-Hi today, we're going to talk
about nine types of questions. You can ask a man to make him melt. Hi, there. Mat Shaffer, your empowerment,
connection, and relationship coach. I'm a former attorney who's committed
his life to supporting you in creating this sort of fun, fulfilling dynamic
connections and relationships with men that you are so worthy of. I am super excited about this topic. We're going to unpack nine types
of questions that you can ask a man today that are going to activate him,
inspire him, bring him close, and get him to drop his walls with you. That is the foundation of creating the
sort of relationship that you want. Before we dive into that, take a
second, hit that little subscribe button, and don't forget to click that
link in the comments and caption. I have created some great training
that is going to make a huge difference in your connections with men. Let's start off by talking about
two important principles that you need to understand before
we unpack these nine questions. The first is that the quality
of your questions determines the quality of
your relationships. That is extremely important because if
you keep your questions surface level, if you keep your questions at
the daily report level where you're just exchanging conversation about the
physical things that have happened in your day, which I know is very easy to do in
relationship, you're going to keep that relationship itself at the surface level. It's where disconnection starts happening. It's when people fall into
the trap of the daily report. You don't want a surface-level relationship,
then don't ask surface-level questions, take ownership of that, which
leads us perfectly into the next principle I want to share with
you that you are the conductor of the emotional and communicative
aspects of your relationship. If love is a symphony, the man that
you're with, he's the musician down in the orchestra, looking up at you for guidance. You are the conductor up on
the podium, letting him know how you would like him to play. You are guiding him into the sort of
communication that you want to have. Questions are one of the most
powerful ways to do that. I want you to be in ownership of that too. I want you to be in ownership of the
amount of power that you have to help mold the conversation dynamics in a
way that'll drop you down into deeper levels of intimacy and connection. Think of questions like a stroke of
your baton, like a tool that you're going to use to help create the
sort of relationship that you want. Another important point around the
questions that you're going to be asking a man is the energy behind those questions. You always want to be asking
questions from a space of curiosity and warmth and interest, not from
a space of pushing or scarcity or suspicion or anything like that. Because you want a man to feel
safe, to answer these questions fully and vulnerably and openly. The first powerful type of questions
that you can ask a man that are going to really help deepen your connection
is an open-ended feeling question. An open-ended feeling question is a
question that's going to invite a man to explain and put words on whatever
he's feeling in that moment or in that experience, which is really good. Because for a lot of men, they don't
have a lot of practice or a lot of experience doing this for themselves. You're going to help him put
words on things that he may not have a lot of agency in doing. The way to do open-ended questions is to
recognize that they always have a what, a why, or a how at the beginning of them. An example of this would be if you
saw him getting really worked up or something, he's watching on TV,
maybe he's watching this sport or something, you could ask him, "Why
is this so exciting to you or what is it about soccer
that's so exciting?" You use this question as a platform
to give him a space to explain what it is that he loves about or, what
it is that's really getting him excited, which is going to get him
to drop deeper into his feelings and connect with you in the process. The second type of questions are
those that invite engagement and play. An important principle to realize with
this is that all men are fundamentally little boys and all men have a play drive. At some level, all men are craving that
sort of back and forth that can come with a well-asked playful question. Don't avoid this. In fact, the more you activate it,
the more he's going to want to drop his walls and connect with you. I want you to think of
these questions as games. These are games that you can play
with him to learn more about him. This is super interesting because in
his answers to these sort of playful questions, you can get a sense of
his imagination and his creativity and even what his values are. It's a really fascinating process. One great type of question
is a hypothetical. The kind of question that isn't
constrained by the boundaries of reality. It can be a choice question. Like, would you rather be a mortal
or be able to fly or what would your strategy be for the zombie apocalypse? Why do you think you would survive or not? Do you see, as I'm sharing these examples
that these are open-ended questions, these are questions that are begging
for full explanations and lots of in-depth dialogue and discussion, which
is beautiful because that's what you're looking to foster and create in a way
that is both playful and kind of fun? Another great playful question
is the light opinion question. This is where you ask them a
question about a light subject that begs for a big opinion. A great example of this would
be to take a cheesy show that maybe is doing really well. Like right now, Tiger King is so big on
Netflix and everyone I know is talking about it in some way or another and ask
him, "Okay, so what Tiger King character do you identify with the most and why?" That can be the start of a really fun
