5 Ways CoDependent Relationships Differ from Healthy Ones | CoDependency Masterclass

CEUs are available at AllCEUs.com hello everyone and welcome to this video  where we try to answer the question   what is codependency i'm  your host dr donnelly snipes   in this video we're going to define dependency  and differentiate codependency from healthy   caretaking and interdependence and then we'll  explore the possible causes of codependency so let's start at the beginning dependency  is when one person relies or depends on   another for their safety and well-being  children are dependent on their caregivers   they need to have that other person in their  life to keep them safe and healthy and secure   as we get older we don't depend on our  caregivers as much we start to individuate   in healthy relationships people with codependency  are adults who feel incomplete without another   person who depends on them have allowed the  other adults behaviors to negatively impact them   and have become obsessed with controlling  the behavior of the other person   notice i said the adult here again i recognize  that children and even older adults who may have   started to develop dementia may have increased  levels of dependency but when we're talking about   relatively healthy average adults we want to  strive for relationships that are characterized by   interdependence not codependents not where  one person needs the other person to exist   not where one person needs the other person in  order to survive said another way people with   codependency depend on being dependent on and  they only feel safe when they are indispensable so some people have talked about codependency  as an addiction so we'll take a look at that   it's important to remember that addiction is a  behavior that people use a lot of times to try to   help them escape from unpleasant feelings whether  it's physical pain or emotional pain or both   if we look at codependency as an addiction what is  it helping people escape from it's helping people   escape from that terror of being alone of being  isolated of being rejected of being unloved of   being out of control it gives them a facade that  helps them feel like they can breathe in some ways   so let's look at how it might be like  an addiction people who are codependent   are unable to stop or cut down trying to  control what we will call the dysfunctional   other they may have said okay fine i'm going to  set this line in the stand and if you cross it   then we're done or i'm not going to rescue you  if you do this again but they find themselves   going back on that every single time they they  keep trying to set limits to set boundaries and   they're just unable to do that they spend more  time than intended thinking about preparing   trying to change or recovering from trying to  change the dysfunctional other people who are   codependent are often worried constantly  about what the other person is doing   worried constantly about whether they're needed  they're worried constantly about a lot of things   and that's exhausting they spend a lot more  time obsessing about that person and about   that relationship than they do about pretty much  anything else in their rich and meaningful life   which means a lot of those things start to  wither away they give up important social   work or recreational activities because of the  relationship in codependent relationships there   is a lot of rescuing that often happens so they  may start foregoing going to the gym or going   out with friends or doing other things that are  important to them in order to rescue or caretake   the dysfunctional other now one thing i will point  out here codependency is not always manifested   just in romantic relationships it can be  manifested between parents and adult children   it can also be manifested by people who work in  caregiving professions they are unable to stop   trying to to control their patients their  clients they may spend more time than intended   thinking about or trying to change their clients  instead of helping people reach their own goals   the codependent helper is trying to change or mold  their their clients into what they want them to be   and they often give up important social work  or recreational activities because they are   trying to rescue that person they end up being on  call 24 hours a day seven days a week they end up   going in for emergency appointments so it's  important to recognize even if you may have   maintained a relatively healthy relationship  outside of the office sometimes that codependency   is justified if you work in helping professions  you you can explain away a lot of what you do   until you start getting burned out until the  rest of your life starts falling to pieces   because the only thing you're focusing on is  trying to rescue fix and change your clients   important relationships including self-esteem  are negatively impacted by the behavior yes   that's pretty clear there's a failure to meet  obligations at work home or school because of   the dysfunctional relationship even if you're  in a helping profession if you are approaching   it from a codependent standpoint you're likely  not going to get the other things done that you   need to do like your paperwork or going to  meetings or maybe even seeing other clients   so it is important to be aware of  that but the person who's codependent   in their personal relationships may call  in sick to work