a successful black woman and that's intimidating and if you don't know that that's intimidating all you got to do is look at the stats and see how black women are just stepped on and pushed aside and all of that and they still continue to rise and just beat the odds and the stats like crazy you know we are powerful we are powerful and we've had to be but so now to take a step back and to invite someone into a space that says and allows ourselves to say i need you that's not easy that's not easy either to be vulnerable and say i need you but again it's about there's like this very fine line in terms of getting to a place where you're saying that to someone who actually wants to be needed there it is there it is discernment there it is because you can find yourself vulnerable to the wrong person yeah that spirit will leave you more tore up you'll be spending seven eight years trying to unwind and untangle from that you try to put yourself back together waited all this time and i give myself to this person they jacked me up for a long time and so that's powerful to actually be intentional you said something interesting i wish i could quote you when you were about to get out my truck and i was like you open the door for yourself i said see y'all y'all la folks ain't used to the southern men open the door what did you say i said i appreciate but i don't expect yes yeah that's kind of how i live you know it's like i i appreciate what you did like i certainly recognize it and i love a man who's chivalrous and i am teaching my son to be chivalrous and it's one of the things i love about having my god son my god son is staying with me until he goes back to college in the fall and he's 20. and he's very conscious and chivalrous and so my son is imitating him and i love that um i definitely that is something that i find incredibly attractive but i don't wait for it yeah i don't wait for it like the only the only expectations that i know that are without that that will never fail are the expectations i have of god and the thing is but again i also know that i need to extend grace because yes there are days where i i think i walk around like i said with it with a mindset of being conscious about what kind of what kind of seeds i'm depositing and how i'm treating people but i definitely have my moments where i'm short tempered or i'm not as like aware and i do my best to catch myself apologize and rectify the situation but i'm sure everyone's testimony of me is not going to be glowing i try to whittle that down so that it becomes it so that part increases and the other part decreases but i recognize that i've been given so much grace so it's really important to me to extend that to others you know i mean again the word is talking about you know we're supposed to love others as we love ourselves and i think that that's a critical you know there's so much about self-care um and i believe in self-care but more importantly than that is like learning to love yourself is so so important because really you are how you talk to others is how you talk to yourself it's funny because my my and how you do one thing is how you'll do everything and it's funny because i remember i had a moment with my godson's mother where she was she was yelling at the kids she has four sons and she was yelling and she said something to me kind of like in an apology or whatever and i said to her i said i just want you to i just know that that's how you're speaking to yourself in your head and i just and i just wish that was different for you and she just broke into tears i said the way you're talking to those boys is how you talk to yourself and it was unkind but i know that it starts with her first it's her own thought of how she her own inner monologue and so i think it's really important that we get a hold of that thing that we get rid of all the all the word curses spoken over us all the doubts spoken over us the generational curses that we need to be delivered from or at least acknowledge i believe in therapy i believe in prayer i believe in bible study i believe in they're all tools yes and they work together especially under the submission of the holy spirit and so i think we have to create this amalgam of what self-care looks like and it's not just buying yourself a gucci bag gucci bags are nice or going to the spot that's nice but if your inner man is in turmoil talk about it doesn't matter what you buy i've literally seen somebody go from regular actor working actor 200 millionaire and that's when they became a drug addict if that's something that you've seen you go it's not about the stuff it's not they got everything they wanted and then some yep but it wasn't about the stuff it was about what's going on in here if your soul is not whole then it doesn't matter what you acquire and we see it unfortunately on the public stage lived out before us time and time and time again yeah well we gotta talk about this stuff like we we have to heal from these things and we've got to do the work to do it and there's no amount of of merchandise yes no matter what the price tag yes so essence i asked you i said essence you know as long as i've known you when i meet you in 2009 i don't know it was a long time ago yeah i think i was on the road yeah i would have played so it was like it was