7 Things Narcissists Do When They Lose Control Over You

so when a narcissist has control over you their attack on your sense of self and self-esteem and self-worth is very much an inside job but when they lose control they try to use external forces to get to you so that's what we're talking about in today's video and i'm going to share seven things a narcissist will do when they lose control let's get to it [Music] welcome to the common ego community my name is christina and on this channel we talk about emotional abuse narcissism and self-development today we're talking about what the narcissist does when they lose control now we know that narcissists love control they want to control you they want to control the situation and control makes them feel powerful so i've arranged this list in ascending order so the first things on this list you'll see a narcissist do when they think they still have a little bit of control over you and when we get to number seven that's gonna be when they know they absolutely know that they have no control over you and they might be getting a little bit desperate and if you're starting to learn about narcissism and the stages of narcissistic abuse the stuff we're talking about today is going to come after the discard at some point when you're absolutely done with them and i have a free guide that you can download and you'll find that in the description box below that covers the phases of narcissistic abuse so it explains what they are and there's a checklist for each phase so now let's jump into this list what does the narcissist do when they lose control the first thing that you'll see when they're losing control but they think they might still be able to get to you is possibly a phopology no not all narcissists do this but a lot of them do when you're pulling away so the faux apology i have a whole video on it i will link to that in the description box too but the faux apology is essentially a fake apology so they might say something that sounds a little bit like an apology but it's not actually an apology you know i'm so sorry that you're hurting that's not an apology also i'm sorry you feel that why it can be used as a fobology but the most common one that you'll see is an apology without changed behavior and we know that that's not really an apology at all because if someone was sorry if they were truly sorry for the behavior that they're apologizing for they wouldn't do it again and again and again so when you get one of these faux apologies from a narcissist really what they're saying is i'm sorry i got caught or i'm sorry i have consequences i'm sorry that i can't get to you in quite the same way that i did before and so if i say that maybe i can overturn all of these consequences maybe i can go back to getting what i want so from the phobology and sometimes alongside of apology is a hoover and that's number two number two is the hoover and discard when a narcissist is hoovering they're going to be on their best behavior and it's going to feel a lot like it did in the idealization phase and that's the draw that's what can get you because all along you're kind of wondering where this person went this person that you fell in love with or this person who made you feel so good about yourself well they're back but if a narcissist really believes that they're losing control over you let's say maybe you discarded them first this hoover is a stronger manipulation than any other so this will be a hoover for the purpose of discarding later so watch out for this if you've discarded a narcissist or if you know that you're kind of mostly done and they come back and it seems like they're giving you everything you've ever wanted be cautious now this is obviously only going to work if they do still have some control if there's a small part of you that wants them back in your life this might work and if it doesn't work they may move on to the third item on this list and that's the chance encounter so this chance encounter is when the narcissist plans to show up exactly where they know you're going to be so this might be at church or it might be when you're walking your dog if you do the same thing at the same time every day and the narcissist knows it they know that they can get to you by just showing up and regardless of how you feel about them you're going to have an emotional reaction when you see them and so even if the narcissist knows that you're not going to fall for their tricks and they know that you're not going to let them back in your life they may still pop up with this chance encounter just because they know that they can trigger you that their mere presence will make you feel a certain way and it's not good so the fourth thing a narcissist will do when they're losing control is a whole lot of emotional manipulation and possibly emotional blackmail now you're going to deal with emotional manipulation throughout a relationship with a narcissist let's be real but it takes a very specific shape when they think they're losing control so when they think they're losing control they're going to try to play on your empathy and they might play the victim so they're going to do and say things that make you feel like you've done something wrong like you have hurt them in some way and you may even start thinking that you're the narcissist and if they can get you questioning yourself and get you thinking that you played a bigger role in this than you actually did because you're somebody who's willing and able to take responsibility for your stuff and none of us are perfect if they can get you to start questioning yourself then you might be open to having conversations with them and that's their foot in the door so this may come in the form of a pity party like oh i don't know what i could have possibly done to deserve this treatment from you or they may tell you about how much pain they're in as a direct result of you not being in their life they can't eat they can't sleep they may play under empathy in this way because if you start feeling bad the solution is clear right you can fix their problems like that all you have to do is just let the narcissist back in your life don't fall for it the important thing to remember here is that if you're falling forward it's because you do have empathy and you do care about this person so take all that kindness and compassion that you have and direct it towards yourself this is where it's needed right now because if you let that person back in your life they're only going to hurt you again in the same ways that they have repeatedly hurt you in the past so to be very clear having empathy for the narcissist in this case is going to hurt you so this is a choice you're choosing you so the fifth thing that a narcissist will do when they're losing control is make false accusations they will accuse you of things that you absolutely did not do and this can come in a few different forms so the narcissist may accuse you of being a narcissist they may accuse you of gaslighting and they