The Scapegoat Child’s Role & Symptoms in Narcissistic Abuse

scapegoat child's role and symptoms in narcissistic abuse if you grew up with a narcissistic parent and felt devalued most of the time then you are likely that parents scapegoat the scapegoat is someone who must embody what the narcissistic parent cannot stand in themselves so by finding what the parent hates in themselves to be in the scapegoat child the parent gets to feel protected from these feelings and this is the role of the scapegoat child so this child has to maneuver themselves to participate in their narcissistic parents projections so these Maneuvers are necessary to manage the terrifying awareness that their own parent is hostile towards them hostile towards their growth their joy and their authentic self participating with the narcissistic parents devaluation of them can actually make this situation survivable the ways a child learns to participate in their devaluation are can be thought of as the symptoms of the scapegoat child well in today's video I describe how the role and symptoms of being the scapegoat child make it possible to attach to a hostile parent then I explain how gaining distance from the narcissistic abuser helps you recover from the role of scapegoat and last I discuss how living and Defiance of the narcissist rules helps you relieve the symptoms well my name is Jay Reed and I'm a licensed psychotherapist in California and I specialize in helping people recover from narcissistic abuse this form of abuse can leave us feeling lost and estranged from our very senses of who we are in the world and in individual therapy and through my online course on recovery from narcissistic abuse I try to offer a map that allows survivors to come back to the quality of life they know they deserved all along and although each Survivor has to travel this path themselves I think a map can be tremendously helpful and and there are three features on this map that I call the three pillars to recovery pillar number one involves making sense of what happened so that you know it wasn't your fault pillar number two is gaining distance whether psychological emotional or even physical gaining distance from the narcissistic abuser and pillar number three is living in defiance of the narcissist rules and lastly you can't do this in a vacuum I think it's essential to find and participate in communities who can support and validate you along this path um today's video falls under the pillar number one making sense of what happened and another great resource I think to help with pillar number one of making sense of what happened is my free ebook on Surviving narcissistic abuse as the scapegoat you can find the link to the ebook in the description below or by clicking here how the scapegoat role develops a narcissistic parent is in a constant battle to keep their own self-hatred at Bay they deny such feelings and insist on their opposite instead of experiencing themselves as worth less than others they are worth more they relocate their bad feelings into the scapegoat child and then exaggerate their own good feelings this results in devaluing that child while requiring excessive admiration and obedience from that child and from others a scapegoat child's growth threatens the narcissistic parents fragile and inflated self-worth growth is a vitalizing and self-enhancing experience such experiences will conflict with the child seeming less than the narcissistic parent so the scapegoat child's growth puts them at odds with a narcissistic parent and if the child Revels in their developmental achievements then they will likely be met with more hostility from the parent but if they disown their expanding abilities they may be spared this hostility from the parent and it's only that latter strategy that actually feels survivable to the child because the the parents hostility at this base level just feels so searing and and painful well the scapegoat child can disown their own growth by adopting beliefs of being defective and even dangerous so in the first case the child doubts their ability to grow they may see themselves as disposed possessed of their own expanding capabilities in essence my sort of believing that they can't do anything right a scapegoat child who believes their growth is dangerous will also disavow it like for instance they're increasing physical strength could make them fear hurting others or they're developing sexual identity might be felt to be Sinister and shameful third their increased perceptiveness of what's going on around them of how other people are thinking and feeling could be thought as just as thought of as destructive towards those others so the scapegoat child's role requires them to sacrifice their own growth to remain less than the narcissistic parent the child has to collude what the parents claim that the problem in their relationship is the child's growth the child has no recourse to the real problem that the narcissistic parent cannot tolerate the child's development now the parent seems less cruel when they are hostile towards the scapegoat child's displays of growth so a child who believes their own growth is defective or dangerous can see their parents hostility as Justified the parent is no longer wrong for treating the child with contempt it's what the child deserves for growing because in this system that growth is an offense so the functions of the scapegoat child's role once once the child accepts the scapegoat role they have a way to attach to a rejecting parent and the child faces rejection because they are accused of being what the narcissistic parent rejects in themselves in fact the narcissistic parent will refuse to know this child in any other way so now the child