a lot in order to rescue   the other person the person who is codependent  may um engage in behaviors designed to protect the   dysfunctional other that sully their reputation  if you will and harm their ability to do their job   correctly we've seen this or i've seen this in  law enforcement officers for example continuing   the relationship despite knowing it has caused or  worsened physical or psychological issues if your   a relationship and it is causing you so much  stress that it's giving you insomnia that it's   um causing flare-ups of autoimmune diseases  or upsetting your stomach or giving you ulcers   or contributing to you feeling depressed  or anxious or angry most of the time   then it's important to step back and take a  look and say is this a healthy relationship   and finally psychological withdrawal people who  are in codependent relationships when they are   separated from the dysfunctional other they  start feeling very anxious because they're   not able to control from a distance and if they  break up for example if the if the relationship   ends then the person with codependency starts  feeling extremely anxious and like they're   floundering like a fish out of water because they  no longer have something that they're anchored to so what's the difference between codependency and  caretaking or codependency and interdependence   there's nothing wrong with interdependence  caretakers or people who are interdependent   they don't violate other people's boundaries they  don't try to control someone else more than is   needed and i say more than is needed because  obviously as a caretaker of a five-year-old   you're going to do more controlling than you are  of a caretaker um or a parent if you will of a 25   year old you know hopefully the 25 year old is  pretty independent the person with codependency   has difficulty letting their children grow up  letting their children individuate letting their   friends and family especially dysfunctional others  individuate so they are regularly telling those   people what to do how to do it and whether they  are acceptable or not so that's really violating a   lot of boundaries physical emotional cognitive you  know it's all over the place caretakers maintain   their own boundaries this is what i think this is  what i feel and my thoughts wants and needs are   just as important as yours the codependent the  person with codependency often cannot say that caretakers do not attach their  self-worth to the success or   failure of another person now as a parent  i am thrilled when my children succeed   and i'm heartbroken when they fail but it's not  for me it's not that i feel bad about myself   if they fail or it's not that i feel good about  me if they succeed i am empathizing with them my self-esteem and my self-image as a parent is not  completely driven by the success or failure of   another person by the whether my children choose  to follow what i do what i say and suggest or not   and my children are late teenagers right  now they're going through individuation   and they're still in that place where  they don't think i know a whole lot   so there's a lot of times that i have to step  back and say okay you know i have done my best   to raise you and you may have to stumble a  couple of times i'll be there to help you out   uh if you need it but i need to empower  you to make your own choices the person   with codependency it's that is too terrifying to  envision letting anybody experience the natural   consequences of poor decisions and caretakers  do not frantically try to prevent abandonment   yes we love people we love our significant  others we love our children we love our family   we love people however we recognize  that not all relationships are healthy   not all people are going to mesh well and  caretakers can recognize when a relationship   is unhealthy and get some distance maybe it's not  maybe it's somebody in your family and you don't   want to completely cut them off okay you know  that's a choice but a person with codependency is   terrified of being alone so they are often going  to frantically do whatever to prevent abandonment   they're frantically are constantly going  to be hyper vigilant looking for clues   that their dysfunctional other is unhappy  with them or might not need them anymore the essential problems for people  with codependency are actually not   the dysfunctional others in their life i know let  that sink in for a second the essential problems   are the ways they've let the dysfunctional other's  behavior affect them and trigger their inner   child's trauma most people not all but most people  with codependency grew up in a household in which   there were adverse childhood experiences there was  a caregiver who had a mental illness who could not   be emotionally and or physically available to the  child there was a caregiver who had an addiction   who could not be emotionally and or physically  there for the child as a result of the caregiver   or one or more caregivers having a mental  health issue or addiction life was chaotic   and trying to feel safe oftentimes meant trying  to make sure that caregiver did not decompensate   the other the third option i guess if you want to  look at it that way is a lot of children who grew   up and developed codependent behaviors grew up  in environments where caregivers were what i'll   call intentionally neglectful now you have the  caregivers who had the