conversation about who they identify with or who they support and why
on earth, they're into that person. It can give you a lot of great material
for you to go back and forth with him, maybe tease them a little bit
and have a really playful exchange. That's going to help you
both connect a lot deeper. Now, this next type of question
is one of my absolute favorites, and that is the story question. This is so key because fundamentally
another important principle here, all men are storytellers
at some level. Men love to tell stories. They especially want to tell stories
that demonstrate their authority or their expertise or their strength. They want to demonstrate to
you that they are strong. A question that gives them the opportunity
to tell a story like that is the sort of question is going to make them feel
good about themselves and give them an opportunity to prove themselves to you. It's a huge opportunity for you. Definitely, feel free to do this on
a regular basis, especially if your man loves to tell stories, which I do. A great way to use story questions
is organically, beause you don't want to be just asking him story questions
out of nowhere, out of left field. You wouldn't ask him, "What are
the greatest challenges you faced?" When you two are just walking down
the street and there's no context for him to understand that because
it's going to sound like you're interviewing him or something awkward. Which is something that
you don't want to do. We're going to talk more about that later. If you two were watching an epic reality
show or maybe a show on national geographic and the protagonist is in some
huge obstacle or problem, then if for you to ask him, "Have you
ever faced an experience or a challenge like that and if so, what did you do?" In that context, the story question
is connected to what you're sharing and he's going to feel a lot
more comfortable and a lot more willing to open up to you about it. A cool thing about a story question is
that it gives you a lot of opportunities to ask, follow-up questions. Follow-up questions are one of the
greatest ways for you to get a man to dig deeper and you can ask them
more, open-ended feeling questions. As he's telling you the story of this
massive obstacle that he's overcome in his own life, then you can be like, "Wow. How did it feel for you to overcome that? It must've been so hard to
keep it together when you were faced with all of that stuff. What did you do to get through that?:
Follow up questions are so powerful because not only do they give him an
opportunity to dig deeper into the story and share with you more details, but
it also demonstrates to him that you're actively listening and that you're
really connected to what he's sharing, which is going to make
him feel really good. The next type of questions that
you definitely want to ask on a regular basis are passion questions. These can look a lot of different ways. It can be as simple as asking him,
"What are you excited about right now? What is it that's got you lit up?" Because as we all know, men can be excited
or passionate about a variety of things. Men tend to be passion-driven creatures. The more you can get a man to
speak into what he's excited about, what he's passionate about,
what he's obsessed with right now, it's going to really activate him and give
him an opportunity to share with you what's in his heart, to share with you what about
whatever he's into is really exciting. A cool thing about this is is that
when a man is talking about something that he's passionate about, he starts
to get flushed with excitement. When he's feeling that flush sense
of excitement while talking to you, that starts to transfer to you. You become more exciting to him. It's a positive thing and a
win-win all the way around. The next type of question, that's really
going to deepen your connection with him are questions about his family. These do not have to be scary. I promise. In fact, it can be as simple as
asking them, what do you like best about your little sister or who are
you closer to, your mom and your dad? Everybody's closer to one. Because as he speaks into his family
dynamics and he starts sharing with you different aspects of his
relationships, you're going to learn a lot about him, that are going to
help you understand the way he is so much more and it's going to give you
the opportunity to share things about your relationships because he's either
going to ask you those questions back or you're going to have an opportunity
to share with him why you can relate to what he's feeling or experiencing. It's going to help him understand
you too, so everybody wins. Another unrelated type of question
are questions about his childhood, and these can be really fun. You can look at him and ask him
"Were you a troublemaker growing up? What kind of little boy were you?" I bet you were so much fun. This can be incredibly informative
and help you understand so much about how he became the man he is today. It'll give him an opportunity to
really reflect on and share with you, parts of himself, that maybe he
hasn't shared with very many people. People very rarely ask questions
about the childhood of somebody that they're getting to know. It's a really big goldmine
for understanding and learning and storytelling. This next type of question that I
absolutely love is questions that are competitive or challenging. This goes back to the earlier
point, that all men are little boys and all men have a play drive. Questions that are challenging or
competitive are great opportunity for you two to play and engage at that level. For example, I had a date where
I mentioned something that I was pretty good at Mario Kart. She looked at me and she said, "You really
think you're any good in Mario Kart?" Because I am a pro. I was really drawn in and activated