a long time ago probably over 10 years ago yeah but i said and even then you are always such a kind spirit a a humble spirit and i asked you before we did this podcast oh yes i said have you always been like this or were you like some mean girl that god had to humble you or something i wasn't a mean girl but i will say this there was a time when i was starting to work and i had just kind of come to hollywood and i mistook what i saw as being the hallmark of success so i saw a lot of like snooty condescension entitlement and i was like oh that's what that's what being a successful actress looks like okay i'm gonna do that i'ma do that because i'm a successful actress you know and it was just and it didn't feel right to me and it you know as a child i was bullied i've always been really sensitive i've always loved community i don't like fighting i don't like dissension i believe in communicating i don't think it's healthy to avoid conflict but i do think that there's a way to go about it that's respectful and honoring of not just yourself but the other person right so there's an approach to healthy conflict and resolution but when i was younger and what i was seeing i tried to i tried that jacket on and i was like hey what is this and it did you know and thankfully it didn't fit well or right for very long and i realized that i actually enjoy being up an aroma of fragrance that's pleasant i mean my name is essence so yes in in france the essence is the is the scent right essence in english is about um what makes something what it is it's what's essential to it it wouldn't be this without this component but in in france it's about aroma and so for me it's so interesting because i i had a new door installed a week ago two weeks ago a new front door and um the gentleman who was installing my door we i walked him out to the gate and i asked him if he wanted anything he was like no and then he was finished and i walked him out and he said something and i said something to about god and he said well i'm a believer i'm a christian and i said i am too and he said you know i i knew that and i said how did you know that he goes the fragrance in your house when i tell you i almost ran i was like what he said i can smell it in your house it's like the aroma is godly in your house i was like wow that's trippy [Music] because i mean again these are things that the bible talks about but when you when you have somebody say that to you and then you get that visible example you're like whoa this is the real deal this is the real deal like you know so i try to be intentional about that now but definitely like we we we put on these these arrogances and we put on these errors and again to assimilate yes and that's really about not knowing your identity like at the end of the day i don't have to i don't have to be entitled i don't have to i don't have to show anybody my my credit card i don't i don't have to do any of that yep i can literally just live in who i am as a child of god in the purposes that i serve in the ways that i serve i don't have to i don't have to flex i don't i don't and i actually don't like to you know i really enjoy just connecting with people so that they see that we are the same where i am is a is a matter of just making choices that have gotten me a certain amount of propulsion to be in this place but you're capable you're a hundred percent capable of this dream that you have is to want to act or write or direct or whatever you just got to make the choices to get here talk about it but please don't think that i'm special we're all special and that's what makes us all not because we all are i hope they got that i hope so oh jesus oh my god let me essence yes we're going to take up an offering uh let me tell man let me tell you something i girl listen i just i'm just gonna let that marinate i don't have i have nothing else to say i have nothing else to say the last question i want to ask you and then we're going to let this go okay you are in a place you know where we already know what you are we're going to find something we're hungry yeah we're hungry that's what i said let this go so essence you are in this place of singleness do you have any fear like i have a lot of people who inbox me that say hey why don't you do episodes about people dating in their 50s and whatnot um is that a fear of yours like you're you're approaching 50. do you have any fear of this beautiful thing that you have to offer to the most amazing man that got purposed for you do you have a fear that that will not come to pass yes i do but at the same time um i choose to trust and i pray often you know i'll say lord i believe help my unbelief and also there's something else that happens which is surrender there it is there's a surrender that i have where i'm like if if god is withholding it for me there's a reason and there's something that's gonna get blessed bigger than me because of it and it may hurt it may not be my ideal may not be what i want but i honestly would rather die to myself for the greater good and that's kind of an incredible thing to say because it's not something that i could have said earlier in my walk with christ i i wouldn't have said it i couldn't have said it i wouldn't have believed it but i i really have seen how good he is and how there