7 Convenient Excuses for How You're Definitely Not a Murderer

being a video game hero is way harder than being a villain not only do you have to fight way more enemies than the villains do but you're also expected to not kill any of them because heroes have a code against killing or some such nonsense so either you kill bae no i won't kill him you see what we're dealing with here thankfully some video games take the hard work out of our hands by coming up with highly convenient excuses for why the stuff we're doing that definitely looks like first degree murder is actually non-lethal so we can go about our day with a clear conscience here are seven of our favorites enjoy attention witness report of an assault in progress officers need it in gramercy please copy in the marvel comics universe spider-man is one of the strongest superheroes there is in fact it's been said that only thor the hulk and the thing are stronger as illustrated by this picture of them laughing at his pitiful one rep max deadlift in the gym [Applause] [Music] but while you could reasonably expect that being punched in the face by someone who can lift a car over their head would be lethal you could plausibly argue that the many many criminals that spider-man spends the game wailing on will be fine because peter pulls his punches hitting them with nothing close to his full actual strength what's a lot harder to explain away as not being lethal is when spider-man is fighting enemies on a construction site or on top of a tall building and just punts a dude straight off the edge where he plummets several stories to his death on the new york city streets below luckily for your conscience the game has realized this and as such come up with a convenient way for you to both enjoy kicking dudes off tall buildings and not feel bad about it in the form of an automatic webbing device that spidey presumably attaches to enemies right before they fall off the building house rules leave your shoes at the door unless you're not wearing socks in which case buy some socks already this activates when they're about halfway down magnetically pulling them towards a nearby building and sticking them fast to the wall [Music] i realize the irony in me saying this i hope you've learned not to hit people now i don't know about you but i played this entire game and never once realized this was a thing and just presumed that peter parker killed like 400 guys during the course of his adventures but i must say it's nice to know that insomniac thought ahead and added this useful little gadget to prevent the deaths from piling up on peter's conscience i mean for the time being these guys are stuck up here now and it's pretty inaccessible i guess it's a race against time to get them down before the webbing dissolves batman as we have established has a strict moral code that forbids him to kill criminals because if he were to kill people he'd be no better than those he's bringing to justice or something along those lines any one of my guys would have killed him the city deserves better than that that being said it does require a lot of hand waving when it comes to explaining why these people who have been brutally beaten by a bodybuilder clad and kevlar aren't dead actually doing a lot of the heavy lifting is batman's detective vision which allows you to scan bodies to determine their status see it says unconscious so actually everything's fine there are also invisible walls on rooftops to stop you punching people off things and handy bat gadgets to hang enemies from ledges when you don't want them to fall to their deaths although that being said i've never seen any of these guys get cut down hope someone comes along soon or we're going to see a lot of skeletons hanging off buildings in gotham city the batman pr machine really had to start working overtime in arkham knight however in which batman showed up in the batmobile an honest-to-goodness tank armed with a vulcan gun a 60-millimeter cannon and a literal missile launcher for human enemies though it comes equipped with a riot suppressor gun that is loaded with non-lethal slam rounds so that's fine what's less fine probably is running people over with said batmobile though if anyone gets too close they get electrocuted which is better of somehow you can then reverse the car over their unconscious bodies but again unconscious it says it right there in the detective vision and when does batman ever lie i mean apart from to everyone in the world about his identity apart from that superman wins heroic brutality when the crossover fighting game mortal kombat vs dc universe pitched characters from mortal kombat against superheroes from dc comics certain changes had to be made to the classic mortal kombat formula after all it was fine for the immortal combat characters to do their regular fatalities and dc villains like joker were good to jump on the bandwagon too being as they are immoral mass murderers but for the truly heroic characters like superman batman wonder woman the flash and green lantern there was a problem they needed cool round ending finishing moves but it would be out of character for say superman to laser sonja blade's arms off with his heat vision to finish off a match magic what we got instead were heroic brutalities which now stay with me here are both heroic in that they're being done by superman and brutal in that they are quite clearly fatal to the person on the receiving end superman wins heroic brutality but according to the game no they're not so it's fine that for example green lantern just crushed someone to death inside an energy ball or that shazam powerbomb someone head first into some concrete it's okay though the legs are still moving surely you're not getting in on this too batman i mean okay worse than death but not actually death got it loophole when you think about non-lethal characters who try to avoid killing the t800 terminator who is a murder cyborg from the future expressly designed to kill people doesn't usually present himself at the front of the