stomachs their feelings of hurt and anger at this form of the parent's cruelty that you know the the child tells themselves they deserve such treatment after all I mean and that's what these beliefs about their growth being defective and dangerous are telling them so assuming the scapegoat role also lets the child perceive the narcissistic parent as good and helpful to the child and these are necessary perceptions to survive especially as a small child with these kinds of beliefs the child gets to live in a world with a parent who's only trying to correct their Wicked Ways the parent is not their enemy even though the child is treated like the parent's enemy so if the scapegoat child experiences themselves to be wretched then they can still seek help from their narcissistic parent and many scapegoat survival survivors are familiar with a strong pull to go towards their narcissistic parent with their own problems so the way the child learned to cope with the parents demand that there be something wrong with the child can prevent the child and maybe even later the adult from sort of seeing what the parent has done and is doing to them instead the child or Survivor sees the parent as someone who might help them fix what is wrong with them and maybe this means being told more things that are wrong with the scapegoat child or Survivor and so it goes I think that without distance from narcissistic parent or abuser such a cycle can continue kind of into perpetuity how the child participates as the scapegoat well everything I have explained so far is kind of at a conceptual level I think in practice this can happen very fast for the child and the narcissistic parent and it's in interactions with the parent when the child can sort of suddenly find themselves to deserve the parents abuse so the child is aware that the Hostile parent knows there's something fundamentally wrong with the child being treated this way by the narcissistic parent can sort of feel like an invasion of the child's mind or even like being possessed the child's feeling of being deeply defective is sort of intrusive disturbing smothering and inescapable in these moments in contrast the narcissistic parent finds themselves and is found by the child to seemingly be Flawless this is the because the scapegoat child is full of all the flaws as it were and it must be this way for this sort of system to exist this the system must exist also for the child and the narcissistic parent to kind of go on being with one another to share a reality I'm going to talk about a fictional client named named Isaiah who would again this is all Anonymous anonymized but um had been in therapy for several years he had come to treatment because he couldn't shake a sense of feeling deeply inadequate and he felt this way no matter how he was received at his work and his friendships or relationships and all in all those venues they tended to be positive towards him he was well aware that his narcissistic mother had forced him into the scapegoat role but now he and his therapists were identifying how this role showed up when he got close to people today well one session Isaiah was talking about being happy that he was going to be promptly reimbursed by his insurance for the sessions he said you know I can't believe the insurance company is being an efficient provider for me um he liked to play with words and so that was kind of how he how he expressed it and his therapist was struck by the term and said well what about inefficient providers are you familiar with that experience immediately Isaiah was convinced that his therapist was pointing towards his own Psychopathology Isaiah thought he must be the therapist must be referring to how I don't give people enough of a chance that if they don't provide for all of my needs perfectly I just dropped them he thinks I am narcissistic and I must be said Isaiah he also felt guilty of these thought of accusations he felt instantly lower than his therapist and a searing shame came over him he could not say or do anything to prove his innocence but maybe he could get his sentence reduced so Isaiah tried to cut his therapist off at the pass and preemptively see himself as defective he said well yeah I guess I have often cut people out when they don't meet my needs I guess I'm too sensitive about that stuff but then Isaiah stopped and his mind settled a bit he had developed enough of a sense of trust towards his therapist after a few years and he said to him and the therapist but wait a minute why why did you ask me that question about what it's like or the experience of being an inefficient or receiving inefficient uh provision or from an inefficient provider his therapist said well you said efficient provision and I was struck by it I thought it might open something important up I wasn't sure what but I went with where my instinct took me Isaiah exclaimed wow I just realized that I heard your question as an indictment of my character that you had found what was wrong with me and you were leading me to see what it was I I thought you were laying bare how I am really the narcissistic one who can't stand imperfections in others well even as Isaiah talked about it he still felt like he was in the kind of initial situation he said it feels like something permanent like there's nothing to be done to fix or repair this feeling that I'm defective Isaiah's experience with his therapist shows how quickly the ways of participating in a narcissistic relationship can show up like just like in earlier situations within our his narcissistic mother he had to be who was wrong in the situation initially like in this example with his therapist and that's why he was flooded with the thoughts of his therapist implying he