is nothing in him that is false there is nothing in him that is bad there is nothing in him that has a bad intention for me so if i it's being withheld there is a blessing and a purpose for it that is beyond me and what i want and i i think as a mom i i really understand that yes you know what i mean because there's moments where your kid wants something and you're like okay i'll give you a little bit or you're like no you can't have that because it's not good for you yes it's not good for you and what i have purpose for you on the other side of this where i'm trying to get you to that is not what is going to help you get there that's not going to facilitate it now because god is a gentleman i still have free will i can still choose go get married whoever you want to call so-and-so you know it's been lord um it's been too long you're taking too long and the amazing thing about that is if that were to happen which prayerfully i'm that doesn't but if that were to happen what would be required for me to be in right standing is simply repentance the love is never withdrawn there it is the love is always there but to be back in right standing is just repentance it's just wow i did this i rebelled i'm sorry forgive me and as far as the east is from the west cast that center boy he removes it from me yeah and i get a whole new slate and i don't know anybody who would give me a whole new slate ever without being able to recall every time every time and throw it in your face and throw it in my face but that's not god's way and that to me is astonishing and motivates me to you know sometimes it's literally like it's like you know i guess alcoholics anonymous i'm not an alcoholic but you know it's one day at a time yeah and that's sometimes what we have to do sometimes to think i'm going to abstain until i meet my perfect person whether they come tomorrow or when i'm 67 or whatever like sometimes that's just too much yeah sometimes it's just like not today not today not today yeah you know and and and then there's a string of those successes that sometimes helps you get to the next motivation yeah right so sometimes it's not like oh i'm just feeling really motivated to do this all the time sometimes it's like man you've done this for a while you you should keep going because you're this is really this has benefited you in so many ways and yeah you don't feel like it today but you can live on the motivation of having strung those days together sometimes that helps as well it's not easy but i mean life isn't easy and the bible says we're gonna have trouble like you know i think we we set ourselves up in believing the hype and the lies around us that say oh if you do these five steps you'll have this kind of life and this they'll be a millionaire and then you'll have this kind of husband and you just go get this filler and your face will look and you won't age and go do this and it's just like it's all horseshit excuse my french it's not true you gotta work on your inside you've gotta work on your spirit like you wanna know why i'm almost 50 and i look like this with no filler and i mean i have makeup on right now but if you see me out like because i'm cultivating joy i'm actually in my in my life i actually feel better look better than i ever have before and no i'm not young but i feel better look better because i'm cultivating joy from the inside and it's not dependent on exterior circumstances it's not dependent on on anything it's just it's really like understanding what really makes me feel alive and honestly you know again kind of going back to the school being of service and hearing those kids in the backyard even though they've torn it up it's a muddy mess back there need turf you know a turf sponsor send them my way but you know being of service is just and and giving these families a safe place to go in the middle of covid i pray that they never forget that they were so fortunate to have this group of parents who bonded together and made this thing happen and we've actually committed to doing two more years so we're gonna do it they're gonna be there for two more years until they're done with elementary school and i'm so excited like have you got a logo created for the school have you got that official yeah i'm gonna create a logo for you okay i'm gonna donate the logo okay thank you thank you we're gonna make it all official get y'all some shirts and all that the parents were like you would you want to do it because that because they were like well we need to start talking about next year this was like february and i was like okay well the holy spirit told me not one more year too and they were like what i say we're not gonna do fourth grade and then have them go to an elementary school for a year the holy spirit said do two more so i'm saying if you guys are down two more years so we're down that's dope when you was talking about how you have joy on the inside that's a scripture the bible says that he will restore the the days of your youth and so it's like like uh when i picked you up i said essence you got that benjamin button don't you i said cause every time i see you get younger and younger and he's like nah it's not the benjamin button i was like well something but it's that that's that that's that holy spirit it's what the bible says