addiction or the mental   illness and they were just struggling to survive  on their own and then you have the caregiver who   intentionally they didn't care about the  child they may have not wanted the child   they didn't know how to parent whatever the case  is but the child's needs are inconsequential to   that caregiver so the child spends most of their  existence trying to get that caregiver's attention   so let's talk about this inner child  trauma when dysfunctional others   other adults that the person with codependency is  in a relationship with when dysfunctional others put themselves out to be hopeless you know  i can't do this you need to do it for me i   i just can't oftentimes that triggers in  the person with codependency remembering   their caregiver who would become helpless who  would become unable to function unable to get   out of bed in the morning unable to to dress  themselves or get them get the children to school   so that triggers those memories that  triggers that traumatized inner child that   felt terrified because that in that  child was five six seven years old   and having to take on adult roles because their  caregiver couldn't do it or wouldn't do it   when dysfunctional others are broken  or sick and i use the term broken   kind of loosely because that can be  interpreted as when dysfunctional others are perceived in some way to be not what the  person with codependency wants so the   person with codependency says this is what  you need to be this is how you need to look   this is the picture we're going to paint and  if you don't fit into this then you're broken   when people when dysfunctional  others are broken or sick the inner child of the person with codependency is  often awakened or triggered because it reminds   them of their caregiver who was addicted  or who had mental illness who couldn't   function again they're back there they'd never  probably got resolution or closure on that where somebody told them that it wasn't their  responsibility to be the parent it wasn't   their fault that the caregiver was incapacitated  so they're still holding on to these core beliefs   that they need to caretake and they need  to control everything in order to make sure   that they're safe when dysfunctional  others refuse to do the right thing   as children grow up in dysfunctional environments  they start to see that their caregivers   may have options and may not be choosing options  and children may not understand why their   caregivers are not choosing those options  so it feels when their caregiver goes out   and gets drunk or gets high or gets arrested  again for the 14th time the child is going   why why did you choose heroin over me why did you  choose this over me why do you refuse to do the   right thing when it's right there is it my fault  am i unlovable am i driving you to do it remember   children think in all or nothing terms  you either love me or you hate me   they think in egocentric terms that are overly  personalized so they think they have a lot   more power than they really do and when their  caregivers are dysfunctional whether dysfunctional   then the child often takes responsibility for  that they think it's their fault that their parent   has to use it they think it's their fault that  their parents angry or depressed all the time   when dysfunctional others abandon the person with  codependency oh boy does this just rip open an old   wound because it reminds them of all the times  that their caregivers when they were younger   disappeared or withdrew into their room  and they were maybe physically in the   house but they were not emotionally or  cognitively present for days at a time   or when dysfunctional others take advantage of  them going back to the dysfunctional household   the child grew up in an environment in which  their caregivers may have stolen their money   may have had them work jobs in order to pay bills  because the caregiver either couldn't or wouldn't   the dysfunctional others or the  caregivers may have had the children   as they grew up intentionally take on that parent  role because they're like i can't do it i can't be   a parent you need to make sure you get your  siblings to to school to do this to do that   now why the caregiver did this it depends on the  person and i truly believe that in a lot of the   cases the person the caregivers were struggling  with some form of mental illness and addiction   and they were doing the best they could with  the tools they had at that time but that is not   what the child sees that is definitely not what  the child feels and that is not what the inner   child remembers even when the person is older  so when dysfunctional others in the present   start reenacting behaviors from the past it  triggers that inner child and it triggers the   terror in that inner child and that child didn't  have healthy coping skills they didn't have people   to rely on so they did what they did best they  tried to control the situation as much as possible   maybe if i do x y and z then i can keep  the lid on things for a little while people with codependencies unhealthy ways of  responding to the dysfunctional others distress   by trying to control fix or rescue them instead  of controlling what they can which is themselves   is the other essential problem in recovery we  recognize that we cannot change another person   the other person has to want to change we cannot  fix another person we can