queue that being said in terminator 2 the t800 has a new role that of protector to young john connor who tells his cybernetic stepdad that he doesn't want him killing anyone a request borne out by the scene in which the terminator fires a minigun and a grenade launcher and a bunch of cops for five minutes without causing any human casualties now clearly no one told the developers of the terminator 2 judgement day game for the sega genesis about this until quite late in the development process because that game is very much a side-scrolling shooter in which you're required to gun down wave after wave of enemy bikers security guards and cops with a range of ridiculously overpowered weaponry thankfully the devs were able to salvage the situation by popping some text on screen every time you kill sorry immobilize an enemy stating that the emotionless body that just lay on the floor and then disappeared had actually only suffered non-fatal wounds because there is as i'm sure many 90s kids patiently explained to mum and dad in the video game store definitely a way of blasting someone with a 12-gauge shotgun from a foot away that is non-fatal what are you gonna do call the on-screen text a liar check mate parents [Music] kids love fortnite as much as fortnight loves not crediting the creators of the dances it copies which is something of a problem for a third person shooter in which you use actual real guns to shoot bullets at people or more importantly a game in which baby yoder appears i swear if any of you touch a hair on that kid's head there's gonna be trouble this is the way thankfully however it turns out that none of the various people or fish persons or bananas getting riddled with automatic weapon fire are actually dying instead when someone gets downed in fortnite a miniature drone will appear and teleport the body off the island where i guess they go and live on a farm where they can run and play all day yes that'll do like everything in fortnite this is most likely a fictional layer left over from the save the world mode that no one played and that was blown out of the water by the last minute edition of the much more popular battle royale mode but if we were to spend the time trying to find out what is going on in fortnite law we'd probably also have to figure out just how exactly a 4000 foot tall travis scott fits into things and i definitely do not have the time for that when they pull up [Music] let's be honest superman is the most op superhero ever he's basically just a combined list of other individual superheroes best powers neatly contained in a skin type blue onesie nightwing on the other hand is a regular man who owns a motorbike and is quite good at doing backflips not exactly a fair fight you might think and you'd be right because injustice gods among us needed to come up with an explanation as to why nightwing aka dick grayson the backflip boy could survive being punched into the earth's atmosphere and then double axe handled back to the ground below or how harley quinn a former psychologist with no formal combat training doesn't die from being punched through the center of the earth by doomsday luckily for the reputation of the superheroes involved the developers came up with an explanation for why all these non-supers are able to withstand this ridiculous amount of punishment it's all thanks to a magic pill created by evil superman that massively increases the strength and durability of anyone who takes it meaning they can take stuff like this without you feeling bad about it hey i said it was an explanation i didn't say it was a good explanation the guilty gear series of fighting games features massive swords rock and roll witches and at least one maniacal surgeon armed with a giant scalpel and as such aren't really the place for a pacifist trying to avoid violence at all costs and yet the character dizzy is just that a pacifist who hates conflict and tries to avoid violence wherever possible which is a pretty good way to get yourself killed if you're a character in a fighting game [Music] luckily for dizzy she has two spirits living in her wings that do most of the fighting for her with brutally efficient results even so dizzy still hates violence all the moves in her move list are named after the actual function that the powerful strikes and flame attacks were meant to be used for like i use this to catch fish and for roasting chestnuts she even has a move called please leave me alone which i mean i would most notably though dizzy differs from the other characters in her instant kill move other characters in guilty gear have instant kill moves in which they fire their enemy out of a cannon or wrap them in explosive chains or feed them to a giant snake not dizzy though who actively works against her instant kill to stop the evil one of her sentient wings from killing her opponent in this move necro the wing that looks like death powers up a gigantic energy blast that looks like it could level an entire city block shocked by this violence dizzy actively pushes necro so that the shot goes wide and wow okay forget the block make it the whole city and unlike all the other instant kills which give us the word destroyed on screen dizzy's instead has the enemy surrender in terror at her destructive power wise move if you ask me so there you have it those were seven convenient excuses for how you're definitely not a murderer for those who like a clean conscience got a favorite we missed let us know in the comments and be sure to like subscribe and hit the bell icon to be notified whenever we upload a video like this one thanks for watching

Channel: outsidexbox

Views: 575,002

Rating: 4.9513702 out of 5

Keywords: outsidexbox, andy farrant, jane douglas, mike channell, 7 things, list, top 10, top 5, countdown, funny, lol, batman, spider-man, loophole

Id: GxGM2EYO10Q

Length: 13min 54sec (834 seconds)

Published: Wed Aug 04 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/dpash]

Spiderman is kinda acceptable. Batman though? He's just lying to himself.