was intolerant of others imperfections that in fact the problem was Isaiah but in this case he had enough trust in his therapist and distance from his narcissistically abusive mother that he could question this process he asked his therapist what the therapist meant by the question and his therapist answers shed light to both of them of how fast and consuming the scapegoat role could strike Isaiah well Maneuvers like the one Isaiah made in this session are born out of having to attach to a hostile narcissistic parent by assuming the role of scapegoat Isaiah got to share a reality with such a parent so he had a narcissistic mother who would very much see him as having something wrong with him and so he had to assume that identity to share a reality with her he had to suffer tremendously but it was better than having no shared reality with anyone which would have been the case for him as a child the scapegoat child symptoms the symptoms of the scapegoat child are the ways the child must treat him or herself to comply with the scapegoat role and this can mean constructing an inner critic that is hellishly Harsh the child can feel like everything they do is embarrassing stupid and or wrong it may be quite different on the outside but this is often what can go on on the inside for the child the symptom of anxiety can be very prominent the scapegoat child feels an ongoing inevitability that someone else will discover their defects and that can feel threatening which can result in anxiety unkind relationships can be another symptom since the scapegoat child's mind is so primed to be found as defective the child may find friends who treat them poorly too they may seek the only reality they know in their family outside of their family as well by Design the scapegoat child is not allowed to feel esteemed towards himself or self-esteem so feeling proud of oneself would have prevented them from being the scapegoat to the narcissistic parent and the consequence of this can be a symptom of sort of chronic depression marked by kind of a low-level hopelessness I mean life without the possibility of self-worth can can be a very dreary proposition and while it's being endured I think understandable feelings of depression can be felt and usually endured but nonetheless present how about the way out well I believe that it is possible to find relief from the scapegoat role and its symptoms the scapegoat role is an experience that happens in interaction with a narcissistic abuser and this is why the second pillar of recovery getting distance from a narcissistic abuser is so important survivors need to protect themselves from more experience which requires them to inhabit the role of scapegoat and in module 3 of my online course for recovery from narcissistic abuse I go into just this topic I address the challenges in creating such distance it can be actually more difficult to create distance from a narcissistic parent than from a good enough parent and that stands to reason because a good enough parent wants a child to individuate and flourish while a narcissistic parent certainly does not finally I offer concrete strategies to achieve the needed distance from a narcissistic parent you can find the link in the description box below or by clicking here the symptoms of being the scapegoat can eventually be relieved I Believe by living in defiance of the narcissist rules so just like Isaiah stopped going down the rabbit hole of pathologizing himself in the example above or at least beginning to question it by asking his therapist what the therapist meant by the question he defied that earlier rule from his narcissistic mother that he was never to question someone in authority well there are infinite other ways that a scapegoat Survivor might defy The Narcissist rules and Define these rules often happens most effectively in new safe relationships with others and of course it can be a challenge itself to believe that there are safe people out there and to find them and cultivate relationships with them doing experiments like Isaiah did with his therapist I think is a good way to find out if someone is in fact safe other examples could include telling a friend when they have hurt irritated or angered you if they respond in a way intended to mend the Friendship then that's the likely indicator of being safe if they get defensive and blame you then that can likely mean they are not safe based on how you feel in response another resource to support your efforts to live in Defiance of the narcissist rules is module five again in my online course on recovery from narcissistic abuse in this module I discuss how to identify and challenge the beliefs that are often held by scapegoat survivors you can find the link in the description box below or by clicking here well thanks again for tuning in this week um you know I say it every week but it's just incredible to me to to read everyone's comments see the support you know offered often to the video to some of the content to helpfully challenge some of the points that are made I certainly read them and take them in and find all the feedback really helpful and it's also great as I've said many times to see the support offered to one another and um you know the other thing I wanted to emphasize is that through all of this um offering yourself patience and compassion as you go through this I think is sort of the um always on the Marquee in these efforts at recovery um well with that uh thanks I look forward to posting again next Friday uh 9 A.M Pacific time take care

Channel: Jay Reid - Recovery from Bad Childhoods

Views: 26,687

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Id: H_YV5q7bBUo

Length: 19min 50sec (1190 seconds)

Published: Fri Feb 03 2023