he'll restore the days of your youth and that's what's manifesting well essentially we gotta go get something to eat listen thank you so much for blessing the people on the deer future wifey podcast let me tell you something you dropped so many gems we can open up a jewelry store because uh this is absolutely amazing thank you for showing up as your lit self uh like you promised to do and uh i just speak blessings over you and i'm telling you god is birthing a ministry out of you and i just can't wait for that thing to come into full bloom and god just manifests that thing through you because it's it's so evident it's so evident i appreciate anyone who's tuned in i appreciate anyone who's supported me over these years and watched me grow and been patient with me and i hope in some way that i've been able to inspire you or make you laugh or entertain you or something but i mean the legacy that i hope to leave behind more than anything is one of kindness and love because i really believe that if jesus were right here that that's what you would see that you would see love in a way that would change everything it would dismantle every lie that's ever been spoken over you that said you were bad that said you couldn't that said you were worthless i really believe that you would see love in a way that would just change everything so i challenge you i hope to motivate you to just go out and be just a mirror for what that love looks like because it really does change everything i know that the people who've loved me they have rescued me from my own self-destruction they have rescued me from my own self to sabotage they have rescued me from my own belief and lies that i wasn't enough and i would never be enough and that i could never escape all the things that i had done and all the mistakes that i have made and those are just lies they're not true so you don't need to be a minister you don't need to know the bible inside and out yes you want to read it it's a great guide it's the truth is what it is it's the living word and the more you read it the more you'll learn but the most important thing is that we love yeah so just love each other please all right well on that note my god thank you all so much for joining this episode um thank you essence oh thank you thank you discover uncover recover love with the new dear future collection the journey starts from within let your inner thoughts find freedom on the pages of this richly hewd dear future blue sapphire edition genuine leather journal it features a cross stitch spine and luxurious cording to bind your deepest insights a great accompaniment is the dear future luxury bamboo fountain pen there's nothing more intentional than the writing process of a fountain pen this is an elegant writing work of art join the thriving community of fountain pen enthusiasts and purchase one today these exclusive items and more are available at dearfuturewifey.com [Music] man i hope you all enjoyed this episode i hope y'all found value in it let me tell you something i was thoroughly blessed by the conversation with essence and man like listen that's the way to kick off a season but here's my favorite part of the podcast where i manifest my future wifey and um this one really got me emotional dear future wifey you walk into your favorite michelin rated restaurant the hostess pulls up your reservation and escorts you to the table that awaits a few moments later the waiter approaches your table greets you hands you a menu and brings a glass of water look at the menu and struggle deciding which cuisine to indulge you've frequented this establishment several times and have tried every entree you've desired yet you have a taste for something different something unexpected something rare the waiter returns notices your dilemma and surprises you with an invite from the chef to join him at the chef's table the chef prepares you an exclusive five-course meal you're elated your palate has long awaited a meal of this caliber even though you've never been able to articulate it the chef's mouth as you gleefully ingest each tantalizing morsel he takes pride in your repetitive he takes pride in your repetitive thankfulness for the honor he bestowed to you future wifey the hostess is the holy spirit the waiter is jesus christ who is always at your service the previous entrees you dined on are your exes fortunately your palate has changed because the chef our heavenly father has prepared me for you you see i've dined at this heavenly establishment before he gave me the chef's table experience as he's given you i mentally dined on you you are exquisite i will be a rare experience for you grab your napkin bon appetit your future thank you for listening to the dear future wifey podcast remember be lit live intentionally and transparently and don't stop loving make sure to subscribe to our dear future wifey youtube channel we're available on apple podcast google podcast spotify and stitcher we welcome your support simply share our podcast with your friends and family

Channel: Dear Future Wifey

Views: 176,704

Rating: 4.9733071 out of 5

Keywords: dallas, love, podcast, relationships, black love matters, black men, Christianity, healing, weddings, marriage

Id: 9NW15neA9Jo

Length: 68min 6sec (4086 seconds)

Published: Wed May 05 2021