may overreact and exaggerate your behavior to accuse you of something that you're not really doing this one is hard to believe until you actually experience it but it kind of reminds me of the scene in a movie where somebody starts screaming you know why are you touching me when the other person isn't really touching them it's like they're trying to make a scene and call attention to something that's not actually happening but so in a conversation it might look a little something like this let's say you're divorcing a narcissist and you're having a conversation about custody these conversations are never fun no matter who you're talking to but when you're talking to a narcissist it is especially difficult so you are trying to keep things civil you're trying to be fair because you don't want to fight and you want what's best for the kids and so you are just discussing things there are no decisions being made you're just talking about what you want and what they want all of a sudden they start screaming that you're taking the kids away from them you're going to leave town and they're never going to see the kids again it goes from here to here with no real explanation or input from you they've just decided that you're doing this thing and now you have to defend yourself now you have to explain that you're not doing this thing at all if you're dealing with a narcissist this is a manipulation tactic and it often leads to the smear campaign because this thing that they're screaming from the rooftops that you're doing is something that they're going to scream to everyone else that you're doing too but it wasn't real in the conversation you were having that's not real when they're talking to other people too but they can justify it to themselves because they've talked to you about it right so when you start defending yourself to other people they can say don't you remember that conversation we had false accusations are very much meant to intimidate you because you naturally start thinking about what other people would think if they believed this ridiculous lie and so that leads us to number six which is the smear campaign and the smear campaign very much can start with false accusations but it doesn't always sometimes there's a kernel of truth in there the purpose of the smear campaign is very much to discredit you so that anything you say about the narcissist that people won't believe you but it's also to get a reaction out of you and this is one that i think people don't always see right away because when someone's smearing your name your instant reaction is going to be to fight it and that's exactly what they want because the more you fight the guiltier you look so if you don't have to fight don't give the narcissist what they want and there are some times when it seems like what the narcissist wants is to shut you up it seems like they want to keep you quiet and to get you out of their life and that can make you want to be louder and that can make you want to fight harder and this it's all pure manipulation they don't want to keep you quiet they want your fight don't give it to them so the seventh thing a narcissist will do when they're losing control or they've already completely lost control is threaten you and threats can take many different forms of the narcissist and they will use whatever they can to get to you and even if they don't have anything they will still threaten you so a narcissist might threaten you with something that happened years ago but maybe you don't want everyone knowing about it so they're going to threaten to expose you for this thing that isn't even really relevant anymore but the narcissist knows you'd rather not have it dredged up again another way that a narcissist will threaten you is essentially by just making something up so if they don't have anything on you they might just make really vague threats and this is something i've dealt with personally so i know this thing about you and you can get in really big trouble if it gets out and i can tell you when it happened to me i wasn't super concerned because i was confident that there wasn't anything like this so i was mostly able to ignore it but i can tell you i was definitely curious about what this person was talking about and that's what this kind of manipulation does it gets you questioning and it gets you thinking about all the things that they could be saying and all the what-ifs and if there is something that could get you into trouble if it came to the surface even if the narcissist doesn't know it a vague threat can strike fear in your heart it can make you think that they know something that they don't know i'm not saying not to take threats seriously in my opinion it's always best to be safe and prepared so think of the worst case scenario and how you might handle it and use that to guide where you go next another way a narcissist may threaten you is by taking something away from you and this happens all the time in custody cases a narcissist may threaten to fight for custody if they know that you can't afford the battle or if they think there's a chance they might win and now a narcissist will do this sadly even if they have no interest in having custody even if they've taken no interest in the children in the past and no matter what type of narcissist you're dealing with it could be a family member or it could be a friend it could be a co-worker it could be somebody have kids with but this illustrates the fact that this happens illustrates how far a narcissist will go when they feel like they've lost control fortunately narcissists also do tend to get bored easily and they're going to go to the source of supply that is most fulfilling to them in the moment so if you're dealing with a narcissist who's losing control be sure to keep your emotional reactions in check because that is what's going to be fueling them that's what's going to give them the drive to go the extra mile and remember that even though they think very highly of themselves they are not untouchable and usually they end up getting exactly what they deserve not what they think they deserve so throughout all of this focus on doing what is best for you and don't fall into the narcissist's trap so if you're going through this i'm going to link to a video right over here that i think you'll find helpful and if you found this video helpful like share and subscribe and i'll see you next time

Channel: Common Ego

Views: 1,170,332

Keywords: things narcissists do when they lose control, when narcissists lose control, when a narcissist loses control over you, smear campaign, narcissist smear campaign, fauxpology, narcissist fake apology, hoover, hoovering, narcissists hoover, discard, narcissists discard, narcissists discard phasemotional manipulation, emotional blackmail, narcissists threats, narcissists control, narcissist, narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder

Id: HneSzPXChhM

Length: 13min 14sec (794 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 02 2022