provide them the tools   we can provide support but they  have to be willing to do it   and in recovery from codependency it becomes  important for the person with with codependency   to recognize at what point do i have to let this  person make a choice at what point have i done   all that i am required to do and it is up to  this person to pick up the reins and move on   how might unhealthy ways of responding to  a dysfunctional other have developed and i   talked about this a little bit but i also want to  point out when you grow up in an environment in   which caregivers are either not there because they  don't want to be they're intentionally neglectful   or they are not there in in emotionally or  physically because they just can't be they   have a mental illness or an addiction and they're  just struggling to put one foot in front of the   other every day whatever the reason doesn't really  make a big difference to the child ultimately the   child is not able to form a secure attachment  where they can consistently or they can count   on their caregiver to be there and to help  them to respond appropriately to help them   deal with emotions and issues when they come up to  validate how they're feeling help them learn how   to identify and modulate their own emotions and  develop emotional intelligence to learn how to   set and maintain boundaries you know all of this  stuff comes from secure attachment and when people   when children don't feel like they're in control  of their emotions when children feel anxious most   of the time when children are regularly feeling  stressed that ends up leading to dysfunction of   their stress response system their hpa axis which  ends up leading to emotional dysregulation and   without going deep into that right now children  who have grown up in dysfunctional environments   often go from zero to 200 just like that  you know they may not get upset about every   thing that happens but when they do get upset it's  a tsunami of anger and it's important to recognize   that why might that happen well remember  anger and anxiety are response to threats   when children do not have a secure  attachment figure on whom they can depend   because they are dependent they cannot  do it without an adult figure when they   don't have a secure attachment figure on  on which to depend they don't feel safe   so let's go back when the dysfunctional  other in adult life triggers those memories   the person with codependency their inner child  wakes up and goes aw crap here we go again   back when the child was small a favorite saying of  around our house is not my circus not my monkeys   well back then it was their circus and it was  their monkeys it was their family and if their   caregivers the monkeys didn't  do what they needed to do   it was going to be a really big freaking problem  for the child the child may not get fed the child   may not get to school worse yet the child may end  up in foster care so there are a lot of problems   that would happen if the caregivers couldn't hold  it together therefore the child took the reins and   said okay i'm going to try to keep everything  together so even worse things don't happen codependency is a set of behaviors  often developed by people whose   caregivers had addictions or mental illnesses or  unfortunately were just intentionally neglectful   trying to respond to and control the  caregiver's behavior was essential for safety   and was the only way the child knew how to try to  be loved if i do everything that you want me to do   will you love me will you pay  attention will you make sure i get fed as adults people with codependency  often have an unstable sense of self   they never figured out who they were they never  got to explore what they liked they were so busy   trying to control everything and everyone else in  their environment to keep it from falling apart   that they got lost so they  have an unstable sense of self   a terrifying fear of abandonment  and they regularly feel unsafe   they often fail to see options and their personal  power in situations and continue to try to feel   safe and manage their anxieties by controlling  others and making themselves indispensable if they   keep controlling someone if they're indispensable  to someone then they have someone that needs them that depends on them that they can also  somehow depend on and when we get into talking   more about uh codependency characteristics in the  next in the following videos you'll understand how   that logic is a little bit wonky just like the  child growing up in the dysfunctional household   the child was trying to depend on  someone who just was not dependable   there was no way that person was going to be  dependable no matter what the child did so   we'll cover that in the upcoming videos

Channel: Doc Snipes

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Keywords: Dawn Elise Snipes, Cheap CEUs, NCMHCE, unlimited ceus, hpcsa, crcc, lcsw ceus, lcdc ceus, lmft ceus, lmhc ceus, ce broker, addiction ceus, LADC CEU, yt:cc=on, donnelly snipes, doc snipes, counselor education, mental illness, allceus, all ceus, cognitive behavioral, certificate programs, counselor certification, online course, codependency, co-dependency, addiction recovery, codependent, co-dependent, inner child, trauma, ncmhce, nce, nce test prep, nce exam review

Id: bIRwtfqJ-Hw

Length: 27min 42sec (1662 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 11 2022