by that, and I really appreciated her feistiness and being willing
to challenge me and take me on, on something that I
know I'm really good at. It led to some epic Mario Kart
sessions and you know what? She was pretty good. We had some great rounds. We had a lot of fun, and it all
started because she asked me a challenging or playful question, and
was willing to go toe to toe with me. This next type of question can be really
powerful and really help foster a deeper connection between the two of you. It's questions about his vision
because vision is one of the most powerful anchoring and guiding
forces for most men in relationship. You have an opportunity by asking him
questions like, "Where do you see yourself in your life, five years from now? What would you love your life
to look like, your career to look like, your personal life? I'm really curious and I want to
see, where do you see yourself?" This can get a man if he hasn't thought
about that, to really self reflect and you two can engage in a beautiful
co-creative conversation where you talk about his vision, and then you share
your vision, and then you sort of can get a sense of do our visions line up. What would that look like if we were
to be together, five years from now? This last type of question is definitely
one that you want to save until maybe you've been with somebody for a little
while, I don't recommend this type of question right out of the gate, but
it's questions about past relationships. You can make these positive
questions and they can be simply, "What were your favorite
parts of your past relationships? What type of women do you
normally date, and why is that?" As long as you've
established trust with him. These can be really interesting,
really illuminating questions. If you feel safe enough to be able
to share his answers with you openly, and you can learn a ton about him. Which of your past relationships,
did you most grow from and how? Now as promised, I'm going to share
with you a bonus tip, two types of questions to avoid, and the
first is job interview questions. A man doesn't want to feel like he's
being put in a baby daddy audition, which happens so often with men, and
these can be questions around his income or around his career goals,
basically, you don't want a man to feel like you're evaluating his capacity
to be a father, or to be a provider, especially early on in relationship. This is different from asking
him about his vision for his life, once you all have
been dating for a while. I definitely want to
make that distinction. Do not ask him these big huge
questions or questions around his money or anything like that, right
out of the gate with somebody. You don't want him to feel like you're
asking him questions with an agenda. Repeat after me, "No
baby daddy auditions." One more type of question you definitely
want to avoid is any question asked with scarcity, desperation, or
fear because when you're asking any question even any of the ones we
just talked about with that energy, it is going to cause
a man to shut down. It is going to cause the
man to put his walls up. It is going to activate a man's
mama, trauma, [chuckles] which is something you absolutely do not want
to do because at some level every man has a wound around his mom. If he feels like he is in trouble with
a woman in his life, a lot of times it will activate that wound for him and get
him to go into a little boy shutdown mode and run away from the conversation,
either emotionally or physically. Be super conscious of the energy you're
using, when you're asking any of these questions and make sure that it's
warm, loving, curious, open, and safe because that is going to be inviting
him forward, as the conductor to really be vulnerable and drop in with you. The last important point I want to
make around questions with a man is that you get to lead by example. You get to answer his questions too just as
vulnerably as you want him to answer them. You are a conductor. You are leading by example, and you can
not be vulnerable with him, and then expect him to be vulnerable with you. Recognize that as you're asking
him questions, he's going to be asking you questions back. You want to be demonstrating to him, how
you want him to answer in your answers. Remember ladies, the
quality of your questions, determines the quality
of your relationships. You are the conductor using your questions
as your baton to help guide him into vulnerability and connection with you, and
there are nine types of questions you can ask him, that are going to activate him,
light him up, and deepen your connection. There are open-ended feeling questions. Why does this excite you? Get him to put words on his feelings
using an open-ended question. There are questions that invite
engagement and play hypothetical questions and line opinion questions. There are story questions that
give him an opportunity to share and tell you a story, and for you
to ask him follow-up questions. Remember, all men are storytellers. There are passion questions. What are you excited about right now? What is lighting you up? There are questions about family. There are questions about childhood. We've got questions that
are challenging or competitive, and you got questions
about his vision. Last but definitely not least, positive
questions around past relationships. Get out there ladies and ask better
questions to the men in your life and see what unfolds for you
when you do, but before you do that, take a second, hit that little subscribe
button, and don't forget to click that link in the comments and caption. I have created some great training that is
going to make a massive difference in your connections and relationships with men. Thanks so much for stopping by and I'll
see you next time on my YouTube channel. Bye-bye. [music]
